No one plays as significant a role in meeting a husband’s unique needs as his wife. Researchers have identified his needs, but only his wife can truly know and satisfy them. Some of your husband’s most basic needs in marriage are: (1) to be admired, (2) to have autonomy, and (3) to enjoy shared activity.
Know: He Needs to be Admired.
Being appreciated is a man’s primary need. He measures his worth through his achievements, big and small, and needs them to be recognized. A woman’s need for admiration and appreciation, while certainly important, is rarely as strong. When a woman seeks appreciation she is more accurately wanting to be understood. She wants to be validated. You see, there is a significant difference between men and women when it comes to being admired. Men derive their worth more from what they do, while women derive their worth more from who they are.
Look at it this way. When women do not receive admiration from their spouse, they tend to be more motivated than ever to earn it. But when a man does not receive admiration from his spouse, he begins to lose motivation to try. Without a feeling of being admired, a man’s energy is drained. He soon feels inadequate and incapable of giving support. Without being admired, men lose their will to give.
You have no idea how damaging a critical statement is to your man’s personal power. He responds to not being admired the same way you do when he invalidates your feelings. It is demoralizing.
Criticism
I counseled a woman who became confused when, after criticizing her husband, he did not try harder to earn appreciation from her. She mistakenly assumed that she could manipulate him to give more by withdrawing her appreciation. But it’s important to know that this doesn’t work with a man. Admiration is the fuel a man needs to get going. It gives him power.
Now, before you begin heaping words of praise on your spouse, I need to give you a word of caution. Never fake your admiration. By simply saying flattering words to your husband, you can do more harm than good. To have any value, praise must genuinely reflect your feelings.
He Needs to Have Autonomy
During our first year of marriage, I remember bursting into Les’s study to let him know I was home. He was beginning a grueling doctoral program, and I had just begun a new job. “How are you doing?” I asked as I slipped behind his desk and wrapped my arms around his neck.
He sat almost motionless, taking notes on a yellow pad. So I tried again: “Did you have a good day?” This time I heard a slight sound. “Mm-hmm,” he murmured. “You wouldn’t believe all the stuff that happened to me today,” I started to say. Les interrupted, “Give me a minute here, ok?”
I walked out of the room feeling terribly dejected. “Why doesn’t he welcome my caring for him?” I thought. “I would stop anything I was doing if he greeted me that way.”
Only later in our marriage did I know what was actually going on. Men and women cope differently with stress. According to John Gray, author of Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, men, when faced with stress, “become increasingly focused and withdrawn while women become increasingly overwhelmed and emotionally involved. At these times a man’s needs for feeling good are different from a woman’s. He feels better by solving problems while she feels better by talking about problems.”
Know: He is Needing Space
Once I understood this distinction, I was able to meet one of Les’s primary needs —to be autonomous. It is a universal male need. Whenever a man is under stress (an important deadline is approaching, he is under pressure at work, etc.), he requires a little space.
At such times he becomes absent-minded, unresponsive, absorbed, and preoccupied. Unlike women, men typically don’t want to talk about the situation. They don’t want to be held or comforted —not until they have had time to themselves.
I have learned from experience that if I try too early to disengage Les from his problem, I get only a small part of his attention while he continues to mull over whatever is really on his mind. It is as if he is temporarily incapable of giving me the attention I want until he has a moment to adjust to his agenda. I now know enough to say, “Is this a good time to interrupt?” He can then say, “I need another five minutes.” Or he might say, “I’d really like to unwind by watching the news first.”
You see, part of the need for autonomy is the man’s need to have time to regroup. Some wives complain because their husbands don’t immediately talk about their day when they come home from work. They first want to read the paper or water the lawn. They want to do anything to clear their mind before engaging in the relationship. It’s a male thing. But giving your husband space when he needs it, whether you understand it or not, will gain you a happier husband.
Giving What You Want
This idea of giving my husband autonomy was a difficult lesson for me to learn. I instinctively wanted to support him in the way that I would want to be supported. If I were in his shoes, for example, I would want to be asked lots of questions about how I was feeling. I would want to be held and pampered. But that’s a woman’s way, not a man’s….
One of the great gaps between husbands and wives is in their notions of emotional intimacy. If you are like most women, intimacy means sharing secrets, talking things over, cuddling, and so on. But a man builds intimacy differently. He connects by doing things together. (Remember, men focus on achievement.) Working in the garden or going to a movie with his wife gives him a feeling of closeness.
Husbands place surprising importance on having their wives as recreational companions. The commercial caricature of men out in the wilderness, cold beer in hand, saying, “It doesn’t get any better than this,” is false. It can get a lot better than that when a wife joins her husband in a shared activity that he enjoys.
