The following are quotes on Newlywed adjustments and issues. We pray they will minister to your marital situation.
• In the beginning, promises were exchanged during a dreamy candlelit wedding ceremony. But in the beginning, when we were crazy in love with our husband, the pledge to love and respect him was a painless promise to make.
After all, he was our knight in shining armor. He was the man of our dreams and, by far, the easiest guy in the world to respect. Right? But somewhere along the way, somewhere between our marriage vows and mortgage payments, somewhere between the magical and the mundane, we learn there is more to the words, “I promise to love and honor you,” than we had originally thought. Much, much more… (Judy Carden, from the book, What Husbands Need)
• The public is so ill-prepared for and ill-informed about marriage. They don’t realize that the first two years of marriage is the time when a new civilization is hammered out. We mislead couples by calling it the “honeymoon” phase. We send them off without the basic understanding of what to expect. Plus, we don’t give them the skills they’ll need to lay the foundation for a life-long marriage. It’s cruel and barbaric.
Just getting the basics out to the public is the first step. Explaining what the research has found about WHY the first two years have the highest failure rate is the next step. And, teaching and equipping couples what to do about it is key. The first 3 years also has the highest infidelity rate. Very few people realize that. So much needs to be done in marriage education. (Diane Sollee)
• A cultural myth says that the first two years of marriage will involve romantic love, passionate sex and will be problem free. They have nothing to worry about. Like much of common-sense advice, it is simplistic and wrong. In reality, the first two years of marriage are crucial in building a solid marital bond of respect, trust and intimacy. An important part of the bond is developing a couple’s sexual style. This is so that sexuality can be a shared pleasure that deepens and reinforces intimacy. Plus, it’s a tension reducer to deal with the stresses of married life. When sex goes well it serves a huge role in enhancing marital vitality and satisfaction. (Barry McCarthy PhD)
Keep in Mind:
• Marriage is more than sharing a life together. It’s building a life together. What you do now is for both. And what is said now is for both. What your purpose is now is for the kingdom and giving glory to the image of God. (Norm Wright, from the book, “One Marriage Under God”)
• How does a newlywed couple live out the promise made before God and a community of family and friends? Decision, priority, balance, and forgiveness are the keys. Decision is the operative word. Fidelity requires decision, decision to follow through on a pledge. Decide to act honorably. Decide to put your marriage as number one each day. (Mary Stubler)
• Who, newly in love, preoccupied from morning till night with thoughts of love, can believe they will ever be out of step with their partner? Who can believe that the feelings they are experiencing so strongly will ever fade? Certainly no bride or groom wants to hear that their flame will burn lower in time. But in a sense, it will. The passionate love that begins a marriage cannot sustain a marriage. Newlyweds who equate true love only with passion are doomed to disappointment. (Drs Les & Leslie Parrott, from the book, “Saving Your Marriage Before it Starts“)
• As you settle into your new life, each of you will try to create the same environment you enjoyed as a single person. The problem is —no matter how much you are alike —your definitions of “normal” are different. This leads to conflict. For some reason, most engaged couples believe that there will be little conflict in their marriage. They believe that somehow they will be different. But if your definition of “normal” doesn’t include resolving conflict, one or both of you will panic when conflict arises. Your will believe “we aren’t normal. Marriage shouldn’t be like this!” However, that is EXACTLY what marriage is like. Conflict is normal!
…The first year of your marriage is the best time to develop and practice healthy communication and conflict resolution skills. These skills will make your marriage stronger, as you conquer conflict together. You will not only celebrate your differences but use them to make your marriage a unique testimony of your life in Christ. (Bill and Bridget Dunk)
Concerning Marital Expectations:
• People draw their marital expectations from two wells. One is courtship. If dating was wonderful and starry-eyed, why would you expect marriage to be otherwise? If spending 20 hours a week brings us such joy, you might think, more time together as husband and wife could only be better! But think back to your courtship. Wasn’t it largely a mirage? What did you do when you didn’t want to be alone? You got dressed up and did fun things together. What did you do when you were tired of talking? You went home. How did you deal with financial decisions? You made them on your own. When you were dating, there were some built-in escape valves in your relationship.
