No one plays as significant a role in meeting a husband’s unique needs as his wife. Researchers have identified his needs, but only his wife can truly know and satisfy them. Some of your husband’s most basic needs in marriage are: (1) to be admired, (2) to have autonomy, and (3) to enjoy shared activity.
Know: He Needs to be Admired.
Being appreciated is a man’s primary need. He measures his worth through his achievements, big and small, and needs them to be recognized. A woman’s need for admiration and appreciation, while certainly important, is rarely as strong. When a woman seeks appreciation she is more accurately wanting to be understood. She wants to be validated. You see, there is a significant difference between men and women when it comes to being admired. Men derive their worth more from what they do, while women derive their worth more from who they are.
Look at it this way. When women do not receive admiration from their spouse, they tend to be more motivated than ever to earn it. But when a man does not receive admiration from his spouse, he begins to lose motivation to try. Without a feeling of being admired, a man’s energy is drained. He soon feels inadequate and incapable of giving support. Without being admired, men lose their will to give.
You have no idea how damaging a critical statement is to your man’s personal power. He responds to not being admired the same way you do when he invalidates your feelings. It is demoralizing.
Criticism
I counseled a woman who became confused when, after criticizing her husband, he did not try harder to earn appreciation from her. She mistakenly assumed that she could manipulate him to give more by withdrawing her appreciation. But it’s important to know that this doesn’t work with a man. Admiration is the fuel a man needs to get going. It gives him power.
Now, before you begin heaping words of praise on your spouse, I need to give you a word of caution. Never fake your admiration. By simply saying flattering words to your husband, you can do more harm than good. To have any value, praise must genuinely reflect your feelings.
He Needs to Have Autonomy
During our first year of marriage, I remember bursting into Les’s study to let him know I was home. He was beginning a grueling doctoral program, and I had just begun a new job. “How are you doing?” I asked as I slipped behind his desk and wrapped my arms around his neck.
He sat almost motionless, taking notes on a yellow pad. So I tried again: “Did you have a good day?” This time I heard a slight sound. “Mm-hmm,” he murmured. “You wouldn’t believe all the stuff that happened to me today,” I started to say. Les interrupted, “Give me a minute here, ok?”
I walked out of the room feeling terribly dejected. “Why doesn’t he welcome my caring for him?” I thought. “I would stop anything I was doing if he greeted me that way.”
Only later in our marriage did I know what was actually going on. Men and women cope differently with stress. According to John Gray, author of Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, men, when faced with stress, “become increasingly focused and withdrawn while women become increasingly overwhelmed and emotionally involved. At these times a man’s needs for feeling good are different from a woman’s. He feels better by solving problems while she feels better by talking about problems.”
Know: He is Needing Space
Once I understood this distinction, I was able to meet one of Les’s primary needs —to be autonomous. It is a universal male need. Whenever a man is under stress (an important deadline is approaching, he is under pressure at work, etc.), he requires a little space.
At such times he becomes absent-minded, unresponsive, absorbed, and preoccupied. Unlike women, men typically don’t want to talk about the situation. They don’t want to be held or comforted —not until they have had time to themselves.
I have learned from experience that if I try too early to disengage Les from his problem, I get only a small part of his attention while he continues to mull over whatever is really on his mind. It is as if he is temporarily incapable of giving me the attention I want until he has a moment to adjust to his agenda. I now know enough to say, “Is this a good time to interrupt?” He can then say, “I need another five minutes.” Or he might say, “I’d really like to unwind by watching the news first.”
You see, part of the need for autonomy is the man’s need to have time to regroup. Some wives complain because their husbands don’t immediately talk about their day when they come home from work. They first want to read the paper or water the lawn. They want to do anything to clear their mind before engaging in the relationship. It’s a male thing. But giving your husband space when he needs it, whether you understand it or not, will gain you a happier husband.
