The following are quotes on pornography and cybersex given by various “experts” explaining how it interferes with marriage. We pray they will help to enhance your marital sexual relationship.
Quotes on Pornography and Cybersex:
• Some people have the mistaken notion that God is anti-sex. In fact, He’s outspokenly pro-sex! He invented it. What an incredible thought! Passionate sex was God’s idea. He isn’t embarrassed by it. Song of Songs is an entire book in the Bible dedicated to celebrating pure sex in marriage. Part of the challenge Christians face in a lust-filled world is remembering that neither sex nor sexuality is our enemy. Sex is not the problem. Lust is the problem. It’s the enemy and has hijacked sexuality. We need to keep reminding ourselves that our goal is to rescue our sexuality from lust so we can experience it the way God intended. (Joshua Harris, Sex is Not the Problem)
• Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. (Hebrews 13:4)
• You are sexually pure when no sexual gratification comes from anyone or anything but your wife. (Steve Arterburn)
• Guys, there’s nothing wrong with appreciating another woman’s beauty. But we all know in an instant when we’ve reached that point where we’re no longer simply noticing her but have begun enjoying her and letting our minds become a playground of lustful thoughts. That’s when Fred Stoeker, coauthor of Every Man’s Battle, says we must heed the covenant of Job 31:1. With the same impulsive quickness that makes us pull our hands back from a hot stove, we must discipline ourselves to “bounce” our eyes away from her. Yes, it’s every man’s battle, all right. But it’s a battle we can win. “I have made a covenant with my eyes. How then could I gaze at a virgin?“ (Job 31:1). (Excerpted from Moments With You by Dennis and Barbara Rainey)
Quotes on Pornography
• When you turn to the definition of “unfaithful” Webster states “not faithful: not adhering to vows, allegiance, or duty.” Nowhere does it state that unfaithfulness or infidelity is tied to a physical act. It’s my belief that if you’re using your emotional reserves on someone not your spouse at the expense of your spouse, then it’s infidelity. For those who are calling it another name, I can only respond “a rose by any other name…” (Dena B. Cashatt, MFT)
• Making unwanted sexual advances virtually is called “cyber-flirting,” but in the real world, it is sexual harassment. Being sexually active with multiple partners on the Internet is called “virtual sex'” but in the real world, it’s engaging in high-risk and irresponsible behavior. Sending lewd pictures of your private parts online is called “sexting,” but in the real world, it is a crime called indecent exposure. What happens in the virtual world affects the real world. Don’t buy the lie that you can have dual citizenship in both worlds, breaking the rules in one without consequence in the other. (K Jason Krafsky, in New York Times article, “A Double Standard”)
• Professors Dolf Zillman of Indiana University and Jennings Bryant of the University of Houston have found that repeated exposure to pornography results in a decreased satisfaction with one’s sexual partner, with the partner’s sexuality, with the partner’s sexual curiosity, a decrease in the valuation of faithfulness and a major increase in the importance of sex without attachment.
All of us, men and women alike, are affected by what we let our minds dwell on. If our mental representation of who is having “great sex” stems from romance novels, movies, or soap operas, we’ll by handicapped by a warped view. If we allow our minds to dwell on jokes, magazine surveys, or water-cooler conversations that deal with sex as an impersonal physical experience, we’ll never seek the oneness nor experience the freedom that sexual intimacy was designed to provide. And if we use our brainpower to form a critical picture of our spouses, our marriages, or our mating practices, we are, in fact, violating the sanctity of our God-created oneness. We are robbing our mates and ourselves of the grace of holy sex. (Tim Alan Gardner, “Sacred Sex”)
More Quotes on Pornography and Cybersex
• Men seem to be wired in such a way that pornography hijacks the proper functioning of their brains. It also has a long-lasting effect on their thoughts and lives. Why men rather than women? As [psychologist] William M. Struthers explains, the male and female brains are wired differently. “A man’s brain is a sexual mosaic influenced by hormone levels in the womb and in puberty and molded by his psychological experience.” Over time, exposure to pornography takes a man or boy deeper along “a one-way neurological superhighway where a man’s mental life is over-sexualized and narrowed. This superhighway has countless on-ramps but very few off-ramps.
Pornography is “visually magnetic” to the male brain. …Enough is never enough. “If I take the same dose of a drug over and over and my body begins to tolerate it, I will need to take a higher dose of the drug in order for it to have the same effect that it did with a lower dose the first time,” Struthers reminds us. So, the experience of viewing pornography and acting out on it creates a demand in the brain for more and more, just to achieve the same level of pleasure in the brain.
Struthers explains this with compelling force: Something about pornography pulls and pushes at the male soul. The pull is easy to identify. The naked female form can be hypnotizing. A woman’s willingness to participate in a sexual act or expose her nakedness is alluring to men. The awareness of one’s own sexuality, the longing to know, to experience something as good wells up from deep within. An image begins to pick up steam the longer we look upon it. It gains momentum and can reach a point where it feels like a tractor-trailer rolling downhill with no brakes. (Albert Mohler, from the Crosswalk.com article “Hijacking the Brain — How Pornography Works“)
Additional Quotes on Pornography
• Viewing sexual stimulation re-calibrates your sexual set point. I.e. once your mind forms a picture or has a new sexual experience, this becomes the norm. To get another thrill you need something even more exciting. This is how porn use can destroy your interest and attraction for your mate. Repeated pornography use numbs normal sexual drives and deadens your desire for a real person/partner. In addition, bizarre as it may seem, the more shame you feel about your guilty pleasures—the more you resent your partner! We don’t like people who remind us of our bad behavior. When you violate the lines of your own commitment and values you actually end up looking for faults in your partner to alleviate your guilt. “Well, if he/she were more (fill in the blank) I wouldn’t be doing this.”
And the guiltier you feel the more vulnerable you become to the escape of a sexual high. Millions of people are currently caught in the excitement cycle of porn use or an affair, either online or face to face. And if you think it will stop where it is, research proves you very, very wrong. Relationships which begin in cyberspace eventually meet face to face in some way, shape or form. (Pat Love, from Yourtango.com article, “Is MySpace YourSpace?)
• One of the first things porn does when we engage in it, is it disconnects us from our wives, or any true intimacy for that matter. This happens because of two little words called guilt and shame. The Bible says that to even look at another woman with lust is adultery (Matthew 5:28). I believe this is because the same chemical and psychological processes are at work when we lust as when we actually have sex. One inescapable result of engaging in porn and lust is that a wall is immediately built between our wives and us; whether we feel it, acknowledge it or not. (Stuart Vogelman, from article “Does Porn or a Husband’s Wandering Eyes Hurt a Marriage?“)
• If men are relationally challenged, pornography gives them a touch of sex without all that bothersome conversation. If men desire to control their relationships, that’s easy when the object of their affection is merely an image on a screen. With on-line porn, men can have a new “relationship” every few seconds, if they choose. (This depends on how fast they can download images.) In addition, men’s ability to compartmentalize helps them to wall off this addiction in a secret corner of their otherwise normal lives.
