I’ll never forget it. Elizabeth Einstein, a well-respected stepfamily author and trainer, stunned a group of ministers when she told us to make remarriage difficult for couples in our churches1. She wasn’t implying that remarriage is wrong, but was simply suggesting that remarriage-particularly when children are involved —is very challenging. Couples should count the cost and be highly educated about the process before they remarry.
Eyes Wide Open
The following list represents key “costs” and “challenges” every single-parent (or those dating a single-parent) should know before deciding to remarry. Open wide both your eyes now and you —and your children —will be grateful later.
1. Wait 2-3 years following divorce or the death of your spouse before seriously dating.
No, I’m not kidding. Most people need a few years to fully heal from a ending of a previous relationship. Moving into new relationships short-circuits the healing process. So do yourself a favor and grieve the pain. Don’t run from it. In addition, your children will need at least this much time to heal and find stability in their visitation schedule. Slow down.
2. Date two years before deciding to marry; then date their children before the wedding.
Dating two years gives you time to really get to know one another. Too many relationships are formed on the rebound when both persons lack godly discernment about their fit with a new person. Give yourself plenty of time to get to know them thoroughly. Keep in mind —and this is very important —that dating is inconsistent with remarried life. Even if everything feels right, dramatic psychological and emotional shifts often take place for children, parents, and stepparents right after the wedding. What seems like smooth sailing can become a rocky storm in a hurry. Don’t be fooled into thinking you won’t experience difficulties. As one parent said, “Falling in love is not enough when it comes to remarriage; there’s just more required than that.”
When you do become serious about marriage, date with the intention of deepening the stepparent-stepchild relationships. Young children can attach themselves to a future stepparent rather quickly. So make sure you’re serious before spending lots of time together. Older children will need more time (research suggests that the best time to remarry is before a child’s 10th birthday or after his/her 16th). Couples who marry between those years collide with the teens developmental needs.
3. Know how to “cook” [or make] a stepfamily.
Most people think the way to “cook” a stepfamily is with a blender (“blended family”), microwave, pressure cooker, or food processor. Nothing could be further from the truth. All of these “cooking styles” attempt to combine the family ingredients in a rapid fashion. Unfortunately, resentment and frustration are the only results.
The way to cook a stepfamily is with a crock-pot. Once thrown into the pot, it will take time and low-heat to bring ingredients together. This requires that adults step into a new marriage with determination and patience. The average stepfamily takes 5-7 years to combine; some take longer. There are no quick recipes, only dedicated journeyman.
4. Realize that the “honeymoon” comes at the end of the journey for remarried couples, not the beginning.
Ingredients thrown into a crock-pot that have not had sufficient time to cook don’t taste good. They might make you sick. Couples need to understand that the rewards of stepfamily life (e.g., security, family identity, and gratitude for one another) come at the end of the journey. Just as the Israelites traveled a long time before entering the Promise Land, so will it be for your stepfamily.
5. Think about the kids: “Yours and Mine.”
Children experience numerous losses before entering a stepfamily. In fact, your remarriage is another. It sabotages their fantasy that mom and dad can reconcile, or that a deceased parent will always hold their place in the home. Seriously consider your children’s losses before deciding to remarry. If waiting till your children leave home before you remarry is not an option. Work to be sensitive to your child’s loss issues. Don’t rush them and don’t take their grief away.
6. Manage and be sensitive to old loyalties.
Even in the best of circumstances children feel torn between their biological parents. They likely feel that enjoying your dating partner will please you but betray their other parent. Don’t force children to make choices (an “emotional tug-of-war”) and examine the binds they feel. Give them your permission to love and respect new people in the other home. And let them warm up to your new spouse in their own time.
7. Don’t expect your partner (new spouse) to feel the same about your children as you do.
It’s a good fantasy, but stepparents won’t experience or care for your children to the same degree as you do. This is not to say that stepparents and stepchildren can’t have close bonds, they can. But it won’t be the same. When looking at your daughter, you will see a sixteen-year-old who brought you mud pies when they were four and showered you with hugs each night after work. Your spouse will see a self-centered brat who won’t abide by the house rules. Expect to have different opinions and to disagree on parenting decisions.
