(Please note: This article is written from the angle of when “the wife has the affair.” But please know that we do realize there are many times when the husband is the unfaithful one. If this is true for you, please change the pronouns.)
Not Feeling Love
A husband and wife sit in our office beside each other on the sofa. She is pregnant with the other man’s child. “I don’t love my husband,” she tells us and part of me cringes.
How much does this betrayed husband have to endure? I wonder. He loves his wife, but is devastated because she’s been unfaithful.
Not only that, but she’s pregnant with another man’s child, and now he must hear the words, “I don’t love you.” Yet, there he sits, man of honor, willing to take responsibility for ways he may have failed her in the marriage, willing to work on himself, willing to work towards reconciliation.
I understand the wife FEELS she doesn’t love her husband, and I know pushing her to stay in her marriage is not the answer. Love must always be a choice. You cannot force the wife to love her husband.
The Betrayed Husband
In another situation, I am working with a betrayed husband. It has taken him months to reach out for help and support. He’s a 6’6” handsome bodybuilder with a successful career. He tells me he’s not normally one to talk much, nor to show emotion, and really not too aware of his emotions.
Yet he explains to me how the pain of his wife’s affair has overwhelmed him. He says it has caused him to feel emotions so intense that he didn’t know he was capable of feeling. At times he tells me he’s found himself huddled on the floor in the fetal position, feeling nearly unable to bear the emotional pain.
It’s hard. Normally high-functioning, moral, good people are finding themselves feeling, doing, and considering things they never thought they would or could.
When the Wife Has the Affair
When the wife has had the affair it is often more difficult to get her to give up her affair and to be willing to put effort into the marriage. She has already checked out.
A husband may have the ability to have feelings for more than one woman, whereas a woman tends to give her devotion to only one man, so when she has come to the point of engaging in an affair, she has generally withdrawn her affection from her husband and given it to the other man. Even if a husband cheats, and he has given a part of himself to another, his love generally remained steadfast for his wife. When the wife cheats she is more likely to have entertained thoughts of leaving her marriage for her affair partner.
Differing Approaches
The cheating wife has often gone to her husband, pre-affair, time and again wanting to “talk” about their relationship. She tells him how she’s hurting, and asks for what she needs. But she has not been able to get through to him. So she gives up trying, and shut down.
She feels she’s given him chance after chance, and now she thinks, “that’s it!” After the affair, she’s more reluctant to give him a chance to win her heart back. Wives in general tend to be more “relationally tuned in” than their husbands, and aware of a disconnection within the marriage. They are more likely to be the ones to make the effort to read books, go to counseling or marriage retreats. They may even engage their spouses into “let’s fix our marriage” conversations prior to the time of getting sucked into an affair.
If a man has been unhappy in the relationship, he is less likely to be direct in asking for help. He is not likely to say, “Honey, we need to talk about our relationship.” He is fearful of being vulnerable in this way.
Common Factors
Some of the factors we find common when the wife has been unfaithful include:
• The wife didn’t feel heard in the marriage.
• She didn’t feel understood.
• The wife felt the heart connection was missing.
• She lost herself in the marriage giving too much, and losing a sense of her own identity.
• Her husband was an absentee father.
• She felt a disparity in fairness in roles in the relationship.
If she has been a woman of faith, she may have felt frustrated that her husband wasn’t taking on the role of spiritual leader in the home. She’s tired of trying to be the “good” person in the relationship. She feels she has been carrying the responsibility for too many things for too long.
Stress Factors
Today’s wives are under more stress than ever, because they generally work full-time outside the home and still carry the responsibility for most of the work in maintaining home and children. Plus women do not carry stress in the same way men do. Studies have shown that they feel twice as much stress at work given the same job/stressors as a man.
When a man comes home he generally has the ability to relax. This is how he de-stresses from the day. A woman on the other hand comes home to a second job and her stress now multiplies four times. Her Cortisol level (the stress hormone) shoots through the roof. Even if her husband says “here relax, I’ll take care of the kids, make dinner and do those extra loads of laundry,” she’ll only relax for a couple of minutes. She will then think of more things that need to get done; and she will get up and start doing it. The wife cannot relax until the work is done. Today’s women are generally experiencing far too much stress.
Greener Grass Syndrome
Wives are more likely to struggle with “greener grass syndrome.” “If only my husband would learn how to ___________ like so and so’s husband.”
The unfaithful wife often is not honest. She tries to hide the other relationship, because she doesn’t want to get rid of it.
When a spouse cheats our society tends to assume there were problems in the marriage, which led to the affair. While marriages with problems are certainly more susceptible to affairs, problems in marriages are not the only reasons for affairs. AFFAIRS DO HAPPEN IN GOOD, STRONG MARRIAGES TOO.
“Reasons” Spouses Cheat
When a wife cheats it is more likely that the husband has failed her in the marriage in some way, than when the husband cheats. But when the husband cheats it is more likely nothing to do with his wife, or satisfaction in his marriage.
A betrayed husband is more likely to be concerned with counting the number of times the wife had sex in the affair. He thinks to himself, “I wonder good this other man was in bed.”