Giving What You Want
This idea of giving my husband autonomy was a difficult lesson for me to learn. I instinctively wanted to support him in the way that I would want to be supported. If I were in his shoes, for example, I would want to be asked lots of questions about how I was feeling. I would want to be held and pampered. But that’s a woman’s way, not a man’s….
One of the great gaps between husbands and wives is in their notions of emotional intimacy. If you are like most women, intimacy means sharing secrets, talking things over, cuddling, and so on. But a man builds intimacy differently. He connects by doing things together. (Remember, men focus on achievement.) Working in the garden or going to a movie with his wife gives him a feeling of closeness.
Husbands place surprising importance on having their wives as recreational companions. The commercial caricature of men out in the wilderness, cold beer in hand, saying, “It doesn’t get any better than this,” is false. It can get a lot better than that when a wife joins her husband in a shared activity that he enjoys.
Enjoying Activities
Les recently came home from a speaking engagement in Lake Tahoe. Before he left he was excited because he was going to fly in a day early. And then he could do some skiing on his own time. I was so happy for him. He loves to ski —fast. And when we go together I always feel like I am slowing him down. But when he came home from his trip I was shocked by his report. He said, “Well, the powder was great and the weather was perfect. But it’s just not the same skiing without you.” Wow! All the time I thought I was a tag-along. It turns out that he doesn’t really enjoy it without me.
Now, I’ve counseled enough women to know that you might be saying. “What do you do if your activities have little in common?” The answer: Cultivate your spheres of interest. Don’t allow you and your partner to drift apart because you can’t find something enjoyable to do together. I have seen too many marriages fizzle because a wife didn’t use her creative energies to build enjoyable moments of fun and relaxation with her husband.
Know His Recreational Interests
Make a careful list of recreational interests your husband enjoys. Here are a few to get you started: antique collecting, any and all sports, camping, canoeing, table games, puzzles, cooking, dancing, hiking, horseback riding, jogging, movie-going, ice-skating, sailing, listening to music, swimming, traveling, walking, woodworking, and so on. Your list should be as long as possible. Next, circle those activities that you might find somewhat pleasurable. You can probably find a good half-dozen activities that you can enjoy with your husband. Your next task is to schedule these activities into your recreational time together.
If you learn to meet your husband’s need for recreational companionship, you will discover that you are not only husband and wife, but best friends too.
The above article comes from the book, Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts: Seven Questions to Ask Before and After You Marry
-ALSO-
To read additional articles on this subject,
please click onto the Marriagetrac.com and CBN links
and then the Familylife.com link below to read:
• THE SECRETS OF HAPPILY MARRIED WOMEN
Plus:
• 10 THINGS GUYS WISH WOMEN KNEW ABOUT MEN
• 15 THINGS WIVES SHOULD STOP DOING
-AND-
From the web site, Happywivesclub.com an article written by Fawn Weaver:
• MASTERING YOUR HUSBAND’S LOVE LANGUAGE
If you have additional tips you can share to help others in this area of marriage, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
Filed under: For Married Women
(NIGERIA) This has opened my eyes to how men actually behave when stressed and under pressure. I noticed that my fiancé usually keeps to himself when he’s undergoing a lot stress from work or other external factors and I get so sad and begin to wonder if I am not doing enough to get him out of it. Now I’ve learned to let him be and be supportive on the side and patiently wait till he comes out of it.
(USA) Thanks for the great explanation of the value of “recreational companionship.” I especially appreciated the concrete suggestions on how to find common interests. This has been a struggle in my relationship. As you explained it, I can more easily see that it’s a male-female difference. When I get together with my girlfriends, we don’t “do” anything in terms of activities. We might go out to eat or go for a walk or grab coffee. Very different apparently from what men want. Your suggestions are very, very helpful and give me hope.
(USA) Women know these things already. We know that a man feels worthy because of what he “does” and his identity is wrapped up in that. Women know these things. We’re the ones reading the books about marriage, thinking about marriage, trying to improve the marriage, going to counselors about the marriage. Studies show the average man works 40-50 hours per week. The average man spends 14-28 hours a week watching television. The average man spends approximately 2 hours a week talking to his wife. And we wonder why there are so many divorces?