8. Realize that remarriage has unique barriers.
Are you more committed to your children or your marriage? If you aren’t willing to risk losing your child to the other home, for example, don’t make the commitment of marriage. Making a covenant does not mean neglecting your kids. But it does mean that they are taught which relationship is your ultimate priority. A marriage that is not the priority will be mediocre at best.
Another unique barrier involves the ghost of marriage past. Individuals can be haunted by the negative experiences of previous relationships and not even recognize how it is impacting the new marriage. Work to not interpret the present in light of the past, or you might be destined to repeat it.
9. Parent as a team; get your plan ready.
No single challenge is more predictive of stepfamily success than the ability of the couple to parent as a team. Stepparents must find their role, know their limits in authority, and borrow power from the biological parent in order to contribute to parental leadership. Biological parents must keep alive their role as primary disciplinarian and nurturer. They must support the stepparent’s developing role (read The Smart Stepfamily: Seven Steps to a Healthy Family for a complete discussion of parental roles). Managing these roles will not be easy; get a plan and stick together.
10. Know what to tell the kids. Tell them:
- It’s okay to be confused about the new people in your life.
- It’s okay to be sad about our divorce (or parent’s death).
- You need to find someone safe to talk to about all this.
- You don’t have to love my new spouse. But you do need to treat them with the same respect you would give a coach or teacher at school.
- Also, you don’t have to take sides. When you feel caught in the middle between our home and your other home, please tell me and we’ll stop.
- You belong to two homes with different rules, routines, and relationships. Find your place and contribute good things in each.
- The stress of our new home will reduce, eventually.
- I love you and will always have enough room in my heart for you. I know it’s hard sharing me with someone else. But please know that I love you.
- Work Smarter, Not Harder
For stepfamilies, accidentally finding their way through the wilderness to the Promised Land is a rarity. Successful navigation requires a map. You’ve got to work smarter, not harder. Don’t begin a new family until you educate yourself on the options and challenges that lie ahead.
1 Elizabeth Einstein, Workshop: “Strengthening Our Stepfamilies: A Developmental Approach,” November 7, 1997, Harding University, Searcy, Arkansas.
Ron L. Deal, M.MFT. is author of Smart Stepfamily, The: Seven Steps to a Healthy Family
Filed under: Remarriage
(USA) I divorced my husband in 1998, after a ten year ordeal of sexual, verbal and emotional abuse. He refused counseling and any other kind of help and told me that he ‘wasn’t gonna change’. Living with him was an indescribable hell of constant belittling, terror and forced sodomy.
I had to leave Christianity behind in order to be able to leave my marriage. My husband left me no choice because he didn’t want help and he sure didn’t want me to get any judging by the verbal abuse I had to deal with because I was seeing a therapist weekly. You all don’t know what adversity is, or pain for that matter, if you think staying with an abusive, hateful spouse is better than getting a divorce. Ending my marriage was an act of self defense and I knew I’d never be able to do it if I kept myself in slavery to Christianity. No wonder women are becoming so disillusioned by it and so many of us have left.
To Alissa, Am so sorry for what you have to endure with your ex husband. I believe God does not intend marriage to be abusive but to be full of love, companionship. I am so sorry you had to go through a divorce; however, I am not happy that you had to leave Christianity, you could have tried to look for other churches who are able to interpret the word of God better and make you feel accepted in the body of Christ than to just outrightly leave Christianity.
I want to let you know that God loves you dearly and wants you back to Him, despite all that you believe He has allowed in your life, trust me those you think have a better marriage have some other type of cross they have to bear; please come back to God (not “religion”) and He will gladly accept you with open arms just like the prodigal son who was accepted even though a lot of people condemned him. But my God is a merciful God, He loves you too much and He is reaching out to you to come back please come back to my loving Father. I can tell you from personal experience that when you go thru abuses and then divorce it feels like God has abandoned you and He does not care, but trust me He does and He alone can mend our broken hearts, so please find God, and be at peace with your maker.
If you rely on religion to make you acceptable to God your creator, trust me, it will fail you; pastors will fail you, elders of the church will fail you but if you hold on to God he will never fail you no matter how impossible the situation is. Hopefully you have found a loving partner who is able to give you an unconditional love like the love of Christ. Love from Monika USA
(USA) The following is an excerpt from “The Good News About God” (http://goodnewsaboutgod.com) and has helped me in sorting out this confusion about divorce and remarriage. Maybe it will do the same for you. To read the entire text, go to: http://goodnewsaboutgod.com/studies/spiritual/home_study/divorce.htm.