Whenever the woman is the betrayed spouse she is likely to be more concerned with thoughts of “you must have loved her if …”
When the Wife/Husband Cheats
When the wife cheats she is more likely to have had a strong emotional connection to the other man. It’s less likely that her affair was only for sex.
Whenever a husband cheats, while many times there is a strong emotional connection, there are also many times when the unfaithfulness was only about sex.
When a wife cheats she often gives sex to gain the emotional connection that is satisfying her.
Whenever a husband cheats he is more likely to give the emotional connection to gain the sex he wants with this person.
When it’s the wife who cheats she suffers a greater social stigma and rejection. Her girlfriends are not likely to admire or support her in anyway (unless they’re desperate housewives protégés.)
But when the husband cheats some of the men in his circle of influence may look up to him and envy him a bit. The man’s unfaithfulness is basically acceptable in some circles. This is not likely for the woman, so she suffers with a greater sense of quiet desperation.
There IS Hope
There is tremendous hope for couples where the wife has been unfaithful. This is especially so when the betrayed husband is serious about becoming the man he needs to be for his wife. The changes he makes stick, so now more than ever the wife can have the husband she always wanted with the man she married. The illusion that things will be better with the affair partner is exactly that, an illusion. In real life the other man comes with his own set of character flaws, and the loving courtship behaviors that are present in the secret relationship, don’t continue if the affair becomes a marriage.
What can a betrayed husband do who wants to win his wife’s heart?
1. Really love your wife. Read The Heart of the 5 Love Languages
2. Refrain from being vindictive. Don’t throw stones. This could cause her to continue to see you as a “jerk”. She has probably been struggling with these thoughts, even while she was caught up in the affair (and possibly before it).
3. Be consistent. Learn how to fight fair.
But it’s not fair you say. Yes, I know. There is nothing fair in affair.
Suggestions for the wife who has had an affair:
1. Recognize that generally your affair partner is not better than the one you’re with.
2. Create reassurance for your husband, and give him lots of encouragement.
3. Reach out for support for yourself from sound, safe sources. This journey is way too hard. Don’t make the mistake of thinking you can do it alone.
Conclusion:
What became of the couples referred to in the opening? The wife in the first scenario committed to putting her whole heart into the work we would guide her through for a 3-month period of time. If she felt like leaving after this we agreed she could. However, she agreed that she was not to entertain the thought of divorce during that time. By 3 months they had moved significantly forward. Her feelings of love for her husband were returning. And for that reason they decided to continue the work. They purchased a coaching package for one year, and attended 3 of our seminars. They had fallen in love again, and were well on their way to healing by the time her baby was born. The husband adopted the child as his own and they have a wonderful family and life together today.
Second Scenario
The husband in the second scenario moved forward quickly once he reached out for help. His wife had already ended her affair. She fully committed to do whatever it would take to heal the marriage. They attended a Healing From Affairs Intensive after 4 months of coaching.
When they came to the Healing Intensive seminar it was a last ditch effort for them. The husband just didn’t see how he could continue to live with the pain he’d been feeling. The weekend became their turn around point. They set aside weekly time after that to work through all the materials we provided them with. Then they took their marriage to a whole new level at the Love & Passion weekend five months later. Today, they are stronger than ever, and helping others in their marriages.
You CAN Do It.
We’ve helped many couples; these are just two brief examples of them. If they can do it so can you. Don’t delay reaching out for help. Don’t go through this pain any longer than you absolutely have to. Nothing can do more for your wealth, health, children, career success and overall happiness than not only healing your marriage, but also making it a passionate one. We know the way. We’ll show you how. We guarantee it. What is getting from miserable to happy worth to you?
Anne and Brian Bercht, who are both affair recovery specialists, wrote this article. Anne has also written of the book, “My Husband’s Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me.” Together they have appeared on television programs throughout North America. Anne is the Director of the International Beyond Affairs Network. They have both a Canadian and a U.S. office. You can visit their web site at Beyondaffairs.com.
Filed under: Surviving Infidelity
My wife and I have been married for 21 years as of May. She has been in an affair for going on three years. I found out about 2.5 years ago as she was disappearing when I would work nights (still does when she is home) which led me to do some of my own detective work. She tells me at times that she is wanting to end the affair but she never follows through in looking for counseling and blames her behavior on physiological issues through self diagnosing on google M.D.
We have 5 children between the ages of 7-17 together that she raised wonderfully as a home-school mom. But about 3 years ago she dropped the ball and over the course of the past year or so has been disappearing for up to 3 weeks at a shot and just rolling in when resources run out and so her mothering instinct is gone due to being separated from the children most of the time and living like a single person.
I love her dearly and am having a hard time accepting that the marriage is gone. I am willing to go to counseling, whatever it takes, and this I have made clear to her but to no avail. She will not let this affair go even though it has led to the destruction of her marriage, friends, her parents, and her relationships with her children who are growing very bitter due to the abandonment over and over.
Her affair partner is alcohol dependent and she is now on the same path living in a fantasy land and is now someone I no longer know. Her Christianity is basically non-existent for the past 4 years so appealing to the scriptures, how the Lord is able to forgive, restore, and heal, God’s plan for a covenant marriage, the future of our children and what she is modeling for them, judgment to come, etc. etc., falls on deaf ears.
