Many spouses in unequally yoked marriage relationships mistakenly believe that their marriage can never be successful or satisfying. They think that because they disagree on the level of religious commitment, they will be unable to agree on anything else. However, that is a defeatist attitude.
Spirituality is an important part of marriage, but there are many other things that go into making up a vital marriage relationship. Remembering the full circle of marriage is a real challenge; it does not happen by accident.
Unequally Yoked Marriage
When I first got saved, Christ, the Bible, the church, and spiritual aspects of life were the only things I thought about. I just became this big spiritual person to the point that I forgot about the rest of my marriage. I kept thinking, “My husband and I really don’t have anything in common. It comes down to the fact that I love the Lord, and he loves the world.”
When he talked about going out and doing something recreational, I didn’t want to go with him. I couldn’t imagine him going anyplace that I would want to go. All of the people that we used to call friends were unsaved, so I didn’t want to be around them anymore. Why would a spouse want to change if the only examples of spirituality were from a wife who was no longer fun to be with?
In addition to the spiritual dimension of marriage, there are also parental, financial, relational, psychological, volitional (which is your will), emotional, physical, recreational, and vocational aspects of the marriage relationship, as well.
Questioning
Unfortunately, I was stuck on religion and didn’t have time for anything else. I just kept thinking, “If my husband isn’t saved, then the marriage cannot work. If my husband isn’t saved, how can we go out and have fun? What kind of relationship could we have? I don’t know if I should tithe or not tithe. What should I do with my money? Should I ask him for money from his check?” For me, the marriage relationship was almost in a cloud. If it didn’t say religion in front of it or if I couldn’t find a verse for it, then it wasn’t relevant.
When I started to identify basic marriage problems as yoke problems, I also discovered that my problems had more to do with my negative attitude and my approach toward my husband than with his relationship (or lack of relationship) with Christ. The Lord began to deal with me and show me how self-righteous I had become. Then I was able to go back and try to approach my husband again, to ask for forgiveness in certain areas, to try to rebuild our relationship, and to rediscover the other areas of our marriage that did work.
Getting Stuck in an Unequally Yoked Marriage
…There is a lot more to marriage than just the religious aspect. You don’t want to get stuck in one place thinking, “Because my spouse isn’t saved, nothing else matters.” You can develop intimacy and togetherness in other areas. There are other things that you can do. Remember the full circle of marriage and see where you can expand your relationship. Ask yourself, “What happened to these other areas of my marriage? Do I need to go back and work on some things?”
…It is indeed a high calling to be in an unequally yoked marriage relationship. Not everyone can handle it. Some women say, “when we got married, I didn’t know any better; we weren’t saved.”
To counter this attitude, I often encourage clients to spend more time looking at the things they saw in their husband when they first met him. Take time to remember what attracted you to him in the first place. There was a reason why you got married.
Reasons for Marrying
Some people were married because there was a child involved. Maybe you wanted your child to have a father in the home. Even if that was your only reason, many of the characteristics it takes to be a good father are similar to those needed to become a good husband. But now that you have him, regardless of why you have him, you can learn to love and honor him.
When my husband asks me, “Would you marry me again?” the answer is an emphatic “Yes!” I love the man. I have learned to look beyond his faults the way God looks beyond mine. Also, I’ve learned to look past all the little things —like picking up clothes (even though he picks up after me). It is those little things that become annoying when they occur on a regular basis and make you think, “Will I ever get through this?”
Instead, I ask God to help me see all that my husband will become. I plan to hang in here until the end, and he knows that. I believe in marriage until death do us part. The key is not to kill each other in the process.
This article comes from the book, Can Two Walk Together? Encouragement for Spiritually Unbalanced Marriages
– ALSO –
To help you further with this issue, please click onto the web site links provided below to read:
• MARRIED TO AN UNBELIEVING SPOUSE: Shine Your Light
Plus:
If you have additional tips you can share to help others in this area of marriage, or you want to share requests for prayer and/or ask others for advice, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
Filed under: Spiritual Matters Unbelieving Spouse
(UNITED STATES) I have a husband that says he is a believer but seems to only believe when it requires no effort. The things that I loved about him he quit being long before I was saved. We struggle in almost every area of our marriage. It is so hard to be the kind of wife God wants me to be when I am battling at just liking him sometimes.
I believe that this is “til death do us part” I just can’t wait until I am blessed and have a marriage that doesn’t leave me praying for death so we can part. On the upside since Easter I have gotten him to agree on one day a week going to church. That was an awesome answer to my prayers.
So I have faith that God will move this marriage where it needs to be but in the mean time it is so very, very hard. Raising the kids virtually alone, matter of fact most everything alone except for the conjugal visit he enjoys once in awhile. I haven’t found any books or web sites that teach you how to deal with the mean time when he isn’t budging until God moves him.
(US) You have taken the words right out of my mouth… from half-hearted Christianity to raising kids alone… doing everything alone… I share your struggle… and your prayers.
May God surround us both with his grace and love. May we not give up. May they feel the knock. May they become the spiritual leaders of our households as the Lord intended… and may we choose to submit on a daily basis despite our struggles. Blessings.
(US) Same boat, I’ve been praying for my husband for three years now to come to the Lord. I fasted, prayed, cried till my eyes hurt for days. I’ve realized through all this that my husband suffers from passive aggressive personality disorder and because of that has suffered so much pain. I’ll pray for you both; please do the same for me. Remember we need to seek God first then all these things will be added on to us.
(UNITED STATES) This is directed to “same boat.” You say you’ve been praying for your husband for three years; I’ve been praying for mine for the past 32 years and he still is not saved. But we serve a mighty God and His word says he wants none to perish so I hold on to that truth and keep praying. God bless…
(SOUTH AFRICA) My question now comes in when it comes to datiing an unbeliever. I am currently single and one day I hope to get married. The dating pool for belivers is limited. What would you then advise?
(KENYA) Hi Kayla, It’s a good question you asked. I just want to give you one great advice as a Christian galfriend. Don’t even think of dating an unbeliever. Get on your knees pray trusting God. Don’t feel discouraged. You may think that the believers are few but you will be suprised to find that God has someone for you. I believe He has. Persist and don’t fall in the deception of opting for a non-believer. May the Lord suprise you, may He meet the desire of your heart. May He give you all the grace and patience you need in this time. You will meet your mate. Take care gal.
(USA) Yes! NEVER, NEVER, NEVER DATE an unsaved man, or for that matter, a man that professes Christ yet willingly lives contrary in ways that go against who you are, what you believe, and how you live your life as a Christian now. Be not hasty in finding your marriage partner, and take the time to make sure you both are growing in the same direction with the same leading of the Holy Spirit in your lives.
Being unequally yolked goes far beyond the “I am saved”, “he is saved” issue. It’s a life time of growing spiritually together and your lives molding into one. This cannot and will not happen if the two be not in agreement. Is he wholeheartedly submitted to the leadership of the Holy Spirit? Are you? Is he an example NOW of a godly man trustworthy of leading you spiritually for the rest of your lives? How does he himself lead himself?
What communion hath light with darkness? The answer is NONE! For a season it may be fun, and he may even have a pleasant personality, and you seemingly get along, but the deep spiritual, emotional, and intellectual needs of a women that is to be met in a marriage that is to emulate the relationship of Christ and His church (intimate and close and sacrificially caring and the giving of one’s life for the other) can never be met by a man who does not have a clue as to what fellowship is, what real love is, who Christ is, and what a vibrant walk with Christ is all about.
