I’m going to approach this article a bit differently than others I’ve written. I feel a need to address both women and men on this matter, because it DOES matter. It’s a struggle, whether you’re the wife or the husband. Both feel very strongly about this part of their marriage. This article addresses the issue of when a wife doesn’t want to have sex. But it also addresses what it is like for the man to be refused.
I totally agree with something Dr Phil McGraw has said on his television program,
“Sex might not be everything but it registers higher (90 percent) on the ‘importance scale’ if it’s a source of frustration in your relationship. It is a gigantic issue, if your sex life is unfulfilled. On the other hand, couples that have satisfying sex lives rate sex at only 10 percent on the ‘importance scale.'” (From Ten Relationship Myths)
For both husband and wife, it’s a huge problem if they aren’t in agreement.
First: To The Husband Whose Wife Doesn’t Want Sex
I can’t even start to know the frustration you’re experiencing. I’ve listened to men (and my own husband) as they’ve voiced their anxiety and grief and utter angst over this issue. However, because I’m not a man, I don’t really understand it in the same way another man would.
So, when I came across a series of articles written by Paul Byerly, and I saw the value of what Paul has written, I determined to let him address this issue from a man’s perspective. He and his wife Lori have a wet site called The Marriage Bed. Paul knows what he is talking about on this issue.
So men, please read the following series of articles posted on The-generous-husband.com web site (you may even want to question him about this matter):
• WHY WIVES SAY NO TO SEX, AND WHAT A MAN CAN DO ABOUT IT
And then here are two great articles written by Sheila Wray Gregoire on this same issue. Sheila addresses husbands, helping them to figure out why she doesn’t like sex in the first place. And then what to do about it. We encourage you to read these articles (and comments posted below it). Sheila does a great job in explaining things:
• FOR THE GUYS: When Your Wife Hates Sex
• 10 QUESTIONS TO ASK IF YOUR WIFE DOESN’T WANT SEX
— ADDITIONALLY —
Neil Black wrote the following articles, which you may find helpful:
• HELP! MY WIFE DOESN’T WANT SEX
• HELP! MY WIFE DOESN’T WANT SEX – Part 2
I hope men find the above series of articles, from both Paul Byerly and Neil Black, helpful!
Next: For Wives Who Do Not Want to Have Sex:
I realize that this is a complex issue for the wife who is denying her husband, as well. There are so many reasons why you may not want to make love to your husband. Some of these reasons may be lack of desire, his cleanliness, his demanding, abusive, controlling ways, which turn you off when you consider having any physical contact with him. And then there are pornography issues —either his or yours. Satisfaction is being achieved through false, sinful entertainment. We deal with many of those issues in other topics of this web site. Please search for them.
There’s also busyness, where you’re too tired to make love to your husband because of the demands of children, job obligations, household chores, etc. There are so many reasons why a wife may want to say no to having sex with her husband. Lori Byerly, of The Generous Wife web site wrote a blog addressing this issue, that you may find insightful. I sure did —probably because I have had to make similar decisions:
• THE SEX QUESTIONS — WHEN SHE SAYS NO
These issues are also addressed within other topics on this web site. Please seek and you will find. It’s not that they will give instant answers, or every answer; they won’t. But I believe you will find inspiration and at least some help to make changes that are needed in intimately connecting with your marriage partner.
Past Abuse Nightmares
Also, there is the problem of past abuse from other men and how it may be haunting you today. When your husband touches you it sends off memory triggers. These triggers may remind you of the horrible hurt you went through earlier in life. It may also have stripped your desire to have even a loving husband touch you.
I can relate. I’ve been there and have worked through that extremely difficult situation.
I write a bit about it in the article:
• WHEN PAST SEXUAL ABUSE AFFECTS A MARRIAGE’S INTIMACY
If this is what you are dealing with, there’s also a few other articles you may want to read:
• SEXUAL OBSTACLES: Healing an Emotional Wound
There may be other issues, such as addictions, and bitterness over marriage situations. Just so you know, we have articles on those issues on this web site, as well.
But whatever it is, please work on it.
They say, “Whoever wants sex the least has the most power in bed.” That seems to be true. If a lot of withholding is going on, there is a power struggle going on and the bedroom is “a lousy place for a battle of the will.”
I agree that there are seasons where we need to work on issues pertaining to our sex life together. But when it drags on to more than a “season” then there are problems. The Bible tells us,
“The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and like-wise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.“ (1 Corinthians 7:3-5)
You had to have known that before you married that it isn’t good to deprive one another. Being intimate and exclusive with each other is all part of being married. If you wanted to withhold having sex with your spouse, you shouldn’t have married.
Perhaps you have changed in your libido or your desire.
Keep in mind that marriage is not all about you. This is a partnership. And just like your husband needs to work with you on compromises, you need to work with him on compromises too.
