The following are quotes concerning the subject of abuse in Marriage. We pray you will find them helpful.
• All marriages are sacred, but not all are safe. (Rob Jackson)
• Most people think “abuse” is just physical attacks such as hitting, punching, kicking, pulling hair, twisting limbs, pinching, slapping, biting, etc. There are many other type of abusive behavior which hurt just as much or more than physical abuse. Just because an abuser stops hitting his spouse doesn’t mean he has stopped being abusive. (Brenda Branson, from article titled, “All Abuse Hurts”)
• Bottom line:
Outbursts of anger —including screaming, throwing things, banging inanimate objects, slamming doors, squealing tires, stomping around, making threats, shoving, restraining, cornering, or yelling down, all carry the threat of physical harm —even if that threat is not intended. All these things are abusive, and completely unacceptable. Nothing a woman [or man] does (including any of the above) justifies doing any of these. If you are doing any of these, you have a problem —PLEASE deal with it before it escalates. (Paul, from The-generous-husband.com)
• You have heard that it was said to those of ancient times, “You shall not murder,” and “Whoever murders shall be liable to judgment.” But I say to you that if you are angry with a brother or sister, you will be liable of judgment; and if you insult a brother or sister, you will be liable to the council; and if you say, “You fool” you will be liable to the hell of fire. (Matthew 5:21-23)
• Keep in Mind:
Just because you aren’t being physically punched, slapped, or kicked doesn’t mean you aren’t in an abusive marriage.
Here are some questions to ask yourself to help you determine whether or not you are in an abusive relationship: • Does my spouse ever try to physically stop me from leaving the room? • Does my spouse ever push me, grab me or my clothing, or hold me against my will? – Has my spouse ever told me to kill myself? • Does my spouse ever threaten to hurt me for any reason? • Does my spouse ever point a weapon of any kind toward me, our children, or him or herself? – Has my spouse ever used language that suggests he or she will “solve” our marriage problems forever through death? • Am I afraid of my spouse?
These questions are not gender exclusive. If you answered yes to any of them, your marriage is fear based and you are in danger of being a victim of domestic violence. Put a plan together now to get the help you need. (Joe and Michelle Williams, from the book “Yes, Your Marriage Can Be Saved”)
• Regarding Anger:
Anger that’s used to control, manipulate, and hold another emotionally hostage is out of control and abusive. It typically starts with name-calling, emotional jabs at a person’s self-worth, painful teasing, public insults. It progresses from there. Eventually the abuser is yelling, grabbing, pushing, slapping, and becoming increasingly aggressive and violent. Remorse follows. So too does more abuse. Even just one of these tactics is abuse, and it won’t stop without serious intervention. If you or your children are being treated in this fashion, please seek help. (Meg Wilson, “Hope After Betrayal”)
• Simply being an eyewitness to family violence has a great effect upon a youngster.
“A child witnessing his mother being battered is equivalent to the child being battered,” notes therapist John Bradshaw. One youth named Ed hated seeing his father beat his mother. Nevertheless, although he may not have realized it, he was being conditioned to believe that men must control women and that in order to do so, men must scare, hurt, and demean them. When he became an adult, Ed used these abusive, violent tactics on his wife.
Some parents cautiously forbid their children to watch violence on television, and that is a good thing. But parents should be even more cautious when it comes to monitoring their own behavior. They are role models for their impressionable children. (Frankie Goh, from article, “What Causes Domestic Violence” posted on ezinearticles.com)
• Studies show:
One third of children who witness the battering of their mothers demonstrate significant behavioral and/or emotional problems. Children may experience such problems as depression, anger and hostility, isolation, school problems (low achievement), drug and/or alcohol use, and more. They may attempt to get attention through violent behavior. This includes lashing out or treating pets cruelly, or by threatening siblings or mother with violence.
