I’m going to approach this article a bit differently than others I’ve written. I feel a need to address both women and men on this matter, because it DOES matter. It’s a struggle, whether you’re the wife or the husband. Both feel very strongly about this part of their marriage. This article addresses the issue of when a wife doesn’t want to have sex. But it also addresses what it is like for the man to be refused.
I totally agree with something Dr Phil McGraw has said on his television program,
“Sex might not be everything but it registers higher (90 percent) on the ‘importance scale’ if it’s a source of frustration in your relationship. It is a gigantic issue, if your sex life is unfulfilled. On the other hand, couples that have satisfying sex lives rate sex at only 10 percent on the ‘importance scale.'” (From Ten Relationship Myths)
For both husband and wife, it’s a huge problem if they aren’t in agreement.
First: To The Husband Whose Wife Doesn’t Want Sex
I can’t even start to know the frustration you’re experiencing. I’ve listened to men (and my own husband) as they’ve voiced their anxiety and grief and utter angst over this issue. However, because I’m not a man, I don’t really understand it in the same way another man would.
So, when I came across a series of articles written by Paul Byerly, and I saw the value of what Paul has written, I determined to let him address this issue from a man’s perspective. He and his wife Lori have a wet site called The Marriage Bed. Paul knows what he is talking about on this issue.
So men, please read the following series of articles posted on The-generous-husband.com web site (you may even want to question him about this matter):
• WHY WIVES SAY NO TO SEX, AND WHAT A MAN CAN DO ABOUT IT
And then here are two great articles written by Sheila Wray Gregoire on this same issue. Sheila addresses husbands, helping them to figure out why she doesn’t like sex in the first place. And then what to do about it. We encourage you to read these articles (and comments posted below it). Sheila does a great job in explaining things:
• FOR THE GUYS: When Your Wife Hates Sex
• 10 QUESTIONS TO ASK IF YOUR WIFE DOESN’T WANT SEX
— ADDITIONALLY —
Neil Black wrote the following articles, which you may find helpful:
• HELP! MY WIFE DOESN’T WANT SEX
• HELP! MY WIFE DOESN’T WANT SEX – Part 2
I hope men find the above series of articles, from both Paul Byerly and Neil Black, helpful!
Next: For Wives Who Do Not Want to Have Sex:
I realize that this is a complex issue for the wife who is denying her husband, as well. There are so many reasons why you may not want to make love to your husband. Some of these reasons may be lack of desire, his cleanliness, his demanding, abusive, controlling ways, which turn you off when you consider having any physical contact with him. And then there are pornography issues —either his or yours. Satisfaction is being achieved through false, sinful entertainment. We deal with many of those issues in other topics of this web site. Please search for them.
There’s also busyness, where you’re too tired to make love to your husband because of the demands of children, job obligations, household chores, etc. There are so many reasons why a wife may want to say no to having sex with her husband. Lori Byerly, of The Generous Wife web site wrote a blog addressing this issue, that you may find insightful. I sure did —probably because I have had to make similar decisions:
• THE SEX QUESTIONS — WHEN SHE SAYS NO
These issues are also addressed within other topics on this web site. Please seek and you will find. It’s not that they will give instant answers, or every answer; they won’t. But I believe you will find inspiration and at least some help to make changes that are needed in intimately connecting with your marriage partner.
Past Abuse Nightmares
Also, there is the problem of past abuse from other men and how it may be haunting you today. When your husband touches you it sends off memory triggers. These triggers may remind you of the horrible hurt you went through earlier in life. It may also have stripped your desire to have even a loving husband touch you.
I can relate. I’ve been there and have worked through that extremely difficult situation.
I write a bit about it in the article:
• WHEN PAST SEXUAL ABUSE AFFECTS A MARRIAGE’S INTIMACY
If this is what you are dealing with, there’s also a few other articles you may want to read:
• SEXUAL OBSTACLES: Healing an Emotional Wound
There may be other issues, such as addictions, and bitterness over marriage situations. Just so you know, we have articles on those issues on this web site, as well.
But whatever it is, please work on it.
They say, “Whoever wants sex the least has the most power in bed.” That seems to be true. If a lot of withholding is going on, there is a power struggle going on and the bedroom is “a lousy place for a battle of the will.”
I agree that there are seasons where we need to work on issues pertaining to our sex life together. But when it drags on to more than a “season” then there are problems. The Bible tells us,
“The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and like-wise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.“ (1 Corinthians 7:3-5)
You had to have known that before you married that it isn’t good to deprive one another. Being intimate and exclusive with each other is all part of being married. If you wanted to withhold having sex with your spouse, you shouldn’t have married.
Perhaps you have changed in your libido or your desire.
Keep in mind that marriage is not all about you. This is a partnership. And just like your husband needs to work with you on compromises, you need to work with him on compromises too.
But be careful in how you do this. Don’t just lay there and let him be intimate with you, while you pout and think, “just get it over with.” That won’t satisfy your husband (or you) either. Marriage is about giving. It is stated throughout the Bible, that it’s more blessed to give than to receive. We’re also told to serve one another, with a good heart. Jesus was our ultimate example in being a servant. As we’re told in Philippians 2 we’re to, “have this same attitude as Christ Jesus.“
You know deep in your heart if you’re being difficult with your husband. You also should know that you’re asking more of him than you should if you keep rejecting him sexually. And yet you’re expecting him to be celibate because you also expect him to stay faithful in all ways.
Yes, he should stay faithful.
That’s what God expects of him too. But if you are not being intimate with him if he wants and needs you, you’re putting temptation in front of him. You’re putting him in a corner where he can feel trapped. He can’t be intimate with you and yet he has needs. A life sentence of celibacy can be a frightening life for someone who needs that connection with the one he loves and wants. His sexual desires won’t quit plaguing him, just because you say no.
I have to admit that there have been times when I didn’t “want it” when my husband approached me. There was even a LONG period of time when I was dealing with past sexual issues where I denied my husband. I now know that I was wrong in what I did and what I expected of him. I know I didn’t have to to meet his every need when I was hurting so deeply inside. But I needed help to get past the mental torture I was experiencing, and it was wrong of me not to get it. We didn’t have to stay stuck in that place for so long.
