(Please note: This article is written from the angle of when “the wife has the affair.” But please know that we do realize there are many times when the husband is the unfaithful one. If this is true for you, please change the pronouns.)
Not Feeling Love
A husband and wife sit in our office beside each other on the sofa. She is pregnant with the other man’s child. “I don’t love my husband,” she tells us and part of me cringes.
How much does this betrayed husband have to endure? I wonder. He loves his wife, but is devastated because she’s been unfaithful.
Not only that, but she’s pregnant with another man’s child, and now he must hear the words, “I don’t love you.” Yet, there he sits, man of honor, willing to take responsibility for ways he may have failed her in the marriage, willing to work on himself, willing to work towards reconciliation.
I understand the wife FEELS she doesn’t love her husband, and I know pushing her to stay in her marriage is not the answer. Love must always be a choice. You cannot force the wife to love her husband.
The Betrayed Husband
In another situation, I am working with a betrayed husband. It has taken him months to reach out for help and support. He’s a 6’6” handsome bodybuilder with a successful career. He tells me he’s not normally one to talk much, nor to show emotion, and really not too aware of his emotions.
Yet he explains to me how the pain of his wife’s affair has overwhelmed him. He says it has caused him to feel emotions so intense that he didn’t know he was capable of feeling. At times he tells me he’s found himself huddled on the floor in the fetal position, feeling nearly unable to bear the emotional pain.
It’s hard. Normally high-functioning, moral, good people are finding themselves feeling, doing, and considering things they never thought they would or could.
When the Wife Has the Affair
When the wife has had the affair it is often more difficult to get her to give up her affair and to be willing to put effort into the marriage. She has already checked out.
A husband may have the ability to have feelings for more than one woman, whereas a woman tends to give her devotion to only one man, so when she has come to the point of engaging in an affair, she has generally withdrawn her affection from her husband and given it to the other man. Even if a husband cheats, and he has given a part of himself to another, his love generally remained steadfast for his wife. When the wife cheats she is more likely to have entertained thoughts of leaving her marriage for her affair partner.
Differing Approaches
The cheating wife has often gone to her husband, pre-affair, time and again wanting to “talk” about their relationship. She tells him how she’s hurting, and asks for what she needs. But she has not been able to get through to him. So she gives up trying, and shut down.
She feels she’s given him chance after chance, and now she thinks, “that’s it!” After the affair, she’s more reluctant to give him a chance to win her heart back. Wives in general tend to be more “relationally tuned in” than their husbands, and aware of a disconnection within the marriage. They are more likely to be the ones to make the effort to read books, go to counseling or marriage retreats. They may even engage their spouses into “let’s fix our marriage” conversations prior to the time of getting sucked into an affair.
If a man has been unhappy in the relationship, he is less likely to be direct in asking for help. He is not likely to say, “Honey, we need to talk about our relationship.” He is fearful of being vulnerable in this way.
Common Factors
Some of the factors we find common when the wife has been unfaithful include:
• The wife didn’t feel heard in the marriage.
• She didn’t feel understood.
• The wife felt the heart connection was missing.
• She lost herself in the marriage giving too much, and losing a sense of her own identity.
• Her husband was an absentee father.
• She felt a disparity in fairness in roles in the relationship.
If she has been a woman of faith, she may have felt frustrated that her husband wasn’t taking on the role of spiritual leader in the home. She’s tired of trying to be the “good” person in the relationship. She feels she has been carrying the responsibility for too many things for too long.
Stress Factors
Today’s wives are under more stress than ever, because they generally work full-time outside the home and still carry the responsibility for most of the work in maintaining home and children. Plus women do not carry stress in the same way men do. Studies have shown that they feel twice as much stress at work given the same job/stressors as a man.
When a man comes home he generally has the ability to relax. This is how he de-stresses from the day. A woman on the other hand comes home to a second job and her stress now multiplies four times. Her Cortisol level (the stress hormone) shoots through the roof. Even if her husband says “here relax, I’ll take care of the kids, make dinner and do those extra loads of laundry,” she’ll only relax for a couple of minutes. She will then think of more things that need to get done; and she will get up and start doing it. The wife cannot relax until the work is done. Today’s women are generally experiencing far too much stress.