Is adultery grounds for divorce? No, adultery is not necessarily grounds for divorce. If the partner who has committed adultery is truly sorry and stops the adultery, the spouse should forgive and work to re-establish the marriage. The only real grounds for a divorce is if a husband or wife abandons his or her spouse and states that he or she does not want to be married anymore. Then the spouse who is abandoning his or her partner must give the abandoned spouse a divorce. God does not penalize the abandoned spouse by denying them the right to remarry. That would be vindictive and unjust on God’s part. In addition, that view is not biblical!
Then why do many religious denominations favor the teaching that remarriage after divorce is adultery? Some churches even expel members who remarry after divorce. And other churches, though they allow the person to remain a member, refuse to allow him or her to hold leadership positions. The Bible passage that is used to support this teaching is Matthew 5:31,32
“It hath been said, Whosoever shall put away his wife, let him give her a writing of divorcement: “But I say unto you, that whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causes her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced commits adultery.” (King James Version)
However, there is one word in this passage that has been incorrectly translated, which changes the entire interpretation. As so often is the case, one must dig deeper to find the true meaning. One must go back to the original Greek Scriptures to understand God’s Word. The Interlinear Bible gives the original Greek with the English words below, allowing us to sort out this dilemma. Here is the literal translation of these two texts:
“It was also said, Whoever puts away his wife, let him give her a bill of divorce. But I say to you, Whoever puts away his wife, apart from a matter of fornication, causes her to commit adultery. And whoever shall marry the one put away commits adultery.” Matthew 5:31,32
The specific issue here is the difference between the words “put away” and the word “divorce.” In the literal translation of these two texts, Matt 5:31,32, you will notice that there are three instances of the phrase “put away” as opposed to the two instances of “put away” in the King James Version (KJV). In the KJV, the third phrase, “put away” is incorrectly translated “divorce.”
Below is the interlinear translation, showing the Greek and English. Directly above the Greek words are numbers that correspond to that particular word in Strong’s Concordance. On the left side is the literal translation in English showing the three phrases, “put away.” On the right hand side is the King James Version, showing only two phrases translated “put away.” In the King James Version, the third phrase “put away” is incorrectly translated “divorce.”
The Greek words for “put away” and “divorce” are very different and cannot be used synonymously. The Greek word for “put away” is apoluo (#630 in Strong’s Concordance) and means to depart, dismiss, or separate. But the word for divorce is apostasion (#647 in Strong’s Concordance). Jesus is saying that if a husband wants to divorce his wife, he cannot just throw her out, he must give her a proper bill of divorcement. If he does not give her a bill of divorcement, then, if she marries again –without being properly divorced –both she and her new husband will be guilty of adultery -because she is still legally married to her previous husband.
The Christian church has erroneously accepted the incorrect translation found in the King James Version and most other modern translations of the Bible. By changing the third phrase “put away” to “divorce” in the last sentence of verse 32, the “church” then can claim that a divorced person who remarries has committed adultery!
This is just another instance of the translators changing the truth of the word of God by their erroneous translations. This incorrect translation is so obvious that it could not have been done by mistake. What is the motive of the translators? Who knows for sure, but it certainly gives the “church” more control over its members! In addition, it makes God appear punitive, when He is not.
God does not punish us for sin. He allows us to reap what we have sown, therefore our chastisement is remedial. It is meant to turn us back to right-doing. It is the church that wants more control, it is the church that wants the members punished for their sins, and it is the church that makes God appear harsh and vindictive –characteristics that belong to Satan -not to God.
(INDIA) Very good to read and got some insight and got confidence. Thank you for sharing.
(NIGERIA) I have been greatly enlightened by reading your comments on this site. Please can anyone put me through in my present state? I am as confused as confused can be and need urgent help. Before I got married to my husband, I had lost the first to a car accident and had two sons, 6 and 4. They lived with my parents over the agreement for us to get settled first before they move in. My mum passed on the following year and my kids had to move in with us. I now have had a son from my husband.
