(Please note: This article is written from the angle of when “the wife has the affair.” But please know that we do realize there are many times when the husband is the unfaithful one. If this is true for you, please change the pronouns.)
Not Feeling Love
A husband and wife sit in our office beside each other on the sofa. She is pregnant with the other man’s child. “I don’t love my husband,” she tells us and part of me cringes.
How much does this betrayed husband have to endure? I wonder. He loves his wife, but is devastated because she’s been unfaithful.
Not only that, but she’s pregnant with another man’s child, and now he must hear the words, “I don’t love you.” Yet, there he sits, man of honor, willing to take responsibility for ways he may have failed her in the marriage, willing to work on himself, willing to work towards reconciliation.
I understand the wife FEELS she doesn’t love her husband, and I know pushing her to stay in her marriage is not the answer. Love must always be a choice. You cannot force the wife to love her husband.
The Betrayed Husband
In another situation, I am working with a betrayed husband. It has taken him months to reach out for help and support. He’s a 6’6” handsome bodybuilder with a successful career. He tells me he’s not normally one to talk much, nor to show emotion, and really not too aware of his emotions.
Yet he explains to me how the pain of his wife’s affair has overwhelmed him. He says it has caused him to feel emotions so intense that he didn’t know he was capable of feeling. At times he tells me he’s found himself huddled on the floor in the fetal position, feeling nearly unable to bear the emotional pain.
It’s hard. Normally high-functioning, moral, good people are finding themselves feeling, doing, and considering things they never thought they would or could.
When the Wife Has the Affair
When the wife has had the affair it is often more difficult to get her to give up her affair and to be willing to put effort into the marriage. She has already checked out.
A husband may have the ability to have feelings for more than one woman, whereas a woman tends to give her devotion to only one man, so when she has come to the point of engaging in an affair, she has generally withdrawn her affection from her husband and given it to the other man. Even if a husband cheats, and he has given a part of himself to another, his love generally remained steadfast for his wife. When the wife cheats she is more likely to have entertained thoughts of leaving her marriage for her affair partner.
Differing Approaches
The cheating wife has often gone to her husband, pre-affair, time and again wanting to “talk” about their relationship. She tells him how she’s hurting, and asks for what she needs. But she has not been able to get through to him. So she gives up trying, and shut down.
She feels she’s given him chance after chance, and now she thinks, “that’s it!” After the affair, she’s more reluctant to give him a chance to win her heart back. Wives in general tend to be more “relationally tuned in” than their husbands, and aware of a disconnection within the marriage. They are more likely to be the ones to make the effort to read books, go to counseling or marriage retreats. They may even engage their spouses into “let’s fix our marriage” conversations prior to the time of getting sucked into an affair.
If a man has been unhappy in the relationship, he is less likely to be direct in asking for help. He is not likely to say, “Honey, we need to talk about our relationship.” He is fearful of being vulnerable in this way.
Common Factors
Some of the factors we find common when the wife has been unfaithful include:
• The wife didn’t feel heard in the marriage.
• She didn’t feel understood.
• The wife felt the heart connection was missing.
• She lost herself in the marriage giving too much, and losing a sense of her own identity.
• Her husband was an absentee father.
• She felt a disparity in fairness in roles in the relationship.
If she has been a woman of faith, she may have felt frustrated that her husband wasn’t taking on the role of spiritual leader in the home. She’s tired of trying to be the “good” person in the relationship. She feels she has been carrying the responsibility for too many things for too long.
Stress Factors
Today’s wives are under more stress than ever, because they generally work full-time outside the home and still carry the responsibility for most of the work in maintaining home and children. Plus women do not carry stress in the same way men do. Studies have shown that they feel twice as much stress at work given the same job/stressors as a man.
When a man comes home he generally has the ability to relax. This is how he de-stresses from the day. A woman on the other hand comes home to a second job and her stress now multiplies four times. Her Cortisol level (the stress hormone) shoots through the roof. Even if her husband says “here relax, I’ll take care of the kids, make dinner and do those extra loads of laundry,” she’ll only relax for a couple of minutes. She will then think of more things that need to get done; and she will get up and start doing it. The wife cannot relax until the work is done. Today’s women are generally experiencing far too much stress.
Greener Grass Syndrome
Wives are more likely to struggle with “greener grass syndrome.” “If only my husband would learn how to ___________ like so and so’s husband.”