Enjoying Activities
Les recently came home from a speaking engagement in Lake Tahoe. Before he left he was excited because he was going to fly in a day early. And then he could do some skiing on his own time. I was so happy for him. He loves to ski —fast. And when we go together I always feel like I am slowing him down. But when he came home from his trip I was shocked by his report. He said, “Well, the powder was great and the weather was perfect. But it’s just not the same skiing without you.” Wow! All the time I thought I was a tag-along. It turns out that he doesn’t really enjoy it without me.
Now, I’ve counseled enough women to know that you might be saying. “What do you do if your activities have little in common?” The answer: Cultivate your spheres of interest. Don’t allow you and your partner to drift apart because you can’t find something enjoyable to do together. I have seen too many marriages fizzle because a wife didn’t use her creative energies to build enjoyable moments of fun and relaxation with her husband.
Know His Recreational Interests
Make a careful list of recreational interests your husband enjoys. Here are a few to get you started: antique collecting, any and all sports, camping, canoeing, table games, puzzles, cooking, dancing, hiking, horseback riding, jogging, movie-going, ice-skating, sailing, listening to music, swimming, traveling, walking, woodworking, and so on. Your list should be as long as possible. Next, circle those activities that you might find somewhat pleasurable. You can probably find a good half-dozen activities that you can enjoy with your husband. Your next task is to schedule these activities into your recreational time together.
If you learn to meet your husband’s need for recreational companionship, you will discover that you are not only husband and wife, but best friends too.
The above article comes from the book, Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts: Seven Questions to Ask Before and After You Marry
-ALSO-
To read additional articles on this subject,
please click onto the Marriagetrac.com and CBN links
and then the Familylife.com link below to read:
• THE SECRETS OF HAPPILY MARRIED WOMEN
Plus:
• 10 THINGS GUYS WISH WOMEN KNEW ABOUT MEN
• 15 THINGS WIVES SHOULD STOP DOING
-AND-
From the web site, Happywivesclub.com an article written by Fawn Weaver:
• MASTERING YOUR HUSBAND’S LOVE LANGUAGE
If you have additional tips you can share to help others in this area of marriage, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
Filed under: For Married Women
(SINGAPORE) For once, I don’t see "sex" as top criteria. I’ve read lots of commentaries that rank sex as top criteria… but seriously, what is sex without admiration and respect?
(MOZAMBIQUE) I agree with you Eric.
Eric. Yes, sex may not at the top of the list but it is surely up there somewhere on the scale. So lets not dismiss it completely.
I noticed everything was about what made the husband happy as if woman are married just to be a man’s cheerleader, nurse, maid and counselor before she can even gain respect and love.. This whole article was filled with how to cater to your man and his ways.. Yes, I feel it’s important to know that men and women think and see things differently, however it’s just as important for the man to show the woman he cares and how he needs to compromise as well.. This article seem like it’s all about the woman compromising to get the love she deserves and thats it..lol smh a man wrote this mess.
Lisha, this article is posted in the “For Married Women” topic. It is written to women, to be read by women –not addressing what a man should do for his wife. It is slanted for that reason. It’s not intended for men to read. Most men wouldn’t read “What Every WIFE Should Know…” they would figure it’s written for women. If you want to see what a man should do for his wife, please go into the “For Married Men” topic. Not every article can be all-inclusive like a book that is written to both men and women. Please realize that. We have some articles written for both and some written for one or the other. I’m sorry it fell short of what you would have wanted.
Did youngest what Lisha wrote?
I have no idea what you’re asking here.
I believe the reason women/wives get upset about articles that are written to the wives, are that so many people out there have twisted the Scripture to beat down wives.These articles are in abundance and everywhere. Then the articles are written to the extreme. They give the appearance of “scoldings” . So then the women who read them are thinking, “hey, wait a minute, men sin too but no one is writing articles like this to them”. Where are the men writers?
We end up telling wives to praise and to coddle their husbands, but that won’t work, because there is only one God in Heaven who we praise and exalt. We should never encourage husbands to pout and act distant and cold. Somebody should be teaching them to be God fearing men and to go to their wife and say, lets talk honey. We both are guilty of sin. See, this is what men should be teaching men, to own their sins, especially when he has cheated or looked at porn or flirted, or gambled his pay check away.
But what I realized a long time ago, was that I would not to lose my dignity or self respect to a man, because when I obey God and the man is being disrespectful to me then I have done my part and he is not supposed to pout or act like a child. He ought to come to me as a man. Life is too delicate to have a poor humble, decent, wife trying to take care of her bodily issues and her new born baby, then exalt a man who pouts. I respect my husband and I expect him to respect me.
But when man pouts or acts distant, why would we justify and excuse that behavior. Is it okay for him to do that and not the wife?
(SOUTH AFRICA) I am so thrilled about this article, for the first time I understand why my husband will withdraw from me when he is stressed. At first I thought he was shutting me out but now I understand that he needs to be by himself. Thank you for a great article and sharing this most important thing with us.
