In Genesis 2:24 we read, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” This principle is repeated in Ephesians 5:31. God’s pattern for marriage involves the “leaving” of parents and the “cleaving” to one’s mate. Marriage involves changing allegiance from parents to spouse. Before marriage, one’s allegiance is to one’s parents, but after marriage allegiance shifts to one’s mate.
Importance of Psychological Break from Parents
It is what the psychologists call “cutting the psychological apron strings.” No longer does the individual lean on his parents, but rather on his mate. If there is a conflict of interest between a man’s wife and his mother, the husband is to stand with his wife. This does not mean that the mother is to be treated unkindly. That is the second principle, which we will deal with shortly. The principle of separating from parents is, however, extremely important. No couple will reach their full potential in marriage without this psychological break from parents.
What does this principle mean in the practical realm? I believe that it suggests separate living arrangements for the newly married couple. While living with parents, the couple cannot develop independence as readily as when living alone. The dependency on parents is enhanced as long as they live with parents.
Living in a meager apartment with the freedom to develop their own lifestyle under God is better than luxurious living in the shadow of parents. Parents should encourage such independence, and the ability to provide such living accommodations should be a factor in setting the wedding date.
Making Spouse Happy Should Take Precedence
The principle of “leaving” parents is also important in decision making. Your parents may have suggestions about many aspects of your married life. Each suggestion should be taken seriously, but, in the final analysis, you must make your own decision. You should no longer make decisions on the basis of what would make parents happy but on the basis of what would make your partner happy. Under God, you are a new unit, brought together by His Spirit to live for each other (Philippians 2:3-4).
This means that the time may come when a husband must sit down with his mother and say,
“Mom, you know that I love you very much, but you also know that I am now married. I cannot break up my marriage in order to do what you desire. I love you, and I want to help you, but I must do what I believe is right for my wife and me. It is my hope you will understand because I want to continue the warm relationship that we have had through the years. But if you do not understand, then that is a problem you must work through. I must give myself to the building of my marriage.”
Importance of Changing Allegiance From Parents to Spouse
…The principle of separation from parents also has implications when conflict arises in marriage. A young wife who has always leaned heavily on her mother will have a tendency to “run to mother” when problems arise in the marriage. The next day her husband recognizes that he was wrong, asks forgiveness, and harmony is restored. The daughter fails to tell her mother this. The next time a conflict arises she again confides in Mom. This becomes a pattern, and before long, her mother has a bitter attitude toward the son-in-law and is encouraging the daughter to separate from him. The daughter has been very unfair to her husband and has failed to follow the principle of “leaving” parents.
If you have conflicts in your marriage (and most of us do), seek to solve them by direct confrontation with your mate. Conflict should be a stepping-stone to growth. If you find that you need outside help, then go to your pastor or a Christian marriage counselor. They are trained and equipped by God to give practical help. They can be objective and give biblical guidelines. Parents find it almost impossible to be objective.
Honor Parents, but Not Above Spouse
The second principle relating to our relationship with parents is found in Exodus 20:12 and is one of the Ten Commandments: “Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you.” It is repeated in Deuteronomy 5:16 and Ephesians 6:2.
The command to honor our parents has never been rescinded. As long as they live, it is right to honor them. In Ephesians 6:1, Paul says, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.” Obedience to parents is the guideline from birth to marriage. Paul’s second statement is, “Honor your father and mother—which is the first commandment with a promise—that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth” (vs. 2-3). Honor to parents is the guideline from birth to death. Honor was the original command and stands forever.
The word honor means “to show respect.” It involves treating one with kindness and dignity. It is true that not all parents live respectable lives. Their actions may not be worthy of honor, but because they are made in the image of God, they are worthy of honor. You can respect them for their humanity and for their position as your parents, even when you cannot respect their actions. It is always right to honor your parents and those of your marriage partner. “Leaving” parents for the purpose of marriage does not erase the responsibility to honor them.
How is this Honor Expressed in Daily Life?
You honor them in such practical actions as visiting, telephoning, and writing, whereby you communicate to them that you still love them and want to share life with them. “Leaving” must never be interpreted as “deserting.” Regular contact is essential to honoring parents. Failure to communicate with parents is saying, in effect, “I no longer care.”