But now that you’re married, there’s no other home to go to. Your spouse’s finances are yours, and vice versa. By its nature, courtship allows a couple to live in denial. Marriage makes that posture much more difficult to maintain. (Glenn Lutjens, from “The First Five Years of Marriage”)
• Many of the challenges of the first five years stem from distorted expectations. We live in a fast-food culture with a sense of entitlement to having everything happen on demand. But marriage doesn’t work that way. The apostle Paul advised Christians to “work out your salvation with fear and trembling.” (Philippians 2:12) As radio Bible teacher Alistair Begg has noted, we need to do the same in our marriages. Many spouses are blind-sided by the complexities of married life. They assume they naturally know how to make a relationship work. But Begg suggests that we should expect to work out the marriage relationship “with fear and trembling.” This is opposed to being deluded by the notion that it will come easily. (Wilford Wooten and Phillip Swihart, from “The First Five Years of Marriage”)
Conflicts Arise Naturally for Newlyweds
• Typically the first year of marriage is the most conflict-intense. From the time a couple gets engaged through the first year of their marriage, they’re making all kinds of decisions, both big and small. Conflict arises as they work out together how decisions will be made. For example, the wedding itself usually creates a lot of conflict. This is because there are so many decisions to be made. Conflict almost always accompanies times of increased stress. (Tom, from the book, Happily Ever After)
• The early years of marriage can be just as stressful and difficult as the later years. But it is for different reasons. Although you may not be adjusting to a new screaming baby or trying to parent a rebellious teen, you’re trying to do one of the most difficult tasks of all time. Your task is to become one flesh. Blending two people with different backgrounds, learning experiences, family histories, and expectations into one marriage is nothing short of a miracle. Maybe that’s why God must be in the center of it to really make it work.
But even with God right smack dab in the middle of the two of you, there will be clashes. There will also be changes, concessions, and compromises. That’s what this stage of the marriage is for. It is to spend time developing a strong connection between the two of you. Plus, you are to start learning and applying the skills that will become the foundation of a strong marriage that can really go the distance. It’s about learning to “leave and cleave” and becoming one flesh. (Dr Debbie L. Cherry, Child-Proofing Your Marriage)
Early Years of Marriage
• Many of the challenges of the first five years stem from distorted expectations. We live in a fast-food culture with a sense of entitlement to having everything happen on demand. But marriage doesn’t work that way. The apostle Paul advised Christians to “work out your salvation with fear and trembling.” (Philippians 2:12) As radio Bible teacher Alistair Begg has noted, we need to do the same in our marriages. Many spouses are blind-sided by the complexities of married life. They assume they naturally know how to make a relationship work. Begg suggests that we should expect to work out the marriage relationship “with fear and trembling.” This is opposed to being deluded by the notion that it will come easily. (Wilford Wooten and Phillip J. Swihart, from the book, The First Five Years of Marriage)
• Far too often what seemed irresistible in the swirl of hormones and emotional highs during courtship turns out to be irritating in the 24/7, “up close and personal” daily life of husband and wife. The mature and responsible guy seems to become a stiff. He is nit-picking perfectionist, boring and sexually uninteresting. The girl who appeared to be such a wonderful, bouncy, free spirit now looks like an irresponsible. She appears to be an immature twit with no depth. Is that what’s happened with your wife? The truth is that she’s the same woman you fell so much in love with. But you have changed. You’re stripped of your illusions about her. (Phillip J. Swihart, an author of the book, The First Five Years of Marriage)
• Any genuine relationship, which offers the “magic” of love also contains the seed of disappointments, flaws, and failures. Few of us are aware of that reality at the beginning of marriage. That is because our expectations run high. When we meet the person who seems to fill in the lonely spaces in our heart, and the feeling is shared, we say it’s too good to be true. But we believe that it is true anyhow! We desperately want to believe we have found the ideal love relationship. This is one, which will fulfill all our dreams.