Boys who witness their father’s abuse of their mothers are more likely to inflict severe violence when they become adults. Data suggest that girls who witness maternal abuse are more likely to tolerate abuse as adults. Children from abused homes often have relationship and marital problems as adults. (From the booklet the booklet “A Way of Hope”, which was once available on the web site for Family Life Today)
• Husbands, love your wives, and never treat them harshly. (Colossians 3:19)
• Verbal Abuse:
Though prevalent in our culture, verbal abuse often goes unrecognized because it leaves invisible scars. The abusers often come across as nice, even charming, people when they interact with the general public. But behind closed doors, they use cutting words to exert control over those closest to them. And they do it by sending a two-sided message: “I love you… but I don’t.”
The twisted expression of their “love” creates confusion and a sense of helplessness in their victims. This form of abuse includes humiliating, threatening, insulting, or intimidating one’s partner. It also is characterized by withdrawal of approval or affection. The abuser may try to control what his partner wears or who she spends time with. He may even isolate her from family and friends. This constant belittling can cut to the core of a person’s being. (Holly Hudson, from the article, “Recognizing Abuse; Both Seen and Unseen”)
It is not enemies who taunt me —I could bear that; it is not adversaries who deal insolently with me —I could hide from them. But it is you, my equal, my companion, my familiar friend, with who I kept pleasant company; we walked in the house of God with the throng… My companion laid hands on a friend and violated a covenant with me. With speech smoother than butter, but with a heart set on war; with words that were softer than oil, but in fact were drawn swords. (Psalm 55:12-14; Psalm 55:20-21)
• A person can be so verbally abused that they don’t know what’s true anymore.
This abuse is designed to put a person in a numb state so they are unable to make clear, concise decisions. The path of verbal abuse leads a person from what they know as truth into a confused state. This confused state arises because the abuser consistently interjects lies as truth until the abused no longer knows what to believe. For example, we can see this happen when the abuser uses truths from the Bible to justify a lie, or the abuser twists the Bible’s true intent to satisfy his own selfish motive.
The sad part comes when the abused embraces the lies from the abuser as truth, thereby disregarding the real truth. At this point the abused feels like they are in chains of bondage with no way out. A trusted godly person is like a life preserver to the abused at this point. For “the mouth of the righteous is a well of life“ (Proverbs 10:11). (From the Divorce.com article titled, “Verbal Abuse in Marriage”)
• Verbal Abuse:
What makes verbal abuse particularly threatening is the fact that verbal abuse always precedes physical abuse. The progression to this level of attack may take years —or months. (Holly Hudson, from the article, “Recognizing Abuse; Both Seen and Unseen”)
• All forms of abuse follow a pattern that, left unchecked, will only increase over time. Injuries from verbal and emotional abuse can run deep and leave lasting scars. Many emotionally and verbally abused people reason that, because there are no bruises or broken bones, their abuse must not be serious. But it is. …If pain motivates you to act against emotional and verbal abuse, then listen and act. You may be saving more than your life. (Beth J. Lueders, from article titled, “Emotional and Verbal Abuse”)
• While the optimum situation is for both parties in an abusive situation to seek help, Dr. Tim Clinton, President of the American Association of Christian Counselors, insists one person can change the relationship. “Change a person; change a relationship,” he says. On the other hand, if the abuse is severe and occurring within the marriage relationship, it’s time to take bold steps and assert biblical, healthy boundaries. (Mary J. Yerkes, from the article “Healing the Wounds of Emotional Abuse” posted on family.org)
• “The anatomy of an abusive relationship is really very simple.
There’s a cycle of violence that takes place. “The cycle has three stages: • Tension Building Stage • Acute Battering Stage • Honeymoon Stage. Dr. Phil McGraw says of the honeymoon stage, “This is where, ‘Oh, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I will never do this again. I hate that this happened. I’ll make it up to you. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry,’ but then the cycle starts over again.”
