The following letter was written to Diane Sollee, the Founder and Director of SmartMarriages (their web site is found at Smartmarriages.com).
Here is what she wrote that we all should pay attention to:
I have to comment on the subject of children of divorce. I just have to say that no matter how many “rough spots” my husband and I have encountered (just the normal marriage stuff) I made a decision long ago that once we brought kids into the world, divorce was a taboo word.
I would never let these little creatures that I adore so much have to go through what I went through, with parent’s multiple ex’s, remarriages, too many step-siblings to count and just basically the loss of a family.
Although my parents divorced 40 years ago when I was 10 it still affects me today — no memories of happy family growing up, getting to know extended family and so on whereas my husband who is from a HUGE intact family full of love and closeness serves as such a contrast to what I missed.
Fortunately my kids are very close to them. I wish more people would simply come out and acknowledge the harm to children when parents have a bitter divorce. I am sure this is why I am so pro-marriage.
I had a couple yesterday with five children meet with me the first time and told me that two other therapists told them they should divorce (which I find appalling!) and instead we focused on strengths and reasons to stay married after 21 years.
We also of course discussed the hard issues they need to fix, but they left my office very pleased and hopeful.
If parents could put children first, divorce rates would go waaaaaaaaay down!
—Katherine Robredo
(SOUTH AFRICA) I agree with you. If your spouse stops being selfish and thinks about the kids that you brought into this world then I don’t think anyone of you will have an affair.
My husband left and my two boys are suffering, with the knowledge that their father is involved with a girl 15 years his junior and that she is pregnant with his baby.
My 8 year old son says that he feels his father left him and his brother and that his father does not care. He has a lot of anger towards his dad and the other person involved. I tried explaining to him that we are busy with a divorce and that his father wants to get married to his girlfriend. Parents do not know what they are doing to their kids with their own selfish behaviours.
I know what I am talking about because I went through the same thing and I feel for my boys.
(SWAZILAND) Since the dawn of men, man has had the tendency to shift the blame onto the next person. Adam started it by shifting the blame for the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and Evil. ‘The woman you gave me made me eat’, he said.
Eve followed suit, ‘The serpent beguiled me into eating.’
Imagine what kind of world we would be having if Adam had simply said, ‘ Lord, I am sorry I broke the commandment you gave me, I know I deserve to die as you said.’ I surely believe Eve would have said the same thing too. The serpent was not given a chance to speak so I guess he would still be cursed. But I sure believe that God would have forgiven them right there, because he gives grace to the humble and breaks the proud. Though I can’t extrapolate from that time to today, I believe that the world would be a totally different and obviously enjoyable place.
The point here is that until we realise how hard it became to face one’s mistake after Adam’s failure to do so, then we won’t make efforts to ask God to help us in this area. We keep doing the same mistake as Adam and Eve -making others carry our burdens instead of giving them to Jesus. Why? It’s because they produced after their kind, as a matter of God’s principle.
This calls for many of us to realise that we are like Adam until we give this area to Jesus so He can break this chain of blame-shifting and put in a chain of responsibility-accepting. When one is able to do self introspection, face their bad and good things, it’s only then that we will stop shifting the blame to other’s around us and accept it for the bad things. It’s only then that we will be able to apologize, and forgive as it may be necessary.
I believe with these two ingredients used together with LOVE by BOTH parties, the world of marriages would be a different planet. Divorces would be arrested and sent back to the father of separation — Satan.
"Jesus shine your light in this area until we can see our strengths and weaknesses. Holy Spirit, teach us to give both to our Lord Jesus. God forgive us for being ignorant of these things, so our families can be saved and so that they can reflect your family structure because we know that you HATE divorce. Help us Holy Spirit, to stick with you when we make our choices, so we can always refer to your guidance when storms come on the way of our marriages, till the day you come to fetch us to our place in heaven. Amen"
(U.S.A.) But what about the case where staying together means that the wife sacrifices an emotionally stable environment? There’s not a lot of talk about this. I am the mother of 2 adorable children. They love me and they love their daddy. Problem is…there has been infidelity, pornography addictions, and emotional abuse to me throughout all the years of our marriage. I have tried and tried to forgive and move on. I have worked on myself and continue to seek therapy to improve on my own flaws.