Pornography is candy—sweet, and pleasurable for a moment. But it can make you sick. It can also spoil your appetite. Who would choose broccoli over chocolate? But which is better for you? Truly nourishing relationships are sabotaged when one partner gets enticed by easy access to porn. (Whiteman and Petersen, from book, “Your Marriage and the Internet)
• Pornography is a parasite, because it steals your emotions, your focus, your time, your energy away from your spouse. I mean, it’s really demonic, if you want to get down to it. Pornography is trying to meet a legitimate need in an illegitimate way. When you go down that path, you are not fulfilling each other as God intends for husband and wife and vice-versa, and it starts to degrade your marriage. (Alex Kendrick, co-writer of movie, “Fireproof”)
• Pornography is dangerous because it rewires the brain to believe that what is sexy is anonymous sex, rather than the relationship. It makes sex physical, rather than about emotional intimacy. Soon it loses the ability to cause emotional intimacy, and emotional intimacy loses the ability to cause any sexual feelings. In fact, while he’s making love to you he may even have to fantasize or picture pornography in his mind to become aroused. This will ultimately wreck your sex life. It has been found that men who use internet pornography actually lose their sexual desire for their wives. (Sheila Wray Gregoire, from the article, “Talking About Sex” as posted on Growthtrac.com)
• A man who fills his mind with sexual images and thoughts commonly falls into a trap. Pornography can become a drug that men use to find quick relief from their daily frustrations. The temptation to lust after erotic pictures of models seems easier than taking the time to build a real relationship with a woman. However, when a man looks at pornography, he can form a sexual bond to a woman who is not physically present. As he gazes at her image, he unwittingly tells his heart to seek fulfillment from a woman who does not love him. Initially, the ability to experience pleasure through his fantasies may convince the man that pornography is satisfying. Through this process, though, that man may not realize how the pornography silently destroys his self-esteem.
…Pornography also produces unrealistic expectations about sex in relationships. As a man lusts after pictures of naked models, he wrongly assumes that the best kind of woman is perfectly proportioned and offers constant pleasure. Lust classifies a woman as a sex object who should fulfill a man’s selfish desires, instead of a precious person to be loved sacrificially. (Rob Eagar, from the article, “Fooled by Fantasy” posted on Growthtrac.com)
Even More Quotes on Pornography:
• Pornography grossly distorts a man’s view of the way normal women approach sex and sexuality, turning women into idols who are always sexually ravenous and are perfectly happy engaging in physical sex acts that are completely divorced from any sense of commitment, love, security or relational intimacy. Counselors consistently report that when men indulge such a distorted view of women and their sexuality, they become dissatisfied with their own wives and sex lives, tend to evaluate potential spouses based chiefly on physical attractiveness, or bring impossible expectations for sex into marriage. All of the above lead to sin and heartbreak.
I’d like to suggest that culture attacks women similarly —it is just a bit more subtle. The lies told to women are introduced at the level of women’s emotions (less harmful, right?), in how they dream about men, and in what they long for relationally. Like pornography, chick-flicks take a good gift from God (romance, relational intimacy) that women are created to desire, and distort it by presenting as “normal” an unbiblical and unrealistic picture of men, love and marriage. And just like men who buy into the lies of pornography, women who believe that their husbands and marriages should always be like what they see on the screen will be sinfully dissatisfied with God’s good gift to them of a “normal” husband and marriage. (Beth Spraul from the article “You’ve Got Lies”)
• Consider the genre of sexual sin, pornography. (And, since the advent of Internet porn, we have seen more and more that it is not just a “guy’s problem.” Today, more women than ever are logging on and searching porn sites.) What is wrong with pornography? It’s not just that by using porn, you’re exploiting another person and turning the human in the centerfold into a mere object. If we use pornography, we also wrench sex out of the relational context in which God intended it to take place.
If we use porn, we learn something false: That sex is about immediate gratification. Pornography is destructive because it forms in its clientèle expectations that are simply not connected to reality, to real men and women with real bodies (not to mention real souls, hearts, and minds). (Lauren Winner, from article: “Purity,” appearing on Family.org)
• Who says “Pornography doesn’t hurt anyone?” Porn damages the viewer. Proverbs 6:27 says: “Can a man scoop fire into his lap without his clothes being burned?” The implied answer is “No.” Lusting after people with our eyes and thoughts is equivalent to committing the sin with them (Matthew 5:28). Porn trains us to practice lust and live in a fantasy world of evil thoughts. As a result, we burn with insatiable lust that drives us to seek gratification. The memories resulting from our porn activities can last a lifetime and damage our ability to enjoy sex in our marriage.
Pornography also can lead us down the destructive path of perversion. Porn damages the viewer’s family. For example, your children could be tormented by any evil spirits that are tormenting you, or they may simply get hooked on porn when they stumble across your porn stash of computer files or magazines. Your spouse could be devastated if he/she discovers you’ve been committing “mental adultery” through porn. He/she may have difficulty ever trusting you again when they discover your secret life. It could take years for you to re-learn how to love your spouse and eliminate the stranglehold lust has on you. You may have to relearn how to have sex in a loving way, since you have become tuned for lust through porn. (From the web site at Porn-free.org)
• Male brains release feel good chemicals when they see a female form. Let’s take this a step further and contemplate what is happening in the male brain when he views his wife while making love. According to Dr. Douglas Weiss, in his book Sex, God and Men, “Whatever his eyes focus on when he sexually releases –a person, image or object –will become etched in his brain as a photographic attachment toward that person, image or object. I call it ‘Sex Glue.’”
This is probably why pornography is a gazillion dollar industry. Men view and quite possibly release while viewing sexually stimulating material. Unwittingly, they are training their brains with a reward response for viewing pornography. When what should be happening is that they train their brains to reward release only with their wives. Could this also be a factor in the low-libido man? He’s got a very willing wife down the hall in the bedroom, but it’s too hard to deal with a real person. Not only that, but if a male is consistently viewing pornography and releasing, this becomes the most satisfying way to be sexual because of how he’s trained his brain. The good news is the brain can be rehabilitated!!!” (Bonny Logsdon Burns, from the Pearl’s Oysterbed7.com article, “Illuminated Sex”)
• Your eyes are the windows of your soul. What you repeatedly expose yourself to will influence your imagination, your actions, and finally your character. There are three things you need to know about pornography. (1) It’s addictive. Family counselor Gail Hoone said, “Pornography is more addictive than drugs, and thanks to the First Amendment, it’s getting bigger every day.” (2) It’s selfish. It trains you to see people as playthings to be played with, and all for one purpose —self-gratification. Intimacy, responsibility, and commitment are not even in the picture (or frame). (3) It’s shaming. Unlike the lepers in the Bible, pornography doesn’t ring a bell and cry, “Unclean! Unclean!”
Yet when you fall under its control, you find yourself responding to it in ways that leave you feeling cheapened and unclean. But there’s good news. Every leper who came to Jesus was cleansed; and through His blood you can be cleansed too! Furthermore, you can be empowered by His Spirit to cast down every imagination, and take every thought captive (2 Corinthians 10:5). (From the devotional, Word for You Today)
• As men we must be focused on sexual purity, not allowing any of our sexual energy be wasted on anyone but our wives. After all, the Bible tells us that our sexuality is first of all God’s (Romans 12:1), then our wife’s (1 Corinthians 7:4) and lastly ours. And we must be focused on meeting her needs for intimacy, which are relational. For this is God’s plan (Ecclesiastes 9:9). As we do this, we will find that our sexual desire will redirect to our wives and grow significantly. It may take a month or two but it will happen. Try it. You may be surprised how well this works. (Stuart Vogelman, from article “Does Porn or a Husband’s Wandering Eyes Hurt a Marriage?“)
• It is important to state that not every young man who views pornography will become addicted. Porn can be likened to bacteria. If dropped into and empty Petri dish, the bacteria eventually dry up leaving a small spot on the once clean dish. If however, the bacteria are dropped into a fertile dish filled with elements like poor self-image, abandonment or abuse issues, well then the bacteria flourishes and grows. The longer it is hidden in a dark place the larger it grows and the harder it is to deal with. Guilt and shame keep it in the dark and well fed. This is the reason most men go undiscovered for years. (Meg Wilson, article posted on the web site Hopeafterbetrayal.com)
• What is sex addiction? Sex addiction is a means for people to medicate their feelings or attempt to deal with stress in their life or both. Their sexual behavior becomes the mechanism for coping with stress if their life. They are unable to discontinue the behavior for the most part and the pursuit of their sexual behavior often becomes as important as acting out the behavior. Some people will binge on sexual behavior or fantasy. (From: “Frequently Asked Questions” as posted on Prodigalsonline.com)
• Many who simply stumble upon pornography slowly develop a gradual desire for more, and if not dealt with early on, it can consume the person and change his or her thinking about sexuality and the opposite sex. Everyone that purposely seeks it or even stumbles across pornography accidentally is exposed to a few basic subtle messages about sex. These messages are what many authors and researchers call lies or false messages. These messages include:
• Sex with anyone, under any circumstances, any way it is desired, is beneficial and does not have negative consequences. • Women have one value —to meet the sexual demands of men. • Marriage and children are obstacles to sexual fulfillment. • Everyone is involved in promiscuous sexual activity, infidelity and premarital sex. • Women are less than human. • Women are a ‘sport’. • They are property. • A woman’s value depends on the attractiveness of her body. • Women like rape. These messages are not literally written across pornography, but are communicated through repeated exposure.
