(Please note: This article is written from the angle of when “the wife has the affair.” But please know that we do realize there are many times when the husband is the unfaithful one. If this is true for you, please change the pronouns.)
Not Feeling Love
A husband and wife sit in our office beside each other on the sofa. She is pregnant with the other man’s child. “I don’t love my husband,” she tells us and part of me cringes.
How much does this betrayed husband have to endure? I wonder. He loves his wife, but is devastated because she’s been unfaithful.
Not only that, but she’s pregnant with another man’s child, and now he must hear the words, “I don’t love you.” Yet, there he sits, man of honor, willing to take responsibility for ways he may have failed her in the marriage, willing to work on himself, willing to work towards reconciliation.
I understand the wife FEELS she doesn’t love her husband, and I know pushing her to stay in her marriage is not the answer. Love must always be a choice. You cannot force the wife to love her husband.
The Betrayed Husband
In another situation, I am working with a betrayed husband. It has taken him months to reach out for help and support. He’s a 6’6” handsome bodybuilder with a successful career. He tells me he’s not normally one to talk much, nor to show emotion, and really not too aware of his emotions.
Yet he explains to me how the pain of his wife’s affair has overwhelmed him. He says it has caused him to feel emotions so intense that he didn’t know he was capable of feeling. At times he tells me he’s found himself huddled on the floor in the fetal position, feeling nearly unable to bear the emotional pain.
It’s hard. Normally high-functioning, moral, good people are finding themselves feeling, doing, and considering things they never thought they would or could.
When the Wife Has the Affair
When the wife has had the affair it is often more difficult to get her to give up her affair and to be willing to put effort into the marriage. She has already checked out.
A husband may have the ability to have feelings for more than one woman, whereas a woman tends to give her devotion to only one man, so when she has come to the point of engaging in an affair, she has generally withdrawn her affection from her husband and given it to the other man. Even if a husband cheats, and he has given a part of himself to another, his love generally remained steadfast for his wife. When the wife cheats she is more likely to have entertained thoughts of leaving her marriage for her affair partner.
Differing Approaches
The cheating wife has often gone to her husband, pre-affair, time and again wanting to “talk” about their relationship. She tells him how she’s hurting, and asks for what she needs. But she has not been able to get through to him. So she gives up trying, and shut down.
She feels she’s given him chance after chance, and now she thinks, “that’s it!” After the affair, she’s more reluctant to give him a chance to win her heart back. Wives in general tend to be more “relationally tuned in” than their husbands, and aware of a disconnection within the marriage. They are more likely to be the ones to make the effort to read books, go to counseling or marriage retreats. They may even engage their spouses into “let’s fix our marriage” conversations prior to the time of getting sucked into an affair.
If a man has been unhappy in the relationship, he is less likely to be direct in asking for help. He is not likely to say, “Honey, we need to talk about our relationship.” He is fearful of being vulnerable in this way.
Common Factors
Some of the factors we find common when the wife has been unfaithful include:
• The wife didn’t feel heard in the marriage.
• She didn’t feel understood.
• The wife felt the heart connection was missing.
• She lost herself in the marriage giving too much, and losing a sense of her own identity.
• Her husband was an absentee father.
• She felt a disparity in fairness in roles in the relationship.
If she has been a woman of faith, she may have felt frustrated that her husband wasn’t taking on the role of spiritual leader in the home. She’s tired of trying to be the “good” person in the relationship. She feels she has been carrying the responsibility for too many things for too long.
Stress Factors
Today’s wives are under more stress than ever, because they generally work full-time outside the home and still carry the responsibility for most of the work in maintaining home and children. Plus women do not carry stress in the same way men do. Studies have shown that they feel twice as much stress at work given the same job/stressors as a man.
When a man comes home he generally has the ability to relax. This is how he de-stresses from the day. A woman on the other hand comes home to a second job and her stress now multiplies four times. Her Cortisol level (the stress hormone) shoots through the roof. Even if her husband says “here relax, I’ll take care of the kids, make dinner and do those extra loads of laundry,” she’ll only relax for a couple of minutes. She will then think of more things that need to get done; and she will get up and start doing it. The wife cannot relax until the work is done. Today’s women are generally experiencing far too much stress.
Greener Grass Syndrome
Wives are more likely to struggle with “greener grass syndrome.” “If only my husband would learn how to ___________ like so and so’s husband.”
The unfaithful wife often is not honest. She tries to hide the other relationship, because she doesn’t want to get rid of it.
When a spouse cheats our society tends to assume there were problems in the marriage, which led to the affair. While marriages with problems are certainly more susceptible to affairs, problems in marriages are not the only reasons for affairs. AFFAIRS DO HAPPEN IN GOOD, STRONG MARRIAGES TOO.
“Reasons” Spouses Cheat
When a wife cheats it is more likely that the husband has failed her in the marriage in some way, than when the husband cheats. But when the husband cheats it is more likely nothing to do with his wife, or satisfaction in his marriage.
A betrayed husband is more likely to be concerned with counting the number of times the wife had sex in the affair. He thinks to himself, “I wonder good this other man was in bed.”
Whenever the woman is the betrayed spouse she is likely to be more concerned with thoughts of “you must have loved her if …”
When the Wife/Husband Cheats
When the wife cheats she is more likely to have had a strong emotional connection to the other man. It’s less likely that her affair was only for sex.