My husband pleaded with me and I just looked the other way thinking, “He just needs to control himself. He should understand how painful this is for me.”
A Time for Everything
Yes, it wouldn’t have been too much to ask my husband to “control himself” for a period of time while I was in the depths of therapy. And yes, as my marital partner, he should understand (to a certain degree) how painful this was for me. But I took it way beyond reasonable. Steve really COULDN’T understand my reactions or the depth of my pain. And even if he tried to understand (which he did), I still needed professional help to work through my issues. And then we could work together on ours so this wasn’t something that would go on and on without an end in sight.
I was being unreasonable in my expectations of him. He married me in good faith that we would be marriage partners. Yet I was withdrawing an important connection in that partnership. And whether it was because of past abuse or whatever, it was not reasonable for me to ask my husband to stay pure and not be with me either. I feel that is true in most marriages (unless there are untreatable physical reasons).
Work on your issues.
If there are treatable physical, emotional, or whatever reasons why you can’t get together, please work on them. Don’t deny your spouse and sentence him to a life without you or anyone else. He wants you and no one else. Please work on your issues.
If the reason you can’t be with him is because of physical pain or because of some other physical reason, then work with doctors on this. If it truthfully can’t be medically resolved, then look for other ways to satisfy him. But do it with a good attitude. And if you can’t do things in a “conventional” method because of physical limitations, then find ways to satisfy each other in other ways. Be creative.
The important thing is that you are together, as a man and wife. Just don’t allow any other human being to be involved with both of you (either physically or visually), in your time together. This is YOUR time to be together. Please don’t ask your husband to lead a celibate life if that is not what he desires.
There was a long, long (unreasonably long) season where I pulled back from being intimate with my husband. Eventually, I woke up and realized that I had a good guy that I married. He didn’t deserve to be another victim to what had happened to me in the past. I sought for, and received the emotional help I needed to work through my issues. We eventually came together, and have loved on each other since.
Helpful Resources:
There have been a few dry spells, even after I dealt with my past, where I haven’t wanted it as much as my husband desired. The book, Sacred Sex: A Spiritual Celebration of Oneness in Marriage
God showed me I am not to deny my husband when he needs to be close to me, whenever it is possible. Yes, some times I fall into bed exhausted or I’m not feeling well, and then it happens; he approaches me. But instead of totally denying him, I either offer a “quickie” or ask him if we can be together at another time. (And I make sure it’s soon.) My husband is a reasonable man and that has worked for us.
But what if you don’t feel like it?
If it’s just because I don’t “feel like it” —even then, I offer the same. But most of the time, even if I don’t feel like it, I’ve learned to pray. I ask God to give me the desire. There is a spiritual component involved, when my husband and I are intimate together.
I’ve had times where I’ve started out with NO desire to make love to my husband when he has needed it. But eventually, I’m totally into it as I pray and concentrate on lavishing him with love, coming from a heart filled with the love of God. I’m enjoying loving my husband as much as he is in loving me. Making love then becomes TOTALLY satisfying and enjoyable. I never knew that God would answer that type of prayer, but He does!
Here’s a quote from Sheila Wray Gregoire to consider:
How often have you done this? You’re lying in bed, feeling guilty, wondering, ‘Is he expecting something tonight?’ And then your brain goes into overdrive. ‘Do I feel like it? I don’t know. Is he due? How many days has it been, anyway? If we start right this moment, how many hours of sleep will I still get?’ If you had started making love in the beginning, the silly thing is, you’d be asleep by now! We women often forget that our sex drives are primarily in our brains.
“Unlike for our husbands, arousal usually comes after you start making love, not before. But instead of jumping in, we tend to overanalyze things. Tonight, silence all those thoughts running through your head, and just decide, I am going to feel good, and I am going to feel close to my husband! When you are mentally excited about having sex, your whole body tends to follow. So stop thinking so much, and start doing!”
I hope what I’m writing here helps in some way. I know that there are circumstances where we just don’t want it. And most husbands have those times too. But please make it your mission to work on whatever it is that’s blocking the way of intimately connecting with your marriage partner in this way.
In closing:
Please prayerfully consider something that was written in the above mentioned book, Intimate Issues:
“Making the right decision is never easy but there are benefits to adopting the right attitude. When we choose to love selflessly, we honor God, we make our husbands happy, and we find more pleasure in our lovemaking.
“Dying to self is difficult, but it is necessary if you want to grow in godliness. Being godly means having a godly attitude. Godly attitudes result in godly actions, such as giving your body to your husband. This is easier if you surrender to God and allow His Spirit to work within you. ‘Nothing is impossible with God‘ (Luke 1:37, NIV). God is able to give you desire where none existed before. He can help you exchange wrong thinking with godly thinking. And God can cause you to enjoy deeper intimacy than you ever thought possible.
“God, I confess that I have not always appreciated Your gift of sex —or even wanted it. I have shunned You and withheld my body from my husband. Forgive me. I want to be a willing and creative lover —but it’s hard. Please stir up in me passion and desire for my husband. help me get my mind off myself to You and humbly ask that You begin now to work in me.”
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.
Filed under: Sexual Issues
A great article. Thank you. I wish my ex-wife and I had read it before. But, there you go. I’ve read through much of the comments… how sad. Most don’t get it, a few do, in my opinion. Men and women both are offended, distrustful of each other and defensive. I think scripture tells us that these kinds of attitudes will lead to failure in any human relationship and especially in marriage. It did with mine.
There were problems from the start when we got married. 2nd marriage for me, essentially the same for her although she was never married. She has lived as married with several guys before me (probably why she hates sex now -I didn’t do that to her, btw for all the women who are reading this). We both were terrible sinners and in need of real healing from the Lord before trying to start another relationship but did not know this.