A further word is necessary regarding communication with parents. Equal treatment of both sets of parents must be maintained. Remember, “For God does not show favoritism” (Romans 2:11). We must follow His example. In practice, this means that our letters, telephone calls, and visits must indicate our commitment to the principle of equality. If one set of parents is phoned once a month, then the other set should be phoned once a month. If one receives a letter once a week, then the other should receive the same. The couple should also seek to be equitable in visits, dinners, and vacations.
Holidays Can Get Complicated
Perhaps the stickiest situations arise around holidays —Thanksgiving and Christmas. The wife’s mother wants them home for Christmas Eve. The husband’s mother wants them home for Christmas dinner. That may be possible if they live in the same town, but when they are five hundred miles apart, it becomes impossible. The solution must be based on the principle of equality. This may mean Christmas with one set of parents one year and with the other the following year.
Speak Kindly
To “honor” implies also that we speak kindly with parents and in-laws. Paul admonishes: “Do not rebuke an older man harshly, but exhort him as if he were father” (1 Timothy 5:1). We are to be understanding and sympathetic. Certainly we are to speak the truth, but it must always be in love (Ephesians 4:15).
The command of Ephesians 4:31-32 must be taken seriously in our relationship with parents: “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”
A further implication of honor to parents is described in 1 Timothy 5:4: “But if a widow has children and grandchildren, these should learn first of all to put their religion into practice by caring for their own family and so repaying their parents and grandparents, for this is pleasing to God.”
When we were young, our parents met our physical needs. As they grow older, we may have to do the same for them. If and when the need arises, we must bear the responsibility of caring for the physical needs of our parents. To fail in this responsibility is to deny our faith in Christ (1 Timothy 5:8). By our actions, we must show our faith in Christ and honor for our parents.
Practical Suggestions:
If I could make some other practical suggestions, I would advise you to accept your in-laws as they are. Do not feel that it is your task to change them. If they are not Christians, certainly you will want to pray for them and look for opportunities to present Christ, but do not try to fit them into your mold. You are expecting them to give you independence to develop your own marriage. Give them the same.
Do not criticize your in-laws to your mate. The responsibility of your mate is to honor his parents. When you criticize them, you make it more difficult for him to follow this pattern. When your mate criticizes the weaknesses of his parents, you should point out their strengths. Accentuate their positive qualities and encourage honor.
The Bible Gives Examples
The Bible gives some beautiful examples of wholesome relationships between individuals and their in-laws. Moses had such a wholesome relationship with Jethro, his father-in-law, that, when he informed him of God’s call to leave Midian and lead the Israelites out of Egypt, Jethro said, “Go, and I wish you well” (Exodus 4:18). Later on, after the success of Moses’ venture, his father-in-law came to see him.
“So Moses went out to meet his father-in-law and bowed down and kissed him. They greeted each other and then went into the tent” (Exodus 18:7). It was on this visit that Jethro gave Moses the advice that we discussed earlier. His openness to his father-in-law’s suggestion shows something of the nature of their relationship.
Ruth and Naomi serve as an example of the devotion of a daughter-in-law to her mother-in-law after the death of both husbands. Jesus directed one of His miracles to the mother-in-law of Peter, and she in turn ministered to Jesus (Matthew 8:14-15).
Freedom and harmony are the biblical ideals for in-law relationships. The train of God’s will for marriage must run on the parallel tracks of separation from parents and devotion to parents.
This article comes from the book, Toward a Growing Marriage, written by Dr Gary Chapman, which was published by Moody Press (unfortunately, it is no longer being published).
Filed under: Dealing with In Laws & Parents
I’m having a very difficult time. I’m a Christian mother of three. I haven’t always lived a Christian life, but I have tried always to be a good person and believed in God the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. I just didn’t understand all that It meant.
Now, my current heartbreak…My oldest son is 34. His dad and I divorced when he was 15 months old, so he never knew us together. His dad was abusive in a few ways, and I was young. We both were. His dad was and continues to be very angry with the world, believing it owed him a better life, which he equated with money. Therefore, the child support I received from him was enough for groceries for a week back in 1983, and I never pursued more until his senior year of high school. He also didn’t press to see his son for all those years. It was just here and there.
He remarried, as did I, and had another child…a daughter, and his efforts were focused on the new wife and daughter, whereas I added a brother and sister to my son’s life. Mine were never half siblings. They were brothers and sister…period. He was a great kid all around and never missed his dad, as he and I were incredibly close.
