I’ll never forget it. Elizabeth Einstein, a well-respected stepfamily author and trainer, stunned a group of ministers when she told us to make remarriage difficult for couples in our churches1. She wasn’t implying that remarriage is wrong, but was simply suggesting that remarriage-particularly when children are involved —is very challenging. Couples should count the cost and be highly educated about the process before they remarry.
Eyes Wide Open
The following list represents key “costs” and “challenges” every single-parent (or those dating a single-parent) should know before deciding to remarry. Open wide both your eyes now and you —and your children —will be grateful later.
1. Wait 2-3 years following divorce or the death of your spouse before seriously dating.
No, I’m not kidding. Most people need a few years to fully heal from a ending of a previous relationship. Moving into new relationships short-circuits the healing process. So do yourself a favor and grieve the pain. Don’t run from it. In addition, your children will need at least this much time to heal and find stability in their visitation schedule. Slow down.
2. Date two years before deciding to marry; then date their children before the wedding.
Dating two years gives you time to really get to know one another. Too many relationships are formed on the rebound when both persons lack godly discernment about their fit with a new person. Give yourself plenty of time to get to know them thoroughly. Keep in mind —and this is very important —that dating is inconsistent with remarried life. Even if everything feels right, dramatic psychological and emotional shifts often take place for children, parents, and stepparents right after the wedding. What seems like smooth sailing can become a rocky storm in a hurry. Don’t be fooled into thinking you won’t experience difficulties. As one parent said, “Falling in love is not enough when it comes to remarriage; there’s just more required than that.”
When you do become serious about marriage, date with the intention of deepening the stepparent-stepchild relationships. Young children can attach themselves to a future stepparent rather quickly. So make sure you’re serious before spending lots of time together. Older children will need more time (research suggests that the best time to remarry is before a child’s 10th birthday or after his/her 16th). Couples who marry between those years collide with the teens developmental needs.
3. Know how to “cook” [or make] a stepfamily.
Most people think the way to “cook” a stepfamily is with a blender (“blended family”), microwave, pressure cooker, or food processor. Nothing could be further from the truth. All of these “cooking styles” attempt to combine the family ingredients in a rapid fashion. Unfortunately, resentment and frustration are the only results.
The way to cook a stepfamily is with a crock-pot. Once thrown into the pot, it will take time and low-heat to bring ingredients together. This requires that adults step into a new marriage with determination and patience. The average stepfamily takes 5-7 years to combine; some take longer. There are no quick recipes, only dedicated journeyman.
4. Realize that the “honeymoon” comes at the end of the journey for remarried couples, not the beginning.
Ingredients thrown into a crock-pot that have not had sufficient time to cook don’t taste good. They might make you sick. Couples need to understand that the rewards of stepfamily life (e.g., security, family identity, and gratitude for one another) come at the end of the journey. Just as the Israelites traveled a long time before entering the Promise Land, so will it be for your stepfamily.
5. Think about the kids: “Yours and Mine.”
Children experience numerous losses before entering a stepfamily. In fact, your remarriage is another. It sabotages their fantasy that mom and dad can reconcile, or that a deceased parent will always hold their place in the home. Seriously consider your children’s losses before deciding to remarry. If waiting till your children leave home before you remarry is not an option. Work to be sensitive to your child’s loss issues. Don’t rush them and don’t take their grief away.
6. Manage and be sensitive to old loyalties.
Even in the best of circumstances children feel torn between their biological parents. They likely feel that enjoying your dating partner will please you but betray their other parent. Don’t force children to make choices (an “emotional tug-of-war”) and examine the binds they feel. Give them your permission to love and respect new people in the other home. And let them warm up to your new spouse in their own time.
7. Don’t expect your partner (new spouse) to feel the same about your children as you do.
It’s a good fantasy, but stepparents won’t experience or care for your children to the same degree as you do. This is not to say that stepparents and stepchildren can’t have close bonds, they can. But it won’t be the same. When looking at your daughter, you will see a sixteen-year-old who brought you mud pies when they were four and showered you with hugs each night after work. Your spouse will see a self-centered brat who won’t abide by the house rules. Expect to have different opinions and to disagree on parenting decisions.
8. Realize that remarriage has unique barriers.
Are you more committed to your children or your marriage? If you aren’t willing to risk losing your child to the other home, for example, don’t make the commitment of marriage. Making a covenant does not mean neglecting your kids. But it does mean that they are taught which relationship is your ultimate priority. A marriage that is not the priority will be mediocre at best.
Another unique barrier involves the ghost of marriage past. Individuals can be haunted by the negative experiences of previous relationships and not even recognize how it is impacting the new marriage. Work to not interpret the present in light of the past, or you might be destined to repeat it.
9. Parent as a team; get your plan ready.
No single challenge is more predictive of stepfamily success than the ability of the couple to parent as a team. Stepparents must find their role, know their limits in authority, and borrow power from the biological parent in order to contribute to parental leadership. Biological parents must keep alive their role as primary disciplinarian and nurturer. They must support the stepparent’s developing role (read The Smart Stepfamily: Seven Steps to a Healthy Family for a complete discussion of parental roles). Managing these roles will not be easy; get a plan and stick together.
10. Know what to tell the kids. Tell them:
- It’s okay to be confused about the new people in your life.
- It’s okay to be sad about our divorce (or parent’s death).
- You need to find someone safe to talk to about all this.
- You don’t have to love my new spouse. But you do need to treat them with the same respect you would give a coach or teacher at school.