For whatever reason she could never give herself to me. At first it was all my fault: I was not attentive enough, I was not understanding, I did not set the mood, I snored… then when it was obvious I was really trying to give her what she said she needed she was too tired or had too much to do or just wasn’t into it. I tried to understand and adjust but I could not seem to do whatever it was she needed me to do. No matter what I did it wasn’t enough. We talked about it some, but she did not want to discuss it. That caused fighting. The only times we had sex was when it became just too unbearable not to. The frustration and anger would build until she “had” to.
I finally gave up and told her so. I resolved never to ask for sex again. I hated having to petition the queen of the bedroom for her favors and take whatever scraps she felt she could spare. That was when she finally sought help and actually halfway apologized for her part. I think it finally dawned on her that the family was in jeopardy. She saw a therapist every now and then and talked to a pastor but nothing really changed. I started looking elsewhere.
We finally split up and she hates me. Funny -she hates me because I wanted to make love to her! She’s a riot. How cute.
She had told me before that this was really my problem not hers. “Plenty of Christian men face this,” was her response. I was left to my own devices to figure out how to handle it. So I did. It was wrong of me, I know that. But, to hate me for doing what she pushed me to do? Let’s recap, shall we? It’s my problem to deal with, to find a solution to. Now, I’m not allowed to fantasize alone, not allowed to buy it and not allowed to find others to share a night with. So, the only option open to me is to be celibate while sharing a bed with the women I want to make love to. Hmmm… sounds reasonable.
If any women reading this cannot recognize that pornography, prostitution or affairs only thrive because men aren’t getting needs met at home then how can you be that clueless, really? That’s not to say it is right; it’s not! But, there would be no need for it if wives loved husbands. The men will know what I’m talking about. The women will probably be offended. Oh well.
Anyway. Another family destroyed. Satan is smiling, God seems impotent, the church takes a hit. Women, whatever you do, don’t put yourself out to save the family, ok? Heaven forbid you might be taken advantage of. Horrors! Your husband likes to have sex with you! What an animal.
What I have a big issue with… Women have given MEN such a bad name. I admit that my gender has a bad rep. Not every man is the same though. Not all of us are bad, controlling or abusive. What about the men that do for their wives, make them feel beautiful everyday and doesn’t most want sex. Sex is an important part of a relationship but it’s not the most important. The way I see it is… as long as you have the pleasure of the other’s company and love being around them… showing each other off etc… That’s all you need. Sex is a mere bonus. If it happens it happens, if not… So What!!! My wife is the most gorgeous woman I have ever met and known… I have desires for her in more ways than one and I show her that everyday. It’s not because I am trying to get into her pants… it’s because I love her and that’s what’s important.
Great article! Recently I am finding myself frustrated with my husband who wants sex every day, sometimes twice a day. I understand his needs and am not trying to deprive him in any way but I feel this is excessive. I have expressed that to him but it doesn’t make his frustration any less.
We have 2 kids, I work full time and go to the gym daily. I’m often tired but I’m young and in great shape, which is due to a lifestyle change I’ve made in the last 8 months. I feel like his demand for sex directly correlates with the way I look. He says things like I can’t even look at you without getting turned on… which is nice but at the same I wish he wouldn’t make me want to wear a potato sack around him! Any advice? Is daily sex unreasonable or am I overreacting?
Beth, This is all a part of marriage –learning how to take two different individuals with different wants and needs, and make life work for you together. It seems like you need to find a peaceable time where you can sit down together and talk about this (not at a frustrating time for either of you, but a time when you both have a mindset where you can reason together). You will probably have to give more than you might want to otherwise sexually, and he will have to try to tamp down his “needs” sexually, a bit more… so you aren’t the only one compromising here. There should be give and take here.
And realize that you won’t always be in this stage of “want and needs” –neither one of you, or both of you together. Life will change that (as it does continually). And when it changes, you find ways together to make that work for you too. That’s all a part of the “I do’s” and learning to love each other through the easy and the not so easy stuff (the “for better and for worse” part of your vows), for the rest of your lives (as you promised in your vows, as well).
I’m sure you’re both reasonable people that can figure this out, just as we have. Through 42+ years of marriage, there has been a lot of areas of our life together where we’ve learned to give and take and compromise. Sometimes one takes more than the other for a time, and sometimes one gives more than the other for a time, because of circumstances. But we make it work… and it does. We have a GREAT marriage. I pray that for you.
First of all. You are a woman, you don’t know, you cannot know, and you will never even scratch the surface of knowing how it feels to be rejected by your wife so much. It hurts, it damages your self esteem and on the long run, it feels like liquid pain flowing in your body. You have the need, you like her, you see her, you want her, but she is like away from you, like a familiar stranger. You can’t understand that, because you are not a man.
We men have different needs and approaches to sex than women. Women want men to talk while sex, to express feelings, to be tender sometimes and energetic sometimes, and to stay awake and cuddle after sex. But women don’t think that 80% of the physical activity is performed by the male; sex usually happens at night, when kids are sleeping and we’re operating on the energy reserve. We man can do 1 thing, maybe 2 if that 2 is not too hard. And yes, expect to cuddle at the end, and not fall asleep immediately. It is absurd. We’re required to do all the job, talk, be tender, read minds (tender sex or energetic), talk some more, and cuddle at the end.
Sorry ma’am. I am Christian, born again, love my Lord with heart, soul, spirit, every breath, with my nails scratching the carpet as I pray on my knees, and poison of sin flowing through my veins as I consider every single minute, that it is imminent that I will cheat on my wife.
I already talked to her, communicated to her, told her how I feel, everything. And all she cares is, house tasks, work stuff, and the day to day things she does every single day, which is totally much more important than me. I am done, I am done…
Hi, I have a story to tell. I am married to a wife that has never wanted sex. It was all ok till we had 4 children then nothing, night after night. There was nothing, year after year, nothing. Going to church together year after year, I’ve been a youth leader, father, and an elder in the church year after year. I’ve been working at my job as well, year after year, giving to my family. I’ve been trying to be good and loving to everyone.
