I’m going to approach this article a bit differently than others I’ve written. I feel a need to address both women and men on this matter, because it DOES matter. It’s a struggle, whether you’re the wife or the husband. Both feel very strongly about this part of their marriage. This article addresses the issue of when a wife doesn’t want to have sex. But it also addresses what it is like for the man to be refused.
I totally agree with something Dr Phil McGraw has said on his television program,
“Sex might not be everything but it registers higher (90 percent) on the ‘importance scale’ if it’s a source of frustration in your relationship. It is a gigantic issue, if your sex life is unfulfilled. On the other hand, couples that have satisfying sex lives rate sex at only 10 percent on the ‘importance scale.'” (From Ten Relationship Myths)
For both husband and wife, it’s a huge problem if they aren’t in agreement.
First: To The Husband Whose Wife Doesn’t Want Sex
I can’t even start to know the frustration you’re experiencing. I’ve listened to men (and my own husband) as they’ve voiced their anxiety and grief and utter angst over this issue. However, because I’m not a man, I don’t really understand it in the same way another man would.
So, when I came across a series of articles written by Paul Byerly, and I saw the value of what Paul has written, I determined to let him address this issue from a man’s perspective. He and his wife Lori have a wet site called The Marriage Bed. Paul knows what he is talking about on this issue.
So men, please read the following series of articles posted on The-generous-husband.com web site (you may even want to question him about this matter):
• WHY WIVES SAY NO TO SEX, AND WHAT A MAN CAN DO ABOUT IT
And then here are two great articles written by Sheila Wray Gregoire on this same issue. Sheila addresses husbands, helping them to figure out why she doesn’t like sex in the first place. And then what to do about it. We encourage you to read these articles (and comments posted below it). Sheila does a great job in explaining things:
• FOR THE GUYS: When Your Wife Hates Sex
• 10 QUESTIONS TO ASK IF YOUR WIFE DOESN’T WANT SEX
— ADDITIONALLY —
Neil Black wrote the following articles, which you may find helpful:
• HELP! MY WIFE DOESN’T WANT SEX
• HELP! MY WIFE DOESN’T WANT SEX – Part 2
I hope men find the above series of articles, from both Paul Byerly and Neil Black, helpful!
Next: For Wives Who Do Not Want to Have Sex:
I realize that this is a complex issue for the wife who is denying her husband, as well. There are so many reasons why you may not want to make love to your husband. Some of these reasons may be lack of desire, his cleanliness, his demanding, abusive, controlling ways, which turn you off when you consider having any physical contact with him. And then there are pornography issues —either his or yours. Satisfaction is being achieved through false, sinful entertainment. We deal with many of those issues in other topics of this web site. Please search for them.
There’s also busyness, where you’re too tired to make love to your husband because of the demands of children, job obligations, household chores, etc. There are so many reasons why a wife may want to say no to having sex with her husband. Lori Byerly, of The Generous Wife web site wrote a blog addressing this issue, that you may find insightful. I sure did —probably because I have had to make similar decisions:
• THE SEX QUESTIONS — WHEN SHE SAYS NO
These issues are also addressed within other topics on this web site. Please seek and you will find. It’s not that they will give instant answers, or every answer; they won’t. But I believe you will find inspiration and at least some help to make changes that are needed in intimately connecting with your marriage partner.
Past Abuse Nightmares
Also, there is the problem of past abuse from other men and how it may be haunting you today. When your husband touches you it sends off memory triggers. These triggers may remind you of the horrible hurt you went through earlier in life. It may also have stripped your desire to have even a loving husband touch you.
I can relate. I’ve been there and have worked through that extremely difficult situation.
I write a bit about it in the article:
• WHEN PAST SEXUAL ABUSE AFFECTS A MARRIAGE’S INTIMACY
If this is what you are dealing with, there’s also a few other articles you may want to read:
• SEXUAL OBSTACLES: Healing an Emotional Wound
There may be other issues, such as addictions, and bitterness over marriage situations. Just so you know, we have articles on those issues on this web site, as well.
But whatever it is, please work on it.
They say, “Whoever wants sex the least has the most power in bed.” That seems to be true. If a lot of withholding is going on, there is a power struggle going on and the bedroom is “a lousy place for a battle of the will.”
I agree that there are seasons where we need to work on issues pertaining to our sex life together. But when it drags on to more than a “season” then there are problems. The Bible tells us,
“The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and like-wise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.“ (1 Corinthians 7:3-5)
You had to have known that before you married that it isn’t good to deprive one another. Being intimate and exclusive with each other is all part of being married. If you wanted to withhold having sex with your spouse, you shouldn’t have married.
Perhaps you have changed in your libido or your desire.
Keep in mind that marriage is not all about you. This is a partnership. And just like your husband needs to work with you on compromises, you need to work with him on compromises too.
