Have you ever noticed how the adulterous woman in the book of Proverbs seduces the unwitting young man? It’s not with sex (okay, it’s not just with sex); it’s with flattery. “She threw her arms around him. And with a brazen look she said, ‘I’ve offered my sacrifices and just finished my vows. It’s you I was looking for!’ …With her flattery she enticed him. He followed her at once” (from Proverbs 7).
Flattery is simply a seductive counterfeit for affirmation. As one marriage counselor told me, “Affirmation is everything. When a man is affirmed, he can conquer the world. When he’s not, he is sapped of his confidence and even his feeling of manhood. And believe me, he will, consciously or unconsciously, seek out places where he receives affirmation.”
Home is the most important place for a man to be affirmed. If a man knows that his wife believes in him, he is empowered to do better in every area of his life. Men tend to think of life as a competition and a battle. They can energetically fight it out if they can come home to someone who supports them unconditionally. They need someone who will wipe their brow and tell them they can do it. As one of our close friends told me, “It’s all about whether my wife thinks I can do it. A husband can slay dragons, climb mountains, and win great victories if he believes his wife believes that he can.”
Don’t tear him down!
If instead of affirming, a wife reinforces her husband’s feelings of inadequacy, it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. For example, if we focus on our attention on what he is doing wrong in the relationship, we can unwittingly undermine what we most want—for him to do it right.
But I discovered a dismaying fact. Of the men I surveyed, only one man in four felt actively appreciated by his family. And 44 percent of men actually felt unappreciated at home. More pointedly, men in their prime years of responsibility for home, children, and work —men between their ages of thirty-six and fifty-five —felt even less appreciated.
I’ll bet the wives or girlfriends of these men would be surprised to learn that they didn’t feel appreciated. My guess is that most of us do appreciate our men but don’t show it enough.
He’ll seek affirmation somewhere
If a man isn’t convinced that his woman thinks he’s the greatest, he will tend to seek affirmation elsewhere. He may spend more hours at work, where he feels alive and on top of his game. Or he may spend too much time talking to the admiring female associate. He may immerse himself in watching or playing sports, feeling the thrill of the competitive rush. Or he may retreat to his workshop or his home office. He may feel like he can control things there even if he feels inadequate and clumsy elsewhere.
“Why else do you think,” one man asked me, “so many men take sports so seriously? It’s something they feel good at, something they’ve practiced. They are admired and encouraged by other men on the field. People say ‘good hit?’ or ‘good shot!’ or show by tightening their defense that they know you’re about to smoke them. There’s nothing like that feeling. But I feel that same way at home when my wife applauds me for bringing in a big business deal. I also feel this when she brags to her friends about what a good father I am. It’s that same feeling.”
Need Affirmation
During my clinical research for The Lights of Tenth Street, several experts told me that a chronic lack of affirmation is one reason so many men slip into pornography addiction. For whatever reason, they feel like less than a man, so they seek —and find! —affirmation in pornography. As one man pointed out, “All those women in the men’s magazines convey one message: ‘I want you, and you are the most desirable man in the world.’ My wife may be nagging me at home, the kids may be disobedient, and I may be worried about messing up at work, but look at the woman in that picture makes me feel like a man.”
If affirmation is indeed everything, why should a man have to look for it in other places when he has a wife who loves and respects him? There’s nothing wrong with work, sports, or hobbies —it’s wonderful for him to feel alive and encouraged in those pursuits —but they shouldn’t have to be a retreat from an un-affirming home life.
Create a safety zone
Obviously, if many of our men spend their workdays feeling like they are always being watched and judged, it is no wonder that they want to come home to a totally accepting environment, where they can safely let their guard down. Men need a place where they can make their mistakes in peace and not constantly worry that they are one misstep away from being exposed.
If we don’t realize this and are perhaps too attentive to their mistakes at home, we risk creating a situation that is the opposite of what we want. Most of us want our men to be able to relax and truly open up to us. But in many ways, it is up to us to create the intimate, safe environment that makes that possible.
We may think that the adage, “his home must be his haven” is antiquated and unnecessary these days, but that is far from the truth. In fact, as the workplace has gotten harsher and less loyal, more demanding and less tolerant of mistakes, I’d say it’s even more important that a man’s home be a haven. Most of the men I talked with crave a retreat from the daily pressure of always having to perform.