- Also, you don’t have to take sides. When you feel caught in the middle between our home and your other home, please tell me and we’ll stop.
- You belong to two homes with different rules, routines, and relationships. Find your place and contribute good things in each.
- The stress of our new home will reduce, eventually.
- I love you and will always have enough room in my heart for you. I know it’s hard sharing me with someone else. But please know that I love you.
- Work Smarter, Not Harder
For stepfamilies, accidentally finding their way through the wilderness to the Promised Land is a rarity. Successful navigation requires a map. You’ve got to work smarter, not harder. Don’t begin a new family until you educate yourself on the options and challenges that lie ahead.
1 Elizabeth Einstein, Workshop: “Strengthening Our Stepfamilies: A Developmental Approach,” November 7, 1997, Harding University, Searcy, Arkansas.
Ron L. Deal, M.MFT. is author of Smart Stepfamily, The: Seven Steps to a Healthy Family
Filed under: Remarriage
(USA) I am very disappointed in the articles I am seeing here. No one is looking to the Bible to see exactly what God thinks about divorce and remarriage. He hates divorce! Jesus said remarriage is adultery!!
Whosoever putteth away his wife, and marrieth another committeth adultery; and whosoever marrieth her that is put away from her husband committeth adultery (Luke 16:18)
And he saith unto them, Whosoever shall put away his wife, and marry another, committeth adultery against her. And if a woman shall put away her husband, and be married to another, she committeth adultery. (Mark 10:11-12)
For the woman which hath an husband is bound by the law to her husband so long as he liveth; but if the husband be dead, she is loosed from the law of her husband. So then if, while her husband liveth, she be married to another man, she shall be called an adulteress: but if her husband be dead, she is free from that law; so that she is no adulteress, though she be married to another man. (Romans 7:2-3)
And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband: But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife. (1 Corinthians 7:10-11)
The wife is bound by the law as long as her husband liveth; but if her husband be dead, she is at liberty to be married to whom she will; only in the Lord. (1 Corinthians 7:39)
It hath been said, Whosoever shall put away his wife, let him give her a writing of divorcement: But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery. (Matthew 5:31-32)
And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery. (Matthew 19:9)
Those who divorce their covenant spouses and remarry while that covenant spouse is alive is doing nothing but legalizing their adultery.
Those in adulterous marriages need to repent and give it up. (Repent means confess the sin and give up the sin.) The bible says that adulterers will not inherit the kingdom of God, so it is imperative that people do not divorce, but honor their covenant vows.
(USA) Wow… so harsh. I get it -and I agree, to an extent. But there are more circumstances than what you’re saying and it’s not as easy as what you are saying. I took my vows seriously. I would have stayed in my marriage no matter what minus the fact that my now ex-husband cheated on me and left me for another person.
What about? 1 Corinthians 7:15 New International Version (NIV): “But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace.”
“But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery.” -Matthew 5:32
“And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery.” -Matthew 19:9
These Bible verses are not saying that you cannot remarry. They’re saying you shouldn’t remarry if the cause for the divorce wasn’t fornification.
I tried to save my marriage while my husband/partner of 15 years cheated on me during my 1st pregnancy. I tried to get him to go to couples counseling -he wouldn’t. I went by myself. I did the Love Dare while he was actively dating someone in front of me. I prayed, and prayed, and prayed.
He’s gone… you are saying that at 32 years old -God wants me to raise my child by myself and be alone? That is not what those Bible verses are saying. You need to pray on it and really look into it.
Divorce was very hard for me. I tried to do whatever I could to save our marriage -it wasn’t possible. He was a non-believer and didn’t care about anything else. I talked to Church counselors, pastors, read the Bible, etc trying to see if my divorce and impending remarriage is justified -and I believe it is.
(U.S.A) You`re brainwashed. Wake up and face the facts. You`re living in a fantasy world. People change.
I am very sorry for your pain and hurt Molly – and you are correct in what God has shown in the Bible concerning your marriage and remarriage. God bless you and your family! :)
(USA) He does hate Divorce but He hates Adultery worse. It is the same as Blasphemy and murder to Him. He does say EXCEPT FOR IN THE CASE OF ADULTERY, then we can Divorce and remarry. Jesus actually said this.
I’m sure there will be added blessings for those that stay toghether in spite of it but imagine an unrepentant that refuses to stop somewhere like Africa where AIDS is dropping them daily. God does expect us to use our common sense lined uo with His infalliable Word. And He is the final authority.
For Janet: Wow! Super Harsh and under the Law… Not Grace! God implemented rules for sure and for our protection and we are to obey. But while in this world and of the flesh, it’s hard enough we fight against our own flesh much less the flesh of others. My point, we cannot control another person and demand they behave. We only have power and the ability to control ourselves and as much as we can, be at peace with others. Every circumstance and heart is different. I believe God allows some latitude here and can see into the heart of the sinner and it is He who grants repentance.
I’ve been divorced for over thirty years and certainly hope the Lord would still have enough grace and compassion to bless me with a partner someday. I was only married once and it was painful. I learned much from it. We’re all guilty (of something). But b/c of God’s mercy and grace we can be set free from the law and be free to live in forgiveness. Please soften-up some and learn how to have forgiveness for your Christian Brothers and Sisters who are suffering from enough pain and loss without having a Brethren also condemn them. Matt 11:29-30. “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and YOU WILL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”
And for those of us that don’t believe in God…we are free to love our new-found love without judgement.
