This [article] will discuss the four major needs of a woman and the ways they are met. A woman’s four basic needs are security, affection, open communication, and leadership. Because security is the most basic need, we will discuss that first.
Security is More Than Finances
Although security is a very broad term and general in meaning, nevertheless, it is a woman’s greatest need. Whether a woman is growing up with her parents or living with her husband, she has the genuine need to be secure. A woman needs to know she is safe and well provided for in every aspect.
A wife’s basic need for security is satisfied by adequate protection and provision given by God through her husband. The husband must communicate four things to his wife to satisfy her need for security.
1. He Must Communicate That He Cares for His Wife Above Anyone or Anything Except God.
When a woman senses her husband is preoccupied or detached from her in some way, she will immediately feel insecure. She wants to know her husband is tuned in to her needs and concerns. A woman can discern instinctively if her husband truly is caring for her properly.
The best way a husband can determine if he is caring for his wife properly is simply to ask her, “Honey, do you feel like I’m caring for you properly? Do you feel provided for and protected?”
If she says yes, he can know he is meeting her needs, but if she says no, then he should listen carefully as she explains why not. Most men are not preoccupied with trying to “get my wife off my back” and keep her from demanding too much, rather than being totally committed to meeting her needs, regardless of the cost.
Feeling Cared For Is Important
A woman learns to recognize when a man is not really committed to caring for her. Her situation is similar to the man who has a selfish and greedy boss. All men want to get the most they can out of employment, and their employer holds the keys. If they work for a selfless and generous employer, they feel secure and optimistic. If they have a boss who is distracted, overly demanding, or selfish, they lose a sense of security and joy.
She’s Sensitive to Your Actions
Your wife’s well-being and prosperity are greatly dependent upon you. She is very sensitive to your actions and attitudes for good reason. You need to understand and accept this. Consider what it would be like for a sensitive, caring employer to come up to you tomorrow and say, “You know, I’ve really been thinking about your lately. I wonder if there is anything I can provide for you to make your job more enjoyable. Also, am I paying you enough?”
That would be any employed person’s dream. Well, every woman’s dream is to have a husband who will manifest this same attitude. Regularly communicate to your wife that you are available and desire to meet her needs. Then, care for her. You will be pleasantly surprised by how well your wife responds to her new atmosphere of security.
A Man’s Fears
A man often fears what his wife will do when he makes himself totally available to meet her needs. That is the last thing to fear. You simply cannot imagine what a woman will do for her man if he will envelope her in an atmosphere of total security by laying down his selfish ways to meet her needs.
Again, think about your employer. Wouldn’t you do more and sacrifice more for a boss who served you and cared for you sacrificially? Or do you think you would lounge around the workplace while ordering your boss around and abusing him?
Simply because you have become humble and have committed yourself to meeting your wife’s needs doesn’t mean you lose your authority or manhood. True and lasting authority is built, not broken, upon the foundation of sacrificial servanthood. It is leadership by example, not ego.
2. A Husband Must Communicate His Admiration and Love for His Wife.
A woman can never hear too often how pretty she is or how much her husband loves her. A woman blossoms fully in an atmosphere of praise and adoration, but she wilts and dies in the presence of perpetual silence or criticism.
Although a man must speak at times some words of correction or displeasure to his wife, these words must come from a source the woman knows is supportive and friendly. When you praise your wife and convince her of your love in real ways, you have then earned the right to also correct her. However, if all you do is point out her flaws and bad point, your wife will become insecure and bitter.
MARRIAGE MISSIONS SUPPORTIVE NOTE: We can help you a bit with this. Below is a link to affirming words you can say to your wife. Just make sure they apply! Also, elaborate a bit on the point you are making. So, if you struggle to find just the right words to say to your wife here’s a pretty good list to start with:
• 102 WORDS OF AFFIRMATION EVERY WIFE WANTS TO HEAR
Every woman is the reflection of her husband.
Women reflect in their faces, attitudes and appearances how they feel about their husbands and their environments. When a man creates an atmosphere of praise and respect for his wife, it makes a noticeable difference in everything she does. She radiates and reflects love and respect from every area of her life.
When a man constantly criticizes his wife or makes her dig for shallow compliments, she will reflect her insecurity. Women naturally gravitate to people and places where they will receive compliments about themselves. Men do, also. For a woman to have to go outside her home to receive praise is an indictment on her husband. What often comes next is even more serious.
