“A husband considers romance to be one way and the wife considers it to be another. The wife provides many romantic gestures which go unnoticed by her husband, because it wasn’t romantic to him. The husband can spend precious time doing what he thinks will bless and romance his wife only to discover she didn’t appreciate it at all. She didn’t feel love in the same way he meant it.
“What is wrong? Are the gestures extended not romantic or thoughtful? No. Are the recipients ungrateful and self-absorbed? No. The spouse is simply not romancing their spouse in a way that is romantic to them!
“This is a great truth that once practiced is sure to produce lasting fruit. Study your spouse. Find out what romance means to them? It may surprise you! But if you do your homework you will become the master of what really turns your spouse on!” (Debi Walter, from Theromanticvineyard.com)
Have you ever thought about this before? Do you want to just “love” your wife, or do you want to love her in a way that is most meaningful to her? Isn’t the point of love, to share it in the most meaningful way?
Here’s a suggestion for you:
A List of Suggestions to Show Your Wife Love
Discuss the following list with your wife. Ask her to check the ones meaningful to her. Then have her tell you the order she considers most important. Use this list to learn what speaks “love” to her. It’s likely very different from what speaks “love” to you. Your relationship can be strengthened by using this as a guideline. But keep in mind that these are only SUGGESTIONS! Not all, or any of them have to be used, if they won’t work for your marriage.
(There’s also a list under the “Romantic Ideas” topic, which gives wives 100 ideas, as well. It is titled 100 Ways Your Can Love Your Husband His Way.)
Here Are Some Suggestions:
1. Start and/or end each day by holding hands and praying together with your wife.
2. Pray for her every day and make it a point to pray with her when she is troubled.
3. Communicate with her instead of talking AT her or shutting her out emotionally.
4. Talk to her respectfully without demeaning her or hurting her feelings.
5. Compliment her for the giftedness you see in her. Be specific.
6. Show interest in her friends, and if they are trustworthy, give her time to be with them.
7. Do something active together to lift her spirit —such as taking a walk hand-in-hand.
8. Express to her that you need and value her.
9. Show enthusiasm for the things that she’s excited about—let your actions show it.
10. Find something that makes you laugh together.
11. Put your arms around her when she needs comfort, holding her silently.
12. Surprise her by doing something you think she would want done before she asks.
13. Try not to make sudden changes without discussing them with her first.
14. Show interest in that which she values as important in her life.
15. Allow your wife to teach you things without being defensive.
16. When you feel you must correct her, be gentle —speak the truth in LOVE.
17. Let go of the small stuff. We all have annoying habits and preferences that are different from our spouse’s. (Dave Ramsey)
18. Show her that she matters more to you than any one you could be with, that threatens her security in your marriage.
19. Be a good listener. Show her you value what she says.
20. Plan a mini-honeymoon, where the two of you can spend quality time together.
Additional Suggestions:
21. Go shopping with her and don’t sigh or look at what time it is even once.
22. Take her out to breakfast or make her breakfast (cleaning up afterward).
23. Make the time to set specific goals with her to achieve together for each year.
24. Give her grace when she offends you and forgive (even as you want to be forgiven).
25. Find ways to help her know you are her partner in all areas life.
26. Be polite, courteous, and mannerly with her—not taking her for granted.
27. Exhibit humility, admit your mistakes, and ask for forgiveness. She’ll appreciate that!
28. Defend her to others—especially to your family.
29. Don’t belittle her intelligence.
30. Scratch her back, rub her feet, or her rub her neck—whatever she’d prefer.
31. Get up in the middle of the night (let her stay in bed) to take care of your upset child.
32. Be especially helpful when she is not feeling well.
33. When she asks how your day went, don’t just say “fine” —actually give her details.
34. Thank God for her by name when the two of you are praying together.
35. Try not to argue over money. Peacefully discuss future expenditures instead.
36. Don’t embarrass her by arguing with her in front of others.
37. Lead your family in their spiritual relationship with God. This is important to her.
38. Make eye contact when she is talking to you and when you are talking with her.
39. Show her that you prefer her to others—give her your attention whenever possible.
40. Relate what happened at work or whatever you did apart from her.
More Suggestions that Speak Love:
41. Keep away from anything that gives you sexual gratification, other than your wife.
42. Be helpful, both before and during the time you have visitors in your home. (If you’re not sure of what to do, ask your wife “What can I do that would help the most?”)