To Janet, Unbelievable. So may I pray that you experience some of the pains, hurts and heartache of those who endured their marriage for a long time and yet the marriage could not be saved, as much as I wished I had the power to make you go through that suffering. I pray you will not, because it’s the worst thing that can happen to someone – either a man or a woman – and their kids, and I dont wish it on even my enemy. May God have mercy on your harsh and judgmental life.
(USA) AMEN SISTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(S. AFRICA) Dear Janet, God bless you. Yes you are 100% correct. All this talk about divorce and remarriage is NOTHING BUT ADULTERY. No matter what the circumstances the ONLY reason for divorce and remarriage “according to Gods word” is if your spouse has died or committed adultery. God hates divorce.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Janet and Rose, So what does the Word of God say about PORNOGRAPHY? Where does that fit into the whole sphere of “adultery and fornication”? …just wondering. And should one go without a fulfilled life and without the legacy of blessed children if one’s spouse choses to fornicate and commit adultery even though he/she was a CHRISTIAN?!?!?!?!
I think not… Jesus Christ Himself said: “whoever will repent (ask forgiveness and turn from the wicked way) of his sin will be forgiven…” “I came so that you may have LIFE and that more ABUNDANTLY…” A life lived alone is NOT a fulfilled, or abundant life.
(USA) Totally agree. That is why we say “for better, for worse.” People should try working at their marriages by taking biblical counsel and not choose the seemingly easy way out. God is against divorce because he knows that the differences we have are workable and it develops us spiritually at the end of trials.
Fleeing problems wouldn’t change or develop us the way God wants. Marriage tests for patience, longsuffering, unconditional love, faith in God’s power, endurance, trust etc. So i encourage people to go on and see God’s power at work. Most successful couples have gone through and survived the same problems.
(USA) WOW!!! I am so stunned. I was not aware of this serious matter. No wonder I am so unhappy. I did this very thing. My husband divorced me in 2004 and I just remarried March of this year. I love my husband as a brother in Christ but not as a wife should love her husband. I married him out of lonliness and that alone.
I should’ve known better, but I practically begged my former husband to reconcile. He wasn’t having it. I am still in love my former husband. We have three boys together that have to do the visitation thing between us. They say it makes them tired sometimes and they wish they could just stay in one place. They are very nice to my current husband, but it’s not dad.
I feel so bad because I want out of this marriage and I don’t know what to tell him. It will literally crush him. My husband is a very sensitive person. I don’t think he would be able to handle it. He has headaches and vomits when we have strong disagreements. His diabetes gets out of control because he won’t eat when I am upset with him. If I end the marriage and God forbid, he dies, I will carry that guilt with me for who knows how long. I admit that I didn’t trust God with dealing with loneliness. I had to do it my way and I’m still unhappy. God help me. I always get myself into these situations and then regret my decisions because I am so impatient. Thank you. I’m glad I came across this knowledge.
(UNITED STATES) I have read your comments, I agree that God hates divorce… I, at the age of 46, remarried because my first husband of nearly 27 years and 9 children, passed away from cancer. My new husband’s first wife passed away from cancer 10 years earlier also. I can assure you, even though we have entered a new covenant with each other that honors God, we still have the same issues that someone entering remarriage through divorce.
I have read Ron’s book and am currently going through a Step parenting class by the same author with my new husband. The problem is that most of the issues relating to the book and class are focused on divorce issues. We always thought before we were married that we would be fine because we didn’t have the previous spouse who passed away causing conflict in our lives but let me tell you even though the spouse is not physically present in our daily lives we have the issue of the ‘ghost’ of the previous spouse.
Any trained counselor will tell you that a loved one who passed away will over time become almost perfect in the eyes of their children and previous mate. This is an issue that divorce families do not deal with as the person is not there on a daily basis to ‘prove them wrong’ with the fact that they are not perfect and actually do/did have faults.
There are many issues that are the same regardless of divorce or death. As far as I know there are not any studies available for the remarried couple due to death of the first spouse. It may be touched upon in a remarriage book due to divorce but nothing strictly written for remarriage due to the death of a spouse. I view your comments made as no difference than that which are in the book or study group… remarriage happens because of divorce.
Please be aware that there are those out there who didn’t choose to end their first marriage with divorce but have lived on after the death of their mate. And even though the marriage ended on grounds that do not dishonor the covenant made before God and the spouse, there are issues in remarriage just the same and they need to be addressed also.
(USA) Hi Jane, We thoroughly agree with you on what you wrote. There are some issues that are alike, but there are also different issues (some of which you brought up in your comment) which are unique.
I wish we could post more articles on this subject but we’re having a difficult time finding them. Possibly you know of some (or could even eventually write one yourself and allow us to post it to help those who visit this web site)… we’re sure open to finding articles such as you describe. I keep looking, but so far, most articles deal with divorce situations rather than those who are widowed, and if there’s anything dealing with it, it’s too brief and included in another article about divorce situations.
Please pray with us over this issue and if you find anything, please let us know. We’d appreciate it… and we appreciate you for pointing this out. I pray the Lord helps you and your husband build a good marriage together. I pray blessings in Christ upon your home and your marriage.
(USA) Hi, Jane, My husband’s wife died from cancer 5 years before we met, and I was divorced from a man who continued to commit adultery for 20 years due to an addiction he refused to address. We have a similar situation in our home, where the deceased spouse has now become perfect, as was their relationship. It is difficult when you always feel like second best, no matter how hard you try to meet everyone’s needs. Obviously, this isn’t going well, since I’m visiting this web site!