What Tempts
I (Jimmy) have counseled many married couples who have had affairs. Sometimes it is the man, and sometimes it is the woman. Although affairs are always sinful and devastating to a marriage, you need to understand what tempts a woman to have an affair. It isn’t sex. Women have affairs because they meet a man who will talk to them and make them feel special.
Compliments Are Important
Women are turned on by men who compliment them and make them feel good about themselves. The best insurance a husband can possibly have that his wife will never have an affair is an atmosphere of praise and encouragement that he creates in which she can live. If he will do this, his wife will be drawn to him, and she will not be hungry for love when someone else comes along offering compliments and affection.
If he does not, although she may not participate in an affair, her hunger for love will cause her to wrestle with unnecessary temptations and fantasies. Here are some simple rules for praising your wife:
Be sincere.
Say good things you really mean, and say them a lot.
Say something about every area of her life.
Do not just concentrate on physical things, although she needs you to physically affirm her often. Compliment her mind, her heart, her character, her motherhood, her cooking and so forth. Let her know that you are totally proud of her.
Never use sarcasm.
Never compliment your wife in a backhanded manner. It isn’t cute; it will damage her spirit. For example, don’t say, “Hey, you have a great body —under all that fat!”
Earn your words of correction.
For every one thing you correct or confront, give numerous compliments.
Praise your wife every day and never stop.
Send cards, flowers, love letters, anything that will communicate your love and respect.
3. A Husband Must Communicate His Faithfulness.
Whistling at pretty girls walking down the street is understandable for teenage boys, but it is inexcusable for a married man. Jesus said that if a man even looks upon a woman with desire for her in his heart, it is the same as adultery. Adultery is not simply a physical act; it is an attitude.
Many men have never slept with a woman outside of marriage; nevertheless, they may carry a spirit of unfaithfulness. Women can pick up on this immediately, and it makes them insecure. A man’s heart must remain faithful, not just when his wife is present, but also when she is absent. You need to communicate regularly to your wife that she is the only one you desire. You must convince her that she is the most beautiful woman in the world to you.
Don’t Compare
Unfaithfulness also is communicated by comparing your wife with other women. This is the kiss of death. Whenever you compare your wife’s anatomy, behavior, intelligence or cooking to those of another woman —especially your mother —you have made a big mistake. The only time to compare your wife with another woman is when you are complimenting her.
Another no-no is to habitually watch other women through magazines, television shows, movies or real life. Although you may think it is harmless, it isn’t. It’s the same as your wife looking at or talking about other men all of the time. It is dishonoring and sinful. In any relationship where one person is out of control in an area, the other person normally will compensate.
Porn Causes More Problems
Men want their wives to be sexually responsive. Did you know that a dirty movie or other pornographic material is the very worst thing to use in an attempt to make a woman sexually responsive? When a woman feels you are looking at other women or have other problems with unfaithfulness, she will instinctively withdraw from sex to compensate for your problem.
When you demonstrate sexual purity and restraint outside the bedroom, your wife can be free and responsive in the bedroom. Your purity will provide the security she needs to actually blossom.
Don’t Talk About Divorce
Also, a husband should never threaten to divorce his wife. Don’t even talk about divorce. Lose the word. Many married people discuss divorce as a threat to get the other spouse’s attention. The only one to profit from such threats is the devil. He loves divorce because it damages God’s creation so terribly. So, when divorce is even a remote possibility in your mind, the devil works overtime to make it a reality. Also, your wife will become insecure if you talk about it, especially if you use it to manipulate or scare her.
4. A Husband must Communicate His Dedication to Provide Financially.
Finances are one of the most important areas of security for a woman. A wife needs the assurance that her husband is committed to providing for her financially. A man communicates his commitment to provide financially in four ways:
Praying for God’s blessing and direction.
A woman is tremendously comforted to know her husband is praying and seeking God for financial direction and provision. It also is very helpful when a man leads his wife in prayer when financial pressure comes. If he will, he can avert many problems from occurring in their relationship as well as invoking God’s blessing and provision. The old saying, “The family who prays together stays together,” is true.
Aggressively seeking the best employment possible.
Although we know that God is our provider, it still is important to knock on doors and seek opportunities.
