Changing Allegiance From Parents To Spouse

Man with father and mother Photoclub

In Genesis 2:24 we read, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” This principle is repeated in Ephesians 5:31. God’s pattern for marriage involves the “leaving” of parents and the “cleaving” to one’s mate. Marriage involves changing allegiance from parents to spouse. Before marriage, one’s allegiance is to one’s parents, but after marriage allegiance shifts to one’s mate.

Importance of Psychological Break from Parents

It is what the psychologists call “cutting the psychological apron strings.” No longer does the individual lean on his parents, but rather on his mate. If there is a conflict of interest between a man’s wife and his mother, the husband is to stand with his wife. This does not mean that the mother is to be treated unkindly. That is the second principle, which we will deal with shortly. The principle of separating from parents is, however, extremely important. No couple will reach their full potential in marriage without this psychological break from parents.

What does this principle mean in the practical realm? I believe that it suggests separate living arrangements for the newly married couple. While living with parents, the couple cannot develop independence as readily as when living alone. The dependency on parents is enhanced as long as they live with parents.

Living in a meager apartment with the freedom to develop their own lifestyle under God is better than luxurious living in the shadow of parents. Parents should encourage such independence, and the ability to provide such living accommodations should be a factor in setting the wedding date.

Making Spouse Happy Should Take Precedence

The principle of “leaving” parents is also important in decision making. Your parents may have suggestions about many aspects of your married life. Each suggestion should be taken seriously, but, in the final analysis, you must make your own decision. You should no longer make decisions on the basis of what would make parents happy but on the basis of what would make your partner happy. Under God, you are a new unit, brought together by His Spirit to live for each other (Philippians 2:3-4).

This means that the time may come when a husband must sit down with his mother and say,

“Mom, you know that I love you very much, but you also know that I am now married. I cannot break up my marriage in order to do what you desire. I love you, and I want to help you, but I must do what I believe is right for my wife and me. It is my hope you will understand because I want to continue the warm relationship that we have had through the years. But if you do not understand, then that is a problem you must work through. I must give myself to the building of my marriage.”

Importance of Changing Allegiance From Parents to Spouse

…The principle of separation from parents also has implications when conflict arises in marriage. A young wife who has always leaned heavily on her mother will have a tendency to “run to mother” when problems arise in the marriage. The next day her husband recognizes that he was wrong, asks forgiveness, and harmony is restored. The daughter fails to tell her mother this. The next time a conflict arises she again confides in Mom. This becomes a pattern, and before long, her mother has a bitter attitude toward the son-in-law and is encouraging the daughter to separate from him. The daughter has been very unfair to her husband and has failed to follow the principle of “leaving” parents.

If you have conflicts in your marriage (and most of us do), seek to solve them by direct confrontation with your mate. Conflict should be a stepping-stone to growth. If you find that you need outside help, then go to your pastor or a Christian marriage counselor. They are trained and equipped by God to give practical help. They can be objective and give biblical guidelines. Parents find it almost impossible to be objective.

Honor Parents, but Not Above Spouse

The second principle relating to our relationship with parents is found in Exodus 20:12 and is one of the Ten Commandments: “Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you.” It is repeated in Deuteronomy 5:16 and Ephesians 6:2.

The command to honor our parents has never been rescinded. As long as they live, it is right to honor them. In Ephesians 6:1, Paul says, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.” Obedience to parents is the guideline from birth to marriage. Paul’s second statement is, “Honor your father and mother—which is the first commandment with a promise—that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth” (vs. 2-3). Honor to parents is the guideline from birth to death. Honor was the original command and stands forever.

The word honor means “to show respect.” It involves treating one with kindness and dignity. It is true that not all parents live respectable lives. Their actions may not be worthy of honor, but because they are made in the image of God, they are worthy of honor. You can respect them for their humanity and for their position as your parents, even when you cannot respect their actions. It is always right to honor your parents and those of your marriage partner. “Leaving” parents for the purpose of marriage does not erase the responsibility to honor them.

How is this Honor Expressed in Daily Life?

You honor them in such practical actions as visiting, telephoning, and writing, whereby you communicate to them that you still love them and want to share life with them. “Leaving” must never be interpreted as “deserting.” Regular contact is essential to honoring parents. Failure to communicate with parents is saying, in effect, “I no longer care.”