I too turned to prayer, and have recognized that I must turn to God for my value and self-worth. My husband is emotionally absent, and now that our children are in college, I feel that he has no real need for me anymore. My dreams of a loving companion in my golden years are not going to be happening, I fear.
As far as the children go, I am close to the step-daughter that I have raised since she was 11. She doesn’t really remember her mother, and appreciates all that I do for her. There were (and are) differences in how I treat her, and in my expectations for her, as opposed to what I expect from my biological children. One of the most important things that I kept in mind was that when you step in to a parenting situation, you cannot expect the stepchild to reflect your values, or the training that your own children have received from birth.
My husband values rule-following and conformity, and I value risk-taking and innovative thinking. You can imagine how different our children are! I make allowances for my stepdaughter temperament and nature, because she is reflecting my husband’s values and the training she received for her formative years. I also had to work with my husband, and help him realize that my children had to be appreciated for their unique personalities –they were not failures because they didn’t reflect his values!
I looked for any books on the subject of effective stepparenting, but there weren’t many that addressed the issues of a deceased spouse, and how that has it’s own problems. So, to sum up –turn to God for self worth when you feel unfairly compared to the deceased wife/mother, and know that you are loved just as you are, and remember to refrain from harshly judging the stepchild’s actions and attitudes –they are a product of what they have learned before they ever met you. Best of luck to you!
Hi Jane – I’m a widow of three years now. My two daughters now ages 17 and 22 were Daddy’s girls and I’m the mean parent. Since I’m now single, I’m dating a widower whom the girls knew in our church. Their father is a saint in their eyes and I’m the disciplining parent since I’m trying to teach them how to be independent and provide for themselves. They believe I’m cheating on my husband and feel I’m wrong.
My boyfriend and I are talking about future plans and may remarry. He has two boys ages 18 and 24. He has parented them as being independent. They have accepted me and are polite when I speak to them.
I, too, have not come across anything about widowed parents. I have many issues that I’m placing in the hands of God many times since there really is not advice when you lose a spouse. I’m living life as I need to and I don’t want to be alone when my girls leave.
Life is for the living. You must continue on and parent the best you can. You also must know that the “other” children will be more friends to you than your children. Hopefully, they’ll all accept the new relationship and eventually marriage. The feelings are the kids own feelings that they alone must come to terms with.
(USA) I came to this page in search of support for remarriage, as I cannot seem to find a support line to ensure the same mistakes are not repeated. However, I am seeking to remarry my previous husband. The same man I divorced. I can’t imagine that counts as adultery. Still, I have not found the kind of help I feel we need.
(USA) What kind of help are you looking for? If it’s to work on past hurtful issues so you don’t repeat the same mistakes, aren’t there articles on this web site that can help you start that process?
What we tell people who are having any type of marriage problems, is to make it their mission to work on that area of their marriage. Be intentional in doing what it takes to work on the underlying cause of the problem.
Just as a doctor finds a patient’s medical problem and works to bring them to good health by whatever means necessary (which sometimes involves time, expense, pain, and methods that had not been used on that problem before), pray, examine and determine what areas of your relationship are unhealthy and do what it takes to make the necessary changes to make the necessary changes so your marriage becomes a healthy one. That’s what my husband and I did and that’s what we encourage others like yourself, to do as well.
Also, we DO have an article posted on our web site in the “Separation and Divorce” section in the “Testimonies” part of it, that features Clint and Penny Bragg who were divorced 11 years and got back together, are remarried, and now have a GREAT marriage and a ministry reaching out to those with marriage problems. The name of the article is “Second Chances: Clint and Penny Bragg.” They have a great new book out called “Marriage on the Mend: Tangible Tools to Restore Your Relationship” (which has a part of our testimony in it)… but the main reason I recommend it is because it gives you relationship tools to help you mend that which is broken. You can obtain the book, and/or contact them at http://inverseministries.org. I recommend it. They know what it’s like to remarry each other and tackle the problems involved and know of other couples and ministries that might be able to help you as well.
(USA) Thank you Cindy :)
(CANADA) Hmm, read the comments about looking to God’s word and have to say I agree with Janet and the other like minded commenters… about 90%. What has always bothered me is the quickness to make blanket judgemental assumptions, as shown in statements like “People should try working at their marriages by taking biblical counsel and not choose the seemingly easy way out.”. There are many situations in which the people involved tried very hard to work things out and just could not. There are others where one person wanted to try but the other preferred to avoid dealing with their problems and preferred instead to behave as if their spouse was nuts and was the problem.
Working out problems requires a total and absolute commitment to truth and willingness to submit to what is right and to one’s leaders. If you are married to someone who prefers to walk in denial and avoidance and has the habit of distorting reality, outright lying, intentionally sabotaging conversations intended to address problems, displaying more loyalty towards an unhealthy family system than to their marriage, etc. you are not going to be able to solve problems. Many people find themselves in situations like this and despite heroic and repeated effort to get their spouses’ cooperating in addressing problems they could not. We are not able to override the will of another and God does not force His will on us either.