Men would work regardless of whether they were married with children or single and childless. Men need to change their thinking when it comes to marriage. Absence doesn’t make the heart grow fonder; it simply kills a marriage. Women do plenty of bonding activies with men; women know how important sexual initimacy is in a marriage. The real problem is men are not reading the books -they’re not going to counseling; they’re not thinking about how to improve the marriage. It seems they are spending too much time at work and watching TV. Just do the math… and think about it.
In other words, I believe men have TOO much autonomy. Most are gone 30-50 hours a week and when they come home, spend hours watching television or playing video games. How much more autonomy do they need?
(CANADA) You know all of this, but, not everyone does. I guess it’s for the people who don’t. I totally agree with you, well not that my man watches any TV (he works a lot though and spends hours on the potty), but I totally agree that men have way too much autonomy, way too much free time while we’re working. Speaking of which, we do too much of the work… here’s my theory as to why: If I am sitting still (rare) and my man is actually doing something useful, I have a very hard time just watching him. It goes against my grain to have someone work for me. I don’t think I’m alone in this. Who wants to feel lazy? Not me.
(USA) Another blame it on the man post? If women know all these things, why aren’t they suggesting bonding activities that they know their husbands will enthusiastically choose? I think women are experts in how THEY would like to see the relationship go. Where I think the problem lies is that there are TWO people in every marriage. Is the wife an expert on her husbands dreams and desires?
Instead of taking time reading all those books and complaining, where is the effort, the action to find things to do that you know your husband absolutely loves? You already know what doesn’t work, reading books and talking. As I said, experts on what appeals to women. This topic is what every wife should know about her husband. Instead of learning about how to meet your husband where he is, you complain that he’s not doing what you want him to do. I think you missed the point of this topic.
(USA) No person is blaming men, we are trying to get you to stop blaming women.
(USA) To quote the post blaming men, “In other words, I believe men have TOO much autonomy. Most are gone 30-50 hours a week and when they come home, spend hours watching television or playing video games. How much more autonomy do they need?”
Doesn’t read like that’s asking men to stop blaming women. Instead it reads, and I paraphrase, “It’s not us ladies, it’s you guys. If you would only shape up, things would be better.” I know blame when I read it, and that indeed is blame.
And I know a BITTER WOMAN HATER when I see one.
Since you are suggesting that wives meet their husbands where they are, in your opinion is it okay for a husband to meet his wife where she is? I don’t understand why you are scolding me.
Sure it is. And those things are said in the topics targeting men. Context is everything and the title here is “What every wife should know about her husband.”
Telling husbands to meet their wives where they are in this thread is like shouting in an empty room. Guys are not coming to this topic looking for ways to meet their wives. If they read the title, they would not get the impression there are tips here for them to be better husbands. So to complain about those tips not being here is like complaining that they speak French in France.
(CANADA) So that means some wives should subject themselves to hunting and porn if that’s where her husband spends his time? And husbands should reciprocate with days spent shoe shopping and Zumba if that’s what his wife loves to do with her free time? Nah! They need to create new activities they can both enjoy together! BOTH ENJOY TOGETHER!
As husbands and wives, we need to let go of some of the one-sided self interests in order to make room for acitivities that nurture the marriage-body. Marriage isn’t about one person submitting to how another person wants to live. It’s about building a third entity -a marriage! If he’s looking out for himself and his needs, and she’s concerning herself only with herself and her needs, who’s looking out for their marriage?
I think this is one of the most sensible comments I’ve heard on here even though it’s years old.
(USA) My husband just told me he has known for a month that he is spending New Years with his mother out of state. He did not want to hurt my feelings he said, but I am hurt. I told him that it was not right to have secrets and he would have felt disrespected if I had done that. By the way, his mom was never friendly with his previous relationships.