Dr Phil notes that nearly half of abusers re-offend, most within the first six months. “And then you’ve got what’s called traumatic bonding. This is because there’s an imbalance of power, and there’s an intermittent reinforcement schedule. You never know whether you’re going to get hugged or hit. And so psychologically that’s a very strong tendency to stay involved in that relationship.” (Dr Phil McGraw, from: “The Cycle of Violence”)
• Regarding Separation:
Sometimes separation can be a powerful attention-getting boundary if you’re fully ready to use it. The purpose of the separation can be to physically or emotionally protect you and your children or to convince your husband (or wife) that you’ll not continue to live the same way. Separation can also be by mutual agreement for each to work on your own problems separately with the goal of reconciling your marriage. (Karla Downing, from book “10 Principles for Women in Difficult Marriages”)
• Keep in mind:
If you decide to leave your home to protect yourself from physical harm, your husband may view your leaving as betrayal or rejection. He may become even more violent as a result. That is why you need to develop your safety plan with outside counsel and guidance. You may even need the help and protection of the police. Do not make your plans alone!
If you are staying in your home out of fear, or if your husband’s words or behavior becomes more and more threatening, you need to work out an immediate safety plan. With the help of friends and counselors, you will need to plan where to keep keys, clothes, medications, and important documents; what to do with your children’ where you will go if you have to leave suddenly, and much more. You may need to choose a safe, protected environment where you can be kept hidden from your husband. (From the booklet “A Way of Hope”)
• These are the “hallmarks of an abuser —both verbal and physical”:
They include jealousy, a need to control, efforts to isolate their partner or relative, attempts to rush a romantic relationship and disrespect for privacy and personal boundaries. Drug and alcohol abuse are often present in the situation. (Holly Hudson, from article titled, “Recognizing Abuse; Both Seen and Unseen”)
• Minna Schulman, director of a domestic violence and law enforcement agency, stated that violence is a tool that men use to maintain control and to demonstrate power and authority over a woman. She added: “We see domestic violence as a misuse of power and control.” Some wife beaters suffer from low self-esteem, the same trait they induce in their victims. If they can do that, then their ego will have been fed, and they will feel a measure of superiority and control over another human. They feel that they prove their masculinity in this way.
Yet, do they?
Since they perpetrate their violence on physically weaker women, does it prove that they are truly men of strength, or does it prove, instead, that they are unreasonable? Is it really manly for a stronger male to beat up a weaker, more defenseless female? A man of strong moral character would show consideration and compassion for weaker and more defenseless ones, not take advantage of them.
Another demonstration of the unreasonable thinking of the abuser is the fact that he often blames his wife for provoking the beatings. He may imply, or even say to her, such things as: ‘You didn’t do this right. That’s why I’m beating you.’ Or: ‘Dinner was late, so you’re just getting what you deserve.’ In the abuser’s mind, it is her fault. However, no shortcoming of the other mate justifies battering. (Frankie Goh, from article, “What Causes Domestic Violence” posted on ezinearticles.com)
• Don’t blame yourself.
Realize that the abuse is not your fault, no matter what your abuser says. Understand that abuse can happen to anyone, of any faith, age, economic status, race, or neighborhood. Know that you are not alone. Know that you are not stupid or worthless; to the contrary, God loves you deeply and values you highly.
Realize that God does not condone abuse of any kind. Believe that His will for you is to break free of the abuse you’re suffering. Recognize your need for help, and decide to pursue it. (From Crosswalk.com article “Heal from Abuse”)
• The Lord examines both the righteous and the wicked. He hates everyone who loves violence. (Psalms 11:5)
• “…and I hate a man’s covering himself with violence as well as with his garment” says the Lord Almighty. (Malachi 2:16)
• He who brings trouble on his family will inherit only wind. And the fool will be a servant to the wise. The fruit of the righteous is a tree of life, and he who wins souls is wise. (Proverbs 11:29-30)
• Jesus is our Model.
Instead of following Christ’s model of servant leadership in the home, an abusive man views it as his God-given right to have power and control over his wife, and rewrites the scripture to give himself the right to punish her whenever she falls short of his expectations. Jesus would remind us that He, as head of the church, is the role model for the husband. Has he ever been controlling and abusive toward the church? Or does He, as a servant leader, lovingly guide and nurture His church?