At the same time, she will not get a divorce but wants to continue as if everything is fine while she continues to have contact with him, just purchased a vehicle from him, and stays for weeks at a time in various hotels with him. I feel as if I am completely stuck and am at a complete loss as to what to do. I do not want to break up our home and devastate our children any more than they have been nor do I want to lose my wife, though in reality, she is indeed gone in her heart and physically 5 of 7 days out of the week on average. What to do????????
Hi Rob, It’s difficult to even know how to reply. This is such a poisonous situation. It has to be ripping your whole family’s hearts apart–especially yours. It’s obvious from what you write that, as sad as it is to say this, your wife is no longer invested in your marriage. She is invested in herself, and herself alone… the needs of you and the children are as far from her mind as it is possible. For this reason, you need to look for what YOU can do to make your home one where integrity, safety, and honesty is lived out. Your wife is out doing her own thing so you have to double up to make sure that you and your children are well taken care of. This is so, so sad. But it is what it is. Looking the other way will not fix anything.
First off, you don’t say if your children are still being homeschooled. If they are… if they are depending upon their mom to give them a good education, it won’t happen. She is too caught up in selfism, rather than doing the right thing for her family and your marriage. Sadly, they need to be put back into school (if they aren’t already). They deserve a good education. The inconsistency of their mom’s teaching won’t give that to them.
Secondly, I love your heart. I love that you have been trying all you know to get your wife to come back to your marriage and the good, honest life she can have by staying faithful (as she used to be). But it seems the more leeway you give her, the more she is trashing it. She may not listen to your appeals on “God’s plan for a covenant marriage, the future of your children” and what she is “modeling for them” but you can do your part to make sure it is lived out for them within your home. At this time it is entirely up to you to live a life of integrity and do what is best for your family. You have to know that your home cannot remain to include a revolving door where your wife can come and go as she pleases, when she pleases, with whomever she pleases. Enough is enough. You need to very prayerfully make a stand.
First, pray about your approach, and then find a time when you can confront her. Make sure that you don’t do it during a time when you should H.A.L.T. — which would be a time when either of you is Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. There’s more vulnerability to be less tolerant of engaging in a healthy conversation during those times. Be wise in your timing and in your wording. Don’t go throwing Bible verses at her, or approach her with hostility or pride in your voice or demeanor. She will just slam her ears shut all the more. But tell her that even though you love her, you can’t make her act lovingly towards you. But what you can do is draw a line in the sand, so to speak. She needs to decide who she is going to be faithful to. If it is to this other guy, then she needs to live with him. If she is going to live in faithfulness to you alone, you welcome her to live with you and the children. But she can’t have it both ways. She can’t live with him and with you. She needs to decide. The revolving door is no longer open.
If she says she can’t decide then tell her that her actions will decide for her. If she spends ANY time with this guy, then by her actions, she is saying that she doesn’t want to make her home with you and the children. You are responsible for them seeing truth lived out within the home. If she doesn’t want to participate in this parenting task, then so be it. But if she wants to live within your home, she must abide by the rules of the home. And living a cheating lifestyle is not allowed. It is not allowed for you, or the children, or for her either.
I’m not saying anything about a divorce. That is a totally different decision between you and God. Don’t even go there in your mind at this time. I’m just saying that she can’t live a double life in front of your children… plus, you have feelings too. You just can’t tolerate her flaunting her cheating in front of you. If she goes off and cheats she is saying that she no longer wants to live within your house. She is making the decision by her actions.
You say in your comment here on this web site that you don’t want to break up your home. Let me be clear here. YOU are not breaking up your home. It’s already broken. Please wake up and realize the gravity of what your wife has done and is doing. You are not MAKING her have an affair, and then bounce back and forth from one lifestyle to the next. SHE is making those decisions. This type of lifestyle is so toxic and dysfunctional that it is a crying shame. How I wish your wife realized this. Please don’t keep enabling her to continue to stomp all over your heart and the children’s hearts with her lifestyle choices. She may not care about what she is modeling, but you need to care. We all live by choices –good and bad.
This is a “love must be tough” crossroad in your life. By enabling her to treat you and the children like this you are not doing anyone any favors. Be brave and prayerfully draw a line in the sand. No more of this is permutable to be lived out within your home. If your marriage has even a shred of a chance of making it, you need to stand tall, and make this “love must be tough” decision. That is my humble, prayerful opinion. Do what you feel led to do, but I stand by what I am saying here. I pray for you and your children, and your wife too… that love and honor will be lived out within your home.
Cindy has always the best answers, mine are more crude. 1st I would make arrangements for children to go to a public school. Not what you want to hear and others may not agree. You don’t have a choice. 2nd, like swallowing a big rock, accept wife is off the deep end. Not saying to divorce, not saying to give up. BUT you may need to put her out. If she can stay for weeks with this other guy, tell her to make it permanent. You probably can not legally put her out of the house without legal separation because of legal issues, home ownership, etc. Be careful, the boyfriend has access to all your accounts and property through her. If he really turns south, he could drain all the equity out of your house. Consider moving your assets to accounts in just your name. Sorry, I have crooked relatives and have seen it all.
Sorry to hear that. I dont really know the country you came from but in my own country, it’s an abomination for a wife to commit adultery and still live with you. You are still insisting you are in love with an adultrer. Man, send her away, open your eyes to reality and move on.