The unfaithful wife often is not honest. She tries to hide the other relationship, because she doesn’t want to get rid of it.
When a spouse cheats our society tends to assume there were problems in the marriage, which led to the affair. While marriages with problems are certainly more susceptible to affairs, problems in marriages are not the only reasons for affairs. AFFAIRS DO HAPPEN IN GOOD, STRONG MARRIAGES TOO.
“Reasons” Spouses Cheat
When a wife cheats it is more likely that the husband has failed her in the marriage in some way, than when the husband cheats. But when the husband cheats it is more likely nothing to do with his wife, or satisfaction in his marriage.
A betrayed husband is more likely to be concerned with counting the number of times the wife had sex in the affair. He thinks to himself, “I wonder good this other man was in bed.”
Whenever the woman is the betrayed spouse she is likely to be more concerned with thoughts of “you must have loved her if …”
When the Wife/Husband Cheats
When the wife cheats she is more likely to have had a strong emotional connection to the other man. It’s less likely that her affair was only for sex.
Whenever a husband cheats, while many times there is a strong emotional connection, there are also many times when the unfaithfulness was only about sex.
When a wife cheats she often gives sex to gain the emotional connection that is satisfying her.
Whenever a husband cheats he is more likely to give the emotional connection to gain the sex he wants with this person.
When it’s the wife who cheats she suffers a greater social stigma and rejection. Her girlfriends are not likely to admire or support her in anyway (unless they’re desperate housewives protégés.)
But when the husband cheats some of the men in his circle of influence may look up to him and envy him a bit. The man’s unfaithfulness is basically acceptable in some circles. This is not likely for the woman, so she suffers with a greater sense of quiet desperation.
There IS Hope
There is tremendous hope for couples where the wife has been unfaithful. This is especially so when the betrayed husband is serious about becoming the man he needs to be for his wife. The changes he makes stick, so now more than ever the wife can have the husband she always wanted with the man she married. The illusion that things will be better with the affair partner is exactly that, an illusion. In real life the other man comes with his own set of character flaws, and the loving courtship behaviors that are present in the secret relationship, don’t continue if the affair becomes a marriage.
What can a betrayed husband do who wants to win his wife’s heart?
1. Really love your wife. Read The Heart of the 5 Love Languages
2. Refrain from being vindictive. Don’t throw stones. This could cause her to continue to see you as a “jerk”. She has probably been struggling with these thoughts, even while she was caught up in the affair (and possibly before it).
3. Be consistent. Learn how to fight fair.
But it’s not fair you say. Yes, I know. There is nothing fair in affair.
Suggestions for the wife who has had an affair:
1. Recognize that generally your affair partner is not better than the one you’re with.
2. Create reassurance for your husband, and give him lots of encouragement.
3. Reach out for support for yourself from sound, safe sources. This journey is way too hard. Don’t make the mistake of thinking you can do it alone.
Conclusion:
What became of the couples referred to in the opening? The wife in the first scenario committed to putting her whole heart into the work we would guide her through for a 3-month period of time. If she felt like leaving after this we agreed she could. However, she agreed that she was not to entertain the thought of divorce during that time. By 3 months they had moved significantly forward. Her feelings of love for her husband were returning. And for that reason they decided to continue the work. They purchased a coaching package for one year, and attended 3 of our seminars. They had fallen in love again, and were well on their way to healing by the time her baby was born. The husband adopted the child as his own and they have a wonderful family and life together today.
Second Scenario
The husband in the second scenario moved forward quickly once he reached out for help. His wife had already ended her affair. She fully committed to do whatever it would take to heal the marriage. They attended a Healing From Affairs Intensive after 4 months of coaching.
When they came to the Healing Intensive seminar it was a last ditch effort for them. The husband just didn’t see how he could continue to live with the pain he’d been feeling. The weekend became their turn around point. They set aside weekly time after that to work through all the materials we provided them with. Then they took their marriage to a whole new level at the Love & Passion weekend five months later. Today, they are stronger than ever, and helping others in their marriages.
You CAN Do It.
We’ve helped many couples; these are just two brief examples of them. If they can do it so can you. Don’t delay reaching out for help. Don’t go through this pain any longer than you absolutely have to. Nothing can do more for your wealth, health, children, career success and overall happiness than not only healing your marriage, but also making it a passionate one. We know the way. We’ll show you how. We guarantee it. What is getting from miserable to happy worth to you?