… Although churches should offer unconditional love, far too often families are only accepted by the congregation if they seem to fit in with the status quo. …Jesus offers unconditional love and acceptance, and does not value a person for how he looks or what he owns. He said, “You are like whitewashed tombs—beautiful on the outside, but filled on the inside with dead people’s bones and all sorts of impurity. You try to look like upright people outwardly, but inside your hearts are filled with hypocrisy and lawlessness.” (Matthew 23:27-28 NLT)
… Although some churches are guilty of perpetuating family violence, many other church communities and pastors are actively involved in stopping the cycle of abuse, providing safety for the victim and help for the abuser. Does your church offer hope or perpetuate the pain? (From the article, “Abuse and The Church’s Role”)
• Church leaders need to realize batterers can be manipulative.
I know a woman in my community who went to her pastor for help because she was afraid of her husband. The pastor called her husband and asked that he and the wife come in for counseling. The poor woman was absolutely terrified to sit in a joint counseling session with her husband and said nothing while the husband smoothed things over.
Shortly after this, the woman made a decision to leave her husband. One night when she thought he was away, she returned home to get some of her things. The husband was there hiding and beat the woman so severely that parts of her brain were exposed.
Leaders also need to work to dismiss misinterpretations of Scripture such as 1 Peter 3:1-6, which abusers often use to defend their actions. It’s unbelievable how many Christian men think they’re entitled by God to discipline and control their wives. As 1 Peter 3:7 reminds us, no man has a God-given right to punish or retaliate against his wife under any condition. And a woman shouldn’t be led to think that through her submission and suffering she’ll become a better person. To allow someone to abuse you does not bring glory to God. (Corrie Cutrer, from article titled, “The Silent Epidemic”)
• Marriage is for committed lovers, not hostages.
Marriage is a sacred relationship created for two people who complete each other spiritually. While it requires sacrificial service, it is not a call to martyrdom. In many cases of domestic violence, a therapeutic separation is necessary to gain safety and direct attention to the gravity of the need for change. (Rob Jackson, from chapter “What If My Spouse Abuses Me?” from the book, “The First Five Years of Marriage”)
• Break your silence.
Reflect on how much pain you’ve suffered, and remember your abuser’s broken promises. Consider the fear you feel and how your children are being affected. Gather your courage to take action. Realize that God offers you real hope for a life free of abuse. Take stock of trustworthy people with whom you may safely share your story. Start by telling one person as soon as you can. Then reach out to others so you’re not relying just one person to meet all your needs.
Don’t let the person abusing you know who you have told so he or she won’t try to harm the people who are trying to help you. Understand that it’s critical for you to break your silence, however. Know that many people are willing and able to help you if you let them know what’s going on. (From Crosswalk.com article “Heal from Abuse”)
• Abuse is always wrong.
Some try to excuse it. Most perpetrators have a sense of entitlement, thinking their actions are justified. Ironically, their victims may also believe they deserve to be mistreated. Some will even defend their abuser, citing his or her earnest apologies afterward. But abuse in any form, for any reason, wounds both spouses. It’s always sinful, and few things destroy trust in a marriage as quickly. Regardless of childhood pain or marital conflict, mature spouses learn to set limits. They do this so anger doesn’t become abuse by frequency, degree, or duration. (Rob Jackson, from the book, “The First Five Years of Marriage”)
• Most people assume that men are almost always more violent.
They assume men are sometimes seen as the only ones who need help with anger and the sources of anger. In reality, both genders need help. Spousal abuse from the wife to husband is currently an underreported problem in homes of passive men. Domestic-violence research overwhelmingly shows that women are as likely as men to initiate and engage in domestic violence, and that much of female domestic violence is not committed in self-defense. Studies show that women often compensate for smaller size by greater use of weapons and the element of surprise. (Paul and Sandy Coughlin, from the book Married But Not Engaged)
• No one, under any circumstance, deserves to be abused.
They don’t deserve to feel disregarded, insulted, controlled, coerced, intimidated, hurt, hit, pushed, grabbed, or touched in any undesired way. Nothing that anyone in a family says or does justifies abuse. One act of abuse never justifies another. Everyone has the right and the responsibility to heal suffering. Whenever we hurt a loved one we bleed a little inside. That internal injury, unhealed, becomes the source of still more anger, aggression, diminished sense of self, and enduring misery. (Dr Steven Stosny, Compassionpower.com)
• Angry and controlling husbands are very anxious by temperament.