Whenever a husband cheats, while many times there is a strong emotional connection, there are also many times when the unfaithfulness was only about sex.
When a wife cheats she often gives sex to gain the emotional connection that is satisfying her.
Whenever a husband cheats he is more likely to give the emotional connection to gain the sex he wants with this person.
When it’s the wife who cheats she suffers a greater social stigma and rejection. Her girlfriends are not likely to admire or support her in anyway (unless they’re desperate housewives protégés.)
But when the husband cheats some of the men in his circle of influence may look up to him and envy him a bit. The man’s unfaithfulness is basically acceptable in some circles. This is not likely for the woman, so she suffers with a greater sense of quiet desperation.
There IS Hope
There is tremendous hope for couples where the wife has been unfaithful. This is especially so when the betrayed husband is serious about becoming the man he needs to be for his wife. The changes he makes stick, so now more than ever the wife can have the husband she always wanted with the man she married. The illusion that things will be better with the affair partner is exactly that, an illusion. In real life the other man comes with his own set of character flaws, and the loving courtship behaviors that are present in the secret relationship, don’t continue if the affair becomes a marriage.
What can a betrayed husband do who wants to win his wife’s heart?
1. Really love your wife. Read The Heart of the 5 Love Languages
2. Refrain from being vindictive. Don’t throw stones. This could cause her to continue to see you as a “jerk”. She has probably been struggling with these thoughts, even while she was caught up in the affair (and possibly before it).
3. Be consistent. Learn how to fight fair.
But it’s not fair you say. Yes, I know. There is nothing fair in affair.
Suggestions for the wife who has had an affair:
1. Recognize that generally your affair partner is not better than the one you’re with.
2. Create reassurance for your husband, and give him lots of encouragement.
3. Reach out for support for yourself from sound, safe sources. This journey is way too hard. Don’t make the mistake of thinking you can do it alone.
Conclusion:
What became of the couples referred to in the opening? The wife in the first scenario committed to putting her whole heart into the work we would guide her through for a 3-month period of time. If she felt like leaving after this we agreed she could. However, she agreed that she was not to entertain the thought of divorce during that time. By 3 months they had moved significantly forward. Her feelings of love for her husband were returning. And for that reason they decided to continue the work. They purchased a coaching package for one year, and attended 3 of our seminars. They had fallen in love again, and were well on their way to healing by the time her baby was born. The husband adopted the child as his own and they have a wonderful family and life together today.
Second Scenario
The husband in the second scenario moved forward quickly once he reached out for help. His wife had already ended her affair. She fully committed to do whatever it would take to heal the marriage. They attended a Healing From Affairs Intensive after 4 months of coaching.
When they came to the Healing Intensive seminar it was a last ditch effort for them. The husband just didn’t see how he could continue to live with the pain he’d been feeling. The weekend became their turn around point. They set aside weekly time after that to work through all the materials we provided them with. Then they took their marriage to a whole new level at the Love & Passion weekend five months later. Today, they are stronger than ever, and helping others in their marriages.
You CAN Do It.
We’ve helped many couples; these are just two brief examples of them. If they can do it so can you. Don’t delay reaching out for help. Don’t go through this pain any longer than you absolutely have to. Nothing can do more for your wealth, health, children, career success and overall happiness than not only healing your marriage, but also making it a passionate one. We know the way. We’ll show you how. We guarantee it. What is getting from miserable to happy worth to you?
Anne and Brian Bercht, who are both affair recovery specialists, wrote this article. Anne has also written of the book, “My Husband’s Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me.” Together they have appeared on television programs throughout North America. Anne is the Director of the International Beyond Affairs Network. They have both a Canadian and a U.S. office. You can visit their web site at Beyondaffairs.com.
Filed under: Surviving Infidelity
Are you kidding me? The wife has an affair and based on what this article says it is the man’s fault. Christian Feminism is taking over the church. Yes a man should love his wife but the problem of her affair was lust plain and simple. The women who do this should admit it, beg for forgiveness and pray their husbands will be willing to work it out. Affairs are not the other spouses fault. Affairs are sin committed by the offending party.
I’m really struggling with my partner of 22 years; we have four kids. She had an affair while we were separated. Now I have somewhat forced my way back home. She has said at times she wants to work things out but cannot give me any affection, which is what I’m craving right now. She is at the point where she is saying she needs space again. I’m to scared to go for fear of her returning to him. She tells me it’s over but still has feelings for him. I’ve made a lot of changed in myself but nothing seems to be working. The more I reach out the more she pulls away from me. I love this women so much and don’t know what to do.
I am going on two weeks now after finding out about my wife’s affair when she was deployed. She said she stopped roughly two weeks before she came home only because they almost got caught. She also said she had every intention of leaving the affair behind her when she left the country, but then I find that she was still chatting with him during her 24 hour layover in Baltimore before flying home the next day. She changed her story to “I planned on it ending when I got home”. A few other details changed after talking about the whole ordeal, but I was still inclined to believe her.
I have my moments when I feel she is holding back to avoid hurting me even more. My issue is I stayed home for the 6 months she was deployed and watched our 2 young children. I managed to completely remodel our new house, along with making sure our first home was maintained from several states away. I payed all the bills, took the kids to appointments, made sure her family along with mine got to talk and skype with our kids regularly. I know that her deployment was full of long hours and on several occasions without a day off for a few weeks. I myself have been deployed when I was active, but I never strayed. Not only do I find out that she was having an affair for the last two weeks of her deployment, during thanksgiving and Christmas while her family was visiting, but she also said that she does not love me and that the affair just further confirmed her feelings.