After marriage when the discontent slips in, when we discover that our partner is less than “a perfect fit” as a mate. We find that our relationship is less than the perfection we counted on. And this may disappoint us and disturb us. But it can also mark the beginning of our true love affair. Wisdom tells us that although life will not be a perpetual honeymoon, something much better, much richer, can be ours. That happens if we’re willing to direct our secret choices toward building love-filled intimacy with the real person we married. (Dr. Ed Wheat, from: Secret Choices)
• The love you now have for your partner will undergo numerous changes. It will evolve into many different forms over a lifetime together. Accepting this fact can help you keep your love alive, saving your marriage before it starts. But more importantly, accepting love’s changeable nature allows you to relax and enjoy its many manifestations. Over time, you will see how love’s many forms strengthen and deepen your relationship. It enriches your lives with its exquisite beauty and rare character. (Dr’s Les and Leslie Parrott)
First Years of Marriage
• We each experience love in different ways. Part of your job in these early years of marriage is to be a student of your spouse. Learn everything you can about him or her, and put into action what you learn. Finding out how you can make your spouse feel loved is essential to experiencing continued closeness. Staying close also requires that you continue to do the things you did during dating and courtship that drew you close together in the first place. If you want to stay in love forever, commit to doing the things that made you fall in love in the first place. And then do them forever. (Dr Debbie L. Cherry, Child-Proofing Your Marriage)
• There are two myths about the first year of marriage. One is that it’s all sweetness and light. The other is that it’s hell on earth. They are myths because every marriage is different. Whatever is happening to a particular newly-married couple is no more than raw material. It is a starting point on which to build the marriage. And you can start from anyplace. (Dr James Healy)
Did You Know?
• They say that marriage doesn’t really start until you return from your honeymoon, and they’re right. For this is the first time you’re actually together as man and wife without the glitter, and without the hype. You’re without the distractions of ceremony or vacation, and with all the decisions of starting out still to be made. For most newly married couples, it also means setting up a new home, which is supposed to be fun. It is supposed to be exhilarating, but it often turns out to be exasperating.
You didn’t just gain a husband or wife. You gained his or her old sofa bed and chairs, and the old posters (from college!). Plus, you gained the old T-shirts, and boxes of things you may well be fighting about 3 weeks or months after the day after your wedding day. The point is, you most likely won’t be haggling about things. You’ll be fighting about what those things mean or meant, to you or your spouse. (Curtis Pesmen, Your First Year of Marriage)
• The first year of marriage is like wet cement —the impressions made in it are much harder to change once it has set. (Robert Wolgemuth)
The First Years
• The truth is, husbands are on trial in the first year of marriage. Wives are too. There’s no denying it when you think about it, but people don’t think about it all that often. They take the two-lives-merge-into-one part of marriage for granted. They assume things will just work out. Fortunately they often do, a lot of time. But as the majority of couples find out, the merging of lives on a day-to-day, ultimate basis is a lot more complex than they thought. From good and bad habits around the home to eating patterns and cooking in the kitchen, to his-and-her bathroom styles and beyond, nesting is testing —each other. It’s tricky business, it’s tough, but it does have rewards. (Curtis Pesmen, from the book: Your First Year of Marriage)
• A responsibility that newlyweds take on without asking for it concerns their partner’s sense of style. For now it is at least part of their own. “Before being married I dressed my home and rooms to my taste and style,” Laura related. “Now there are two styles and tastes to think about. I remember that looking at art on our honeymoon was really an eye opener. I love colorful pictures. My husband likes scenery types of art. Totally opposite! His colors and styles are more realistic, and much calmer. In a full store that had walls full of art, we didn’t agree on one painting that we both liked.
Being married, we realized, we’re going to have to compromise. A lot! (So we bought no art!) “Also, even when I was picking up items for my family, now I had to think about two families. It’s not that it’s a burden, or bad. It’s just an adjustment.” (Curtis Pesmen)
• Motto for the bride and groom: We are a work in progress with a lifetime contract. (Phyllis Koss)
• APPLY THE “24-5 PRINCIPLE” —based in part on Deuteronomy 24:5: “If a man has recently married he must not be sent to war or have any other duty laid on him. For one year he is to be free to stay at home and bring happiness to the wife he has married.” Many couples don’t take enough time to talk, bond, and firmly connect with each other during the early days of their marriage. If you’re a newlywed, you can apply the 24-5 Principle by doing the following: • Establish a special, exclusive covenant for one year. • Refrain from all extra responsibilities during that year. • Focus on and establish your marriage before you move out into career advancement, ministry, and further education.