Greener Grass Syndrome
Wives are more likely to struggle with “greener grass syndrome.” “If only my husband would learn how to ___________ like so and so’s husband.”
The unfaithful wife often is not honest. She tries to hide the other relationship, because she doesn’t want to get rid of it.
When a spouse cheats our society tends to assume there were problems in the marriage, which led to the affair. While marriages with problems are certainly more susceptible to affairs, problems in marriages are not the only reasons for affairs. AFFAIRS DO HAPPEN IN GOOD, STRONG MARRIAGES TOO.
“Reasons” Spouses Cheat
When a wife cheats it is more likely that the husband has failed her in the marriage in some way, than when the husband cheats. But when the husband cheats it is more likely nothing to do with his wife, or satisfaction in his marriage.
A betrayed husband is more likely to be concerned with counting the number of times the wife had sex in the affair. He thinks to himself, “I wonder good this other man was in bed.”
Whenever the woman is the betrayed spouse she is likely to be more concerned with thoughts of “you must have loved her if …”
When the Wife/Husband Cheats
When the wife cheats she is more likely to have had a strong emotional connection to the other man. It’s less likely that her affair was only for sex.
Whenever a husband cheats, while many times there is a strong emotional connection, there are also many times when the unfaithfulness was only about sex.
When a wife cheats she often gives sex to gain the emotional connection that is satisfying her.
Whenever a husband cheats he is more likely to give the emotional connection to gain the sex he wants with this person.
When it’s the wife who cheats she suffers a greater social stigma and rejection. Her girlfriends are not likely to admire or support her in anyway (unless they’re desperate housewives protégés.)
But when the husband cheats some of the men in his circle of influence may look up to him and envy him a bit. The man’s unfaithfulness is basically acceptable in some circles. This is not likely for the woman, so she suffers with a greater sense of quiet desperation.
There IS Hope
There is tremendous hope for couples where the wife has been unfaithful. This is especially so when the betrayed husband is serious about becoming the man he needs to be for his wife. The changes he makes stick, so now more than ever the wife can have the husband she always wanted with the man she married. The illusion that things will be better with the affair partner is exactly that, an illusion. In real life the other man comes with his own set of character flaws, and the loving courtship behaviors that are present in the secret relationship, don’t continue if the affair becomes a marriage.
What can a betrayed husband do who wants to win his wife’s heart?
1. Really love your wife. Read The Heart of the 5 Love Languages
2. Refrain from being vindictive. Don’t throw stones. This could cause her to continue to see you as a “jerk”. She has probably been struggling with these thoughts, even while she was caught up in the affair (and possibly before it).
3. Be consistent. Learn how to fight fair.
But it’s not fair you say. Yes, I know. There is nothing fair in affair.
Suggestions for the wife who has had an affair:
1. Recognize that generally your affair partner is not better than the one you’re with.
2. Create reassurance for your husband, and give him lots of encouragement.
3. Reach out for support for yourself from sound, safe sources. This journey is way too hard. Don’t make the mistake of thinking you can do it alone.
Conclusion:
What became of the couples referred to in the opening? The wife in the first scenario committed to putting her whole heart into the work we would guide her through for a 3-month period of time. If she felt like leaving after this we agreed she could. However, she agreed that she was not to entertain the thought of divorce during that time. By 3 months they had moved significantly forward. Her feelings of love for her husband were returning. And for that reason they decided to continue the work. They purchased a coaching package for one year, and attended 3 of our seminars. They had fallen in love again, and were well on their way to healing by the time her baby was born. The husband adopted the child as his own and they have a wonderful family and life together today.
Second Scenario
The husband in the second scenario moved forward quickly once he reached out for help. His wife had already ended her affair. She fully committed to do whatever it would take to heal the marriage. They attended a Healing From Affairs Intensive after 4 months of coaching.
When they came to the Healing Intensive seminar it was a last ditch effort for them. The husband just didn’t see how he could continue to live with the pain he’d been feeling. The weekend became their turn around point. They set aside weekly time after that to work through all the materials we provided them with. Then they took their marriage to a whole new level at the Love & Passion weekend five months later. Today, they are stronger than ever, and helping others in their marriages.