I was under the impression that we were doing well, by no means perfect, but well. I know I was not the greatest person to be around at times and it has been a continual process of change for me. This all said, I am finding it hard to look past this affair to the point were I can truly be the man I should have been and have her fall back in love with me. For the most part, I am past the details part of someone else seeing, touching, and sharing all the intimate parts of my wife. It still hurts, but I am currently dealing with anger and frustration towards her. I ask myself how dare she do this to me, our marriage, and our kids? How could she disrespect me so much and have no sense of honor for our marriage and me. Yes I know that I am responsible for her loss of love to a point, but I can’t understand how she could have done this.
She said it was like an alternate reality which to a point I understand, being deployed myself. There is a feeling of removal from responsibilities and obligations that are so typical of non-deployed life. We both want to work it out and move forward and some days are easier than others. We visited a counselor the other day and are trying her suggestions. Mine was to not mention anything affair related to her, but write it down or find another outlet. Hers was to be more affectionate towards me. This is supposed to be for a week until we see the counselor again. I have done well but it doe put me in a mood around her when she seems to be go about business as usual. I want to move past this and help her fall in love with me again, but it feels like if I never bring it up again or talk about it with her that I am letting her get away with it, while I am on the hook for causing her to fall out of love with me.
I know I have to do this, but I need help or suggestions on how to move beyond this. I know it is still rather new and I don’t truly expect to forgive her in the near future. I need to know how I can get over this frustration of feeling like I got the short end of the stick, when she is the one who cheated. I would like to know what else she could be doing to make me feel more like she is truly remorseful and that she does want it to work. I do apologize for any confusing parts, I just have so much to say and I can’t type as fast as my mind is racing. Any help would be appreciated.
I am so ashamed of the emotional affair that recently was discovered. I hate that I relied on this friend for advice and I could vent to. I have hurt two families. My husband is divorcing me despite our 21 years of marriage and the two affairs he had and I forgave him and stayed with him. I have cut off this texting relationship and we live 15 hours apart. He has also done so and would like to repair his marriage. My husband said we are a lost cause and I’ve begged him. To no avail. :(
I have been married for 13 years. We were married too young and more interested in planning a wedding instead of a marriage. My husband is a wonderful person but I’ve never felt romantic love for him. Even so, being that he was a good person, we married. We now have three children and from an outside perspective, a perfect life. Great jobs, Christian home, the dream life. Eight months ago I rekindled a friendship with an old high school crush. The very first day I spoke to him, my heart did flips. I felt things I hadn’t felt in so many years. Looking back, what I wouldn’t give to have run in the opposite direction. But I didn’t; it felt too good to stop. Within a few weeks it became a sexual and emotional relationship.
I’ve fallen in love with this man. I do not want to ruin my children’s home life. If anyone is considering an affair, let me tell you, IT’S NOT WORTH THE PAIN. The wages of sin is death and I truly feel like I’m dying. My heart is in 24/7 turmoil. I’ve lost weight, can’t eat, can’t sleep…completely devastated in my life. If I split up my home, I ruin my children’s and husband’s lives. If I stay, I’ve ruined mine. I’m in a true no-win situation. Please, please, if you’re a woman considering an affair, get on your knees now and beg that Christ get you out of the situation now! 3I would do anything to start over and make a better decision.
SAME. I agree 100% to anybody out there considering it: DON’T DO IT – IT IS NOT WORTH IT!!! It’s just SATAN’s BIG FAT LIE!!!! And I was dumb and believed it.
I know something is wrong. I just want her to admit to it so I can move forward in repairing our relationship. This is causing so much pain for both of us. I told her I’m willing to change and make her the center of my life aside for my undying devotion to my beautiful kids. My worry is that she is doing everything she can to control me and break me down until I’m destroyed. I will love her unconditionally at this point, doing my upmost to treat her like my cherished wife. However the pain and truth of the affair is evident but she is unwilling to admit to be blamed for her affair.
My doctors said the only way to keep us together is to ignore the obviousness that she has been unfaithful. I fear her guilt has already pushed her away no matter what I do. She will not come out and say it instead, continues to relentlessly give me cruel hints in an effort to break my will. Help us. Help me be happy for the kids and to ignore her huge mistake against my heart. Again, I will move forward not bringing this horrible truth to light. She is the only one that can do what she wants to in this relationship. I can only do what I feel is right.
Dear lord, no matter what, I don’t want to be taken from my amazing kids. So I will love her now and forever, and I will let You handle all of the things she may have done in the dark. Give me strength God, to be strong for myself and our kids and to give her only positive, supportive, unconditional love. The next step will be up to me. Hold on tight. This is the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to deal with. Only love will keep us together.
Wow, this man has given me the strength I needed. Your words have jumped off the screen and poured into my prayers. I’m with you on asking the Lord for strength, but I will not stay with a woman who puts herself before our family. I laid out the consequences of such a selfish act to my wife while we were dating. Her choice to act will only provide me to leave her followed by another choice to make. 1. Tell me exactly what happened and only the man will suffer from coming into my home…he will suffer in a way that he will feel like there is truly a hell, and he”s living in it. 2. Protect him and not provide me the answers I deserve, and I will make sure the both of you will feel my fury.