(USA) My question is, why weren’t you invited? It’s not like he’s going to Vegas with his buddies, he’s going to start his New Year without his wife?! Most couples want to start the New Year together, to kiss at midnight, maybe talk about their hopes for the New Year and the resolutions that will inevitably be broken. It would concern me if my spouse didn’t want to start the New Year on what I concider the right foot. Why did he pick a holiday? Why not the weekend after? The best thing you could do is talk to your husband. A lack of communication is one of the first nails in the coffin of a relationship.
(USA) No, you all see, this is what I was telling you all about men. They want what they want, when they want it. They then threaten to cheat if we do not worship them, spoil them, and lose ourselves for them. Women are not supposed to stop her intersts to do only what her man wants. They are supposed to do things that both of them enjoys. You women had better not lose yourself for a man. Men do not want to work on a rleationships with their wives, they want their wives to do all the work in the relationship. This is fantasy, fairtale, make beleive and totally unrealistic. After a woman kisses her man’s behind a few times, he will disrespect her. He then reveals his true nature. He shows you that he is selfish and was not that into you from the start. Men are lovers of themselves. Stop, watch, and observe. It will be revealed to you if you just look.
I really want to know why women can’t see what I see about men. I see men for what they are. That’s why they don’t disappoint me, because I know just how they work. I love myself and I am realistic. I do not worship any man and I do not hate any man. I give and expect the same adoration and respect in return or else, I give nothing. I do not allow any man to control my mind. I love and respect me. I am at the point where I do not write in and ask why men do this and do that, because I already know what they do and say. I only give advice or suggestions, because I do not lose all control with any man and do not allow myself to be taken in with all this blame wives propoganda that article writers and create. I read the word of God and know that God has responsibilities for men too. I keep my eyes wide open and do not exalt or worship a mortal man. Men are not God!! Please women, ignore their pouting and blaming of women and other foolishness. Go on with your lives and love yourselves and your children. Be the mature woman and love yourself and all people. And if a man wants to live for Satan, pray and ask God to help you to take care of yourself and your children and be strong. It is not your fault. Tell other women what I said.
Hi Jean (Wildcat Fan), I have no doubt that you mean well, but you seem to be on a rampage to dump upon “men” as if all of them are abusive, whiny, self-centered, demanding people. I posted a few of your comments, but after reading one after another shoving a finger into men’s faces as if they are all abusive, I just can’t keep posting these types of comments. I do the same when it’s a man going after all women.
I’m married to a very good man. I know very many good men. I also know some very cruel and abusive men (and some very cruel and abusive women). I’m very pro-active in warning women about these types of men, and men about these women, but in doing so, I don’t throw all men or women into the same bunch. That’s totally unfair and abusive in itself and incites unhealthy feelings towards those who live their lives trying to do what is right.
This type of rampage is no more acceptable than to address “blacks,” “whites,” Chinese,” “muslim,” “jews,” “Christians,” “women,” etc… as being all the same and all abusive. They are not the same. SOME may be one way or another, but to address your comments as if “men” are all at fault for the abuses you have seen, just incites and ramps up rage, bitterness and prejudicial feelings and actions. I wouldn’t want to be judged by these standards and I don’t want to promote it when others do so. Some of what you say is true, but when you deliver it in this way, it is lost on those who need to pay attention.
Jean, I could go on and on, but I have other ministry work to do. Please be careful here. As one woman to another, there are women who need help (and men who need help), but this approach will further complicate matters, rather than help them. There are abusive men and abusive women… abusive husbands and abusive wives. We’ve seen both and address both. Please try to approach these matters more on an individual basis and please be careful in making blanket statements. Your motives may be good, but how you deliver your message and the rage you do it in, can be toxic. Please pray about this. I hope you will.
I sincerely hope you can help women. I sense this is your heart. And I agree that there are many, many women (and men) that need it. But applying Ephesians 4:29-32, when addressing these types of matters is important.