I was getting so frustrated and anxiety started to fill my soul. Then one day I just got sick of it all, this soft and gentle kind man. I was reading a Bible story about Jacob and Esau. I read about how God loved Jacob and Esau he hated. Now Jacob deceived his brother and stole the birthright that belonged to his brother. So I got to thinking about how I could decive my wife and trick her into loving me like she should, and take care of my needs. So of course I prayed about it, and this is what I did about getting my wife to love me.
I had a good buddy in a moter bike club called the God Squad, and I asked him for some help. The plan was that I would take my wife out for dinner and he and his bike mates would come and pick on us at the restaurant. They were to bully me and rough me up a bit and tip my drink over my lap, and then the plan was for me to stand up againt them and make them scared of me and leave so as my wife would think I was so brave and protecting of her.
Now all went well. It was just like in the movies where the hero gets the girl. In fact other women came and told me that I was so brave and strong, standing up to the mean bikers. My wife was all over me and asked the other ladies to leave. She was so jealous. I was so frightened, she said. Anyway I got lots of togetherness for monthes and I didn’t even have to ask. I didn’t even have to buy flowers or beg or anything. My whole family thinks I am so brave and strong and able to look after them. I hope this helps someone. Sometimes you have to trick them into loving you. I can tell you some other things I did too. Man, I am in heaven.
They no longer feel they have to be sensual or sexual. Men on pause, hormones, they are fat and or skinny and out of shape. Thin does not mean sexy or in shape. They got ya and many men are in the same category as the women. They have just given up and it is disgusting.
I’m pretty sure body-shaming doesn’t help anything. People are what they are. Oddly enough, for thousands of years people have been together and procreating and their bodies likely weren’t what you think is “good enough.” What is disgusting is people who consume mass media (TV, magazines, porn) and think that two bodies that look a certain way are what is required to desire one another, when the desire for your spouse should stem from the basic premise of Genesis 2:24: “…and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.”
This was pre-sin, so having sex and becoming one is the design of God for humans. Celibacy is not the natural order, nor is shaping your partner into whatever world-perverted object of sexual desire you think people should have to be to cleave unto one another.
It’s not me the wife not wanting sex, it’s my husband that doesn’t want any sex from me. Our problem started the day after our wedding night, we had sex and it was clumsy because neither one of us had sex before. I thought it was OK I guess, but my husband had other ideas, he hated it and thought it was disgusting and in human thing that two people could do to each other. To him it was disgusting, vile, smelly, messy, not worth the effort and time plus he got nothing out of it. He told me he never wanted sex again, that was 45 years ago. He won’t talk to me or associate with me, he eats and sleeps in the basement where he has live all 45 years. He works constantly on the midnight shift hasn’t any friends, no TV, radio, computer, phone, books he’s a hermit. He has long ugly hair, beard and dresses in old polyester pants, shirts with no buttons a real slob.
He isn’t gay or pokin some little hottie some where. I had him followed many times and they say he’s not doing anything out the ordinary. I should have left years ago, I didn’t have money or any where to go, and this is my fault. I got used to being treated like crap and wasted my life away. Here I’m going on 68 and things will never change for me, not enough money and no where to go.
You have a screwed up life (no offense) but there is nothing normal about that. He needs medical attention… He sounds like a serial killer.
Amy, I mourn with you. I thought my relationship had issues after 23 years of marriage. Know The Lord Yeshua the Christ sees all and our time on this earth is but a grain of sand on a beach compared to eternity. Focus on The Lord even more and keep the faith. I’m sorry I don’t have great words to comfort you. Stay in the word (Bible) and know Yeshua is Lord.
Vance, Well said… or, written. I relate to you succinctly. Our situations are remarkably similar. My wife and I abstained for the final year before we were married, after 4 years of a secular romance. She is an amazing woman, who inspires me in a multitude of ways. But, for the past 7 years, the drought has been deadly. It’s been 2 years since we’ve been intimate, and she has no intention of rectifying that. She’s just not interested in sex. I have been a prick in the past. But, I have been more of a prince for the past few years. God has released me from bitterness. But, that callousness is resurfacing my heart again. And, like you, nobody in my men’s group gets it. Scripture this, and pray more. Life is but a vapor. Honor the marriage bed. How about honor the covenant of marriage?! I am required to bend over backwards and do all I can do, only to be completely unfulfilled.
I am in despair. I am entrapped in a dark discouragement.
Fight for your relationship. Fight for what you want. Pray on it. Clarify what is acceptable. Show through word and deed what your expectations are in the relationship and how they are based in the Word. Either your wife loves you and will cleave to you, or you have a worldly marriage of convenience, money, and it is “for the children.”
Clint, I understand and relate to your troubles with wife forced celibacy. Especially about the guys at church just telling you to pray more. When I was first saved, I couldn’t imagine why everyone wasn’t beating down the doors to become a Christian; it’s the best deal in the universe!!! Then I began to feel the legalism and judgement of Christians and understood why people run away.
I hope this helps, but our job is to love the Christians and our wives anyway. In doing so we will suffer. In the end of this brief life though we get to be in heaven FOREVER with Christ! Take heart and have courage: it’s still the best deal in the universe!!!
To the original author, I want to thank you for a really great article. In reading the comments, it is obvious that many saw this as blaming either the wife or the husband. What I read was a call to invest in our sex lives with the same committment as anything else in our lives (both men and women).
I have been a husband for 18 years and struggled with our sex life for all those years, despite being a strong Christian and even a pastor for many years. During our dating time, my wife pursued me sexually and as much as I tried to say “let’s wait”, there is only so much a 20 year old male can be tempted with and not give in. We ended up having a sexual relationship for a period of time, but did stop for a time before we were married. I was so excited that once we got married, I would not have to deal with sexual issues. Well, it wasn’t long before her desire for sex disappeared and now I think fondly on those days. I don’t know what to tell my son, who is now a teenager. The Godly answer is “wait for marriage” and of course I believe that, but in my own life, pre-marital sex was better.