But be careful in how you do this. Don’t just lay there and let him be intimate with you, while you pout and think, “just get it over with.” That won’t satisfy your husband (or you) either. Marriage is about giving. It is stated throughout the Bible, that it’s more blessed to give than to receive. We’re also told to serve one another, with a good heart. Jesus was our ultimate example in being a servant. As we’re told in Philippians 2 we’re to, “have this same attitude as Christ Jesus.“
You know deep in your heart if you’re being difficult with your husband. You also should know that you’re asking more of him than you should if you keep rejecting him sexually. And yet you’re expecting him to be celibate because you also expect him to stay faithful in all ways.
Yes, he should stay faithful.
That’s what God expects of him too. But if you are not being intimate with him if he wants and needs you, you’re putting temptation in front of him. You’re putting him in a corner where he can feel trapped. He can’t be intimate with you and yet he has needs. A life sentence of celibacy can be a frightening life for someone who needs that connection with the one he loves and wants. His sexual desires won’t quit plaguing him, just because you say no.
I have to admit that there have been times when I didn’t “want it” when my husband approached me. There was even a LONG period of time when I was dealing with past sexual issues where I denied my husband. I now know that I was wrong in what I did and what I expected of him. I know I didn’t have to to meet his every need when I was hurting so deeply inside. But I needed help to get past the mental torture I was experiencing, and it was wrong of me not to get it. We didn’t have to stay stuck in that place for so long.
My husband pleaded with me and I just looked the other way thinking, “He just needs to control himself. He should understand how painful this is for me.”
A Time for Everything
Yes, it wouldn’t have been too much to ask my husband to “control himself” for a period of time while I was in the depths of therapy. And yes, as my marital partner, he should understand (to a certain degree) how painful this was for me. But I took it way beyond reasonable. Steve really COULDN’T understand my reactions or the depth of my pain. And even if he tried to understand (which he did), I still needed professional help to work through my issues. And then we could work together on ours so this wasn’t something that would go on and on without an end in sight.
I was being unreasonable in my expectations of him. He married me in good faith that we would be marriage partners. Yet I was withdrawing an important connection in that partnership. And whether it was because of past abuse or whatever, it was not reasonable for me to ask my husband to stay pure and not be with me either. I feel that is true in most marriages (unless there are untreatable physical reasons).
Work on your issues.
If there are treatable physical, emotional, or whatever reasons why you can’t get together, please work on them. Don’t deny your spouse and sentence him to a life without you or anyone else. He wants you and no one else. Please work on your issues.
If the reason you can’t be with him is because of physical pain or because of some other physical reason, then work with doctors on this. If it truthfully can’t be medically resolved, then look for other ways to satisfy him. But do it with a good attitude. And if you can’t do things in a “conventional” method because of physical limitations, then find ways to satisfy each other in other ways. Be creative.
The important thing is that you are together, as a man and wife. Just don’t allow any other human being to be involved with both of you (either physically or visually), in your time together. This is YOUR time to be together. Please don’t ask your husband to lead a celibate life if that is not what he desires.
There was a long, long (unreasonably long) season where I pulled back from being intimate with my husband. Eventually, I woke up and realized that I had a good guy that I married. He didn’t deserve to be another victim to what had happened to me in the past. I sought for, and received the emotional help I needed to work through my issues. We eventually came together, and have loved on each other since.
Helpful Resources:
There have been a few dry spells, even after I dealt with my past, where I haven’t wanted it as much as my husband desired. The book, Sacred Sex: A Spiritual Celebration of Oneness in Marriage
God showed me I am not to deny my husband when he needs to be close to me, whenever it is possible. Yes, some times I fall into bed exhausted or I’m not feeling well, and then it happens; he approaches me. But instead of totally denying him, I either offer a “quickie” or ask him if we can be together at another time. (And I make sure it’s soon.) My husband is a reasonable man and that has worked for us.
But what if you don’t feel like it?
If it’s just because I don’t “feel like it” —even then, I offer the same. But most of the time, even if I don’t feel like it, I’ve learned to pray. I ask God to give me the desire. There is a spiritual component involved, when my husband and I are intimate together.
I’ve had times where I’ve started out with NO desire to make love to my husband when he has needed it. But eventually, I’m totally into it as I pray and concentrate on lavishing him with love, coming from a heart filled with the love of God. I’m enjoying loving my husband as much as he is in loving me. Making love then becomes TOTALLY satisfying and enjoyable. I never knew that God would answer that type of prayer, but He does!
Here’s a quote from Sheila Wray Gregoire to consider:
How often have you done this? You’re lying in bed, feeling guilty, wondering, ‘Is he expecting something tonight?’ And then your brain goes into overdrive. ‘Do I feel like it? I don’t know. Is he due? How many days has it been, anyway? If we start right this moment, how many hours of sleep will I still get?’ If you had started making love in the beginning, the silly thing is, you’d be asleep by now! We women often forget that our sex drives are primarily in our brains.
“Unlike for our husbands, arousal usually comes after you start making love, not before. But instead of jumping in, we tend to overanalyze things. Tonight, silence all those thoughts running through your head, and just decide, I am going to feel good, and I am going to feel close to my husband! When you are mentally excited about having sex, your whole body tends to follow. So stop thinking so much, and start doing!”
I hope what I’m writing here helps in some way. I know that there are circumstances where we just don’t want it. And most husbands have those times too. But please make it your mission to work on whatever it is that’s blocking the way of intimately connecting with your marriage partner in this way.