Being a hard and faithful worker.
A wife needs to know her husband is honest, faithful and hard-working. When a man is dishonest, lazy or changes jobs too often, he violates his wife and makes her insecure. Even if it means foregoing some income or benefits, a husband needs to be careful not to sacrifice his wife’s security. This is very important.
Being a wise money manager.
When a husband is a diligent steward of God’s money, his wife feels secure. This is not a license to be stingy or unreasonable tight with money but an opportunity for managing the money and paying the bills. It is extremely important to your wife for you to manage the family’s money and resources wisely.
This article comes from the book Marriage on the Rock: God’s Design for Your Dream Marriage
Filed under: For Married Men
I don’t see any benefits in marriage for a man at all. Zero. From what you wrote here, you make it sound like it is a man’s job to take care of his wife like a child or a freeloader. She should be free from concern. Well, hey, a man wants the same thing. How does she help him feel secure? She won’t cheat or steal from him in divorce court?
Your wife will instinctively and willingly take care of you and your basic needs if you take care of her basic needs. I promise you, her basic needs are not the same as yours but are equally important. The purpose of this article is to help men understand women because we are very different by design! There are similar articles for women helping us understand our men.
This isn’t true. I did everything this article says and my wife took me for granted, wouldn’t communicate with me, constantly put her family and our son before me. Women naturally don’t respect their men or meet their man’s desires. Women need to submit to the man. Submission is their true state and true role. But women fight this constantly. I know plenty of dudes who shower their women with love and they’re called “needy” or “desperate” when they have any need in return.
My question is: Sometimes while watching something on TV and there’s an attractive woman on there, my husband says how pretty he thinks she is, this hurts me because he rarely tells me I’m pretty. Am I wrong for the hurt I feel?
No, you aren’t wrong. That’s actually rude. Have you told him (at a non-conflicting time) that it hurts you when he says something like this? Tell him your feeling attached to those types of statements. You might actually prayerfully think about this yourself, before you talk to him so you can better explain yourself. I’m thinking that he’s probably just clueless and can’t imagine that there is anything wrong with that kind of statement. It probably isn’t aimed at hurting you. He just comes at it from another stance and doesn’t understand your feelings on this matter. See if you can talk to him in a non-accusatory way how these statements make you feel. Perhaps that will help. Partners try not to hurt each other. And you and your husband are marriage partners so this is an important issue to you. Hopefully, it will become an important one to him. Pray about it and then say something about it. See where it goes from there.
How do you handle it when a woman 26 years old keeps looking at you with jealousy when she sees you with your husband?
You look the other way. She has nothing to be jealous about; your relationship with your husband is your privilege–not hers to interfere in, in any way. Her jealousy is her problem. Just love on your husband, work to enjoy your life together, and pray that she finds someone else to love in this special way.
Tell that chick “She’s my wife, not you. I love her, not you. Now stop invading our presence with your envious vibe.”
This is why I’m never getting married. This is too much, there’s no time in all this take care of ME!
Your wife will instinctively and willingly take care of you and your basic needs if you take care of her basic needs. I promise you, her basic needs are not the same as yours but are equally important. The purpose of this article is to help men understand women because we are very different by design! There are similar articles for women helping us understand our men.
This is one of the best articles I’ve ever read explaining the way a woman thinks and what she needs. I’ve been trying to communicate this to my husband recently, but couldn’t quite explain it correctly! I have a question: Is this article only about our need for security? “A woman’s four basic needs are security, affection, open communication, and leadership. Because security is the most basic need, we will discuss that first. . . The husband must communicate four things to his wife to satisfy her need for security.” If that’s the case, where are the articles elaborating on our other basic needs? I need those words because this article explains my thoughts so well!
I have found throughout my marriage is that, real attempts to be better and improve are noticed. Even if the man, like myself, is almost incapable of romantic gestures can give an honest effort, the wife often shows patience and compassion. I’m perpetually on a path to be the best husband for my wife as she has shown undying dedication and support to me since day one.
Good article. I can’t help think the criticisms of this article stem from a current culture selfishness, whereas selfless and humble dedication to someone you truly love is slowly becoming a rarity.