So to make convenient judgements that place blanket blame is out of line. God hates divorce because it brings destruction, pain, and suffering on the human family that God’s rules are intended to protect. Not merely because the rules were broken. I find it odd that we would instantly come down on say, a woman leaving an emotinoally abusive and controlling husband to obtain a divorce and with it, a second chance at being a free human being not living in misery and fear, but while the abuse was going on we minimize it when she tries to talk about it and blame her for not being “submissive” enough, or praying enough or what have you, and yet the husband isn’t confronted or dealt with by the church! Isn’t that a double standard that totally igores God’s justice and character? Is God into perpetuating evil? What do you think happens when children witness the church lookiing away when daddy mistreats mommy and she is always crying? They get the idea that abuse is normal and God doesn’t have much of a problem with it which is a lie.
Half the problem could be solved before it ever became big enough for divorce if the church got involved and treated spiritual disobedience in marriage without a double standard and with some true knowledge of God’s heart and character and biblical counsel and confrontation! A husband who continues to sin and isn’t open to change should not be granted the status of believer nor the covering of the church nor should a wife!
So I agree with the need to rely on God’s word… but relying on God’s word without an intimate personal relationshp with Him that results in tasting His presence, His love, His grace and mercy… produces religiosity… which produces phariseeism… which produces legalism… which destroys, not redeems. Counsel is only truly biblical when one knows God’s heart and character.
(USA) I can see both sides. The terms abuse and controlling are throw around so that they don’t mean anything anymore. For example, my ex-wife call me “controlling” because I had the temerity to want to know the truth about her affair. She said I was mentally cruel, controlling and simply didn’t want her to be happy, so she filed for divorce. All the while, she was having an affair, refusing to enter in any sort of marriage counseling, she was lying etc.
So I now question those terms as it seems very common for those who simply want out to push all the blame on their spouse, label them and leave.
On the other hand, only 1/2 of the folks who end up divorced actually choose divorce.
For me, that number is probably closer to 1/4 to 1/3 given that 2/3rds to 3/4s of divorces are filed by women. But in any divorce action, there is likely only one who choses divorce.
What of the one who DID NOT CHOOSE the divorce? Does scripture say they are bound? No it doesn’t. Anyone who chooses to divorce when there is no adultery is going against the Word of God.
I know that will upset those who think they can divorce for abuse or whatever, but scripture is pretty black and white and says that the only valid biblical reason for a divorce is infidelity. I’m not saying anyone should remain in a dangerous place. I’m simply saying that there is ample evidence in scripture that God prefers that believers NOT CHOOSE to divorce. (I Corinthians 7)
However, if one’s spouse chooses to divorce you, I think one can conclude they are acting as an unbeliever if you’ve not been unfaithful. If that is the case, that same passage indicates that the believer is not bound if the unbelieving spouse chooses to divorce.
Anyone who chooses to divorce a spouse who is faithful is, in my opinion, willfully choosing to act as an unbeliever, and their spouse is free from the marital covenant.
So I’d be careful about giving the advice to choose divorce. I think God is pretty clear that He does NOT want you to choose divorce. However, based on this passage, I do not believe God holds one to a covenant broken by the spouse who is an unbeliever, or one who would be found acting as an unbeliever by the process in Matthew 18.
(CANADA) Hi Tony, Wow, I’ve heard stories like yours and somewhat experienced it too, namely that those who are running around are often hyper vigilant over their faithful spouse and accuse them of the very sin they themselves are involved in. My husband’s ex wife accused him of checking up on her when he accidentally discovered she was not where she said she was one ngiht and asked her about it. My ex husband was very accusing towards me and yet I suspect it was because he was involved with a woman we both knew before we even separated and in fact is now married to her. She is an unbeliever who believes in reincarnation, by the way.
My comments are not intended to advise anyone to get a divorce, however, rather only are intended to advise fellow Christians not to be so darn quick to make judgements without knowing the situation. We judge and condemn too much and from the uninvolved sidelines and pray too little I think.
You are right when you say that people use accusations of control and other blame shifting tactics to justify themselves in their wrongdoing. I don’t think you’re asking your wife about her affair was controlling but something you had a right to know – you invested your entire life and all its substance in your life with her via marriage committment – you bet you had a right to ask.
I have to respectfully disagree about the abuse issue in marriage to some degree though. By abuse I mean behaviour, emotional or physical, that is intended to degrade, humiliate or inflict pain on one’s spouse that is consistently demonstrated as the typical way the person behaves. I am not talking about rare and non typical occurrences – everyone to some degree at some time can do something that is abusive without being an abuser per se. Control for instance has the characteristics of domination, intimidation, manipulation and is destructive because it erodes the freedom and the worth of the other person. We were created for freedom. How can we say that someone who abuses their spouse is faithful to their marriage vows and partner? What is marriage intended for? Love, companionship, procreation, nurture of family, reflection of God’s character and glory, obedience to the command to be fruitful and mulitply and subdue the earth. Does destorying one’s spouse sound like it fits in with God’s obvious intent for marriage?
Again, I am not suggesting that the instant response should be ” Oh, I am being abused, I have a right to get a divorce so I’ll do it”. We are often too concerned with what we want and not concerned enough with truly desiringto please God, so we don’t ask, we just decide. I am as guilty in this area as anyone. Rather I would say that there is a process in God’s word of community involvement, biblical confrontation, counsel and church disciplne that, when properly applied, causes the truth to be exposed and gives charlatans no place to hide under a cover of false righteousness any longer. Instead, the end result is that one is either shown to be a departing unbeliever or a repentant child of God willing to obey one’s leadership and God’s word. I am a big believer in church discipline when it is applied with love and mercy consistent wtih the heart of God.