In closing:
Please prayerfully consider something that was written in the above mentioned book, Intimate Issues:
“Making the right decision is never easy but there are benefits to adopting the right attitude. When we choose to love selflessly, we honor God, we make our husbands happy, and we find more pleasure in our lovemaking.
“Dying to self is difficult, but it is necessary if you want to grow in godliness. Being godly means having a godly attitude. Godly attitudes result in godly actions, such as giving your body to your husband. This is easier if you surrender to God and allow His Spirit to work within you. ‘Nothing is impossible with God‘ (Luke 1:37, NIV). God is able to give you desire where none existed before. He can help you exchange wrong thinking with godly thinking. And God can cause you to enjoy deeper intimacy than you ever thought possible.
“God, I confess that I have not always appreciated Your gift of sex —or even wanted it. I have shunned You and withheld my body from my husband. Forgive me. I want to be a willing and creative lover —but it’s hard. Please stir up in me passion and desire for my husband. help me get my mind off myself to You and humbly ask that You begin now to work in me.”
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.
Filed under: Sexual Issues
(USA) I have been married for 24 years this summer, and I no longer want sex at all. It has been fading for several years. My DH wants it daily. I don’t want it. I provide for him, even though I no longer have any desire. However, it does not make him happy, as I don’t care for it. I can orgasm, and I do, but I don’t even want the orgasm. I find the act just too much work to be enjoyed. He gets his sex 3-4 times per week. Still not enough. I, personally, feel disgusted and used because he wants it so much, and he can’t understand why I don’t.
Men have sex to relieve stress. They say it makes their stress just float away. It makes mine climb. So I provide and take on the stress so he can be relieved. They don’t (no matter what anyone says) do it as a way to feel close to their mate. If so, there would be no before marriage sex, no rapes, no child molesting, etc. They do it because it feels good. Yes, he cuddles after, but we all know it’s because he got his way. If men really wanted us to feel good, they would pay more attention, as a gender, to what women want and need. This will NEVER happen.
I have been married 24 years, I love my husband dearly, he is my best friend, and I would give my life for his, but I am just being honest. Men use sex just as much as they say women do. They say we withhold for power? I’ve never done that. That seems a little too contrived. However, he has pointed out to me several times that he doesn’t get what he wants, and he pouts and cops an attitude and won’t talk to me (I don’t pout after giving it). That’s also using sex, but men don’t see that, do they?
God said to honor, cherish, forsake all others, until death do us part. Where is the honor and cherish part? I see posts on here for people leaving because of lack of sex? Really? If we choose to, we can relieve ourselves. I don’t do that, either. No need to. So, marriage is sacred, as long as the man gets his way? Seems one-sided to me.
By the way, I’m still married to my wonderful man, still provide what I can, and still plan to stay that way. I’m just sick of people telling us females it is all our fault. Life is what it is.
(USA) Mischelle40, You may be honest about how you feel, but you engage in a logical fallacy if you are arguing that because a small minority of men rape and molest children, that all men do not feel closer to their wives because of a sex life.
If that’s true, then this argument would also be true. Because some mothers kill their children, mothers really do not feel close their children, contrary to what they say.
Just as you cannot judge all mothers on the actions of someone like Andrea Yates, you cannot judge the motives of men based on the actions of a small sample of rapists and child molesters.
I feel sorry for both you and your husband based on the faulty judgments you’ve presented here. I know you didn’t ask, but I advise you stick to what you know best, and that’s how you feel. When you delve into judging the motives of others, you demonstrate a genuine lack of understanding.
(S.AFRICA) Mischelle40, At Last someone has explained how I feel to the T. I too love my husband and provide for him sexually even though I no longer have the desire. Yes so true – it is never enough for him. Where do my needs fit in here? No wonder I feel used. All “one sided”? – Certainly! Us women are sick of taking all the blame.
(CANADA) I guess men AND women have sex at different times for different reasons. Sometimes it is a biological urge (like when I’m ovulating) sometimes it’s to feel close (when I’m lonely), sometimes it is to please him and show him my love (like when he is very romantic and I can feel in my soul his love for me). Sex is a complicated thing. Society says that “women” look like Demi Moore and even though I don’t, most men will sleep with me if I treat them nicely enough. What I do agree with, is that it is really annoying that many men have this biological urge more regularly than we do. very annoying, I agree. But we cannot change it. They are happy with practical things and they don’t understand that we are not.
I’ve been married to a Bi polar woman for 32 years. I got caught in an evil family dynamic. My own father convinced my sick wife that after I got out of the navy, for my own good and to make me a better man, I was to be denied sex until I could prove that I’d be able to compromise and hold my temper. I was also not to use my senority rights to take shifts, that a son or daughter of one of my father’s friends wanted, summer vacations they might want, jobs they might want, in other words the idea of compromise was not a meeting halfway, but lay down and be a door mate. Don’t have any of my fathers friends run to him and tell him at any time how his son caused them to miss a date or a family Christmas or New years party and I was not supposed to even want to be able to take my own wife out. I was to do my job and shut my trap.