Pornography seeps into a person’s life. A good metaphor for this process is smoke filling a room. It starts slowly, filling the room through a crack. Over time, it completely swallows the air. And if there is a big crack, it will fill the room more quickly. The mental images of what is seen will not dissipate. They will remain over time just like smoke damage. Sometimes it takes just one exposure to pornography for it to become an addiction. In other cases, it takes time. The cracks in the room are like the emotional gap in the life of an addict that they are filling with pornography. Pornography is a progressive and deadly problem that is attacking and taking over lives of those in the church and society. (Tim Roberts, from Parsonage.org article: “Understanding Pornography“)
• WHAT ROLE DOES PORNOGRAPHY PLAY IN SEX ADDICTION? Pornography for many sex addicts combined with regular masturbation is the cornerstone for most sex addicts. Many sex addicts have great difficulty getting sober from this combination of behavior. The pornography with fantasy creates an unreal world that the sex addict visits throughout their adolescence and other developmental stages and creates an object relationship that conditions their emotional and sexual self to depend upon these objects and fantasies to meet their emotional and sexual needs hundreds of times before having sex with a real person. (Dr Doug Weiss, from FAQ’s on the Sexaddict.com web site)
• Sexual addiction is simply someone’s using the natural drugs found in his or her brain chemistry to medicate emotional pain. It’s not about sex. Let me say this again, because I know people have a hard time grasping this truth: Sexual addiction is not about sex: it’s about escaping and avoiding pain. Every story I’ve heard begins with how the addiction started when the man was young. On average, the young man’s first sexual exposure occurred when he was between nine and fourteen years of age with the earliest at age five. So most men are deep into the addiction long before any real relationship with the opposite sex begins.
Since boys at these young ages can’t easily buy beer or illegal drugs, many discover a different way to dull their pain or cope. Through sexual arousal, all of their problems seem to disappear. When they look at or read sexually graphic material, endorphins and enkephalins are released in their brains, causing a high. These chemicals give the feeling of euphoria and a false sense of manliness. Addicts in their own minds are kings.
It’s important to understand the basis and nature of this addiction, not as an excuse or justification, but as a point of reference. The facts simply do not support the belief that the wife is at fault; the husband came to her already dependent. Most men assumed it would end once they were married. Their feelings of love for their wives were sincere, so why would they need anything else to satisfy them? The sad truth is that the addiction already had taken control. (Meg Wilson, from the book “Hope After Betrayal”)
• A major reason for infidelity, and a subsequent divorce, is ”people don’t want to give up what they think is the ultimate high, the newness, the excitement phase of marriage,” Vaughan says. (The State of Our Unions – By Rick Hampton and Karen S. Peterson USA TODAY Feb 26, 2004)
• We’ve all heard that the male half of the population thinks about sex a lot. What I didn’t realize was that they aren’t exactly thinking about sex (as in, I wonder if my wife will be in the mood tonight). Rather, they’re picturing it, or picturing a sexual image. And those pictures aren’t necessarily of their wives. They are often images that have been involuntarily burned in their brains just by living in today’s culture—images that can arise without warning.
You might be wondering, What kinds of images? Apparently just about anything: the memory of an intimate time with you (good) or the memory of a Playboy magazine (bad). It could be a recollection of the shapely woman who walked through the parking lot two minutes ago or an online porn site he saw two years ago. These images often arise without warning, even if the guy doesn’t want them. Or specific images can be recalled on purpose. As several men put it, “I have an unending supply of images in my head, stretching back to my teens.” (Shaunti Feldhahn, For Women Only)
• Even happily married, devoted men are instinctively pulled to look at “eye magnet” women, and most men have a mental Rolodex of stored female images that can intrude upon their thoughts without warning. As upsetting as these truths might be to you, remember that temptation is not sin, and your guy is likely trying his best to minimize those involuntary thoughts and win the battle of the mind. The lure doesn’t happen because of you and has nothing to do with his feelings for you; in fact, most men wish they didn’t have it. As woman, we can be supportive of our men’s efforts to keep their thought lives pure, pray for them, champion modesty, and realize God created men to be visual and that His creation is good. (Shaunti Feldhahn, The Discussion Guide For Women Only)
• 37 years of clinical and coaching practice has shown me that gender differences on this issue are not fiction, but based in how people actually feel. My experience working with men (and couples) where the man has been involved with pornography is that the guy’s response is typically “They’re just PICTURES” while his wife is enraged at his “affairs.” And the poor guy just doesn’t get it. I usually end by pointing out that IF he wants a good relationship with his wife again, he has to learn to understand how SHE sees it, since she’s offended by his behavior. This often is greeted by the guy as unfair. To which I reply: “Well, ‘unfair’ or not, that’s the way it works if you want your relationship back.” (George Polley, LICSW)
• If you have lunch with someone you fancy and you don’t tell your partner, that’s an affair. Affairs don’t begin with kisses. They begin with lunch—or something like it. So when you hide the shared meal and the excitement that came with it, you do so for a reason. You don’t want to upset your partner. You want to keep it to yourself. Why? Because maybe some part of your mind is planning ahead and it doesn’t want your partner to know that this lunch gig has started at all because one day, you hope, it won’t just be lunch that you’re hiding. By these standards, my e-mail flirtation was already a full-blown affair. And when I realized that, I stopped it. Most important, I began to think more carefully about sharing intimacies [with anyone other than my spouse]. (From an article titled “The New Infidelity”)
• When you share intimacies with one person, and keep that secret from another, you create distance. It’s inevitable. This kind of emotional mission creep —whether intended or not, is made so much easier by the new technologies of communication. One can lie about lunch with little risk of detection. One can suggest a date with an old friend, and whatever happens, nobody has to know except the two of you—a new two.
The geographic reach of infidelity is now limited only by one’s determination and budget. And if the ex-lover, or new friend, happens to be within driving distance, well then —you can make arrangements from the computer on your desk at work —or on the phone, in the car. And nobody —not your partner, and certainly not your boss —need know about it. The inbox and voice mail —both guarded by those enigmatic, secret passwords —patrol the border between what we say and what we do. (From the article “The New Infidelity – From: Smartmarriages)
• But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving. For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person —such a man is an idolater —has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God. (Ephesians 5:3-5)
• Sexual sin doesn’t just happen. It almost always is the result of a process of nurturing temptation. When people (with whom we feel a sexual chemistry) are placed in our lives our natural inclination is to run from or nurture temptation. Both tacks will likely lead to sexual sin. (Bill Hybels, Tender Love)
• The turning point for most men is when they get caught either by their wives, their bosses, or by the police. You’d think this would be the moment when the truth would come out and the healing process would start. Unfortunately, this is not the case most of the time. Some men get defensive and are in complete denial. They try to shift the blame and are unwilling to admit the fact that they have a problem. Most try to minimize it by saying it’s no big deal, and their behavior isn’t hurting anyone. Other’s come clean —but only partially.