This is where the church is often sadly absent or if involved at all, often practices a double standard and this ought not to be! We should not be able to attend church year after year and yet still live as isolated individuals whose lives are strictly MYOB, especially where our pastors and elders are concerned. The new testament church was an intimate community with the shared aim of godliness, not the Christian social clubs we often have today, with their entertainment gospel. The blame is one both sides, to us for treating God’s word and church like a smorgasbord… I like this so I’ll take it but I don’t want nuthin’ to do with that… and our pastors and elders for being so afraid of the people that they don’t obey God rather than man.
I went through a bit of church based counselling with my ex husband. I was being intimidated and controlled by my ex husband and his ultra controlling family, who weren’t Christians and my ex was very much dependent on their approval and easily brainwashed by them. After several years of being bullied and attacked I was angry at the manipulation and control. I simply did not have the freedom to live my life without constant interfernce and harrasmment and if you said no to these people they would create so much uproar that everyone found it easier to just submit. When my husband’s father assaulted me while we were alone one day by grabbing me suddenly and kissing me far too intimately, my ex refused to believe me and would not address the situation at all, leaving me to be called a liar and endure a total lack of safety and protection in my marriage.
My ex professed to be a Christian, athough he had gotten saved to get off drugs, not because he realized his lost and depraved state, which is an important distinction. It showed up later as a lack of concern for obedience and greater concern for image. During counselling, I was held seriously accountable for every sin and reaction I had whilst nothing at all was said to my husband about what the Bible says his role as husband and spiritual head should entail, nor what the Bible said about leaving and cleaving, to name just a a few things. There was a serious double standard and a total lack of discernment in operation and at no time were the pastor and elders ever involved with us or the family in question. What more likely should have happened is that after some merciful addressing of the hurts side of things, we should have both been counselled as to how to deal with the situation scripturally with the full support and involvemetn of our pastor and elders. And, we should have been aware that claiming to be a believer but refusing to obey the Word and repent where necessary can qualify one for the status of unbeliever. I suspect under that scriptural teaching we both would have been qualified as unbleievers because neither of us was that interested in seeking God’s will, only in getting things to be the way we wanted them to be!
But, none the less, a lot of wated time, resources and heartache can be saved and a lot of baloney can be cut through with the skilled application of God’s word, love and mercy via church discipline, which is totally absent in most churches. This lack of discernment is also why almost any one can claim to be saved as long as they said a sinner’s prayer and yet there is no fruit whatsoever for years afterward. We are too easily contented with surface things and treat God like He is as shallow and surfacey as we can be. So again, I do not advocate being eager to divorce in every situation, even when there is a specific scripture that describes the situation in question and gives permission. I do think some situations are so sick that divorce is necessary to preserve life and sanity, as well as children, but am quite aware that sinful people can distort anything to make is sound right. Hence the need for being in submission to discerning leadership. The thing we need the most right now is revival, a deep return to God and surrender of ourselves. Being in God’s presence can really clear up confusion in a hurry and correct error. Thanks for considering my thoughts :) sorry there are so many lol
(USA) Hello Patricia, I could have written this but you did and I am grateful. I need to copy it word for word and send it to my pastor and all clergy who, as you put it have an entertainment ministry, but when it comes to holding wrongdoers accountable they have the attitude that I can’t make them and I won’t try to attitude. Why are so many Christian marriages ending or in serious trouble? It is because the very minister who gave premarital counseling now says “I am sorry I can’t help you with that”. And they don’t. But you spoke well and it is the truth.
Men for the most part won’t communicate and women just keep talking and they’re are not listening. Hurting people, hurt people and that is where my husband is. He is hurting but he won’t share and he won’t go for counseling because he doen’t feel he needs it. However, if he loves me the way he says he did he would ‘by any means necessary’ try to save his marriage. The fact that he won’t simply says he does not, period. Peace and blessing.
(USA) Amen (to Patricia in Canada)!
(To Patricia in Canada) you hit the nail on the head. My husband abandoned our marriage and just came to the mechanics shop where I was getting my car serviced to tell me he was leaving. I scheduled counseling at church and I’m the one in counseling and no one wants to contact him. If he is a member why not call and get in contact with him? What does a person do who needs the elders to intervene? I scheduled counseling at 3 churches and not one of them offered to get in contact with him? You can see the person pays tithes, but no contact.
(ENGLAND) Hello, This divorce and remarriage topic is very emotional and important, but we have to bear in mind that whatever Jesus said about it, was said knowing that divorce will always be a part of every society. I don’t believe for a moment that Jesus was saying that there was no divorce allowed, and that Moses made it up to appease the Israelites. Whatever Moses is said to have taught is seen in the NT to have come from God. God allowed the lesser of two evils in divorce though he hates what it does to families and individuals, not to mention society.
Clearly, Jesus has a high view of marriage and so should we as believers. However, there is a very destructive line of thought circulating the intenet that all divorced and remarried people are living in perpetual adultery and must therefore destroy their marriages because they are not actually marriages at all. This is the most grievous false teaching I’ve come across so far, as it no doubt will destroy the peace of many Christians and thrust them into unremitting confusion and guilt, not to mention struggle.
Are we really to believe that Jesus meant to say that the law he came to uphold was now being defied in what he was teaching? Was he implying that all those who had been divorced and remarried under the law of Moses (from God) were now no longer really married and must separate there and then? No!! If Jesus was saying that, he was saying that the law was evil and wrong.