At their coming over, my husband tried to be nice to them at first but before long, he had become unbearably hostile toward them. He verbally and physically abused them and told them he was not their father and that they should demand to know from me who their father is. It was too bad I had to move them away to my father. No member of my family was happy with him over this and they expressed it. Now he keeps swearing that they will never again live under the same roof with him. The reason he now gives is that my father and aunt spoke to him in a manner he didn’t like over the kids.
I am battered all the time, as well as being verbally abused. I have also been cheated upon even on our matrimonial bed. He shows remorse and then I forgive and then it happens again. I miss my kids a lot and regret that I had to ever remarry. I wish they lived with me so I can account for their growth and development. Right now, I am torn in betwixt my two sons and the kids I have with my present husband. Do I allow my first kids to suffer lack of motherly love from no fault of theirs? Should I leave this marriage as every day brings me to such realisation?
How about the kids I now have from him? They are too young. But I think I really wish to leave. I am scared and emotionally strained. Someone please help.
(USA) Cindy Wright, I can’t help but ask you if you think you know better than God. Being remarried is not right by the word of God and should not be done unless death is the reason. Look up Luke 16:18 and Mark 10:11-12 will help you to know if you are telling people to do the right thing. -Your brother in Christ
(U.S.A.) With all due respect to Allen, who addressed Cindy. You will find in the Torah that God has in fact made provision for remarriage even though the former spouse is alive.
Deuteronomy 24:1-4 When a man hath taken a wife, and married her, and it come to pass that she find no favour in his eyes, because he hath found some uncleanness in her: then let him write her a bill of divorcement, and give it in her hand, and send her out of his house. And when she is departed out of his house, she may go and be another man’s wife. And if the latter husband hate her, and write her a bill of divorcement, and giveth it in her hand, and sendeth her out of his house; or if the latter husband die, which took her to be his wife; Her former husband, which sent her away, may not take her again to be his wife, after that she is defiled; for that is abomination before the LORD: and thou shalt not cause the land to sin, which the LORD thy God giveth thee for an inheritance.
By the way, if you look at Torah you know that the translation “some uncleanness” is a gross mistranslation to assume it means she committed adultery. For the Torah demands that adulterers are put to death or sent away without a bill of divorcement (which is to say the woman is as if she is dead to the man, but the woman can never remarry without committing adultery).
One truly needs to look at this from a Hebraic prospective to get what is meant by the Messiah’s words and the words of the Apostles. Anything that contradicts the Torah must be investigated and once the truth is reveal no contradiction will remain. Blessings, Jenna
(USA) I know exactly what you are saying and you are correct, I am a Christian therefore embrace Old and New Testament. To the average person, they do not know that the Old Testament is the Torah and all that the Orthodox Jew believes to be of God. I believe it all to be from God. I have noticed there are many that do not believe God ever allows for divorce but you are correct, He does in the case of adultery and now having been the victim of it, I understand why. You cannot undo defiled or dead. He violated every Commndment to be with her and broke every promise he made to me and God.
Although the perpetrator, I feel sorry for my husband for what he has to answer for. This didn’t just happen. In the 23 years we’ve been together, he has had a heart full and allowed his thoughts to go on. Sadly, like all the others he has ever known, she was after money and made that clear. He’s never had much luck with women which made him inscure and desperate. The men in his family are simple, uneducated; they believe it’s manly to get with every one you can and I do mean-ANYTHING -rather than love your own woman as Christ loves His bride and those things we teach our kids rarely every leave.
Every person in his family, male or female is like that. I really prayed that my husband would be different. His father killed his mother then himself over money and not much. That is another piece of the devil that trickles down. Why he would not put his energy into the great family God has blessed us with I’ll never know. Other than that’s how the devil works. A house divided cannot stand and your foes will be that of your own household (Matthew 10-36). You are also correct that anything that contradicts the word of God is not to be trusted. Shalom
(U.S.A.) By the way, as for this article it does have some good tips. However, dating is not biblical at all. Nor should one tell another how long they should wait before entering into another relationship. If we must put our trust in God HE will bring the right person at the right time. We have to be very careful to be sure that everything that directs our lives lines up with scripture, no matter how much “sense” is “seems” to make.
You will find no examples of dating in scripture. Nor do you find anywhere that Abba Yah tells us how long to wait after a death or divorce before remarrying. Are we to believe that He did not see the high divorce rate and remarriage coming? :-) Certainly not. So, we must look to Him and the scriptures to see what we are to do. Sure, He uses teachers to show us His truth. Ah, but that is the key, are they showing us His truth or their truth according to worldly ideas they have unintentionally absorbed?