Wow! Thank you Dan for sharing what you did. We SO love your heart that you are willing to learn and try to show your wife your love in ways that she feels cared about. No one is perfect. But the fact that you acknowledge it and don’t let it hold you back is so wise. You both are blessed to have each other. You have blessed our day! Keep leaning forward in making your marriage the best it can be–even if you stumble along the way. “May He grant you your heart’s desire and fulfill all your plans!” (Psalm 20:4)
Man idk how dudes like you are “incapable of romantic gestures”. I love romance. I live for it. My wife is the one who doesn’t seem to care. It’s like God just hooks us up with people who seem compatible, we fall in love, and then they change.
When men make the effort to do all the above to fit the expectations of what a real man would be for his woman, he ends up sacrificing himself and begins to feel like nothing more than a workhorse and emotional servant. Just exactly when would he have time for himself or to even be himself when he is working so hard to meet all the above criteria? There is no time in the day left, not energy. This is why so many men are unhappy. This article is one sided for the woman’s benefit.
That’s “funny” because in the articles where we address the wives meeting their husband’s needs we get that same reprimanding from the wives… when would they have any time to themselves? You don’t have to pour it on like a firehose. But you do what you can. The point is to love and serve each other in all humility, as God tells us to do.
Women cheat to have sex, period. There isn’t a difference.
Not true. After 63 years on this earth I can tell you that most women are more interested in the emotional not the sex. Sex is secondary.
Not true. My wife isn’t really interested in the emotional with me. She told me she’s “emotionally independent”. My texts get ignored unless it’s all about logistics or our son. She blows off my attempts to flirt. She ignores my compliments. I don’t believe what you say.
I try to be very honest with my wife. Still I fail to provide true security. She’s forgiving, but it takes a while before I am off the hook. This article is very helpful. Thank you!
Your wife needs to grow up and stop holding childish stuff against you.
Women forever hold grudges.
Guys, if you do this, your girl will dump you for an actual man, not a simp, and you will deserve it. Do the opposite of everything stated here.
So how on earth does a woman forget about getting these needs met when she has no husband?
You worded that well. “On earth” or going the way of societal values, you will find it almost impossible to go through this and have your needs met in legal, moral, and God-honoring ways. But look at it in the way that “it’s always something.” If it’s not this need that you’re longing to have met, it’s that, or that, or that… That’s all a part of life here, on this side of Heaven. It’s always something. There are many wives, and many husbands that essentially have no spouse that will help them with their needs. Their longings go unmet. We hear about that over and over and over again in this ministry. So, being married is not always the solution to this.
Just make sure you don’t look to solving your needs in ways that you shouldn’t. Don’t allow yourself to believe the lie that because you hurt so badly, and have so many unmet needs, solutions to do that, which you should not, are acceptable. They are not. We are to look to the Lord to help us meet our needs and find contentment. He is our Bridegroom. He longs for us to view Him that way and take our cares and concerns to Him, because “He cares for us.” He can teach us how to find contentment.
As Paul wrote in the Bible, “I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through Him who gives me strength.” (Philippians 4: 11-13) Jesus can teach us to be content and help us in our times of need.
Here’s a link to an article I found on the Internet where the author Cindi McMenamin, addresses this issue: https://www.crosswalk.com/family/singles/when-god-steps-in-as-husband-11624596.html. I recommend you read it. Perhaps this Cindi can explain what I’m trying to convey better than I can. Whether you’re married or not married, you will have unmet needs. What do you do with them? How do you “forget about getting these needs met” when they nag at you? Essentially, it comes down to the point that God can help you in this as you look to Him and work with Him. As the Bible says, “Cast all your cares upon Him, for He cares for you.” I hope and pray you will.
This article is very humbling. Thank you. I made all of thes mistakes. I was bringing the stress from an abusive work home and not providing for my wife’s needs for a few years. She did exactly what your article said and another man came along to meet her emotional needs and she fell for it and him. Now a year later I’m still trying to earn back her trust and asking her to allow me to meet her needs again. I’m giving her compliments, I’m providing finances and security. I’m praying. I’m barely able to connect and she is still emotionally distant. She takes my attempts to connect as irritating and my questions about anything substantial as interrogation. Any suggestions?
You are so wrong. You do not understand women at all. If a woman feels she is completely secure and you will always be there no matter what she will lose respect for you. She needs to chase the husband’s validation, not the other way around.