Please I need help. I know every affair is different but this one is different. My story is one that will make you hate life. I have no where else to turn besides it’s long and I doubt this comment box could hold it. Please. Help me; my 5 kids have hurt long enough; please.
Felisha, I don’t know if we can do much to help or not, besides that, which is posted on this web site. Please pray, read, and glean what you can use. But please feel free to explain your situation… just try not to make it too long. We don’t need to know every detail. I know they are important, but they are not always necessary to point out. Going to a counselor is better for that type of interaction. But please explain (in a condensed version) what you feel would be important to talk about in this forum. Perhaps someone can point something out that will help you and your children.
My wife of 17 years wants a divorce now. We have three children. She has told me that I’ve broken her heart too many times, because of the wicked things I’ve said to her. She said she hasn’t been in love with me for two years, and that she was ready to leave me in December of 2016. My anger problem has a lot to do with my attitude, along with bitterness caused by traumatic experiences when I was growing up.
Since going to counseling for the last month, I’ve seen a big change in myself and I’m healing because of God’s grace. She will not seek counseling for our marriage or herself. Recently she admitted that she is currently confiding in another man. The relationship hasn’t turned physical yet, but I believe it will. I’m so brokenhearted and devastated that my wife has moved on.
Samuel, Why ist that divorce in the USA has turned to childs play? You people don’t value marriage any more. There are always hard times in every marriage, but I just realized these days that couples in the westen world couldn’t stand marriage pressure anymore. Once he or she is not happy, the next step to take is to divorce the partner. So, why do you go into marriage vows in the first place?
Majid from Nigeria, I do realize there are some cultural differences between people in different countries, like between Nigeria and here in the USA. However, I would like to bring your attention to a statement you made in your reply to Samuel of the United States when he wrote in with his comments about what was going on in his marriage of 17 years, and what he was afraid might happen with it because of what his wife was doing.
You made this answer: “So, why do you go into marriage vows in the first place?” Brother, we do so — ‘go through marriage vows to one another in the first place’ — because of what God discloses in His Word the purpose of a man and a woman coming together sexually the first time is supposed to be. It is supposed to take place only after the two of them have discovered that they have found a powerful liking of one another (known as “accepting and falling in love with each other”).
When that has occurred in a couple’s friendship that has developed into a courtship, and the physical attraction between them then has become a strong magnet drawing them ever closer into a special and deep, strong connecting bond-ship between themselves emotionally, BEFORE they come together sexually, they are to make those vows to one another as they enter into a covenant with one another as God calls for, and understand that they are to always faithful and loyal to each other, and only to each other, as He blesses their union with the offspring (a baby, children, other human beings, the replenishing of the earth after He had destroyed it because of the rebellion and wickedness that had occurred before) is the result of sexual expression in he first place.
So, Majid, we make those vows BEFORE coming together sexually because that is what God calls for. And to emphasize that, He places His blessings upon acts of sex between a covenant husband and wife relationship. WWhile at the time He also pronounces His judgment will be felt upon all those who ignore His purposes for sex and go forth committing acts of fornication or adultery.
That’s why we “go into those marriage vows in the first place” brother. #1, it’s because it is what God calls for, and #2, because of the prophecy the Holy Spirit spoke to all of us through the words He gave the Apostle Paul to write down. You will find those words in First Timothy 4:1-5. Particularly the first three words of verse 3 as the Spirit of God was forewarning all of us of certain conditions that would be upon the face of the earth in the days of the Great Apostasy (when the majority of the humans in existence at that time would fall away from God’s Will and the Words that He had given for mankind to live by… as they would reject them and, instead, accept and live by the lies and false teachings of the liar, deceiver, and murderer of souls, Satan, who only wanted one thing: as he knew his time was running out, he wanted as many as he could deceive to join him in that lake of fire for eternity): “forbidding to marry.”
The word “forbidding” does not mean TO FORBID someone from getting married! Look up the original Greek word the Holy Spirit inspired the Apostle Paul to write down, and you will find it actually means “opposing, to be operating against, to be ‘hindering’ people from getting married [by saying or having the opinion that they did not have to enter into an exclusive covenant relationship where they ‘vow’ certain commitments to each other before God and man]” When the truth is, they do! In God’s sight, it is required! But not in Satan’s view it is not!
No, in Satan’s view, you can just move in and start ‘shacking up’, having all the sex you want to have. In fact, he is encouraging it. That’s why the Spirit of God warned us that is the way it would be, definitely in the last days, the days of the Great Apostasy when the vast majority of the people on the earth would turn a deaf ear to God and His Instructions found in His Word, the Bible.
So Brother Majid, I know you were not meaning to encourage people to DENY GOD and His requirements to enter into holy marital arrangements through a Covenant between one another to remain covenant-ly true to each other, and ONLY each other till only death separated them…. so, it sure would be good if you correct the ‘opinion’ you expressed on that one subject.