Skip to nine years ago…He was engaged to his eight yr girlfriend, and suddenly met a coworker of mine and his fiancé…spent two weeks away from the fiancé and married the new girl…the very new girl! That was nine years ago. I haven’t seen my son for a single Christmas, and only twice for Thanksgiving since. His wife had created problems at our workplace before, and it seems that since she hasn’t worked a day since marrying my son. She began creating problems within the relationship I had with him all his life. We were so close, and today, his parental respect goes to his primarily absentee father and his wife and daughter. My grandchildren call his dad’s wife “Grandma,” which absolutely breaks my heart. That’s a title given to the mother or either parent. He spends his holidays with them. He doesn’t visit his little brother and or sister.
His dad inherited land and has been very good with his money, and it appears as though someone thinks there is an inheritance there. I’m certain that my son is going to be hurt, but maybe there’s a part of me that feels like maybe he needs a strong lesson. He was a cleancut, good looking, level-headed young man, and changed literally overnight. He’s now covered in tatoos, drinks everyday excessively. There was an incident in their early marriage where his wife fabricated and actually changed a story, from something she said and did (that was wrong), and convinced my son it was me. He believed her.
There is a part of me that says maybe I should just be proud that he is the kind of man that I raised …forgiving, devoted to his wife and children and puts them first, works hard. But there is another side that is so very hurt. I never thought anyone or anything could alter the love that my son and I shared throughout his life. I’ve never not been here for him…but I somehow taught him to respect everyone but me!?!
I’m having a really hard time with my grandchildren barely knowing me, and instead his father’s wife being their “Grandma.” I need some loving, Christian, help/guidance. I am so shocked, bewildered, sad, and yes…angry! My heart is open to realistic suggestions.
(Philippines) Thanks for this article. It made me feel better since I’m struggling about this situation right now. I am 19 and a soon to be a mother. I got pregnant at an early age but never did I regret it when i knew I was pregnant. The father is still studying at the moment and I’m a fresh graduate. I’m having a hard time being in the middle of eveything happening right now. We’re not married but we’re already having a child.
My partner and my partners family have been convincing me that me and my partner should move in together. His family will be the one to support the needs temporarily while my partner is still studying. I don’t know if it’s right to leave home because I’m already having a family of my own.
Don’t get me wrong, I want to get married with my partner soon, but not now. My parents want me to stay under their roof until my partner shows them that he can afford all my needs and the babies needs. But the conditions of my parents and in laws don’t match. I dont know what to do.
Kelly, Since you asked, I will tell you what my prayerful advice would be. Don’t move in together and PLAY like you’re married until you both make the sacred vow before God and to each other to BE married… no matter how much sense it appears to make right now. Don’t let his parents pressure you. Stay with your parents… their advice seems sound. Wait until he and both of you are married and in a better financial place. Your child will have lots of needs that will strain you financially, which will strain your relationship. Make sure you are both fully committed to each other and to making your home one that is healthy and good for this child. God is giving you an awesome responsibility to raise this child in a loving environment where his or her parents are fully invested in each other and to raising this child together.
My parents have been too forthright with parental advice. They are Christian in name only. My wife has decided to tell them that they are not allowed to contact us again. No call, text, email, letter, gift for the grandchild. Even if someone dies, no contact. She considers it adultry and betrayal if I do have contact with them and grounds for divorce. If I tell her that I will honor them and keep lines of communication open, divorce. Should I ignore the 5th commandment to make her happy and keep the family unit together?
Nate, you didn’t say if you and your wife are Christians. If you are I would hope that your wife would examine her decisions through the filter of God’s word. Because if she tells you that if you see, contact your parents it would be “grounds for divorce,” she is acting contrary to scripture. You DO need to set some boundaries with your parents.
Nate, admittedly I don’t know all that has been going on for quite a while, but my guess is this has been building up over time – it didn’t happen overnight. I’m also guessing you haven’t spoken up to your parents and your wife just came to the end of her patience. She was speaking out of anger and frustration. If I were you I would take this to your pastor and talk with him about what he would recommend (as long as your pastor isn’t your parents’ pastor).
This isn’t going to go away if you ignore it. You need to show your wife you are being pro-active in trying to set up healthy boundaries while not cutting them out of your (and your children’s) life. No grandparent deserves this unless they are abusive. I remind you and your wife that as Christ followers we are to “…as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. (Romans 12:18)
I have been trying to be as positive as possible about my marriage to my husband for the last 33 years. When my husband returned from the Navy within three days I was forced to chose between my husband and the people that were his father’s friends and families. I had to choose disruption with the seniority my husband had accrued over nine years under his UAW Contract, and the lives his seniority could disrupt.