The fact is, God tolerates divorce because of the hardness of hearts, which didn’t go away just because of Jesus’ teaching. Hardness of heart permeates our society even today, and definitely did in Paul’s day in the Greco Roman world.
What did Jesus mean when he said that divorcing and remarrying was adultery? He was speaking hyperbolically, pointing to an ideal that the Pharisees had diminished by using the permission to divorce as a smokescreen for wrong motives for ending a marriage so they could have someone else and it be ‘all good’ in a legal sense. They were missing the point of love, of what marriage is meant to be. When Jesus says it is adultery, he is not talking about the lovemaking of the next marriage for the next 50 years, he is focussing on the immediate context of a person divorcing (one time action), marrying another(one time action) committing adultery(one time action). It is treachery…that is the adultery.
I’m sorry, but I nearly bought this sick teaching that those who come to faith in a remarried state must abandon their marriages and stay single, for fear of going to hell if they don’t. What if you had been (re)married for many years, and you have no idea where your former spouse was/they were untraceable? Are you supposed to destroy a current marriage on the basis of an unknown? NO! Common sense should preside here; marriage is an ethical bond, not an inseparable one.
What if you had been married many times, and the first person you married had also been divorced but you didn’t know whether their divorce was sinful, or didn’t know where they were? Do you honestly think Christ expects people to try to atone for their own past mistakes? They cannot repair what was broken, they can only do their best in the grace of the Lord to cherish what they now have and not repeat any mistakes.
Paul is clear that one who is deserted is not under ethical obligation to that marriage; this is the justice of God in action. We are not to be aggressors in divorce, without cause. However, God does not punish one person for the sins and treachery of another. 1 Corinthians 7:15 shows that unbelievers are not able to respond to Christ in obedience and are not to hold the believer ransom. This is why marriage has to be understood as an ethical obligation, not an inseparable bond which can never be broken. It CAN be broken, which is why Jesus said not to do it.
May God have mercy on those who teach unwitting believers to destroy their marriages because of past mistakes, because those who teach this heresy are accountable for extreme legalism which will end many a good marriage. Paul’s counsel to the married (including those remarried prior to conversion, seeing as he makes no qualification) is not to separate..goodness, no…it is to stay married.
Those who teach that all remarried people are adulterers continually though they are saved now, are crushing their brethren and must be confronted. Those who teach that one who was divorced, especially against their will, prior to salvation cannot be married again, are legalists and go beyond the word.Please think your interpretation of the word through to its logical end in every scenario you can think of, and you will hopefully see where your theology is contrary to the character of God, to justice, mercy and common sense.
(UNITED STATES) I agree with you. I also believe that we as individuals marry, and we do not seek the God about our spouses and we make the decision. As a result we are not in God’s will. Then we end up in an abusive or failing marriage. When we have to divorce we have sinned.
People want to act like Divorce is a sin. It’s a sin if you remarry you are living in adultery! God doesn’t honor that. Divorce is a sin just like a person that lies, steals, kills and all the other things we were told not to do. There are individuals that were not believers and that got out of a bad marriage or may have DIVORCED and now they are new creatures in Christ and old things are past away and behold all things have become new. Gal 5:1 They are not staying fast in the liberty where in Christ has made them free and they will no longer be caught up again in the yolk of bondage. 1 Peter talks about after we have suffered a little while God will restore us. It’s not God’s will for us to be in marriages that don’t line up with his word.
Who are we to say that God doesn’t restore and give a person (husband/wife) that loves them the way Christ loves the church and they end up having a beautiful marriage that God honors! We need to stop this. Sin is sin and when you have repented and sought the Lord to remarry and you remarry, who am I say that’s are wrong? I’m not GOD!
(USA) Thank you. God bless you.
(CANADA) Well said, Margaret and Patricia. People in conservative Christian circles have bought into an interpretation in the past 30 years that has been a distortion of God’s truth, bringing God’s people into confusion and condemnation.
If you seriously look into the background of the passages on divorce and remarriage, you will see the context of how the first century Jews understood it. Jesus repeatedly corrected the early Rabbis’ misuse of Moses’ law. When talking to self-centered men who were looking for legal loopholes to divorce “for any reason,” He emphasised the importance of marital permanence.
But it would be amiss to assume that Jesus would respond to a victim of domestic abuse in the same way. In parallel situations dealing with other laws, Jesus respected the intent of the law as well as its words.
Jesus recognized other exceptions based on the intent of the law and said, “The Sabbath was made for man, and not man for the Sabbath” (Mark 2:23-27). By the same principle, we can safely say that marriage was made for people. People were not made for marriage.
God allowed men to divorce their wives because of “the hardness of their hearts.” He intended for men and women to cleave and be one flesh, but He allowed divorce to protect the wives of hard-hearted men. If a man didn’t want his woman any longer, he couldn’t just discard her, he had to give a certificate of divorce so she would be free to remarry. There was no understanding at that time of remarriage not being allowed after a divorce – it was the acceptable practice. The OT laws of divorce were a merciful provision. God hates divorce but He prefers it to the abuse of His daughters. Divorce is terrible but can be a wise and loving course of action.
I don’t understand how today’s Christians, the carriers of God’s mercy and justice, can miss the forest from the trees and act just like the Pharisees of old in their insistence to adherence to the law without seeing the intent of the law.
(HOLLAND) My ex-husband teaches that divorce isn’t the unpardonnable sin. I’m more of staying alone or reconciling and I talked with him about this on the phone.