You CAN Do It.
We’ve helped many couples; these are just two brief examples of them. If they can do it so can you. Don’t delay reaching out for help. Don’t go through this pain any longer than you absolutely have to. Nothing can do more for your wealth, health, children, career success and overall happiness than not only healing your marriage, but also making it a passionate one. We know the way. We’ll show you how. We guarantee it. What is getting from miserable to happy worth to you?
Anne and Brian Bercht, who are both affair recovery specialists, wrote this article. Anne has also written of the book, “My Husband’s Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me.” Together they have appeared on television programs throughout North America. Anne is the Director of the International Beyond Affairs Network. They have both a Canadian and a U.S. office. You can visit their web site at Beyondaffairs.com.
Filed under: Surviving Infidelity
My wife and I are also going through a pretty rough patch in out marriage. We have been together for 18 years, married for 12. Six years ago, she was having an emotional affair and I caught her in the act of trying to plan a getaway with him. She was very apologetic and we agreed that she would cut ties with him and work on our marriage.
Just last month, I found out that she was having conversations with the same guy again for the past 3 months and this time, she told me she wants to leave. She said that our relationship has not been the same since the first incident. I have been hearing her out and listening to what she is looking for to repair our marriage. We have 2 daughters together and I love my wife and do not want to break up our family. I have tried repeatedly to get through to her but she says that she’s changed and isn’t the same. She has love for me and also for the other man. I am not sure what I should do?
Well bro, your family comes 1st. I don’t know their ages, however you are the strong one. The lies are no good; I grew up on the farm and when I left my Dad said, “do me one favor, be honest.” I carry this statement with me You Never Have To Rehearse The Truth. So, I would listen to your girls; look in the mirror and get yourself a plan, your plan not an emotional plan around your wife. Senior Bro
Congratulations for blaming the husband. This exactly why very few men have anything to do with counsellors. How can they ask a professional who thinks it is all his fault? She had the affair so yes, it is 100% her fault. It is the man usually who is forgiving of adultery, wives rarely do. Though this is changing as more men stand up for themselves in family courts and no longer take blame for her actions.
What happens when a wife is a serial cheater? Basically she loves attention from other men and easily succumbs to their charms. At home, she is the perfect wife and mother who constantly tells her husband he’s the world to her. But there is very little to no sex in the marriage. Less than 8 times a year; wife blames her lack of libido on health issues. Husband loves wife to bits and is supportive of her, learns to live without sex somehow. Only gratification comes from pleasuring himself every other day or so and has never cheated on her despite this. Husband and wife show affection in other ways, she buys him constant gifts as does he for her, regular weekends and holidays away, long conversations daily; marriage is great apart from no lovemaking.
Husband lives like this anyway because he loves his wife deeply. She is his everything. But there is a nagging feeling in husband’s gut. He hires private investigator. Finds out about wife having affairs with a colleague and someone else she met at the gym. And these affairs include much sex. Confronts wife and she confesses. Wife still proclaims her undying love for him and just ‘does not know why she is doing this.’ But that’s not all. Turns out wife has had a string of other affairs throughout their 11 years of marriage. You see, wife is very attractive and men are constantly hitting on her. She has a high paying job which includes lots of travel and days away. So opportunities were endless. Husband is a mess. Husband is shattered. This is not a story, this is my life.
Gav, I hate to tell you this but most likely your wife has a serious sexual addiction issue that can only be overcome through professional help. She has learned how to “play” you so she can work both sides of the street, so to speak. One HUGE problem for you is that with all of the sexual partners she has had you have no idea if she has brought a sexual disease into your bed. And even if you’re intimate only 8 times per year, that still puts you at high risk. One of the first things you need to insist on is for her (and you) to get tested.
This addiction she has is more powerful than any “drug addiction” and can take years of therapy before it can be overcome. She most likely is telling you the truth when she says she doesn’t know why she is doing this. That’s part of the addiction cycle. There is an organization in your country that we have tremendous respect for: Focus On The Family – South Africa. They would be the place we highly recommend you start searching for help for your wife. Their web site is https://www.safamily.co.za.