But be careful in how you do this. Don’t just lay there and let him be intimate with you, while you pout and think, “just get it over with.” That won’t satisfy your husband (or you) either. Marriage is about giving. It is stated throughout the Bible, that it’s more blessed to give than to receive. We’re also told to serve one another, with a good heart. Jesus was our ultimate example in being a servant. As we’re told in Philippians 2 we’re to, “have this same attitude as Christ Jesus.“
You know deep in your heart if you’re being difficult with your husband. You also should know that you’re asking more of him than you should if you keep rejecting him sexually. And yet you’re expecting him to be celibate because you also expect him to stay faithful in all ways.
Yes, he should stay faithful.
That’s what God expects of him too. But if you are not being intimate with him if he wants and needs you, you’re putting temptation in front of him. You’re putting him in a corner where he can feel trapped. He can’t be intimate with you and yet he has needs. A life sentence of celibacy can be a frightening life for someone who needs that connection with the one he loves and wants. His sexual desires won’t quit plaguing him, just because you say no.
I have to admit that there have been times when I didn’t “want it” when my husband approached me. There was even a LONG period of time when I was dealing with past sexual issues where I denied my husband. I now know that I was wrong in what I did and what I expected of him. I know I didn’t have to to meet his every need when I was hurting so deeply inside. But I needed help to get past the mental torture I was experiencing, and it was wrong of me not to get it. We didn’t have to stay stuck in that place for so long.
My husband pleaded with me and I just looked the other way thinking, “He just needs to control himself. He should understand how painful this is for me.”
A Time for Everything
Yes, it wouldn’t have been too much to ask my husband to “control himself” for a period of time while I was in the depths of therapy. And yes, as my marital partner, he should understand (to a certain degree) how painful this was for me. But I took it way beyond reasonable. Steve really COULDN’T understand my reactions or the depth of my pain. And even if he tried to understand (which he did), I still needed professional help to work through my issues. And then we could work together on ours so this wasn’t something that would go on and on without an end in sight.
I was being unreasonable in my expectations of him. He married me in good faith that we would be marriage partners. Yet I was withdrawing an important connection in that partnership. And whether it was because of past abuse or whatever, it was not reasonable for me to ask my husband to stay pure and not be with me either. I feel that is true in most marriages (unless there are untreatable physical reasons).
Work on your issues.
If there are treatable physical, emotional, or whatever reasons why you can’t get together, please work on them. Don’t deny your spouse and sentence him to a life without you or anyone else. He wants you and no one else. Please work on your issues.
If the reason you can’t be with him is because of physical pain or because of some other physical reason, then work with doctors on this. If it truthfully can’t be medically resolved, then look for other ways to satisfy him. But do it with a good attitude. And if you can’t do things in a “conventional” method because of physical limitations, then find ways to satisfy each other in other ways. Be creative.
The important thing is that you are together, as a man and wife. Just don’t allow any other human being to be involved with both of you (either physically or visually), in your time together. This is YOUR time to be together. Please don’t ask your husband to lead a celibate life if that is not what he desires.
There was a long, long (unreasonably long) season where I pulled back from being intimate with my husband. Eventually, I woke up and realized that I had a good guy that I married. He didn’t deserve to be another victim to what had happened to me in the past. I sought for, and received the emotional help I needed to work through my issues. We eventually came together, and have loved on each other since.
Helpful Resources:
There have been a few dry spells, even after I dealt with my past, where I haven’t wanted it as much as my husband desired. The book, Sacred Sex: A Spiritual Celebration of Oneness in Marriage
God showed me I am not to deny my husband when he needs to be close to me, whenever it is possible. Yes, some times I fall into bed exhausted or I’m not feeling well, and then it happens; he approaches me. But instead of totally denying him, I either offer a “quickie” or ask him if we can be together at another time. (And I make sure it’s soon.) My husband is a reasonable man and that has worked for us.
But what if you don’t feel like it?
If it’s just because I don’t “feel like it” —even then, I offer the same. But most of the time, even if I don’t feel like it, I’ve learned to pray. I ask God to give me the desire. There is a spiritual component involved, when my husband and I are intimate together.
I’ve had times where I’ve started out with NO desire to make love to my husband when he has needed it. But eventually, I’m totally into it as I pray and concentrate on lavishing him with love, coming from a heart filled with the love of God. I’m enjoying loving my husband as much as he is in loving me. Making love then becomes TOTALLY satisfying and enjoyable. I never knew that God would answer that type of prayer, but He does!
Here’s a quote from Sheila Wray Gregoire to consider:
How often have you done this? You’re lying in bed, feeling guilty, wondering, ‘Is he expecting something tonight?’ And then your brain goes into overdrive. ‘Do I feel like it? I don’t know. Is he due? How many days has it been, anyway? If we start right this moment, how many hours of sleep will I still get?’ If you had started making love in the beginning, the silly thing is, you’d be asleep by now! We women often forget that our sex drives are primarily in our brains.