After I discovered her in an affair, because I was required to be other places is why she said she did it. I was placed in a stress center for anger management for two weeks. When I came home she had just dressed to go out to some function with a friend of my fathers.
At that point I put my foot down. I said you denied me for 31 years then let another man have what is my due. I am the one to house you, I fed you most of the time, I bought these clothes you’re wearing to go with yet another man. I said you owe a 31 year note and it’s due tonight. She took off for the door and I said I’m keeping the dress and ripped it off of her. She retreated into the living room. I followed. She said he’ll be here soon; it will be two or three hours tops. I will meet you any where you say. You can even wait at the door for me and we’ll talk this out and I will explain everything.
Again I said no, I said you’re just wearing heels, a garter belt, and stockings and nothing else. You’re planning something more. Well he can have you after I’m finished. She said please not like this as I hauled her to the floor. After I was done I said you can go get ready now. She went to the phone and called my father. Him and my mother were coming over. The guy she was going out with tried to push me out of his way to enter my house. I guess the anger management did not take. He ended the day face first into the cement drive.
I am being told that my reactions to things this last year have been way out of line. But when a man gets pushed into his final corner he either dies or comes out fighting. It’s not my nature to die without a good fight first.
(USA) You know… I am a Christian, and I “get” what you’re saying -BUT -you have completely minimized the women’s perspective. I didn’t have a low libido when I married my husband, but I have one now. According to you, I just have to suck it up, get him off and push through it with “love and prayer.” I wasn’t standing at the altar, reciting my vows, making a holy covenant before God, and snickering behind my veil thinking, “Dear, new husband, you will be forced into celibacy before our ten year anniversary! I trapped you, now!”
You view this as a one-sided problem -MINE! Most of my low libido is a result of his failure to meet my emotional needs. But his contribution to “MY” problem doesn’t matter, apparently. Thank you for further invalidating an already broken heart. It’s just like people to point to Scripture and shove it in your face as a “YOU” problem. Nothing like taking the heat off the husband! Shove this Scripture and that Scripture in her face, make her feel even more guilty and insufficient and she’ll be begging your forgiveness and slipping into those sheets, eagerly. NO! NO! NO! You want to empathize with the man, and victimize HIM -when sometimes he’s the perpetrator of the problem.
Dear Kristin, Hi, I am not an all wise, all knowing woman. But I do know some things for sure and my eyes are wide open when it comes to relationships, especially women-men relationships. So please read this comment carefully. I also hope that as many other frustrated women as possible will read this. You may copy what I wrote, that is, if it is okay with the site owners. Then you will be able to read it later and spread the message to other females. We must be strong and stand together and pray, because there is something evil going on in this country and around the world. Men have become lovers of themselves and are blaming us for their sins.. there is a frightening movement that is out to destroy women and separate us from the love of God. Read on:
We live in a world that is dominated by men. Men control everything and have all the power in money, status, strength, assets, position, class, etc. Yes they do! Women have lower and less of everything than men. Men know this and use this. Read on:
Adam was formed first and the disciples and religious leaders were all men. Pastors, priests, ministers, were and are men, even the ones who molested those boys. You all with me: Read on. Men began making rules that allowed for punishment and scorn of women, when women did hardly anything wrong. Every now and then a woman may have gone down a wrong path. But no more than men. Men got by with their sins. Women were raped, tortured, stoned, disowned, sold as property, given labels such as, slut, whore, jezebel, and other names, for committing the same sins as men, who by the way went unpunished. Isn’t that interesting? Read on:
So men made all the rules. Women made no rules and were not permitted to speak, or to have a voice and opinion. Women in men’s eyes, were only for only having babies, cooking, cleaning, and being used for sex. The poor women already had to deal with female body issues, such as monthly cramps, periods, dicharge, menopause, harmones, etc. Life was hard for a women then. Read on:
So now here we are today and we have the internet and other media where men continue to exploit and objectify women. They brainwash those of us who are weak. Those of us who speak out, such as myself, are called uptight, got a hang up, men-hater, troll, lonely, unloved, and many other anti women names. But I continue to try to spread the word to women, so that we realize that we have power if we use our voices and speak. We must speak out because we are tired of being scolded, blamed, and objectified by men.
To sum up my message. I want to tell women everywhere, that we are to not remake or change ourselves for any man. Get close to your mother. You do not need to be a daddy’s girl anymore than you are a mommy’s girl. You see that this the beginning of wroshipping men. We as women were made to be different from men. There is notheng wrong with you if you are not interested in sex all the time. You are a woman who was wondrously and marvelously made. It is up to the man to be a loving leader and make sex worth your while. He is the one who needs and wants sex. He is to love and make love to you, not scold you for your being a woman. Stop kissing up to him, stop exalting him, stop bragging on him, until he realizes that he must do the same for you. There is a balance that is needed. You are not validated by your daddy, husband or any man.
Women, you are vital and important. Don’t tear other women down. Support your sisters. Help other women. Lift other women up. Pray that God will help men to be loving men and not weak, sex driven cheaters who blame women.