A further word is necessary regarding communication with parents. Equal treatment of both sets of parents must be maintained. Remember, “For God does not show favoritism” (Romans 2:11). We must follow His example. In practice, this means that our letters, telephone calls, and visits must indicate our commitment to the principle of equality. If one set of parents is phoned once a month, then the other set should be phoned once a month. If one receives a letter once a week, then the other should receive the same. The couple should also seek to be equitable in visits, dinners, and vacations.

Holidays Can Get Complicated

Perhaps the stickiest situations arise around holidays —Thanksgiving and Christmas. The wife’s mother wants them home for Christmas Eve. The husband’s mother wants them home for Christmas dinner. That may be possible if they live in the same town, but when they are five hundred miles apart, it becomes impossible. The solution must be based on the principle of equality. This may mean Christmas with one set of parents one year and with the other the following year.

Speak Kindly

To “honor” implies also that we speak kindly with parents and in-laws. Paul admonishes: “Do not rebuke an older man harshly, but exhort him as if he were father” (1 Timothy 5:1). We are to be understanding and sympathetic. Certainly we are to speak the truth, but it must always be in love (Ephesians 4:15).

The command of Ephesians 4:31-32 must be taken seriously in our relationship with parents: “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”

A further implication of honor to parents is described in 1 Timothy 5:4: “But if a widow has children and grandchildren, these should learn first of all to put their religion into practice by caring for their own family and so repaying their parents and grandparents, for this is pleasing to God.”

When we were young, our parents met our physical needs. As they grow older, we may have to do the same for them. If and when the need arises, we must bear the responsibility of caring for the physical needs of our parents. To fail in this responsibility is to deny our faith in Christ (1 Timothy 5:8). By our actions, we must show our faith in Christ and honor for our parents.

Practical Suggestions:

If I could make some other practical suggestions, I would advise you to accept your in-laws as they are. Do not feel that it is your task to change them. If they are not Christians, certainly you will want to pray for them and look for opportunities to present Christ, but do not try to fit them into your mold. You are expecting them to give you independence to develop your own marriage. Give them the same.

Do not criticize your in-laws to your mate. The responsibility of your mate is to honor his parents. When you criticize them, you make it more difficult for him to follow this pattern. When your mate criticizes the weaknesses of his parents, you should point out their strengths. Accentuate their positive qualities and encourage honor.

The Bible Gives Examples

The Bible gives some beautiful examples of wholesome relationships between individuals and their in-laws. Moses had such a wholesome relationship with Jethro, his father-in-law, that, when he informed him of God’s call to leave Midian and lead the Israelites out of Egypt, Jethro said, “Go, and I wish you well” (Exodus 4:18). Later on, after the success of Moses’ venture, his father-in-law came to see him.

“So Moses went out to meet his father-in-law and bowed down and kissed him. They greeted each other and then went into the tent” (Exodus 18:7). It was on this visit that Jethro gave Moses the advice that we discussed earlier. His openness to his father-in-law’s suggestion shows something of the nature of their relationship.

Ruth and Naomi serve as an example of the devotion of a daughter-in-law to her mother-in-law after the death of both husbands. Jesus directed one of His miracles to the mother-in-law of Peter, and she in turn ministered to Jesus (Matthew 8:14-15).

Freedom and harmony are the biblical ideals for in-law relationships. The train of God’s will for marriage must run on the parallel tracks of separation from parents and devotion to parents.

This article comes from the book, Toward a Growing Marriage, written by Dr Gary Chapman, which was published by Moody Press (unfortunately, it is no longer being published).

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Filed under: Dealing with In Laws & Parents

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136 responses to “Changing Allegiance From Parents To Spouse

  1. Me and my boyfriend are about to move in together since it’s less stress for both of us since I am in school and preparing for marriage. The only thing that makes me second guess it all is that his family is financially dependent on him. This makes me question when we have children how are they going to be cared for, how will we save and prepare for retirement so we won’t be in the same situation depending on our children.

    Some have said to wait till after the marriage so I have a right to say something first to try to resolve it. I have brought it up multiple times and he said he going to fix it then next thing you know its another added bill from his family. I want to have a relationship with his parents but this is really putting a bad taste in my mouth. They are both physically able to get second jobs but not willing to. How do you fix this or is it worth it?

