Have you ever found yourself in the situation where you’re talking to your spouse, and you realize that he or she isn’t really listening to you? Their eyes may even be looking straight at you, but you know their mind is somewhere else! And what’s “funny” is that sometimes they can even repeat what you said word-for-word and yet you know in your heart that what you said really didn’t register! It’s frustrating!

Sadly though, we’ve been on both sides of those vacuous conversations. When we finally woke up to the fact that this damages our marriage relationship, we put intentionality into NOT falling into that trap. It isn’t always easy; sometimes we can get distracted. But we know, “The first duty of love is to listen” (Paul Tillich). Listening is our way of saying, “I value you so much that what you have to say is more important than anything else!”

Yvonne and Bob Turnbull (from Turnbull Ministries) found themselves in this situation. Here’s what they wrote about it with some great tips to help all of us. Plus, we’ve added a few insights in [brackets]:

Are You Listening?

The other evening Bob was telling me about a situation that had occurred for him that day. As he was talking, I was busy planning in my mind my next day but to let him think I was listening I would periodically give him the obligatory ‘uh-huh.’

After a few minutes an unexpected problem arose for me. He stopped talking and was patiently waiting for my response to a question he had just asked. At this point in our conversation, I had not a clue as to what he had been talking about. I frantically tried to figure out what it was by asking him to expand upon his question. Fortunately, Bob has a good sense of humor and when I said that he responded with, ‘You are busted my beloved wife for not really listening.’ I was caught red handed.

We started to talk about what had just happened and we both admitted we were starting to fall into the habit of not listening to one another. We knew it by all the misunderstandings we had been recently having as well as the often-used comment to one another, ‘You never told me about…’.

Boy did we need a listening intervention! Starting with what it says in the Bible in James 1:19, ‘Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry’ and then adding some practical tips — we had a winning combination.

Six Listening Tips

1. Remove distractions. What prevents you from giving your full attention to the person speaking? Could it be the TV, computer, I-pad, cell phone or something else? Turn away from them or turn them off. [This speaks volumes to them as far what is most important. Is it those activities and distractions or the person speaking? You make your choice clear to them through the intentionality of your actions.]

2. Maintain eye contact. Look at the person who is speaking. It does two things. First it gives them a very strong nonverbal message that lets them know they are important, and you care about what they have to say. Secondly, it allows you to get the full message because communication is more than just hearing words. It is also observing their body language. Rolling of the eyes, arms crossed, tapping of the foot all give a fuller meaning to what is being said.

[“Stop what you’re doing and look in their eyes. Don’t allow distractions to intercept this bid of attention your spouse is throwing your way. Of course, there are times when what you’re doing is important. In those moments I encourage you to stop, look your spouse in the eyes and ask them if they could wait until you’re finished. Then, pursue them afterward. Our eyes are easily distracted, so fixing them on our spouse when they’re communicating to us will keep distractions to a minimum.” (Debi Walter)]

Also:

3. Tune In. Direct your mind to what is being spoken so you will know how to respond correctly. A technique Yvonne uses is to take mental notes of what is being said, just as if she were physically writing it down. This helps her stay tuned in rather than rehearsing what she is going to say next.

[Please note, though: “There’s going to come a time that your spouse is going to begin telling you something that you’re not particularly interested in hearing. Even if you don’t think what your mate is saying is that important, you should still listen intently because he or she is important. Give your mate your attention, and you’ll find that the trust, intimacy, and conversation between the two of you will begin increasing.” (Kevin B. Bullard)]

4. Respond to what is being said. The best way to look at responding is to think of it as a game of catch. The speaker throws the ball to you by saying something, you catch the ball and then throw it back to them by responding with a question or at least a nod, grunt, or uh-huh which is signaling to them to keep talking.

If you do not respond they will either repeat what they just said as they do not think you heard them or else, they will stop talking, thinking you do not care what they have to say.

In Addition, Though, While You’re Listening:

5. Ask questions. Use the questions to draw the person out more. Avoid questions that begin with ‘why’ as they could feel attacked and get defensive. Instead ask questions that begin with what, who, when, where, and how. [It’s a good communication habit to get into and apply regularly]. Also use questions to clarify a point. ‘Are you saying…?’ or ‘What did you mean when you said…?’

6. Make time to listen. With busy schedules we often do not make the opportunities to have conversations where we can practice our listening skills. Some good ways we could make time is have a daily chat time, have a meal together, work on a chore or project together, go for a walk. [These allow for great side-by-side conversations.] And when you have these times, make sure you are rested so you will want to engage in conversation.

[And here’s a bonus: 7. Don’t be a fool! Listening to what your spouse says is important to him or her and it should be a priority to you. We’re told in the Bible, “A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own opinions.” (Proverbs 18:2) “Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue.” (Proverbs 17:28)]

Keep in mind the way we listen to others can convey the love of Christ in a very practical way. Put into practice these listening tips and see what it will do for your relationships—especially your marriage relationship.Good advice, huh!

… Thank you Bob and Yvonne for giving us such insightful advice. We appreciate it!

In Closing

Here are three additional insights on this matter that we hope you will also note:

First: “David Augsburger notes that ‘to listen is the queen of compliments; to ignore the chief of insults…. Love is a warm listener.’ But listening isn’t merely hearing the words. It is hearing the person. I’m good at doing two things at a time—reading and watching television, talking with Elizabeth and reading the paper. And when she asks, “Did you hear what I said?” I can usually repeat it word for word. The problem is that she doesn’t feel listened to because I haven’t properly given her my attention. ‘The first act of love is to listen,’ a wise person once said.” (Gary Inrig)

Secondly, remember: “Listening is done with more than the ears. Good listening also involves leaning in toward your spouse. It can involve well placed acknowledgments (‘yes,’ ‘uh-huh,’ ‘sure’) and even touch. Make time for them a priority. Show honor by giving your spouse the time of day. Preferably not when you’re completely tired. A good part of your day. Perhaps lunch. Without mobile devices. Without kids. Without distractions.” (Stu Gray)

And this is especially important: if your spouse is hurting in some way, make them a top priority and listen to what they are saying and even what they aren’t saying. God will give you insight on that one if you ask Him to do so. Here’s something the Gottman Institute encourages couples to do: “adopt the motto that, ‘If you’re hurting, the world stops, and I listen. I’m with you.’”

We pray this is your priority too!

Cindy and Steve Wright

— ADDITIONALLY —

To help you grow further, we give a lot of personal stories, humor, and more practical tips in our book, 7 ESSENTIALS to Grow Your Marriage. We hope you will pick up a copy for yourself. (It’s available both electronically and in print form.) Plus, it can make a great gift for someone else. It gives you the opportunity to help them grow their marriage. And who doesn’t need that? Just click on the linked title or the picture below:

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