(CANADA) Jean, I want to hug you! Thank you. I agree with most of what you have to say : )
(INDIA) The article gives a good perspective on how to give the man some space, lest he starts running away from you. But what is causing problems in our marriage, apart from the above listed ones, is that we live with his family which includes a sibling with special needs. Due to certain things that happen, I feel a lot of fissure is because of that too. I am clueless as to how to deal with that.
(SOUTH AFRICA) I am a staying home Mom. I have 5 yr old daughter. My husband is working and provides for evrything in the house but never gives me money without me asking for it. Why can’t he give me money without me asking for it? I think it’s unfair because he knows I have needs. Do I always have to ask? Help please or am I being selfish? I end up suffering because I’m tired of asking.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi, I’m married now for 1 yr and 7 months. I stay far from my husband due to his work. He only comes home 3 times a year. I lost his baby last year and now this year, a few weeks ago, I lost his son in a miscarriage. He never came home, never phoned. Then I decided to go to him and sort out our marriage. It was ok but now he doesn’t come home. He said his job is important. I don’t get love, no attention, no money, nothing, but I love him. Yesterday I called him and I decided to give him space. He didn’t call since then.
(USA) I am an experienced, wise woman, who does not hate men, but one who finally figured out what men are all about and what is exactly going on. I am one who has listened, studied, and observed woman-man relationships. I’ve realized that women have been brainwashed and are now allowing ourselves to be scolded, demeaned, objectified, used, and abused, by all men, our dads, boyfriends, and husbands. Women have got to stop this practice of abuse now! We have got to stop listening to the many anti women writers on the internet, in books, newspapers, magazines, etc, who claim to be marriage counselors. These people, women and men blame and scold us for men’s terrible, terrible sins. These writers are grossly unfair. They are verbally abusive to women and some women believe them to be the gospel. They claim to use the Bible as their basis for their beliefs and comments, but they are of Satan, because if you read the directions that God gives to husbands for tehm to do for their wives, you will see that these writers are not Godly.
The first piece of advice I give to any woman, is to love yourself first. Stand in the mirror everyday and say I love you, to yourself, until you believe this. Do not look at your husband as if he is god. Don’t kiss up to him. Don’t initiate conversation with him when he is being nasty and cold to you. Be cool and go on around the house and outside with your responsibilities. Love your babies. Get yourself some hobbies, a job, some friends. Spend time with your mom and sister. Don’t make your husband your whole life, because he will then take advantage of you and he will turn cold and nasty, because he realizes then that you’re worshipping him. That’s his sin nature. Trust me, men are that way. Just stop and observe him and you will see. They are takers for sex, food, sports, wife’s adoration, worship, and respect. They forget all about their wife’s needs and the children’s needs. Many, not all husbands and men are very selfish and egotistical.
(USA) Actually, if you read the instructions of God, it’s is to love God first, then your spouse 2nd. You (and I, it’s not just women) come 3rd or so.
If you love yourself first, pretty soon, you’ll be just as selfish and egotistical as the husbands you critique.
(USA) I will not go back and forth with you. After this post, I will make all my other comments in general. I do not know you and don’t care to know you. As I strive to obey the guidelines of this site, I will speak with honesty and fairness. Now, I don’t know why you feel that women should not want to be appreciated, but this is 2013 and women are beginning to just now realize that even though men are physically stronger, have more power, and money, that we have rights and are important too. We are struggling to get fairness and balance. All it what you want, but only real men will understand what I am writing here. Other men will just attack and be angry.
It is okay, if I as a woman, have an opinion. No man validates me. God said to love your neighbor as yourself. So you see, I will love me! I don’t want or need a man to show or give me any special favors or attention. I grew up and was educated through school, relationships, and experiences. My parents taught me to respect myself and others, not just men. I give love and attention to my family and friends, not just to men. I am not selfish, even though it is all around me.
So, when we continue to allow these so called marriage and relationship counselors and others, to scold and demean women for men’s sins, that’s when I will step in and support women, even if other women are scared or brainwashed. Yes, I’m discouraged, disappointed, and frustrated at how women are told to take the blame for men’s sins and still worship them. But I will not allow myself to take part in this evil practice.