43. Brag about her to others, both in front of her and when she is not with you.
44. Surprise her from time-to-time with a card and flowers or a little gift.
45. Remember to tell her or call her as soon as you know you are going to be late.
46. Give her your undivided attention when she wants to talk.
47. Guard your tongue from saying “unwholesome words” or down-grading her.
48. Refuse to compare her unfavorably with others.
49. Give your spouse time to unwind after she gets home. Your evenings will be much more enjoyable. (Dave Ramsey)
50. Be an involved partner in helping with the children and spending time together.
51. Maintain good grooming habits so you look and smell good. It shows you care.
52. Be supportive. Help her to finish her education and goals that are important to her.
53. Treat her as if God put a sign over her that said, “Make me feel special.”
54. Run errands without complaining.
55. Give her the love gift of being thoughtful and considerate to her relatives.
56. Don’t negatively compare her relatives with yours.
57. Sit close to her —even when you are just watching television.
58. Be verbally supportive and honor her in front of the children.
59. Do not making plans without her agreeing with them (unless it’s a surprise).
60. Pro-actively do things that makes her feel cherished as a woman and as a wife.
Plus:
61. Keep her trust at all costs. Leave no gray area when it comes to other female relationships, money and your word. (Dave Ramsey)
62. Ask for a list of 3 things she’d like done in the home. Do them ASAP.
63. Ask her and then listen to what makes her feel insecure (without judging).
64. Pray and act upon what you can do to alleviate those fears.
65. Find out what her sexual needs are (and then try to fulfill them).
66. Surprise her with a 15 second kiss (with no expectations to go further).
67. Keep yourself in good shape so she’s especially proud to be with you.
68. Write a mission statement together for your marriage, and family.
69. Physically touch her every day—even if it’s only for a minute or two.
70. Be polite and kind. (Often we’re kinder to strangers than we are to our spouse.)
71. Be sensitive enough to ask her if you offend or hurt her sexually in any way.
72. Go out of your way to help her feel valued over everyone else.
73. Consider her as your marital partner in how you spend money.
74. You dated your wife before marriage, and fell in love. Date her now to STAY in love.
75. Be careful to choose your words, especially when angry.
76. Show affection for her in front of friends.
77. Make sure your children speak to her and treat her in respectful ways.
78. Make a point of honoring anniversaries, birthdays, and other special occasions.
79. Make sure she has money to spend any way she would choose.
80. Hold her close and verbally express your love when she is hurt or discouraged.
Lastly, Here are a Few More “Love” Suggestions:
81. Surprise her by giving her a special gift from time to time.
82. Share the responsibilities around the house (without looking for special recognition).
83. Don’t tease and belittle her, saying “I was just joking” when she doesn’t find it funny.
84. Allow her to express herself freely, without fear of being called dumb.
85. Hold her hand in public like you used to when you dated her.
86. Don’t criticize her in front of others—keeping her dignity in tact.
87. Don’t focus on the physical features of another woman (It dishonors your wife).
88. Be sensitive to her needs—looking for ways to bless her.
89. Let her know you want to spend special time with her and the children.
90. Fix dinner for her at different times.
91. Be sympathetic when she’s sick—and help her however you can.
92. Let her sleep in sometimes and you get the children ready for the day.
93. Honor her by not disagreeing with her in front of the children.
94. Don’t ignore the small things that bother her and let them build into bigger issues.
95. Surprise her by doing some things around the house that she’s wanted done.
96. Tell her (and show her) you love her often.
97. Call, email or text her when you’re apart so she knows you are thinking of her.
98. Surprise her by suggesting a marriage seminar or weekend retreat you can attend together.
99. Express your love and appreciation for her in a love note which you give to her.
100. Show her affection without sexual intentions.
Author unknown for the 100 Ways List.