It usually ends up that it’s all about them, and as they seem to know enough about what a Christian woman should look like, they use that to their full advantage. They will expect and demand perfection, servitude, and gracious forbearance on the wife’s part concerning all which they willingly choose NOT to do to enhance their relationship, the marriage, or the children’s lives. It becomes a very empty, sad, lonely, hurtful life. There is no oneness, no communion of the spirits.
Christ is to be your Husband till He brings you one. Glory in that while you can. Man needed a helpmeet. Women were created for men. Women did not need a helpmeet- thus we find our sufficiency in Christ.
All our needs are met in Him, so seek to live for Him and follow Him, and trust Him, knowing that in HIS timing, He will bring to you the man He would have you minister to for the rest of your life-and it will be the right man He has chosen for you. Be not as Abraham and Sarah and try to figure out and work out the Lord’s will your own way. It never works!!! Rest in Christ and trust Him.
(UNITED STATES) Thank you so much for your answer. I don’t know if you helped the person that originally posted but you helped me.
My husband was not a Christian and I was saved at 13 so I do not understand living without God. We were married for 7 years and he was starting to venture into activities that were highly against what the Holy Spirit would let me do in comfort. It got so bad I prayed for a way out and God gave me that way out. He finally cheated on me. Then he came to God.
Now he leads our family in fellowship. He is more zealous for God than I could ever imagine being. His love and patience for me is beyond anything I ever thought a person was capable of. He really has been evidence for God’s changing power through Christ’s love, not through any man.
He describes the darkness in him as so empty so bad that all he wanted was to not live. He felt life had no meaning and that is why he says he was able to cheat. He says the closer I got to God the more he hated, me, life, everything. Sometimes it is hard not to listen to the world who would say he is just using this as an excuse for his behavior.
(UK) Wow.. all what you have said is so true! PLEASE ANYONE TEMPTED TO MARRY AN UNSAVED MAN… PLEASE HEED THE WARNING, DONT DO IT! I did and my life has been indescribably horrible! I got saved at 15 years old. I loved the Lord and was growing but after about 2 years I started drifting away but I still Loved him & found the Lord would pull me back in. So many things happened where I wouldn’t have time & space to go into right now but the enemy also managed to get into my head and I started to believe lies! (This was also from a lack of understanding of God and who He is etc..)
Anyway, I ended up losing my virginity at 18 yrs old to the man who’s now my husband and yes, it was fun for a short while but then I got pregnant and guilt rushed in! I didn’t want to disgrace Christ anymore so I married him (I used my own wisdom, to try to fix the consequence of my actions!). Anyway, life pretty much from the start, has been hellish. After having our first child I knew God was drawing me back to the church. I could sense it so strong in my heart!
I did go back & my husband started to come with me for a while but there were still problems and these problems just grew and grew and grew. After my 2nd child, I was so messed up spiritually (I had been taught different things from a previous church I went to & I started to question whether God was with me, even though I knew I had the Holy Spirit).
In the end I threw God away & decided I was going to fix me own marriage myself! That was the the biggest mistake of my life! Since then, 12 years ago, I’ve been in even worse turmoil. Then, my husband ended up cheating on me after 5 years of marriage with 3 children (I had a newborn!). He ended up leaving. We split for over 1 year but the worst thing is, I went through all of that without my close intimate relationship with Jesus! My spiritual life was a whole other story.
I still till this day, don’t have my beautiful, precious, intimate relationship back with my 1st love, Jesus Christ, no matter what I’ve tried to do. He still provides and does external things. He’s even delivered me from some things that were mentally tormenting me but the close, intimate relationship, (I TOOK FOR GRANTED) still isn’t restored!
PLEASE DON’T TAKE YOUR SALVATION FOR GRANTED AND HONOR AND VALUE IT, IT’S SO PRECIOUS. CONTINUE TO DELIGHT YOURSELF IN THE LORD JESUS. HE KNOWS WHAT YOU NEED & HE KNOWS THE DESIRE OF YOUR HEART! HE WILL GIVE YOU THAT PRECIOUS MAN OF GOD AND YOUR MARRIAGE WILL BE A BEAUTIFUL TESTIMONY OF WHAT GOD CAN DO, WHEN WE LOVE & SEEK HIM 1ST. HE’LL GIVE YOU THE BEST, FOR HE KNOWS WHAT YOU NEED! DON’T BE FOOLISH!! WAIT ON THE LORD & BE OF GOOD COURAGE!! God Bless you sisters and brothers in Christ xx
(KENYA) Hi, I only just came across this page and had to say to you Ann, thank you for sharing your story. I am born again and had been for a year and a half when I met the most loving, kind man. I believed my prayers had been answered and that he was the one. We were engaged in a short time and in all the excitement I forgot my commitment to God.
I fell pregnant and only then did the gravity of what I had done hit me. I was meant to have been a light to my fiance but instead I had led him deeper into darkness. I felt guilty. I wanted to fix it. My pastor kept telling me I could not marry a non-believer but I thought he had misinterpreted the word -I was Christian and so was my fiance so what was the problem? He would get baptised when he was ready and be a great dad to our child and all would be well.
Then my eyes and ears started to open. He was never going to go to church, read the Bible, be saved and didn’t care if he went to heaven or hell. His drinking would continue and though God was important to him he would not do things God’s way, but his way, though he’d stll pray. Believe it or not I was ok with all this… until a few days ago when I realised I was no longer seeking God’s counsel on anything and if an unequally yolked marriage was going to be my fate why not research on it if I didn’t believe my pastor?
Its been three days surfing the net, crying as I slowly realize the gravity of the decision I am about to make. I am so sad because I love my fiance and I know he loves me but I have to choose God or face a life of misery for my disobedience. I made an attempt to break up today but my flesh is so weak I couldn’t go through with it. It was a sad, sad moment. I couldn’t go through with it so asked for time.
I don’t know how to be a parent let alone a single parent but know I must obey God’s word and let go of my engagement. Please pray for me that I find the strength to follow through and obey. Please pray for me that I am able to bear the guilt of what is the most cruel thing I have ever done to a person who loves me. Please pray for me so that even though my family won’t understand, they will support me.
Missy, its been 4 years since you posted this comment. What happened? I’d like to know bcz I’ve found myself in a similar situation minus the pregnancy and I also need to break my engagement but it has become so hard because he is begging me not to leave him and it’s so hard to see that I’m gonna break his heart. He is such a good man but he is not saved :(
(USA) I remember being single. I remember wondering “if” I would marry. I also remember realizing that if I was looking for a date/man, or worse, felt desperate, I would end up with someone with lots of baggage. So my quest became to be Happy, not Married or even Dating. There is just too much bizarre stuff out there, and you can’t afford to seem vulnerable. So, if there is no one obvious to date, I hope you will hang it up for a while. And, I hope you sense God’s loving, careful guidance in your life now. My prayers are with you.
(USA) Chris, you are very wise… good for you.
(US) I got married several years ago to a man who professed Christianity. I saw some red flags but chose to ignore them. I had been married to an unbeliever who left me, and I didn’t want to make the same mistake again. Well, I did. I fell in love and thought that he would grow in the Lord. It didn’t happen. In fact, he does nothing to foster a relationship with God, but we do go to church together. As I grow deeper in the things of God, I find myself pulling away from him more and more.