That’s hilarious… who are you anyway? I think you got on the wrong site. You are on a Christian site where couples (you know men and women, husbands and wives) are trying to get help to be Godly husband’s or wives. It’s hard, but worth the effort. I would not want to be the person on judgement day that pointed a lot of people in the wrong direction. It really sounds like you were probably hurt or abused and have decided men are the enemy. See a counselor and get over yourself. P.S. Don’t get into a serious relationship before you work out all these anger issues… you will only be unhappy and blame it on someone else.
Jean, I think your tinfoil hat is on too tight.
I have read through these comments and I feel sad to say many are missing the point here. I have been married for 8 years, been together with my husband for 12years. And we struggle with the same for years. Well at least, in my case I am not withholding his sex on purpose. It truly is not something I think about 24-7 and that is why I don’t even recall the last time we were intimate. I think might be a month ago.
To my husband it’s the end of the world. He constantly tells me I have something wrong with me for not desiring to have sex. This made me think. So now I am constantly questioning all my motives. This is havoc for me all because of his words. He slandered to me that there is something wrong. This has become such a huge stronghold and till today I don’t know the reason. And it’s not past abuse that’s makes me act this way. I started really digging deep, asking why? Why is being intimate with him not a Biggy for me?
The truth of the matter, and this is to all men, you stopped making her feel like a woman. Be it in deed, action, or words. Your wife does not feel like a woman, so in short she will not do or act as a woman should by giving herself to her husband. No matter how much stuff you buy, how many times you clean house, walk the dog, do dishes, it’s all about how she feels next to your side. Does she truly feel like a woman?
There is no medical reason for this, never mind what expert say. The fact is this and only this. She does not feel like a woman. No woman is attracted to any man who makes her feel like a child or incompetent. Hear me clearly, no woman is attracted, no matter how much stuff you do for her, you can bring her the moon, but if you have lost how to make her feel like a woman again, nothing will work. Try it and see, if she will not resume intimacy within a week of changing how you see your wife. I bet ya she will, but sadly too many men are too self-centered to attempt this.
Yet the same goes for the man. Let me take what you wrote and put it in his perspective. To my wife it’s no big deal. She constantly tells me I have something wrong with me for wanting to have sex. This made me think. So now I am constantly questioning all my motives. This is havoc for me, all because of her words and inaction. She slandered to me that there is something wrong with me for feeling this way. This has become such a huge stronghold and till today I don’t know the reason. And it’s not past abuse, or porn, or any defect that’s makes me act this way. I started really digging deep, asking why? Why is being emotionally close with her not a Biggy for me?
The truth of the matter, and this is to all women, you stopped making him feel like a man. Be it in deed, action, or words. Your husband does not feel like a man, so in short he will not do or act as a man should by giving himself emotionally to his wife. No matter how much stuff you buy, how many times you clean house, walk the dog, do dishes, it’s all about how he feels next to your side. Does he truly feel like a man? It goes both ways.
I am not going to criticize anyone for their views as expressed above, though I will say that I can identify with Jerry who posted back in February 2013.
I have been married for 21 years, and have been forced into celibacy since November 2005 (the past 7 years and 9 months). I think our problem began after my job forced me to travel for 2-3 weeks at a time without returning home. My wife simply got used to me not being home, and when I came home she complained that it disrupted her routine. When I was home, she was not interested in sex. Despite having a healthy sex drive, I have never been unfaithful, abusive, unclean or any of the other issues many of you have complained about.
I have become very frustrated, and my wife knows this. At first she tried to plan on having sex on a particular day and would try to create a relaxed, intimate mood. I sensed this and tried to respond, but her anxiety level was so high that she could not reciprocate. After several of these episodes the frustration we both felt was so bad that we stopped trying. I persuaded her to see a medical doctor, and she was humiliated and embarrassed in having to answer the doctor’s questions. The doctor ran tests, and concluded there was nothing medically wrong. I then tried to get her to agree to seeing a counselor together, but she refuses to do that.
Having no other recourse (I view divorce as a last resort), I have gotten involved in other activities and pursued a graduate degree. However, the frustration has just gotten worse, and we have grown so far apart we have difficulty finding something to talk about. Also, I have become quick to anger, not only towards her but other people I encounter and do not even know.
My wife has tried to keep all of this secret from family, because the idea or illusion of having a marriage is all that is left. However, her family can sense tension in me, and they assume I have a problem. I’ve always been a good provider, until very recently when I lost my job. I have never been unemployed, but cannot find a job near our home. So I’m applying for jobs in other states, realizing we will probably have to sell our home. She, however, is not willing to move. However, I realize now that the marriage ended long ago – around seven years ago -so I’m really not concerned if she follows or not. At this point, I am 55, lonely, unemployed and frustrated. So, constructive change is long overdue.
In closing, my view is that sex is an important part of marriage that requires total trust and giving of yourself to your spouse. Neither party should withhold for prolonged periods without talking openly and resolving the problem. My wife is not able to talk openly to me, her sister, her priest or her physician due to insecurity and at this point a very tormented mind. Sex is more mental than physical, and if there is trust and love, the act of making love should not be burdensome. At least for me, it was not -and I hope will not be in the future.