Now my husband calls me names like traitor, tramp. B**** and I have to watch as he dismantles traditions and people’s hopes in the process. He wont back down and wait any longer for inclusion in the holidays like Christmas last December. His father offered him $4000 to go anywhere he wanted over the holidays but the only way he would was if I went with our two year old son and cancelled the dinner that many of our friends were traveling 1230 miles to attend. So I thought of a way to not send my husband away for the first time in 33 years letting him have the first Christmas dinner in that time that was not sandwiches at his work gate, being underwater on submarines getting ready to go on watch or taking him his sandwiches when he was in rehab recovering from MRSA in his spine.
The last two years he was up at high range a two day ride from the canyon home. He ate MREs for Christmas because he had been out looking for lost people in a snow storm up there. The year before he was there after I went to have our son on the east coast. I did not come back until January that year. This year he refused to be anywhere else. I handed him his dinner and reduced stress in our house. I told him he had to go out and eat out of the cold wind in the pole barn. I was thinking it was a compromise everyone could live with, instead it nearly got eight people killed after he dumped his dinner in my face and they threw him out of our house on the porch. This time he came back with his rifle, his horse and his lariat – made most of the guests leave including his father hungry… The rest of the evening was spent with everyone scared and my husband deciding he was taking another plate and watching TV with the rifle between his knees.
I know the choice I made in 1985 to keep him from just taking what he wanted as was his right under seniority rules the blackmail and force used to keep him working through every holiday and vacation he wanted; we tried getting him to consider the time between January 2 and February 14th instead of pushing lesser seniority into taking the worst section of the year as he put it to icy to drive too broke to fly after Christmas. There just never seemed to be an agreeable time other wise when he was not stomping on toes to take the holidays and time he wanted until MRSA developed in his spine. Now he doesn’t care who’s toes he stomps on he really wants heads under his heel, and I have nothing to get him to back off after he took what he wanted from me three years ago. Giving me a son.
I just don’t know what I can do now. I want to be forgiven for how he was treated I had always Intended to make up for it some how. Now there is no way to make up for the way he was treated except endure the embarasement, that he’s making us endure.
This is an extremely tough marriage for both of you. It seems that you are both abusing one another & living in such turmoil. You need to join with one another & get professional help somewhere. Hopefully by now, you have, since it has almost been a year, since you wrote for help. GOOD LUCK
I’m fine for the most part with my mother and father-in-law, but my brother-in-law is my problem. I feel as though my husband puts him before me, as well as our children. He has to talk to him 24/7 even though he works with him 5-6 days a week, and if he doesn’t work on the weekend then we have to go see him. Everything we do it feels as though he has to run it by him or let his brother know what we have planned for the day or the weekend.
If one of them doesn’t go to work one day they have to call and tell the other one how it went. If he takes his lunch to work he wants to take something for his brother too. I told him I was going to come have lunch with him one day and he told me to bring enough for his brother. I told him I wanted just him and I to go eat lunch by the water and he said he didn’t want his brother to eat lunch alone.
We went through a miscarriage about 8 months ago and at the same time his brothers wife gave him divorce papers and my husband actually told me that it may seem as though he isn’t paying much attention to me or being there much for me, but he really needs to be there for his brother because he’s really taking this divorce hard. ???? What about me? I just lost a our child. And I didn’t go to the hospital because I went the day before for cramping and there was nothing they could do to stop it they said if it happened. So I sat at home experiencing it day by day for almost a week with no support.
I feel like I’m the only one in this marriage. I’m trying so hard and I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know if I’m overreacting or what. I speak with a therapist and she says I’m justified in my ways of thinking and when I try to talk to my husband he says that I just always want to talk bad about his brother and she’s just telling me what I want to hear because she is a woman too.
I just want my husband back. He wasn’t like this before. He never talks to me. He makes me feel like a burden or a bother. Even little stuff like when I call and he’s watching TV he rushes me off the phone and says I’m interrupting his movie. But if his brother calls he will stay on the phone with him for however long it takes with the movie paused, which is usually 20+ minutes. I’m starting to become bitter and guarded. I want nothing to do with him because I’m hurting. I cry myself to sleep or cry in the shower because I’m trying so hard to make my marriage work, but I feel like I’m pedaling as hard as I can and I’m not getting anywhere. I pray about it night and day.