I feel as if I need to say that I help around the house, hold a good job, NOT abusive, NO drinking, and do love my wife and think she’s very sexy. So, what’s my end point? This is a huge issue for Christians and we need to really TALK about it in our churches. I don’t feel like I can share this side of my life, and my wife and I need to keep up appearances of having a good, whole marriage. Why can’t I say I struggle to my church friends? Why can’t I say that I have sought out sexual relationships? (Haven’t actually done anything.) Why can’t I let on that I’m tempted every day to look at porn? That I look at other women and wonder what their sex life is? These are all temptations that God should help me with, so why do I struggle all the time? In the article, it says a man can feel trapped and I TOTALLY do. Why am I a part of a great church, but only feel I can be real in the comments section of an online article?
If any other men who read this want to chat online and try and help each other in a Godly way, I would be happy to talk.
Good talk, we are in the same situation.
I have been going through the same thing and I am ready to give up.
I feel the exact same way. Your comment was dead on. I have been married almost 13 years and haven’t had any sex with my wife in about 3 Months. No one to talk to about it.
What about the leader of your church? Or a counselor? And the most obvious, how about your wife? Here are some questions to start with:
– What do you want your sex life to look like and what are you willing to do to make that happen?
– What do you want my sex life to look like and what are you willing to do to make that happen?
– What do you think I want your sex life to look like?
– What do you think I want my sex life to look like?
– If there is a disparity between these answers, how are we going to resolve the discrepancy?
Make sure to listen to her fully and wholly when she reveals the answers to you. If you can’t have this talk in person, journal it as in Marriage Encounter.
When you discuss what you want, and what your heart through prayer has been lead to disclose, make sure you make “I” statements on what you think and feel, and don’t blame your spouse or throw words into the your spouse’s mouth.
EdwardO, I’m in the EXACT same position as you. My wife and I just went through a 3 month drought. I’m 34 years old and have been married to her for 12 years now. To be honest, she has nagged me to the point of near insanity. I’m such a calm and easy going person that used to be incapable of getting mad, but now she can set me off into a rage.
We were both very attractive before we got married and our sex life was great. We still are attractive now but she rarely wants to have sex. It seems like I’m always trying to be nice to her and do what she wants but she gets mad when I try to get intimate with her. I can’t be the perfect guy she wants me to be.
Anyways, I don’t know if I can accept the lifelong celibacy. I’m almost to the point of shutting down on her and giving up. Why would I want to spend the rest of my life with someone who is not attracted to me and wants to treat me like a roommate? I really do love her but I just don’t feel she loves me in that way anymore. I can’t leave though, for we have two beautiful boys together. I would rather be miserable in a relationship than to not be there fully for my kids. I just don’t know what to do, if anything
Hang tough pal, my wife and I have not been intimate in seven months, we sleep in separate rooms as she has slept with our daughter for the last three years. She is on anti depressants so has little to no sex drive. It would be okay if she was kind to me but she is a critic and I can never do anything right. I was thinking the same as you I could never leave because of our daughter but she watches tv shows that are rated for a 13 year old and they go to bed between 9 and 10, my daughter is five and these are not positive behaviors. Good luck, it’s hard to say what is right; I have no clue.
Women have sex to make children with a high quality male. After that is over, she will just take you for granted as a provider and caretaker for herself and the kids. She may be dormant, sleeping beauty, until a superior male awakens her lust to carry his genes.
All of this would be avoided if she too acknowledged her biology and took an active approach to heighten your present marriage, of course. You as a man must remember that women nust be more selective than men. Women are not conciously thinking all this. They are different than men, and men must work harder than women. Don’t expect a quality woman to be turned on by you if you have any flab, are not in hunter warrior physical and mental condition.
Your pheromones can’t hint that you ate a pizza or a Big Mac yesterday. Sleep 9 hours a night, eat only vegetables, raw fruit and several servings of lean meat and salmon each day. Take vitams and supplements. Exercise at high intensity and with weights each day – if you don’t know what to do, just buy P90X DVD and push the play button every day. Again, sleep not 8, but 9 hours a day for a few months. Don’t approach her sexually untuntil her attraction to you is palpable.
No time to do this, you say? Your wife’s vagina should be your joy. Forget TV, extra hobbies, even cleaning up beyond the bare minimum. You work hard and smart at your job. She will come around. If she doesn’t, you will be the fittest most successful man in your circumstances for miles.
It’s so easy for everyone to say to hang in there etc etc… The fact is you want to have sex and your wife isn’t giving you this. In same situation (sex now and then on her terms) -but what are we to do???
Don’t want to break up. Don’t want to leave my kids. But I need to have more regular and exciting sex –this was part of the deal before marriage.
Surely, if they aren’t willing to ‘join in’ then there is no other choice than to go elsewhere (this is from someone who has resisted temptation for years) – we haven’t changed the rules and it’s not fair.
Nick, Don’t know that I’ll communicate as eloquently as you or others have. I completely relate to you. I will have been married for 20 years this year. My wife and I have two children, the youngest my daughter only ten yrs old. She has RA (arthritis) this past year and says she cannot have sex anymore (too painful) she says. I believe her, but know this is also a “reason” to not have sex anymore. She is resentful and doesn’t forgive.
I’ve always been faithful and a good father. I’ve been argumentative in the past earlier years. I don’t want to harm my children through a divorce, but I’m 56 and don’t have a lot of years left for intimacy. I feel like I’m trapped in a dark place w/no-one to talk to or an outlet. We were sexually active before marriage for four years and through marriage for the most part. I love my wife and would do anything for my children. There must be a solution. God’s word commands a couple to not be apart intimately but for a time of fasting so as to not lead to temptation from the enemy.
I’m right there with you. We’ve been married for only 6 months and haven’t had sex in 5. My wife had a terrible experience on our wedding night and has flat out told me that she won’t have sex with me. I’m also a pastor, and feel as though I have no one to talk to about it. I’ve tried everything to try to change the situation. We weren’t sexually active before we got married but we messed around before marriage. Now I can’t even touch my wife in a remotely sensual way with out being told to stop, that I’m annoying her. It’s hard to not turn to things I shouldn’t. I’m completely at a loss.