“Unlike for our husbands, arousal usually comes after you start making love, not before. But instead of jumping in, we tend to overanalyze things. Tonight, silence all those thoughts running through your head, and just decide, I am going to feel good, and I am going to feel close to my husband! When you are mentally excited about having sex, your whole body tends to follow. So stop thinking so much, and start doing!”
I hope what I’m writing here helps in some way. I know that there are circumstances where we just don’t want it. And most husbands have those times too. But please make it your mission to work on whatever it is that’s blocking the way of intimately connecting with your marriage partner in this way.
In closing:
Please prayerfully consider something that was written in the above mentioned book, Intimate Issues:
“Making the right decision is never easy but there are benefits to adopting the right attitude. When we choose to love selflessly, we honor God, we make our husbands happy, and we find more pleasure in our lovemaking.
“Dying to self is difficult, but it is necessary if you want to grow in godliness. Being godly means having a godly attitude. Godly attitudes result in godly actions, such as giving your body to your husband. This is easier if you surrender to God and allow His Spirit to work within you. ‘Nothing is impossible with God‘ (Luke 1:37, NIV). God is able to give you desire where none existed before. He can help you exchange wrong thinking with godly thinking. And God can cause you to enjoy deeper intimacy than you ever thought possible.
“God, I confess that I have not always appreciated Your gift of sex —or even wanted it. I have shunned You and withheld my body from my husband. Forgive me. I want to be a willing and creative lover —but it’s hard. Please stir up in me passion and desire for my husband. help me get my mind off myself to You and humbly ask that You begin now to work in me.”
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.
Filed under: Sexual Issues
(USA) As I’ve said before, I’ve yet to see in the Bible where it says to withhold sex. If you want to withhold something, withhold something you are probably not a fan of, such as laundry, dishes, mowing the lawn, taking out the trash, etc. The Bible is clear that we are NOT to withhold sex.
I’ve never understood the logic in withholding something because you don’t feel close to your spouse when what you are withholding is one of the most basic means of creating and cultivating your most intimate connection with your spouse. It’s as if you cut off your nose to spite your face should you choose to withhold sex.
(USA) It’s hard for a wife to completely grasp her hubby’s overwhelming need for sexual intimacy. Just as it is difficult for males to understand that females don’t always share this overwhelming need. We are physically wired differently. Yes, God counsels that this need is not neglected. When I did research and fully understood male biology of sexual intimacy, I finally fully understood my role in fulfilling my husband’s most important need. AND reciprocally, I was able to coach my husband to understand why my libido didn’t always match his. It wasn’t a matter of withholding, it was that we weren’t in sync with each other. Communication, was the actual key to solving our friction and restoring healthy sexual intimacy.
(USA) Great comment Pearl! Yes communication is very important. My husband and I do not communicate with each other. When he comes home from work, he goes straight to the basement, and I am always upstairs doing chores or with the children.
Sex is a form of communication that is probably your husband’s primary love language. Give him a reason to stay upstairs and he probably will.
No fair. Why should she give him a reason to come up stairs. He is not a visitor to the home. He needs to be a big boy and come and share in with her and the children. No wonder women do no have interest in having sex, men only come around us when they want to have sex.
You must always remember that women are not like men. Sex IS NOT on our minds like it is on you men’s minds. Stop scolding us for being different from you all!!
Jean, I think you may be on the wrong thread here. This is about giving from both sides, and finding out what works for both. No, men and women aren’t wired the same way for sex, but if a man doesn’t get his needs met, what motivates him to meet his wife’s needs? Also, why should a wife meet a man’s needs if he’s not willing to meet hers? It has to be a mutual effort, simply stating that it’s “not fair” or that you’re “wired differently” is not an excuse and doesn’t get you out of being accountable for your marriage.
The reason is because women are the anti-christ. They trick us into believing one thing then when we say I do, they have a whole new set off rules they play by.
My situation is the same. My wife doesn’t want to have sex with me. We both have very busy life styles so we don’t even get time to spend with each other. But she lives with me and I never forced her to do anything, just only expressed my feelings that I want to have sex. But she makes an excuse like she’s tired, or says, I don’t like sex. Sometimes I get the feeling that I should have an extra affair outside of the marriage, but something makes me stop and says, be loyal. It’s getting frustrating for me and I am helpless.
The women’s responses on this page are exactly why I will not get married again. Marriage has become an institution of control, there is a deep hatred for men these days. Women seem to re-enforce each others hate for men and it’s not getting better soon. Marriage is like a contract to lose oneself, and learn to hate the other person. It’s not like the days when people needed each other, respected each other, and actually care about the family unit.
Narcissism is rampant on both sides, but more-so with female. Don’t believe me look on Facebook. “Look at me syndrome is at epidemic levels with women. Not sure what the answer is because religion has lost it’s grip. I wish everyone a happy life, but we need to re-evaluate our society as a whole.
Exactly right John! I’m married to a woman who makes off comments about how “men” are disgusting, especially when the topic of pay inequality or another “hot” issue is discussed. I GENTLY remind her that I’m a guy and she simply sighs or changes the subject. She hates men but it wasn’t apparent to me when we were dating. We dated for 7 years, I promise as soon as the ring went on her finger, she changed.