Additionally: • Invest in and bond with your spouse emotionally, spiritually, relationally, and sexually. • Bring happiness to one another; limit your time with others during the first year. You can expect some resistance from family members and friends on this decision. But ask them to pray for your marriage throughout this first year together. (James Groesbeck, an author from the book, The First Five Years of Marriage)
• Marriage is a journey through predictable passages, or stages, of love. These stages —romance, power struggle, cooperation, mutuality, and co-creativity—are sequential seasons of love in marriage. Each stage has its own challenges and opportunities, and each builds on each other, eventually bringing your love to its full potential. (Drs Les and Leslie Parrott)
• The first change the woman must adjust to is no longer being a bride. (Sheryl Nissinen)
It’s True That:
• Some men act as though their work is done the moment their bride says “I do.” It’s almost as though, on their wedding day, they take their to-do list and put a check mark next to “find a wife.” Then after the honeymoon, it’s back to work. And they’re back to that to-do list —with many more battles to win and more check marks to make. Perhaps the most interesting part of this phenomenon in men is that they’re feeling a sense of finality about their wedding day accomplishment. But their brides are seeing it as just a beginning. (Robert Wolgemuth, Mark DeVries, From the book, The Most Important Year in a Woman’s Life/ The Most Important Year in a Man’s Life)
• During the honeymoon period, there is a tremendous amount of goodwill, trust, and a willingness to adjust. You both have a narrow window of opportunity to change bad habits in yourselves. This is a time to set some ground rules, and become aware of the other’s needs, strengths, and weaknesses. This is also the time in which you will develop your communication patterns. (Kay Coles James, from the book: What I Wish I’d Known Before I Got Married)
• Unfortunately, after the honeymoon period ends, too many couples forget to make their marriages a number one priority. They start to take each other for granted. Everything else seems more important— careers, children, hobbies, community involvement, and personal pursuits. And when marriages aren’t attended to as they should be, trouble sets in. Couples start arguing about every little thing. Or, they simply grow apart. And although growing apart isn’t a marital death sentence, it requires hard work to set things on course. (Michele Weiner-Davis)
• The success of a marriage comes not only in finding the “right” person, but in the ability of both partners to adjust to the real person they inevitably realize they married. (John Fisher)
• An overriding cause for much of the marital stress of the first years of marriage is the preoccupation with living life. This results in a failure to build intimacy in the marital relationship. Before marriage, much of your time and personal energy was spent in getting to know each other. Many couples assume that after marriage they don’t need to keep at this process of developing intimacy. However, the adjustment process will tend to drive you apart. That happens unless intimacy continues to be cultivated. Intimacy demands time together, and effective communication. It demands a willingness to know and be known by each other, and a desire to meet each other’s needs.
As a couple in the early years of marriage, you need a commitment to build an intimacy base. Then at each of the later stages of marriage, you will be held together because of intimacy, not just because of obligations such as the mortgage or children. Any investment in each other now will be enjoyed all during your married years. If you invest now, in the midst of being very busy, you’ll receive the reward of a strong marriage for the rest of your lives! (Jim and Sally Conway)
• Every marriage faces pressure points that test a couple’s mettle: getting adjusted to one another, launching a new career, the birth of the first child and subsequent children, children going to school and moving out of the house, serious illness, and retirement. These milestones can cause upheaval in the happiest of marriages. If the change is not expected and planned for, love is thrown off course. But if the marriage is good and change is anticipated, there is a gradual process of acclamation, and love finds a new sense of fulfillment. (Drs Les and Leslie Parrott)
• The early investment in building an exceptional marriage costs a fraction of what it will take to keep a lousy one on life support. The early investment takes less time. It takes less emotional anxiety. Have you ever walked down a sidewalk and seen a hand print or someone’s name etched into its surface? Think about how much work it took to make those marks and how difficult it would be to change them. Indelible marks are made on your marriage early. They’re not very difficult to make, but they’re extremely difficult to change.