Whatever you do don’t let her try to “fool/convince” you that she can deal with this by herself. We’ve never heard of a single case that this is true. It is going to be very hard. Get as much information as you can on sexual addiction before you talk with her and have resources ready to hand to her to show how/where she can get help. And be ready to STAND FIRM that she MUST get help. Because of the way you have expressed your deep love and commitment to your wife and the fact your first response wasn’t to “throw her out,” with God’s help YOU CAN GET THROUGH THIS – Both of you. Praying for victory for you and your wife, Gav. Blessings! ~Steve Wright
Okay, here it is… You will never be enough for your wife, I don’t mean this as a form of disrespect because in truth no one man will ever be enough. You are the steady guy to keep up appearances because women do not want their reputation to be ruined. Everything is like an accessory. Woman accessorize, men prioritize. She will never pick just you because very attractive woman don’t ever settle with one particular thing because of the vast amount of options that are presented to them.
Please let me state the following is not a fact it is a thought based off her behavior patterns and the opinions of several different Christian counselors that have stated that house calls in this situation would not be advisable. I fully admit that I placed her in a place of feeling unwanted and I asked for forgiveness. My ex I think might have become involved with our marriage counselor. I do not know when, pre or post divorce, all I know is that the Christian biblical counselor is now making house calls for counseling 9 months after our divorce. Making these house calls when the kids are with me on the weekend.
I’m afraid she was manipulated by the counselor for counseling to fail and he encouraged her that I would not change. I am also worried about what this counselor would have said about my interaction with my children, meaning has he told her beware your ex will try to convince you using the kids to reconcile. This has not been the case on my part. I have gone through changes and I do admit the failure of the marriage was on me. But how do I stop this if this is happening? If they are having a relationship how do I do put an end to end since we are no longer married?
I would not make an attempt at this if I did not worry about the kids and also really feel that she has been manipulated and her heart really might have wanted to give it another chance. We were married for 17 years and never separated. Please help me and pray for this to come to light, what ever is happening and Gods will be done. What can be done? I do realize that this is really between her and Christ and all I know to do is pray for healing.
Al, I’m so sorry that you are going through this with your wife. This has got to be difficult you and for your children too. Al, I’m not really sure what you can do about this situation with this counselor. It sure sounds suspicious. House calls, really? But you could make things worse if you voice your suspicions and work to do something about them (although I’m not sure how, except maybe to drive your wife to look more favorably towards her counselor and less favorably towards you). I recommend that you contact the ministry of Focus on the Family at Focusonthefamily.com. They have counselors on staff that may be able to give you a quick answer on this. I’m really not sure if it would be wise to expose your suspicions or not. But they might be able to give you some wisdom on this. Please go to their web site and look for their contact info. I’ve heard good things about their counselors. I hope they can help you.
Yeah, I’ve spoken to them and everyone I have talked to seems to agree that it is something you would not expect from a minister and a licensed counselor. I did ask her about it and she did respond, but the response was 5 hours later. The response was yes she has been receiving a few sessions on the weekend due to a busy weekday schedule. Even then, lets put it this way, the car has been over there enough for my neighbor to ask if she had family in town. I realize the emotional distance I created and take responsibility. At the same time I am still willing to do anything to restore the marriage; it seems really to depend on her letting God work in her heart and seeing over time if this is a relationship that will fade away, and will she realize what has taken place and call it off.
The man is married and has children. With all that being said there is no factual evidence that it is a relationship. I have just been told by other counselors that it should not be taking place at the residence of a recently divorced woman. Question is how long do I wait to see if it is cut off? I do worry about the manipulation that would be taking place and the mind games this counselor would be using to guide her in limiting me in seeing my kids. Would he be telling her that I will try and use the kids as a way back or is he telling her I will not change and selling her on those concepts? It’s really out of my control and I ask for prayers
You have justified the woman’s actions for cheating so many times in this article it’s incredible. I understand why MGTOW is becoming more and more prevalent.
I see a complete bias here. There is always a reason behind a cheating wife but not a cheating husband. I can’t buy that given what I have been through the past two years.
Amen to that!
My wife and I have been together for the last 4 years. We have 2 kids. One is 3 years and the second kid is just 6 months. After giving birth to the second kid, she left me for another man when the baby was just 3 weeks old. Its now 6 months since she left. The pain I am going through goes up to the bones. I miss my kids, especially the youngest whom I last saw when it was 3 weeks old.