I’m simple, help out around the house, cook, walk our dogs when she is “too tired” to go out with us. I stay fit for myself and to make sure we live a long life together. She exercises maybe twice a month. Then tells me “you should wake me up in the morning to workout with you”, I comply and she always goes back to bed. Furthermore, she has the nerve to tell me that she is upset with me because I “need to initiate sex more.” She hasn’t initiated once in 9 YEARS. I should have seen it coming far in advance. That felt good! I will find a therapist… May God be with all of us, we will need it!
I cannot find one negative comment in this forum. It’s funny that most of the comments are from men.
I have been married to a lady younger than me for 8 years now and though sex at first (for 3 months only I may add) was brilliant, she has ceased any form of sex with me. She hates it, won’t talk about it, nothing. She has a lovely body, no kids, doesn’t smoke or drink. I have for 7 years gone without and I’m trying to keep faithful, but am tempted to go to a massage parlour or find a lady who likes sex. I love my wife; she is perfect in all other ways. I resorted to masterbating daily, but I am frustrated with this situation. I went out one evening after an argument on sex, and ended up at a bird Hyde miles from anywhere. I went inside and another guy was inside; I began talking to him on the subject and he offered to masterbate me. I let him but felt bad about my wife. Was I wrong to do this or not? I needed to do something.
Paul, You have to know that this is a Christian web site. Of course, we will tell you this was wrong. Don’t allow yourself to believe the lie that because you hurt so badly, solutions to cheat and do that which you should not, are acceptable. Your wife should NOT stop making love with you. It’s wrong. But your going out to “find a lady” or going to a “massage parlor” or finding someone else to masterbate you is wrong. The old saying applies here, “two wrongs don’t make a right.” …What do you do? There is major counseling needed here. You said she “won’t talk about it” so perhaps you may need to go to a counselor alone (if she won’t go with you) who can help you to figure out how to get her to open up and talk about the subject, and resolve the issue so you both are satisfied.
To be very honest, my wife and I haven’t had sex for over a year. I always pay attention to her and my daughter; we play games, watch shows/movies, cook dinner, and many other things. But the intimacy is rarely there. When we were first together, it was difficult for us to be apart physically. Yet, 12 years later it’s difficult for us to be together physically at all.
I know she tries occasionally, which I honestly believe is out of sympathy. But her drive seems to be non-existent. I’m not unfit or have any issues physically/sexually. I don’t know what to do anymore, and honestly I’ve stopped caring or trying because I’ve been “shot down” so many times. It’s so frustrating. I’ve looked at other couples sexual relationships with jealousy simply because mine isn’t there. What do I do?
(USA) I must confess I am guilty of withholding sex from my husband. He also does it at times. It is hard to find time or energy for sex when I have to: be a mom and student, do laundry, clean the house, cook, wash dishes, mow the law, wash the cars, run errands, take my son to get his haircut, and the list goes on. I know there isn’t a valid excuse for my actions or his. We all fall short of God’s glory. At the end of the day that is the last thing on my mind. I know I need to change my way of thinking.
(USA) Hi Shannon, You might try reading my post at OysterBed7 called ‘Why Sex?’ http://www.oysterbed7.com/2012/04/why-sex.html It explains the male biology of sex. It helped me be more sympathetic and pro-active in our sexual intimacy. I hope it’s of value to you. Blessings!
No woman needs to change her way of thinking. Do not say that. Men are the ones who want the sex, so let them do things to us that will get us interested, just like we coach them to go shopping or talk with us. Stop trying to remake women. We are not built like men. But since sex is what they want, then they need to take some up some of the slack so that the wife will not have a burdened down mind and tired body. The husband has got to realize that women do it all and after slaving here and there, boring sex with a boring husband who only knows how to thrust a few times is not on our minds.
Jean, Really? You can say for sure that out of the 3.5 BILLION women out there in the world, NONE of them need to change their thinking, but men do? Seems rather closed minded and one-sided.
But let’s assume you are right. So the same would apply. Women who want conversation, romance or other such things should not try to redefine men. Instead, they need to do the things that will get their men interested in such activities. In other words, stop trying to re-make men, we are not built like women. But since conversation and romance is what they want, then they need to take up some of the slack so that the husband will not have a burdened down mind and tired body.
The wife has to realize that men do it all and after slaving here and there, boring sex with a boring wife who only knows how to natter on about inconsequential things is not on our minds. Jean, if you find that to be ridiculous and offensive, then welcome to how your words were as presented.
Wow, thank you Tony. Jean’s comment is offensive and closed-minded. I could feel the hate and bitterness when I read her post. You did a fine job of pointing out her double standard. I’m quite sure she will not understand.
Jean you sound like you are sour? That negative attitude is just poison to a relationship. That’s my interpretation. Nobody wants to change anyone. It is just coming together and giving each other what they need. Things should run a bit smoother.