Scripture is clear that there is —and should be —something undeniably different about the first year of marriage. The implication is that, particularly for a husband, there is a receptivity to change during this year. We call this “THE WET CEMENT YEAR.” Once the patterns of the marriage are set, change can and does occur. But it may take something like a jackhammer to bring it about.
Too many women spend the first year of marriage working hard not to make waves. They’re hoping that the little irritants and insensitivities of their husbands will simply go away. But in almost every marriage we’ve observed, problems not dealt with in the first year simply become larger and more paralyzing as the years go by. (From the book, The Most Important Year in a Man’s Life/ Woman’s Life by Wolgemuth and Devries)
Don’t Struggle Alone
• Long before the fires of frustration ever threaten to engulf your marriage, make sure you have at your fingertips more than enough resources to extinguish them. So right here and right now, in your first year of marriage, put together a team of people who will promise to stand with you on the side of your marriage. This could be a marriage mentor couple, the pastor who married you, maybe even a professional counselor you both trust.
Invite them today to be a part of your support team. You’re not looking for a group of people to be your therapists and to solve your problems. You are simply looking for people who you trust and who can create an environment of hopefulness for you. These are people who will encourage you to hold on to all the right reasons you married each other in the first place. (From the book, The Most Important Year in a Man’s Life/Woman’s Life by Wolgemuth and Devries)
• Isolation is a strategic ploy of the enemy. He wants you separated from others so that you think you are the only couple in the whole world who ever had a particular problem. That’s why you need to start early to find other couples who are kindred spirits and row together by sharing the struggles and triumphs in your lives and marriages. At least one other couple needs to know how you really are doing in your marriage. This point is so important that I will say it again. You need at least one or two other couples who know how you are doing in your marriage. (Dennis and Barbara Rainey, Starting Your Marriage Right)
Past the Dreamy Days of Dating
• Every married individual must adjust to qualities in a spouse that were not noticed or were ignored during the dreamy days of dating. (Dennis Rainey)
• At prime moments, God will use your marriage to show you how to love the unlovely. (Dennis Rainey)
• In-laws can be wonderful. That’s the good news. But do beware: The relationship between you and your in-laws can be less than smooth and supportive. Overly detached parents can put stress on a marriage. As you’re getting started in your new life, it’s imperative that you and your husband —not your parents —set the guidelines and boundaries that will be most supportive of your marriage in the long run. But get ready. Making these adjustments will most likely be more challenging for you than it will be for your husband. (Susan Devries, Bobbie Wolgemuth, from the book: The Most Important Year in a Woman’s Life)
• Learning to get along with each other’s family is a gift you each give the other. And it may be the most valuable gift you give or receive during your marriage. If affects the two of you now, but later it will have a big impact on your children. Grandparents are very important. And the two of you are the gate through which the families have to pass to have a relationship with your children. (Steve and Kathy Beirne)
• What you say and do now in relation to your in-laws will set the tone for years to come. Getting off to a good start is very important because it is difficult to undo the first impression. Go slow and listen more than talk. Different families have different ways to show love, affection, approval, etc. (Steve and Kathy Beirne)
Dealing with Inlaws
• Newlyweds should always follow the golden rule in dealing with their in-laws because if everything goes “right” one day, newlyweds will also be parents-in-law. (Leah Shifrin Averick)
• To limit confusion and minimize conflicts, it works best if each of you is the primary spokesperson to your own parents when working out differences. Also remember to keep you relationship with each set of parents separate. And keep it positive. Avoid making comparisons. One set of parents does not need to know everything the other is doing, such as how much time you spend with them or what they buy for you. (From the Marriage Partnership article, “In-Law Tug-of-War” by Ingrid Lawrenz)