I know a husband needs respect, but it is hard to respect a man who operates in the flesh and doesn’t seek the Holy Spirit for wisdom on anything. I am running in the Promised Land with Jesus, and my husband is back in the desert, yet he is content there He would agree with things I say about God, but I see absolutely zero fruit in his life. I am seeking the Lord about what to do. I believe that we are in a covenant with God and do not want to seek a divorce. However, I want to be released from this. I see his previous behavior as being a phony who just wanted to win me Now I am not sure what to do, but again, I’m seeking God. Thanks for letting me share.
(USA) I’m in the same situation and totally understand how you feel! At least we know we’re not alone. But we cannot stay stuck in our feelings. Need to keep seeking wisdom like reading this article to help us refocus so we can lead effective lives for God. Don’t let Satan disable us with how we feel!
(UNITED STATES) I hear so much complaining… STOP!!! Respect that man because you married him. The hardest thing for me is constantly hearing God tell me that more change from ME is required to change my husband. Every time my husband does something I consider “messed up,” and I go to God (which is mandatory for women to do… stop getting in your husbands’ face and talk to God about EVERYTHING that bothers you) he shows me where I can improve.
You know what the point is? God is working with you because you are willing to change and your husband is not, at least not right now. The more you let God work on YOU, the more he will work on your husband. Not as quickly as we would like, not the way we would like either… but remember God has his own time. Your husband has a journey to take that has nothing to do with you. Stay with it because you made a vow; honor your vow and God will honor you.
Now some may say I am being harsh; I have my days when I feel like nothing will change and God is not listening to my prayers. Worst yet, I have no prayer partners or family or friends to fellowship with who can lay hands and speak the words I am weary of praying. BUTTTTTTT, God has something to prove to nonbelievers. He is saying ‘this is my child who trusts in me and I will not let them down; if you give your life to me. I will do the same for you.’
Wives, stand as living proof that God is a very present help in the time of trouble. Embrace your role and hang on to God’s unchanging hand. Take it day by day, some days praying every minute until the peace of God OVERTAKES you. It will be alright. God bless.
AMEN!! YOU HAVE JUST SPOKEN HOW MY DAILY LIFE IS!! IT’S HARD BUT EVERYTHING THAT I GO THROUGH, WHEN I BRING MY PROBLEMS TO HIM, WHEN I POUR MY LOVE ON HIM, WHEN I PRAY, IT BRINGS ME CLOSER TO GOD AND I BELIEVE THAT WHAT YOU SAID IN THIS POSTING IS VERY TRUE!!
(CANADA) The Marriage Convenant, in the euphoria of the moment when vows are spoken do we really know the impact of the words.
Imagine been married to a MAN whose priorities are Career, Career, Career. Imagine raising kids in a home where there is no leadership (spiritual, emotional, physical, or such). Imagine pursuing a business as a entrepreneur and having no support from your spouse, instead you are berated and discouraged. Imagine been married to man who is so selfish in his pursuit of worldly degrees that the idea of a family to him is “a burden.” Imagine your husband treats the home like a “room and board.” Imagine being married to a man who does not live LIFE so cannot even share LIFE with us. Imagine doing everything on your own, as if it’s a single parent household.
With all this, would you not be tempted to ask, Is this what GOD ordained for marriage? Why did I get married, IF I knew this is what lay in store? Would I still have gotten married?
Some days are so hard, I am so discouraged, I am broken but I look at my kids and I have no choice but to get on my knees and pray and be thankful for that which God has done.
During this Holy Week I think of all Jesus went through for our sake and I am saddened that centuries after, some of us, including my spouse, are living lives of bondage, of suffering, searching for fulfilment and completeness in empty spaces.
Pray for me, pray for the woman who has no one, no help, no aide, no support system but GOD. Even typing this, tears are streaming down my face.
(US) Julie, I will pray for you. I feel your burden. May the Lord bring you comfort.
Julie, I am praying for you, your frustrations are recognizable, pray for me as well, and together God will give us the strength to move forward in our relationships.
(USA) Sabrina: I have been in a spiritually mismatched marriage for 12 years and counting… Thanks for calling it “a high calling.” I must agree with that and thanks for the encouragement!
Our powerful and sovereign Father did choose us for this journey and it is not for the light of heart… This a deep discussion and requires a lifetime of conversations, but I am still searching for a way to connect with my husband. It’s quite the challenge to connect with anyone, family, friend, work partners, children, when they don’t have the same foundation you do. Every topic I talk about involves MY GOD… I can do nothing w/o HIS knowledge. I can be of no service to anyone w/o His enabling me to do so. If I leave my spiritually out of the conversation, it becomes shallow and meaningless… BUT GOD… I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me… so I can stay married and be content and peaceful and serve our lord if HE will enable me to do so.
I am still trying to figure it out and find ways to connect with my husband. Would you consider leading an online study to help us find some ways? Thanks for considering this idea. May Father continue to bless your ministry!
(TRINIDAD) I am in an unequally yolked relationship. My boyfriend believes in God, and adapts the mentality that he cannot do anything without him in his life, but due to his limited knowledge in the word, and minimal exposure to church growing up, he hasn’t been baptized, and doesn’t understand some biblical principles. He has his own ideologies. Some people I go to church with tell me to let go of the relationship that has been going on for more than a year. I am young, just 22, so I have a lot of time to find someone else.
The truth is, even though this person is unsaved, he has indeed been a blessing to my life. What I try to do, is maintain consistency in my own Christian life, in such a way, that whenever he has an issue, I can offer advice using the word of God. I realize that when I approach him with gentleness, he is willing to listen, rather than me trying to shove my beliefs down his throat. I have seen a change in him over time. When I first met him, he had no interest in going to church, and now he agrees on church attendance, though he may not attend every Sunday. This is remarkable in my eyes, because sometimes, it takes a longer time for some as opposed to others, but one way or another, they find their way to the Lord.
I strongly hold to the following verse :1 Peter 3: 1-6. 1 Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2 when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. 3 Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. 4 Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. 5 For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, 6 like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.
(TRINIDAD) You have made two very important points: one is that this person is not saved, and the other is that you are not yet married. To me, that places the advice given in 1 Peter 3:1-6 outside of that relationship. One of the reasons that guidance was given is to provide believing wives with the proper means of winning over an unbelieving husband. The fact that someone has been a blessing to your life does not necessarily place them in a “special” category – your blessings come from God, who uses many different means to deliver them to us.
I would strongly suggest that you indeed end this relationship and thus prevent yourself from going into an unequally yoked marriage, from which “escape” would be much more problematic. Let me also pass on some advice recently shared with young people by a visiting Pastor: “Use your youth to develop your relationship with God and to discover His purpose for your life. In that way, when you do meet “the right person” there will be – since God will be in it – a meeting of common and complementary purposes.” You are still young, wait on the Lord and allow Him to give you His best at the right time.
P.S. I am a father of still-single daughters who are all just a few years older than you are. This is the same advice that I would give to them.
(AUSTRALIA) Dear Cathleen, I read your comment and felt urged to respond. I am in a mismatched marriage too. And you and me have a lot in common. I love Jesus and wanted to serve God. And like you if I left Christ out of the conversation or the act, it would be meaningless for me.
I prayed to God to show us a way to connect. This what God did for us and still continuing to do. I am very passionate about the theatre. During my school days I used to act a lot. I did not know that my husband liked dramas too. An amateur theatre God brought us closer. Now we volunteer in that organisation of his choice, which by God’s grace is also spreading the Word of God.