He’s even talking about leaving to go out of town and work (with his brother, might I add, who told him about the job) 3 states away and on top of that we are expecting our second child in a little less than 4 months. My mind and my heart battle daily. My mind says give up and my heart says no. I love him dearly, but I’ve already been married before to someone who always made sure I knew how little I meant to him and although my current husband would never tell me that, his actions speak otherwise.
In my situation I do not have a choice as my mother’s insurance will NOT cover a facility and she has no other possible caregiver. She is on dialysis and has lung cancer and would be all alone if not for me caregiving. My wife hates her but as I said there are no other options.
Can you pray for my husband who says that he hates our son-in-law? Our son in law is a new convert to Christ and is trying his best to keep calm and loving, in prayer and reading God’s word but my husband hates our son in law more and more each day. I pray and rebuke all evil spirits and my husband thinks that I’m against him when I try to advise that we all need to pray so we can stay together as a family.
My husband already alienated all of extended family, our daughter is pregnant and cries all the time, she doesn’t understand why her dad does not like her husband. Our son in law and our daughter are the only ones working and paying rent, car insurances, all the utilities yet my husband doesn’t appreciate any of the sacrifices that our son in law makes. Please pray for my husband’s deliverance and for my son in law not to give up. Thank You.
Thank you, for your words of wisdom and scriptures to back your words up. It was in due season.
Thank you so much for this article. My son is in the military and married very quickly. At first he said if they had children I could come live near them and help babysit. I love kids. Since then, he has slowly stopped talking to Us. I believe he is married to a manipulative controlling young woman who has a strong dislike for mother figures (she had been abused by her mother). I also wonder if my son took the verse literally. “Therefore a man will leave his mother and father and cleave unto his wife,” therefore deserting his family. He won’t speak to his brother, his uncle or his grandmother either. I sent him a part of this article. I pray that he will realize that family is very important. Just as Jacob brought his entire family (3 generations) into Egypt to be with Joseph. They all stayed together.
I am currently facing a similar situation. My husband has always been very close with his mother and now that we have become financially stable and have a good source of income for our future his mother’s lack of responsibility and neglect to care for herself have come into full affect. This is the 10th time in 11 years that she is about to be homeless and is ALWAYS counting on him/us to rescue her again. I’m all for some of the financial support and helping out to an extent but when it starts taking up a lot of his time, emotional wellbeing and causing damage and stress that comes between us I start opposing things.
We both agreed that it would be a good thing to help (this time), due to her having some medical issues and getting a stent put in. I was more than willing to help take a bit of her burden regarding her once again getting evicted but now it is becoming very excessive and more of an importance and priority to him than his wife and kids. I thought we would only be helping with an RV or motor home or small property with a mobile home for 20k-50k; but no…he is not on that level. He is searching for a home that will cost approximately 150k and wipe out all our savings/money that is actually accessible. To top things off not only is he going to buy her house, now is telling me that I may need to go back to work in order to support the kids and monthly bills and constantly complains about our expenses???
I don’t see how if he is so willing to put out so much money for his mother, but is also willing to sacrifice our stability and security. This is a huge problem to me and it is very hurtful as I am now faced with the burdens of his moms neglect and bad financial choices throughout her life. I now feel like a burden to my spouse and less like his priority. In my opinion my spouse should and will always come first. She also has three other children and they will not help her at all and have stopped enabling her endless pattern. They would literally let her become homeless. They have come to the point that they barely speak because she has continuously done the same thing throughout her life.
She has gone through a lot of money and made a lot of bad choices and unfortunately continues to place the weight and the burden on her youngest son who is my husband. She now uses her health complications to get his attention and keeps telling him that all of her stress is going to kill her. For the better part of the relationship before the actual health problems she would cry wolf about her health and throw up the things that she has provided and given him throughout his life.
Just a little insight We have been together for 11 years…After struggling and busting my butt for years since becoming stable and secure financially you would think that we would be in the most happiest and peaceful place in our lives. I know money could never gaurentee happiness but it should have taken away from our financial stress. Having a home completely paid off and no payments on anything except for the annual taxes and day to day living expense should be a dream come true but I truly feel like everything is falling apart. I know we have money in retirement and stocks but lately I am beginning to feel like myself and the children are no longer his priorities and the money is not “ours” but his.