Now she calls on phone and says she is sorry and she wants to come back to me. She is still staying with another man. I no longer feel self worthiness among friends. I feel I love her and need her so much, but whenever the thoughts of another man that she is staying with pop in, I always feel tormented. Advise me.
Duncan,
Forgive your wife. Ask her how much she`s willing to restore your marriage.
God bless you all.
Thank you Frank… and may God bless you as you look to Him and live for Him.
I am 35 male, and my wife is 34 and here is my story in short: I caught my wife in an affair which I know that she was in emotionally to the bone, though never truly gained facts of any physical action between them, but found common pictures for both of them in the same places at the same date during her travel. She denies it totally even swore on the Bible and our kids life that nothing happened and that she is the one who ended the affair when it started to get out of hand, but she had him in her phone as a girl’s name, and claimed it is his sister’s number. So many things I uncovered but all are circumstantial, without any definitive truth, she wiped her phones clean after our first confrontation, and until now didn’t give me access to her online accounts although I hacked them before hand and gathered what I could.
Now I am trying to work through this but she is reluctant; keeps going out late with her friends, and even still hides a lot of truth about her outings like not telling me where, only the name of the friend she is going out with. I know she is lying because I am tracking her day and night, all her online conversations are being deleted as soon as they are received, and she is not giving me access to her online profiles, although she promised to do that. She claims that she forgot her password after changing it and she is too busy to forget my password and get them back.
She is trying to force our life back into what we had before which was an ultimate trust from my side, I let her do whatever she wanted after our second child last year and for a full year as well as freedom of everyday outings until late night, because I felt guilty of how she was trapped when we had our first child, which I think facilitated all what happened.
I am now acting so differently with her, she doesn’t get it yet how much she hurt me, and the deception she did; she thinks if she gave me a hug that all will be back to normal (it used to work in the past), but still I cannot believe her. My trust for her is broken totally; I tried everything to make her wake up and face the situation if she wants to save this family, but she is still trying to force her lifestyle on me, claiming that her personality has changed, which I know it had. She is now so focused on her looks and how people see her, she stopped putting any picture of us together for the past year, and she wants her freedom to do whatever she wants. She keeps telling me that she is not doing anything wrong like leaving your husband every night until midnight alone at the house and so is not wrong, like hiding the truth is not wrong, what she thinks is wrong is if she slept with someone else.
I felt neglected since our first child was born, but accepted it since he took my place, but now I feel neglected because she is selfish and I don’t feel she loves me anymore, been feeling that for a while now. A couple of days ago she was out with her girlfriend supposedly and came home a little tipsy and ran to me and hugged me, although tracking her should that she did some bar hopping and then went to place where no one I know lived in for 30 min.
I have no clue what to do anymore, I even had her father talk to her, threatened with divorce, did all what is possible, now I told her she is free and that I will no longer keep pushing; I am done. I don’t want controlled love or relationship, I want free will from her, if she comes back I am fine; if she doesn’t then I will file for a divorce. I already have all I need to separate from her; she taught me how to be a single dad for a whole year, and I have enough evidence to take custody of my kids fully. I just don’t want to go there because even after all this I still love her deeply, although lately I am falling out of that love because her lack of remorse and action toward our marriage.
Even she is rejecting me in bed, totally now; in our marriage sex wasn’t her top points, I never felt passion from her about it; it is just out of her mind, and only lately that I discovered this affair. We have been married for the past 8 years and sex was like making love to a cold steak, she had a very low libido, and just kept claiming that it is not something of her priorities or something that she needs, she was raised that sex is something against God’s teaching and that it is naughty.
And not until last year she had this affair, she was always honest before, and told me about everything, even she had a guy friend and she introduced me to him and we became friends as well, never hid anything until last year right after our second child was born. I discovered a bit of flirting with other guys over the past 3 years, but nothing serious or major.
So now I am taking her with me on my business trip to china because I cannot trust her to stay alone here. One of my friends is pushing to reconcile this marriage and that there is still hope; another friend is telling me to just cut it short and divorce, both have valid arguments, especially that she is not changing. So, after reading my story what do you think I should do??