I have also realised that my husband enjoys watching soccer if I am there with him and I used to resent that. But now I will cherish those moments even more because I now appreciate how much they mean to him.
(USA) Me too!! I thought I was being ignored as well. I don’t think it was selfish of me to think that, I just think that I was unaware of what was really going on. Thanks so much for this article :) It’s helping me have a more positive attitude already.
(USA) “because a wife didn’t use her creative energies to build enjoyable moments of fun and relaxation with her husband.” Excuse me…it is now the womens job to keep the marriage going. I disagree. Also, this article does way to much generalizing for women, such as women “seek appreciation…wanting to be understood, to be validated”. Wrong again! Women seek appreciation for just that reason, to be APPRECIATED.
Way to often men take their wives for granted and so if the men learn to keep appreciating their women (but be sincere) when she does things for you such as fix a nice dinner, or pick up dry cleaning etc…remember, it is not her job. Men can get their own clothes and feed themselves so if a women does this, then men need to appreciate all the time and effort.
It is also very important that men keep nurturing the relationship in order to keep it going in a positive way. Furthermore, men need to get involved with his wifes interest and take part in it, and this will satisfy mens need for recreational companionship and all the while cultivate the relationship.
(USA) Actually… it IS a woman’s job to care for her husband. That is like saying it isn’t the husband’s job to provide… she can do it herself. Sure it is true that a man can care for himself as a woman can support herself but why get married if you’re going to stay in the “I” mindset? Honestly, if you were my wife and acted with such entitlement I wouldn’t show you any appreciation either.
Marriage is about serving your spouse, not the other way around. You will find if you let go of your pride… (don’t say you are not speaking from pride because it is dripping from your words)… you will find that your spouse will go out of his way to show you appreciation. Giving with the expectation to get something in return is not really giving, it is self serving.
(USA) Sir, you say “marriage is about serving your spouse, not the other way around.” That makes no sense. By using YOUR words marriage is about serving your spouse. One could say that was for husband to follow or one could say that rule is for the wife to follow but the way it is written it is impossible to decipher because the first half alone “marriage is about serving your spouse” is for husband AND wife. The second half “not the other way around” implies marriage is a one way street, only one is to serve the other. So it is confusing. If marriage is serving your spouse then it is for man and woman, husband and wife.
My grandmother said best “if a husband loves his wife as God loves her and if a wife loves her husband like God loves him there will never be a shortage of love, respect etc. and each should give 100% to the other.”
Marriage isn’t about “control” it is about respect for one another and Man is not the head of the home …God is!!!!!!! and once everyone realizes that life in the marriage home will be blissful.
(AUSTRALIA) However, the responsibility before God for the home is on the man. This is a thought to give pause that a man will answer to his Creator for the home, not (only) to his wife. When such a man loves his Lord completely, he will love his wife wonderfully well (not abusing, not ignoring) and be worthy of submission to. God hears, pour out your heart to the Lord, pray much for your spouse, expect great things from the treasure-house of God’s heart. His grace is sufficient.
I’ve lived in Australia and America and I can tell that your comment is very cultural. What happens when the situation is such that a woman (registered nurse) supports the family with young children because the husband is unable to get a suitable job-for years? Did he fail before God? Does their marriage fail? Some would say yes, and yet, we have been married for 26 years now. I worked for 20 years supporting our family, but I did it in humility before the Lord. I think it was more difficult on my husband because well intentioned Christians made vocal judgments, and yet we made it through and still love the Lord and each other. Both people in a marriage need to give their 100% in a servant’s attitude. I believe humility and forgiveness are key to a successful marriage. A good dose of these will be better than any works of passionate revival that can be conjured up.
Actually what SHE said makes perfect sense. Marriage is about serving your spouse not the other way around, which translates to, marriage is about serving your spouse not being served by your spouse. This does hold true for both partners. We husbands are to serve our wives just the same as our wives are to serve us. Just as you said, it is about respect, caring, love for each other, and taking care of each others needs. As for your statement that the husband is not the head of the home…
Ephesians 5:22-23 (New International Version) “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.”
So while yes GOD is in charge of everything, the husband is the head of the home.
(CANADA) Well said, Melissa! Your grandmother imparted wise words as did my own.
While I trust the intentions of the author, and understand by the title that it was written as advice for women/wives, I too found it to be very one-sided, placing the burden of a healthy and succesful marriage on the wife’s “creative abilities” and tolerance (even in the face of being neglected and without her husband’s support). This imbalance can result in a more husband-pleasing, albeit robotic, inauthentic and unhappy wife and family.
If the husband is to “provide/be the provider.” Then provisions must include being a father, being present, nurtuing, protecting and supporting his wife and children (not just paying the mortgage, but being absent to his family). Money, while important, does not buy your way into being a good partner and parent. It isn’t the only ingredient, nor the main one. Providing only financially would be like a wife serving her husband only by housework, but without intimacy or respect. A common portrait of marriage these days, no?