The shame and guilt portion of the Sexual Addiction cycle is so strong, a man believes if he tells everything, the person will “run screaming into the night.” The problem is compounded when the addict offers only a partial disclosure, because there’s a good chance the SA will progress to even greater depravity. This may happen over a short or long period of time —weeks, months, or even years. Over the course of a couple of years, I was given the opportunity to tell [my wife] Meg everything. But out of fear, I partially disclosed. I shared just enough of the SA past to resolve whatever was the current issue. I can pinpoint these two events on a time line, and they correspond to when my SA progressed to new levels. Unfortunately, each time the level was even lower. (Mark Wilson, from the book, “Hope After Betrayal”)
• Left to our own resources, more times than not, we will sin sexually. The pressures are just too great. That’s why a vital relationship with God is critical. Without it, good sex is simply not possible. Only fully devoted, committed, authentic Christians can feel the inner tug of the Holy Spirit, the voice that tells us “Abhor evil, cling to good.” (Bill Hybels, Tender Love)
• God forbids mate swapping, multiple partners, and orgies. “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral” (Hebrews 13:4). Sex is a bond meant for only the two of you. Because it is just for the two, this means all others, even pictures of others (pornography of any kind), are off limits. (Bill and Pam Farrell, Red Hot Monogamy)
• “Oh, don’t be so hard on yourself, one might say. It’s natural for a male to look. That’s part of our nature.” But what you’re doing is stealing. The impure thought life is the life of a thief. You’re stealing images that aren’t yours. When you had premarital sex, you touched someone who didn’t belong to you. When you looked down the blouse of a woman who isn’t your wife, you were stealing something that isn’t yours to take. It’s just like walking down Main Street behind someone who drops a one-hundred-dollar bill out of his pocket, and you pick it up. That money isn’t yours —even if he didn’t know he lost it. If you choose to keep the money instead of saying, “Hey, Mister,” then you’ve taken something you’re not entitled to.
Similarly, if a woman’s blouse falls open, you can’t say, “Hey, that’s in my sight line, I get to have that.” No, you have to look away. Otherwise you’re a thief. You need to leave that valuable creation in the hands of God and her husband or her future husband. (Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker, Every Man’s Battle)
• A new study conducted by a researcher at the University of Florida finds that 83% of spouses who had Internet encounters with the opposite sex didn’t consider it to be cheating. The study’s author, Beatriz Mileham, believes “the Internet will soon become the most common form of infidelity, if it isn’t already.”
Focus on the Family marriage analyst Glenn Stanton tends to agree with her. “When you’ve lived with an individual, you see every part of them. The very deceptive thing about these online affairs is that, like in dating relationships, you’re only seeing the best part of the other person. That is a lie from Satan that really sandbags a lot of marriages,” Stanton says. Stanton urges Christian husbands and wives to steer clear of Internet chat rooms geared specifically for married couples, and to be as intentional about investing and managing their relationships as they might be about their 401-K. (Jim Brown, from the article “Christian Marriage Expert Warns: Beware Internet Infidelity”)
• “You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.” (Matthew 5:27-29).
• “You know the next commandment pretty well, too: ‘Don’t go to bed with another’s spouse.’ But don’t think you’ve preserved your virtue by simply staying out of bed. Your heart can be corrupted by lust even quicker than your body. Those leering looks you think nobody notices —they also corrupt.
“Let’s not pretend this is easier than it really is. If you want to live a morally pure life, here’s what you have to do: You have to blind your right eye the moment you catch it in a lustful leer. You have to choose to live one-eyed or else be dumped on a moral trash pile.” (Matthew 5:27-29, THE MESSAGE).
• When Jesus said to get rid of your hand or your eye, he was speaking figuratively. He didn’t mean literally to go gouge out your eye, because even a blind person can lust. But if that were the only choice, it would be better to go into heaven with one eye or hand than to go to hell with two. We sometimes tolerate sins in our lives that, left unchecked, could eventually destroy us. It is better to experience the pain of removal (getting rid of a bad habit or something we treasure, for instance) than to allow the sin to bring judgment and condemnation. Examine your life for anything that causes you to sin, and take every necessary action to remove it. (Explanation from Life Application Bible, in reference to Matthew 5:29, 30)
• If you want to know if you’re risking infidelity, tell your spouse the whole truth about the other relationship. If you find yourself wanting to “edit” the story, you know yourself that you’re playing with fire, even if you want to say you’re protecting the spouse. I agree that secrecy is a key feature of infidelity, so I’d suggest that either spouse has the right to ask and receive a complete and true answer to any question about anything at any time. (Mark Odell, PhD University of Nevada)
• We have countless churches filled with countless men encumbered by sexual sin, weakened by low-grade fevers —men happy enough to go to Promise Keepers but too sickly to be promise keepers. (Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker, Every Man’s Battle)
• “Today’s workplace is the most fertile breeding ground for affairs. The observed increase in women’s infidelity is because more women are in the workplace and more women are in professions that were previously dominated by men.” (Shirley Glass: Expert on Infidelity, Is Dead – The New York Times)
• “Those who assume that only bad people in bad marriages cheat can blind themselves to their own risk,” said Beth Allen, a researcher at the University of Denver who, with colleagues David Atkins, of the Fuller Theological Seminary in Pasadena, and the late Shirley Glass, a Baltimore family psychologist, recently completed an extensive review of infidelity research.” They’re unprepared for the risky times in their own lives, the dangerous situations when, if they aren’t careful, they’ll suddenly be very tempted,” Allen said. (The Roots of Temptation – Los Angeles Times)
• Everything that God has created as good and as a gift, man has perverted.
• It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him. The Lord will punish men for all such sins, as we have already told you and warned you. For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life. Therefore, he who rejects this instruction does not reject man but God, who gives you his Holy Spirit. (1 Thessalonians 4:3-8)
• If we don’t kill every hint of immorality, we’ll be captured by our tendency as males to draw sexual gratification and chemical highs through our eyes. (Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker, Every Man’s Battle)
• It’s important to understand how God views sex so that it’s not misused. There is right worship and there is wrong worship. Wrong worship brought death to Aaron’s sons when they offered the wrong fire and incense before God. To look at this literally, you can say that sex outside of marriage brings about death to our spirits, as well as to our sense of well-being or esteem. In some cases, it brings death to our bodies through sexually transmitted diseases, abortions, and the fatal attractions that are a result of soul ties from the sexual union. (Michelle McKinney Hammond, The Power of Femininity)
• Safe-guard your marriage. If you take care of how things look, you’ll end up taking care of how things are. (Jerry Jenkins)
• An unaccountable man is an accident waiting to happen. If you don’t have someone asking you after you go on a business trip, “how did you do?” you’re an accident waiting to happen. (Kevin Butcher)
• Make a pact with a friend of the same sex regarding purity and sexual fidelity to your spouse. Agree to share and ask questions regarding the details of relationships with members of the opposite sex apart from your spouse. Memorize a verse to recall in times of challenge. Recommendation: 1 Corinthians 10:13. “No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.” (Alistair Begg, Lasting Love: How to Avoid Marital Failure)
• Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body. (1 Corinthians 6:18-20)
• We can take a lesson on the way affairs happen by looking at King David. He put himself in the way of temptation when: (1) He chose to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. (2) He chose to be unaccountable. (3) He got proud and minimized the power of his flesh. (2 Samuel 5:10 and Deuteronomy 17:17) (4) He minimized the power of the enemy. (5) He stopped nurturing his marriage to Michel. (6) He wasn’t nurturing his own heart. (Kevin Butcher – from the sermon: The Anatomy of an Affair)
• One man said he’s currently involved in several virtual affairs with married women. He said he simply fills “an emotional deficit in women’s marriages.” Their husbands have no idea he exists. Big-name Internet companies don’t care whether it’s cheating or not, because the more people looking for love means more eyeballs for online advertisers. But spouses who discover a loved one engaged in such behavior are nowhere near as ambivalent. If it’s found out, people tend to feel very betrayed —even if the contact is restricted to the computer only. That’s because you’re channeling sexual and emotional energy. You’re flirting and creating a little bit of an emotional bond that people (feel) is reserved for them. (CYBERSEX: Is It Really Cheating? MSNBC.com)
• “Never before has the dating world been so handy for married men and women looking for a fling,” said Beatriz Avila Mileham, who conducted the research for her doctoral dissertation in counselor education at UF. “With cybersex, there’s no longer any need for secret trips to obscure motels. An online liaison may even take place in the same room with one’s spouse.” In the words of one 41-year-old man in the study, “All I have to do is turn on my computer. There, I have thousands of women to choose from. (It) can’t get any easier than that.”