We also do simple things like cook together. However, before all this happened we had to go through Christian marriage counselling. The Christian counsellor encouraged us to talk and discover common interests. My husband responded to the counselling and that’s how it all came to pass. I hope this helps.
I love your heart Mary Ann, and I have no doubt that God is using you in immeasurable ways. My sister-in-law did the same with my then, unbelieving brother. She asked God to show her how to find points of commonality in interests, to connect. As they grew closer, my brother put his guard down more and more and eventually, as he said, put his “toe over the line and made the decision to trust God.” I love and admire my sister-in-law all the more because of her sacrificial love.
It doesn’t always happen this way, but I believe it happens more as the believing spouse partners with God in loving their unbelieving spouse, than it ever could if judging, self-righteousness and such goes on. Thanks Mary Ann for your encouraging words. May God continue to bless you in your life with your husband.
(USA) I’m going thru this unequalled yoked problem right now. I am in a bad place and do not see any solution other than to just go with the flow. There are no solutions to the frustrations and aggravations that I go thru on a daily basis. I don’t even know why I am commenting. I think what I want to say is advise anyone and everyone that may even be slightly thinking of marrying an unbeliever, do not do it. Please. Don’t fool yourselves. Do not do it. Witness to them, talk with them, but do not get romantically involved.
When Paul said it is better to be single he was speaking the biggest truth. I am so very sorry I never adhered to it. I am so sad, depressed, and the enemy has me pinned. I think the “to death do us part” statement is exactly right. I am contemplating suicide as the lesser of two evils as this issues is ridiculously out of hand. God help me.
(USA) You got the answer already. Your last words were “God help me”. That is what you do. You go to God and ask for his help. You pray for wisdom, guidance, strength, and knowledge. You do not ask him to “repair” your marriage. God brings people in and out of your life for a reason, season, or a lifetime. God brought them in, you choose them!
Now I agree, do not marry a non believer, but if you are already united under God with that person… well, you know… God does not believe in divorce. God did not create divorce. It was a decree from Moses. Go to God and give Him your problem. Ask for his will to be done. You know that God does not do things to you, He does them for you. Whatever you may be going through is a storm. Everyone has them. I do not know how intense you storm may be, but God does.
Pray for yourself first. You have to love yourself in order to love others. SO IF YOU ARE CONSIDERING SUICIDE EVEN 1 PERCENT, you do not love yourself and you most definitely do not love GOD! Do not allow the devil a victory by the fall of your faith.
Secondly, pray for that spouse. Pray to bind the devils attempts to sabotage your marriage. Pray for a renewing of that spouse’s mind that will allow the errors of their ways, devil control, to flee in Jesus name! You cannot make someone a believer. You are not Jesus. All you can honestly do is pray and I mean consistently. I have been told that once you change, your environment changes. Allow your mind and ways of doing things change and you environment (spouse) will adapt. I will keep you in my prays. God Bless.
(USA) Suicide is never the answer, especially if you have children. Worst case in your situation is you’re going to get a divorce, best case would be the spouse somehow finds salvation on her own. A good solution may be to do marriage counselling, but many cases a spouse who doesn’t believe in marriage or in your marriage will not put in the effort required for repair.
(USA) Morpheus, my heart goes out to you. Sometimes the journey can seem too long and difficult to bear any longer. That is when we need others to help us bear the load. Please try to find help from a local church or you can start by talking to a counselor for free -find a Christian ministry’s webpage and call them. Focus on the Family is one resource I know of.
You’re a Christian, which is why you don’t see divorce as an option and feel trapped. But suicide is also not an option, my sister. What will you say to your Maker? How will you explain taking the very life He gave you? A life He paid so dearly for? Do not even consider suicide. I’ve been there. It is Satan trying to take your life to render you useless for the Kingdom of God. Flee him and flee those thoughts. Focus on the kind of person you want to be for God’s Kingdom. If your spouse comes around, that’s a blessing. But until then, focus on what you need to do to be the best that you can be.
Hi Morpheus, I know exactly… exactly what you are feeling and how you have contemplated avenues of escape. My husband and I have been together for 5 1/2 years. The pain and loneliness of be unequally yoked can take its toll and drain you emotionally and physically. My husband is often verbally abusive and blasphemes the Holy Spirit. He actually mocks the minister when he preaches salvation. He knows how important my faith is to me, so he frequently uses that against me when we fight.
No one knows the desperation and emptiness that a person feels when you’re in a relationship like this. I’ve considered divorce, but I always come back to the scriptures and know that is not what God desires for a Christian. Every day, suicide enters my thoughts and I have even studied ways to do it. I pray… all day, every day for my marriage, for me to be a more patient, loving wife, for my husband’s heart to soften. All of these people, although well-meaning, don’t understand if they say…don’t think about it or just keep praying. They don’t realize that prayer is where we live all day, every day. It’s so hard to continue to have faith when you live with the faithless.
I will pray for you. I do know one thing that helps me get through every day… God is faithful. God is love. HE loves us and wants the best for us. We must have faith that God hears us and that He is all powerful and can save everyone …even our spouse.
(USA) I’m a 20 something African American Christian woman (I accepted Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior) who was dating an African American Muslim man. He was raised in the church but due to doubts about the Trinity (he never thought it was explained well enough for him to believe it) and people’s behavior in the church, he left the church all together and eventually began to study Islam.
While he isn’t devout to the point of making me change, wearing hijab, and abaya and all that, it’s clear he did not believe Jesus is the son of God. Muslim’s believe that we are reading a Bible that is full of misinformation…That Jesus was a prophet etc.
He loved me and spoke of marriage frequently. I loved him too but I felt so convicted about being with him. I told him several times we couldn’t be together but had a very hard time leaving him completley. I felt as though I was led to give him some distance. I didn’t actively talk to him for a couple of days. I was busy as usual but still… I could have made time. I didn’t.
He began to send several texts asking what was going on and making passive aggresive comments. (Now this has nothing to do with his religion and everything to do with self control. I am in no way saying all men or even muslim men are like this.) I know his feelings were hurt. Really I do. But I had to put some space between us…
He is very angry with me right now. I feel horrible for hurting him. I know it’s the right thing. But still, I never wanted to hurt anyone. I wish we just could have remained friends. :(
(USA) Shiva, I too am in nearly the exact same situation. I knew from the beginning that it wouldn’t be a good idea to get romantically involved with this guy, but his drive to find God brought out my own drive, and made me seek God more. He would say things like, “It’s rare to find girls like you that love God!” and told me that the only religious influence he had on the east coast was Islam. So he adopted that faith as his own, desiring a devout religion. He also rejected the Trinity, and the fact that Jesus is one with God. He said it doesn’t make any sense and that I just believe whatever I am told. He is also taking a philosophy class and a “World Religions” class, and is utterly fascinated by a taoist book right now. I know there’s a verse that says “SEEK AND YOU SHALL FIND, KNOCK AND THE DOOR SHALL BE OPENED TO YOU” and I believe that is a promise.
I’ve shared my faith with him several times, and he even asked me if I would teach him about Jesus. Saying that he felt that God put me in his life to bring him to Jesus. But why would he say these things if he challenges every aspect of my faith every other second? Anyway, I had broken things off twice, saying that I didn’t feel God wanted me to talk to him in a relationship-pursuing manner, but then I kept falling back in. I loved his friendship, and I truly missed him for the few days that we stopped talking!