    1. Hi Brittney, This article actually pertains to those who are married, but since you are looking to possibly marrying some day, I will address the question you are asking. First off, moving in together is a bad idea. It does not prepare you for marriage, it actually causes more problems if you do marry. I just need to tell you that. All the data shows that it breaks down your relationship if you move in together before marriage. Please don’t put a strike against marriage before you even enter into it. Move in together with both of you FULLY COMMITTED after marrying.

      You ask if it is worth it to work through this issue of your boyfriend. My answer is yes –absolutely, if hoping he will listen, and follow through with what he says he will do. If he won’t, then you know that you don’t have someone who will put your relationship first over his relationship with his parents who are draining him financially. He might SAY things will change after marrying, but they won’t. We see it over and over again.

      You are being given bad advice from those who tell you to “wait till after the marriage” so you will have the “right.” That is dead wrong. If your boyfriend won’t break this bad precedence now, trust me, he will carry it into marriage and then you are stuck with it. You aren’t stuck with this behavior at this point because you aren’t married. NOW is the time to work on these kinds of issues. If he won’t work on it now, he won’t later. He is showing you a taste of your future.

      That “bad taste” in your mouth is actually a red flag that is waving high to warn you that this type of behavior from him and his parents, that will carry over into marriage. If you think that you are already feeling resentful… it will only get worse once you are married and he keeps giving you empty words saying one thing, but never following through. You will resent him, and you will resent his parents. Work through these issues NOW… don’t wait. You can change your mind about marrying into this problem now, but once you enter into the covenant of marriage, you are stuck with this mess.

  2. Hello, I’m at at a loss. I have been married for 11 yrs. This is my second husband. My first passed away leaving me with two teenage boys. My current husband doesn’t have children. He never wanted any. He doesn’t have a relationship with my boys. When I met him I thought it was very nice how he cared for his parents. His parents made him move 850 miles away to get away from bad influences of the small town friends. He had a job waiting for him and he could learn a new skill. I am older by 10 yrs then my husband. I am now 53 and he is 43. So from the beginning I thought my new inlaws would like me, but it was the exact opposite. They expected their son to come home with his tail between his leggs. But instead he fell in love and wanted to get married. They despised me.

    Since we lived so far away it was easy dealing with them. But things have changed. He lost his mother and one month later I lost my father. We have since moved 4 hrs from his dad and 11 hrs from my mother. His dad has made it very clear to me that in no certian terms he will get his son back. He will do what ever it takes to have him move back in with him.. We have been in our new town 1 year now and he has come to visit us twice. I had back surgery 6 months ago. I called to see if he could come up to visit as it is hard for me to sit in the car for that long. He would say yes, only to call later to tell my husband he’s sick… and it could be the big one, he could be gone by a time he gets here. So we hop into the car, get there only to find dinner waiting for us with a smile… Not sick! He has done this many times. And yet again this weekend, he calles telling us he has to have major surgery on his heart. He needs his son.. We hop into the car again, only to find out it’s just a “procedure” to make sure his heart is still ticking like it should be.

    He’s 78 and doesn’t eat well, no exersice, and many years of smoking. But in front of my husband he will act very sick.. when my husband leaves the room he will make snide comments to me and just smile. I tried telling my husband, but he only takes his dad’s side. My husband can’t handle losing his dad. Nobody wants to lose a person they love. But my mother is 800+ miles away from me and has to take care of herself. When it was time for us to move my mother told me you are married and your place is with your husband. Why can’t my father in law say that to his son. Its hard having two aging parents with so much distance between us.

    At this point I’m at a loss as to how to deal with my father-in-law. He is pulling so hard on his son, leave me of course in the same action. I am not in the plan as he puts it. I told him to start dating, he said why should I, I have my son who will take care of me. My husband and I are arguing so much over his dad. This is causing so much stress on me that I am healing slower then normal with my back. I don’t play these childish games. And I’m getting tired of being 2nd fiddle. I feel invisible in my marriage.

  3. I’ve been in a long distance relationship with a man that takes care of his elderly Dad for 2 years. His dad treats him horribly as if he’s his maid. I’m constantly hearing my boyfriend cursing the Dads lack of respect for him. It’s tearing us apart as I feel like I’m losing my grip because it’s the negative arguing and hardly any happy moments for us. I love him but also it’s tearing at my emotions and health. He says he wants to be with me but chooses to stay and be in constant turmoil. I’m not living my life with the man I love and I’m not sure how long this will last.