— ALSO —
From the ministry of Marriagetrac.com the following is a link you can follow and learn. (And then another link for your use.):
• 50 WAYS TO INSPIRE YOUR WIFE
• 56 WAYS TO SHOW YOUR WIFE THAT YOU LOVE HER
PLUS:
• 102 WORDS OF AFFIRMATION EVERY WIFE WANTS TO HEAR
• 25 WAYS TO SHOW YOUR WIFE YOU LOVE HER
Filed under: Romantic Ideas
I read your 100 list and found that after 50 it just repeats itself just in different ways. However, it is helpful. 90% of these items I already do, however, the other side isn’t responding the same. As a Catholic raised man, I try to bring God into the home with respect and kindness but she is not really interested. Our life is really stagnant and going nowhere other than just living together; I don’t know what to do other than continue living in pain for her, me, and as a couple. She is very dependent upon me and very fragile to life. I really don’t know what to do anymore other than just sit back and take it or give up.
Let me say ..marriage as an institutions is like a work. For example, if you fight with your colic at work and you are not talking to each other, obviously you resign because you fight with your colic, Noooo! What you can do is to hang up the problem for a certain period while you are going to the work until one day you said to him /her “can you please pass me the cup next to you? He will give you the cup without saying nothing..don’t worry. On the second day say lets have a laugh together after you greated him. From there he will be calmed. Then you will be back to normal as it was before. To quit is not a solution..same as divorce – it is not an answer, but be patient while you are planning.
A thought: give her the list, have her read it and circle her top 3. See if those are in your 90%. If not, it may be that those deepest needs special and unique to her are not being met, even though the other 90% is great!! We all have at least one tender area in our lives – needs unique to us individually–, if left empty it hurts, if filled, it makes us feel great joy.
Am married 3 years now. My wife really loves me that I do know. What can I do to love her more?
Pray and love God is the answer.
Hello. I’m in a bad spot. I have been doing things to hurt my wife, not meaning to. I have a staring problem as she says. I don’t do it on purpose. When we watch tv she gets hurt if I don’t turn my head when another female is on. She also says I don’t show her love and make her feel wanted or cared for. I need help before I lose my wife. I love her more than life itself. I try and try to show her that I love her and want her and make her feel cared for. The more I try, it doesn’t work. I don’t know what to do anymore. When she tells me that I’ve hurt her she tells me to fix it. I don’t know how to fix what I did. Plese help me before I lose the love of my life.
Hi, Chris. I’m assuming your “staring problem” is when things like Victoria’s Secret ads come on TV and not just when “any” woman comes on screen fully clothed. Your wife may have a heightened sensitivity to what you look at on TV if you ever had a porn problem. I know for me I have had to discipline my eyes to look away any time something suggestive comes on screen or if while I’m driving I catch a glimpse of a woman walking on the sidewalk. I do this to honor Cindy BECAUSE I DID have a porn addiction years ago. In every room we have a TV I have placed placards with this verse written on them: “I will set before my eyes no vile thing.” (Psalm 101:3) They’re either next to the TV or on top of it. If you do have problems with porn I suggest you get the book, Every Man’s Battle: Winning the War on Sexual Temptation One Victory at a Time (The Every Man Series)
by Steve Arterburn & Fred Stoeker. This is the book that changed my life and helped me heal from my sexual addiction.
You also have to remove the mystery of what she means by she doesn’t feel loved or cared for by you. You guys have to talk about this – even though it can be very uncomfortable to do so. You will never be able to figure this out on your own and it’s not fair for her to say this but not give you specifics of what she means and what she really wants from you.
You don’t indicate if the two of you have a faith-walk with Jesus, Chris. But I know the city you live in has some great churches that have some wonderful men’s ministry groups where you can find other guys who can help you (mentor you) in your role as a husband. We also have a lot of articles on our web site that can give you help in understanding more of what your wife needs from you. But the key is you have to apply what you learn. It isn’t going to just magically happen that one day she’ll wake up feeling cherished. It takes years of hard work and consistency on your part.
There are so many factors that can play into our wive’s insecurities; most come from childhood or past relationships where they were hurt (physically, sexually or mentally). If that is something your wife experienced in the past it will take EXTRA work on your part to build security and trust in her. She can come to our web site too and find articles that relate to her and she can post her comments (anonymously) and find comfort from others who are experiencing what she’s going through.
