I’ll never forget it. Elizabeth Einstein, a well-respected stepfamily author and trainer, stunned a group of ministers when she told us to make remarriage difficult for couples in our churches1. She wasn’t implying that remarriage is wrong, but was simply suggesting that remarriage-particularly when children are involved —is very challenging. Couples should count the cost and be highly educated about the process before they remarry.
Eyes Wide Open
The following list represents key “costs” and “challenges” every single-parent (or those dating a single-parent) should know before deciding to remarry. Open wide both your eyes now and you —and your children —will be grateful later.
1. Wait 2-3 years following divorce or the death of your spouse before seriously dating.
No, I’m not kidding. Most people need a few years to fully heal from a ending of a previous relationship. Moving into new relationships short-circuits the healing process. So do yourself a favor and grieve the pain. Don’t run from it. In addition, your children will need at least this much time to heal and find stability in their visitation schedule. Slow down.
2. Date two years before deciding to marry; then date their children before the wedding.
Dating two years gives you time to really get to know one another. Too many relationships are formed on the rebound when both persons lack godly discernment about their fit with a new person. Give yourself plenty of time to get to know them thoroughly. Keep in mind —and this is very important —that dating is inconsistent with remarried life. Even if everything feels right, dramatic psychological and emotional shifts often take place for children, parents, and stepparents right after the wedding. What seems like smooth sailing can become a rocky storm in a hurry. Don’t be fooled into thinking you won’t experience difficulties. As one parent said, “Falling in love is not enough when it comes to remarriage; there’s just more required than that.”
When you do become serious about marriage, date with the intention of deepening the stepparent-stepchild relationships. Young children can attach themselves to a future stepparent rather quickly. So make sure you’re serious before spending lots of time together. Older children will need more time (research suggests that the best time to remarry is before a child’s 10th birthday or after his/her 16th). Couples who marry between those years collide with the teens developmental needs.
3. Know how to “cook” [or make] a stepfamily.
Most people think the way to “cook” a stepfamily is with a blender (“blended family”), microwave, pressure cooker, or food processor. Nothing could be further from the truth. All of these “cooking styles” attempt to combine the family ingredients in a rapid fashion. Unfortunately, resentment and frustration are the only results.
The way to cook a stepfamily is with a crock-pot. Once thrown into the pot, it will take time and low-heat to bring ingredients together. This requires that adults step into a new marriage with determination and patience. The average stepfamily takes 5-7 years to combine; some take longer. There are no quick recipes, only dedicated journeyman.
4. Realize that the “honeymoon” comes at the end of the journey for remarried couples, not the beginning.
Ingredients thrown into a crock-pot that have not had sufficient time to cook don’t taste good. They might make you sick. Couples need to understand that the rewards of stepfamily life (e.g., security, family identity, and gratitude for one another) come at the end of the journey. Just as the Israelites traveled a long time before entering the Promise Land, so will it be for your stepfamily.
5. Think about the kids: “Yours and Mine.”
Children experience numerous losses before entering a stepfamily. In fact, your remarriage is another. It sabotages their fantasy that mom and dad can reconcile, or that a deceased parent will always hold their place in the home. Seriously consider your children’s losses before deciding to remarry. If waiting till your children leave home before you remarry is not an option. Work to be sensitive to your child’s loss issues. Don’t rush them and don’t take their grief away.
6. Manage and be sensitive to old loyalties.
Even in the best of circumstances children feel torn between their biological parents. They likely feel that enjoying your dating partner will please you but betray their other parent. Don’t force children to make choices (an “emotional tug-of-war”) and examine the binds they feel. Give them your permission to love and respect new people in the other home. And let them warm up to your new spouse in their own time.
7. Don’t expect your partner (new spouse) to feel the same about your children as you do.
It’s a good fantasy, but stepparents won’t experience or care for your children to the same degree as you do. This is not to say that stepparents and stepchildren can’t have close bonds, they can. But it won’t be the same. When looking at your daughter, you will see a sixteen-year-old who brought you mud pies when they were four and showered you with hugs each night after work. Your spouse will see a self-centered brat who won’t abide by the house rules. Expect to have different opinions and to disagree on parenting decisions.
8. Realize that remarriage has unique barriers.
Are you more committed to your children or your marriage? If you aren’t willing to risk losing your child to the other home, for example, don’t make the commitment of marriage. Making a covenant does not mean neglecting your kids. But it does mean that they are taught which relationship is your ultimate priority. A marriage that is not the priority will be mediocre at best.
Another unique barrier involves the ghost of marriage past. Individuals can be haunted by the negative experiences of previous relationships and not even recognize how it is impacting the new marriage. Work to not interpret the present in light of the past, or you might be destined to repeat it.
9. Parent as a team; get your plan ready.
No single challenge is more predictive of stepfamily success than the ability of the couple to parent as a team. Stepparents must find their role, know their limits in authority, and borrow power from the biological parent in order to contribute to parental leadership. Biological parents must keep alive their role as primary disciplinarian and nurturer. They must support the stepparent’s developing role (read The Smart Stepfamily: Seven Steps to a Healthy Family for a complete discussion of parental roles). Managing these roles will not be easy; get a plan and stick together.