After a couple weeks back on (we never got into a fully committed relationship), I ended up going to the east coast to visit him. It was a great time, but I still felt God tugging on my heart saying “This is not what I have for you, I have something special for both of you, so just TRUST Me.” But after I left, he still wanted a relationship. I, meekly, lied and said I still did too, while I was having a battle with myself in my head on whether or not I really did.
I saw a few red flags the last day I was there, but I told myself not to discriminate and be hypocritical. If I were going to love him, I was going to love ALL of him, for exactly who he was. Who was I to say he wasn’t good enough? And I just figured I would keep ministering to him the best that I could.
Well, he told me he was thinking about moving out to where I live (Yes, this was all long distance)…but to do something illegal. (This shook things immensly) I feel like God put this moral obstacle in our relationship so that I would have a way out. But he, too, is mad at me, and I just long for that friendship we shared before everything got mucked up. But you know what Shiva, we planted a seed! Now it’s up to God to do the watering. Like someone mentioned before, people are put in our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Nothing that we shared with them will go for loss. God is working on their hearts whether we see it or not! We just have to keep praying fervently for them, and for the strength to keep our hearts guarded.
If I’ve learned anything, it’s that God really does have someone special for us, and we have to seek HIM, and trust HIM. We can’t do things on our own. I pray you are able to someday be friends with this man again, and that he will someday find the Lord :) God bless you!
(USA) I am in an unequally yoked marriage and although at one time I felt empowered to live in it, my husband and I have grown so far apart. His addictions are a huge issue for us and I will admit that my walk has withered. I feel God telling me each time I feel I need to leave that He isn’t done yet.
Please pray for me to get closer to God and that my hunger will be renewed. I am feeling spiritually defeated which is affecting my marriage as well. I also feel that God is preparing me for ministry, but I can’t possibly see HOW he can use someone like me. Someone that has been disobedient to His direction. My spirit is willing, but my flesh is extremely weak! I covet your prayers. Thank you for this website : )
I know this is an old post and you may never see this, but trust the Lord when He tells you to keep hope and that He isn’t done. I used to be angry with God for telling me the same, because there was so much pain, but He had a plan. Only God can see into the hearts of men and knows the future. If He says He’s not done, draw into Him and trust His knowledge, His wisdom, and His heart. He loves you and His plans for you are good.
These are wise words, Kat. Thank you for sharing them with those who read this posting.
(USA) Hello, I am writing for some biblical insight on my strange situation. I married the father of my children years ago and later divorced. We then reconciled and had another child, but never remarried. I am a Christian woman, raise my children with the Word, attend church, etc. He was saved as a child but never got on the path of walking with the Lord as an adult.
He challenges the Bible and marriage. He doesn’t feel we need to be married… well I DO! Am I stuck on reading the scripture as a wife or just someone’s mother of their children?? We aren’t legally married now but we were before. I don’t know if I should continue with the daily frustration or win him over with my deeds in hopes he comes around and first, gives himself to the Lord and secondly, want to marry me again! Sometimes I’m not sure if I should marry him again simply because of unaddressed trust and communication issues from the past. I know that was a mouthful but prayerfully you can discern my plea :)
(USA) I know the Bible says if you are divorced for reasons other than an unbeliever leaving you or the other person cheating on you, then technically you ARE still married in God’s eyes and shouldn’t marry another person. I would pray for you both to become married in God’s eyes, and pray to God for guidance. I’ll say a prayer for you.
(SOUTH AFRICA) I am also in the same situation. I divorced my nonbelieving husband a year ago. Because we have children together, we decided to reconcile, but we are now not married. I’m praying for the Lord’s guidance.
(USA) For those of you who are only dating unbelievers, I warn you, DO NOT marry these people. I struggled when dating my unbelieving husband, and even went to several sites like this, and although we broke up three times because of this, I kept going back. I was getting older (now I realize not too old… I was in my late 20’s…oh my!) and my friends were all getting married, so that had a lot to do with my lack of judgement.
Anyway, being married to him is the hardest thing I can imagine. EACH day is a struggle. I daydream about what man God had in store for me if only I had waited. Who knows, it probably would’ve been the next year, the man of my dreams came walking through the door. But too late now, I’m married, and stressed out every day about how to keep his anger and attacks at bay. And it’s all due to his lack of knowing Christ. This is so hard, and he isn’t who I’m supposed to be with. It’s a terrible situation and as a friend in Christ, I say forget this mediocre relationship and hold out for God’s choice for you. Praying for you all.
I have to say I’m going through this right now. I’ve been talking to a guy for 6 years. I’m 20 now. I knew God back then and he told me to leave him. I didn’t and we moved in together after we met after 5 years. It was abusive and I prayed for a way out. I cried and was always trying to please him. I got addicted to weed through him and felt I needed to smoke every day to deal with the pain. I asked God for a way out. I was too weak. I told God if he cheats on me I’ll leave. I knew he was cheating. He withdrew from me sexually and affection.
He told me he was seeing someone and I moved out the next day. It was so hard. I grew so close to God during the three months we weren’t talking. Then we started slowly talking again. Now I see him and he came over to my parent’s house and we hung out. He says he loves me and he is sorry. He is stuck in his own ways and ideas. It’s frustrating to me because I try to show him God. We went to church last Sunday and there was a great sermon. He didn’t see anything from it and kind of joked about what the pastor said.
I am so lost. I’m hurt! I love this man with all of my heart, but we argue constantly due to our different views. He doesn’t want to get married because he said he’s too young (21). I told him that marriage is a commitment. When you love someone you marry them and have a covenant under God. He still is stuck in his ways and says he’s too young and he will marry when he is 27. I try so hard to open his mind and I pray to God to show him HIS ways and not rely on his own understanding. I’m broken! I don’t know what to do.
People say leave and it’s not that easy. I’ve been talking to him since I was 14. I feel like I’m going down the wrong path again. I thought I was stronger than this. I even smoked weed again and thought I never would because of how close I got to God. I started feeling like my old ways are okay. I too felt like I should be a light to the guy I’m dealing with, but I am so weak I give in to his ways. I really need God to help us. I really want to be with him. I am lost. I try to do things the right way, but whenever I get around him he irritates my spirit because I feel the music he listens to is wrong or when he cusses or when he speaks always referring to his mentality that isn’t quite right. It’s hard. I still don’t know what to do!
Sally, you say that you “don’t know what to do” but I have a feeling that you do. You just don’t want to do it. And I totally get that. When we have feelings of love it’s difficult to think of walking away from that person, even if he is toxic in many ways –physically, and spiritually. The biggest decision seems to be to make sure he isn’t becoming a type of a “god” to you –where your feelings of love for him put him ahead of God and going His way, instead of man’s. When we’re tempted to do that, we’re told in the Bible to “flee” from that temptation –even if we STRONGLY don’t want to do so. Overall, it’s the best thing we can do.
I highly recommend you read through the “Single Yet Preparing” topic and see what you believe God would have you do, and what you know you should do, which you can find on our web site at: https://marriagemissions.com/category/single-yet-preparing/. Please prayerfully consider all that is written. And here’s a web site I also recommend you glean through to read what you can that will best help you as a single woman: http://www.boundless.org. The Boundless web site “is a community for Christian young adults who want to grow up, own their faith, date with purpose, and prepare for marriage and family.” Please visit their web site often.
Right now you are really mixed up in a lot of ways and you need good, godly counsel to make good decisions for your future. Please don’t sell yourself short. You can have a beautiful, full life ahead of you if you look beyond what appears to be your present options. God will not “help” you if you go the opposite way of where He is directing you and the way He wants you to live out your life every day. Please know that. If we use our will to go against His, then we lose out. I hope you will look through the things I’m recommending. I pray strength and wisdom for you to do the right thing, starting today. You sound like a wonderful, young gal who has the potential for a great future. I hope you will make wise decisions to live out your potential.