From the time they were young children, they’ve had a more or less constant sense of dread that things will go badly and they will fail to cope. So they try to control their environment to avoid that terrible feeling of failure and inadequacy. But the cause of their anxiety is with them, not in their environment. The sole purpose of your husband’s anger and abusive behavior is to defend himself from feeling like a failure, especially as a: • Protector • Provider • Lover • Parent. In truth, most men feel inadequate about relationships. We learn to feel adequate by providing what all relationships require: support and compassion. (Steven Stosny, from Compassionpower.com article, “You Are Not the Cause of His Anger or Abuse”)
• What All Forms of Abuse Have in Common:
Whether overt or silent, all forms of abuse are failures of compassion; he stops caring about how you feel. Compassion is the lifeblood of marriage and failure of compassion is the heart disease. It actually would be less hurtful if your husband never cared about how you felt. But when you were falling in love, he cared a great deal. So now it feels like betrayal when he doesn’t care or try to understand. It feels like he’s not the person you married.
Unlike love, which masks the differences between people, compassion makes us sensitive to the individual strengths and vulnerabilities of other people. It lets us appreciate our differences. Love without the sensitivity of compassion is: • Rejecting (who you really are as a person) • Possessive • Controlling • Dangerous. (Steven Stosny, from Compassionpower.com article, “Emotional Abuse, Verbal Abuse”)
• In abusive relationships, violence usually occurs in cycles.
The cycle of violence begins with increased tension, anger, blaming and arguing. Then the cycle progresses to a violent stage where the abuser begins to afflict physical violence such as hitting, kicking, slapping, etc. After the storm of violence blows over, he may experience remorse and swear he will never resort to such behavior again. This is called the calm stage or honeymoon stage.
There are several tactics a man might use to sweet talk his way back into his victim’s life. He may try to convince her to return to the home if she has left. These include showering her with love and gifts; telling her he will be a great dad; starting to attend church services; halting his drinking; and starting to receive outside counseling. Often the cycle begins again, however, and continues under his control until the battered woman learns to break free. (From the booklet “A Way of Hope”)
• How to Know If Your Husband Has Truly Changed:
If you are in an emotionally abusive relationship, you have no doubt experienced “honeymoon” periods in the past when, driven by remorse, he seemed to change and everything was fine. The following will help you know that your partner is in the process of permanent change. You will feel that he consistently (every day): • Values and appreciates you —you are important to him; • Listens to you; • Shows compassion —cares how you feel, even when you disagree with him; – Respects you as an equal and doesn’t try to control you or dismiss your opinions; • Shows affection without always expecting sex; – Regulates his guilt, shame, anxiety, resentment or anger, without blaming them on you. (Dr Steven Stosny, Compassionpower.com)
• Seek wisdom when deciding whether or not to reconcile with the one who abused you.
Make sure that your abuser has demonstrated strong accountability and thorough change before you consider restoring your relationship with him or her. Understand that, if you are to reconcile, you should feel stronger, safe to voice your own opinions, and able to live without fear or the threat of violence. You need to be valued for who you are and have your skills and talents appreciated and respected. Ask the Holy Spirit to give you wisdom about whether to reconcile, and if so, when. (From Crosswalk.com article “Heal from Abuse”)
• If you have been abused and are hurt deeply inside, there is hope, healing, and full restoration.
If you will yield your heart to the Holy Spirit sent from God to be our helper, He will lead you through every traumatic situation that you have been through into wholeness. The process is painful. However, on the other side of each “door of pain” is a place of joy, peace and rest.