After reading this article and comments, which were helpful by the way, I felt the need to comment and tell my story. I have been married to my wife for 1 year now. It’s my second marriage, and by far, I am much happier. She is an amazing woman, and I couldn’t be luckier.
Soon after dating, I noticed that she would withdrawal when I asked for sex. I never pressured her, or made her feel like she had to. At first, I wouldn’t tell her of my disappointment. But now, when she asks if I am, I tell her the truth. Recently, she became irritated when I said I was disappointed we weren’t having sex. I feel bad that I tell the truth when it makes her angry.
The problem is this: she’s a very beautiful woman, and is very sexy. She’s sexy in the morning, during the day and at night. I find her very attractive, but I don’t think that she sees me the same way anymore. I treat her like my queen. I help her in any way I can; doing laundry, dishes, the yard work, running errands, babysitting… you name it, and I do it. I also give her her space, and don’t do everything for her. We share in the jobs around the house, and I feel we are equal in that.
Most of the time, she’s too tired to have sex. And I get that. But, I still get frustrated, and it’s hard to hide sometimes. We are both 42. The way I see it is that eventually, my sex drive will go away, so why not be intimate with her while I can? None of my feelings towards her are forced; they are completely natural.
My last marriage had virtually no sex life. It happened days after we got married. Sex isn’t everything to me, but it’s important to a marriage, I believe. If we didn’t have that kind of intimacy, why get married? I could just live with her, and share everything but that. I do not want to have another marriage like that. I was made to feel so small and unimportant. After 7 years of devotion to my wife, she left me.
And, contrary to comments before me, I do have sex to feel closer to my wife. I don’t use sex as just a stress reliever.
I’m trying to get better with this. I am sometimes made to feel like a pervert who wants sex all the time, and doesn’t try to understand her feelings.
Hi Chris. Not sure if I can help, but in case you did not know, women are (generally) detail-oriented creatures who see things very different than men. A woman has to be mentally-aroused before she feels like having sex. Therefore, a host of things could be attacking her thoughts and keeping her from getting those desires.
I don’t mean to oversimplify, but for the sake of clarity, here’s a list of potential issues: husband’s body hygiene, husband’s inability to listen/understand wife’s opinions (about anything), husband fails to recognize wife’s “love language” (i.e., gifts or kind words or touch or acts of kindness or quality time), wife’s rebellious spirit, wife’s unforgiveness, wife’s low self-esteem, financial instability, wife’s emotional attachment to other men/cheating, wife may think sex is unholy or unclean, wife may not know how to accept husband’s advances, wife may not like the various positions used during sex, wife may need a lot of romance/foreplay to get ‘in the mood’, wife may not know who to de-stress from daily life, etc.
When all else fails, the issue may be spiritual. Don’t mean to get too heavy, but a lot of women AND men need deliverance from things/people with which they have made spiritual/emotional/physical covenants. Marriage is the expressed image of God’s love in the earth so it’s no wonder there is such an evil bombardment against its success. That’s part of the reason why it is so easy to have sex in dating relationships while marriage relationships struggle. If you want a real-life example of what I’m talking about, watch emmanuel.tv online where you’ll see people being freed on a daily basis from ‘spiritual husbands and spiritual wives’. God bless and all the best.
Not married yet. Engaged to be. You know I can see myself as a woman struggling with this issue in my upcoming marriage. I’m trying not to be discouraged by what I’ve read but it’s hard not to. I’m younger and more inexperienced than the rest of you but I wonder if there isn’t some point being missed here. Please anyone correct me if I’m wrong in anything. I appreciate it.
In the scripture husbands are instructed to love their wives and wives are instructed to respect their husbands. Why the different directions? Is it because the two halves have to work to do a better job in different areas? I feel as bride to be it’s important for my man to know that I respect him. I’m tempted not to and there is a reason for that. Our adversary wants it that way. It would destroy our relationship if I give into that sin or let it take over my feelings…or if I let it happen and refused to repent. Just as our relationship would suffer if my husband to be merely went about respecting me as society told him too but didn’t choose to love me as I need to be loved.
As it has been said…communication, mutual effort are important. I can see that. I feel that there is a guarantee though that if something is wrong the problem lays with both and never just one person. I’m not blaming men, I’m not blaming women. I’m not blaming anyone. Merely stating that I think responsibility is yours if you claim it. And when I say my vows I’m expecting to claim that responsibility.
As a young woman who recognizes that I have faults and that this could potentially be a problem for me I want to do my best to prevent a problem in our future. I have issues with being affectionate and concerned that I can never match my fellow’s passion. But perhaps the solution is not in comparing myself to him, but being content with how I do feel… Why should the men or women try to feel something they don’t? Some of my greatest contentment is from making him happy.
I really enjoyed reading your article. I just wanted to say thank you for taking the time to put this up. My wife and I have been married for 5 years now and things are starting (have been now for a while) to slow down drastically. I don’t know how to respond, I love my wife too much to move on but like you said I feel like I’m in a corner sometimes. When we do make love she just has the get it over with attitude. It’s really becoming depressing very quickly. Anyways, thank you for your story, I don’t feel alone with this anymore…
If more women went the extra mile in resolving serious issues that cause many women to withhold sex from their husbands, I guarantee the divorce rate would be in the low single digits. Good for you and your husband! He has found the good wife mentioned in proverbs.