  4. The Bible also says, “don’t exasperate your children.” My in-laws are used to having their son go along w/whatever they want. We are in our mid forties, newly married (second marriage for us both) and they are very controlling and they don’t want to “Let go.” The catalyst came about once I got angry and raised my voice to them….and understand this can be construed as disrespect, however in this instance, I’m justified in my anger (when I’m wrong, I can admit and apologize – and I realize the fruit of the Spirit includes self control, but at the same time, it’s not healthy to stuff our feelings…it’s not like I swore at or cursed them…it was genuinely letting them know how I felt with my tone of voice at a higher pitch than it ordinarily would be).

    I was friends with “the folks” for years prior to meeting their son and falling in love with him, and now I feel like a total fool since I did not see them for who they really are. He is a kind, sweet, man who wants to please everyone, who is sadly not respected by many in his family, and it is because he want’s to please everyone. He is just now at 46 years old, learning about healthy boundaries. I’m too old, tired, and disappointed as I thought these were fair, reasonable people. Now I just want to be home with the Lord – where there is no more pain,tears and sorrow.

    1. I completely understand your feelings of self worth & how ending it would be the answer, BUT IT IS NOT…
      IF YOU PHYSICALLY HARM YOURSELF TO AN ENDING, IT WILL BE A KILLING & GOD’S COMMANDMENT IS, “THOU SHALT NOT KILL,” You may be forgiven by God, Jesus, IDK, BUT you are also risking your eternal future of being in Heaven, beside our Maker & our Savior.

  5. Hi all, I recently just got married and already I’m finding it a bit of a struggle to progress forward as my husband is a mommy’s boy. It’s got so bad to the point where if I am home alone or she is home alone he will always choose to be with her to keep her company and not me. I see this as wrong that I should come first no matter what but he sees it as him honouring his parents. We live in a little cottage on his parents property, which makes it harder. His mom is continuously in our cottage as soon as my husband comes home, which is compromising our time together. Also his mom knows more about his life than me. Please tell me there is something up there and I’m not being paranoid.

    1. Yes I’m sorry for your circumstances, for I feel I am in your same shoes some what. My boyfriend refuses to leave his parents home & I have called him a mommy’s boy, which iritates him so, BUT he will not be with me in our own place & makes many excuses. Please let your mother in law know that when your husband is home, that she is welcome to visit shortly, because this is your time together as a married couple & you both would like some personal privacy for the 2 of you. ALSO, PLEASE Discuss this with your husband before hand, so as not to create any discomfort on his part, for he does love his mother and doesn’t want to hurt her feelings. Since it’s already creating some turmoil, just understand from all sides that when there are agreements made, things will go smoother. Perhaps help your mother in law find another friend to spend her time with perhaps her own husband, if she be married.

  6. My boyfriend refuses to leave his parents home and become my partner, for his mother buys him many things needed daily & both his parents pay all bills. We have troubled conversations because of him not wanting to become independent with me, so as to start a life of our own, together.

  7. Love this article. I have been married to my husband for 23 years. My mother in law does not know her boundaries in our marriage and my husband refuses to set any. I am the third wheel out. If I go to do something for my mother in law and she does not want to do it and the consequences will affect my family then she just says “I have already talked to my son and we decided to do it another way.” She has threatened to tattle on me when I have not done things she thought were wrong. If she wants to do something she and my husband will make plans and not even share them with me so if I have something I want to do and it is my husbands day off and he has plans with her she will get mad when I tell her we will have to reschedule do to us having plans and your son not letting you know.

    I then ask her what other day would work for her and she says never mind that she will get someone else to do it for her or take her. She has pitted us against each other many times and threatens us with manipulation. I am hurt by my mother in law but even more by my husband. I feel that he has not severed his ties with his mother in many emotional ways and has never made me his true commitment. His mother has lost her husband and now she leans even heavier on him for all she needs and he enables her to keep doing. One instance is she refuses to be alone, she says she cannot handle being by herself in her home. It has been over a year since her husband has passed and we spent alot of time with her and had her to our home even to live with us temporarily. I miss my husband and our life of being together.