I’m sad to read all of your stories. I too am in a similar boat. I’ve been with my wife for 5 years, married for 2 of those years. I love my wife so very much. She’s the light of my world. But our intimacy is at nothing less than a slow crawl of that. I’m lucky if we make love once a month. If it goes longer than a month and I mention hey, we haven’t had sex in 8 weeks (or more sometimes) I get “you’re counting?” Like I’m in the wrong. I don’t know what to do. She’s tearing our relationship to shreds and driving me to constant porn and doesn’t even care. Half the time she just lays there and isn’t in the moment at all. I don’t know what to do. I love her and I question myself thinking if I just file for separation maybe it will be a wake up call. Who knows. Anyway, that’s my miserable story.
Genesis…after reading a bunch of these stories…yours is pretty much spot on to mine. But I’ve been married 21 years and my wife no longer wants to have sex. 3 months will go by without even mentioning it, then if I make a comment about it she gets all upset; then we fight about it for days! I just don’t get it.
I do love her very much and I know she loves me…but not sexually!! I also enjoy porn…that’s my only “release” because I refuse to have an affair, but have thought about it several times, but never went through with it. I too will “count” the days…that must be a “guy” thing.
I started this thing on Jan 1st of this year…every time we do have sex, I put a penny in a little box on my dresser, at the end of the year, I’m going to have her hold out her hand and put those pennies…(however few) in her hand, and let her know what those mean, so she can actually see the infrequency of sex!
I am at my wits end, I don’t want a divorce, but I am assuming after my son leaves home (he will be 18 this year) I’m sure that’s what will happen! That’s my miserable story!
Women are not direct. Women have sex to produce quality children if they feel well provided for and are with a powerful nurturing man. Once that is accomplished, sex is about maintaining the bond so the man works for her. She may feel your hissy fit or begging is your sign of connection or submission to her. Some women are closeted gay, have undisclosed trauma and never enjoyed a physical connection with you. In those cases, you may be screwed.
But, in any case, take 3 months free of sex and spend an hour a day of intense resistance and eating like a gladiator. Sleep nine hours a night. Show her you want her.
Greg, your story and the others here are my story and I’d suggest it plays out in 20 million other American households every day. This seems to go on in any and all cultures. I have read everything on this subject. It is more than an epidemic. It does not matter, wealth, job, physique, nice guy, jerk, workaholic or 8-4 who spends lots of times with his kids, household, etc. We just can’t get any lovin’. It’s too bad because we guys will do anything and everything for our wives and with full determination when we feel appreciated.
I have gone cold, no desire to pursue, it is as though they are begging us to leave.
It is my conclusion that IF DIVORCE LAWS DID NOT PROTECT WOMEN THE WAY THEY DO, REFUSERS WOULD FEAR BEING LEFT AND BEING ALONE. BUT SINCE THEY HIDE, EVADE AND AVOID FORMING A PATTERN AND GET AWAY WITH IT, AND DIVORCE JUST MEANS NEW “FREEDOM” WITH A FREE CHECK (FROM THE MAN THEY AVOID AND EVADE) THERE IS NO MORE INCENTIVE. But to get a man, sex is not too far away. It is a cruel trick on men actually. We got duped and out of love and devotion to the family unit, we just stay and live with the emotional torture that IS A SEXLESS MARRIAGE.
I was going to leave when my son hit 18 (that was my plan) but now have 2 more boys now 7 & 10. Wives sure seem to be all in when desirous of getting pregnant.
Most women “refusers” will state that post divorce, they look back and wish they had done so many things differently. Divorce is so sad, but I don’t want to be the guy here who is 65 wishing he left at 45. Greg – Did you leave? I have concluded that I will build a duplex without her even knowing it and move into my own side. She can follow if she wants to have the kids nearby. I’m NOT leaving my kids but I will die early with this stress. I cannot fix it. God won’t force a woman to change but I know a woman can when motivated. We have to act. I am in year 28 of this mental emotional hell.
I am married for 6 years. My nights are shameful, lonely and dark, although I sleep next to my wife. Have tried everything, but am fed-up of daily NO. Tried to confront on the topic and ended up in a marriage counselor’s office – where she (counselor) tried to link everything to my childhood.
I have a lovely 4 year old. I am very very scared. If I take a step for betterment of my life (like separation, divorce, discussions – which lead to arguments) then my child will suffer. It will be a long time before my child will ever be able to understand my condition. I feel I am alone, sometimes I pity myself, sometimes I cry, most times I ask God why he made me a man with all those desires. There are no answers, just darkness!
I hear you, I had (have?) the exact same experience. First months after we got married it was all fine and dandy. After that, it was 9 months of nothing; she wouldn’t even sleep in the same bed. I went weeks without really seeing her. I would get up for work before her, and go to bed before she came back. On the weekends, she would go and party and then be hung over. Then one day it sudden changed… for a little while.
But, now we are back at the beginning. She won’t cuddle; if I try, I’m bugging her. At one point I tried getting her to go to counselling with me, but she refused.
To add insult to injury, I found out this summer she had sent topless pictures to some DJ from a club, and was busy telling another guy she loved him and couldn’t wait to make him hers. So much for 7th Day Adventist.
A lot of your post could have been written by me! We’ve been married 19. It’s been nearly two years since we had sex. Was over a year prior to that one blissful month in between. Best as I can tell she hasn’t been unfaithful and doesn’t masterbate. Just says she has absolutely no desire but laughs at the idea of seeing a doctor about it. I’ve been working hard on making myself the best person possible. “No More Mr. Nice Guy” and “Mindful Attraction Plan” (books), dressing and grooming better, becoming more confident and not needy, being helpful at home while still being the breadwinner and doing fun stuff on my own that re-energizes me.
We sleep in different rooms. Won’t even let me kiss her goodbye. We’re roommates going through the motions and I’m tired of it. We don’t really fight, there’s just nothing else there. Getting ready to shake things up -I need my WIFE back, not a roommate. She has said before I don’t do enough of the little things (gentle touches, etc) yet when I do she literally pushes away -and I mean literally. I know I didn’t offer you any help, other than to say you’re not alone brother!