• Holiday visits: Often, there is blind defensive loyalty to one’s own family. For that reason, a new spouse can be seen as a critical intruder. So begin by frankly acknowledging each family’s traditions and desires. One family might view Christmas as a major reunion that lasts several days—and nights. A spouse who accustomed to a different style of celebration might prefer instead to split up the time between the two families. It would be easy to read a new son-or-daughter-in-law’s departure from the “norm” as a rejection of the time-honored tradition. So it’s crucial that you prepare your family for some changes. Offer them an explanation so your spouse won’t come across as the “bad guy.” (From the Marriage Partnership article, “In-Law Tug-of-War” by Ingrid Lawrenz)
• “Within every new family, there are so many issues of ‘intentional togetherness,'” says Bryan Brook [Ph.D., an author and Denver-area couples counselor]. None, perhaps, is as highly charged as holiday time. But you probably know that already. What you may not know is why that is so. It turns out that holiday pressures go way beyond shopping. It goes beyond who’s cooking what. An it goes beyond what time to show up. They have to do with exaggerated feelings. “Because we’re supposed to feel more love” during certain times or days of the year, Brook explains, the tension is heightened on holidays. And then, if the love doesn’t magically multiply —more and more on cue— a couple may wonder, “What’s wrong with this picture?” This happens even when there may not be anything wrong at all. (Curtis Pesmen, from the book: Your First Year of Marriage)
• Try to be your spouse’s biggest fan. It’s not uncommon for parents to view an in-law as someone who has taken their “baby” away from them. If they hear about your mate’s every little failure, it’s only natural for them to want to take your side. However, don’t hesitate to turn to parents for help if serious problems arise such as drug, alcohol or physical abuse. (Ingrid Lawrenz)
• Tugs from the in-laws may not seem as intrusive when each knows that he’s “Number One” with the other spouse. The bond grows between husband and wife when each considers the other’s needs and wishes before those of anyone else. Indeed in Genesis the Bible directs, “Therefore shall a man leave the house of his mother and father and cleave unto his wife.” (Genesis 2:24) ” Establishing this “baseline” is perhaps the most important step in heading off in-law conflict. (Leah Shifrin Averick)
• “Limit outside interruptions. In-laws. Friends. Work. They can all get in the way. Sure, they love you. They want their time with you. Let’s be honest, though, some of them also want to control your life. Don’t believe that other people will work to protect your marriage as much as you will. They won’t. The two of you are creating one unit. If we were starting over we would guard our marriage from any undue pressure.” (Ron Edmondson, from his article, The First 7 Years of Marriage: 7 Suggestions)
• Maggie Scarf points out in her book Intimate Partners, that when couples marry, they must set about redefining themselves in line with their new visions of themselves. This must be in line with their different definitions of reality. This, as you might expect, does not happen neatly in the first month of marriage. Especially when you’ve got in-laws mixed into the melange. “Each member of the pair,” Scarf writes, “has… come into the marriage with a different autobiography. The specific family cultures from which they spring have impressed certain ideas and beliefs into their psyches. …The major struggle, in the early phase of marriage, is about what the themes of their new, jointly scripted scenario will be.”
The minor struggles, meanwhile, are the day-to-day dealings about casting aside parts of the past. You are deciding what you call your in-laws: Mom? Dad? Or do you dare to use their first names? The unofficial rule: If you’re comfortable enough to ask them, chances are you’ll be able to call them Mom and Dad. (Curtis Pesmen, from the book: Your First Year of Marriage)
• This is a time when you discover the real influence your family has had on you. If your family was secure, you’re probably going to be secure in this new relationship. If your family was chaotic and unpredictable, you will probably feel a need to create chaotic interactions between you and your spouse. And if your family was harsh, you will discover a growing harshness in this new relationship. But if your family was abusive, you’ll discover a block in your ability to attain true intimacy. This often confuses people because these traits lie dormant in our lives until we say “I do.”