(USA) This is mind boggling. There is so much confusion around the Catholic religion this day ,such hypacritical acts going on, molestations, annulments that the church approves. Some they don’t, some you can pay for… remarriage is except in the catholic church. I was just in this boat, was married 23 yrs ago my husband divorced me. There was no saving a marriage with no love. We married for our daughter, thus his addictions to drugs led him far from me emotionally and physically.
Now some 10 yrs after living with my now husband, I’m hearing after we felt guilty not being married and did the proper thing in God’s eyes and married, we thought that in fact it against God’s desires… what? My faith in the Catholic Church has been severely destroyed as to the horrible things I’ve seen and heard in my adult life. My belief in God and Jesus is as strong as ever but I can’t believe God would want me to throw away the best man who ever crossed my path to go looking for someone who cared more for himself than me and his family.
He now is divorcing for the second time for the same reasons. I’d be a fool and God surely knows I would. I’ve committed myself to serving God and to the best of my ability, to do what’s right. But I’m human, and I’m guessing God would hopefully forgive my lack of endurance with a loveless marriage to a man who just didn’t want me. I can’t make that work. So you say stay single and be alone forever? Like I said, it’s mind boggling. Why then did my pastor say he could marry us in the church? My now husband had his marraige annulled and I never married in the church. Now isn’t life hard enough?
(SOUTH AFRICA) My heart goes out to all those who had to end their marriages because of one reason or the other. Sometimes we are so quick to judge and put ourselves in God’s seat where other people are concerned. Those who judge divorcees, how many times do you disobey the Holy Spirit when He speaks to you and then you feel bad afterward? My question is, when you go to God later and ask for His forgiveness does He turn you down and say your sin is unpardonable? Sometimes when you are confused about something, does God scold you and say ‘go and find out what my Word says, if you err then I condemn you’? I think not. He is a loving Father who understands that we are human. He also understands that at times, even though we know what the Word says, we can be weighed done by the reality of the situation at hand.
It is true that the Word of God does not change but God understands our weakness as humans. I do not condone divorce in a situation whereby people just use it as an easy way out instead of working out their issues. I feel for those people who have already remarried due to some difficult situations. God is your Father. Instead of going around asking people who will condemn you, go to Him and ask for forgiveness. After that ask Him to direct you and show you what to do.
Many of us have entered into situations that are not the perfect will of God for our lives. When we humble ourselves before Him He shows us compassion, not condemnation. The Spirit of God does not condemn so that you will die of guilt. Instead He will show you a way out in His own gently way. For those who are considering divorce, for whatever reason, adultery included, seek His face face and hear what he has to say about your situation. You must understand that there is nothing impossible with God. He can make your difficult partner eat out of your hand. He can turn your bitter situation into honey. When you seek Him ask that His will be done in your situation. Don’t go to Him already having a plan of your own because in that case He may not answer you.
(USA) I hope this is of help. I got the information off my churches website. It might clear up some confusion regarding divorce. God Bless.
Marriage is for Life: a holy institution that is binding before God, giving neither partner liberty to marry again as long as the first companion lives. Mark 10:6-12; Romans 7:1-3.
The Bible teaches that marriage is binding for life. Under the New Testament teachings of Christ, there is only one allowable cause for separation, and that is fornication (a sexual relationship prior to marriage). This provision was related to the Jewish tradition of betrothal. If, during the approximate one year betrothal period which preceded the physical consummation of the marriage, one of the parties committed fornication, the other party could terminate the marriage agreement. This allowance for divorce does not apply to those who have consummated their marriage today, since such unfaithfulness is regarded as adultery rather than fornication.
In Matthew 19:4-6, Jesus restated God’s plan for marriage as first recorded in Genesis 2:24. He emphasized the sacredness of this union with the instruction, “What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.” While there may be occasions when a Christian is separated or divorced, no allowance is made for a person to marry again while the first companion lives. Matthew 5:31-32; 19:9; Mark 10:11-12; Luke 16:18; Romans 7:2-3
Information from Apostolic Faith Church website: http://apostolicfaith.org/OurFaith/Doctrines/CompleteList.aspx
I am searching for a solution and this discussion has come as close to my situation as anything that I have seen. I am divorced and remarried. My former spouse cheated on me and the mistress had his baby. We decided to stay together for the sake of our 2 children. My ex-husband and she did not get along together after paternity was established. She was a stalker and ended up moving in to the neighborhood so that she could send her son to the elementary school that our children attended. She got a job a the YMCA that we were members at so that she could see us come and go.