I am a woman who was wondrously made by God. I believe that he loves me. I believe that he gave husbands and wives, certain roles and that we are to respect each other as we fulfill those roles. I know that as a woman, God put a husband in front of me, and if I am not angry about this, then why should men be angry when women show frustration. Where is your understanding with us as the weaker sex? If you read the Scripture, you will see what you are to do.
You all ought to have compassion for us, because if you all had to do the roles that women have, you all couldn’t and wouldn’t be able to fulfill them. A female child is born into the world with female only, physical situations, that she must endure throughout her lifetime. When we add to those situations, a bunch of junk about a man wanting us to exalt, worship, and bow down to him, then it is asking way too much and some of us will be brave enough to let you know.
Be glad that God gave you all a role as leader, but remember what a woman/wife has to go through and remember that both the husband and the wife must love, honor, and cherish the other. We can’t wait on you husbands hand and foot, unless you’re going to reciprocate. Be selfless, not selfish. Women shut down too you know, and want to cheat too. It’s not all about you all.
Jean, I read all your comments. It is very obvious you have been hurt but let it go. Go read 1 Corinthians and what it says about love. You are giving advice about love through your hate. How does that work? You are making your life miserable and it is not needed. Charity suffereth long, and is kind, is not puffed up, vaunteth not itsself.
(USA) Jean, I’m aware of the year. Where did I say women shouldn’t want to be cherished or loved? If you read what I’ve said here, I’ve said that spouses (both men and women) are to put God first, their spouse second, and then themselves. That’s the pattern of Christ. He wasn’t about his glory. Christ was about glorifying God and saving humanity from it’s sin.
So to suggest that I’m not aware of the year, or that I’m against women wanting to be loved and cherished simply indicates that you really do not understand what I’m saying.
You have created a straw man. You wrote: “Now, I don’t know why you feel that women should not want to be appreciated, but this is 2013 and women are beginning to just now realize that even though men are physically stronger, have more power, and money, that we have rights and are important too. We are struggling to get fairness and balance. All it what you want, but only real men will understand what I am writing here. Other men will just attack and be angry.”
Easy to knock down a paper target you create. But if you were honoring the guidelines of the site, you wouldn’t make false attributions as I wrote nothing like that.
I found this post while looking for ways to fix my marriage. I thought I might benefit from others’ life experiences. However, I don’t feel that you are correct. You cannot generalize men and women.
For example, you said that when men are under stress they need autonomy, to be left alone, to sort through it all. I have found my husband to be excruciatingly clingy and needy especially when he is stressed. I am the one actually that always demands some alone time to breathe, and sort out my stress. So I’m sorry but I don’t think you can factually claim that all men are the same!
I believe we need to go back to the garden to see God’s original intention for marriage. We also can see why there was a fall, man was not doing what he should have done and women was doing what she should not have done. We are imperfect people in a marriage that could have been. We come into a marriage and try to merge two very distinctly different personalities from different families and try to see how it all works out and in the end it can end up being a very jumbled mess unless we forgive, give constantly, turn ourselves back to God, and give forgiveness and ask each other for forgiveness and try for perfect had not the fall happened.
If you were to read some of the thousands of blogs, by thousands of men who post anonymously, and who post as themselves. You would be surprised at how wrong you are. While I appreciate your efforts to help, I must inform you that you are misleading & wrong. Men, at their core root, are horny& want somebody to take care of their needs. This is the bottom line on why they take wives& the biggest secret unknown to most women.
If they let us know, the whole game would be blown. No woman would ever get married! Sure, there are nice guys & all levels of nasty, but the truth is that if they can be with another woman ( besides the very rare example) they will. Sure, they say they love us, they do, but it has to do with level of contentedness.
If they have no extra money, the finances are controlled by both. For example, somebody else is& has always been watching. Then they can’t go in a back room with a stripper. Trust me, no matter how hot& sweet you are, how attentive, great cook, space giver& great mother, conversationalist& friend…You will never be the #1 choice by OWN FREE WILL..