Counseling organizations report chat rooms are the fastest-rising cause of relationship breakdowns, and the problem only stands to get worse as today’s population of Internet users, estimated at 649 million worldwide, continues to grow, Mileham said. “The Internet will soon become the most common form of infidelity, if it isn’t already,” she said. (From: Smartmarriages Subject: Online Dating Irresistible to some married Folks)
• 60% of all Web site visits are to pornographic sites. The tragic reality is that statistics link pornography to an increase of unrealistic expectations, decreased sexual desire, decreased sexual desire, decreased sexual performance, weakened or destroyed marriage relationships, aggression toward women, and violent crime. 70% of all pornographic magazines end up in the hands of minors. It seems to start innocently enough but what happens is that enough is never, ever enough.
Recently one man told us, “The more I got into it, the more I felt that the material had to be stronger, more explicit. I started getting videos. I even called some of those dial-a-porn lines.” Feeding the preoccupation leads to ritualization, then to compulsive sexual behavior, and eventually to a sexual addiction. Patrick Carne’s describes sexual addiction as “the athlete’s foot of the mind.” It never goes away. It always is asking to be scratched, promising relief. (From the magazine, “Marriage Partnership”)
• Pornography is different on the computer networks. You can obtain it in the privacy of your home —without having to walk into a seedy bookstore or movie house. You can download only those things that turn you on, rather than buy an entire magazine or video. Additionally, you can explore different aspects of your sexuality without exposing yourself to communicable diseases or public ridicule. (Philip Elmer-Dewitt, “On A Screen Near You,” Time Magazine)
• Whenever God is knocked out—sin is minimized.
• Pornography and lust really starts with ungratefulness for what God’s given us. We begin to set our hearts on something that is forbidden. We then try to take pleasure and delight in something the Lord never intended for us to have. It sets up dissatisfaction that causes us to put unrealistic expectations on our spouse. Pornography ultimately is also going to lead to anger in the home. It is like James 4 said, “Why is there fighting and wars and quarrels among you? It’s because of the lust that’s within you.” Anger over pornography helps to destroy that marriage. (Stephen Kendrick as quoted in Family Life Today radio interview)
• When we do wrong, we set in motion a cycle of complications. (Dr Charles Swindoll)
• “In cleaning out files on our computer, I’ve found pornography. It’s just my husband and I who use the computer. It has to be his. How should I handle this?” Answer given: “Your suspicions are most likely correct. I would trust your intuition. If you ignore the issue, it won’t go away and will only get worse. Confront your husband now. But before you do, be sure to have a plan. Think through what you are going to say. Even write it down and read it to him if you need to. If you have a counselor, trusted pastor or friend that understands sexual addiction, you may want to go over your confrontation with them. Some women find it helpful to have a counselor with them when they confront their husband.
“When you formulate your plan, consider what you will do if he admits to a problem but refuses to seek recovery. The hardest part of all of this is following through with your plan. If he refuses to enter a recovery program, the worse thing you can do is nothing. Refuse to accept his denial. Admitting that there is a problem is the first step to recovery. Learn everything that you can about the issues of sex addiction and co-addiction. Seek help for yourself even if he doesn’t at this point. Again, it is important for you to have a plan and follow through with it.” (From: “Frequently Asked Questions” as posted on Prodigalsonline.com)
• Some women whose husbands struggle with sexual sin falsely believe that they are to blame. They reason that if they were more accessible to their mates, if they were a better lover, or if they had sex more often, their husbands wouldn’t look elsewhere. The truth is, these reasons have nothing to do with why men involve themselves in sexual immorality.
Men addicted to pornography often have great difficulty experiencing intimacy with anyone —including their mates. This is generally the result of unresolved issues from childhood where God-given needs such as love, significance, and security were not met. Some men learned early on that people are undependable. Therefore, they avoid becoming intimate with a real person. Instead they initiate a relationship of passion with an image that can’t reject or threaten them. In other words, an object or image requires no vulnerability.
Another fallacy that women believe is that they should be able to hold their husbands accountable for this area of their lives. Wives, this is a touchy area. While you may ask your mate how you can pray for him, it is best if a godly man that your husband knows asks him the hard questions and holds him accountable. Overall, this frees you up emotionally so that you can work through your own pain. Pray for your husband and your marriage. Learn to trust in God where your husband has failed you. And then work toward true forgiveness. (Leslie Armstrong, from the Growthtrac.com article, “Pornography: An Assault on Marriage“)
• Betrayed women who have children often debate over how much to tell them about the state of the household—and when. Every situation is unique. Let God lead the way. This means fear and shame no longer get a voice. Honesty is never a mistake. I guarantee your kids know something is wrong no matter what their ages. You might say simply, “Mommy and Daddy are having trouble in their marriage. But we’re committed to working it out. Pray for us.”
Then let their questions dictate any more to be said. The older the child, the more questions he or she will have. If you aren’t sure about the answers, tell that child, “I’m not sure.” You don’t have to have all the answers. Trust God to guide the timing and the telling. Then point your children ever back to their perfect parent —Jesus Christ. (Meg Wilson, from the book “Hope After Betrayal”)
• We aren’t victims of some vast conspiracy to ensnare us sexually. We’ve simply chosen to mix in our own standards of sexual conduct with God’s standard. Since we found God’s standard too difficult, we created a mixture —something new, something comfortable, something mediocre.
What do we mean by “mixture”? Perhaps a good example is the muddled definition of “Sexual Relations” that surfaced in the sex scandal involving President Bill Clinton. After the president stated under oath that he didn’t have sexual relations with Monica Lewinsky, he later explained that he didn’t view oral sex as being in that category. So by that definition, he hadn’t committed adultery. That represents quite a contrast to the standard Christ taught: “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:28). (Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker, “Every Man’s Battle”)
• Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me and know my anxious thoughts; and see if there be any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the ever lasting way (Psalm 139:23-24).