10. Know what to tell the kids. Tell them:
- It’s okay to be confused about the new people in your life.
- It’s okay to be sad about our divorce (or parent’s death).
- You need to find someone safe to talk to about all this.
- You don’t have to love my new spouse. But you do need to treat them with the same respect you would give a coach or teacher at school.
- Also, you don’t have to take sides. When you feel caught in the middle between our home and your other home, please tell me and we’ll stop.
- You belong to two homes with different rules, routines, and relationships. Find your place and contribute good things in each.
- The stress of our new home will reduce, eventually.
- I love you and will always have enough room in my heart for you. I know it’s hard sharing me with someone else. But please know that I love you.
- Work Smarter, Not Harder
For stepfamilies, accidentally finding their way through the wilderness to the Promised Land is a rarity. Successful navigation requires a map. You’ve got to work smarter, not harder. Don’t begin a new family until you educate yourself on the options and challenges that lie ahead.
1 Elizabeth Einstein, Workshop: “Strengthening Our Stepfamilies: A Developmental Approach,” November 7, 1997, Harding University, Searcy, Arkansas.
Ron L. Deal, M.MFT. is author of Smart Stepfamily, The: Seven Steps to a Healthy Family
Filed under: Remarriage
Number 1. Listen to it. I didn’t. Biggest mistake EVER!!! I know it feels hard to do, but you MUST do it. Please listen. You may think it’s right, but it’s not. It’s emotion taking over. Wait two years before even dating. I know it’s hard, but don’t hurry into another, bigger mistake. You’ll hate yourself in two years for not waiting. Pray about it deeply.
My Mother and father were married before my Mother graduated from High School. There were problems after they were married. I was born after my Mother graduated from High School. My mother got mistreated by my father. He took no responsibility for either of us. Mother divorced him after I was 3 years old. My father paid no child support before or after the divorce.
Mother dated a divorced man with a son a few months, then married him before my 4th birthday. She didn’t know enough about my stepfather. Mother already had me, then she start helping raise my stepbrother. My Mother and stepfather had a son together after 2 years of marriage. We weren’t like the Brady Bunch. Mother put up with my stepfather’s Ex wife, and her family about my stepbrother.
My Mother became his Momma. His Mother bought him back. I was jealous of him because he got the best by his other family. I got what my Mother could afford to buy me, and my Uncle’s hand me downs. No child support from my father. He remarried, but he and his wife did not have any children.
History has repeated itself. My stepbrother’s Mother had been married 3 times but before but his High School graduation. His Mother divorced his dad and his 1st stepfather. My stepfather’s 1st
wife came out of a troubled home. Her mother divorced her dad. He was nothing. My stepfather’s former mother in law remarried a divorced man. My stepbrother’s Maternal grandmother and step grandpa were
very good people. Every one of my stepbrother’s mother’s siblings got a divorce. His Uncle left a wife and two sons and moved off to another state. He found another woman, and had a 2nd family. The youngest, a sister, she had three daughters by her first husband. He left her a widow. He drowned in the ocean trying to save his children. The oldest still remembers it. The marriage wasn’t good.
The youngest, my stepbrother’s aunt, a widow with three daughters remarried. The marriage ended in divorce. My stepbrother has been married and divorced three times. He left 4 children, two sons and two daughters when he left their Mother. The youngest son died of a drug overdose. He had been drinking too with a lousy friend. The youngest son was found dead by his girlfriend. A life wasted.
My half brother has been married two times. His 1st wife came out of a broken home. They each had 1 son. It was both of their faults, because the marriage didn’t work. My nephew seemed to be put on the back burner. He has mental problems. He is in a mental hospital.
I will soon be 57. Single, no family of my own. My father is deceased. If I were to marry now, I would do a lot of praying, because I take marriage vows seriously. Most of the women my age are divorced or are coming as widows. They have children. My advice to any single man is to pray and seek Godly counsel. If you have any doubts, please do not marry and find out later it was a mistake. Get to know the person.
I and my wife was married for 11 years, we divorced 2 years ago, she remarried to another man immediately after our divorced. I have been living alone since then. I want to remarry to another woman also but have been finding it difficult to enter into relationship with another woman. What do I do please. We have 2 daughters, they are with their Mum, I am 37 years old .
I have been with Fiance almost 9 years. We have been engaged a little over 3 yrs. We didn’t get married after his 24 yr. old daughter told him that she didn’t want him to marry me. She just got married and at photo time Fiance told me to go wait with guests that I didn’t know. During the seating his ex ‘s mother tells me that ex wanted her to defend bride. I then understood that the ex was behind the ruination of my wedding. I told fiance that I am not going to be treated like this again and if there is another family photo then I better be in it. It is a deal breaker for me. Any advice would be appreciated.. Thank you and GOD BLESS.
If a woman is widowed and remarries, is it OK for her to share memories of per past husband with her new husband.