    We finally got an emply nest and I cannot even count on him to help me through this emotional time for myself. She never learned to drive so we have to take her everywhere and she wont let it be the days we offer it has to be on her time. My husband keeps saying she is lonely and cant stand to be by herself and enables her to feel this way. I am the one being left by myself in our marriage. I wish I knew more what to do. If you have any article on such please share them . Thanks

  8. Please I need advice. I’ve been married for 2 years, no children. My mother-in-law lives with us (she is single). She is healthy, has couple of degrees but seems like she doesn’t want to work to save up so she can move out. My husband told me she is with us to save up and will move out, but it’s over 2 years and she is still with us. My husband is the only child so they are very close. His father abandoned him since he was a baby, so all he knows is his mother. As soon as he wakes up in the am he is running to the couch to be with his mom. I work all day and all night; on my days off I have a little time to hang out with him, he spends it with his mom instead!

    His mom is like the lady of the house; she cleans, cooks, does everything. Even one time I picked up the broom to sweep, and my MIL told me to put it down. A couple times he told me he doesn’t want me to clean because I don’t clean like his mother. I’m just so hurt. I can go on and on. We are Christians…and guess what..his mother is a pastor!!!! I would think she would know we are newlyweds and we need our own space, but no! I feel like a fifth wheel in my own house! The only thing they need me is to bring in income.

    Well Thats how I feel!!!! I talked to my husband numerous times regarding his mom but he gets upset. He told me he will not abandon his mom; if I want, I can leave! As a Christian I don’t believe in divorce but I’m thinking of separation for awhile. I’m so depressed, and drained. Please I need an advice. I love my husband. Besides the mother-in-law situation, he is a great man but I can’t go on like this.

  9. My wife took my children and left me six months after her mother came to live in our family home. My mother-in-law and I could not get along, and I demanded that she should move back into her own apartment. Shortly thereafter my wife and her mother moved into another house together with the children.

    According to John Gottman and Nan Silver in “The seven principles for making marriages work”: “One of the basic tasks of a marriage is to establish a sense of ‘we-ness’ between husband and wife. The husband must let his mother know that his wife comes first. His house is his and his wife’s house, not his mother’s. He is a husband first, then a son.”
    Unfortunately for me and our children, my estranged wife was a daughter first, then a wife.

  10. Hello, well this is about my mom. I am 26 years and I’ve been married for 2 years going to 3. At first I made the mistake of confiding with my mom mostly everything about my life as married. If I had a problem I would tell her. But recently I realized after so many mistakes, what I’ve been doing wrong to my husband because that is disrespect to him. And I spoke to him asking him to forgive me for putting my mom first above him at times. And I spoke to my mom to tell her that I can’t be talking with her everyday and more than 3 times a day anymore because it’s plain wrong. I have my own family and babies and I can’t do that anymore.

    She cried because she says she has no one to talk to. But I mean she has my dad and my other brother and sister. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to be rude to her. But she still calls me everyday or texts. Is it rude if I don’t reply or what should I do? All I want is space because she would get too much into out things and she would come over too much sometimes. Thank you!

    1. Yuri, This is a tough situation, but it’s an important one. This is not rude; it’s putting your priorities in order –ones that should have been established long ago. If she doesn’t understand this, then this is not your fault. It’s hers; she should know better. Eventually, she will be less dramatic and actually work on getting a life outside of pushing herself into yours more than she should. Hold your ground. Be kind, but firm. Keep letting her know you love her, but you have to focus on your marriage and raising your family. You don’t have as much time available as she has. She will get the time from you that you can give… but it can’t be as much as it was before. This is a sad truth, but an important one to establish. With time, this situation will improve if you don’t compromise on this priority.

      I’ve had to do this with my grown sons and their families… most any healthy parent does. Your mom (and your kids, watching you) will fit into this healthier lifestyle eventually. I pray strength and wisdom for you.

    2. There is nothing tough about the situation. God forbid, but imagine that you are dead. Your mother who could not do without you will thrive. So then, do not succumb to the emotional blackmail. She had enjoyed or messed her youth with her husband. Why should you not enjoy yours? This is the period you need to build strong ties with your husband, and she wants to weaken it by overly fusing over your marriage, stockpiling your youthful mistakes for use against you in future. Respect your mom but adore and cherish your husband. If this is not acceptable to her, you know you have a problem. Nip it in the bud and enjoy.