• Truth is the medicine that treats lies. Stay in the arena of truth. Some truth, however, is harder to accept at first. I remember when it dawned on me that, even though my husband was getting help and working on his issues, he could still fall. I saw the men who tried and failed—over and over. These men are forever one poor choice away from slipping right back into their addiction. This truth created a wall of fear that closed in on me whenever my husband traveled. Then God gently showed me that the potential for betrayal is a reality in every relationship and ever person. Even if I divorced my husband and remarried, I’d get another person with baggage. My faith had to be placed in God and no one else. (Meg Wilson, from the book “Hope After Betrayal”)
27 responses to “Quotes on “Pornography and Cybersex””
(USA) I was searching tonight for just this info and am thankful I found it. My fiance–I am 50+ and so is he–is almost through probation for a sexual offense of having pornography on his computer at work. I have lost so much of my Christian testimony through the chatrooms and cybersex. We met aware of our failings and looking to build a new life together believing that God is in the restoring business. I will be following the links here to help me and him as we prepare our lives to marry and serve the LORD together. God don’t make no junk!
(UNITED STATES) Thank you for having this type of information for people who are struggling with this problem. I have been plagued with this because of my husband’s constant struggle to fight this battle and my own fears and heart break has caused our marriage to be completely engulfed by this threat to us. Also my family is involved with this knowledge of him and now even more it has become impossible to move on and heal because of their disbelief that he will ever change. They believe I am only a fool for not just leaving my marriage to find someone better. I have sent this link to my family in hopes of helping them. This has been so hard on me and my family that it just may destroy us without some kind of guidance. Thanks
Melissa, Has your husband tried the Every Man’s Battle Conference with New Life? If he is serious about wanting his freedom from this bondage, he can be free.
(USA) What should a man do when despite his weekly attempts, his wife will only grant him sex like 2x a year? I’ve tried everything from dates, candles, talking about it.. all of it, and it’s been this way for years. I’m looking at porn just to relieve myself flat out because she refuses to have sex but once every six months. What do I do? I don’t wanna cheat, so I just relieve myself.
(UNITED STATES) Obviously nothing concrete can be suggested based on the limited information that can be gleaned from a post like this but some realities can be brought forward. First, you need to read the destructive properities of porn and the changes it creates within the heart and the mind of the viewer. Too long using pron as a substitute for intimate relations with your wife, will result in you having replaced place your wife for the potential for intimacy. I would suggest that you might try this…
1. Apologize to your wife for the years you have turned to porn as a relieving agent.
2. Tell her about all that you have read here, about the pain and problems of porn on the heart and the mind of a man particularly.
3. Tell her how you want that part of your life to only be shared with her and that you are willing to make a commitment to obstaining from the practice while the two of you find out what is holding back your marriage intamicy.
4. Seek some counsel to determine if her aversion to sex is based on a physical, emotional, or a psychological problem. Also, find out what her “expectations” of sex are and how early attempts within your marriage fell short in some ways for her.
This act is called intimacy for a reason… It is that open and connected pleasure that is provided by God for our joint experience. I don’t repsond with these thoughts as a guy with all the answers, but more over a guy with similar histories and hope for your renewed gifts. God Bless.
(USA) If you are in need of freedom from sexual immorality or have loved one that is in bondage to a sexual sin, please visit settingcaptivesfree.com. There is a free, 60 day Bible course in which you will recieve a mentor to help you, as you go through the dailiy study. There is one course called, “The Way of Purity” for those in bondage to sexual sin, and another called, “United Front” for those spouses or loved ones of those in bondage.
Christ is more pleasureable than Porn! In Christ! Beau Runninglight.org
(UNITED STATES) I have been married for 25 years, the reason I fell in love with my husband 28 years ago was his values and fearless about standing up for them no matter what. He never cared what other men did or said he always did what he thought was right. Our marriage had its bumps but I always knew that he reguarded me as the most important person in his life and that we always could count on each other.
In the last 7 years its been one heartbreak after the other because he has completely changed into someone I hardly recognize. He definitely is not the man I fell in love with. He has been looking at porn now for 3 years which started with texting dirty jokes with the guys at work then to our family members. You always think this is a man thing, or at least that’s what you tell yourself then come the nude pictures and before you know it your spouse is visiting websites.
It has completely taken my respect for him and it sickens me because we have 2 daughters the age of some of these girls that are displayed in these videos and pics. This is a man that would not even go to Hooters. He has now, of course. He does a lot of things he used to be against. Whenever I confront him he threatens to leave because, in his own words, nobody tells him what to do.
I have already poured my heart out to him and told him how bad this hurts and he apologized and stopped for about a month and now is right back to it but he thinks I don’t know. I am afraid he is developing a problem with porn, that either he can’t stop or he just will not. The thing is it’s already caused problems but he thinks it’s no big deal and it’s his right to privacy to look at it.
Another problem is he spends more time on this than he does with me. He works nights so he comes home in the mornings mostly every morning and looks at it. Does he spend everyday giving me that same attention? NO, he does not. This is so tough; I love him and want things to be back the way they used to be between us but I don’t know if that will ever happen because he is not the same person and once someone changes that much they usually don’t change back.
Hi Lisa, I’m so sorry you’re going through this terrible problem with your husband. I’m so glad you had many good years with him, but so sad for you that your husband has changed in so many negative ways in more recent years.
I really don’t have any “advice” for you other than to encourage you to read through the articles and info we have posted that could better inform you on this issue. I encourage you also, to contact some of the organizations we link to that help the wives of those who are caught up in this sinister web. It seems that you have done what you could do otherwise, by pouring you “heart out to him” and doing what you can to process this as best as you can. I guess the only other thing I could say is to encourage you to persevere in that which God shows you to do and realize that your husband appears to be caught up in addictive behavior. It usually isn’t a “one time fixes all” kind of thing. Addicts can tell you that in order to break free from that which is possessing them, it’s a battle that is often a very long and involved one. Sometimes they have to “quit” several times and need a lot of help to do so, if they will reach out for it. Some people can overcome this on their own and others just can’t.
Also, I want to clarify something that you said in the last line of your comment because it’s important for us ALL to realize. I’ve heard it said before and frankly, I used to believe it myself (so I sure can’t throw stones) and that is that “once someone changes (in a negative way) that much, they usually don’t change back.” Yes, that can be true in many, many cases, but I’ve seen miracles in some people’s lives where they are able to “change back” to even better than before. We serve a God of miracles and saving redemption. Miracles still do happen (even though the enemy of our faith lies to us and would like us to believe otherwise). And this applies to marriage relationships that go bad. “Just” because things are rocky for a long period of time and the other spouse seems to have changed in a horrible way, it doesn’t mean that things can’t change around to go in a better way. God CAN and sometimes DOES get through to the “stiff necked” person sometimes. And marriages can turn around and be great again… mine did. And to think, we almost gave up, before the improvements began! We would have missed out on so much and Marriage Missions would never have been born.
Please don’t lose hope that God cannot get through somehow to your husband. Yes, he can keep shutting God’s urgings out in his mind and life, but SOME people eventually open their ears, hearts, eyes, and minds and change. I don’t know if this will happen to your husband, but it CAN happen. I pray it does. I also pray that the Lord gives you wisdom and clarity of mind to do what you need to do to bring peace into your home and respectful behavior. I pray the Lord gives you hope for a better future for you and your daughters. May you experience a “peace that passes all understanding” as you lean upon the Lord for help and hope.
(UNITED STATES) Thank you and I know that you are right; all things are possible with God. I am a Christian but my husband is not. I have prayed for him many years and have seen God move in his life only to witness my husband reject and close the door that God was trying to open for him. I ended up raising our 3 children virtually alone as I was forced into the role of spiritual leader of the family, it was difficult. I confess I do feel defeated right now. A lot has happened in my life just in these past 3 years including losing my mother. I am devastated that after all those years of praying for my family that my life has ended up where it is right now. But I know that I am a child of God and He will guide me and renew my strength.