My husband on the other hand will not go to therapy, makes promises and doesn’t keep them, and continues to jeopardize our marriage. He loves the kids and says I don’t care enough about the kids if we split. Do I just live the rest of my life with a man who may have intentions of beating addictions, but never makes any moves to do so, doesn’t keep his word to seek counsel, and can’t admit that pornography is detrimental to our marriage and our home? Am I to wait until another affair occurs?
I am still married…after 10 years of roller coaster rides of one extreme to the other….for my kids. Although I truly believe that Jesus is my only true provider, the next years of my life look truly bleak. My kids are only toddlers. Is there a point when divorce might actually not be worse than staying in it?
(USA) I am in the same situation as Karen. My husband has been unfaithful our entire relationship and marriage. He left a year and a half ago and wants to come back. I don’t think I can. I don’t believe he will stay through the good times and bad. I can’t go through that again. Although, I don’t want my child to be a byproduct of divorce and having different families. She deserves more but I don’t believe he will give up women. I finally have my self-esteem back again. He always and still comments on me needing to work out, what I wear, and whom I associate with. He’s a great father to our child but I don’t think I can go back again. Please help with any suggestions. Can children be happy after divorce? Can they have a somewhat normal life?
(USA) I AM IN THE SAME BOAT AS TRACEY AND KAREN. OUR MARRIAGE HAS NEVER BEEN WHAT SOME MIGHT SAY ROCK SOLID. I HAVE ALWAYS STOOD BEHIND MY HUSBAND IN EVERYTHING HE DID, AFTER ALL HE MADE IT POSSIBLE TO RUN A EXCEPTIONAL BUSINESS SO THAT I COULD STAY HOME AND TAKE CARE OF OUR LITTLE BOY AND HIS 2 BOYS FROM A PREVIOUS MARRIAGE.
THEN RECENTLY I STARTED A BUSINESS ALONG SIDE MY MOTHER AND REALIZED THAT I CAN ACTUALLY THINK FOR MYSELF AND MAKE SOME MAJOR DECISIONS OF MY OWN AND IT HAS CAUSED MORE GRIEF THEN GOOD. BUT I CAN NOT FOR THE LIFE OF ME JUST TURN MY NOSE AND QUIT THIS NEW FOUND BUSINESS I TRULY LOVE DOING. (I HAVE QUIT MORE JOBS IN THE PAST THEN I CARE TO ADMIT.) I HAVE NO FRIENDS TO CONFIDE IN ANYMORE. IF HE HASN’T TAKEN OVER THEIR FRIENDSHIP HIMSELF THEN HE DOESN’T APPROVE OF THEM.
HIS WORDS HAVE BEEN SO BRUTAL OVER THE YEARS… HE SHOULD HAVE NEVER MARRIED ME, HE SHOULD HAVE MARRIED HIS OTHER GIRLFRIEND, HE SHOULD HAVE NEVER HAD KIDS WITH ME AND YET HE ATTACKED MY FAMILY TELLING ME HOW SORRY THEY ARE. NOW HE SEES THAT I AM ON THE BRINK OF DIVORCE HE HAS COME TO GOD AND FORGIVEN AND WANTS TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT AND GET OUR FAMILY BACK TO BEING STRONG… I WANT TO FORGIVE, IT IS IN MY NATURE TO FORGIVE BUT MY HEART HURTS SO BAD WHEN I START TO EVEN TRY. IT’S LIKE I AM PUTTING MY HEART OUT THERE ONLY TO BE BROKEN AND RIPPED TO SHREDS AGAIN.
MY FAMILY IS STAYING STRONG IN WHATEVER DECISION I MAKE, HIS FAMILY THINKS I NEED TO BE ON ANTI-DEPRESSANTS!! BUT WHEN I’M NOT AROUND HIM I AM MYSELF AND HAPPY AND JOYFUL AND FEEL LIKE I’M A A BETTER MOM TO OUR LITTLE BOY WHEN HE’S NOT AROUND. BUT YET MY LITTLE BOY NEEDS HIS DAD AND DOTES ON HIS DAD VERY MUCH SO, AND THAT’S THE PART OF ME WHERE I KNOW I WOULD HURT MY LITTLE BOY AND THAT IS THE LAST THING I EVER WANT TO DO IS INFLICT ANY SORT OF PAIN TO MY BABY.