Either way, I am done with you. The Lord says that an adulteress is nothing more than a prostitute. She gives men gifts while the men ask her for nothing. A prostitute, nothing more, nothing less. Most women would love to have what she has, but her lust and selfish actions were her main priorities. My strength is confidence in myself as a man, and having a mindset of complete and utter disgust of any woman who lacks understanding.
I will never speak to you again, and I will go after everything you love, and that’s our child. A woman who makes this choice, and betrays her caring husband who loved her completely, is only giving her child a lower probability of living a happier life. I will do as Jesus did, and that’s taking swift action. Forgiveness after this woman was provided a scenario with the consequences of an affair, and yet still made the choice, does not deserve one more second of my love.
Hallo. Have had an affair with a man. My husband did find out. Tried talking to him about it but he has been threatening my life with insults and he also threatened to kill me. At this point I do not know what I really feel…rather than moving away. What should I do?
Josephine, do just that. Move away. Threats against your life should be taken seriously. Find some supportive relatives and/or friends to stay with. Or go find a shelter where you can stay for a while. You need a healthy and safe environment where you can heal and turn your life around. Best wishes and Godspeed to you. ~Zaire
So my husband has told me at least 3 different times that he not only loves his mistress (who is married w 3 kids) but is truly In love with her. He was only doing individual counseling because he needs to know why he’s so empty inside. He has yet to shed a tear for what he may lose (wife and 2 kids 14 & 15). Once my kids figured it out and they pretty much went radio silent on him. Of course when asked he did tell them he was happy when he was with “her” and he missed “her”. My son told him he had to leave and after 4 days he’s now all into couples therapy. A bit too coincidental for me.
He still talks to “her” and they have shared how they are and how counseling is going for each of them. Oddly enough my kids are closer and less stressed than I’ve ever seen them. So I worry about trying to make it work when he clearly is still attached. We’ve had a handful of tragic events in our life and he says he’s tired and needs a break. Well life is hard and it won’t get much easier for sure. God never promised us an easy life but he did promise He would always be there. Considering his current feelings, his past record of not facing tough issues, and his lack of any reaction at being caught do I want that type of man? Is that what I want my son and daughter to emulate? Should we consider therapeutic separation, say 6 months or so, to take a breather? Maybe he will grow up, realize what he can lose and maybe we can even date again. I can’t make him love me and I won’t continue to basically audition for a part in his life.
I’m married for 6 years, no kids because of my infertility issues. I write my long story short. My hb is nice to me but likes to gamble that came to him losing all his assets and with debts after our 3 years of marriage. Things got harder later and I became more independent and our sex lives really suck. We drifted apart slowly and I started to have my own social life without him much all the time. As time passes I got into infidelity with my long time casual friend. He has a girlfriend but was flirting with me and got me hooked up to him. I just met him 2 times (Jan and March) and stop seeing him but only texting because I feel it’s not fair to my husband.
Then, I decided and I started to ask separation with my husband because I really fell out of love. After few months now I found out he started to gamble and borrowed a huge sum of money from outside that make me really angry and disappointed in him. He needs to run away because nobody can help him this time. So I proposed a divorce and he agreed. He is really heart broken, I know. He only says sorry to me for all his problems and leaves.
The problem is I still feel guilty anyway, instead of his wrongdoing. The other man I’ve had infedility with is asking me to have a real relationship with him now. His gf broke up with him in March and he had grieved for 2 months and he said he wants to be with me since we both are available now. I’m really not sure whether he is really ready for a new relationship or just wants a temporary companion. I’m in the midst of settling my hb leftover stuff and I really feel overwhelmed.
Initially I was happy to start a new relationship with him and promised to find him next month but after few days now I feel a bit of reluctant and have been thinking a lot in my mind whether we are working and the problem is I still feel guilty anyway. Can somebody please advise me? I know I’m wrong in first hand, whatever my hb did. What should I do that I can make myself feel better?
Reading this blog I’m a bit confused. If my wife stepped out and even had a one night affair it would have completely destroyed the fabric of our marriage and I would not accept her back. Maybe I’m just not forgiving enough but thinking about it I’d always be wondering if she’s either still in an affair or thinking about another. I’d also always be reminded that she gave herself to another. I believe I wouldn’t want her in any way shape or form. Perhaps I’m the minority here but it’s my feeling. Your blog seems to be one of forgiveness where I couldn’t find it in my heart to forgive or overlook.
I am a wife and mother. I’ve been married over 25 years. I am in no way justifying the things I’ve done. I blame myself and my husband for the situation we’re in. I have become bitter and angry at my husband for constantly lying to me and our children. I was a faithful wife and over the years I prayed to be the wife & mother God intended me to be. I prayed for my husband physically and spiritually and prayed for our marriage to grow stronger. I have cried and begged him to be honest; he would claim he was scared to tell me the truth about anything because he didn’t want to disappoint me. Therefore I felt like it was my fault he could not communicate with me.
Most of the time his family & friends knew more about what he was doing than I did. I became bitter, angry and disconnected after so many years of his lies and deceit about our finances and many other things. He has humiliated me and our children. For years I told him out children would lose respect for him because of his dishonesty.
I became emotionally involved with a male friend. The relationship started out as casual chit chat but over time it became more than a friendship. I hate that I let myself get involved with another man and I want to break free of this but I’m in fear because the other man threatens to post stuff on social media and has become very possessive. I’ve told him to leave me alone but he tells me he is going to marry me someday. I’m angry at myself for being so stupid and I’m angry at my husband for not being a man of his word.