If the wife is to “obey” and “serve” her husband, the husband’s instructions and expectations must be inline with that of Christ’s and not overburden her, disprespect her, abuse her, exploit her, or put her in a position to fail or disrespect herself, their marriage and the family unit.
I’ve seen the one-sided approach poison marriages to the point where a bored husband felt entitled to extramarital affairs and complete self-absorption over his appearance and toys. His “obedient” wife tried to stay inspite of his ways, until she could no longer accept a life of lonliness and unhappiness at the hands of her selfish husband. Not surpisigly, his friends (my own husband) stood by him whereas had his wife been the adulterer, she’d be labelled all kinds of profane names, and there would be uproar!
A Christian woman myself, seeking Christian counsel for marital advice when I need it most, it irks me to see what seems like plenty of sexist, oppressive advice disguised as Christian duty. If you are to teach women to be loving wifes, you must teach men to be loving husbands; not just mortgage payers. Both parties need to be privy to the advice given to each.
At the end of the day, how do you envision Jesus would act towards a wife and children? Do you envision Him accusing her of bickering and ignoring her pleas that he invest some of his time into her and their babies? Or, like me, do you see Him being the kind of husband that holds eye contact with his wife, speaks kindly to her and makes time for his familty without begrudging them for their needs from him?
Excellent response Summer. It’s sad how people really believe these type doctrines.
(USA) Sounds like this lady is on here for a reason. If this is offending you then you might want to check that you are in fact, not appreciating your man. Remember God made woman from man so that man would not be lonely.
(USA) You are so misguided and wrong. Women, don’t let these men trick you! Be strong! Anti-women movement people, please do not contribute to the brainwashing of women. I pray for you all, that you will realize that the husband is the head of the house and should go first as the head in showing his family how to love and appreciate. It is not Godly for a man to sit back as a king and have people wait on him hand and foot, and do everything in the house for the family, while the wife bows down to kiss up to him as if he is dripping gold. Women, first of all have female issues that they need to take care of before they go running up and kissing up to a mere mortal man.
It is not the wife’s responsibility to do all the caring and appreciating. Anyone who suggests that is a cold hearted individual, who doesn’t respect women and sees women as lower than an animals. Men have an awesome responsibility to show love, adoration and respect for the woman too. Who wants a spoiled, wimpy man who clams up and tightens his mouth like a pouty infant with gas and colic, so that his wife will come running and say, “I’ll forget about my needs and put everything on hold while I run up behind you and ask you want?” Why would you as a human being even write and suggest a practice like this? Some of you people need to think before you write stuff on the internet. You must realize that vulnerable, gullible, young females will read these male worshipping, women demeaning, articles and comments and believe them to be truth. Please stop it now!!.
This is why women are changing rules of the relationship game. Many women are fed up and tired with this subtle movement to have women worship men like kings. Jesus is Lord of all!!! (not your husband)
(USA) JP, a woman needs to be admired too. We are not animals JP. Do you think we are robots with no human feelings. Why do you think women fusss so much?
We were not made, in that sense of the word. We were not made for man to ignore and abuse and demean. We were made as a helpmeet. We were made after the man, but God loves us too. It is not meant for a man to abuse, ignore, or mistreat a woman and forgets about her needs. I’m sorry that men have distorted and twisted God’s word so much, that you think that we do all the work and men do none. With that thinking, it makes women lose faith in men. It makes women see Satan in men. Men wouldn’t abuse their dogs. You men rub and stroke your dogs more than you do your wives. Do you think God wants men to not stroke, adore, and show appreciation to their wives? That’s more Satan like thinking.
This part of my comment is to women. Love yourselves before you get into a relationship with a man. You’re not validated by any man, not dad, not boyfriend, not husband. Don’t allow men to control your mind. Don’t give sex so freely to men you’re not married to. So what if they leave you? Keep your self esteem. Do not accept the man made doctrine that is abundant in these last days, that tells women to appreciate men who do not appreciate you. Don’t kiss up to a man. Have your own mind. Don’t allow any man to pout and convince you that you’re doing wrong in the relationship because you don’t worship him. Read all of God’s word.
Remember that these anti-women people, will scold you and blame you for your husband’s sins. God wrote in the Bible giving husbands AND wives responsibilities to each other. Satan is trying to destroy women. Don’t allow these people to convince you that you must walk on eggshells and pray for a man for 40 years while he sins against you. Absolutely not!!! Men are grown people too and they know how to watch a football game, have sex, and eat. So they know how to respect women. Don’t let your husband make you do all the work in the marriage. Women are not accountable and ARE NOT accountable for men’s sins.
Wow…you should really read the other side of this article…”What every husband show know about his wife” Then maybe you will see it is not as one-sided as you think.