But, I LOVE your commitment to our Heavenly Father, our Elder Brother the Lord Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit and how you are reaching out to others to share your faith with them! I Love that! With you in Nigeria and me in the United States, we may never meet one another here on this earth, but I sure will be looking to meet you when the Lord Jesus comes to call us to join Him in the air and takes us on into the portals of Heaven! I will look to see you then! Brother Sid
Samuel I’m sorry that your family is going through this. Thank God you’re getting the help you need and have made some necessary changes as a result. Pray for your wife that God will heal her heart from the pain you’ve caused her over the years. If you haven’t already, ask her to forgive you and treat her delicately. Men have a very hard time understanding a woman’s heart but when a woman, particularly a wife who is hurt over and over again by her husband, it does serious damage to her. With every hurt her heart shuts down some more until she has truly closed of herself and by then she’s already made up her mind to move on.
I always say many wives who are in difficult marriages have already left their husbands even as they live under the same roof and keep their daily routines. I’ll keep your family in my prayers. Even now I pray to our Father God for the restoration of your family, in the Name of Jesus Christ, Amen and amen.
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I am so overwhelmed. I’ve been separated for eight months; I can’t prove she’s having an affair but in my heart I know she is. I have in the past, and I believe she is done, and I finally woke up and realized how much I love her and am In love with her but I’m scared it’s too late. I am seeing a therapist; just started. I have some some abuse issues from my youth and I’ve never dealt with them. I don’t know what to do.
Mikel, I want you to know that you are doing some really good things right now to try and save your marriage. The fact that you’re seeing a therapist to deal with the abuse issues in the past is HUGE. That demonstrates to your wife how serious you are about wanting to not only heal yourself, but your marriage as well. Unfortunately, these things take time and there are rarely any quick fixes.
But if you’re able to forgive your wife (if, in fact, she has been unfaithful) and then demonstrate how committed to her you are to changing the things you’ve done wrong, then your marriage can be rebuilt into something stronger than you could ever imagine.
In addition to your counseling I recommend you get a copy of the book, Cherish: The One Word That Changes Everything for Your Marriage by Gary Thomas. It revolutionized our marriage (of 47 years) by teaching me how to REALLY love Cindy the way SHE needed me to.
You can also go into the topic on our web site called For Married Men as there are a lot of articles there to help you learn more about what our wives need from us husbands. I hope this helps you on your journey of marriage restoration.
I was in a similar situation as those described, I’m a husband that massively failed the early part of our marriage and she had great resentment. Things got better in year 2-3 of marriage but then the wheels came off; she got pregnant with our second child right after we moved across the country and needless to say we weren’t ready for another child in that situation. I wasn’t ready for the additional work needed at home and those old resentments returned in full force and I dismissed them because she blew up over every little mistake I made.
Then one day, in year 6 she caught me checking out a young woman at a local swimming pool (I was so zoned out I didn’t even hear her speak to me). She ended up joining an affair website after that incident, had an affair for a month until they had sex, to which she said reality hit during sex and they both felt awkward and stopped (he was married too). I found out a week later via email, she confessed when confronted, cried begging me to forgive her she said she was so mad and just wanted my attention…she said I never seemed to give any care about her and her feelings and she just latched to the first thing that came along when she got mad at me.
Its been a year and I have gotten better but she still cries about it from time to time; she tells me she doesn’t know how she could have had a thought process to let her do something so sickening. However, I can say 100% had she not had an affair our marriage would ironically, be over. We needed a reset; this blew up our old marriage that we were clinging to.
My wife told our therapist she viewed herself so negatively from the affair she doesn’t care about anything wrong I’ve ever done to her…she just didnt want to lose me. Maybe I got lucky in terms of being betrayed; my wife had already ended the affair and has done every request and hasn’t shown the judgmental resentment. While I was also miserable before the affair I didn’t want to lose her.
Our communication and marriage is so much better now. The only sad part is it took an affair to allow us to appreciate our relationship and fix our issues. If you have been cheated on and your spouse wants to fix the marriage, you have to have empathy, be willing to work on yourself, and not take the affair as something personal (the affair had nothing to do with you, it was the cheating spouse feeding off the attention and instant gratification).
I liked to be honest with me – there is no problem.
Been married for 5 hears to my beautiful wife. We had twin boys 1.5 hears into marriage, along with 3 different job changes for me. We weren’t ready for kids, and along with the job changes (before these, I had a steady job), out lives did a 180. Fast forward to last Nov. My wife was giving me subtle clues as to me not giving her attention. Sex was great, just not extremely frequent due to us both being tired all the time and life getting in the way.
In November 2018, she reached out to a guy, somewhat innocently at the time, who was on the church band with her. We were friends with him and his wife. They started texting all the time, which eventually led to secret rendezvous between them. Over the course from November 2018 to early April 2019, they met up 7 times. The first time they met up, it was a make out session. The next time, they had sex. The next few times were make out sessions and one more sex. The last time they met up, she was on her period so she gave him oral sex.
She would lie to me as to the reasons she wanted to get out of the house to go meet up and tell me when I got home from work or we’d pit the kids to bed, she’d ask if she could go to the grocery store or sometimes she would plan out a week in advance to say she was going out with a group of friends from work.
Last week, she broke down and told me she has been cheating. She said she never intended on it evolving into what it became and that she has always loved me and that she royally screwed up. She said she never had thoughts of leaving me or anything, but that this was an open door that easily allowed her to get attention where I was lacking- in the areas that I let life get in the way. We’d be on our phones at night and hardly spoke.