The gift of confidence
I heard from many men, “Men put a lot of pressure on themselves.” On the survey, one husband pleaded, “I want my wife to know and understand my weaknesses, failings, short-comings, and still want me. I need her to be my number one source of encouragement to become the man God created me to be.”
We might think we wouldn’t have the ability to change our man’s feelings of workplace inadequacy. We would be wrong. By staunchly supporting our men, showing that we believe in them, and providing an emotionally safe environment to come home to, we can help give them at least the emotional confidence they need to dive back into the daily workplace fray.
In his autobiography, Jack: Straight from the Gut, Jack Welch, the famous chairman and CEO of General Electric, provides an insight for businessmen that is important for every wife —and mother —to hear.
Speaking about his mother, he wrote:
Perhaps the greatest single gift she gave me was self-confidence. It’s what I’ve looked for and tried to build in every executive who has every worked with me. Confidence gives you courage and extends your reach. It lets you take greater risks and achieve far more than you ever thought possible. Building self-confidence in others is a huge part of leadership. It comes from providing opportunities and challenges for people to do things they never imagined they could do —rewarding them after each success in every way possible.
A wife can give her husband that confidence (just as, hopefully, a husband can for his wife). It’s not about being the supportive “little woman.” It’s about realizing that despite their veneer of confidence, our husbands really do “carry their treasures in fragile containers.” They crave our affirmation for how they did on that play. Also, it’s about sending the man we love into the world every day —alive with the belief that he can slay dragons.
This article comes from the book For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men
— ALSO —
There is also available: For Women Only Discussion Guide: A Companion to the Bestseller about the Inner Lives of Men. This book is written by Shaunti Feldhahn along with Lisa Rice, and is published by Multnomah. It’s designed to be used in small groups. It can even be used for having a one-on-one dialogue with the man of your life. Many women may wonder, “So what do I do with the information I’ve just been given?” This discussion guide is designed to answer that question. It contains personal stories, questions, and situational case studies to equip you in your own life.
Filed under: For Married Women
(SINGAPORE) Thank you for all the wonderful comments. Is female empowerment killing romance?
Unfortunately, sexual attraction in the modern world still feeds on 20th-century stereotypes. As more women overtake men in education and the labor market, they are also turning traditional gender roles around, with some profound consequences for relationship dynamics. Instead of feeling insecure, men should strive harder to provide more for the family. Only then will respect and affirmation come naturally from the wife.
Many women, like Soulsearching have given their husbands a healthy dose of appreciation, encouragement and support but their kind acts are not appreciated and sometimes taken for granted. Self-esteem comes from within and women have an important role in providing a safe environment for their husbands to open up and feel confident in their role to provide for the family.
However, there is certainly a threshold in the level of affirmation a woman can provide naturally for her husband before she begins to feel overwhelmed, unprotected and unappreciated herself, especially when she is carrying a lot of family responsibilities on her shoulders and this goes unnoticed, such as in Soulsearching’s case.
Women are also biologically more emotional, hence the inattention is felt even more intensely, although some men are unaware of this. Therefore, I strongly believe that in this era, both men and women need to give affirmations to each other and provide the much needed safety zone to support each other. Men should rise to the challenge and become mentally stronger, yet gentle and considerate in handling the emotions of women and providing constant affection, affirmation and appreciation of each woman’s special place in the man’s heart.
(ZAR) I’m so surprised most articles only talk about men needing affirmation, as if women don’t need it. You can’t honestly be saying we should accept all the things our husbands do and pretend all is well just for the sake of affirming him.
If you really, truly live by just affirming him even when you think He can do better in those departments then it is wrong, very wrong. You have to correct him when he makes mistakes and can’t just agree to everything. You know, even the greatest motivators themselves need motivation, so it should be a two way stream.
(USA) Miss, You’re right. Women need affirmation too; we can’t overlook that. And yes, we need to be honest about things that our husbands are doing, which need changing in some way. But we have to be wise in doing so (just as a man needs to be wise in handling this type of situation with his wife). Being brutal, being an over-powering loud-mouth about it, or acting like a “mother” to a husband (even if he’s acting like a child), or being a nag who just keeps going and going and going and going, is all counter-productive. It’s not godly… not wise. It won’t inspire the end result that the wife desires. You have to know when and how to do it and be respectful in the process (again, this pertains to men, as well as to women).