We are needed and wanted by default just like a maid, just like anybody they might have caught before us or after. We fill a role& that’s to keep house, bear children, bring an extra income and fulfill needs. They don’t really want to hang out with us, they would rather be in that VIP ROOM, which btw are EVERYWHERE.
I never knew ANY OF THIS, then I started searching and was surprised to find men in my area giving reviews on yelp etc… Describing the building etc. Sorry!! But women should wake up& women should know!
I feel like my wife in essence “throws me a bone” every once in a while by watching a movie with me or a show or something but is never really “there” even though we are in the same room… She thinks I’m totally off when I tell her that but I need it. Sex is sex but I want to be friends too, and it’s just not there anymore.
Which is the truth, do you men want to be with us or away from us?
I think my husband & I are not like most couples you refer to in this article. He doesn’t act like he enjoys doing things with me like painting the house to give it our own touch or working in the yard with me. Instead he acts like an enjoyable time for him is to be left alone while he works with his tools… and that he wants me & the kids to leave him alone so he can work.
I feel unappreciated by him, which makes me show less appreciation toward him. I reciprocate feelings so if I get the feeling of being unappreciated I don’t try harder to make him appreciate me. I show little appreciation in return.
But, we must be careful that we do not treat women like yo yos and have them going back and forth, telling them that at one time a man needs space then later telling the wives that they need to watch the husband’s favorite tv show with him. This is so unfair. You know why, when wives say they want their husbands to watch her favorite tv show with her, you all demean the wives and say that they should not expect for the husbands to look at the silly wives programs.
Now, do you see how wrong this notion is? If you all expect for wife to watch their husbands’ show, then the husbands should be willing to do the same for the wife. This world isn’t just about what a wife can do for a husband. They must both do things for each other.
In response to some of these comments -it is not logical to believe that man was created before woman. Religion is proven wrong all the time. I understand what the author is explaining, it is ok that men have different needs and cope differently than women do. I did not get the feeling that it was intended to put women down. Men and women can take care of one another and both still respect each other’s differences. A man should be treated as a man and a woman be treated as a woman. Our society can’t accept this anymore.
Tara, Truthfully, I/we don’t hold much value in what “our society” accepts or doesn’t. I/we care about what God accepts or doesn’t –what He ordains to be true or not. With all due respect, I would much rather trust in what God says than in what “our society” says to be true. I’ve gone the way of “society” –have been there, done that, and found that it’s filled with alluring wrappings and trappings. Deep down it doesn’t embrace truth, but rather tries to create and keeps recreating a form of truth in its own image of what it thinks it should be. When I deeply searched for Truth, it’s amazing what I found. It isn’t found in societies opinions, but in the person of Jesus Christ, and His way.
True spirituality comes from within… Religion was created to oppress the masses. You can’t disregard society and the opinions of the people. The bible has good moral lessons that people should try to learn from but God is not in control, we are. We are what’s real.
Tara, I respectfully disagree with you on many of the things you wrote. Yes, “religion” can “oppress the masses.” But a true, personal relationship with God, through Jesus Christ, does not. As we embrace Him, we receive freedom. Even when guidelines are in place there is added freedom. As for disregarding “society and the opinions of people”… I don’t. I DO listen. Those who are true followers of Christ don’t disregard people and what they have to say, but love those who make up our society, with their various opinions. However, when their opinions go against Truth, then I refuse to go along with the crowd. There are many individuals and crowds that believe their way is right, but they are absolutely wrong. Just because society believes something, it doesn’t mean that I have to empty my head of God’s wisdom and go along with it.
And as for your last statement that we are in control, not God… I couldn’t disagree more. God IS in control. You and I just don’t see (and can’t comprehend) all that is going on behind the scenes that will eventually bring about the greater good. Just because we can’t see something, and don’t understand it, it doesn’t mean that it’s not there happening, even as we speak.