Once the child was older she got a job at the middle school where my where my daughter attended. Every step of the way she would harass me and my children at PTA meetings etc. After putting up with this for years we finally divorced. It was more than just her stalking, but his lack of financial support and presence in our life.
So fast forward to now. I remarried 4 years ago to a wonderful man that has two children as well. They were living in an area that was a one hour drive from our current location. He and his son, moved in with me and my children when we married. His daughter remained living with his ex-wife. Since then his ex-wife and daughter have moved to the same neighborhood so that she could go to the same high school as her brother, and step-brother and sister. Now the ex-wife is on the same PTA board, which is fine. She is not a stalker like the mistress of my ex-husband, and we are pleasant to each other when we see each other.
When my current husband and I were looking for a church family to belong to more than four years ago, we took the job seriously. We wanted a place that we and all of our kids would be happy and have a strong sense of community. We found that church and were married in that church 4 years ago and absolutely love it. We have invited our respective ex-spouses to special occasions there, such as confirmation and Easter, and they happily obliged. So here is the rub. My husband’s ex-spouse now has been attending more often on her own and wants to make it her church too! I have said to my husband that I am not comfortable with this and that I wish that he would express that to her. His reply is that we have no right asking her not to attend there. I feel that OUR marriage should come first and if he is not comfortable telling her then perhaps we should change our membership to another church. Thoughts?
Friends, Pray and read the Bible in it’s entirety as the whole and not just the sum of its parts. Allow the Holy Spirit to move and jostle your inner wrestles for better development. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith and not of your own doing or works, less you should boast. But it is the Grace of God and His salvation freely given unto you who believe and have faith through his only son Jesus that saves you. You have been Predestined, Justified, Regenerated, Sanctified, Made Manifest, Made Righteous… Made Sons of God! http://www.goodnewsaboutgod.com/studies/spiritual/home_study/divorce.htm
Hi All, By reading the comments I find amongst them the heartache of all those that did not want a divorce. We have no control over the actions of our spouses, only our own. My husband left me for another woman; I had no control over that. He knew what he was doing was wrong in the eyes of God but went ahead all the same.
“He deserved to be happy”. My heart has been broken in two. The sad thing is that God’s grace is taken for granted and the unfaithful believe that they can just ask forgiveness and hit the “re-set button” and all will be well. They deliberately go ahead trusting God is going to be on their side and bless their adulterous relationships. They are not repentant or sorry in any way. I leave the situation in Gods hands. Who am I to judge?
I am a little disturbed at the uncertainty and confusion about how Christian parents should treat their stepchildren. The Bible does not deal specifically with this issue, simply because we’re instructed to love our God above all things, and to love our neighbor as ourselves. Who is my neighbor? My closest and immediate neighbors would be my spouse, my children (whether his or mine or ours), and whosoever crosses my path, whether it’s the cashier at the supermarket, the bank teller, the law enforcement officer, my spouses’s friends, my next door neighbor, whosoever. So what more of my spouse’s children??
My first husband left me and our 8 children to live with another woman whom he had impregnated. He refused to return home. I waited 2 years. I “put him away” for fornication.
My second husband molested my daughters. I believe that falls under “fornication” as well.
I have served and honored God, been respectful and submissive to these men, and been a loving and devoted wife and mother.
I’ve spoken with a dozen pastors of several denominations (Southern Baptist, Methodist, Church of God, e-free, charismatic, pentecostal, traditional–literally a dozen). It’s unanimous that I’m biblically free to remarry.
Thus, having taken my guidance from an abundance of counselors and seeking His counsel as well, I’m confident that I’m being obedient. And I’m confident that, because my intention is not to sin, I’m under the grace of the blood of Jesus in the event my conclusions are mistaken. Bless you all.
In this article you do not talk about courting; all you keep saying is dating and there is a difference in courting and dating. Courting is a lot better then dating. My husband courted me. Now he is in heaven. I hope if I ever do get married again, the next guy is going to have to court me also.