I went thru that. I jumped ship.
Edward and all others..I thought someone was writing an article about my wife and I. I believe one of my spiritual gifts is praying. You can be sure I’m praying for you and your wife! I’m holding on to the fact that NOTHING is to hard for our God! Absolutely NOTHING!!
Phattdadee- I too feel as praying is one of my spiritual gifts. However, lately, it feels like my prayers have fallen upon deaf ears. I know that’s not the case. Perhaps I’m praying the wrong things? Do you have any advice, my marriage really needs prayer in the bedroom.
Hi Edward, I’m in a similar situation as you. I’ve been to Bible college etc and love the Lord but that doesn’t help me so much in this department. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t a male. My wife lays in bed all the time, almost 24/7 but she does not want me. I don’t want to commit adultery as I don’t want to do the wrong thing. You cannot have self sex as that is fornication, you cannot look at another woman as that is also adultery. You suffer if you do, and suffer if you don’t. I wish the Lord didn’t include sex in our lives as it is at times too much to bear. Hope to hear from you sometimes. -HH
Its her sin that she doesn’t take care of her husband.
My wife knows it hurts me, but doesn’t seem to care at all. I’m going to ask for a divorce.
Sir, I recently got married and we are about to have our 1st anniversary July 2015. Is it my hormones as a male? That’s what’s confusing me? I’m athletic and my body needs my wife to be intimate with me but its been almost a year from marriage and I have concerns about my wife. During our pre marital days she was very aggressive and now that we’re married I have to force her to make love. She doesn’t want it. It led me to think to other women thinking how they are when making love, just to ease that pain.
My desire to make love to my wife is so strong and unbearable because I love her. As a Christian I just tell myself that my wife is tired and simply doesn’t want it now. But I can’t stop thinking most of the time that she doesn’t want me anymore or I’m not good for her. I sometimes feel I’m being cheated, which I pray everyday not to happen, since I know I’m faithful to my wife. They say as a man, be faithful to your wife so that your wife will be faithful, as well. But we know that’s not the case most of the time. Need some advice.
Man, you described a split image of my marriage…I don’t get it.
I guess it helps (a little) to know I’m not the only one.
To Edward O, has anything changed in the past year since your post? Do you still feel trapped as in No Way Out?
I believe in God. I don’t attend church. My wife is a Christian and claims that one of the reasons why she completely stopped having sex after about 26 years is that she says over the years I’ve treated her poorly. I started ignoring her talking sessions since she started turning me away. She used to be all over me at one time. So much so, that at times I had to tell her I got to go to work or something like that. I would pray for those days now…It’s been 27 years now and this past year she won’t even allow me to touch her in bed.
Excellent article. Thank you
Thank you for this article. I have never thought about praying about having desire, but I will now!
Ref: Sexual health of elderly single men, elderly men… and clergymen …are likely to suffer prostate cancer, unless they care to effectively prevent it. Apart from a healthy diet; i.e. low in animal meats/fats, lots of fruit, Vegies and Omega 3 rich fish, Nature’s laws compel us as well to fulfill our physical true needs systematically, regularly and adequately. Of course this includes our sexual needs, since our libido or sexual drive is derived from inherited, evolutionary biological urges. Common sense and personal life experiences tell me that neglecting any one of our physical needs can only be detrimental to our health and wellbeing.
Thus, regular sex is vital, for it helps to protect all men against prostate cancer and a good excuse to enjoy it more often! Medically viewed, it is obvious that stagnant sperm, stored at +37°C, will be subjected to bacterial decomposition. For the same reason we are advised to every time completely empty our bladder, as to eliminate bacteria activity and infections. Regular stools etc. are also required. Thus, I wonder: what makes some of us think regular sex is unnecessary?
Furthermore, I believe that the level of our sex drive indicates our overall health; i.e. low sex drive or sudden, prolonged diminishing sex drive is the first event to occur before the onset of a serious chronic or even fatal illness.
Frequency: As with anything physical, best is to allow nature to decide the frequency of use, for our fantasies and desires invariably lead us to error, abuse and decreased satisfaction. Men, suffering from perversions, depend largely on human interaction to overcome their psychological imposition in order to fulfill their fantasies, for the lack of it causes sexual dysfunction. In addition, men in relationships based physical (rather than emotional) inequality resent the libido curve of their wife’s sexual desire after menopause, and that also leads to sexual dysfunction. It is, because the libido curve of men decreases very gradually and lasts well into old age.
There are indeed numerous occasions in which one feels sexually disinterested. It might be one is single, in old age or in bad health. Young, single men are less likely to suffer from lack of regular sexual activities, because they still enjoy being naturally encouraged to it. Yet, men over their forties and elderly men or in bad health are likely to neglect their sexual needs. Most of them got bored of worrying about it or simply do not care anymore about it as they used to, when they were younger.
The former, because of changes in their partner relationship and the latter, because their female partner’s menopause issues: their declining estrogen levels lead to thinning of the vaginal walls. This, in combination with increasing vaginal dryness contributes to making sex more painful; albeit menopause can mean different things for different women. While some may experience a decrease in sex drive, other women find that with the right mindset, their sex drive may actually increase. Hence, it largely also depends on one’s mental attitude and metabolic constituency. Young drug addicts are also neglecting their sexual needs, because their drug abuse has virtually replaced their sexual needs and thus, ruining their health. Very sad, indeed!
It is only natural for elderly men to experience a gradual decline in the sexual libido and frequency. Yet, some of these men are unwilling to comply with this fact and desperately seek to compensate their declining libido with extra marital affairs and even blame their partners for it. I also believe that it is unwise to succumb to sexual greed, because with every orgasm our libido decreases.