I soooo agree, Dustin. These women are way too defensive!! They’re taking this article completely out of context. I’d do anything for my hubby, including trying to do some research on how men and women handle stress differently, how to support him without being smothering. It’s sad to see so many women saying that they don’t have to do these things. Men don’t vocalize their emotions, and it makes me wonder how many men feel neglected in their marriages because of these kinds of women who’d rather stand up for some feminist movement than serve their men like they would want (and expect) to be served and treated in their marriage. And they wonder why men cheat…
Brittany, You are so lost and so confused. Re read what you wrote and see that you need a better understanding of the roles of the husband and the wife. So sorry for you.
Brittany- any man who cheats is dirt and doesn’t value his marriage. Period. Quit making excuses for him.
(USA) Amen to that! It is not a woman’s job to do these things for her spouse. It is out of love that one gives to another. A person should not do things and expect appreciation, but a person should not take without giving it.
You’re the exact reason why we marry outside the U.S. You seem very entitled. You made that response all about you. Get a clue!
(CANADA) keep marrying out of country, CJ! Good riddance! It’s ironic that you are oblivious to your own entitlement issues.
I guess im just old fashioned. I don’t agree Melissa. I do seek validation, it’s not a bad thing. I want to know that hubby knows what I do and who I do it for. It’s kind of like appreciation, to be honest. We are caring, and we want to be recognized for our efforts.
As for it beimg a womens job to keep the marriage going…It is also the mans job, but this article isnt focusing on how to keep wives happy. Its how to keep husbands happy. It’s not bias as you may think, but, you obviously looked up how to support your husband or keep him happy, and you found this article. Instead of getting defensive, like most women in rocky marriages do, why not just be a little open minded. Theyre not accusing women of failed marriages.
This is an article on how to understand men a little more. I certainly learned something from it. But, I would go above and beyond for my man. I’d do anything to see him smile. He’s been going through stress at work and I don’t know how to get him out of that mood when he comes home. This article definitely helped me in the ways I approach him.
Why are you getting so stressed out and so angry because women defend women? It makes me wonder if you are really a female, Brittany. Don’t get offended, but you are trying too hard to scold women on this forum. Why? Men don’t scold each other the way some women do to other women. It’s such a rude action for a woman to take.
After reading the above information I am left asking…at what stage does the Husband show an interest in what the wife would like to do? I mean surely it’s not all about him is it, all the time? It’s about two people having their needs meet by each other.
“Also, this article does way too much generalizing for women, such as women ‘seek appreciation …wanting to be understood, to be validated.’ Wrong again! Women seek appreciation for just that reason, to be APPRECIATED.” You bashed a generalization… by generalizing… well done. Give yourself a pat on the back.
EXACTLY!!!! I totally agree with you, this article seem like its to train women for men needs only.. Smh
Again Lisha, this article was written to address women. It’s housed in the “For Married Women” topic. To read articles that address men, then go into the “For Married Men” topic. If you want both, then look around the web site, and you’ll find articles that are written for both.
The title tells you what the article us about. If the article was about how to change a tire, would you complain that it doesn’t tell you how to cook a soufflé? She never once said that a husband doesn’t have responsibilities in marriage. Why can’t you just take good advice without saying “yea, but”…?
(USA) My wife doesn’t work outside the home. She doesn’t bring in any income. I get taken for granted all the time. She just knows I’m going to work to earn money for her to spend and expects me to do half the house work. So I’m doing all the work to earn income and half the house work. Is that fair? No. And a few months ago I stopped.
It’s important for women to ALSO keep nuturing the relationship and get involved in their husbands interests. You need to stop being so one sided and thinking that men should do everything.
(USA) You sound just like I used to be. You don’t even know how much your wife helps you. I assume you have kids and that’s why she doesn’t work outside of the home? If that’s true, then please hear my heart, my brother. I believe it is YOU taking her for granted. Just think about what she really does… You don’t have a clue what it takes to keep a child in daycare (effort, stress, cost). You also don’t have a clue how upside down your world would be if you were a single father like me, with no wife to care for that child all day and night. Man, it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
And when my child gets sick, I have to take off from work to take care of him. I have to be concerned with all the grocery shopping, the laundry, the toilets, the beds being changed, the meals, the cleaning, etc. The cost to have other people do what your wife does is OVERWHELMING. I used to be in your shoes, man, and I didn’t know how good I had it until I didn’t have any more.
Stop focusing on what praise and adornment you aren’t getting from your wife. SET THE EXAMPLE. Praise her efforts and how much she means to you and helps you. Tell her what a great mother she is. DO ALL THE THINGS YOU KEEP COMPLAINING THAT SHE ISN’T DOING FOR YOU. I promise if you do that (and not just for one week), she’ll naturally follow your lead.