EH, I wish I could tell you that it will be easy to repair your broken relationship with your wife. It won’t. But I can also tell you that at this time don’t think of divorce as an option. If you keep that at the forefront of your mind you will use it as a “fire escape.” Your marriage is worth fighting for, especially because you have no evidence of a physical affair. Your one friend’s advice to “cut it short and divorce” is the worst possible advice. No divorce in history has ever been able to cut it short without a future of regret and pain. That’s because you’ll be dragging around pieces of that divorce and the children will be hurt for the rest of their lives. People who say children are resilient when it comes to their parents’ divorce have never interviewed kids who have grown up as a “child of divorce.” Almost without exception every one will tell you “my life changed forever when my parents divorced.” It’s the most selfish thing a person can do when they are having problems in their marriage.
Now, I won’t kid you; for whatever reason your wife thinks she can play with fire by having these emotional trysts with other men (co-workers, friends, etc.) and there will be no consequences. It’s probably feeding her ego or some other emotional need she has. But in nearly 100% of the cases where men and women engage in these kinds of affairs they end up at some point in bed; and in many cases, as a result the woman becomes pregnant with the “other man’s” child. We see this over and over again in our ministry.
I can only speculate here, but I’m guessing you never set any boundaries early in your marriage (i.e. what’s okay, what’s not okay). It doesn’t matter how good or bad a couple is getting along at any given time, one absolute boundary is to never have emotional contact with a member of the opposite sex. That includes flirting or hanging out with men as “friends” without their spouse present. That’s just a sample of boundaries, or what we call marital hedges. Another thing every couple should agree to is to be allowed access to each other’s phones, tablets, computers. If you have nothing to hide then this should be easy to say, “yes” to. Anyone who balks at this idea most likely has a lot to hide.
Here are a few articles on our web site you can read: Hedges: Loving Your Marriage Enough to Protect it; Marital Relationship Killers; Guarding Your Hearts; Denying An Affair Could Ever Happen and The High Price of Emotional Infidelity. Just enter those titles in the search box on the home page and the article will come up for you.
Because of where you live I’m not sure what kind of access you have to marriage counseling, but there needs to some kind of intervention with your wife in order for her to realize just how much this is hurting you and her children and her behavior is just not acceptable in a healthy marriage. There also needs to be some help for her if she feels sex is dirty. Trust me, sex is not against God’s teaching. Have her read the Song of Solomon in the Old Testament.
EH, because you have allowed her to be able to get away with these things for more than three years it will be hard to rein her in from this destructive behavior. For you, you may also want to go into our For Married Men section and read some articles about what wives need from their husbands in order to feel really loved. There are also tons of articles your wife could read on our web site if the were to become serious about becoming the kind of wife you really need, too.
You didn’t say anything about your faith, but I can tell you from personal experience, the first and BEST thing you should do as a couple is to get on your knees together and confess your sins to God and ask Him to come into your lives and help you build the kind of marriage He has designed for you. That’s what Cindy and I did 43 years ago and it was the best decision we ever made – He healed the brokenness in our marriage, restored and grew our love – to the point today we have this marriage ministry that allows us to be able to share with people like you all over the world who come looking for help.
I hope something I’ve shared resonates with you and motivates you to make some good decisions about your future. Blessings! -Steve Wright
My wife is having an affair with a guy 10 years younger than her. She has been seeing him for about 5 years now. I found out about a year ago and started checking some things out and watching her actions closer. Then is when I found out it had been going on for that length of time. I believe she is in limerence second stage, from what I am seeing. They are looking at getting married and looking for a honeymoon location now. She still lives at home, but is very sneaky. She doesn’t communicate with me and finds everything I say and do wrong or with fault.
We have been married 30 plus years with no communication. I can’t find out what the problem is or what started this. They work in the same plant, but different parts. Only time she tries to be nice to me is after she sees him. And it’s only for a very short time and then it’s back to being hateful with me again. I am lost and don’t know what to do anymore. I love her to death! I don’t want our marriage to end. We are both Christians, go to church and I talk and pray to God every day! I don’t see any help or guidance right now. And she seems to be getting more and more distant. Can you give me some help and show me signs that God is still with me? Thank you.