Yes, most times it’s the women that sabotage the marital arrangement because they fail to seek help for what ails them. In my wife’s case, she had bouts of frequent endometriosis which pretty much is as serious pain besides childbirth as any woman can get.
Bless her heart she had various operations and took years to resolve and I credit her for pulling through. On the other hand she had mental hang ups that she never sought help for that absolutely was the deathbed of our marriage and unfortunately we have decided to part ways on account of that.
All I know is without sex with the wife I love just makes everything in life seem pointless.
I think my marriage is dead because of this. Been fighting to save it for eight years, I have no fight left in me anymore. I can’t take a passionless marriage anymore.
My wife gained over 100 pounds. We have not had sex in nearly 3 years. She has no interest in it. I don’t find her attractive anymore. We’ve been married for almost 26 years. l’m pretty certain I could at least find a roommate that would give me a handjob.
Troy, I can understand your frustration and the pain of having a wife who does not want to have sex with you. As a man, I know this can tear at the very fiber of who we are. I am not a counselor or a theologian, so what I have to share with you comes from one guy to another guy – from what I’ve learned in my 42 years of marriage.
I have no idea how loving and affirming you’ve been to your wife over the past few years – if you’ve told her it doesn’t matter how much weight she gains – that you love her, and cherish her; or that you will only have eyes and desire for her. See, our wives need to KNOW that no matter what – out love and desire for them will never change.
I do know what 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 tells us: “The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same same way, a husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
I’m sorry, Troy, that your wife is not living up to her responsibility. And it may be difficult to get her to see and realize her responsibility. But her disobedience does not give you license to “at least find a roommate that would give me a hand job.”
Please be a “vow keeper” and a man of integrity. The more you demonstrate love to your wife -regardless of her behavior- the greater the likelihood she will realize what she is doing and be more likely to also realize HER need to change. Do not give in to Satan’s temptation to pull you away from your love and commitment to your wife (“For better or worse; in sickness and in health, for as long as we both shall live”).
Allowing your husband to have sex with you is giving…whether you just lay there or not. I am not trying to “be difficult” as the article claims…that’s just what I do during sex as it’s simply not something I get into (nor do I want to encourage fleshly desires in my heart or head, married or not). But bottom line is I’m trying to give my husband his due as it says to do in the Bible…if I was trying to be difficult we’d have no sexual contact. Big difference.
This is not giving trust me. This is only opening up a door to resent him later. No woman should sleep with her husband, just because she must give in. This is not how God intended it to be. If you feel like this as a woman, this must be an indication that something is wrong. Something needs healing, or fixing, or just a good talk about it, is needed.
I have read through these comments and I feel sad to say many are missing the point here. I have been married for 8 years, been together with my husband for 12years. And we struggle with the same for years. Well at least, in my case I am not withholding his sex on purpose. It truly is not something I think about 24-7 and that is why I don’t even recall the last time we were intimate. I think might be a month ago.
To my husband it’s the end of the world. He constantly tells me I have something wrong with me for not desiring to have sex. This made me think. So now I am constantly questioning all my motives. This is havoc for me all because of his words. He slandered to me that there is something wrong. This has become such a huge stronghold and till today I don’t know the reason. And it’s not past abuse that’s makes me act this way. I started really digging deep, asking why? Why is being intimate with him not a Biggy for me?
The truth of the matter, and this is to all men, you stopped making her feel like a woman. Be it in deed, action, or words. Your wife does not feel like a woman, so in short she will not do or act as a woman should by giving herself to her husband. No matter how much stuff you buy, how many times you clean house, walk the dog, do dishes, it’s all about how she feels next to your side. Does she truly feel like a woman?
There is no medical reason for this, never mind what expert say. The fact is this and only this. She does not feel like a woman. No woman is attracted to any man who makes her feel like a child or incompetent. Hear me clearly, no woman is attracted, no matter how much stuff you do for her, you can bring her the moon, but if you have lost how to make her feel like a woman again, nothing will work. Try it and see, if she will not resume intimacy within a week of changing how you see your wife. I bet ya she will, but sadly too many men are too self-centered to attempt this.
Sometimes it’s him, sometimes it’s her. My ex-wife had no problem having an affair. I didn’t beat her, or cheat her. I tried to engage her emotionally, spiritually as well as physically.
Sometimes it’s the man whose approach is wrong, sometimes it’s the woman.
Sometimes a man can do most things right and still get no where, or worse, be betrayed by the one who vowed to be there with him, in good times and bad.
It’s not a gender issue, it’s a character issue. Folks with weak or bad character come in both genders. Not just male, not just female.
Self centered again. If he makes me feel, if he makes ME this, if he does that for ME, if he X to ME then Y. Women want things in their terms, always. The house the woman wants, the car the woman wants, the way we’re supposed to treat them like if there was a book, or we should already know. Fail in 1 thing, and you’re 1 bad husband, and drama comes in.