Tell your husband about the affair and the guy that is after you. That way it takes away his power over you. Then tell him that you honestly want to work on strengthening your marriage. Just be honest, you have 25 years together! It’s worth saving. Sounds like yall have alot of work to do. The strength only comes from Above. Pray about it first.
“A husband may have the ability to have feelings for more than one woman, whereas a woman tends to give her devotion to only one man, so when she has come to the point of engaging in an affair, she has generally withdrawn her affection from her husband and given it to the other man. When a husband cheats, generally his love has remained steadfast for his wife, even while he’s given part of himself to another.”
“When the wife cheats she is more likely to have had a strong emotional connection to the other man. It’s less likely that her affair was only for sex.”
I can attest to the truth of these statements from the article! My marriage was already on the rocks and headed towards divorce when I reconnected with “Ken,” an old acquaintance from a church I used to be a member of. I know his wife too, and I always prided myself on being that woman who had “too much respect” for my sisters to ever sleep with someone’s husband. Well, being a neglected wife (and him claiming to be a neglected husband), all that character, nobility and integrity went out the window. One year in an emotional affair (with lots of touching, but no sex) and then it morphed into a full-blown sexual affair. Only 2-1/2 weeks ago was I able to close the door. Again. And cut off all contact. I hope it’s REALLY ‘for good’ this time! The hardest part for me was that it was NOT just a sexual relationship. In the last 4 years that Ken and I were involved, we built a very strong friendship. We talked a lot. About every and any thing.
We helped each other careerwise, and he was an amazing source of encouragement, understanding, conversation…and he challenged me. Ken didn’t just tell me the things he thought I wanted to hear. He told me what I needed to hear. Except for the fact, of course, that our illicit relationship was VERY wrong and it needed to end! That had to come from me. But that emotional and intellectual connection we shared is what caused me to fall in love with Ken. And even though I chose to do the right thing and bring it all to an end, I’m still torn over whether to disclose the affair to my husband and his wife. I can honestly say that he is the only man I’ve ever stepped out of my marriage with. Ken claimed the same, but I never believed it for one second.
He travels for work and returns back to his native country several times a year. I have no doubt that he probably engages in affairs with other women as well. Because my marriage has been rocky for quite some time, including me commuting out of town for work as well, this marital strain (that existed well BEFORE the commuting), led to the withholding of sex on my part anyway. Therefore, anytime Ken and I had unprotected sex, I was doubly sure to NOT sleep with my husband. Sooooooo terribly wrong, I know. But I was carrying enough guilt from the affair itself. I couldn’t have lived with myself had I contracted something from Ken and gave it to my husband. The few times that Hubby and I did sleep together over the past couple of years, I mostly asked him to used condoms. Under normal circumstances, that raises a flag for a man, but due to my history of menstrual/reproductive issues (often aggravated by semen), there was nothing uncommon or strange about use of them…so there again, there were situational “scapegoats” for me to hide behind.
Still though, I think a lot of men would’ve been asking more questions. Not my husband. Especially after going so long without, he was always glad to indulge whenever and however he could. Long story short, I don’t want to hurt either of our loyal spouses, but as I prepared to exit a loveless, lifeless marriage from a man who is terribly disconnected and inattentive, a part of me wants to come all the way clean. And too, because I know Ken’s wife, I don’t want her to stay in the dark. For her health, if for no other reason. If her husband refuses to protect her, then she should probably be told the truth…so at least she can protect herself. It’s just a bad situation all the way around, and on some levels I regret ever having reconnecting with Ken. Should I leave it alone…or disclose the affair to our spouses? I keep asking myself, would I want to know…if I was one of the loyal, unsuspecting spouses? The answer is YES! I would.
Leave it alone. I don’t quite know what it is, but something in the tone of your letter makes me think what you really want is for Ken to leave his wife and be with you. It sounds like you’re divorcing anyway, and you did use condoms with your husband, so what would be the point of telling him? It would relieve your conscience but it would hurt him terribly- it would be an extremely selfish thing to do.
As for his wife, leave them alone! You only suspect he cheats otherwise, but he never told you that, despite your close relationship? Sounds like you’re reaching for an excuse to tattle. And what do you mean by “he refuses to protect her health?” The information you have is that he had unprotected sex over a five year relationship, with a woman who’s only other partner was her husband, with whom she used condoms. The only “risk” in that scenario is the risk that you were lying. Were you lying? Many would say that’s too high a risk, but it’s hardly reckless. Again, unless you’re lying.
For all you know, IF he is also having random sex on work trips, he is using protection. You mention “anytime Ken and I had unprotected sex,” which sounds to me like other (or most) times, you did use protection. So basically, he does use condoms, but got a little lax sometimes with one woman in an extremely low risk situation. Health is just a red herring here.
All that said, let me drop a big truth bomb- if you tell her, she is NOT going to leave him. She isn’t. And if it happens to be some hugely rare occurrence that she did, he is DEFINITELY not going to throw himself into your arms. If he preferred you, he would’ve left by now, so obviously he deeply loves her, even if he surface level loves you. So no, keep your mouth shut. With your husband you would just be rubbing salt in the wound, with his wife you’ll just look jealous and crazy. Suck it up and take your guilt medicine.