I HAVE TRIED TO EXPLAIN MY FEELINGS TO HIM AND TELL HIM THAT I DON’T HAVE FEELINGS FOR HIM LIKE I USED TO. WELL, HE GETS MAD AND UPSET AND THEN THE FIGHTS ARE ON. SHOULDN’T YOU BE ABLE TO TALK TO YOUR SPOUSE AND CONFRONT EACH OTHER WHEN THINGS ARISE? IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO TALK TO HIM!
I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I FEEL LIKE HIS PUPPET WAITING FOR HIM TO PULL THE STRINGS ON WHAT I NEED TO DO NEXT!
ANY HELP OR SUGGESTIONS WOULD BE GREAT!
(USA) Candace, I am separated after going through 27 years of marriage. I lived the life you have described. I want my own life now. Once I made the decision to walk out the door, there was no going back. It is difficult, but every single person that really knows how life was for me has told me how proud and what courage I have shown.
Yes, it is hard but I am ME again, and I feel great about my choice. Life is hard, but you can handle far more than you realize! Life is a present, so live for today! We only get one chance. Be true to yourself. God bless you! You will not be alone, God is always with you. Life will be better than you ever imagined!
(USA) I have been there (married 13 years). I had a husband who refused counsel. When for 3 years I went alone and tried to work on our relationship, he suffered, I suffered, and my son has permanent scars. When both are determined to make it work it can. I thought when I left him he would come to counseling instead of keeping of the “his way or the highway attitude” and work through his childhood abuse. But instead he beat me, broke my arm, vandalized my car, and my parents home. He still 12 years later, is abusing his current wife.
I am now married to a man who I am equally yoked to, and I know what normal is, and I see now what a godly marriage is. Tolerance of an out of control spouse is not what God intended marriage to be. Many Christian counselors say stay together for the kids and I agree, but not when physical and emotional abuse is involved …What was best for my son and me was to get him away from the abuse.
(CANADA) I understand both sides – Divorce has hurt all of us, and especially the children, no matter what the reason. I do believe that separation is in order if there is an abusive or adulterous spouse, until that spouse gets the help they need. I believe divorce, like the Bible says, is a sin in all cases, unless released from our covenant by a Pastor or man of the cloth.
I am a loving father, a recovering alcoholic. I had to separate to get the help I needed. Yeah God! I am going on 2 years sober, and our little girl is 3 years old. I understand the fear that my wife has, however how she deals with it is sad to see. Because "abuse" has become a viable reason for Christian divorce, she labels everything I do as abuse.
When I disagree with her, I am abusive. When I ask her to talk about more Daddy time, I am pressing her. When I appeal for us to experience the glory promised by Jesus and work things out, I am spiritually abusing her. I have heard many stories like this, and the children suffer most.
I feel sad for my daughter, and am holding out with prayer for a changed heart. However it is not happening, and things are getting worse. My daughter cries for her Daddy to spend more time with me, and when I tell my wife this she says "What are you saying to her to cause this????" The Devil’s lies are very easy to believe when you are angry. So let’s all invite God in and trust in Him to restore all of us – it IS possible, if we fully give our lives and marriages to Him.
I am sad for the many Dads that are kept away from children because of the emotional pain, caused by them or not, that is not worked through together, with the help of Christian guidance – given to God, to restore the marriage and recover the sinners. There are 2 sinners in every marriage, no doubt. God does not consider 1 sin greater than the other. Shall we assume that people never change? Jesus never assumed this.
A few thoughts from a frustrated man, who may have to fight for his daughter, but let it be known that I never wanted to. I love Jesus. Let’s all be like Him. Terry
(AUSTRALIA) Tell me please if this is right: my wife and I divorced. My wife remarried and our two children were made to participate in my wife’s wedding with her new husband. Were my children not subjected to trauma?
(R.S.A.) I think people have just assumed that divorce is worse than its reason! Isn’t the intention or motivation for one vital, especially where kids are involved? My kids grew up unscathed because of my deathly secrecy to protect them. My decision not to leave was because I COULDN’T and I WOULDN’T because of them! My secret is out and they were the first to know. Now I’m facing the reality of my fearful past of being in an abusive marriage, but I can be a normal mom to 2 grown-up, adult kids. But should I still stay? Am I not still a victim?
(USA) Leah, There isn’t anyone who really can tell you whether to stay or leave your marriage, other than God Himself. But biblically, I can’t see anywhere in the scriptures where it says you can’t leave your husband until he shows that he is trustworthy to stop treating you in such a violent manner. If he makes the decision to continue to be violent towards you, he is violating God’s principles. In Ephesians 5 and 1 Peter 3, husbands are told to treat their wives respectfully — in “considerate” ways, as a vessel that is delicate. If a husband isn’t doing that, he will answer to God for such violations. God loves you and does not condone such treatment.