I was in a rebound relationship with an unbeliever and almost remarried but then thank God my ex wanted alimony and the guy didn’t want to pay and went back to his mother. Finally the Lord could speak to me and convince me it was just adultery cause I wasn’t even divorced. I jumped into the relationship with a drug addict one day after I got dumped. Almost didn’t believe that God existed and lived together with him while I stayed a virgin “for the man that God had for me” until I was 24. Married 12.5 years, 3 small children, and I was a pastor’s wife.
(USA) My dad had a very abusive wife towards him and his children. If he would have stayed, his children would have died at the hands of their mother. I do know for a fact that God did not want us in this situation. At the age of five, I prayed to God to get my mother out of my life from a five year old’s way of thinking. She left when I was six years old for another man. My dad had put us in the care of our grandparents while he was trying to work things out with my mother. I actually thank God for the other man because I don’t know if my dad would have ever left her!
My dad started dating another woman 3 months after she left and remarried within a year. Very devastating for his children. No time to heal from the deep, deep scars that abuse leaves behind. Then another problem comes in to focus, a stepmother who doesn’t love you either and so you begin to question God even more.
I prayed from earlier age for God to let me to know who I was to marry. God almighty answered at the age of sixteen. I worked with him. When I was 24 we were brought together by Christ, I knew then I would marry him because of what God had told me at the age of sixteen. We have a great marriage and have been married for 21 years with two beautiful children. Christ taught us to love each other!!! Our children have been very blessed. They are clueless about divorce and parents who do the things of the world.
If you really love your children, you will do God’s will. Lynn
(SOUTH AFRICA) My husband was emotionally and financially abusing me and my son (not his child). I went through our pregnancy alone and had a daughter in the marriage. He never supported me while I was pregnant, came home late after 2am. He had a girlfriend whom he talked to in the house in front of me, arranging their meetings and pick up times while I was there listening to him. He sent about messages that I must leave his house twice when I was pregnant and twice when the child was born.
I suspect that he was under a satanic attack and mission because of the way things just turned around. I thought when the child was born he would be better so I stayed and said I cannot leave, because if I leave I will be divorcing. He never saw the child since the first day she was born until we left his house. He brought his girlfriend one night in the house into our bedroom. A week before he brought her to the house he chased me out of our bedroom together with the small child.
Things got so bad that I realised my son was the one suffering when I was busy trying to preserve my vows. I prayed to God (and have been praying) and one day I had a conviction from the Lord that it is time to leave. I left and a month later I filed for divorce. He did not contest it. He signed and he went on with his life and brought in a girlfriend a week after I left his house and he has never seen the child since.
I am still grieving over this and am busy pushing potential husbands away from me, because I think something is wrong with me. What would you do? I am divorced with 2 kids from different fathers and both have no contact with them. I am a child of God, I am saved and on fire for God and I will never let Him go. I believe in His word that it is the truth in Jesus’ Name. I would not want to pain the heart of God as much as I did by marrying my ex-husband in the first place. All the signs were there but I tried to hide them now they are exposed to the world.
(GHANA) I am a Christian and started a young man 7 months ago. He told me that he had a four month old baby but is separated from the mother of the baby. I have never been married and have no child. I’m scared of being a stepmom and also have no idea how to handle the relationship between my boyfriend and the mother of his child.
Since we are not married I don’t want to involve myself with the mother of the baby directly. We want to marry early next year. Can somebody advise me on what to expect?
(UNITED STATES) I need help with what’s going on with me. My husband is very abusive. He is now in prison for trying to kill me. Am I not supposed to divorce or maybe some day remarry? I think God would like for me to be happy. I don’t feel he wants me to live my life without a companion.
(USA) I am a Christian woman, who was divorced for three years. I am now remarrying my husband! I feel so blessed that my prayers have been answered. I was in a serious relationship with another man that I almost married. He backed out (also, while dating him, I found out my actual divorce did not go through due to lawyers mistake- this was a whole year later). I was very careful NOT to even think about dating until my divorce was final, so I thought! But I RESIGNED the papers- my ex asked me not to sign at this time. I felt though, that he had not changed) whew, hope y’all can keep up!
My ex was having a hard time finding God in his life as well, while we were married, and this was a big problem the first go round. Anyway, that has been resolved. We go to church together every week, and our relationship is 150% better than it ever was. Our communication and consideration for the other has been the difference, and we truly are soul mates!
Here is the problem :( our five year old does not want us to get married!!! I do NOT know how to handle this… he has said, I want to be your only baby… as I have tried to teach him, you will grow up, find a nice Christian girl, and then have babies! And we also have to move. We were living in the country with all my family close by… and he is starting school. He has also expressed that there is no “dirt” at his daddy’s house… we have a long dirt drive at our other residence, which we still stay at on the weekends to see my family and still go to our home church.
I have tried to explain- mom may not have a baby, as God would have to want us to at first, and you will have to go to school anywhere we live, we still come to country house on weekends, and finally, your father and I made a mistake by choosing to live apart, and we need to make a new promise to God that we are going to be a family, as this is what he intended. I have told him his life as it is right now will not change, I love him, am not going anywhere, etc.
I am at a loss, and need advice if there is something I’m missing? And maybe reassurance? His father loves him, is a fun dad, we all have a blast together. Any advice or pointers for this unusual circumstance -the son part as well as remarrying my husband! Sorry so long… but this is a Christian site, and I just know I can’t be the only one who is remarrying a husband, and would like to hear some positive statistics/criticism/advice! Thanks to all…