(USA) Greetings… Let me begin my saying I’m sorry for how lengthy my posting is. I just started writing and this is what came out: I see mostly women posting comments on this site but I ran across it and find it very interesting & helpful. I’ve been married for almost 10 years, no kids, and I have a sexual addiction. I began looking at sexually desirable material in middle school and ever since, it’s been a problem I can’t get away from. I am a Christian and so is my wife… I know, being a Christian I should know better! Well, obviously not.
I’ve spoken with close church friends over the years about it and also gone to some counseling, but nothing phases that desire inside me to see a beautiful woman. My wife is stunning and also my best friend. We don’t have the greatest sex life at all, due to my issues. Also, she has never been a very ‘sexual’ person, claiming that it’s not that big of a deal to her. Well, what is someone to do that obviously enjoys the sexual experience and desires it often? She is also not that sexy of a dresser and I barely get to see her in anything revealing, even at home.
I’ve been to strip clubs with friends from work over the years at times and, of course, this does not help any. Shockingly, I used to turn them down when they asked me to go with them because I said, “These are someone’s daughters up there dancing… I just don’t feel right about it.” Well, in fact, I was checking out porn at home at night, which I didn’t want to tell them, but going to a strip club would not be good for me… why add fire to fire? Of course, in the end, I joined them.
In high school, I would justify my addiction my telling myself that, “Hey, what’s the harm in this? It’s not like I’m out, like a lot of people I knew, getting in trouble, having sex with their girlfriends and drinking at parties.” I’m at home, practicing abstinence… or so I thought.
Ironically, when I was this age and up until college, my relationship with God was very strong, which is a credit to my upbringing, and while I had these sexual desires, I always asked forgiveness for what I had to done… let’s call it what is: masturbation. I always remember Paul Simon’s song “Kodachome”, in which he has the lyrics:
‘If you took all the girls I knew
When I was single
And brought them all together for one night
I know they’d never match
my sweet imagination’
This is so true… and it always resonated with me. I used to think when I would hear girls in college talking about going to Victoria’s Secret to buy lingerie for their boyfriends how awesome that was that they cared enough about being sexual and sexy to do this. Of course in my mind, I also thought, “These girls are not that pretty, so unless you look like those hot Victoria’s Secret models, that lingerie won’t look that good!” Of course, this is because, in my mind, I could go home and see what it would look like on the best looking women around… their names just ended in (.jpeg) instead of a real name.
I also went to get a massage once where they asked me if I would like a ‘happy ending’… let me think… yes. So, I got hooked on this occasionally as well, even several times during my marriage. I’ve never had sex with anyone outside my marriage and I don’t want it to ever get that bad, but knowing all of the stuff I’ve seen and experiences, I know the Bible says these are all impure thoughts and adulterous.
After some really close, Godly and wonderful people I knew, were taken abruptly at a very young age, I began to doubt and be angry with God. My thoughts of trying to stay pure at least, changed to, “If you can’t beat them, join them” referring to how difficult it was to feel like I always had to be ‘good’ and not stray from the right path. I became rebellious in my mind and just wanted to be… bad. I wanted to let loose and enjoy things more without having to think twice about because it wasn’t thought of as the right thing to do… of course in the end, I began to feel worse and farther away from God than ever.
Over the years, I’ve spent a ton of time on my knees in prayer, sitting in my truck in prayer and just crying out to God for help. I know he’s real and I know this is not what he wants for me, but I just feel like the little faith and hope I have left is like a candle trying to stay lit in a hurricane. I’ve searched for guidance and wisdom wherever I could find it online, and one serious article, written by a very admired female writer, explained how that by confessing to your spouse, you are merely making yourself feel better. So it’s kind of like a selfish move and in the end, it won’t bring anything but heartache…is she right? I have no idea, but the logic seems accurate to me.
My wife does know I have a problem because I told her about my addiction several years ago after a great sermon at church. Yet, she does not know everything. One of my spiritual counselors explained how confession before God is all that we are called to do. The guilt from our actions is a bi-product of the sin.
Well, I’m tired of the guilt and I want to be the Godly husband and friend that I know I can be. I’m just trying to keep on keeping on, and not give up hope that I can overcome this dependence in my life.
(USA) Brandon, if you truly want to be free from your sinful bondage, know that it will not be because of you “…hope that I can overcome this dependence in my life.” It will ONLY be through the grace of Jesus Christ. It will be moment by moment and day by day. I really recommend that you scroll up and click on BEAU’S comment for setting captives free. I also suggest that you search your heart, speak to your wife concerning your sinful addiction. YOU and your wife will receive a blessing from God, but you have to take the first steps. John 8:34-36
Brandon, I’m sorry I didn’t write sooner. I know the desperation you are feeling; the guilt you are experiencing, and the wondering, “why doesn’t God just take this desire from me? After all, I’ve begged Him to heal me and help me be pure. ” And I wish I had a three-point plan (that was fool-proof) I could give you that would heal you of this demonic obsession. But I don’t.
Like you, I too got hooked when I was in middle school and I spent the better part of the next four decades “trying” to break the addiction. When I became a Christ-follower at the age of 24 I thought, “Cool! God can heal me of this and I won’t have to burn with desire any more.” I didn’t understand why He didn’t take it from me for a lonnnnngggggg time. It wasn’t until I was willing to bring it out in the open and confess it to another man who became my mentor and accountability partner that God was able to begin to deliver me. No, it didn’t happen overnight. But God was faithful and as I surrendered more and more of my life to Him in other areas, He began to reveal to me the things I could do that would make a difference.
I am convinced that without a godly mentor/accountability partner to hold our (men’s) feet to the fire that it is next to impossible to break the addictive cycle of pornography. Studies have shown that it is more addictive than crack cocaine because of what happens in our brains. Just like drugs release endorphins that bring pleasure to us, so does porn. And because most Christian men would never think of taking crack, satan uses porn as the way to get Christian men to become weak and impotent as husbands, fathers and leaders in our churches today. Pornography is the “drug of choice” for Christian men because we think we can “use it” and never be found out. We think this is the “one sin” that God will tolerate because, let’s face it, if God started causing immediate blindness for every man that looked at porn, it would greatly reduce the number of men who would “look at it.”
I can’t explain why or how, but the tool God used to finally get me to be broken and spilled out AND give me practical applications I could use to change my “habits” was the book, “Every Man’s Battle” by Steve Arterbrun and Fred Stoeker. Yet I’ve talked with other guys who thought the book was “good” but not life-changing like it was for me. To me that means God will use whatever tool whenever He knows the time is right in each of our struggles to reveal Himself and what it is we need to do.
Something I have used to help other men be accountable that I’ve mentored over the years is to have them subscribe to a service like, “Safe Eyes” or another that will send an e-mail to me IF they ever visit a web site that has suggestive material. They know if they “stray” they will be found out immediately and that they will have to tell me “why” they were on that particular site. There are also ministries like http://old.settingcaptivesfree.com/home/ that offer an on-line 60 day course for guys like us. They know that because we can hide behind our computers and the Internet to commit sin we can also use our computers and the Internet as a way to defeat the devil.
I can’t tell you how vulnerable and transparent you should be with your wife right now. As I became broken and repentant and had a plan for sustained purity, I told Cindy and I have given her permission to ask me hard questions. But I also know that I can “demonstrate” purity to Cindy but if I don’t do the same things when she’s not watching me, then it is only a sham and I may fool her but I’m not fooling God.
I don’t know if this helps you at all Brandon. But I felt I needed to share a little of my experience and let you know that there is ultimate healing. Here is just one thing I did that began to make a BIG difference. I put the following verse on placards in front of my TV’s and computer screens: “I WILL SET BEFORE MY EYES NO VILE THING.” (Psalm 101:3) Blessings! –Steve Wright, Marriage Missions International
(AUSTRALIA) Brandon.. God is with you and my brothers before me have shared some important truths. Keep going and do not give up. He is faithful to do what He says He can do. Bless ya mate. Cheers.