Totally agree with this one.
Every year my wife kicks me out like clockwork. Then she begs me to come back and I’m convinced things will be better. For 8 years this went on. Well just recently I moved back in, we got a house, and I started noticing changes in her. She worked 15 hours a day; she wouldn’t have sex with me anymore until one night she never came home.
She is a doctor of mental health, addiction and marriage family therapist. She works at a halfway house for inmates. Many nights I heard windows slowly opening and closing. I thought I was losing my mind. Until one night (usually I would hear these noises 3:30-4:30 am) I heard a door slam in my bedroom where my wife was sleeping. I ran in there and my dog was growling at the wall. I took him outside and he chased something around the house. I thought it was a rabbit.
3 weeks ago my wife never came home. I was worried. She didn’t answer my text or calls. I activated the gps finder on her phone, it put her right in drugville! I ran to my jeep and went looking for her, couldn’t find her. The cops pulled me over and I explained the situation. They told me to go fill out a missing persons report if she doesn’t come home by 4 a.m. I went to fill out the report with my stepson and while I wrote I wept. The last time I saw my lovely wife it was on a bad note. I feared the worst. I blamed myself for not protecting her.
9 a.m. she came home like nothing happened. Fear turned to anger. I composed myself and said I just want to talk. I said where were you? She said she needed time to herself and get some sleep. I said bullcrap. Because you brought a change of clothes, that was premeditated. I left it alone for now, letting her talk to her son and call the police and her friends that were worried because I called them.
She told them all, oh he is just causing drama; I’m fine. My mouth dropped to the floor. I picked up her phone (which I never do) looked at her text and briefly saw something said bad about me. I walked up to her and asked who were you with last night? She yelled nobody, tried to snatch the phone violently from my hands and grabbed my shirt and ripped it. Stupid me, grabbed hers and ripped hers and said you don’t like it do you?
Well, she ran inside and screamed call the cops. I already was on the phone calling them because something was coming. I’d never seen her this way towards me. Cops came, I decided to go to a hotel, let us both cool off, like we always do. Next thing I know she gives me a tpo; I was shocked. I thought it was me. Maybe I need to be a better husband for my wife. I found out a week later that it was her intern that she was sleeping with. His address fell right into the gps area. I found his number and told him who I was and why my wife was there that night. He instantly blew up and violently threatened me. He gave himself up. I then took a chance and violated the tpo and emailed my wife saying I love her and if she is happy then just drop the tpo and let me go.
Her answer was: she called the cops and I was arrested. My wife has never, ever done this before. She knew I vowed to never have handcuffs and go to jail ever again. I have been good and out of trouble ever since we met. Now I remember one of the things that other guy said “I will have you locked up” amungst other threats! This was all planned.
My wife was my counselor in prison. That’s how we met. Now I’m moving forward with the charges of unethical grounds on both of them. But tonight I read about controling spouses and actually worked and talked to 2 of my workers I hired today and they knew my wife and the guy she cheated on me with because they are going to meetings that they hold for na and aa. They told me they saw them in a corner of one room and he was grabbing her arm and speaking in a demanding way.
I know my wife’s first marriage was a controlling marriage and she did whatever he wanted. I wanted my wife to soar and become everything she wanted. I am extremely intelligent, except when it comes to my wife. I put all the pieces together. The stalking, the control, the abuse (I noticed bruises on her arm a week before I was forced to leave), the progressive phone calls and text, the more we got to the date of me leaving the more there were.
I think he is in full control of her. She is doing whatever he tells her. I am scared for her, our grandauter and my stepson. When I went to my house with the police to get a minimal amount of belongings I felt a chill in there and so did the cops. She locked herself in the bedroom. After the police banged on the door for 2 minutes she opened it and the cop kicked the door open because I needed some belongings. My wife crawled against the wall going past us. I didn’t know this person or recognized her. I am worried but have a tpo against me. I cannot talk or approach her i will go to jail. He has done what he said and locked me up that time. I don’t want to be with her again because of the ultimate betrayal. But I made a vow to my wife and if she is in need of help I want to help. I AM IM A CONUNDRUM.
I just found out my wife of 38 years had an affair with three different men 34 years ago and I am losing my mind. She grew up hard; mother and father divorced when she was young, mother passed when she was ten and then lived with her drunk father. I came into her life and saw someone special and treated her that way. I have never cheated, hit or abused her in any way and she will tell you that. And I stayed with her through a brain aneurism 32 years ago, which was easy for someone you love, but. But now I feel like I have been made a fool of. She has looked me in the eye and lied.
I didn’t make it all the way through because this article is way off… All social contact is about getting needs met… if a man is cheating on his wife despite the fact she is a dutiful wife and their marriage appears to be perfect… it obviously isnt perfect. It shouldn’t take a licensed therapist to figure that out. If there are truly no other factors to the husband’s cheating other than he wanted to then he is a sociopath and there is probably something wrong with the wife that made her decide to hook up with a sociopath.
I’m in the process of deciding what I want to do. I have had an affair. My husband and I have a great marriage. We never fight. We attend church together. He is a great father. We deeply love each other. However, we’ve never been very sexual. If he wanted it, I complied. I never instigated sex. Ever. Our only issue is that he works nights. We don’t see much of each other Monday through Thursday. It has been this way for 20 years. We have been married almost 23 years.