If Jean sounds “sour” it is most likely because her husband has soured her with lack of love, kindness, and compassion. I totally get where she is coming from.
I personally refuse to have sex with my husband because of the way he treats me. 12 years of him being nasty and never apologizing has me DONE. The sad thing is he is a huge Bible reading, church going hypocrite.
You don’t get to treat me like garbage and then expect me to be fun in bed or even open to being sexually vulnerable when you have crushed my heart over and over and over again.
So many of these articles and blog posts across the Christian marriage boards are really pro men and demeaning to women… expecting us to just give in because the two are now one and our bodies aren’t ours anymore? If the man is not respecting the woman… there is no way God said we have to sleep with them and get them off. The men have to play their roles, as well.
Jean, I and other gents have “taken up the slack”, but still to no avail. Scriptures are clear about the importance of sex within marriage. BOTTOM LINE: Jesus said “They are no longer twain but ONE…” (Emphasis added). There are simply men and women out there who don’t believe this truth, and that is why marriages fail.
Jean, With all due respect to you and your gender, my wife had no direction in her life when we met. I have provided her with a beautiful house (which we have made into a loving home), a nice car to drive, extensive wardrobe, wonderful food on our table, two beautiful children AND provided for HER three children from a previous marriage, etc. I make every attempt to fulfill her needs, treat her with love and respect and help with the cooking, cleaning and taking care of our boys. At the end of the day, if all I want is for her to honor her vows and be intimate with her husband, I don’t believe I am asking for too much.
With all due respect Joseph, you sound like it is her “duty” to have sex with you because you buy her stuff. Also, have you considered that maybe she does not like the direction you have brought her? You sound like you are owed something and that is NOT how it works! If at the end of her day all she wants is some healthy conversation and non-sexual contact (an evening without expectations to having to satisfy your selfish sexual needs), then you should provide her that.
I tried to wait for as long as needed. But after 31 years, finding her having an affair, finding out that the no sex policy was thought up by my father for control, then going into a stress center for anger management and PTSD isues, I came home a day before I was expected to find her getting ready to go to a political dinner with a friend of my fathers. I really lost it that night, I decided she owed me 31 years. I took what was owed, then I threw my father’s friend over the rail of my porch after he would not accept me telling him to get lost and he pushed me trying to enter my house. He just about went through the grill of my father’s car.
When a man works 12 hours per day, seven days a week, 365 days a year, and has only six days off in that period of time because his father and wife feel that that man owes something to everyone else, SHE does owe in return. I hear all these women talk about how a woman does not have to have sex with their husband and owe nothing it makes me sick. I made 99.9% of the household income, I was promised things if I was able not to use my senority rights for my own reasons. I fell short on that. I did use them one time to get off second shift.
But when your wife gives herself to another man and cries you were never home but she’s the one screaming along with your father that you owed the work to people with kids, it is a betrayal. Because she is bi-polar the state won’t allow a divorce because they forced a guardianship on that husband, it is a betrayal. A man has certain rights once he has to be in that marriage. I never once cheated, I was not given the time. My father tells my counselor I have become a terror because I wouldn’t permit another man to take my wife out after a cookout. I forced him to run for his life and took his reservation. My farther slapped me for being rude. I turned very rude then and backhanded him across my kitchen.
I have one more thing to say. In my house I’m the first, last, and only authority. If my wife doesn’t like it the street is there; she can put her feet on it and pick a direction. If I had not had a spinal cord crush I would have done it last year.
Bruce, After reading your post I am shocked that you haven’t been arrested for your violent behavior. Yes, your wife was wrong for her betrayal of your wedding vows –there is no excuse for that However, that is never an excuse for physical violence. I am reasonably certain that if you appealed to the courts to release you from being your wife’s guardian and told them what you said in your last paragraph, they would be happy to release her from your care.
You need to know that if your counselor believes you’re a threat to yourself or others and/or that you have used violence against others, he is obligated by law to report you to the police.
I want to encourage you to get MORE help for yourself. Your anger is going to eat you up or it’s going to lead to something you will regret the rest of your life – maybe behind bars. Please, get back into that Stress Center and let them help you release the pain you have been carrying. Please do this for yourself, your wife, and everyone around you.
I have never taken the first swing, I was a 3rd dan black belt before my crippling, I took my wife against her wish’s yes, but do you have any idea what the costs would be to get out of the guardianship? More than I can possibly get, I didn’t want to live in a coat for the rest of my life what little there is left.
As for my violent tendancy’s, If violence is used or threatened against me they might start it but I will most certainly finish it. I will not accept that I am a second class citizen in my own home. I will not accept anymore my father telling me what I am to accept. I should have done this the first day home from the military, put everyone on notice.
For 31 years I took it in the teeth, I was forced to work holidays at the business end of a shotgun pointed at my spine. I had six days off in 31 years, because everyone thought that is what I deserved as a man, All those days were around a brain tumor being removed. If I had taken action from the get go I would not have to take it now.