I’m not sure what to do anymore and every time we approach the conversation regarding his mother and how much is too much it ends in a worse place than it started. He knows and even understands that he will never get anything back from her for this purchase but is CHOOSING to do it even at the expense of our own lives. What should I do?? I don’t want to leave my spouse and I want our life to be in a good place??? Please Help.
God is always the answer or solution to our problems/conflicts. It’s always the best to consult His words first more than anything. I find this very helpful for I have the same situation like any other who had read this article. Thank you very much for spreading and teaching the Word of God! Godbless to you all.
I understand the concept, but this had gone way beyond no profanity. I hate his mother. She calls him secretly at his work desk so I won’t find out. She kept telling him my kids were users when he is the only dad they have known and depend on his help for dad stuff (like car repairs). She delights in finding flaws with me to magnify to him. She said I was all about money and a gold digger (raised 3 babies on my own on 13 thousand a year working 2 jobs). Laughed how of course I would share everything I have, because I didn’t own anything of worth. Wanted to hide his cash in her safe and help him lie about it. Told him she is just supporting his choices. Keeps secret contact and feels the need to talk about our married sleeping habits. Yup beyond turning the other cheek.
She is conniving and soft soaps him so he thinks she is just being motherly. Sorry sister. My grown son is engaged and I don’t want intimate details. My husband is 46. He falls into her trap every time. I’m so angry and resentful that he listens when she told him I didn’t need compliments as I was just insecure. I shouldn’t want to go to the store with him just to get out of the house because that was just crazy. So now I’m in a dead end marriage. Mommy comes first and he will lie to me to secure it. She has him convinced I don’t deserve his time or affection, or being put above himself ever.
I just hate her and the weird bond that he would rather protect than save his marriage. It’s too far gone for both. I nearly left him over this a year ago. But I stayed and hoped he could disconnect from her. Less calls, still weird, still defends her over me. Profanity is all I have left for that woman. I can’t physically protect a marriage he handed her the keys to. No.
I have hung in so long I don’t respect myself anymore. I finished college top of my class this year. Right about finals each time she reared her ugly head altering his behaviour leaving me and this marriage in the cold. She is truly evil. I just can’t continue fighting for a sham marriage while they laugh and plot (not knowing I know) and he waits till I have one foot out the door to say something to make me try again. I’m just so tired, so sad, so alone. I recorded his conversation with her once and made him listen. He was ashamed and cried. But he erased it to protect her, badly bruising my wrists and arm, nearly breaking my finger to grab it from me.
I guess when I first met her and she sprawled him out on her floor to rub his back (first meeting her ever) I figured she was possessing him like a dog peeing on a hydrant. She is evil. Quiet, controlled, oh so sincere evil. I just can’t anymore. He hides an extra phone and lies about talking to her. I just can’t. I want out. I don’t want to feel this way anymore.
Hi, I am so sorry you are married to a man who is married to his mother. The only thing they’re lacking is sexual! He has no respect for you not because his mother doesn’t, but because he has chosen not to respect you. If your husband respected himself, then he would understand the harm he has and is doing to you. If he understood what a man is and the responsibility, then he would know that he has fallen short on many levels.
Your husband needs to sever the apron string from his mother (burn that string, so she won’t try to connect it:). According to the Bible- it is God first, then your spouse, children, then your parents and parents meaning- to honor them (continue to love them, call, visit…yes spend time) but parent (s) are not to cause any harm or come between you and your spouse.
Your husband and his mother are both wrong and if you get divorced it would be because of them and maybe… maybe it is best for you, if he chooses not to put you before his mother. Good luck and God bless you.
I agree wholeheartedly with your article. I do have a scenario that doesn’t quite fit the ideal situation and hence not sure how to maneuver. Sigh. Before I got married at 26, I lived with both parents for approximately 7 years my entire life. My parents divorced and my mother was the custodial parent. My father moved to another country and so our relationship suffered immensely. It wasn’t great to begin with but clearly the divorce was a game-changer. He was hostile, frustrated and verbally abusive and that made communicating with him difficult. I resorted to avoiding calling him until I had to. My mother avoided calling him all-together so I had to relay info to him when necessary.