Well, since she told me, not even a week ago, we’ve been more intimate in these few days than we have been in along time. I believe her; I don’t trust her. The fact that she’s been so open and has answered every question I’ve asked her without hesitation. It will take a long time for trust to be restored and we’re putting up safeguards and focusing on each other, making one another a priority. We have high hopes, and I can say, as crazy as it sounds, that I forgive her and I love her more now than I ever have before!
Married 60 years. Too young to understand anything in the beginning but protected by our Faith in God. 2 grown children, grand children and now GGchildren. I believe she had an emotional or maybe physical affair at some point during her time as youth minister’s PA. This was 30 years ago. We both were busy and I understand how I failed to be who/what she needed. Sex/intimacy ended 25 years ago. We became room mates except my room was separate.
Now reading all the situations expressed here and other places and even attempting to regenerate our relationship from all the approaches suggested, I see she has shut down and is no longer even approachable. I think she “cares” for me and I love her. Now I am ashamed, embarrassed, lonely and just resolved to be here just in case she changes.
This happened before I realized what was going on. She is not vocal and her past was unholy hell as I understand. I have been blindsided by all this; she says “there will be no counseling or discussion”. I’m sorry to expose my heart here but it seems there is no solution to my dilemma unless there could be some miracle.
Larry, oh how my heart aches for you and how I wish I had some “pearls of wisdom” that I could share that would change you’re wife’s heart and mind. If it wasn’t for the fact that Cindy and I have seen marriages in worse situations than yours be completely healed/restored, then I would think it’s hopeless. But we have some friends who had been divorced from each other for 20 years and God worked a miracle and brought them back together where today they are not only “married,” but they are helping other couples who are struggling in their marriages. I doubt they had one friend or family member that thought that would have ever been possible. But as we know, with God all things are possible; and with God nothing is impossible.
I’d like to encourage you to come back on our web site and click on the Prayer Wall and write out a prayer request. You can either use you first names or use a pseudonym. God knows who you are. There are many people who come on our web site every day to pray through the requests that have been posted. You and I know there is great power in prayer and we can believe together for the miracle you need. And thanks for being bold enough to be vulnerable and share your heart. Blessings!
What happens is she is already living with the affair partner and has threatened divorce, but never followed through? She definitely hasn’t thought about the consequences.
Patrick, as painful as this is to type, but chop chop, time to cut it off.
My wife’s affair began late October of 2019. The first 3 months were terrible, no communication, the phrase “I love you, but not in love with you”, the dreaded divorce word, and told to “move on”. Late January things changed and we took a trip where we talked about reconciliation. We were intimate, and talked about the process of working things out. However, it was a false start, and she never cut off communication with the AP. We lived in the same house but she would leave for the weekends. We fought all the time due to the back and forth. But the divorce word was never used.
We sold our house at the end of June and I moved into an apartment, and she moved 2 hours away to where the AP lives. There was period of about a month and a half I didn’t see or talk to her much. Then we made plans to take our dogs to the vet. In that trip 2 hours away, we got lost and we laughed and had an amazing time. Some things changed, and we’ve communicated every day. We’ve started small dates once a week, and “I love you’s” via text or talking have come back.
There has been no more fighting and I have learned the concepts of smart contact, and how it pertains to Limerence. She has made several small but sweet gestures that let me know she still cares. And we have talked about nothing but future plans for occasions and goals. But I have the gut feeling the AP is still in the picture. I’m just curious as to if anyone else found theirselves in similar circumstances and how it turned out.
I am very sorry about this. It has to be degrading. I have not been thru this but have friends who have.
1. Separating is never as good thing. It usually is the end of a marriage. Not always.
2. Don’t fool yourself, other guy is in the picture. She is now with him 100% of the time and it may not be as dreamy as she thought it would be. He may already be on the hunt for another woman.
3. (Now the hard one) Don’t throw yourself at your wife (or ex). She has hurt you to your core. She has broken that trust. She has been out partying and xxxx-ing at the expense of your mental health. Your home is gone, all your family & friends know this. If you get back with her, how long will it be until another guy shows up? History is a great teacher.
4. If I was in your shoes, I probably would try to work things out with my wife, but I could never trust her again. I would always wonder who she is texting, who she is talking to on the way home from work, why is she late,
5. Therapy is great, saves many marriages, but cheating on a spouse imparts something like a wandering spirit that therapy can not remove. Only God.
The scenario you gave was my situation. My wife left me for a co-worker because she loved him and not me. She ended up getting pregnant for the first time ever so that joy has forever been stolen from me. For some reason she agreed to go to a counselor and that was a huge mistake. All that came out of that was that I learned the sex was amazing with him. I was the first person she had ever had and he was the second. Being with him “opened her eyes to how sex could really be” because, physically, he was “more” than me. Even though she was pregnant with another man’s child I was willing to take her back.
Initially she was willing to try but after a few days she realized she couldn’t be without him so she left again. I made a patsy of myself trying to win her back but kept failing. Eventually she left him (found out he was cheating) and went to her mom’s. Eventually she decided that she wanted to reconcile and we got back together. Counselling focused on what led her to having an affair and we never dealt with what her affair did to me and how I felt. After a long time of feeling bitter I finally decided that I was important enough to be heard told her what was going on with me.