(US) Well-written article and great to hear from a woman’s perspective. I need to show this to my wife, though she likely won’t act on it nor change her views, as she’s read some books on Christian marital sex I’ve bought.
Am always trying to approach her, though maybe too much. We haven’t had sex since March, and it’s driving me crazy.
(USA) I just can’t get it through my head that my wife won’t even touch me or just avoids me, let alone we haven’t had sex since the ice age. I’m so drained worrying why my wife won’t have sex with me anymore. It takes 5 minutes or less. Really a person doesn’t have time because they’re so busy, yet can go spend money shopping. I don’t get it. I need something in return, right? Why is it so difficult to cope with? No wonder why I have so many gray hairs. I treat her as a queen. Happy wife is a happy life. Well, that’s not true anymore. Any help?
(U.S.) My husband has a lot of stress at work & brings it home to me. He has had trouble with drinking and he combines pills (prescription) with alcohol and was doing pot. He got violent, damaged things, said crazy things, and had blackouts. So now he is not doing pot…drinking only one martini a day (although I think he sneaks shots of alchohol). I left when he became violent & made threats to hurt himself & others who bother him at work. I’m back to see if he has stopped & he has somewhat. He’s getting counseling and listening to tapes, but nothing controls his temper. He is mad at everything & everyone that doesn’t performs up to his standards. He constanty corrects me for everything, speaks in an angry tone no matter what he says & his body language is angry. He always wants to argue. I try to be quiet…I want peace!
He emotionally abuses me (not physically). He stuck his head through a wall, hit his fist many times in the wall, put a shirt around his neck and threatened to hurt himself…all under influence of who knows what? That’s when I left when it got to that point. He continually apologizes after a few days or weeks of being angry. He says he’s sorry and he knows he’s taking it out on me. Usually he blames it on work, sometimes on the way he was brought up. He has all the common traits of an alcoholic, but he said he always had that personality even before he started drinking.
Anyway, the problem is, I go through stages…especially when he has a long period of anger before he apologizes that I don’t want him to even touch me. I don’t feel angry, just very disapointed that he never changes. I feel his words are insincere. I have normal desires..physically. I come out of this mood after a while when he apologizes, but I’m afraid someday I’ll never come out of it. Any advice?
He always seems sincerely sorry, says he doesn’t want to be angry….he just is. How long do I give him to come out of this? We’ve only been married for 6 months. I wouldn’t have married him if I knew he had an anger problem, or an addiction problem. In fact I feel I was tricked…he said he didn’t drink & wanted a happy marriage.
Carol, How long did you date before marrying? And were there “red flags” that you didn’t pay attention to, thinking they would go away after marriage?
(U.S.) We dated 9 months. The red flags were small, explained away by him with, all the things we had to do before marriage, sale my house, out of town, his work was very stressful, changing formats of computers, planning a wedding, visiting his family. There were small tantrums over things not working right. I believed him. He said he normally wasn’t like that and went with the flow like me. I’m laid back. He said he didn’t drink… drank fake beers.
I found out he is an alcoholic. He admitted it one time & said he didn’t tell me cause I wouldn’t have dated him, although now he says he just went to AA meetings in the past so he wouldn’t become one. He admitted to having all the common traits common to alcholics but he always had those even growing up. He admitted all this after marriage.
I remember after finding out he had Irish heritage. I joked, they have tempers, oh, oh. He said sternly, does it look like I have a temper? I thought he was joking cause of his dry sense of humor. Evidently he was irritated over the comment. On our wedding day I almost backed out because he was angry in body language & words all day. But he had excuses & I dismissed it as stress. I said “I do” but felt like running away inside. I should have.
I wouldn’t have dated him if I knew he had anger or drinking problems. I think I was defrauded. I wanted a peaceful uplifting marriage on both sides. Would God excuse this marriage since I was deceived? I know he would forgive me. I wish I could get an annulment by man & God. I would appreciate Godly advice. I have a stress rash all over and have been very depressed & staying home for long periods. I forgive him …I’m not withholding sex because of anger. I have normal desires. But when he tries to touch me… I just don’t want him to right now. This has happened before. He admits he’s taking his anger out on me and says he’s sorry. It takes me a while to come around, again & again… after he’s on good behavior for a while. But what if some day I won’t come out of this? I just am closed off from him except for talking right now. He knows why its happened before. I’d appreciate comments. God bless!
Carol, This is one of those really tough calls. I’m not sure what you should do, honestly, except to say that 6 months is not a long time to be married and then consider divorce, even if you feel you were deceived. Truly, your husband needs to get more serious about anger and impulse control. If this counselor isn’t helping and its been a while that he has been going to him or her, then he needs to get a different counselor. That happens sometimes that you need to change counselors.