(SA) I’m trusting God for direction & His leading. Guys, I also discovered that my husband is addicted to porn. I don’t know when it started or how. We’ve had a great sex life & I’ve always tried to be the best I can be for him. It really put me down and distracted the vision I had about our marriage. I still love him, but I feel so betrayed.
I’ve never been the type to withhold sex from him each time we’re fighting, for whatever reason, but at this point I don’t even want him to touch me. I did try to be calm and allowed us to make love after the discovery, but I always felt horrible & dirty, like i’m being used afterwards. Am I really being unfair here?
(AUSTRALIA) You have been hurt and the pain and tenderness of the situation is still apparent. Your heart is good towards your husband in the area of meeting his needs but your heart is in need of some healing and maybe there could be a forgiveness issue …only you truly know. The fact that you are on this blog writing this stuff shows me your heading in the right direction.
Have a look at settingthecaptivefree.com and maybe have your husband do the same and go from there.
Your husband is in the dark while into porn and can’t see properly and that needs some direction, eh. I have been there and am now walking in freedom but have caused a lot of pain along the way. Take your time and allow Him to do what He does best and don’t do things you don’t want to do. Do it because you want to. Love never fails. God bless.
(USA) This whole website is really weak, I am sorry to say. I was a serial cheater and cheated with many, many married women. There are just as many women that cheat as men, especially now with the internet and social networking sites. I have been cheating via the internet for over 20 years. I have met women all over the world through the internet. I have seen women do things on camera over the internet that would make Porn producers cringe. Yet all this site does is speak about men that cheating. That is hilarious. I would bet that more women cheat over the internet and have affairs than men. I can and should write a book on these pitfalls. So please stop man bashing and use both sexes. Especially as a Christain site. According to the Bible, a woman that has an affair deserves death. While a man that rapes only has to pay 50 silver coins.
(USA) I agree with a lot of what you write in your comment. Maybe you SHOULD write a book on these pitfalls. You’re right in thinking that just as many women cheat as men (although I’m not entirely sure because there’s no way of truly knowing — a male or a female could be one who cheats with multiple partners, so it’s difficult to say that it’s entirely even — but either way, sad to say, it’s probably pretty close).
The problem we have is finding educative articles that address the issue of women cheating. We do the best we can and will continue to look for articles to post, though. We’re not trying to “bash” men, we’re just posting articles that might minister to those who are dealing with this horrible issue in their marriage. Whether it is a man or a woman who is being cheated on, it’s our continual hope that somehow they can glean through the material we post, and get at least SOME help. Sorry it seems so lop-sided. It’s not intentional, just difficult to present evenly. We’ll keep trying though. Thanks for your comment.
(AUSTRALIA) Porn has become a universal world wide vehicle to house people’s problems and to bring a false sense of comfort and satisfaction. It is nothing but a deceitful, destructive and dibilitating thing to the man or woman that decicdes to be involved with it.
There is freedom from it having experienced it first hand. There are things deep in our heart that really keeps us going back to the same old rubbish. To be healed of the hurts and to grow into maturity in areas of communication, the way we think about ourselves and how we veiw others is one of the greatest things that will bring you freedom from this horribble addiction.
To those addicted to the stuff and those affected by your relationship with those invovled in it there is hope. Jesus can heal and restore… yes, it can sound like a cliche but it is true. Get the guts to expose your life into the light of some one trusted and that has the right godly character and let it all hang out and watch what God can do.
My life has never been the same… I am free. Don’t hesitate; just do it. God is gentle and tenderhearted and will surround you with people of like nature. You are created for freedom not bondage. God bless.
(UNITED STATES OF AMERICA) Please pray for my husband… I discovered he is watching all kinds of internet porn. Thanks for this website… I’m praying for you too!
By the way, he is a Christian (14 years now) and is a Vietnam Vet, suffers from PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder), started drinking beer again. He is drinking at all times while awake and at home. Last Sunday he drank 24! He is a functional alcoholic and had quit drinking cold ‘turkey’ when he became a Christian.
He is in counseling from the Veterans Administration hospital system and taking Prozac and is weaning off this to start Efflexor.
I have seen lately he is turning to poor decisions, rather than turning to Scripture. He is keeping his woundedness and creating more wounds for himself and I and not getting healed. He was shown porn @ 10 years of age and I suspect was abused sexually. Thanks for listening… this site is just what I needed!
(CANADA) My husband has been a porn addict for years and I have put up with it time and time again. We’ve talked to ministers, gone to counselling of all kinds and finally this week it escalated to where I found out he had signed up for an online affair website to meet up with women in our area.
On his profile it stated he travelled with business and was searching for a relationship outside his wife and stated the dates he would be in a certain city for business. I found out while playing on his blackberry which is connected to his work address and an email came in from this website saying so and wants to meet you. To say it broke my heart does not say enough or describe the extent of my suffering. So back to counselling we go. Hope this one can find the hidden demons inside of him and he can work through his obvious issues so he can stop hurting me over and over again.
(NZ) Please pray for my husband. I know he watches porn secretly; it seems like it wets his sexual appetite. Lately he has been moody, I suspect whether he is seeing someone else or is it because of the porn. He is also very controlling and does not allow me to go out an do what I enjoy doing. I numerously talked to him about giving me my space but it seems he expects me to be at home while he goes and enjoys his friends. I am just about ready to give up. We’ve been married 12 years and have three handsome boys. What should I do?
(INDIA) Hi Liza,
It is difficult to know that someone who you’ve been so intimate with has his attention and affection elsewhere. But, in addition to what has been said above on this site, I would suggest a few of things that you can do:-
– Get up early in the morning (earlier than the rest of your household if you can) and pray for at least an hour. Pray in tongues if you can
– Specifically apply the precious blood of Jesus on your husband, yourself, your family and your possessions. Thank God for the wall that He builds around you all.
– Rebuke every force of darkness and every plan of the enemy against your husband and your family. Pray and thank God for the new and renewed mind of Christ for your husband.
Do remember, as difficult as it could be, to continue to love and submit to your husband. Remember, God is still on the throne and he hasn’t vacated it! :) He loves you and is on your side. God bless you with victory :)
(UNITED STATES) My husband has been caught in the act of watching porn on more than one occasion. He tells me it’s a stress thing. I don’t buy into it. Our sexual relationship has lessened from when we were first together. We have been married only 2 years. I’m very concerned and feel defeated.
(USA) My husband is a sex addict (sa). It was devasting to find out. He had affairs in the past and I forgave him. But this time I found out with his use of porn he became addicted and started visiting a prostitute. He is currently in sa program and had a conversion of faith. But I still do not believe he gave full disclosure. He says he told me everything. We are in Christian counseling. What can I do about the disclosure issue?
My husband of 29 years has recently admitted that he is a sex addict. He has involved himself in pornography, and strip joints, for most of our marriage. The past 2 years he began frequenting massage parlors, and admits to having sex with a prostitute. We started Christian counseling, but I am confused with one of my husband’s answers asked by our counselor. When I was asked by the counselor what my husband could do to help me heal through all of this, I answered “I need him to promise me that he will never go into a strip club or massage parlor again”. My husband said that he cannot make that promise. Why? I don’t understand?
I am wondering how you are doing… 2 yrs later. That answer says he is fearful that he will fall back into his sin. My husband was addicted to women for more than the 30 years that we were together. He tried many ways to stop… But never found the reasons for his behavior until Every Man’s Battle conference. For the first time, he doesn’t fear falling into his addictive behavior again.