An alpha male, which is what females want married or not, will not tolerate bad behavior. Yes, affirm your wife and girlfriend but do it sparingly and in a wise way. The more the words the less the meaning. She will lose interest in a man that showers her with gifts, flowers as if he had no other options. If the only woman you could get is your wife, that will make her lose respect for you.
My credentials? 20 years marriage, never have experienced dead bedroom, have always had my wife desire to please me in any way possible, she is strong, smart yet when a woman wants you, she naturally wants to submit to your leadership and craves your sexual attention. Why? Because she knows this man of hers can get any other woman he wants but continues to choose her.
That my friend is how you keep her, not by making her the center of your universe. My wife compliments my life, not the other way around and if you role reverse this, she will cheat. Also I would never stay with a woman that cheats, a woman who does that has lost respect for you and that can never return, you keeping her after that shows you are a beta with zero options and she will just cheat again.
Was this written by a female? Women don’t know what they want and men don’t know how to handle women. I love women and once you learn how woman are you never argue, I never get angry. I lead my home so well my wife makes sure I am completely sexually satisfied no matter what. Hey me you getting fat and lazy, married women are no different from single, they want feel excitement and they want feelings and good drama. Learn to give it and you will always succeed.
I don’t ever watch tv, I look better than when I was 18 and I’ve always been fit even at 18. I am a leader of men and if my wife is in the room I make her feel special in my presence. Me being in the room makes any woman swoon. It’s not about giving gifts, it’s how you make them feel when they are with you and if you are boring and lazy and lame.
Sorry, you wife will cheat with someone like me. Most married men are beta losers and wives married them for money. If you don’t make your wife squirt on the regular you are not doing it for her dude. I make my wife’s heart pound and I flit like the first day we met.
Compliments? That’s for the real losers, the fact that I talk to her, dive deep into her emotional soul and at the same time grab her ass and hold her close. I am the gem, I am the reward. If you don’t understand this you don’t know women. All women reading this wish I was their man. It’s this amount of confidence a wife craves not a faithful loser who is faithful because she is his only option.
I know what I’m talking about. Started reading marriage books at 14, but most of them have it all wrong. It’s why divorce is 50%. Oh and ya porn is for losers because it takes no skill to consume that. A man know all this and practices it. Will be desired by all women not just his wife, but sorry if you have zero other prospects as a man I can say your woman is not happy with you.
I’ve been married for 30 yrs, of which the past 20 would be considered sexless. I was rejected so many times, and to be honest, each time took a piece of my self esteem away. The times that we did have sex, it was “duty sex” on her part. My wife isn’t a bad person, she a phenomenal mom, but sucks at being a wife. I didn’t expect her to be held hostage to being a homemaker, and I actually encouraged her to find pursuits that she enjoyed with either a job, or being with friends.
I would often work 60–80 work weeks, and when I came home, the house would be a mess, and no dinner prepared. I provided, and paid to put a roof over her head, and a vehicle. I paid for EVERYTHING! Oh yes, lets also include the things I tended to at her mother’s house as well. I ended up doing the majority of the chores around the house and cooked.
I’ve stayed in this situation for my daughter. I love being a dad more than anything, and it would tear me apart to have any time with her taken away. She’s now in college, and until she graduates, I’m going to ride this out.
The last time we’ve had sex was a little over 6 yrs ago. It was so unfulfilling, because I could tell she just wasn’t into it. I ended up stopping midway, and I told myself I will never feel that way again. My wife has gained over 150 lbs now, and she’s morbidly obese. She now has all the health issues associated with it. I’m no longer attracted to her sexually and I feel that the only reason she married me was that she was in love with the idea of marriage, but I don’t think she really love me. I was a “nice guy”, and I fell for the bait and switch.
We have been going to counseling for the past 2 years, she has had her hormones checked. I dare suggested that perhaps she’s depressed, and when I did, she got angry, and denied it. I’m 58, and I’m starving for real intimacy. I don’t want sex, I’m not in my early 20’s! I so want to have a connection with a female who sees that I have value and that I deserve to be loved, desired, and admired. I so want to give a female who is also starving, like me, the attention that she so deserves.
I didn’t choose to become unilaterally celibate at my wife’s discretion. I used to look down on people who had affairs, as weak. After what I’ve endured in my position, I can understand why people have them.