Anne and Brian Bercht, who are both affair recovery specialists, wrote this article. Anne has also written of the book, “My Husband’s Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me.” Together they have appeared on television programs throughout North America. Anne is the Director of the International Beyond Affairs Network. They have both a Canadian and a U.S. office. You can visit their web site at Beyondaffairs.com.
Filed under: Surviving Infidelity
(USA) Thanks Nicole, for your insight. Its been six months since D-day for us. We’ve been married for 24 years. I blame myself most times for my wife’s affair (but then again, I think no one deserves that). The reason why, I had a neck injury around 12 years ago so I began taking pain med, which lead to a substance abuse problem. I neglected my responsibilities as a husband and father and provider. I prayed and tried to stop taking the med. I even went to rehab but I would stop for a while only to start up again.
My wife stood by me the whole way. She has always served God and feared him. To me she was like an angel, perfect in ever way. I am the only man she has ever been with (don’t know any more). We married at the age of 18, dated for a year but only after we were married so that I know. I have so much respect for her for that. Anyway, she finally had enough and left me for 3 months and stayed with her mommy and daddy. After 2 weeks she began to talk to a childhood friend on Facebook then they started talking on the phone hours at a time.
Well, she spent 3 Sat. nights with him. She tells my nothing happened but a hug and a kiss, no more, then a peck, that she slept on the couch and that he was just a friend, just someone to talk to and a place to get away from every thing (he lives 35 miles away). The problem is when we talked about her coming home she told me she didn’t want me any more and didn’t love like she use to. It went from I want to see other people, to I want to date other people, to if it happens it happens. She was just very hurtfull and hateful the whole time.
She finally came home and would have never told me if I had not found his number and called him and left her with no other choice. She refuses to tell anything about what they did or talked about, not even what type car he drives (other than they just watched T.V. and he cooked her dinner).
I am so sorry for the things I have done and the neglect of my family that I want to keep nothing hidden. Every call I make, every thing I do, she knows about, drug test whatever it takes. She still doesn’t have the open book policy like me (just tells me I need to trust her). When I get upset and try to talk to her about this she just gets angry and tells me that I need to move on; she did, and that nothing’s wrong because we were not togther at the time, any way.
This has hurt me so bad that I can’t sleep. I have dreams when I do. I lost 80 pounds and can’t eat. I just don’t seem to be able to get over this. I need details from her but it’s like she punishes me when I try to talk to her about it. What do I do? From a woman’s point of view is she telling me the truth? (I know you can’t answer that; I just want to know what you think.) Please someone, give me some advice.
(UNITED STATES) Donald, I wish I had advice for you. Your situation breaks my heart.
One of the things that hurt me deeply after my husband found out is when he told me how he could no longer trust me and I had to agree that I had so irrevocably broken his trust that I wouldn’t blame him if he never trusted me again. All I can do now is become trustworthy.
I hate to say this, but your wife does not sound remorseful and repentant, and she has given you plenty of reasons not to trust her. As hard as it was, I forced myself to answer every question my husband asked me. There were a couple of graphic ones where I first asked him to reconsider whether he really wanted to know the answer, but I was willing to tell him everything.
There is no way we could have navigated through this past year on our own. We are both seeing counselors individually and we meet weekly with a Christian couple who have a ministry focused on restoring marriages. We went to an indepth marriage weekend and six weeks of follow-up meetings. We have read books. All of that has required us to face a lot of our own issues and work through them. I can honestly say that today I am convinced we are on our way to having the most awesome marriage I could ever imagine. We aren’t there yet, but we are already experiencing an intimacy and unity I didn’t think either of us were capable of. But we couldn’t have gotten here on our own.
All I can suggest is that you pray, pray, pray. Find a godly and wise man with a good marriage — someone who wants to see your marriage healed — and pray with him, vent to him, and seek his counsel. I pray that God would melt you wife’s heart and lead her to repentance…and that He would comfort you. The heartbreak you are experiencing is probably the worst anyone can suffer. Cling to Jesus. I am so deeply sorry for what has happened in your marriage, but I hold fast to the hope that our God specializes in redemption and reconciliation.
(USA) Thanks for your advice. I’m tring to pray but some times I even feel angry at God. I will press on. I have to; there is no other to turn to! I love my wife so deeply. I guess that’s why it hurts so bad. She is a wonderfull person, mother, to me the best wife a man can have and she still is. She doesn’t drink, cuss, smoke. Like I said she has allways been a God fearing person.