Rick, You need to get a backbone. You are being taken advantage of and are being totally treated disrespectfully. Your wife will naturally act more and more distant as long as she is able to “see” another man outside of your marriage, and watch you turn the other way. She is disrespecting you more and more every time she cheats on you. And you are enabling her by not demanding more of your marriage relationship.
A couple doesn’t marry to date others… at least they are not supposed to. She is breaking covenant with you one unfaithful choice at a time. She is also not acting “Christian.” Can you imagine Christ treating His bride this way? He is our example of how we are to treat our spouse. God hates unfaithfulness. She needs to recognize this. If she wants to talk the talk at church, then she needs to walk the walk and be faithful when others are looking and when they are not. We don’t “play” Christian… we walk it… one faith-walking, Christ-honoring step at a time.
Rick, as long as you enable this behavior, you don’t have ANY chance of getting back on the same page with her again. She will lose more and more respect for you every time you bend and look the other way. I know you don’t want to read this. I sure wouldn’t either. I don’t want to say this. But those are the facts. There are times when love must be tough. And by drawing a line in the sand and telling her that you cannot allow her to push you farther and farther into the background as she spends time with this other guy. You have more of a chance of getting her respect and getting your marriage back on track again if you do this than you do if you enable her to keep cheating on you while she is still married to you. She needs to see you and treat you as a man, not a rug to step on. Truly, I hope and pray the best for you and your wife and pray she will wake up. But it won’t happen this way. I’ve seen this pattern played out too many times. Fight for your marriage… don’t cower in submission to your wife’s behavior that is wrong. Stand up and make a stand. Prayerfully, it will make a positive difference.
Rick, You’ve been in my prayers since I first read your post yesterday especially because I was in a very similar situation in my first marriage, many years ago. My wife became involved with a guy she worked with, and it all happened right under my nose. We were all just good friends, and then their friendship turned into more. It was difficult because I didn’t want to lose her, but through my calm behavior, I think that she got the impression that I didn’t care enough about her to fight for her. We were both quite involved in church at the time, but I didn’t realize that I wasn’t yet saved. And I’m pretty sure that she also wasn’t saved at the time.
Over time, she moved out (unexpectedly, without any notice), we divorced, and she married him. I have pondered, many times over the years, what I would have done differently. The challenge is this: God needed to change her heart. So how could I, as her husband, have encouraged that change to happen? If I were in that situation again, I believe that the Lord would have me do these things to open space for the Holy Spirit to work on my wife: 1) Tell her that I love her. 2) Ask her forgiveness for my part in contributing to the struggles in our marriage and her frustrations. 3) Remind her of our wedding day and the vows that we made before God, our families, and our friends. 4) Remind her that satan is always working within marriages to destroy them, and that is exactly what he is doing in our marriage right now. 5) Remind her that God’s character and promises are to heal and restore and bring abundant life, and He desires to heal and restore and bring new life to our marriage, if we will let Him. 6) Remind her that God promises more for our marriage than we have yet experienced, and if we will trust Him, He will be faithful to deliver to us a restored relationship that is better than we have ever imagined. 7) So, we have a choice: Do we want to continue to let satan work his destruction between us? Or do we want to trust in the Lord for healing and restoration and abundant life?
I would close the conversation with the thought that our God loves each of us more than we can even begin to imagine. I would ask her to be in prayer every day over what to do with our marriage. And I would ask her to set a time in a week to get back together and share what the Lord has been telling each of us in answer to our prayers.
Rick, You can rest confidently on the rock solid truth that God wants to heal and restore your marriage! Trust in Him boldly, with all of your heart! Be in prayer and reading the Word daily and rest on God’s promises. Follow the leading of the Spirit. Share your heart with your wife and share what the Lord is teaching you. And know that there are many here who are praying for you and your wife and your marriage… and we will continue to pray!
WOW, M! I agree with the things that you told Rick. There is nothing like experience mixed with prayer for God’s wisdom to address a situation in the soundest of ways. I can see that God has taught you many thing–things that can help Rick and others. Thank you for sharing this. I pray that Rick takes this advice seriously and prayerfully. The way that things are going now will eventually explode into divorce, no doubt. With this… there is at least more of a chance that she will listen to God and to her husband. … Again, Rick, please know that many are praying for you and your wife.