The Holy Spirit works through the Word of God (the Bible). Which means, you must diligently give yourself to study of the Bible daily, surround yourself with godly people, turn your ears and eyes away from the secular media including TV, radio, movies, books and the like, and turn all of your heart over to Jesus, He will tenderly minister life to you instead of death. Share the pain of your heart with Him while searching the Scriptures for the answers. As you’re doing that, turn your eyes and ears to godly Christian books, tapes, videos, TV, radio stations and music that God can use to administer healing to your heart. (From an article titled, Abuse in Marriage, as posted on DivorceHope.com)
• Use the many resources that can help you.
Spiritually, bring all your painful feelings and hard questions to God in prayer. Invite Him to minister to you through His Spirit and His Word —especially passages such as the Psalms. The biblical characters pour out their own pain and doubts to Him and find deliverance. (From Crosswalk.com article “Heal from Abuse”)
• Your life is not futile because God has not forgotten you.
Although it may seem you are on an endless treadmill of despair and tragic circumstances, God is working behind the scenes, in spite of your pain, to bring you out of bondage and “give you a future and a hope.” (Jeremiah 29:11) (From the Focusministries1.org article, “Because He Loves You”)
• You hear, O Lord, the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them and you listen to their cry, defending the fatherless and the oppressed, in order that man, who is of the earth, may terrify no more. (Psalm 10:17-18)
• To you, O Lord, I lift up my soul; in you I trust, O my God. Do not let me be put to shame, nor let my enemies triumph over me. No one whose hope is in you will ever be put to shame, but they will be put to shame who are treacherous without excuse. Show me your ways, O Lord, teach me your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long. (Psalm 25:1-5)
182 responses to “Quotes on “Abuse in Marriage””
My husband is verbally abusive and has exhibited rather mild physical abuse on a few occasions in the last 13 years. Our relationship has deteriorated to nearly nothing. We are not intimate or loving.
I think I’m acting as a martyr for our two small children but yet I’m not sure if I’m doing more harm than good by staying. I stay for them mostly, or maybe I stay for my anxiety as it relates to how the divorce will impact their way of life. I want to homeschool them or at least stay home with them until the youngest is old enough for school. I also want them to live in the house we own now. I’m afraid to coparent with my husband. I’m afraid of them being damaged by him if they are alone with him. I’m afraid he will try to manipulate custody arrangements with lies. I’m a stay at home mom with a home in a safe area. I’m blessed in so many ways. It’s very hard to abandon.
I tolerate the abuse pretty well. I cry sometimes, and I’m afraid to waste my life without companionship. He started counseling recently and things are less acute. I do recognize that we’re at the low point of his abuse cycle right now and am planning on being gone tomorrow. I will start a journal and read the books you recommend. Pray for me please.
My heart cries for you and with you… especially, in light of you being a mom. That has to make all of this especially difficult. Please know that I am praying for you.
Why does society always think that the marital or relationship abuses come from men? We all know that by proportion, more men abuse their spouses but the fact of the matter is that women are always as guilty as men because men tend to keep things in themselves and do not report the heinous crimes that they suffer from their female spouses. It ranges from physical, infidelity (both emotional and financial), physiological, to emotional abuses.
I think it’s time for men to start speaking up about the abuses they suffer in the hands of their spouses so that these discussions become proportional to all and it does not look like men bashing forum.
Please take everything you read here as the highest priority. Trust me, 22 years and he filed for divorce. His abuse, his drinking – I endured it all. I wanted my son to NOT have his world torn apart. On the outside looking in we were a family. He left because he wanted to be with his girlfriend and their child. When you see your abuser for what he is he will get a new victim. These individuals are sick; the cycle doesn’t change. My fifteen year old son is with them because his dad will buy him anything. He already has a Ford Mustang. He can’t legally drive till he’s sixteen. Abusive significant others are monsters. They are not your life partner. They are not a co-parent. I wish I would have ran. Lord I hope I spare you. Staying is not the right thing. Sure I heard and read it too. Get out and spare yourself and your Children. My son has been hospitalized 14 days total over psychological issues. There is a war in my son. The forces of good and evil. No one knows the pain I have watched my son go through all this. If I would have left when he was five he’d be a thriving teen now. Abuse, drinking, cheating …It doesn’t go away. Yourself and your children will suffer immensely. I pray you heed the warning.