Never knew her to tell a lie until this. At first she was remorseful and cried and said she don’t know why she did it why she kissed him or went there; said it was a dumb mistake and cried about how she has destroyed our marriage . I found myself comforting her. Then when I downloaded all the massages off her facebook (never got to see them) and a list of phone records and called him. She went foolish like in a panic. So I have let it go. Now when I talk to her she only ends up angry. (her story never changes). She tells me when I bring it up it only brings up the things I done (I was open with the problem I had from the start) and that it hurts her because of the way she acted, talked to me, and treated me. She tells me if I don’t stop thinking about it then we will never work and just divorce her if we can’t move forward.
I don’t want that and she says she don’t but it has to go away. I don’t know what to do; it torments me. The worst is not knowing if she is telling me the truth or if there was more to it. I wonder if I’m just “love blind.” if they did or they didn’t I just want to know the truth so I can work thru this. Thanks for letting me cry on your shoulder. I have nowhere else to go.
(USA) My wife went to New York in June, August and November and I recently found out she has been seeing some guy and my suspicions were right. I pulled phone records and seen all the phone calls to this guy several times a day for hours every day and went as far as recording a conversation she had with him and she tells him how much she misses his voice and how much she loves him and after confronting her she still tried to deny it.
Finally she came clean and swears to me that it’s someone she really cares about a lot but told him that until she gets divorced she is not going to have a relationship with him she went to meet freinds and comes back with a relationship. I don’t understand. I want to believe her and I love her with all my heart. We have two wonderfull and beutifull kids, a real nice home, and a buisness together. The only good thing that makes me feel good is that he lives in New York and we live in Kansas. I don’t want to get a divorce; I just want my wife to fall in love with me again and I know that is possible with help.
(USA) I’ve read mostly all of the comments and stories on here and my heart is grieved for some and happy for others. I too experienced my ex -wife have an affair for several years before our divorce last year. My story is similar to others as we were members of our local church and accepted Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior.
Over the years the more I got involved in the church, the more she withdrew from it and our marriage. She began to hang out with friends who weren’t Christians or married. She knew the word of God. We were from the outside the perfect looking couple (House, 2 wonderful sons, car, good jobs) and we were in our twenties, but spiritually I’d began to see a shift. A shift that would eventually cause me to question God and backslide. For a while my mom and siblings would warn me of their dreams about her which I would ignore but deep inside knew something was going on.
To make a long story short, our communication had broke down and she would not even want to hear the name Jesus when I would try and ask her what was going on and what’s happening to our marriage. She began going out late and not coming home some nights and would lie and say she dranked to much to drive home. Eventually she packed up and moved out. I prayed consistently and God revealed to me what was going on and with who (amazing), but she denied it all until she was caught (after she moved out). It was an old high school teamate and friend who was also in a relationship with 3 kids. I was so hurt when I had the visible facts in front of me and I got away from church and my Bible for a while (not good). I knew the only way for me to get past this was to reconcile back with Christ, so I repented.
Eventually this guy’s fiancé also found out and found me, so we met and talked how he would lie for years about seeing someone. I learned she was also a Christian so we prayed for them both. She eventually let him go and I divorced her after many attempts to try and convince her to give it up and work on our marriage to no avail. She believed she did nothing wrong (spiritual blindness). So they both continued to be with each other, destroyed 2 families and 5 kids. Last month at the age of 37 he unexpectedly died of a heart attack. I continue to pray for his ex fiancé, her children and my ex wife. The wages of sin is death but the gift of God is eternal life!
(USA) Deuteronomy 22:22 Read it. God is a just God. Jesus forgives those who truly ask, but this is always what cheaters and their paramours face. Believe it. Holds true in 90% of the cases I’ve seen and talked with people about. The cheater ALWAYS loses, and the lost souls who invade another man or woman’s marriage pay dearly themselves.
God WILL make these cheaters pay. Hold your head up high. Trust me, God will gladly give it out.
(USA) You’re right Eddie! God is the same yesterday, today and forevermore and His word never returns to him void. Pure repentance is key to escape the wages of the sinful decisions we make. God loves us so much and Jesus already paid for all our sins. It’s sad that most people don’t believe it or want nothing to do with Jesus. I pray for them and for all the cheaters out there, and also the victims of an adulteress spouse!