Women get tired at the end of the day, bro. They need physical assistance, and they also need to feel like they are not alone… that you are on their team. Stay at home moms are isolated a lot dude. Women weren’t created for that. They need their husbands! While you’re helping her, talk to her, man. Ask her about herself, tell her about your day at work. Turn on some music and clean while you groove! Clean at the same time, so you can spend quality time together. You need to commit to this new way of supporting her as a lifestyle change, not just a week’s worth of flowers and fluff. You know you get to leave your job and quit working for a while. Why do you think she should just keep going until bed time (cleaning, etc.)? Think about it, and I’m sure you’ll do the right thing. Good luck, man.
(U.S) Steve, It sounds like you have really grown from your experience. I wish my husband could realize some of these things, but he doesn’t get it and just thinks because he brings in the money that that covers him for everything else and he doesn’t need to help.
Our marriage has been very rocky since the birth of our daughter 5 months ago because all he sees is that he isn’t getting all the undivided, pampering attention he used to. I have lost my best friend, and I have felt I numerous occasions that I wanted to leave with my daughter. I hope he learns what you did, but before it’s too late. Thanks for your honesty on here.
(USA) Before it’s too late? Don’t you marry for better or for worse or is it fight or flight? Intensify your prayers for your marriage. Only God can make him into what he is supposed to be.
I’m sorry. If I read one more person tell a woman to intensify her prayer for her emotional abuser I’m going to scream. Dear heart nurture yourself, build your self esteem, and mother your child. Only God can change a heart or bring understanding, I want to clearly say this – anybody can change but you can’t change them and there is a distinct possibility that he will never change.
Guard your heart that you do not become bitter, angry or resentful in this marriage. God will show you what do and how to do it, most likely you will not have support so don’t be afraid to stand on your own. Again, your mental, emotional and spiritual life is at stake but you can make it through to the Glory of God my sister.
(USA) Wow! It’s like you paid a visit to a stay-at-home mom’s brain and took notes. Good for you. I don’t know how many times my ex and I discussed the issue of him working from 9-3 every day and then coming home to ignore the kids, play video games and not even clean up after himself let alone help with the rest of the house. He would constantly tell me that his job was to bring home the paycheck and mine was to take care of the kids, the house and him. 4 kids in 8 years and he never once woke up with them, fed them, bathed them, took care of them when they were sick, nothing. And forget about chores. I couldn’t even get him to take out the trash. I homeschooled my children; we only had 1 car, I never even had a phone. Lonely doesn’t even begin to describe how I felt.
To make things worse, whenever we argued, he made a point to remind me how inadequate I was, how he didn’t like my “systems” for cleaning and taking care of everyone, that it was his house and his car and his money and that if I didn’t like it that way, I knew where the door was. Well, I found the door and I must say I’m better for it. I have a life outside of my home, I have self-worth again, I don’t feel emotionally abused any longer. Sometimes things cannot be worked out. I prayed for 15 years for things to get better, I tried everything I could think of to fix our relationship, but he refused couples counseling, refused to have a meeting with our pastor, refused marriage Bible study at our church. I will always be sad that my marriage didn’t work out, but some people are blinded by a cloud of smoke of how they think things should be and it suffocates the other person to the point where they must seek air or perish. It’s good to hear that there are men out there who actually get it. I just wish you didn’t have to lose it first and I sincerely hope you find love again.
(USA) If there were an award for you I would award you. Its sounds wonderful. Just know it touches my thoughts. The truth you’ve spoken is not to just that man, but how it kinda is for me! Thanks!
(UNITED STATES) Steve, it was beautiful reading your words. I’m a stay at home mom and my husband makes me feel very inadequate about what I’m not doing. He does plenty at home, he does the laundry, cleans and makes breakfast on the weekends, but he complains that I don’t clean enough. I cook, I take care of our daughter and pay half of all the bills.
Due to his Stress at work, he takes it out on me and makes me feel that I’m not doing enough. Thanks to this article, I learned to give him is space and most importantly stay away from the BS. I will be there when he needs me and Hope that things get better again.
Cassandra, my husband is much the same way-ANYTHING stressful in his life is my fault. However, he doesn’t help around the house at all.
(INDIA) Hats off!
Steve, God bless you. It has been awhile since you posted this comment, and I pray that you are no longer single. YOU are a gift to anyone who crosses your path. Your son has a most wonderful father! I send you many hugs and blessings!
Steve, thank you for your wonderful comment. I hope people can see that you’re not one-sided, or anti-man, but that you’re just sharing your experience with one aspect of marriage (just as this blog post is doing the same). Marriage is such a deep, complicated, beautiful creation, and God created it for a reason. Marriage is designed to make us better ~ to mold us into less selfish, less prideful, more loving people. It’s designed to bring us closer to God as we grow closer to each other.