Tara, I wish I could go on and on about all of this with you, but it’s just not something I can do. This is not a format to debate these types of issues endlessly. There are other web sites for that. This is a web site formatted to help those who are married. So while I whole-heartedly, yet respectfully, disagree with you on the issues you brought up, I need to lay this debate between the two of us to rest, praying that someday Christ will reveal Himself to you so that you will see a glimpse beyond that, which is visible –to see and experience our Lord God as He truly is. I wish you well, Tara.
This instance of the debate may be over but it will never end as a whole. There will always be various levels of understanding behind and within religion that are conducive to the levels of comprehension that are evident in society.
People come to understand a level of religion that maps to their comprehension. When they find themselves at odds with religion that is generally due to the fact that they are trying to comprehend at a lower or higher level and becoming frustrated with how complex it is or how childish it seems.
As you grow, your understanding should grow. Simple stories of Adam and Eve become symbolic understandings. The order of creation within Genesis should come to mean more than a literal “God created” everything.
When you are a child you understand as a child. As an adult you should understand why we use stories to teach children and why we use discussion to teach adults. Blind faith gives turn to understanding and the tools transform to suit comprehension only by revelation.
In the context of this article… Men and women join in marriage to provide for each other. Whatever their differences, the work within marriage should be to make each other happy. When couples naturally give and show love in a way that is compatible *they share love languages), life is easily enjoyed as the maintenance is effortless. But when couples have to put real effort into loving each other (love languages are different), it may be draining beyond reason. There are plenty of takes on understanding compatibility that range from science to ridiculous but there is some foundation to having a level of compatibility with your spouse that will have a direct result in how “hard” you need to work at your marriage to enjoy a long life together.
If you believe that making God into the image you believe He should be… then I can’t stop you, but I won’t join you. We grow IN Him, not blazing a path that goes contrary to His plan. What you say in your comment has shreds of truth throughout, but it is distorted by pin points of human logic, which can appear to sound wise, but “is foolishness” when it departs from what God has told us in His Word.
Many interesting points here. I tried so hard to praise, give space and not complain too much but really both parties need to be all in! I’m not sure what I could have done differently, or what I did wrong but our family is broken due to lack of understanding. My husband was a workohoilic and would go out with work 1 or 2 nights a week. Other days he might visit a friend or family before heading home. If he came home early he’d work on his hobbies in the garage or surf the internet for his hobbies.
He didn’t make our family a priority. We got his time only after he did what he wanted to, which meant limited time with us. He did eat dinner with us sometimes if he came home on time but that was the only interaction we got. Then he’d fall asleep asap and never help with kids or chores even when I was working. Intimacy was on his schedule too. We used to tag along for one of his seasonal hobbies, which was nice but it was like an obsession and we couldn’t miss it. Even if we had a family event to attend we would go alone without him.
He wouldn’t try new things even as simple as walking together or travel. He traveled with work for free and preferred to spend money on his expensive hobbies. Eventually he left for another woman from his work outings but she expected quality time so now he just sticks to his work, his hobbies and flings. Leaving minimal time for the kids as usual. Is there something I could have done to help him to choose his family over his stuff?
Women must be strong. Women must not follow man made doctrines that constantly lecture and scold wives, but then will never say a word to the husbands.
Women, please rely on the word of God for yourselves and do not rely on the comments of people who have been deceived by another so good force in this universe. God does not expect for a wife to worship her husband or make him into an idol. The blaming of wives for their husbands’ sins, is not appropriate.
Women need to be admired too, we just do not have time to wait on our husbands to admire us. We have so many responsibilities and stress. Wives need just as much love, respect, adoration, as the husbands. Don’t you wives believe otherwise.
This is so true it’s scary, but if we’re in a situation exactly as you have described. How do we let the wife know that is how we feel? I am a male reading this but I wish my wife would read it (without me asking her to!). So what do we do??? Very nice to see you are not pushing the Bible or sex down our throat!