These are the characteristics of intimacy that were emotionally programmed into your life by the people who loved you the most in your childhood. These traits don’t necessarily show up in friendships, ministry, or work relationships. With the commitment to enter a sexual relationship, the door is opened wide for these deep-seated qualities to surface. If these characteristics are healthy, you get a head start in your marriage. You will still need to grow to adjust to them because they are “new” based on a new stage in life. But the adjustment will be gradual and relatively simple. If these traits, however, are unhealthy, your need to grow is intense. These qualities are challenging to the relationship and can be destructive to your future. (Bill and Pam Farrel, Red Hot Monogamy)
• One of the most damaging things many newlyweds bring into the bedroom is their own unrealistic expectations. They’re often based on worldly erotic myths or their own past immorality. Modern people have not understood that successful sex does not come from having the perfect body. It doesn’t come from finding the dynamic sexual athlete who can perform up to our standards. Successful sex involves a successful human love relationship. (We’re using love here in the Christian sense.) We should try to maximize our physical attractiveness. It is not done as an egotistical discipline intended to bring attention to ourselves. We do it as a selfless act of giving for the benefit of our current or future mate.
Our bodies are a stewardship. We should plan to show up on our marriage night with the most pleasant body possible for the sake of our spouse. We should continue to observe self-restraint after marriage. This is also important for the sake of our spouse. We want to give our spouse the most pleasing gift possible when we take him or her into our arms. (Dennis McCallum and Gary DeLashmutt, The Myth of Romance)
Staying Out of Divorce Courts
• One in 12 couples is heading for the divorce courts after 24 months. That’s more than double the figure for seven years. Dr Michael Svarer, who led the study at the University of Aarhus in Denmark, said the risk of a split rose rapidly throughout the first 18 months of a marriage. It then slowed before reaching a peak at two years. (Quote from an article sent by Smart Marriages)
It’s important to:
• TAKE THE WORD DIVORCE out of your vocabulary. Consider the following illustration of what marriage commitment should be. If you were on the 10th floor of an apartment building and you smelled smoke you would naturally look for a fire escape. But if there were no fire escape, the only sensible thing to do would be to put out the fire. When a couple makes a commitment that divorce is never an option, they give themselves no fire escape. The foundations of trust are strengthened. If threat of divorce is used as a tool of manipulation, the relationship is in serious trouble.
During the first few years of marriage, there were a few times in the heat of arguments when either Roxana or I would threaten a divorce. We were smelling smoke and were ready, if necessary, to head down the fire escape. I don’t believe either of us really considered divorce an option. We both hold strong beliefs against it. Yet even the threat of divorce was eroding our trust in each other. Each of us began to be afraid that the other was serious.
We talked about this one day and agreed never to use the threat again. This is our rule regardless of how hurt or angry we are. Our trust is very strong now because we know that we’re committed to putting out the fires. We have no fire escape. We can therefore depend on the fact that we’ll have each other regardless of what happens. (Conrad Smith, from the book, Why Just be Married When You Can Be Best Friends)
• After each receives the mate God has provided, the next step for the husband and wife is to join forces. The Bible’s word for this is cleave. This literally means to stick together like glue in a permanent bond. As the melodrama of God’s presentation of Eve to Adam comes to a close, the scripture says, “For this cause a man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and they will become one flesh.” (Genesis 2:24)
Cleaving is not just about sex, although the beautiful act of sexual intercourse certainly illustrates the physical aspect of becoming “one flesh.” Cleaving is much more. Another good word for it is commitment. It’s a total lifelong decision to stick together physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Without question, it’s a challenge for both spouses to accept all the differences in each other when they marry. But this is God’s plan. In spite of the things in your mate that repel, He wants you to receive and cleave. And the result is a partnership of exponential strength and awesome potential. (Dennis and Barbara Rainey, from the book, Starting Your Marriage Right)
• In at least one aspect, marriage is like football. In a close game, the winning team is usually the one that made the most significant adjustments in strategy along the way. That’s what effective coaches do at halftime. They give their players the key adjustments that will gain them the advantage in the final quarters. A winning marriage requires the same mind-set. A husband and wife need to recognize that surprises requiring proactive adjustments await them in their relationship. (Dennis and Barbara Rainey, from the book, Starting Your Marriage Right)
Two But One
• The first task newlyweds must accomplish is to mold two absolutely different, independent persons into one unit. That won’t come easily. Take two headstrong individuals and forge them into a unit without sacrificing their individuality. What a formidable task! To get through the passage of young love with flying colors, you will have to master this task. Regardless of what the couple thinks (or imagines), their intimacy in the beginning is superficial.