This post is lovely, as it gives wives a glimpse into the mind of her husband. And Steve, your comment was very insightful, as it touched on the complicated experience of a stay at home mom/wife. My husband and I have recently started meeting with our pastor to talk through some issues that we are having in our marriage, and the information we’ve learned so far has been incredible. Whether right or wrong, or whether we agree with it or not, men and women do have their own separate innate needs, and though some may be similar, the motivation behind each is different. When you begin to understand your spouse’s needs and then your own, it’s incredibly validating and does wonders for your marriage.
When I learned that for most women, our primary desire is to be understood, it was life-changing for me. I never had the words to describe how I was feeling, so often I just felt like I was going crazy! And when I learned that it’s my husband’s innate desire to be a “fixer” of problems, I began to have so much more grace for him when he neglected to validate my feelings. To grow in these areas is not easy ~ it requires a LOT of pride-swallowing and selflessness. But the reward for doing so is incredible.
Our marriage, even as we work through some very tough issues, is flourishing as we seek to understand each other and cover the other in grace, loving and respecting each other’s feelings and ideas.
(USA) @Steve, You can tell you genuinely mean what you said. You can also tell you have grown from your mistakes. The saying, “A women’s work is NEVER done”, is so true. I bet if your ex-wife read your comments no matter how your relationship is now, she would appreciate (genuinely) the fact that you realize what she was doing for you everyday.
A woman needs to feel appreciated too. I read this article and I feel it leaves out so many important aspects of a women’s needs. I know what the article was meant to be about, but I feel the article should be fair. For instance, one person commented, that a man can also join into the wife’s activities too. I think both parties should do this not just the man, and not just the woman. When I read the comments that Steve wrote, I was moved and I as a woman appreciated hearing them. Thanks again!
(USA) Of course it leaves out many things. It’s because the thesis of the article is what every wife should know. The target audience is wives. To suggest the article is lacking is like saying if we are studying The Story of the Renaissance in Europe and don’t mention what Native Americans are doing that we missed the boat.
No, it’s that we’ve focused on one aspect of a bigger picture. To view this as missing on what men are doing wrong is to totally miss the point of the article.
(USA) I tell my wife nothing about myself. Further more, I don’t need any of the things mentioned above. I don’t want sex with my wife or anyone else. I told her 30 years ago that I refuse to have sex with her and that’s the way its been. Its the best 30 years of my life. My wife asked me one question, why did you marry me? My answer was and still is I wanted to see what married life was all about, that’s all. I disliked it and still do. She’s boring and unattractive, whinny and complains all the time. I found out not answering or talking works best. I hate porn and am not gay.
(USA) Dude, how old are you? Did your wife decide to stop having sex because you did? How does that work for you?
(USA) When I stopped having sex with my wife I was in my 30s. Now I’m in my 60s and totally glad I stopped. All these years I haven’t cared what she did, she can leave when ever, have affairs with other men and women it just doesn’t bother me. I have no need to know what shes doing. We never talk any way!
(USA) Why are you even married? This person might as well not exist to you. Do you have fond feelings for her? My husband is my very best friend and I can’t go on any time at all without wondering about him and making new memories together and being together and sharing our life. This makes me sad for the both of you.
No I have no feelings for my wife, and like I said she can do what ever she wants. I’m not holding her hostage, she can leave whenever. I just hang out in my new place of refuge my my garage. It’s air conditioned and heated with an upstairs apartment. The only memory I have is being left alone and working in my shop and on my cars.
(USA) Ummm, even I can spot a fake post. The guy is a professional BSer. He is not married; he doesn’t have a whiney wife sitting alone crying on the couch. Lordy, what a story he told and shame on y’all for believing it.
(CANADA) Um, your experiment of entering into marriage to see what marriage is like failed! What you’re experiencing is not marriage! You’re holding your poor wife hostage to a contractual agreement void of love. Please just go about your own life-journey without someone else in tow. My God!
(SOURH AFRICA) I suppose it comes down to the difference between men a woman. A man has a duty to take care of his families financial needs; a woman, on the other hand, takes care of the other basic needs. A man is proud if he does this. A woman also must be told that she is doing a great job.
You know, this is exactly how my husband thinks! And I resent him for it!! He thinks he should come home, have me serve him dinner in the living room, carry it back to the kitchen when he is finished, find him the remote, reach him the phone, bring him something to snack on AGAIN, get him something to drink… and all of this after I’ve done his laundry, cooked his meals, and did ALL the things the children required too! Tell me how one simple paycheck is deserving of all this? I think NOT!!!!!
He should be PROUD!! He puts in 40 hours of work per week and gets 24/7 pay for it!!
(UNITED STATES) My husband know has custody of his 17.6 year old son and he never asked me how I felt about the situation. And now he never spends any time with me, just with him.
what should I do about this ?
(NIGERIA) I really appreciate this site because it has helped me improve in my relationship. I used to be very angry with my spouse at the slightest provocation but now, I have learnt tolerance and I appreciate her all the more.