(USA) I have been married 30 years. My husband got “saved” 13 years ago, but has not changed. The only thing he does different is attend church. He still smokes, drinks, swears and prefers to hang out with people that do the same. I have no desire to be around those kind of people. I feel like I want to live one way and he wants to live another way. He told me I was too ……. Christiany. What should I do? I am a miserable anxious Christian. I am starting to question God. I have prayed and prayed and prayed.
(USA) I feel like all of this quite a lot, “frustrated, crying wanting out,” etc. We both go to church. In fact my husband grew up in our church, and me being a worship leader is extra hard. But I’ve learned this and I hope it helps someone.
The verse in the Bible, I can’t remember which exactly at the top of my head… love your enemies. Cuz sometimes if not many times, it’s easy to view him as an enemy and not your best friend like you long for. Bless him when he curses you, give when he takes, make kindness the coals on his head. Submit, love, serve. No nagging. Get him his food like he likes it, bring him his drink and sit it by the TV etc. You may fail at it a bunch… lol… but keep at it. Love him more than yourself. I’m believing for a breakthrough in this, for all of us.
(US) I enjoyed this response. I do those things, but I have a “religious” husband. He is similar to the Pharisees, which makes things even harder. I endure his poor choices, his emotional neglect and spiritual neglect. I try to over look his ungodliness at home when he is always talking about Jesus in public. As much as I endure, he’ll pick out something insignificant like I did not wash the dishes on one day and say that I am not being a Christian woman. Or, he will flirt and talk to other women on the phone regularly and if I confront him about his behavior, he will say I am arguing with him; therefore, I am not being a good Christian woman. This is very difficult for me. He demands respect even though I am the one who provides for the family when he does what he wants here and there. He talks about Jesus, and every one says he’s so nice when we are in public, but he refuses to pray with me, read the Bible with me, or take me to church. He goes on his own if he goes. This is so terrible a situation, but I am trying to endure it.
(USA) I was saved and devoted to Christ at young age and again as a teen devoted to His word. I strayed away from the church. I ended up having an abusive, drug addicted boyfriend and 2 children out of wedlock.
After finally leaving him, I was working my night job in a bar and met my husband. Let me first say that I totally love this man and always will. We have been married for 5 years and have 2 children together and he is a good stepfather to my oldest 2.
But about 8 months ago I rededicated my life to Christ and he is still a non believer. He occassionally drinks and I believe he is in a severe depression. Most days I feel like crying all day long. I find joy in church and seeing my children delight in the stories of the Bible. I have a wonderful supportive ladies group. With one exception, my life is wonderful. I love my husband, we joke and laugh, but sometimes, his depression is so severe, he has slept for 5 days straight, only getting up to eat or use the bathroom.
He gets angry when I invite him to church, he refuses to listen to my Christian music, I am so off balance at home, I can tell you I can completely understand the terminology of unequally yoked. My body is exhausted daily due to this heavy load I carry.
Please, someone, tell me it will get better :) I want to spend eternity in heaven with the husband I love. Rebecca
(USA) Wow. Thank you all so very much! Especially you MB. I’ve been dating a non believer for 8 months. We were planning to get married 4 months from now which would be July 2012. Recently we began having problems because he thinks it’s still okay to keep a lot of women in his life as just “friends.” They text him, call him or whatever. I don’t like it and have made him aware that I don’t. He says I’m just insecure.
Last Saturday I ended the relationship, yet even in reading all of these WARNINGS my heart still aches. I don’t think I want to be back in a relationship with him. I just want to get past the heartache, and with regards to the heartache it makes me want to call him, and hope that we can continue to do the things we had fun doing. I’m missing him. Please help.
(UK) Hi Marie and anyone else in the situation, Let Jesus heal and comfort your heart! A moment of mourning the end of this relationship, is better then mourning years of making the wrong decision by going back to this man and then becoming bitter & ultimately losing your relationship with God! I wish I had access to all this before I made the biggest mistake of my life 15 years ago, when I met my husband and got entangled with him. I know what you’re going through and how you’re feeling but honestly, it’s not worth it!
I married my unsaved husband (after dating him and getting pregnant). It’s amazing how you can think of so many ways to justify doing it (but deep down in your heart you know its wrong). I almost had a change of heart when I went to marry my husband but I felt sorry for my him, when I told him, a little of what I was feeling& also I was now pregnant too. So I felt I had to now marry him, plus, he was pleading for me to marry him, on top of everything else! I felt so bad for him& I never wanted to hurt him. Also I thought to myself, I could somehow cover my sin of fornication by getting married & minimize the hurt (I caused) to the name of Christ by doing so! It really doesn’t work that way and honestly. Your life will become a living hell!
Its almost been 14 years of sad, deprived, depressing, hurtful, heart breaking, trust losing (the list goes sadly on!) years of grief, pain, being cheated on, physically, cyberly, verbally aggressive etc… My husband quickly changed from a lovely gentle, charming person, funny man, likable by most people, to being rude, bad tempered, he isn’t mindful of my thoughts, feelings, beliefs. He has lots of female friends on his phone (that I’m not allowed to use; I’m not allowed to use his laptop either and he has passwords on all of them, which he won’t tell me!). We have 5 children but he lives life as a single man!
I feel so sorry for my children and have tried to raise them to know Jesus and to give their hearts and lives to him! But my husband’s a dj, and they (especially my boys), are torn between the two paths). I’m trying to teach one thing while he teaches them something completely different! It is a hard path but what makes mine millions times worse, is 12 years where I threw God out of my marriage and life (even though I still attended church). I became so blind and started to have thoughts of bitterness towards God, husband, and life in general! It has been an impossible journey (if it wasn’t for God). I had thoughts of suicide but it’s only Gods word as to why I never killed myself. I knew where I’d have gone, if I did!
My life in Christ isn’t where I need it to be but I will hope in Him until, He comes completely back into my heart, soul and life! PLEASE DON’T MAKE A DECISION THAT HAS THE POTENTIAL TO DESTROY YOU! The devil is going around like a roaring lion. He wants to steal, kill and destroy us! Please pray, do all you can beg, cry, ask, knock on the Heavenly Father’s door of hope! He will give you a real Godly man, just right for you! Don’t let satan steal what father has for you!
I wish, I could go back in time and have never of had a sexual relationship with my husband in the very beginning! Don’t be deceived, my husband showed all the signs (before we got married) that he was going to be saved. 15 years later and things are only worse! WAIT ON THE LORD!! He will give you the absolute best! Don’t look around and think there isn’t any Christian men around your age out there. God has him somewhere preparing him for you. You will meet when the time is right! I know you will!
Don’t be like some of us here, who now think, “I wonder who my husband would have been? Would he have loved and cherished me the way I need him to? Would he be sensitive to my heart and treat my like I was the only woman ever created? Would he understand and get rid of unnecessary friendships because his wife came 1st? Please, please, please think deeply upon these things. If he doesn’t love Jesus, how on earth is he going to love you, in God’s agape way (unconditional love)? God Bless xx
(US) Please do not go back to him. Pray to God to strengthen you. It is almost unbearable trying to live a Christian life with men who do not honor or respect God. They will not honor or respect you either. You did the right thing. Additionally, he is not ready to forsake all others.