  11. I love this article! I wish that my mother-in-law would read it. My husband and I have been together for 15 years. My MIL did not like me from the beginning because I was divorced with 3 kids and 11 years older than my husband. She was determined that she was going to split us up. It does not help that she suffers from mental health problems that are not being properly treated. She constantly accuses me of stealing from her, breaking into her home, telling people that she is on drugs, poisoning her and her grown children, and the list goes on and on.

    She will treat me one way when my husband is around and another when he is not. She did that until he heard her doing that one day while he was on the phone with me. Now that he knows what she does, when he confronts her about something she tells him that I brainwash him and that I have blinded him to the truth. She will call and leave me voice mails where she is screaming at the top of her lungs demanding that I bring her stuff back that she thinks I have taken. It has gotten to where I don’t want her around and I don’t want to even look at her, because I am so mad. It makes it even harder that she cannot be reasoned with because of her state of mind.

    I am not leaving my husband, and he is not going anywhere either. It is just so hard to deal with someone that will not let her son go. One day she told me that he may be my husband, but he is her child and that I can never take him away. I tried to explain to her that one, he may be her son, but he is not her child anymore. Two, the relationship that I have with my husband is completely different from the one that she has with him and that there is no competition. But she still sees it that way. I really wish that I could have a normal relationship with her, but the way that she is I fear that will never happen.

  12. I have only been married a few months and the relationship between myself, my wife, and my mother has only gotten worse. My mother, without realizing it, has cultivated a culture in the family that is very controlling and manipulative. She’s a good woman who’s constantly serving others and genuinely wants the best for people, but somehow she has become an enemy to my wife and to our marriage.

    My mother now feels alone and abandoned by me and has mentioned thoughts of suicide because she feels my wife has manipulated me to do so, which couldn’t be farther from the truth. My father expects me to “step down from my pedastal and do something” about my mother’s unstable, emotional state, but I am at a loss as to what I can or even should do at this point. How can I explain to a depressed, suicidal, yet extremely manipulative mother that I still love her but she’s no longer the focus of my life and I do not feel, nor want to be obligated to her like she would like me to be? And how can I help my wife understand that having a better relationship between us will come as the apron strings are truly and healthily cut?

    1. Alex, you have a difficult situation on your hands to say the least. You seem to be on the right track as far as knowing that what your mother is doing is unhealthy, but I can well understand why you feel conflicted. As a mom of grown sons, I can also understand how she feels. But she needs to get a grip and realize that when you married, she can no longer in the same place in your life as she was before. It’s just not healthy. You are to still love her, but your wife MUST come first. You married your wife, not her. Your mom has a husband, and it isn’t you. She is not your responsibility. It is healthy that you put your wife in that place. Your mom is putting you in a bad place by manipulating you as she is.

      Is there any chance that she is going through menopause? If so, that only complicates the situation because her emotions can go all over the place.

      It sounds like your mom needs to go to counseling to find the new “normal” that is to come when a son or daughter marries. It’s not your responsibility to make it happen for her. She (and your dad) needs to find that place in life. Please hang in there Alex. Don’t compromise –love, love, love her, but put your wife first and let your mom know that even though you love her, you cannot give her first place in your life anymore. You are married, and it is healthy that you build your life with your wife taking first human priority in your life.

      And if you ever have children, they will have to come above your mom, as well. You AND your wife want your mom in your life… but it needs to be done your way, not hers. Be gentle, but firm. Be affirming, but don’t allow yourself to be manipulated. When (if) you have children, the same will eventually have to be done for them. That’s all a part of what happens after marrying. I pray you are able to get this across to your mom. Her instability is her fault, and responsibility, not yours. You appear to be on the right track. Please don’t go backward and let your mom rule your life. She doesn’t appear to be able to even take responsibility for her own. She needs help if she isn’t able to get a grip on this new reality and “new normal.”

  13. I’m married for 5 years and have 2 sons. After 6th months of Marriage my husband told me that he just obeyed his parents to marry me as all the wedding preparation are set up. Every time we had arguments this issue came up. I want to leave him because of thinking that he was just forced to marry me and realized that’s the reason I don’t feel he loves me as well as my sons although he gives his financial obligation to us. Please advise me.