True intimacy grows only as a couple get to know each other better. Persons in a new relationship haven’t had enough chronological time to do that in depth. This is true no matter what the actual age of the persons involved. Teenagers and 70 year olds suffer equally. They feel compelled to walk on eggs, as it were, when dealing with each other. “Will this upset her?” “How will I tell him about this?”
A new couple, regardless of chronological age, has simply not logged enough time in harness to develop deep intimacy. Often a new couple inadvertently strains their fragile intimacy. They do this by loading it with burdens it cannot carry. “This is the intimate relationship that will solve all my other relationship problems from the past. I will finally receive what I need.” Friction with parents, failed prior relationships, perhaps even failed marriage —all melt away in the brilliant heat of this new and encompassing love.
Conflict, however, is inevitable. This happens no matter what the ages or backgrounds. The new couple aren’t far enough into their relationship to know that conflict is nothing more than a normal part of marriage. How the couple deal with that conflict, however, can make or break the union. [Editor’s note: Look in the “Communications” topic of this web site. There you will find tools to help you work through conflicts.] (From the book, Passages of Marriage by Minirth, Newman, and Hemfelt)
• Traditions and holidays might not seem like a big deal when compared with communication, finances, and sex. But how you celebrate events in life can be a place where expectations go unmet. And for many people, holidays can be stressful enough without adding another person’s traditions to the mix. Chances are, your families celebrate differently. (Toben and Joanne Heim, Happily Ever After)
• Couples who wait to talk about finances until there’s a problem set themselves up for conflict. It’s one from which, they may never recover. As much as you may think it’s preventing discomfort early in your marriage, it’s never helpful to abdicate the responsibility for decisions about what to do with “our money.” (From the book, The Most Important Year in a Man’s Life/ The Most Important Year in a Woman’s Life by Wolgemuth and Devries)
• What are the financial problems that most often hit newlyweds? First, I’d say, is debt. It’s a monster that can ruin marriages. Even “honeymoon debt,” student loans or car payments that are brought into the marriage, can add pressure. And conflict can spark from that. Second is understanding what money means to your spouse. For some people, money means control. “I have lots of money. That means I have control.” Some people think money gives them power, freedom and independence. “If I make enough money, I won’t need anyone else. If this marriage doesn’t work, I’ll be fine.” Once spouses understand how they both think about money, they can work through their differences. (Roger Gibson, First Comes Love, Then Comes Money)
• “Protect your budget. … Debt causes huge problems in a marriage. And it’s easier to avoid as you build than after you’ve accumulated it. You don’t have to have everything now. (Let me say that again.) You don’t have to have everything now. It’s not the key to a happy marriage. But eliminating the major distractions is a key to a strong marriage. Money problems are a leading cause of marriage trouble. We would get an agreed upon budget (and that’s key), and discipline ourself to live it.” (Ron Edmondson, from his article, The First 7 Years of Marriage: 7 Suggestions)
• Few issues can eat away at the fabric of a marriage like a husband and a wife who have different unspoken expectations about finances. (Wolgemuth & Devries, from the book, “The Most Important Year in a Man’s Life/ The Most Important Year in a Woman’s Life”)
• “Let not your left hand know what the right is doing” may be good alms-giving policy. But it’s sure not the way to run a marriage. Commit yourselves NOT to make not heavy decisions without consulting one another. Questions of finance, child-raising, lifestyle, major purchases —all pertain to the marriage partners as a unit, not as individuals. The welfare of the marriage itself depends upon harmony in these (and other) areas. You are working as a team now. Teamwork requires that the members keep in step. Each is to know what the other thinks and does.
This is not the surface example sometimes given of the wife getting husband’s approval to buy a new vacuum cleaner. This is the husband seeking the wife’s counsel, as she does his. Two heads are indeed better than one. Sharing decision making benefits the marriage. But the very process of making decisions jointly provides a far more important by-product. It is improved intimacy. As two persons work out complex issues, each learns more about the other. They learn how that person thinks, and what matters to that person. They also learn what that person needs at the deepest level. (From the book: Passages of Marriage by Minirth, Newman, and Hemfelt)