The same happens to all our other physical needs. For instance, when we are hungry, the first round of food intake tastes extremely delicious, yet after we satisfied our hunger, more food intake becomes far less enjoyable and we are advised to learn to recognize our body’s genuine needs; i.e. allow rather our body’s true physical needs to determine the right amount and timing of sexual frequency.
For younger, unexperienced men this might be pretty confusing, because our body is too often tempted by sexual fantasies, wants and wishes, which easily misleads us to sexual addictions, perversions and invariably ending up in frustrations. Trial and error and most importantly, self-discipline is the solution to this problem. Elderly men, confronted with this kind of dilemma are hard pressed to resolve this rather crucial decision in an irrational manner.
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Ref: Physical Health… Once we get over the age of forty, our genetically inherited health quality comes into play. Only then most of us discover the true extend of our inherited health. An amazing amount of diseases (if not most) are directly inherited from our forebears. In other words, one never can be quite sure what to expect next! Some, apparently healthy looking people, suddenly got a severe headache (brain tumor) and three month later they died. The cause for it is almost impossible to explain. Thus, it must have been an inherited, genetical or dietary defect which caused it. Therefore, it is vital that we get to know our specific health hazards, such as allergies, propensities and risks as soon as possible in an effort to avoid or minimizing the worst.
Your parents, grandparents and ancestor’s fatal illnesses, such as diabetes, Alzheimer, cancer, heart, kidney, liver diseases or failures etc. offer us the vital information about the kinds of propensities to which we might soon be subjected or in old age. So, if we already now smoke and cough a lot, our body warns us to stop smoking. If we put on excessive body weight, our body tells us to change our diet, etc. Yes, it is true that there exist individuals, who are immune to smoking or overeating, but how would we know if our body can take it or not?
Hence, it is wiser to categorically stay away from all risks and substances, known to harm the human body. I do my best by scanning the Internet for qualified advice on healthy food, good eating habits and health related matters. If thirty web pages confirm the same evidence, you might as well believe it to be true. Take any personal health problem very seriously, follow it up in every way and so, try to minimize its consequences.
In several instances I was able to query the doctor and in one instance even remind him to prescribe two antibiotics, which he simply forgot to administer, because he lost the patient’s treatment records. Today’s most doctors are business-minded and do not have time to properly inform and help their patients to prevent the onset of a major disease, such as diabetes, prostate cancer etc. Thus, it is important to research the all available information and solution to our personal health afflictions on the Internet.
Most overweight persons missed the chance to early control their eating habits. In a way they taught me stay clear from these kinds of avoidable health hazards and so, we all, can learn from other people’s mistakes and stay healthy longer. Remember: we have got only this one, our body and compelled to look after it. So, let us be kind to our body, mind and soul; to ourselves! If you really care about your health, I advice you to buy a copy of Campbell’s CHINA STUDY. The author is one of the last great, incorruptible scientists left on our planet we can fully trust. Let us honor this gentleman.
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Ref: Genetic inheritance… Today’s medical, scientific research efforts are largely dependable from profit-oriented business aspirations and thus, we are likely to suffer from the commonly known diseases for many more decades to come.
Hence, our inherited diseases are going to cut short the lives of many people. Most of us lost close relatives and friends in this way. The thing, which makes me wonder is that too many couples with genetically inherited diseases, such as hepatitis C or propensities to various diseases, such as heart diseases, diabetes etc. or those of us, suffering from horrible afflictions, such as smokers, alcoholics and drug addicts, are having the most children, whereas most perfectly healthy people have non or only one or two kids.
Hi, I am in the same situation it seems I’m too afraid to confront my wife as it always ends and up in a argument and we end up fighting every time. I love her a lot but I’m starting to get urges to get sex somewhere else. How do I get her to understand the way I see things? I really love her a lot and I don’t want to go look for greener pastures.
Hi, I’m in the same situation and in fact, just a few minutes ago I had an argument with my wife. I opened it up to her about my needs and being a Christian enough to know why she is acting like that. But she got mad. Is this a red flag? Am I being cheated? I just celebrated my birthday yesterday and this is all I got, arguments. This is the 1st time I felt I’m being cheated or what. I feet paranoid. I feel almost tempted by other women, but I know I’m stronger than that. I can control temptation but our situation makes me weaker everyday.
It is interesting that the majority of men in this discussions are not so bad guys, they want family, love children. I suspect that this plays the crucial role; women never behave in such way as described with “bad guys”. I have now the situation similar to described and my wife behaves in the way as described. Why? I love my son so much that I decided not have relations outside of family. In the previous marriage I had a lot sex “outdoors” and I suspect as the result, regular sex from my wife.
I’m in love with a very attractive 45 year old woman but she says it could bother her les if she ever has sex again. What should I do?
John, Please know that she is waving a red flag at you warning you that if you marry, making love and sharing in that type of intimacy will not be a priority for her (even if it is for you). Thankfully, she has been honest. Many women and men aren’t beforehand. You are being forewarned. And please don’t count on the thought that if you serve, and try to bless her sexually that she will enjoy it and change her mind. Most likely, that will not happen. If you decide to marry her, you will need to count on the fact that you will probably need to live like a eunuch –not being able to be together sexually because of her lack of interest. If you think otherwise, you most likely will be setting yourself up for unmet expectations and frustration.
And please don’t allow yourself to think that you can cheat after you marry –either physically, visually (through porn), or both. You would be violating the sanctity of marriage, and will be compromising your integrity. You are being given a warning ahead of time. Very prayerfully consider what this warning involves. If you go forward, you are not allow to go back. Please don’t allow yourself to think otherwise. Do some people change? Yes. But it is rare and it comes from THEIR heart to change. It would be better to count on her NOT changing and what that would mean if that was true. Count the costs ahead of time. Are you willing to live closely together and not being able to share in this type of intimacy for the rest of your life? Remember, we aren’t talking a year or two or three. It’s for the rest of your life. I pray you obtain wisdom on this and hope you make the right decision.
This is the first time I have been on this we site. After reading I appreciate the pure honest advice.
Thank you so much, I don’t feel as guilty anymore!
And that’s when a guy decides to cheat on you and then women wonder why.