In Malachi 3, it says that God hates divorce, but He also hates “a man covering himself (which it is my understanding that in the original language means his wife) with violence.” This means that violence against a wife by a husband is in the same category as divorce, as far as what God hates. According to Ephesians 5, he is to love you and treat you “as his own body.” Being abusive toward you isn’t “loving” you, unless he subjects himself to the same violence and beatings as he does you and enjoys this abuse against himself (which isn’t likely, and also could be an indication of mental illness — which is a different problem).
I say all of this to let you know that if you feel abused by your husband, and you know that by leaving him you will be less victimized, and God lets you know that you CAN and should separate from him for however long it takes for him to change or whatever… then the decision is yours to follow through at that point. I hope this helps in some way. Please know Leah, that my heart and prayers are with you, along with the prayers of many others who have read your posting.
(RSA) Dear Cindy Wright, Thank you for your encouraging advice. You and I know that nothing is as simple as the words we use to describe it. My abuse began before my marriage! I had no one to speak to then. I had always believed that my husband was truly sorry each time and then just forgot about myself… I asked my husband, in March this year in the presence of my psychiatrist, to give me time to work through this. I have had anxiety and depression for many years and have had to be on chronic medication and had to be hospitalised 6-7 times! When I had to face my memory of sexual abuse, I could no longer be intimate with him- it’s been almost a year now.
Days after my true confession to my doctor, since 2002, I told my mum for the first time in my life. So now a few people know- some of which were unable to take the shock, others feel I should stick it out and some who have said, GO!!I HAD PROMISED MYSELF TO LEAVE AND NOW I FEEL ITS SO DIFFICULT!!! Yesterday marked the start of an annual campaign here, towards eliminating violence against women and children… do I PERPETUATE OR END MINE? If I end it, do I spend my life alone?
(UNITED STATES) I am an adult child of divorce. My parents divorced when I was 9 years old. Twenty-five years later, I am still dealing with the ramifications of their decision to split. I have finally come to the realization that it was not my fault. I now understand that I was not the one rejected. However, I still feel the stigma of being a child of a single parent. I still feel those looks of pity from the normal whole families.
However, I am a happy and heathy woman with a fabulous family of my own. Although it is still difficult at times, I admire my parents for deciding to end their marriage. What I remember most about my childhood isn’t the lack of family ties, but instead the constant fighting and yelling that went on at home. I was always afraid, always on guard, always tense. After they split up and had a few years away from each other and remarried other people, they actually became friends. I now have two families, so it’s double the love.
I’m not saying that I am approving of divorce, but I want you to know that while it may be hard for the children, your actions and collaboration after the divorce can help your children transition into a normal, happy, heathy, and whole lifestyle. Giving them a stable environment may be more important than simply staying together for the kids. It may be doing them more harm than good.
(SIERRA LEONE) Indeed we can think of the children. However, if you are the struggling one, I mean the woman, and the man cares not about the upkeep of the home, even a single cent in say 7 years of marriage. Neither pregnancies, nor births cause him to spend a single cent. He hides money from his wife and family and yet he lives in a house paid for by his wife and eats food provided by his wife out of hard labour. Then divorce will be better for the children, no doubt. Otherwise they may end up being orphans. Daddy is useless, and mum is too stressed and battered to be effective.
(USA) I am in a verbally abusive/angry relationship with a husband who comes from a family where both parents have depression. We have a seven and five year old. The anger is now escallating to the children and they are becoming angry. Another problem is that he cares for them when he is home four days a week and I work. He insists on controlling the home environment when he’s home even if I try to help when not working. He will not seek counseling for depression, our marriage, etc. He brings our son to play therapy at a time I cannot go so I am sure he is telling the therapist how bad I am. Therapy is not helping my son but now my husband has someone else that thinks he’s the neatest guy!
In Church he comes off to everyone as such a Christian but a Christian would not yell and call his wife names in front of the kids almost daily. I am more educated than he is and he says I am arrogant but I never bring it up, it’s his insecurities. If I divorce him, he said there would be a huge legal battle for custody. It’s a control. And, the kids would be alone with him more in a joint custody situation that I could not buffer them from. How could I leave???