About once a year my husband will throw me to floor, grabbing my arms leaving his finger prints (bruises), pin me to the floor, and choke me. Later he says I provoked him to do it. He was angry that I would not drop our oldest son from our health plan. I work full time and pay the benefits (pay for our health insurance). Is this type of behavior abuse? I had compartmental Bruce on hip; he threw me with such force. This may sound stupid but am I desperate to know God’s will. I have been married for almost 26 years and similar scenarios have happened occasionally for 22 of those years. Thank you for praying. I need to know as I have left but he wants me to come back. I think the main reason is because I pay benefits. He resents any money spent on our two sons.
Connie, I’m sure you know this is abusive behavior… you just wanted someone to also say so. I’m so sad for you that your husband thinks this type of behavior is acceptable. It is not. When/if you go back to living with him, you REALLY, really need to make sure that he “gets it” as far as how this is NOT how he should treat anyone –let alone his wife that he vowed to show love to for the rest of your life together. He also has to have a plan in place as to what he will do when he loses his temper, OTHER than hurting you. Hands are for loving, not for pinning a spouse to the floor, causing bruising, and choking. Please read through the other articles in this topic on “Abuse in Marriage.” We have a lot of info posted that may help you better protect yourself and also make some important decisions for your future.
As far as dropping your oldest son from your health plan, you may need to talk to a counselor or someone who is wise on family matters on this one –someone who is impartial. I don’t know your circumstances… but no matter what, abuse is NEVER acceptable or excusable. And the fact that he “resents any money spent” on your two sons is troublesome. He is supposed to be the provider, protector of the family, as God would have him –not the abuser and refuser. You obviously have a lot of praying and working through some important matters before you can considering going back home. Please don’t do so prematurely. Expect more from him than you have in the past.
Thank you for this article. I’ve been married for over 54 years. During that time I was also physically and mentally abused. I left several times, but always came back because I thought he was truly working on getting better. Now I’m alone and he is in a mental hospital, temporarily. The last incident put me in the hospital for stitches on my head. I’m feeling a little better, but the scares inside of me still have to heal. I have a restraining order against him.
I DO NOT intend to allow him to come home again. Thanks to my children, they’re giving me the strength to carry on. I also feel guilty about all the years of abuse that my children had to witness. I cannot change that. I pray for them always. I seek the Holy Spirit and He has given me that peace that I so need. I’m thankful and hope to start a new life with confidence in the Lord. In my heart I have forgiven him, only for my sake. I cannot keep unforgiveness inside of my heart. It will hurt me more if I don’t forgive. I just want to let other women out there know that it is never to late to take your life back and start anew. With God’s help you can. Thank you.
Hi, I am from India. We are there with our family. I have a lovely son studying. We husband and wife are both Engineers. He got jobs in several countries. We moved along with him. I took entire responsibility for household jobs and my son’s education. But slowly peace disappears from our life. As I got married I got to know he is different. In crisis situations like when he had difficulty finding a job, he was restless. He abused me verbally. Sometimes he insulted me harshly and sent me to my mother’s place. It is really insulting being a professionally educated lady.
Now at this age of 60 (my age is 50) he remains the same. Name calling, and public insulting is very common. I stared teaching my neighbor’s children. But these days I am not getting students, he is upset. I tried to build up my teaching resources, but he was demotivating about me and my son’s career. I cannot bear anymore at this age. I feel frustrated. I have lost interest in everything. Please help me.
Just after I married my wife three years ago, we got into an argument over how to dismiss our helper. She started throwing things, and threatened to kill me. She said I had sided with the helper and disrespected her as a wife. Since then she has slapped me, broken and thrown things, and threatened to commit suicide (after she discovered I was having an affair).
Most recently she became verbally abusive over a leaky pipe in our ceiling. I paused back and told her to pack her things and leave (I admit I lost my temper and was yelling). She picked up a large knife (followed by a meat cleaver) and threatened me. We are now in counseling and she says she will never do it again. She says she is sorry and remorseful. I’m so confused, I don’t know what to do. My daughters (from a prior marriage) say I need to leave her but I really don’t know what to do. After our first meeting with a counselor he never really addressed the knife threat, but focused on my stupidity having an affair. Help! What should I do?