  14. Please I need advice. I’m 30; my fiancé’s parent have refused us getting married especially his mother. I truly do not know what the issue is. Before it was because we were not from the place/tribe. Then it move to the reasoning that I am looking too proud. Then it moved to I am going to control him in marriage, and then to I don’t like her. There are so many unnecessary reasons. This woman in question has never given me the little opportunity to even get close to her. But the most painful part is she said I am too good to be true like over the years. It hurt so bad because I don’t understand what it means.

    To the son, he has always stood by me. He never let go of what we share even though because of his refusal to do their biddings they have deprived him his right, etc. He is really going through tough times now… I must say I love and care about him so dearly I don’t see it happening without him. But it hurts to see him go through this because of me. What do I do? Please I need an urgent response please.

    1. Dearest Millicent, How I love your heart towards this man. And how I wish there were an easy solution to this problem. But there isn’t one. Please know that this is not your fault. This is not because of you… this is because he has a controlling family –his mother in particular. I understand that much of this is a cultural thing, but it is truly unbiblical. And when something is unbiblical, you are to go God’s way, instead of the way of culture. As far as what you can do about this, I’m not sure there is much you can do about it. That is because it is not about you, but about them. If you were not in the picture, and he had another girl, they would do the same. They just don’t want to let go. They don’t want to let go of their ultimate control over their son. They want to be #1, even over God (because even God says to put the other spouse first over any other human being; and they obviously don’t want to do what God says).

      This is what you are facing: if you continue to be in your fiancé’s life and eventually marry him, you will be plagued by their demands for as long as they are alive. They will find different ways to hound you and work to destroy any type of meaningful place you have in their son’s life. If one way doesn’t work, they will try another way, and then another and then another. THEY want total control and THEY want you to either leave the picture or be humbled as lowly as it is possible under their dictatorship of their son’s life. Again, this is not about you; it is about them and the view they have of the importance they should hold in their son’s life. If you have children, your children will suffer from this control too. It will enrage and also break your heart.

      You will have little say UNLESS your fiancé has the courage to stand up to them and continue to stand up to them. This will most likely involve him turning his back on them unless they will work with the two of you and not against you. He would not be doing this out of spite, or disrespect, but out of necessity because they are totally out of control. Most likely he would have to move away from them. And all of that would be sad. It is SO sad to have to do this but they would not be giving him any other choice. It appears that they see him as their slave son and you (or any other woman) would be even lower than that.

      I would talk to my fiancé and decide upon a plan to confront them as a united couple. I would try to reason with them as to how much you both want to honor them, but you cannot go along with this type of controlling behavior. If they don’t reason with the two of you then you have a HUGE decision to make. Do you still decide to marry or not? Marrying would mean that you would take on a constant barrage of negativity and attempts to control you and him (and children, if you have any) for the rest of their lives. That is a HUGE price to pay for years and years ahead. Do you move away from his controlling family? That would seem to be the most logical choice if you do decide to marry against their wishes. They won’t go away and won’t stop this type of behavior. That’s just the reality of what you are facing.

      Millicent, I wish I could be more positive about this. I WANT to give you a better solution. I LOVE for families to be together in supportive, loving ways. But I’ve seen this scenario played out over and over and over and over again. I can’t even start to tell you the woes I’ve heard from those who marry and they don’t stand united to fight the invasive parents and in laws. It’s so very sad. The heartache and the stress continually keeps rising and rising to new levels. I would hate that for you and for your fiancé. But I can tell you that he will have to battle this with or without you, or he will have to submit like a lowly puppy and take the emotional beatings and submit every time he turns around for the rest of their lives. For someone on the outside looking in, this is easy to see how it will turn out this way. My heart goes out to both of you. You have a lot to prayerfully consider… A LOT!!! I pray wisdom for you and God’s help.

  15. I have been dating the same guy for over three years now. I am divorced but waiting on the annulment procedure from the Catholic Church. He wants to marry me and spend the rest of our lives together. My issue is that he currently lives with his mother and he made a promise to his dying father to take care of his mother. To him families are unconventional today and he insists that his mother would be living with us. I also have a 17 year old son. My first marriage didn’t work out because my ex husband claimed I couldn’t leave my parents… we did live 4 homes away…not in the same house. I want to spend the rest of my life with him but not his mother. She’s in her mid 60’s and I can’t imagine that she would want to live with her son as a married husband. Any advice would be super appreciated before I would even consider this relationship.