Also, if he’s serious about being “sorry” and wants things to work out, he needs to stop using substances. Going to AA is one of many steps. Obviously, he can’t handle substances of any kind. It’s destroying your marriage and will eventually destroy his life. He might think it helps him to handle stress, but if it contributes to that type of anger and behavior, he’s just relieving one type of stress and is adding on additional, more damaging stress –especially to you and your relationship. What you describe is not “normal” ways of handling stress. If he conducted himself at work and elsewhere like he does with you, he’d lose his job and probably be arrested. How is that working for him in de-stressing? A marriage license does not give him license to be abusive. His ways of handling and expressing anger when he is with you is abusive.
You may need to separate for a while, if he doesn’t get more serious about working on his issues. Please wipe divorce out of your thoughts right now. You need to put more energy into figuring out how to work things out, rather than dumping out. But separation is a definite option. (Just make sure that you don’t use it as a time to get friendly with anyone else and you look at it as a way to work on your marital issues with a bit of distance between you. You can read more in our “Separation and Divorce” topic.)
As far as an annulment –there isn’t a magic eraser in life where you can use it to wipe out that which needs changing. You took a terrible risk with only knowing this man for 9 months before marrying –that’s not long enough. But you did marry and now you need to put the work into this to try to work through these issues in a determined way, placing proper boundaries so abuse won’t be a continuing theme. I wish you well on this Carol. I pray the Lord helps you and guides you and gives you insight and hope for a better future.
(U.S.) Thank you. I see what you mean about separating if he doesn’t show signs of change & changing counselors if that doesn’t produce results. It seems like we were at a stand still… stuck in one place for so long. I am praying that God shows me what he is trying to teach me in this trial.
I did get a revelation about harboring anger & resentment because of my treatment. So even if he did do something nice I always saw it as trying to make up for being so bad because he always repeated the behavior again. I almost resented it… or looked at it as insincere… thinking he is so abusive & then he tries to make up with one good act & expects me to to just kiss & makeup over & over. It’s almost like saying I’m sorry but repeating again & again negative behavior.
I saw a Joyce Meyers sermon. It seemed to speak to me. She said it’s important how we handle the trial while we go through it –that God is wanting to teach us something. So I told my husband I was sorry. I realized I had anger inside & I did want to make the marriage work. That freed me and gave me at peace with myself & I think that’s what God was trying to teach me. So whatever happens I know that I am giving 100%… not holding anything back. If my husband does the same then we will succeed. If not, I will separate as you mentioned. This is an excellent idea. Thank you & God bless!
(USA) Sooo what I get out of this is… If I don’t want to do it, talk myself into doing it anyways to please my husband and God while losing myself inside.
(USA) Hello Sara, We have to remember that in marriage, everything we do in it is unto GO whether we enjoy it or not. HE doesn’t care about what our feelings say. HE only wants us to be willing and obedient. We must stop trying to operate in our marriages in the flesh. Stay encouraged Sara, because I don’t know your situation. Remember GOD will never give you a man that cannot lead and you are definitely not a woman who cannot follow. It’s all to please HIM!!
Sorry to inform you, but there are many men who do not know how to lead.
(USA) Well, the reason I’m here is I must care about what God wants and my husband wants/needs. I really struggle in this area of godly sexuality. I am beginning to think much is because of my disobedience of having sex outside marriage prior to my current marriage. I get offended when my spouse sins against me regarding sex, which turns me off from wanting sex. I pray God gives me clarity about what the core issue is. I often feel more like an object even when I try to have a godly attitude. I don’t or cannot see where the blockage is in my mind about this area! We are married and it should be okay and I should want to be with my spouse!
I am coming to see and agree this IS a real need for men and not that they or my spouse just wants to use and take advantage of me. Why is it so complicated in my mind? I wish God could cleanse my mind in regards to sexuality! Sometimes I am positive and pumped about it and it’s well, but when I really think how I feel about it I must be honest and acknowlege I don’t want to be intimate. And the conclusion why is that it feels empty, meaningless, and like an act (in my mind). Maybe my spouse really cares about me, however. Maybe he truly loves me? I struggle to believe this… especially when his actions reenforce… this area is not special. Any thoughts!?
(USA) My wife is ready to divorce me right now. We haven’t had a sex life in forever. In a recent argument, I admitted that I masterbated to relieve sexual tension. I’ve done it since I was young, and hoped to get away from it during marriage. But when my wife was pregnant with our son, all drive seemed to have been lost on her part. So what now? Counseling? Didn’t go across well. My wife is disgusted with me like I’m some sort of sicko.
(USA) Well, I have been married for 15 years to an alcaholic who uses pot regularly. When he drinks and/or smokes pot, his personality changes. Normally he is very negative, controlling and critical of everything and especially me. However, after her drinks it escalates. He talks non-stop, even when I walk away from it. He follows me to talk more.
I live with Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde. He puts on his temporary facad in front of people especially new ones, but eventually, his negative and critical side comes out. This is all the explanation I felt was necessary to state my point. I do not want to have sex with him when he is drunk. He is disgusting to me. All the negtive feelings come rushing to my head as soon as I see him. I have told him that when he can stay without drink through the day, then I will make love to him, alas to no avail.