God wants us to forgive. I will go to Celebrate Recovery a biblical marriage counseling and set boundaries and let God take care of him. Addiction of alcohol is involved and try to repair the marriage on my part.
Do you have to always just separate and not divorce when abuse happens? What if it has happened for years and now weapons are involved? What if your spouse told you to kill yourself and threatened to kill you?
Faye, you are in danger. Please find a way to protect yourself and get help. We have articles and recommended web site ministries that can help you to do this. Please don’t take this lightly. Don’t think about divorce right now. Just concentrate on finding a way to protect yourself. If you can get away, it might be advisable. Again, you are in danger. When weapons start to be involved, things are ramping up even more. Please read what we have posted on protecting yourself. You may want to talk to a counselor (for free) at an abuse center. I pray you find a way to live in peace and safety.
My husband of 31 years started to verbally and physically abuse me 1 1/2 years now. I do not know why it seems like a switch flipped and he is doing this. I am 53 years old, I am disabled due to failed back surgeries. And I have other medical issues. Recently I had a hernia surgery and am recovering. I would have left the second he hit me but I have no where to go and I am unable to work. I also own 1/2 the house we live in. I go to Therapy twice a week for support. I have been talking to a women’s center since it started. I’m so tired and literally sick. I need to get healthy first to figure out what to do where to go etc. I just feel broken, sad, and hurt. I think I need to get angry. I know that this is in no way my fault. He blames me for everything and takes responsibility for nothing. He told me to kill myself so he wouldn’t be miserable anymore. I will not even think of doing that. I just want out and away from him. I just don’t know how being unable to work and everything but this house is in his name. I’m so overwhelmed. Does anyone have any advice please? Thank you in advance. Maybe we can help each other.
About 2 years ago I left my husband. He is a very abusive person. He has punched soo hard and knocked me out to where my whole left side was swollen shut… He has punched a hole through my cheek. He has hit me with a hammer throughout my body; he has hit me on top of my head with a gun. I have numerous scars to remind me of what he did! We still are currently married but I have an protective order on him.
Does anyone know if I could get assistance to get a divorce if I can’t afford one? We have no children, no assets, the only thing we share are our last names! And he refuses to sign for a contested divorce. …Just thought I would reach out if this site is not for this I’m sorry! Thanks.
Courtney, I’m so sorry that you find yourself in this place. How horrible that your husband thinks it’s even remotely acceptable to do this to any human being, let alone his wife who he vowed to love and honor! How my heart goes out to you. I pray you are able to find protection and are able to live in a peaceful home, free from abuse of any kind.
As for your question… we don’t know of anywhere you can go to get the help you need. But please go into the Abuse in Marriage Links and Recommended Resource section and look at the web sites and organizations that we link to. Please try contacting them, one by one until your questions are answered. They would better know what you should do and who can help you. You can find this section at: https://marriagemissions.com/about-us-2/abuse-in-marriage-links-and-resource-descriptions/. May God help you, protect you, and shine his face upon you as you look to Him to meet all your needs.
Please pray for me … I am in a verbally abusive relationship. We have been together for four years, both in our 50’s.
Although I have known him all my life, he is not who I thought he was. I struggle because we have a business together; I am an artist. Since the beginning of our relationship he said he doesn’t want to make our relationship together legal. But he tells everybody I’m his wife … we had a ceremony with just the two of us.
He believes in Jesus Christ but he has threatened to leave me several times and then I become sad… so I write it down, or sometimes I have have confided in his sisters…(bad mistake). He has never hit me but he has thrown things. But inside when he talks to me badly I feel like someone beats up my heart and mind. Now he has been telling me to just live without him and to stay at my daughters .
We live in Florida for the season and go back to Michigan in summer. The worst part is I had a relationship of verbal abuse before. I feel like a foolish woman… I don’t know what to do …. I am so sad.