(CANADA) My wife’s affair with a married man concluded when the circumstance that brought them together ended after a year, and it dawned on her that she was a mistress once she found out her partner & his wife were having a child.
Nothing worked before that, and it was hell.
(USA) Get her back! Seriously? Brothers, you guys are operating on a different plane than me…to say the least. I’ve been in that situation and 8 years later I couldn’t be more proud to say I ended the relationship the same day I found out and never looked back…even when she called me pleading for a second chance. Let them know that you will be faithful to them till the day you die and that you expect the same. 1 strike and you’re out — for either partner. I think if this rule is understood by both parties from the start the odds of cheating will decrease dramatically.
(USA) My wife cheated three years ago. There was no deep remorse from her. Just, yes I did a one-night thing with a guy I ministered to that shrugged me off. He went to a bar, and she went home with him. Three children we have and 24 years of marriage and balanced ministry together.
She also had an emotional affair with a coworker. Early on I tried to just suck it up, be a man, forgive and pursue her. She doesn’t want my affection, and since she screwed up, it is her turn to pursue me a bit. We haven’t had intimacy but maybe 4 times in three years now. We basically just work, sleep, eat, and try to do right for our children. Since then, I’ve been tempted to just cheat myself, but stayed strong and didn’t. I feel like a picture on the wall, just a thing or structure that’s at the house. I’m tired and disgusted and hate to dump my thoughts on others. Your thoughts on me pursuing is welcomed, but it became a worthless cause, I’m tired.
Sid, You are unable to heal because you wife has not provided a safe and secure environment, no given any reassurances that she will not cheat again in the future. It’s a hard existence to live. I suggest following Dr. Harley’s suggestions for healing/recovering after an affair on marriage builders.com. It’s a great website with tons of information to get you started on the road to real recovery.
(USA) I empathize with those who have struggled with marriage. I understand it is very hard work. I witnessed a lot of heartbreak among friends and family with issues such as divorce, infidelity, single parenthood, financial strain from failed marriages, etc. I also saw the emotional trauma in the aftermath of the marital breakdown, which can get really bad. Therefore, I never did get married. I am now middle-aged in my 40s.
Marriage just plain frightens me. I see a lot of hard work and risk. I am a sports fan and love running. To me, the concept of a successful marriage is like trying to go undefeated in a football season within the SEC conference. For most SEC teams, the concept of an undefeated season is unrealistic. Even Alabama, the national champion of 2013, lost a game in the SEC schedule to Texas A&M. To me, that is a good analogy for marriage -the “perfectly happy” marriage in a state of total bliss is rare and generally unrealistic.
More realistically, I see many high points and low points with euphoric courtship, honeymoon, or other marital events. But interspersed I also anticipate low points with arguments, disagreements, patterns of incompatibility, loss of freedom, never-ending work, and a huge ton of bills to pay (to say the least).
I’m glad I never rushed into marriage. As a Catholic I eventually want to do it, but I have the view of realism and don’t anticipate an easy road. If my wife had an affair I think that would crush it though. I can’t conceptualize going along with it after that. But I know it’s common -hence the risk is high. I miss being an early teen adolescent who just played middle school football and ate peanut butter and jelly sandwiches after a great practice with friends. Now in middle-age I’m expected to get married. I take it that marriage is coming and am braced for it to the extreme like an SEC coach who boasts of a great upcoming season but knows defeat will come at some point.
(US) Man, Marriage is based on two imperfect people uniting as “one”. Of course there are going to be rough seasons in your marriage. Marriage was designed by God to be an example of Christ’s love for the church. But being born with sinful nature none of us can fully live up to love as Christ does. However, we can live every day hoping to glorify God with our marriage. A lot of marriages fail because of selfishness. Affairs, addictions, abuse or just plain “I don’t love you anymore”… we need to love and respect each other and extend grace and forgivness to our spouses.
Marriage is only scary because to be fully devoted means to be fully vulnerable and that’s a very scary thing. But it is so worth it when you can look down the road one day and say you never gave up and you are more in love now than you were 30 years ago. I look forward to that day very much and I am so thankful I made the decision to marry my best friend instead of allowing Satan to fill my mind with fear and anxiety. God Bless!
(UK) I have experienced my wife having an affair and I have spoken to other men in the same situation. These men were hard working, non drinking men who were devoted to their wives, but possibly did not get this across until it was obvious in the devastation they suffer. A devoted husband has one purpose, to his wife and children, this is all he exists for, yet we are betrayed.