He does want sex every day, but it seems disgusting to me to lay with him while he is drunk. Do I have to? I have stayed in the marriage because I know God hates divorce. Also, I am a coward too. Even though, thank God, I have a good job. I am scared.
(USA) I encourage you to visit a local AlAnon meeting.
(UAE) We have been married for 38 years. I was very very young, and he was as well; I suffered all the way with his irresponsibility and selfishness till now. He cheated on me many times… he still does. Due to this, our relationship has great emptiness now. I’m a very atractive woman. I’m an artist. I am the one who handles everything, from spending on the family to the smallest thing in our lives. He just helps when he can to keep himself with the family, not because of his good will. He knows if he doesn’t do that he will be thrown out.
My question is what can you tell me so I can handle the remainder of this relationship that is dead except from the outside in front of friends and other people? There is no more anything to share, but some dysfunctional stuff at home. We are getting further apart; he killed every possibility to work on the relationship with me because he got hooked on having sex with very young women. I feel he doesn’t have any love left for me but he stays in the relationship just because he doesn’t have money to survive outside the marriage. I sometimes think that he is too jealous of me… I cannot even count the bad things he has done throughout our life together; I have no idea why I kept the relationship going even though it’s not really fulfilling to both of us. I’m eager to know if there’s any solution at all.
(USA) Where is the article about husbands who withhold sex from their wives?? I’ve been married for 7 years and usually get sex about once every 2 months. I’m so sick of it. But everywhere I look someone is always on the wife about withholding. What about the husband?
If you look in the “Sexual Issues” topic you will find an article to read (with links to many others) titled, “SEX: When the Husband Doesn’t Want to Make Love.”
(USA) Thanks! I’m new to this site. If I had looked around a little bit more I would have seen that. I just became engrossed in this article and the comments.
(USA) I am desperately seeking some Christian advice on how to handle the fact that my wife’s normally low sex drive has now completely disappeared for the last 5 years. She refuses to go with me to any type of marital counseling and goes into a derogatory tirade if I do. I am in the holistic medical field and have begged her for years to let me help her but she won’t even try the nutritional/herbal protocols that I have offered. When she goes for a well woman exam with her OBGYN she won’t even bring it up as she says “she doesn’t have a problem” …except for me.
Let me quantify this: In the last 14 years she has initiated intimacy less than 8 times!!! And that was only when she had been drinking. For the last several years I have gotten so beaten down with excuses to not engage or either a “hurry up and get it over with” attitude that I have basically given up. After all how many times do you get bit by the neighbors dog before you quit trying to pet it? I’ve tried flowers, cooking, dinners, vacations… I even bought her a nice little convertible last year.
Maybe it’s just me but I am continually baffled how everyone wants to come up with a laundry list of how it is the husbands fault as listed above. “There are so many reasons why you may not want to make love to your husband with some of them being lack of desire, his cleanliness, his demanding, abusive, controlling ways, which turn you off when you consider having any loving, physical contact with him, pornography issues —either his or yours, where satisfaction is being achieved through false, sinful entertainment.” Really?? Is it always the husbands fault??
We have been married 30 years and despite a sporadic at best intimacy I have never cheated on her. And NO I am not ABUSIVE, CONTROLLING, UNCLEAN or any of the other “justified” reasons that seem to be offered above. In fact I have gone out of my way to stay in excellent physical condition. I have been approached by women and have had NUMEROUS opportunities to stray over the years, (so at least someone wants me). It’s my wife who absolutely refuses to do anything to take care of herself physically, at least for the past 15 years. She is more of a platonic room mate, who really despises me and whose life centers around watching tv till 3, 4 or 5 o’clock in the morning while getting drunk. She then sleeps till 12, 1 or later. We (the kids and I) considered an intervention several years ago but she can become EXTREMELY abusive and violent, so to be honest I figured it would be less traumatic to just suck it up.
I do not believe in divorce my marriage vows are at least one thing that I can honor God by following his commandment, but I feel like an idiot and it is a miserable existence.
Any advice from a “I’ve been there too” perspective would be greatly appreciated but please don’t give me a list of why it MAY be my fault. Thanks.
(CANADA) Jerry, it’s not your fault and it sounds like your wife has worse issues than sex. I can see that you have tried to help her by offering therapy but trust me I know how difficult that can be. She will need to “want” to help herself. Not sure how to get her there, I have been in a similar situation so I do empathize. I wish I could help, really I do. But all I have to offer is, it’s not your fault.
(GHANA) Carol, please pray. Marriage to people who don’t appreciate their partners is worst. Just keep praying for God’s guidance in this issue.
(SOUTH AFRICA) I have been married for almost a year now and my wife is not interested in sex and she doesn’t want me make love to her and it is affecting our marriage as I’m starting to pull back now and my eyes are starting to wander around. I love my wife and not making love kills everything we have together. I told her way too many times but there’s no change. What should I? do?