Life was tense and miserable during this time. No child support…there was always a story about him not having money or working. He missed my high school, university graduation and yes….my wedding. To say my father has broken my heart would be an understatement. Nevertheless, I choose to forgive. Here lies my dilemma: My father is not a believer and remorse is not in his vocabulary at least not that he has shown me. He tends to be evasive and I have caught him in a few lies. I don’t confront out of respect and it is just soo much easier to not call. For soo long when we called each other, I just let him lead the conversation, as my way of respecting and honoring, but the lies and negativity is ridiculous.
I feel confronting him would be disrespectful so when I call, 2-minutes start counting and sure enough the calls ends shortly. I know this sounds bad, but he has told me I am useless and just like my mother and bad things about my mom. Honestly, what else can I do to honor him or considering the situation, is this good enough?
Hi. My problem is I keep on forgiving my in-laws and go to their house with my 3 children; but everytime they do witchcraft and break my marriage, and my husband goes to stay with them and hates us. He spends his money on them and forgets his responsibility; my children are all younger than 5 years and they don’t bother to see them or what they eat. But when my husband is here they pretend they like me and my children. My husband is so blind he can’t see them for who they really are and his mom got her daughter married and staying with her. She loves them. What about my kids? They always lose their dad. Is it fair for him to obey his parents an forsake his wife and kids and think he’s doing right because he’s honouring his parents?
My husband and I have been experiencing some serious marital strife since I discovered his affair in February of this year. He filed for divorce late in March but returned home claiming he was committed to working on our marriage and moving past the affair. He was home for 3 months before returning to this woman and left me again 3 weeks ago. At that point, I decided I couldn’t take anymore – moved in with my parents and filed for divorce.
He has since asked me to postpone our divorce so he can get the counseling he needs from our pastor. He recognizes that his actions have been damaging to our relationship and he will need more time to get back on track. Probably more time than a divorce will take. Additionally, I need more time/ counseling to determine if he has made the changes/progress necessary to reconcile. (Something we didn’t do the first time he came home).
My parents have expressed to me that they would not approve of my choice to reconcile with my husband at this point. However, I’m a firm believer in doing absolutely everything necessary to save a marriage. For better or for worse. I feel strongly that my husband will need A LOT of therapy and individual counseling before he can focus on rebuilding our relationship. So I have compromised at giving him a legal separation. That way, I can continue to protect myself and heal – while still having hope for reconciliation.
How much should my family’s wishes impact my decision? They have seen me in a lot of emotional pain and have heard me say many hurtful things about my husband and our relationship. I understand why they may be against my choice, however I feel like the commitment to my marriage and promise to God is more important than pleasing them. Please help.
Hi Megan, The Bible tells us to “honor your father and mother, so that your days may be prolongued in the land which the Lord your God gives you.” When I was engaged to be married, (now many years ago) my parents vehemently disagreed with my choice of a wife. I had to really dig deep and understand what this verse really means in practice. At the time I was 25 years old, a legal adult, and living on my own. I learned that “honor your father and mother” means (among other things) to “carefully consider” and “weigh” your parents’ position in important matters such as this. I believe God can and does speak through parents (whether they are believers or not). In my situation, I had to agree with their point, so I broke my engagement. Looking back, I can see that that was a very good move.
In your situation, your parents are looking at your husband’s actions…an affair earlier this year, coming home claiming to be committed to you, and then resuming the affair. This in itself is not a good resume for a husband! You do not say whether his affair was emotional only, or also physical. The Bible does talk about divorce in Matthew 5….in connection with adultery. Yes, you made a promise to God, and yes, He knows you want to honor that promise. He also knows that you want to be “doing absolutely everything necessary to save a marriage.” Your parents are of course interested in your best interests, and perhaps you should really consider carefully what they are saying? Pray, ask God for His leading through your parents, and through other channels.
You can certainly go to counseling, and require certain things of your husband such as, having complete access to his phone, computer and other communication tools, to cut off complete contact with his affair partner, to call in periodically, and other things which will help him “toe the line.” It sounds like your idea of a legal separation was a good first step.
When your parents know you have carefully considered their position, and then you have made up your own mind, you and they can be assured that you, and they have done everyting possible to set your course in a good direction.
The following websites may be of interest… the first a the case of the wife having an affair rather than the husband, but the dynamics and outcome are striking! Perhaps the second is closer to your situation? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LQUMFYNe8sk; https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ekq_TXQ7eDM
God is working in your life…one step at a time…Take care…and may God continue to lead you Megan, WP (Work in Progress)
Megan, this is a good site as well…https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IBPUE9wDt1Q – WP