This love and devotion becomes a shock to the straying wife, who was plainly not aware that she had this man who loved the ground she walked on. These men without exception step back when confronted with the affair. They think, if their wife is happier with another man then it is best for her and he should allow time for her to determine.
This may be seen as weakness by the wife, but in reality it is the opposite. Time goes on as the wife overlooks the faults of the OM, trying to make this false relationship work. The husband self examines and makes adjustments to his health, fitness, mood etc. The affair continues as at the point a wife has an affair, to quote an earlier posting, she has already checked out.
During this time the husband assesses himself and realises that his wife lost all respect for him, but now as the affair continued he believes he should abandon the past. A long time usually goes by as the affair couple try to justify the damage done. The wife takes a long time to realise that the grass was in fact only painted green and rain has washed away the bright green that was seen before. She took a long time to decide to check out.
Now she looks at the husband and looks at the OM and wonders which way to turn. She may approach the husband tentatively, but still keeping OM as banker. The husband will not entertain potential reconciliation whilst the OM is even remotely in contact. Consequently the emotional attachment of the wife to the OM to any degree will prevent the return of trust sufficient for the husband to contemplate taking her back.
People underestimate the hurt felt by a betrayed husband where his wife was so precious, yet although he always told her she was appreciated and loved, she stopped listening. There is no negotiating with a betrayed husband unless he is weak or the OM is completely out of communication with the wife. What kind of man conducts an affair with a married woman? The wife will most often end up alone and/or unhappy.
My heart goes out to you –truly. I pray for you, as I pray for other husbands who suffer betrayal, and other wives whose husbands betray them. It’s so horribly sad that we can’t love each other with the everlasting, faithful love and heart of Christ. I cry with you and pray for you. May God comfort your heart and give you direction and wisdom in knowing how to best go on, despite this tear in your marriage. And may you eventually come to a place of peace and forgiveness –not bitterness, because in embracing bitterness, you are hurt all the more. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone –especially you.
Maybe you can give me some advice. I married very young at 18 to my 17 year old pregnant girlfriend, whom I loved very much. We had three children and were very happy. While the youthful beginning may suggest otherwise, God was very important to me and my wife and he has always been strong in my life. I was never unfaithful, didn’t drink or smoke and my wife never once hinted that she was unhappy with our marriage in anyway.
What I knew but didn’t fully understand during our marriage is that while she was my first love, my wife had been with over 40 men/boys by then. She came from a broken home and she had told me that she’d been abused as a young child on more than one occasion and had become sexually active very early on. One day I discovered she had been cheating on me and after confronting her about this she left me and our children for the man she was having an affair with, giving me no reason but saying she stilled loved me but she loved him too.
For the first couple of years after she left she’d return home sporadically to sleep with me, swear she still loved me and get emotional support as she told me about the emotional abuse she was suffering with this man. Then off she’d go back the next day to the abuser. Eventually she admitted that she no longer loved me but still offered me sex. I couldn’t deal with the pain from that arrangement and declined and eventually we divorced and became friends as we worked to raise our kids. I kept God close in my life and devoted myself solely to my kids from then on.
Sadly her personal life degraded. It seemed the worse her new boyfriend treated her the more she wanted him and eventually she married the new man and has had several children with him. She has had more issues in that marriage but I don’t feel it’s my place to discuss things she’s told me in private but I can say that she is still battling the demons from her past. I have never been able to hate my ex, actually I guess I’ll always love her and just wish I had understood her situation when I was young. Maybe I could have helped her and our marriage then. I just thought love and utter devotion would solve all her pain and sadness. She said it did back then but I know now that it couldn’t and I wish I’d done more. She’s been getting help now and I’ve seen improvement but she still never seems happy.
Over the years she’s been an active and loving mom to our kids and we’ve built a strong friendship (she is the closest person in my life still) which has solidified since we removed the sexual component 20 years ago. Yes it’s been 20 years and I haven’t loved again since. That is what I need help with; I devoted myself to my kids for all these years. Taking care of them as a single father, never bringing another woman into there life as I felt it was tough enough on them to deal with their mom’s issues and new husband and our divorce (and it was a good excuse too for me to avoid getting hurt again I guess) but my kids have grown and time has passed.