Lastly, if you ever feel like you need to talk with a counselor you can reach out to Focus On The Family at 1-800-A-FAMILY. They have a counseling department where you can talk with someone free (for one session) and then they can point you to someone close by who can follow up with you.
I hope this helps you out a bit, Chris.
I can help. You’re most likely leaving her alone; that’s the only way I can say it. It sounds a lot like what me and my wife are going through now and I am having to rebuild what I have broken. It’s not an easy task but it can’t be done if you’re staying out too late with friends or you’re watching TV too late. You’re doing something to leave her alone that she does not feel like she is important to you.
When it is at this point it does not matter what you think. What matters is how she feels. If you apologize for something simply say I’m sorry for making you feel that way. Don’t make no excuses on why you did it because it doesn’t matter. Listen when she speaks; she will tell you what is going on. She might need help with the kids and say hey can you help me? You think because you worked all day you don’t need to. She might need help with housework. A woman’s job is very hard.
There is something called The Love Dare
. This will help you refocus yourself on her. But one of the most important things is listen when she speaks because of what she is doing she won’t keep asking. You’re on the verge of the end. If you want to keep her do what you have to. Search the Bible.
Thank you Cecil. That’s great advice.
I recently had an affair and am actively trying to show my wife that I love her! She is hurt and I have lost all of her love and respect. I read this to see more ways to show her instead of just telling her that I love her. I truly love my wife and need to restore our marriage. We also have a 7 year old son who doesn’t deserve to lose his family due to my selfishness and mistakes!
As I get older, I find it is important to build up points with my wife. I can lose them faster than I get them, sometimes. But seriously, my wife is my best friend, my banker, my confidant. We have been married 36 years. We both recognize that we often take each other for granted. In the Bible, it talks about a valuable wife that sews for family, cares for a field so they will not be hungry, keeps a good moral character and her husband will sit at the council at the gates of the city. She does not accomplish all of them, but many of them. My very independent wife has made that happen for me. I am a police detective. My efforts in my job would not be nearly as productive, if she were not so independent and pro-active. if you live with an independent wife, reflect on what you have and what she allows you to accomplish. This is not always easy, but in your older years, it will provide much good to reflect on. The list is good. Some of them, I already apply
Wonderful
This is good.
This is good.
Me and my husband have been married for 3 yrs. I don’t know if I’m wrong or right; he provides for me and my 3 kids, he’s good in doing things around the house, and he helps me with the kids. We laugh and have good times together but he never tells me he loves me or expresses his feelings for me. He doesn’t even hold my hand. I have to do all this, if not I wouldn’t get it from him. I constantly argue about this with him. I let him know what is bothering me and he still doesn’t do anything to change that… I know words are just words but I would love to hear an “I love you” once in a while. I don’t know what to pray about it… We’re both congregated in a church. He plays the drums and I sing in the choir. I don’t know what to do anymore. Sometimes I feel like just giving up. Thank you for listening.
Hi dear, nice to read your comments should I say, message should I say, don’t know. According to my point of view, LOVE is a FEELING. FEEL it, see it and let him or her feel it, show it. Don’t get stuck in hearing these 3 words. Of course he or she loves you, you might have felt it. and… I have nothing to say now because I have also the same problem with my wife. I tell her that I love her but when I ask her if she loves me then she says I do not know. But I feel that she cares about me. When I am sick or hungry or sad this is what it shows automatically that she loves me. God may lead both of us, me and my wife, to happiness and joy and spend our whole life together happily. I love my wife :*
This is an old thread, but maybe someone else can learn from it. I have the opposite problem as Ross. My wife is emotionally distant and physically reserved, traits inherited from her family. But lately there is no casual touch or affection at all; as in none. She can go weeks without any physical contact of any kind, even bumping into each other in the kitchen. And if I touch her, she shrinks away. I love my wife, but I didn’t sign up to just be roommates. I have tried the lavish approach, and while she is appreciative, it doesn’t change her behavior.
We’ve been married almost 30 years. If it weren’t for the kids and my personal beliefs and commitment, I would have ditched her long ago. I have very little hope at this point. She seems content to let old(er) age kill any physical desire.