I was in an abusive marriage before I met my current husband. I was forced to have sex in strange places and beaten when we argued. I left this marriage after only 3 months. We had been together a year. So when my current husband and I began dating, I liked the way he treated me: respectful, gentle, etc. I was his queen. He had never even dated anyone else. We were married exactly three months after our first date because he wanted to “wait” until he was married. We did not have sex until our wedding day.
As I said before, I never instigated sex. It was up to him if he wanted it. He, being the kind man that he is, never pursued me too hard because of what I had been through.
He gave me the life I always dreamed of. Two beautiful daughters. The opportunity to stay home and raise them. A nice home. Everything I wanted. Then three years ago he strongly encouraged me to go back to work full time. I did. At my job I met lots of new people. I started feeling more alive, more outgoing. My coworkers were/are very outspoken about sexual encounters, etc. I made jokes about a list of prospects if anything ever happened to my husband. I flirted a lot. But it was all just for fun. One of my flirtations and I actually talked about how much we loved our spouses and would never cheat. We are good friends. Nothing more.
Then in March I received an email from another of my flirtations. He asked if I was married. I said yes but that I was struggling with loneliness. He asked to see me one time. I agreed. We talked. He said he would not pursue me. And then I contacted him. We’ve been talking ever since. We have met outside of work. We spent one night together and my husband found out that night.
I thought that I was ready to end our marriage. But the pain it is causing my husband is too hard to bear. And now I have an emotional and physical connection to another man. Both are leaving it up to me to choose. I thought I was a good Christian woman devoted to my husband. How did I let this happen? How do I tell my family? My daughters? My husband has gone out of town for a few days so that I can decide. I can’t. I have cried. I have prayed. I haven’t gotten dressed since he left. I love them both. I need help.
Dear “Terrible”… You are not actually “terrible” –you have allowed yourself to get to a place of confusion and deception. You didn’t guard your heart and opened doors that ushered in deceiving spirits that have been playing with your emotions and reasoning. As a Christian, you can’t be possessed, but you can be influenced and voluntarily grab onto manipulating reasonings. When you started talking to this guy you cracked open a door. But when you contacted him and met outside of work, you swung that door wide open and exposed yourself full blast, as if you held up a sign that said to all the spiritual forces of evil, “come and get me… confuse me, mess with my mind and emotions… I’m yours to play with.” So the fact that you are confused, and torn in both two about what to do, is not surprising.
All of this would have been difficult for you for different reasons, but now that you fully opened your heart and body up to what you shouldn’t have, it will be more difficult to close those doors and steer things into a healthy direction. You need to close that door. Please know that I am not throwing stones at you. There isn’t a person alive who isn’t vulnerable (unless they’re brain dead) to falling. You fall, I fall, we all fall in different ways. How I wish it was different. We live in a fallen world and we allow it to influence us. But the question is what do we do after we fall? And how do we prevent the next fall? Do we stay down or maybe even get up to fall again, or do we get up (even if it is painful) and start running in the right direction, or the wrong one?
You have two choices here. The first is to choose your husband. You have a good man you are married to… you have daughters who love and are influenced by you –you are their model for living in many ways. You also made a vow. And you have a God who loves you, and cares very much that when we fall, we get up, look to Him and go in the right direction the next time. By leaving your family, by allowing your heart and actions to get further entangled with another man, you are breaking God’s heart, your husband’s heart, and your daughter’s hearts… plus all kinds of other innocent people will be dragged along behind you. I’ve seen this happen all too many times (and lived it when my dad left to go with another woman –abandoning 4 children and my mom… and also seeing my sister leave her marriage and do this to her family, breaking their hearts, and seeing my brother being left by his wife for another man, and living through the damage it caused to my niece, us, and so many others). It’s a horrible choice for a Christian, who is supposed to be a “follower of Christ” to choose the other person. Can you imagine Jesus doing this to his family, if He had one?
The second choice you can make is for this guy. I won’t even call him a man. He may be a nice guy in many ways –I get that, but no real man would let you leave your husband and children (I hope you wouldn’t drag them into this man’s home); for him to do that it shows he is selfish. You aren’t leaving an abusive husband. You would be leaving a husband who loves you and is willing to work on the issues that need it, and your family –a marriage and family situation that needs some work to help you to grow back together, but it isn’t deserving of being left permanently. For him to let you do this, shows he has some real character issues that are questionable. And trust me… any relationship that starts out based on a cheating situation with broken vows involved, will never be as good as it could be when love is pure and blessed by God. You would be stepping outside of God’s will. That is not a good place to be.
Will it be difficult to rebuild your marriage? Yes. Will it be difficult to turn your back on this guy and the feelings you have allowed yourself to build and grow bigger than life? Yes. Will it be difficult to walk the humble journey you would need to walk to allow your husband to heal? Yes. Will it be difficult to eventually build a sex life with your husband you should have before, and what you need to do this time? Yes. Will it be difficult to turn things around so you and your husband build not only a good life, but a great life together? Yes, yes, yes, yes!!! But is it impossible? Absolutely not. Can you turn back your memory so it isn’t tainted by the memories you will now have to battle? No. But you can build a very, very good life together with your husband and children, and make the memories distant ones. It will be so difficult, but it will be so worth it all, more than you ever could imagine.