We are working on our marriage and are actually moving forward together. There is still some fear that resides in me but I am open with her and it is helping. We are staying together and she has remained faithful ever since. We talk about our feelings and I am very open with her on how my healing is going. However, I suffer from sexual issues that make performing very difficult. She says that being intimate with me is better because it is more than the physical act. All that says to me is that sex was way better with him (she admitted a while back that they would have sex 2 or 3 times a day with him; it apparently was really that good) but she’s resigned herself to what we have.
I know that “being” with her is more than just the act in my head but my heart isn’t there yet. What do I do? I feel like she would rather just masturbate instead of having sex with me (she admitted recently that she had masturbated one night while I was sleeping). We are staying together and she has remained faithful ever since. We talk about our feelings and I am very open with her on how my healing is going.
Ouch dude, painful story, I have to give it to you for getting back together with her. Just curious, sex 2 or 3 times/day, either of them work ? I take it that you guys are young too. What happened with the child? You said you have performance issues, been to the DR. for this? If no, you really need to, you will need to keep her ‘satisfied’ or you will be going through this again. Sorry,,,
I can say honestly I don’t care how “good” he was in bed. What I care about is that my wife refuses to be as sexual with me as she was with him. It’s far deeper than I think you suggest in your article. I feel a ceaseless sense of rejection and denial, that feel completely emasculating, which seems to only boil over in anger because she refuses to even let me feel or vent my frustration. It’s as if I don’t deserve to feel what I feel. Like I should be happy that she loved what she got from him and I should just be glad I get what she’s willing to give.
Then sometimes your wife is just a covert narc and she feels entitled to cheat and she is going to cheat even if you know about it.
It doesn’t seem as if anyone has posted here in some time, and I don’t know if anyone will ever see this, but I have got to get this off my chest because it is eating me alive. I’m not sure where to start exactly, so I guess I will just start at the beginning….
I met my husband about 7 years ago, we instantly had a connection and spent hours talking about our dreams and future plans. I was 38 years old and had been married and divorced twice and was raising 2 kids that were 10 and 15. Though I was intrigued by this man and completely smitten with him I was not ready to dive into another relationship and was focused on being a good mom, finishing college and starting my career. Something I had always dreamed of doing but had failed at several times due to bad marriages and birth of children.
So anyways, after hanging out with him several weeks. Sneaking around so the kids wouldn’t know, I began to start having strong feelings for him. We had made several times but when we came close one night to having sex, which I stopped just short of; I made the heartbreaking decision to end this thing, whatever it was. I told this man that I just couldn’t see him anymore and I needed to really find out who I was, WITHOUT a man. I needed to make a life of my own, and I needed to concentrate on my children who I had with each of the 2 failed marriages. We just couldn’t handle anyone else in our lives at the time.
Now when I tell you I was heartbroken, I was heartbroken. I had a tendency to attach quickly and when I fall, I fall hard. But for once in my life I did the right thing and put my kids and I first. He was also upset by this, but he understood my decision, and respected me for being honest with him and not letting it get any farther than it did because he admitted to me that he was falling for me. We spent the rest of that evening holding each other and talking and we even cried together. To be 100 percent honest I was 2nd guessing my decision when I cried myself to sleep in his arms.
When I woke up a few hours later he was gone. He had left while I was asleep, though I want write the whole letter out, but it pretty much said how deeply he had fallen for me, and I didn’t know it yet. I was one of the strongest women he had ever met. He told me how great of a mother he thought I was and how much respect he had for me. He said he believed in me. Told me not to ever give up on my dreams again, to finish school and to make my dreams a reality. He told me that though it was one of the hardest things he had ever done he would not put up a fight even though he wanted to. He also said that he would wait for me however how long it took. He ended by saying he was sorry for leaving without saying goodbye but that he didn’t think he could walk away while I was awake.
To be honest I thought, yeah right, I bet he will wait. I called it BS right then and there. The 2 men I had married said they would never leave and would always be there. But the first one beat me and the second one who would never have laid a hand on me just couldn’t seem to keep his hands off everybody else. I know of at least 2 other women, and have heard about a 2 others. I was actually kinda angry for a while about how he left. I tried to call him several times over the next week or so, but he did not answer the phone or return my calls. That did nothing but reassure me that he was full of it. And I just chalked it up to him being just like the other men in my life.
I was so mad at him for leaving even though I told him to go. I knew it was the right thing, but I still felt in some kinda way that he didn’t put up any fight, just poof he was gone. So, I pulled my big girl panties up and I dove into school and running a mom taxi for my kids. I had a full schedule to say the least and after 2 and a half years I walked the stage and I got my Bachelors Degree. I was 40 years old and finally I had done it! A few months later my son left for college and my then almost 13 year old social butterfly daughter was always at some kind of practice or at her friends house and I was on the hunt for my dream job, which I landed just before I turned 41.
After a couple years I opened my own business and was able to hire a great team of people, which allowed me some much needed time to just unwind and actually enjoy some of the money I was making. Over the next couple years, I took my kids on an Alaskan cruise, we went to see the statue of Liberty, we even visited Niagra Falls.