I hope this clears up some things. We can’t put disclaimers on every article that is written telling those who read them that we know there are exceptions and we know this or that and acknowledge this or that — because if we did, the disclaimers could end up being longer than the articles and we’d STILL leave out something someone could object to. We just don’t have the time, energy, space, ability, or magical power to customize every article to fit what everyone wants or needs. We just hope people will use their ability to glean what is relevant to them, as God shows them, and that they throw out what isn’t and realize everything that’s written on this web site (or anywhere else, for that matter) is not a “one size fits all” type of thing. We can’t be or do it all. Again, I hope that helps.
(USA) I am still learning this balance of affirming my husband while not stepping on myself. I believe both husband and wife need to work together to create a safe environment for their marriage. I think it gets misunderstood that women need to create a safe haven for their husband and forget their own needs. I believe that is a trap women fall into. I think it’s better to tell your self to create a safe haven for the MARRIAGE.
I also know that encouraging and affirming your husband is very important. When your husband knows you admire him he is willing to listen to things he needs to improve. I’m having a hard time with this and need some advice because my heart is hurting. I have been withholding affirmation from him because the things he does demean me as a women. I don’t know what to do because I feel if I give him affirmation he will think I’m ok with what he does. He has already used that as an excuse for what he does. He also tells me that it’s a guy thing and sees no reason why I feel devalued. My heart aches. I want to love in and affirm him as a Christian wife but my heart hurts so much. I cry so much about it. I feel alone because all of his friends support him. I have asked him to stop and he says he will try however he can’t guarantee it won’t happen. He doesn’t see anything wrong in it and so I’m not convinced that it will ever change. How do I go on and love him and NOT feel devalued? How do you love a man who enjoys other women’s bodies?
(UNITED STATES) Love, I really hear the pain in your words. My suggestion is that you need to set boundries, you must decide what you are willing to tolerate. You have to respect yourself first because anyone who respects herself would never allow herself to be in this kind of situation, unless she really had no other options. This is not love and is not worth the humiliation. It seems to me that you, like a few other women here, are not being appreciated. He does not value what you as a woman provide to the marriage and in fact, he may never value it. You can’t talk him out of his beliefs or set out to change him, you can only decide what is best for you.
Do know that there are many thoughtful men out there who treat women better than this. The only way he might appreciate you is when you are not there anymore.
I see this is a common pattern in men. They have to know what life would be like without out you before they can feel confident with you. I also recommend subscribing to a relationship coach named Rori Raye. She has a program called “Toxic men” and provides methods to handle them.
(USA) This is all so true, I am living through this hell. There is no hope. However, if your wife chooses to ignore everything and give you a little taste on a good Saturday morning…Miss that opportunity and you are out for another week or longer if there are reasons you can’t meet her arbitrary sex appointmant!
Married over 35 years and sex used to be fun but I just worry about not being allowed to touch. talk or joke around about sex. I’m on the edge, feel like I am loosing my mind.
(USA) I’m in my 50’s. Sex life is null. Getting to the point, I no longer care to even try simply because it won’t matter. Sex has been hit and miss with her for 20+ years. She used to laugh about it to her family about how infrequently we would have it.
Once she went to the doctor to get on meds to hopefully motivate our sex life. She never took them. How does once or twice a year sound for the past 10 years? We’re on 10 months now. I’ve never cheated on her no matter how tempting it has been. Honestly, she makes me feel worthless as a man. I fight depression constantly and I’m getting tired of it. It’s so bad anymore that I’m considering a plan for divorce.
(USA) I might be a couple months late but talk to your wife about the situation, make a move and go to God. I hope you well. Be blessed.
(CANADA) This has certainly been informative. However I would like to point out that this topic of affirmation is centered towards men as though women don’t need to be affirmed. I recently left a 3 year relationship where I did everything to make this man feel good about himself, but it was never appreciated. Nothing I said was ever good enough. I would always hear statements such as “You never say the right thing”, You know you cannot put a price on a girl who knows what to say when you need to hear it the most, and you never say the right thing”,”. There was never any appreciation…..I never once heard a simple “thank you”. Or “I appreciate you doing this.”
Women are human beings with emotions and also need affirmation from time to time. They can also seek it elsewhere, when its missing at home. It seems women are meant to only boost a man’s ego (and mind you, there are men who just have insecurities that they need to deal with, and instead of focusing on what is really going on with them, they choose to take it out on you). I strongly believe it should go both ways
(USA) Samantha. Yes, Women need affirmation too. You probably did provide your man with affirmation and it was not reciprocated back to you to meet your needs as a woman. Unfortunately, the article was intended to be centered around a man’s affirmation. I hope things are better for you now.