We men are supposed to go to work, come back to the house, clean, do laundry, take care of the kids, help with other house chores, clean the kitchen, the bathroom, do the dishes and sometimes cook. And keep a little energy for maybe some intimate time, and not even get a kiss. Not even receive tenderness, and not to mention Sex, that is away of the deal.
I once heard women didn’t know what they wanted; now I know what they want. THEM, that is all they care about. The only good thing I got in my marriage, is my baby boy. And I’m staying there just because I want to be near him every day. But marriage… my fear of the Lord prevents me from cursing it.
I agree with you, it’s just when we do have sex, I feel as though it was a waste. I get this extreme high of euphoria and then hours later or the next day I’m like why Did I give it to him? He’s just back to his old ways leaving me more resentful towards him. I’m also 4 months pregnant too :-)
I have a serious problem. On the 7th year of my marriage I realised my husband cheated on me. That on its own broke my heart. I was traumatized and was hospitalised. My whole body swelled from the trauma. We talked. Since then, I don’t trust him, nor love him. I thought marriage was sacred and was between two people. I had kept myself for years and years because I was hoping to have a good man. Therefore, I am struggling to have sex with him… I don’t like it anymore.
Hello, I understand all women are to satisfy men but it makes me feel some type of way to lay down and hand my body over to my husband when he is not treating me right! I know he has it in him because he treats his mother, sister, G-ma and friends with all the deepest kindness in the world but I catch his wrath! My husband gets furious when I say no to him! I mean we will stay mad at each other for like a day because I said NO earlier. I think it’s a selfish act on his behalf because he never looks into why I’m telling him no. It’s because I’m hurting from something he did to me.
Normally when I give in to him, even during my hurt, he uses it as an escape route and pushes what he has done under the rug! I’m starting to not be attracted to him anymore after 8 years because of his anger! He has a strong temper that has me on egg shells holding to not make him mad! I don’t know….I want to leave him sometimes because I’m not happy but I fear I’ll miss him too badly or the kids will become different without his presence!
Keisha, You’re right in wanting your husband to treat you better. He should. And it’s truly understandable why you wouldn’t want to make love to a marital “partner” who isn’t treating you in a loving manner. But please find ways to respectfully tell him why you don’t want to make love to him. Don’t assume that he should ask or should know. Men can be clueless on these types of matters –they’re good at compartmentalizing things in their lives and don’t connect the dots, quite often, unless someone helps them to do so.
Women are clueless on other matters, pertaining to men –especially in thinking that just because something makes sense to us, it should make sense to them. And just because his logic makes sense to him, it doesn’t mean that it makes sense to us. We’re different that way. And “different” isn’t necessarily bad, it’s just different. So you go with the differences and make them work for you, instead of uselessly trying to continue to fight it.
You’re holding in a lot of emotional “stuff” … stuff that is building up and will eventually cause you to explode and do things that you shouldn’t. You need to somehow get some of that stuff out (in a healthy way). I love a lot of what T.D. Jakes preaches on men and women. Please go onto You Tube and put the word “T D Jakes marriage communication” in there and see all the choices that will pop up for you to view. And at another time put, “T D Jakes marriage counseling” in there. Watch and listen to what he says about the differences. It may take you days to do this, but it’s important. And then apply what he says. I think it will help a lot. It’s sure better than the route you’re going, because obviously, that isn’t working. Things will just keep getting worse.
I hope this helps. I pray that God guides you in this mission. I’d sure hate to see you leave and have the whole thing get messed up even more than it is now (which I’ve seen happen time and time again). The problem you describe is most likely fixable. But you need a new approach and more insight into how to better approach your husband on these matters. Hopefully then, he will change in different ways. I’ve seen it work many, many times. I pray it will for you.
I’ve read all the comments on this post. I’ve ticked all the boxes above not even having sex in mind but just to make sure my wife has a proper break. My wife is a full time housewife because she won’t trust our daughters (11 months old and 3 years old) with any childminder or nanny. So, I work hard pushing my business while employed weekend part-time to ensure all bills plus affordable luxuries are sorted.
On a normal day, I exhaust my physical, psychological and mental strength working hard. I however keep my emotional strength intact. I return home in calm exhibiting love and care even moments when business or finance is at its toughest without putting an inch of such burden on her. I want to chat with, cuddle and if possible have sex with my wife. But it’s often unlikely. We’ve gone from sex of 7 times a week in first year of marriage to once monthly. My 11 month old was a product of first sex in 2 months and my wife made it clear it was time for another child. So, sex is more like she’s doing it out of obligation rather than out of intimate desire with her husband. Even our once in a month sex is done with the attitude of ‘let me give it to him before he looks elsewhere for it’.
I’m frustrated as my wife has turned to a ceremonial wife with every sense of love and romance gone even when it comes to normal conversation and care.
The most expensive holidays I’ve paid for are the most regrettable. She’ll pick a fight from nowhere to avoid intimacy. Considering 60% of our holidays are alone (kids with her mum), domestic chores cannot be an excuse. What womanly excuse can any lady here help me understand? At just 27, she’s almost making me regret settling down early.