I’m 44, reasonably good looking and healthy but I still can’t move on or trust again. I have very strong sexual urges but mostly I really miss holding hands, kissing and just being in love but I can’t find the courage to even attempt a relationship again. I’ve hesitantly stepped forward a few times reaching for help from my clergy but each time I’ve retreated immediately. I isolated myself for so many years and now I spend most of my time alone, only seeing my kids and volunteering to coach sports. I find I’m happy around kids and really uncomfortable around adults. Working out of my house doesn’t help the matter much. I don’t even know if God would want me to look for love again. No one forced me to get married to my ex. As a matter of fact I received a lot of advice against it. But I made my choices and I’ve tried to live up to my responsibilities since then but I do feel so lonely and wonder if I’ll ever feel whole again or if this is my penance for having sex and getting my ex-wife pregnant before we were married. Is there anything you can think of that may help me?
It sounds like you’re almost done with your self pity. Does God want you to try to love again? Does God want you to be happy? Why wouldn’t he? Do you believe because you were young and dumb and thought your love would be enough to save her that God wants you to stay unhappy? When you fell, who picked you up? Many times we don’t realize when we put people in front of God or put ourselves between them and God (meaning we want to save them so they will love us instead of building their faith in him) often times it’s good intentions but if it is really looked at, it’s selfishness that we are doing. We want the glory.
Just accept we are not perfect and do not put people or yourself before God. If you do, admit and ask for forgiveness and observe and accept the consequences it will not be more than you can bare. Smile God loves you!
Hi.
I am married man with two kids, got seriously involved 4yrs with another women who is already married. We both love each other and decided to have kids. Now she is blessed with twins of mine. I had declared my affair to my wife and confess and my first wife is ready to accept her and my kids. Now my new mother of my kids is not willing to disclose this matter to her husband. I can’t stay away from my new born babies. How can I take the custody of my kids. Please advice me.
Did you not think there would be no consequences when you were being selfish? You slept with her in secret. Why not see your twins in secret? It’s because you revealed your Sin to your wife. It does not mean you are honest about this situation. You are hurting a lot of people. Haven’t you done enough? I’m not saying the new mother is right by not confessing, but you agreed in secret to have children and now you want her to confess, not because it is right but because of your own selfish reason. Do what you will, but do it with a humble heart and with truth. Smile God loves you.
Pshhh… The title “My Husband’s Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me” seems so trite in the face of the devastation that infidelity causes. It gives a false sense of hope to the perspective reader who may still have very fresh wounds and will read and do anything to make the agonizing pain stop. The fact of the matter is the pain doesn’t stop EVER, ESPECIALLY if you choose to stay in the marriage. It just starts to become part of you.
You’ve been drop kicked into a world where you feel shared, violated, and degraded and God himself can’t make that NOT have happened. You will never unknow, or unsee, or unfeel in your brave new world. The thick layer of detachment is your new security blanket. Without that you are naked. I’m SEVEN YEARS into the “healing process” and I feel that if one is able to just wrap it up and call it a day they should. If you choose to stay prepare yourself for the joy of constantly bracing yourself for when the shoe is going to drop, managing new insecurities you’ve never had in the past, unrelenting anxiety attacks in crowds and a basic overall disdain for the male gender.
Another fun little leftover from your man’s field trip will probably be insomnia. You’ll have years of sleepless nights wondering how in the world this became your life experience. You stayed. You took the high road. You made a sincere attempt at forgiveness, your even bought the “Power of a Praying Wife”. Well; I hate to say it but there is no going back and what is ahead is shifty and shady at best.
If I were allowed into the Throne Room of God the LAST thing I would say was “My Husbands Affair Was The Best Thing That Ever Happened To Me”. I would ask God why he allowed some of the specifics of my experience, and I would ask Him what He thought when He witnessed my introduction to this new point in time that will exist for the rest of my life titled: “After The Affair”. I would ask God if it would be okay if I could screw other men as a form of revenge since He seems to be rather cavalier about my man’s behavior. Apparently this “just happens”. “Men cheat”; it’s just the way it is.
I guess everyone does what they gotta do. I still don’t see any benefit in staying.
I’ve been cheated on there is no excuse, but there are reasons. The short version, people lean on there own understanding, they put desires there feeling there wants before God. If he isn’t first then who or what is? If God is not where your self worth is coming from then where? Is who you are what you do? Can the mind comprehend who you really are? If you can’t look and believe your true self is good and that the mind can become twisted on one little lie and that lie leads to another before long your mind is so confused you don’t even realize how lost you are. The biggest lie is that we believe our mind can tell us who we are.