(USA) Hello. I am a Christian. I was raised in a Christian family and have been saved since before I can remember. I believe that Jesus died for my sins. I believe the whole Bible as it is. I have not been acting like it however, at all. I am a terrible witness.
Anyway, my boyfriend (who is Agnostic) and I broke up a few days ago. I love him and I am dying inside. We were looking for engagement rings even and now it is over. It seems so surreal. We had been together for a year and a half. He broke up with me because of my terrible anger and hate I have been having. I have been treating him and all those I love like crap. I don’t want to. I hate it.
I have had much abuse and trauma throughout my life and the last 5 months I have changed from the girl he fell in love with to someone he doesn’t even know anymore. So, he left me. Granted this isn’t all my fault, he had many things he could have done different too but a lot of it is me. I have agreed to intensive therapy to heal my soul and help with my anger so I may be the girl I once was, the girl he fell in love with. This will take a long time. I have many things I need help with and to heal from. He is going to help me heal (go to my appointments with me etc.) but we are still not together. Once I heal he says he will take me back.
Now however, I told him I can’t take him back because I shouldn’t be unequally yoked and have been feeling guilty for dishonoring God and that he will punish me for being with a non-believer. I am so confused. I love him but I should love God more. But my boyfriend says there are many people who are not of the same religion and they are happily married. I know a couple who are complete opposite religions (or lack of one) and are happy in their marriage as well.
He told me he will let me go to church and will respect what I believe and will support whatever I want and that he would even go sometimes but that he will always be an Agnostic and that I cannot change his mind. He also said that will allow our children (when we have them) to go to church with me and that he will respect that but that if they want to believe how he does I must repect that, as well. He is very flexible on this issue unlike me. He even said I can have a religious wedding because I have always wanted the traditional wedding with the pastor and stuff.
I love him and would like to go back to him after my therapy and healing if he will have me; which he says he will, but only if I can live with him being a non-Christian and that he always will be.
So, I really need some input from anyone at all! PLEASE!!! Can this actually work contrary to what others say and will God not punish me forever? I am starting to get closer to God also. My boyfriend’s mother, whom I am very close to, says that she thinks if God was as understanding and loving as I said He is he would see that my boyfriend and I love each other and that He would want me to be happy. SO PLEASE! Some input! Thank you all so much!~ ♥♥♥ God bless!~
(UK) Hi, Ciara… Honestly, I don’t know what more I can tell you to what everyone else and myself haven’t already said! My husband is an non-believer and in the beginning it was great. But all hell literally broke loose once I made the biggest mistake of my life and yoked with him in marriage. Satan is very crafty and cunning. Sin is so sweet, until it gets you in kills you! KJV Prov 14:12 “There is a way which seemeth right unto a man, but the end thereof are the ways of death.”
I had to learn this the hard way. I totally messed up my relationship with God and its NEVER been the same since!! Its been 14 years since I made my mistake!
At the time you think you have so much in common and you feel head over heels in love but it’s not worth your souls salvation! Trust me it’s NOT! If you walk this road you may never have the grace of God to tell the story, to another! God has been incredibly merciful to me! I don’t deserve it! I really wish I had someone to stop me making this grievous mistake! But, I am here if you wanted to talk! Ultimately, you have to make the decision yourself! The Bible talks about choosing life or death.
2 Corinthians 6:14 “Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? And what communion hath light with darkness?” Luke 11:28 “But he said, Yea rather, blessed are they that hear the word of God, and keep it.”
Matt 7:24-27 “Therefore whosoever heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them, I will liken him unto a wise man, which built his house upon a rock: And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell not: for it was founded upon a rock. And every one that hears these sayings of mine, and does them not, shall be likened unto a foolish man, who built his house upon the sand: And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell: and great was the fall of it.”
Hope this helps, God Bless xx
(US) Don’t go back to him. Listen to Ann. It will put a wedge between you and God, which is worse than enduring ungodliness from a partner.
(USE) Hi, my name is Wendy from the moment I began to read your website I could not stop crying. I got saved when I was 14 years old and I was very much on fire for the Lord. I got involved in a church that had cultish tendencies. I married my first husband when I was 17 and a half. I love the Lord so much. The Lord used my voice in ministry since I was young and me and my first husband eventually left that church that we were in for almost 18 years and began to go to an Assemblies of God Church where God used my voice for ministry.
I had two girls my first husband. My husband would always put me down for everything I did. I became very depressed. I knew my husband loved the Lord as well, but was misguided. And I had asked numerous times for us to go to counseling. He would refuse asking, for what reason? I started going myself and the counselor told me that I was being verbally abused. I knew that God frowned upon divorce and I tried very hard to keep my family together. I had even spoken to the Pastor’s wife and her answer was to stay in the marriage. I asked her, would you say that to someone who was being physically abused? And she said of course not! I said well, I am being emotionally abused; What is the difference?
So year after year I would raise my kids and function in my marriage. I began to grow cold towards him. We made a move from California to Florida for a change and I knew this would either make us or break us. I had not been in love with him for a few years now. I had a beautiful home in Florida and had a good job and my girls were healthy; thank God. But I still felt so unhappy. When the Lord finally touched my husband’s heart on the issue of how he treated me, I was done. I noticed he was treating me more kindly but he started with the behavior of putting my girls down in everything they did. I guess he was raised with negative encouragement where someone would tell you you can’t do that or not good enough? And that would motivate you to stand up and prove them wrong. That never motivated me and I did not want my kids subjected to that type of treatment and my oldest was constantly getting into arguments with him.
And when I found a credit card charge for a playboy internet website, I was done. But in the process of my divorce and moving out of the house with my girls I met a man online. He was always kind and considerate and we would just talk. And you know how the story goes…….. We met up and we started dating long distance and we eventually got married, all with in about a year and a half of ending my 16 year marriage from my first husband. I was fully aware of what the Bible said about being unequally yoked. And I was disobedient. I was head over heels crazy for him.
I noticed he had a quick temper about things but I ignored it. I moved with my girls to another part of Florida into my new husband’s house and we got married. My new husband was from the Bronx and people from NY can be very straight forward when they communicate. I was aware of that because I grew up NY till I was 13 years old. My husband and I would have a cycle of big blow outs and our first one was within a couple of years of being married. I thought to myself what did I do? What did I get myself into?
I found a church and began to weep and pray and ask God to forgive me. I knew I had been disobedient. I felt the Lord cover me with his presence. I felt a peace come over me. With that first fight my husband said he wanted a divorce. I went and stayed with my cousin. I wasn’t accepting any of his phone calls. Finally his mother called and told me to give him another chance, that he would go to counseling. So I went back. Everything was ok. I was thankful though, when me and my husband would have these huge arguments my girls were visiting with their dad or for some reason they were not there. I did not want to make the same mistake twice. The verse kept coming to my head about being married to an unbeliever and if they are willing to stay with you do not divorce. So I would do everything in MY own power to keep him from getting upset or preventing arguments in front of the girls so I would keep my mouth shut, always agreeing to whatever he wanted. My husband has good heart and I love him very much but he has some bad behaviors, much like a small child that doesn’t get their way they throw a tantrum.
Needless to say I would try very hard to keep the peace between me my kids and my husband that was a very heavy burden for me to bare. I always felt caught in between. My girls were teenagers and my husband never had any children so he has no idea what it is like to be a parent! He comes from a hispanic culture where disrespect is not tolerated. And he would always be butting heads with my oldest because he expected certain from her like keeping her room clean, cleaning up after herself etc. basic things…. And those things weren’t so important to her. But he tolerated it.