I don’t usually “tell” people what to do. I suggest, and encourage, and such. But with all my heart, I’m telling you that if you choose this guy over your husband, you will live to regret it. This decision will be one of the hardest decisions you will ever make; it is a life changing one. Please, please go with God on this. There is NO WAY God would make you the exception to His rule of not dumping a spouse –one you have made a covenant vow to –one who is not abusive, one you have had a great marriage with, who is a great father, for a man who has cheated with you –one who hasn’t protected your honor or your marriage vows. Yes, you didn’t do those things either, but I’m just saying that this is the reality of who he is. You didn’t MAKE him talk to you in ways that crossed the boundaries; you didn’t MAKE him sleep with you –he could have said no to your advances, just like Joseph did in the Bible, if you are the one who made the advances. Go back to your vow. Choose your husband, and don’t look back. It will be extremely difficult, but it’s the right thing to do.
Now that you have opened the door, you will find it harder to close that door, but DO IT. Do what you have to do to throw him out to the curb, choose your husband –loving on him for the grace and forgiveness he is about to give you, and throw out every reminder of this guy –ones you have now and ones that will keep coming to mind as you break your addiction to him… and this IS an addiction. When a thought comes to mind of him, throw it out and put something else in it’s place that is “true, honorable, right, pure…” (following Philippians 4:8-9). Eventually, it will get easier. And invest, invest, invest in your marriage. Become a student of marriage and of your husband, learn what you need to so you become the wife that your husband and children need you to be and that God wants you to be, and you were born to be, and then learn what it takes to guard your heart, and of what it takes to break this addiction. This web site has a LOT of help for you on all of that, plus links to additional web sites to help you further.
You asked for help. The help I’m offering is to prompt you to go into a room where you can get on your face and pray, cry, and pray… asking God for forgiveness and help. And after you and God have had a good, long talk together, go in and wash your face, get dressed, and do as God shows you to do until your husband comes home. Repeat as often as needed. Then, when your husband comes home, fall on your knees, thank your husband for his grace, and give him your commitment that you will do everything you can to start building your life with him, and your daughters, and NO ONE ELSE!!!
Read through the articles on “Surviving Infidelity” and everything else the Lord shows you. There are books listed in the Links section that you may want to get, with one of them called “Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome” written by Nancy Anderson, that I recommend you read. You can only get it in Kindle, but if you can, try to. Nancy also committed adultery. She also had a good man. Eventually she made the choice to stay with her husband and rebuild their marriage (they didn’t have children). Her web site is listed among the links. She can be contacted at http://www.ronandnancyanderson.com. She is a GREAT gal, very wise.
I recommend you trying to contact her because she can give you advice first hand and perhaps help to walk you through this difficult journey. You need to learn how to release this guy, choose your husband, and build your marriage stronger forever. Do this because of your commitment, for your daughters, for you and your husband, and because it’s what God would want you to do. Please don’t deny Him or any of you by making the other choice. I pray strength for you and your husband. I pray God’s grace and help and guidance for you as you unravel this thing, and I pray for your husband –that he will keep extending grace and forgiveness and work with you on this journey back to a “wonderful marriage” as you described yours, but this time better than ever.
“And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ —to the glory and praise of God.” (Philippians 1:9-11) “May the Lord direct your heart into God’s love and Christ’s perseverance.” (2 Thessalonians 3:5)
Thank you!! I have been crying and praying for three days. I can’t eat or even dressed. I still have no feeling of peace towards a decision. But I’m listening and continuing to pray.
“Terrible”: That is some good advice from “Cindy”, I hope you listened to her. Your marriage sounds a lot like mine was, and she is right, it’s not easy; it’s really hard to turn away from the outside influences and turn back toward your home, husband and family. But it is SO worth it! I hope you are having success and still repairing your marriage.
If you want a chance at saving your marriage and a chance at reconciliation, there is one thing you must do immediately. That is to never contact the other man again. Never. Ever. For any reason. The only exception would be in sending a “No Contact” letter that your husband reads and approves before you send. No final good-byes. No last hugs or kisses. No have a nice life. No I will miss you’d. Nothing. Ever. Again. You made vows to your husband. Ending all contact forever is the first step in ending infidelity.
Hello Terrible wife, I cannot help but reply to your text, also to those of Jack and Cindy…as a husband married 36 years who had emotional affairs, those posts are in the MM site: https://marriagemissions.com/getting-unhooked-from-an-emotional-affair/)
I can only say that both Jack’s and Cindy’s texts are excellent and well worth your framing and hanging on your bathroom mirror! I am happy to say that I took Jack’s advice 14 months ago and I must say it has worked very well. This site has been of enormous help to me, and I am sure it will be also to you as you navigate the turbulent waters ahead. But you WILL come out into smooth and calm waters… you WILL!! if you take Cindy’s and Jack’s advice to the letter. I believe both were inspired by God…
Here below a website which should be very encouraging for you…also a wife who had a emotional and physical affair…but whose marriage is back on track… by the grace of God and her perseverence and honesty: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LQUMFYNe8sk
I imagine you have many people praying for you “Terrible wife.” One thing you should do is get rid of the label “Terrible.” You are not terrible. If you were truly “terrible,” you would never have come to this site, nor would you be having so much guilt and so many regrets right now. Stay the course and call out to God Who waits for you with open arms!!
WP (Work in Progress)
Thank you Jack!!! This has to be followed word for word or the cycle will continue….shut off all avenues or the issue will rear its ugly head with even more resolve and you may not be able to overcome the situation.