Here’s the point, if you don’t see that no matter what you do your soul (true self) is good but the mind (flesh) is weak, meaning it is easily twisted if we let it run wild (wonder) and believe lies about yourself (and by the way the mind won’t only put you down but also build you up on things that are not true).
How are we going to forgive and have understanding? Not make excuses, but see the truth that your wife is not a bad person, what she did was. And the pain and suffering she’s in is from what she’s doing and is only because her self worth is coming from man, and not God. The mind was not intended to be able to comprehend the soul, only God can do that. So you have to have faith. If you do wrong, it’s because you know not what you are doing. I’m not saying you don’t know what is right from wrong, just why your doing it. If that was clear you would do right every time and the only way that is going to happen is to search for truth.
But anyways, that is the first thing your wife needs from you is to point her to the one who can tell her soul it’s worth not reasoning with her mind; that’s twisted. When the soul knows its worth the mind will be at ease. Do not lean on your own understanding. Treat others how want to be treated. It’s easy to love those who love you. Lean on God only. Have faith. God is good. Smile God loves you.
You are giving a lot of “food for thought” to many who will read your comment, I’m sure. There are some wives, just as there are some husbands who are just bent on sinning –they want what they want when they want it. But I believe the majority fall in line with what you are saying. Thank you for sharing these thoughts. You are a man of thought and of grace –God’s grace, which is a great combination. May the Lord help you to stay true to His values and extend grace as He would have you.
My friends, 2.5 years after disclosure and the best help I could find (Joe Beam), my life feels hopeless but for the occasional table scrap of a promise hinting vaguely at some relative form of future marital happiness, which borders on unendurable cruelty.
At this point I only wish for clarity in God’s will for my life and situation. Please pray that I – and that all of us – would seek and confidently hear God’s voice. There is no other solution, at least for me. And there’s surely no power short of Satan himself that explains the devastation this has wrought upon my marriage, health, family, and even my faith, as I’d be a liar if I said that this hasn’t caused doubt, even while faith is all that I have to hold onto.
Dear God, please help. This is more than I can take. Please just bring me home to your mansion of many rooms. I’m tired and I want to go home.
My wife of 19 years told me a few weeks ago that she was having an affair. We had been rocky almost from day one — after a brief honeymoon phase, I felt she was distant, uninterested, willing to take but not to give. She never wanted to put much effort into our marriage. I tried everything I could think of to improve our marriage — read so many books, asked the advice of so many couples in our congregation. I even got her to go to counseling a few times — nothing seemed to improve matters. I blamed myself. I would get angry. I would get hurt. I would pull back. I told myself that I was making her act that way because of my sin. We had a daughter — she’s now eight. That stabilized things a bit, though we still had a crummy, basically loveless marriage.
This past year, my best friend died, and there were other losses. I got low. I crawled into a hole and snarled at everyone. I gained sixty pounds. I looked at my sham of a marriage and decided to blame her. I told her that either we go to counseling or I move out and start divorce proceedings. She said, basically, “Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.”
I moved out. I started praying. God answered my prayers. I didn’t much care for that! What God showed me was my own sin. He showed me that I was to love my wife. I was not to withhold my love until and unless she loved me back in the way that I thought I deserved. I was to love her no matter what she did. That did not excuse her behavior at all. But God did show me that my thinking was all backwards. I never understood 1 Cor 13 until then (the “love is…” verses). I discovered that underneath the anger, underneath the hurt, and underneath the fear, I still loved my wife with all my heart, and that I had been a horrible husband to her for 19 years.
I called her. I met with her. I told her that I was sorry, and that I loved her. She said that she had moved on, and that there was someone else now. This was five weeks ago. We had been separated only eight weeks at that point. I pieced together the evidence — she had been in an emotional affair (at least emotional; she claims the sex didn’t start until I moved out) for at least eight years. I moved back into the house (boy, was she mad at that). She won’t talk. She’s still seeing the other guy. Today she dropped that bomb that she wants to abandon me and our daughter and spend Thanksgiving with him.
My counselor, my preacher, and the friends I’ve confided in all tell me to move slow, give her space, give her time. I’m doing that. But it’s so hard. It hurts so much. I’ve lost thirty pounds just from stress.
The worst is what it’s doing to our daughter. She knows something’s wrong. She wakes up screaming on the nights when my wife is “out.” She knows we’re keeping something from her.