Then my daughter went to college and the tension was less but again if he didn’t get his way on things in the house with me he would go off! My daughter came back home after the first year, missing home and so my husband I spoke and agreed that she can spend a semester home if she continued to go to college because my daughter would change her mind everyother day about stuff. But I pressed her to keep in school, no excuse. I also want to mention that my girls love the Lord. They are good girls don’t drink, or smoke or do drugs; they go to school and they don’t even have boyfriends yet. Thank God! They are now 20, and 18 years. My younger one gets along better with my husband because she is more the quiet type.
One of the issues that we had with my husband is that he is a neat freak. I am not as neat as he and I had two teenage daughters. I adapted to being neater but my oldest, not so well. So she came back for a semester. And I can see and feel the tension coming from my husband about my oldest. To him if you don’t do your part in the house as far as chores and picking up after yourself it’s a big disrespect to him.
One day he looked in the frig and noticed that there was a half of pickle in a big pickle jar that one of the girls didn’t throw out because they were too lazy to take the jar to the recycling. He called them both down to find out who did it. It was my younger one. And she was sick at the time losing a lot of weight. She was gonna throw it away but my oldest said she would throw it away for her. My husband said no, let the younger one do it! My oldest would always put her two cents in when it came to disciplining her sister. She even did it to me when I was correcting her. So she when he told her no let your sister do it, my oldest said what’s the big deal? Before I knew it I was literally between my daughter and my husband because they were in each other’s face yelling and screaming!
He called her a B… and told me he wanted her out of the house. With my husband there is not sitting down and negoiating with him. I told him no, I was not going to kick my daughter out; she had no place to go or stay and her father was in Cuba at the time and I was not gonna do that. He told me that if she doesn’t leave this marriage is over and he took his ring off and left for a couple of days. I took off my ring, grabbed his ring and put it away. My oldest was crying and told me she was sorry. I was just praying. I didn’t know what to do. I was hoping by the time he would get home he would calm down and we could talk calmly on what to do.
The day he came back. My daughters went to school and I had locked myself in the spare bedroom where I worked. He was knocking at the door and I didn’t let him in. (He has never gotten physical with me or my children.) He finally got the key to unlock the door and came in and calmly told me that if my daughter was not out of the house he was gonna call the cops and he was serious. What was I to do??? I prayed and asked God for direction.
One of my girlfriends called me and I briefly explained my situaiton and she opened the door to her home for me and my girls. Since my husband was not the type to sit down and discuss things I left with my girls and I did not hear from him for almost a month. But his mom kept in contact with me and his family and they were very upset on how he reacted. Eventually we began to talk again but I told him there was NO way to even consider this relationship without going to counseling.
The first time we went to counseling we went about 3 visits and that was it. I felt pain in my heart because of what had happened, and not knowing what was gonna happen. My youngest child was so sick at the time, in and out of the hospital. She winded up in the intensive care unit, and was a week in the hospital. I was in danger of losing my job because I was in a probation period at the time my child was in the hospital and I refused to leave her side. I just wanted to die. But I had to keep functioning.
As painful as it was I saw God’s hand through my situation. I felt in my heart that God had me in the place he wanted me… The doctors found my daughter had an adrenal insufficiency. My job was really understanding telling me my family comes first and to stay with my daughter. My friend’s home me and my girls stayed at for a month with very loving couple, provided me and my girls with a loving home.
When my daughter was in the hospital is when I saw my husband. We started talking more.I am sure he was very hurt too that I had left because he didn’t expect me to leave. But I could not kick my daughter out and leave her in the street. What kind of mother would I be? So I asked my husband what he wanted me to do because I could not live in my friends forever and if we were not going to work this out I would have to find a place to live. He was never really clear about anything so I found a condo that I know was also God’s hand from a very nice couple, in a beautiful condo that they had recently upgraded. Me and my both girls lived there and I told my husband that I would not consider moving back until my oldest finsihed her semester and she transferred to the University that she had planned to go to, because that was the orginal plan to begin with. She would stay with us a semester and then transfer to the University.
I have had my own struggles with my daughter in the age she is in thinking that she knows everything and I know nothing –not wanting to go to school or work for that matter, and wanting me to care for her. That was another issue my husband had with her. But I pressed her to stay consistent. So after I moved into the condo I cried for days. I fought with the Lord I told him I don’t want to be here! I want to be home with my husband and my girls! I want my family!!!
I fought until I got tired and asked God for his will to be done in my life. Don’t get me wrong, there were things that I had done that aggravated the marriage, as well. My father, when I was 11, up and left my mom after 16 years of marriage. There seemed to be no warning signs, not even my mom suspected anything was wrong with their relationship until he up and left. That devasted my mother! I told myself I would never be caught with my pants down, so to speak! So whenever there was a slight in change my husband’s behavior I would be insecure, constantly calling him checking on him, etc.. and that irritated him, because it made him feel that I was implying that he was doing something that he shouldn’t.
When I came to terms with God, I started going to counseling and eventually my husband agreed to go to counseling with me in our marriage. It is a slow process but I do see a change in him. It was like our roles were reversed. I became more confident and secure and he was becoming insecure. I think he is finally realizing some stuff. It has now been 8 months I have been out of the house and for 7 months we have gone to counseling. I am a lot stronger, standing up for what I feel and not giving into his every whims. I don’t think he expected that sort of change from me. But after being apart for that long I know that I love him and he has told me that this time apart has definitely shown that he loves me and that he will work on his not getting so easily frustrated or mad about things.
My daughter is now moving out on her own and I am moving back into the house. The one problem is that my daughter and my husband have not talked. Still, my daughter, a couple of times tried to reach out to him through text and he has not responded.He feels that in times past she had asked for forgiveness on things but had not changed her behavior after apologizing. So he feels that this is the same type of situation. I don’t hear in my heart from the Lord either way to end this marriage or continue this marriage. The only way I can know for sure is to move back in and see what happens. My deepest hurt is that the two people that I love very much are not talking and that means I cannot have my family together and that KILLS me! My youngest is moving back with me. She has one more year of jr college, then she will transfer to a University. You know I used to sing for the Lord, ministering to people through song and I would always feel such a strong connection during those times. But I have not had the desire to sing anymore …not for a long time.
I am scared to move back. What if things stay the same? I know the Bible says for God has not given the spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. But I am just being honest. Your website has given me hope that this could work. I am quite embarrassed knowing God’s word and promises and still having some doubt. Please keep me and my family in your prayers and if you have any additional advice please tell me. I felt at a loss of what to do next… but your website gave me a starting a point with some direction. Thank you.
And just a little update, I see my husband is going through a lot of stress right now, work and personal, but we were getting along well. I felt close to him… and I am trying to be supportive of him. But yesterday the tv downstairs went out and he was like, what happened? I explained that it just went out. He started implying that when me and my girls are around, things always break and that I did not do this or that. I do not want to live in an enviroment where I am always being accused of everything that happens and even more so for my daughter… especially having the issue he had with my oldest. I get scared because I don’t want to wind up the same again. Please keep me and my family in your prayers that God gives me wisdom on what to say or not say and act and that God would save my husband.
(US) Is it possible to hear God’s will for your life when there is so much confusion and chaos and instability in your life?
(KENYA) Jacquie, I left a comment on the previous page (dated June 2012). Any advice for me? We are still together.