Tennison, I’m so sorry for the direction your marriage relationship has turned. I’m not sure what your wife is thinking in allowing affection to slide as it has but I can say that I have seen things turn into better directions after it was in a bad one for a long time. Some spouses DO have their “Ah ha” moments. Please pray, look for ways in which the Lord can change things, and work on yourself –hoping it will inspire her to work on herself. That shouldn’t be the only motivation, but it can help in many ways.
Most marriages go through times of slumps, and distancing. But hanging in there, praying and doing whatever you can on your end CAN help. I’m reminded of something that Dr Steve Stephens wrote in his book, “Marriage: Experiencing the Best.” Here’s what he said: “Someone once asked Alan Alda, the famous TV star, how he managed to have such a long and successful marriage. His answer was that most relationships begin with a ‘vibrant’ love, but soon fade into ‘utter discontent.’ It’s easy to give up and forget that ‘love returns in waves… you just have to wait it out.’
“Alan Alda was right; love is like the tides of the ocean. Sometimes they come in and the passion is high. You feel the love and the relationship is wonderful. Then there are times when the tide is out —sometimes way out. The relationship is dry and lifeless. The love is gone. You look out at the sea and wonder if the tide will ever return. But if you’re patient and stay at the beach, romance will return. You will feel love again.”
There are no guarantees, but I have seen love re-bloom in marriages that seemed dead many, many times. I hope it does in yours. As I read your comment I thought about a book that may give you some added insight into your wife’s actions (you mentioned that she exhibits “traits inherited from her family”). The book I highly recommend you read is the book written by Milan and Kay Yerkovich titled, How We Love: Discover Your Love Style, Enhance Your Marriage. It’s published by published by Water Brook. The authors of this book “draw on the tool of an attachment theory to show how your early life experiences created an ‘intimacy imprint’ —an underlying blueprint that shapes your behavior, beliefs, and expectations of all relationships, especially your marriage. They identify four types of injured imprints that combine in marriage to trap couples in a repetitive dance of pain. The principles and solution-focused tools in this book will equip you to… –identify the imprints disrupting your marriage –understand how your love style impacts your mate –break free of negative patterns that hinder your relationship –enhance your sexual intimacy, and –create a deeper, richer marriage.” I heard the Yerkovich’s talk about this subject and could see how it could absolutely change the lives of many couples in positive ways as they better understood each other’s communication styles. It’s truly an enlightening book –revealing things I never realized before. I thought it might be something you may want to read through yourself to see if it helps you. I hope this does help –you, and your marriage.
Hey, I really am happy reading and learning things I need to know. I’m a single dad, with a daughter, she’s five now. After a long wait for my baby’s mama, I had to move on with my life. I fell in love with another girl. I loved her as much as she loves me too…but we argue a lot. She’s young and smart, hardworking, and beautiful. Still we argue, quarrel and sometimes I hit her, and I feel so bad when I do.
She got pregnant and gave me a baby girl. I lost my job before this, and things were tough and rough for us. We struggled to eat. My first child was with my parents, while I live with Nene and my new baby girl. Now, the problem I am actually having with her is that, she talks too much, gossips, and she gets herself into trouble and that brings me shame too. I teach and also correct her, but she fails to listen. She keeps telling me she wants to hustle and make money. She stopped her teaching work to find another that can pay her more that she receives. Now, we are both jobless. I love her, and I always teach her how to interact with people. She’s embarrasses me, but yet I love her. I have promised never to hit her in my life.
Wow!! A lot of these suggestions are things I did when me and my wife were dating and honestly I have become distant from some of those things that got us in a good solid relationship. I will remember to use some of them to keep us in a good place. Thank you.
My wife is my HOME. She comes first. Very lucky to have met her… She Is my Soulmate.
Thank you for I have great things to add to my relationship because I love my girlfriend so much.
I can see that those ways are the best to use to deeper relationship and I have been making use of 20% of it.
I am pleased to note that, the lists are suggested balanced ways and have not made it seem that husband is more important than his wife. Although it appears that when it comes to household chores, the man is doing the woman a favour, which should not be so since being part of the family, it is also his duty to make home clean, tidy and organize especially if his wife also works outside of the home.
Keep opening the door for her, cooking and applauding when she sings.