(UNITED STATES) Christianity and Feminism got together and said “you hold him down, and I’ll rob him.” When sanctimonious articles like this insist on portraying women as knowing what’s best for men, and that men are actually weak, men opt out of marriage more and more.
This article is a backhanded compliment to men who are fooled into thinking they need female “affirmation” to live their lives and be great.
(USA) Eric, As a woman and wife I felt this article was anything but a backhanded compliment towards men. It was a good article for women to read, as many men cannot or do not know the right way to explain or make a woman realize. I have asked my husband many questions about how “respect” over “love” makes him feel and over and over I get the response that he loves to hear from me that I believe in him and trust and respect his decisions for our marriage and future family.
No where in this article did it say a woman reaffirming a man is what makes a man great or validate them as a person, only God can do that. It just helps give women helpful insight on how men think and how they were created in the image of God. Men were made to be warriors, willing to lay their life down for their wife and family, but that would be harder to do if you felt your wife didn’t believe in you or disrespected you. You no longer feel like the warrior you were created to be. No one feels good when they are constantly bashed and beaten down, not even a woman.
Women were created to be nurturers for the family, they have a motherly instinct instilled in them and while I do not believe we should mother our husbands I do believe we see things in a completely different light and we do have something to bring to the table as far as helping our husbands along. We are equal not one above the other, but we are to submit to our husbands out of reverance for Christ and in this society and culture this can be a very hard thing to learn to do as this is now an “equality, womens power,etc” kind of world now.
We (women) tend to think that if our men are doing something we do not like we lash out, yell, criticize and break them down thinking that they will snap out of it when really we are pushing them away. I guess it is the sinner in us. We’re crying out for closeness and love at that point only to get the opposite effect from our husbands. Emerson Eggerich wrote a book called, Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs
, and it completely lays out how a man was built and a woman and how they react with or without Love/respect. My husband attended a Christian Men’s Bootcamp in Novemeber and they talked about this same exact thing.
At the end of the day though Eric, I honestly don’t think it would bother you if you went home and your wife threw her arms around you and affirmed you by saying, “You are the most amazing, God fearing and wonderful husband! I respect and love you more than any man in my life and you are such a hard worker! I am proud of you and believe in you!” This article was to bring some light and attention to the fact that this is an issue. If anything a woman could twist this into, “Are you saying if I dont reaffirm my husband he can cheat and it is ok?” But we don’t need to go there. We need to do our part! God Bless, Megan
(MALAYSIA) Thanks for sharing. I can’t agree more to this article. I never did any of the “not-to-do things” in the list to my husband. I did that to my ex and I was dumped in a very cruel way. I learnt a hard lesson. I figured out that the better you treat a man, the more he would want to please you and the more he will pamper you.
(U.S.A.) Dear Brenda, I hate to say this but your husband sounds like he is CONTROLLING and ABUSIVE! It DOES matter that he is audio or video taping you!!! That is a HUGE RED FLAG! It sounds like you are working hard to be a good mother, wife, student, and homemaker but you just cannot get it right. Ask yourself who gave you the idea that you are failing, and the answer is probably him.
Initially, abusive men insidiously gain POWER & CONTROL over you by being critical and making you feel like you are not doing anything right. Do you find yourself defending or explaining yourself to him? That is him gaining power over you. You are working so hard and he should be helping you, but instead he is beating you down emotionally –Emotional Abuse. Has he ever punched holes in walls, thrown anything at you, pushed you, put his hand on your throat, done anything physical to your child? Examples of Physical Abuse. Was his father abusive to his mother?
It took me years of living with an abuser to fully recognize it. My advice to you is to first empower yourself with knowledge and make a Safety plan. A book called The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to recognize it and how to respond
by Patricia Evans will help you recognize if you are in an abusive relationship. Don’t let him see it for your own protection.
I wonder if he was too good to be true when you started dating but then after your wedding or child he seemed to change. Does he check your milage, text messages, e-mails etc? Be aware that you do not have to have black eyes, broken bones, and bruises to suffer from domestic abuse. It is awful and confusing when you are in an abusive relationship and it is difficult for people without knowledge and/ or experience to understand your situation. May God bless and guide you.
This site may help & you can always call this Emergency number with questions and you do not have to give your name. 1(800)799-SAFE http://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/am-i-being-abused-2/
Am I Being Abused? How is your relationship?