(SOUTH AFRICA) If you read Ephesians 5, it clearly outlines the diffirents ”’duties” given to both a husband and wife. Women must respect and obey their husbands as the head of the home at all times. Proverbs also tells us that woman are the nrturers and carers of the home, including her husband and kids. Husbands are told to LOVE their wives and give of themselves as Christ did for the church.
Now, read 1 Corinthians 13 and it’ll explain what this LOVE truly entails. If you read closely you will notice that it is the man’s duty to ensure peace, joy and happiness in his marriage and home. It is his duty to ensure that his marriage follows the word of God, as the leader. A husband must lead with love and respect, not authority and financial power. Earning an income does not make you a leader, it does not excuse you from not cooperating in your household. It is only a small aspect of your duty as a husband. Your foremost duty is to LOVE your wife.
(CANADA) Tabi, you are wise and with great understanding. I’m confident that Jesus would be pleased with your interpretation and explanation! Thank you!
(USA) You’re almost right Jenny. If you shut your husband down sexually, it will be very hard for him to continue nurturing the relationship. Men seek respect and women seek love.
(SOUTH AFRICA) I feel so empty inside, unemployed, stuck. My husband is very abusive. He calls me names and says I’m stupid and not what he wants. But when he’s not drunk he wants to apologize. He is also unemployed since 2009 till to date. I am 31 and he’s 43. I’m not sure what to do. He doesn’t care about me or our 7 yr old. I need advice on how to deal with this situation. We lost 2 kids last year. 1 was a stillborn and the send lasted for a day. Should I leave him as I still have feelings for him?
(USA) Lately, my wife and I have been going through a rough time with our marriage. We’ve been married for 12 years and have known each other for about 16 years. I have known this person for half my life. I recently saw there was a problem, feel real bad that I didn’t notice it years ago as its been going on for my wife. Now I realise the problem and what I have not been doing as a husband to make my wife happy. There is a real lack of communication between us now and I feel we are drifting apart.
I love my wife very much. Now we are separated, have 2 beautiful kids, one 5 and my daughter 2. At this time my wife has locked me out of her heart and feels the relationship is not worth getting back on track. I feel very alone, sad, and hurt that she doesn’t want to try and work this out. I know with the trust of God we could get through this together but don’t know if it can be saved without the help of my wife. I feel like that I lost my life partner, the one person that I ever trusted most with my heart and feelings. I am looking for some guidance here and hoping that things could turn around for us.
Richard, I’m so sorry for all you’re going through in your marriage –especially since you have two little children who are involved, as well. Their little, impressionable hearts and lives are involved in all that you and your wife do to either end or repair your relationship. This alone should inspire BOTH of you to do all you can to give each other even more grace and motivate you to work all the harder. I’m so sad for you and for your children, that up to this point your wife doesn’t want to work with you on saving your marriage.
As far “guidance” to turn things around, I’m not sure what to tell you, Richard. If you look through the “Save My Marriage” topic (and others that God points out to you) on this web site, you’ll see that we have quite a few suggestions. Every marriage is different, and the things that pushed yours over the edge to the point where it “broke” is different. You have to apply different methods to help along the healing process, according to whatever it is that caused the problems. Glean through what you read and apply that which appears that it’s the right thing to learn and to do.
Yes, eventually your wife will need to join you and put the work in to help draw you closer together, but if you prayerfully read through the quotes, articles, testimonies, and perhaps even pick up a few of the suggested resources for further insights, I believe you will have a good start on what you CAN do. And then you need to start applying what you’re learning. You do it because it’s the right thing to do, not just because you want to have your marriage back. If you do it only for that reason, the change will only happen temporarily. You need to change from the inside out. Even if your wife doesn’t change, you need to, for whatever you have in your future. But prayerfully, your wife will eventually notice and be inspired to do her part, as well.
It will be important for you to pray, work on your own issues (with your eyes off of hers –letting God take care of them and her), pray some more, guard your heart, be a faithful, growing man of integrity, pray some more, and watch to see how God can unravel this thing (if your wife will eventually participate with Him). But don’t be impatient. Your marriage didn’t get broken overnight and it won’t get repaired overnight either. Making permanent changes for the good take longer to implement than quick fixes do. Your wife will need to see that you are real in how you are changing, not just putting up a smoke screen that gives the illusion. And that takes time and hard work. I hope you’ll do that –that you’ll do what it will take to make good changes in your life. I pray that God will help you to do that and hope that your wife notices and that it will turn her head and life towards you, rather than away from you. May God bless you in that mission.
(UNITED STATES) Ok, what happen when a wife caters to her husband hand & foot & never gets the attention or affection she deserved in the marriage? He takes her for granted …she cooks cleans, wash clothes; encouraging him in all his hobbies, adventures, achievements & drops everything she’s doing when he calls for something. But he’s never there when she needs him… feeling like she is unworthy to him. He never compliments her on anything. What do you do then? I’m just asking.