During those years I went out on some dates but I didn’t seem to connect with anyone and I had thought of the man that had left me that letter years earlier. Where was he, had he ever married, did he have kids? I had never seen him again, and I had thought of him often. By now my daughter had left for college and I was 46 years old and had a thriving company that allowed me a lot of freedom. The kids were gone and I was alone. For the first time ever, I was alone and by alone I mean I was lonely. I had made it; I had a successful career, I had raised 2 great kids. I had everything I ever wanted, and there I was alone.
I was ready for love. I really wanted a man. I wanted a companion, someone to share my life with. But I didn’t know how to date anymore; I never really did. I fell in love and got married to the first 2 men I ever slept with. And had only dated casually since then. Well, some girlfriends of mine talked me into online dating, which I have to say I hated. I had looked for James…That’s his name by the way, several times over the years but he had literally vanished. I would get his letter out every now and then and read it and think was he the one that got away? I wondered if I would ever find that kind of whirlwind romance again? Would I ever have that undeniable chemistry again that I had felt with James? I wondered if he ever thought of me? Did I ever cross his mind?
Well, he did think of me! I did cross his mind! He had been at my graduation from college, and he had followed my career from afar. And he was standing there in front of me. Thank you Facebook. LOL. I never would have in a million years thought it would happen. He sent me a friend request. I almost peed my pants. I swear to you my heart literally almost jumped out my chest. I was like a schoolgirl. Jumping around in circles. Standing up and then sitting down, acting pure silly as I hit the accept button. I literally could not believe it. We met up and I swear to you it was like a fairytale. We just picked up right where we left off. And he never got married or had kids. He really did wait for me! We were married 6 months later! And then lived happily ever after… The end? NOPE!
Seems while I was off chasing my dreams and traveling, he was seeing the great pyramid….SCHEME!! He was charged and pled guilty to running a Ponzi scheme and taking hundreds of thousands of money from a lot of innocent people. This perfect man, this absolutely perfect man wasn’t so perfect after all. He told me it was all a mistake but he had to plead guilty because it looked like he was guilty and if it went in front of a jury and lost he could spend many years in prison. He pled down and ended up getting sentenced to 26 months in prison. I vowed to wait for him.
I thought I had forgiven him but once he was gone it didn’t take long till I was sending him money every week and putting phone time on the phone and having to answer and hear that message. You have a call from an inmate at prison. I swear I hated to even answer the phone. It was awkward and I was peeved. I mean I was mad. How could he do this? He waited all these years for me and then left me because he did something illegal and really stupid. I was working my butt off for my success and he was stealing people’s retirement funds and getting rich off of destroying peoples lives. I still loved him but I resented him so much I could hardly stand it.
During this time my son had some hardship and moved back home for a short time in which I got close to one of his friends, and when I say close, I mean, we were screwing every chance we got. I’ve never had a good sex life. I didn’t know what I was missing. He is amazing. He is also half my age. I am 22 years older than him to be exact. What he sees in me I have no freaking clue. And I know some of you might say he sees money, but nope he has plenty of money. He has more than me. You cannot make this up. Yep, He is madly in love with me. And as much as I tried not to, I have fallen in love with him too!!
Now, I have told you all this to tell you, I don’t know what to do. My son and daughter have no idea this is going on. My son has asked some questions but we have both lied through our teeth. And most of all my husband, you remember the liar James, well, now he isn’t the only liar and though I didn’t steal people’s retirement I did steal this beautiful, sexy, smart, wonderful very younger mans heart.
Lord have mercy I just don’t know what to do. I still talk to James every few days with James with I love you…What the heck?? I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to hurt James. And I don’t want to hurt Josh. And I’m not sure how my son is going to take this when he finds out. I am having a full on affair. I love my husband. but I love Josh too. I really don’t think I could ever forgive James for leaving me and for doing what he did to all those people. And I don’t want to go back to that ordinary sex life I had with James. But what if Josh is not really in love with me and he is in love with the chase? I could lose them both?? I am so glad to tell somebody!
By the way just so you know everything. Josh and I have been together for about 8 months and James has about a little over a year before he comes home. – Signed, Confused in Carolina.
I gave up a good job, moved halfway across the country for her promotion, only to be left with caring for a dying father while she screwed some other dude then ended it and hid in shame for years, only to relapse and abandon me with a foster child. If only I was more attentive to her needs.
P.S. I got everything in the divorce voluntarily and her parents blamed me. Sometimes the betrayer really is a horrible and awful person.
I have been married to my Christian wife for over 25 years and recently found out my wife was having an affair with strong evidence, which appears to be going back as far as 12 to 15 years. There appears to be a direct correlation of distancing herself with the Lord and also myself for that many years. When I confronted her about the affair, she had no remorse.
Just wanted to know how I found the evidence. Has filed already for divorce and many friends are saying she is doing me a favor. Kids are all grown and out of the house and not sure if they will ever know or her family either. After years of neglect, lack of respect and critical spirit, maybe I can feel valued again soon.
It seems a lot like the Prodigal Spouse (Living for self). I have always told her that at the altar, I made a commitment to her for better or worse and a covenant with God. Will always pray for her and love her. Pray for our Marriage and kids. Blessings!