Does your partner:
Embarrass you with put-downs?
Look at you or act in ways that scare you?
Control what you do, who you see or talk to or where you go?
Stop you from seeing your friends or family members?
Take your money or Social Security check, make you ask for money or refuse to give you money?
Make all of the decisions?
Tell you that you’re a bad parent or threaten to take away or hurt your children?
Prevent you from working or attending school?
Act like the abuse is no big deal, it’s your fault, or even deny doing it?
Destroy your property or threaten to kill your pets?
Intimidate you with guns, knives or other weapons?
Shove you, slap you, choke you, or hit you?
Force you to try and drop charges?
Threaten to commit suicide?
Threaten to kill you?
If you answered ‘yes’ to even one of these questions, you may be in an abusive relationship.
For support and more information please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or at TTY 1-800-787-3224.
P.S. He probably will not change. Most abusers statistically get worse, but if you go to a marriage counselor, investigate with local battered women’s group and find one that fully understands or specializes in domestic violence. Also, KEEP RECORDS. You may need a paper trail one day.
(PHILIPPINES) I am so blessed to see this site! I’ve just read few because my time is just so limited… but it really helps me. I am a newly married woman. I cheated before we got married and the feeling of being guilty all the time makes me sick! Though I know in my heart that I already repented many times and I do promise to myself that it won’t happen ever again. I love him so much and everyday I’m so grateful that God gives me him, and I know for sure that he loves me 3 times more than I loved him because even he knew about it before we got married and he still continued the wedding.
As I’ve read this I realized something… I have to affirmed him too, like I should let him feel that he is not alone, things like “BRAVO honey! Your salary is increasing! I should tell him he is very great in bed, he always makes me happy. It is not about covering the guilt that I felt but it is more that I will let him feel that I am contented and perfectly happy with him, and there is no way I’ll cheat again.
(USA) The women on this site that do not believe this stuff are doomed. I was once trapped in a marriage where nothing was ever good enough. The house was never clean enough, the yard never neat enough, whatever. And she was always so stressed out, always had so much to do. Couldn’t handle it. Meanwhile I juggle dealing with my biz, my family, my sick dying mother, paying the mortagage, dealing with banks, employees etc. I was the one with all the stress, but when I could get off early from work I would come home and clean the house, mow the yard, and fix us a wonderful dinner. Her entire income went to her lifestyle hobbies, while mine went to paying the mortagage and paying all the bills.
She payed no bills, none, which was fine by me, but show some appreciation. Fix me a nice meal some time, don’t say, I am not a very good cook. Clean the house, make it comfortable for us, don’t run around all weekend on stupid trips. Dress nice once in a while, look good for your husband. Offer yourself to him in bed, or any other time the chance arises.
(INDIA) My husband was in an emotional affair with a woman 10 yrs younger who once worked for us. It has been a month since I came to know about the entire thing. I’m shattered and devistated, still it has not gotten under my skin. We both always had a very nice relationship, we’re best friends. He says I mean the world to him and now has nothing to do with the other girl, but on asking why did he continue with her for 2 yrs he says she talked to me very sweetly and respectfully…that made him feel good, so what was the harm I’ve to ask someone out there. I’m a completely devoted wife, struggled hard with him in our low times. I take care of everything right from house work, to job, to kids, to finances, to social obligations…everything. I gave him enough space and freedom to concentrate on his work. He is a successful man, very busy and doesn’t have time on weekdays. I tell him I do so much and you’re never there for us…I did not appreciate him so often…are all my efforts a waste, is affirmation so important that one can live a parallel relation?
(USA) I’d love for my wife to see this article. But if I send it to her, I am sure she would only be offended, and also that she might say “who is there to reassure ME?” …although I have tried and tried to do that. Anyway, that’s my thought.
(SINGAPORE) I want to know more. Just when I thought that our turbulence in marriage is getting over… an explosion happens over and over again. We are seeking counseling. My husband revealed that he has not been happy in the past few years in our marriage as he feels suffocated and has not been able to go and do what he did when he was young. I’m slowly trying my best to liberate him and myself.
(USA) This article was based on husbands, yet so many immediately say “what about me?” This article was addressing a husbands needs- Not wives needs, but so many need to turn this around, which is exactly the problem to start with. If you were to look further you would see there is equal articles for husbands and wives needs. Instead of being a “what about my needs?” wife or husband, print both articles leave them on the sports page, coffee table etc. and do your part…