You seem to generalize yet bundle all men and women and their reasons for breaking the promises made before God when they became as one, and to pretty much make it sound as a woman has reason to break those promises. ALL people have a choice, and they obviously chose wrong when they break the bonds of matrimony. There is absolutely NO excuse for it. There can be forgiveness if there is true repentance, but absolutely no excuse, and that seems to be exactly what you are making. It is by no means one sided, but sometimes people cheat for the simple fact that they lack in morals, have a sexual addiction, or just plain out do not take their vows as seriously as people should.
Excellent and insightful article. It is sad to read some comments by men who misread the author to be excusing women. Rather, he offers EXPLANATIONS for motivations by men and women. It is spot on, from my experience as a woman and from the couples I know where the man had an affair. If they ever do step outside matrimonial bonds it is usually for different reasons. I felt like the author read my heart. While there is never an excuse for sinful behavior, thank our merciful God there is some explaining or searching for meaning behind it, especially when speaking of otherwise people (men and women) of good will toward others.
I stopped mine after it became physical, even though I loved (thought) him, but I was absolutely looking for a connection that had been missing for years and my husband would not entertain the discussion of something being wrong with our relationship.
Hello. I just found out my wife was having an affair with a guy she barely met this month. She had left our home because she said she was tired of fighting with me. Later did I find out another man was in the picture and she confessed to me they had kissed and guy gave her money and made hickeys close to her breast. I forgave her because I’ve done worse things to her, but not to the point to where another women touched me. I’ve only been unfaithful texting ex; got fired from work for messing with a coworker, sending a nude of myself to another female. My wife recently came back home but says she is unhappy; she is always on me about my past what do I do or what can I tell her? I don’t know what to say or do anymore, please help😢
Ray, this may not be what you want to hear, but it is nonetheless the best suggestion I can give you. You both need to take marriage classes on how to communicate effectively, resolve conflict, and learn what the other needs in the marriage and then work the rest of your lives to meet each other’s needs and not try to just get your own needs satisfied. There is no easy fix for this. You’ve both dug deep holes of broken trust that will note be easy to climb out of it. Your marriage can be healed but it will require a commitment by both of you to forgive the other for their sins of unfaithfulness and then start building a new foundation for a good (not perfect) marriage. We have a lot of articles on our web site for both husbands and wives in the FOR MARRIED MEN and FOR MARRIED WOMEN sections to start teaching the principles to rebuild a broken marriage.
And if you and/or your wife do not have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, that is the place to begin rebuilding. Cindy and I have been married almost 46 years. 44 years ago we were on the verge of divorce. Had we not surrendered our lives to Christ and started building our marriage on the foundations of God I wouldn’t be here to respond to your post – there would be no Marriage Missions. I pray this helps you. ~Steve Wright
My husband is having an extra marital affair with his colleague. How can I save our 5 year old marriage? Please help
From your advice forgiveness is the only way foward for couples undergoing relationship breakdown. Forgiveness is a decision to overlook an offense and move on. Its also a command from the Bible (Matt 6:12). But what happens when offender fails to own up or confess his/her mistake?. What if the same offense is repeated?. We forgive them? Matt 18:21-22. But lets not overlook the fact that we are still human beings. In reality we convince ourselves we have forgiven, but we simply can’t let go. The result will be a stressful marriage.
The painful part of the story is that while you are doing your best to please God and live with the past hurts the very person you care about will hurt and subject you to the same pain deliberately. This leads me to Prov 21:19. Why can’t you just forgive, forget, and quit. I believe although problems are normal in marrieges adultery is the climax since it breaks down marriage completely. My take is that every thing happens for good to those who trust in God. This therefore means that there are high chances that God’s intentions are to prepare you for a better, happy and sucessful life no matter what the cost might be. Consider this: Jeremiah 29:11. Also think abut Prov 19:14. Gifts from God are perfect; wait for Him.
I stopped reading after what a betrayed husband can do to win his wife’s heart. Sorry, but that made me throw up in my mouth.