What do you do when a child is born because one spouse had an extramarital affair? How do you handle the betrayal AND the birth of a child as a result of one partner cheating on another?
These are questions we receive here at Marriage Missions, and they’re very, very tough ones!
As we address this issue, please be very prayerful as you read what we are sharing with you. Every situation is different. And for this reason, what you do, may need to be different for you, than for other people in a similar situation. Allow the Holy Spirit to be your Wonderful Counselor. Pay attention to how specifically He guides you, in light of what others may tell you and what you read here. But above all, make sure you follow God’s ways, above mans.
We will offer some things here for you to consider. Pray, read, and glean through what you read to apply what you believe God is telling you to use in your life. There are a few things that are for sure. Then there are things that will be written, that will be basic counsel, which you can take or leave.
With the Affair These are MUSTS:
The cheating has to stop. The lies have to stop.
God did not create us to lie and cheat on each other. He hates actions which demonstrate unfaithfulness.
“Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. Because of these, the wrath of God is coming.
“You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator” (Colossians 3:5-10).
Each day can bring a new beginning.
And whether you and your spouse decide to reconcile or not, it is time for everyone to start living in Truth.
“Come back to your senses as you ought, and stop sinning; for there are some who are ignorant of God —I say this to your shame” (1 Corinthians 15:34).
“Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully, for we are all members of one body” (Ephesians 4:25).
There is a child who is now involved in an affair that started in sin.
Yet the child is completely innocent. The Bible says that children are “a gift from God.” And they are. Even if they were conceived because of a situation that was not pure or a situation that was hurtful, this child is created in the image of God and should not be treated as if he or she is lesser of a human being. Jesus Himself, showed how He valued children as a priority and a blessing, and so should we.
“See that you do not look down on one of these little ones. For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father in heaven.” (Matthew 18:10)
The following is advice, which we consider to be sound, given by Dr Phil McGraw (from the Dr Phil Show), to a man who was having difficulty in accepting a child who was born because of his spouse’s affair.
Prayerfully consider what he advises:
“Don’t let your feelings about the affair reflect on your treatment of the child. The child is innocent, and had nothing to do with the actions of your partner.”
“Though it may be difficult, don’t withhold affection from the child. By keeping the child at arm’s length, you are punishing him for something he didn’t do.”
“Give yourself permission to own your feelings. Having feelings of anger doesn’t make you the bad guy in this situation. It’s painful to deal with an affair, and when that affair results in a child who becomes part of your life, you may feel like everything is being dumped on you.”
You need to do what you can to work through the stages of grief, anger and mourning, because the changes that have come upon your marriage, as a result of infidelity.
Additional Help
On the Marriage Missions web site, we have provided many articles, testimonies, suggested resources and web site links that you can take advantage of, to help you on this difficult journey. But we pray that, whatever you do, you will work to keep your feelings from “punishing” the child in some way.
As a matter of fact, here is a video that is quit profound in the message given on this issue. Bob and Audrey Meisner is interviewed, concerning her affair. But in this particular video they center on the child who is born as a result of the affair. I STRONGLY encourage you to watch what they have to say about it:
There are so many issues to work through when a child comes as a result of an affair. And it’s not possible to cover them all in an article such as this. But we have provided for you below, a couple of links to different web site articles, which you can read through to give you additional information to pray about. We hope they will help you to make wise decisions for the future of your relationship, as well as the child’s role in your lives.
Prayerfully Consider
You may or may not agree with the entire content given in each article. We personally don’t agree with everything in the first article listed below. But please prayerfully consider what is written and glean what you believe God would have you do. Don’t use what you feel is contrary to God’s will for your life.
First, we encourage you to read the following linked article posted on the Marriage Builders web site, written by Dr Willard Harley:
• WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU (or Your Spouse) BECOMES PREGNANT
Another article can be found on the Beyond Affairs web site, written by Anne Bercht. Please click onto the link below to read:
• WHEN THERE IS A CHILD FROM AN AFFAIR
And finally, the following is a Youtube interview, aired on a CBN broadcast. Bob and Audrey talk of her affair and how it led to a child being born, as a result:
• A WIFE’S BETRAYAL – Bob and Audrey Meisner
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.
If you can give additional insights to help others, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
Filed under: Childrens Effect on Marriage Surviving Infidelity
The situation where a child is born out of adulterous behavior with a married man or woman destroys trust. It is a betrayal between the married people until God calls the two. It is a situation likened to a bitter pill that is difficult to swallow. The presence of the baby gives everlasting memories of a cheating husband. It will be like the husband cheats everyday. Remember that when a husband is into adulterous acts there will not be joy in the marriage. The results of the causes of the lack of joy experienced in the home during the acts of adulterous will now be seen (a baby) in real-life and to be considered part of the family,it is really tough!Oh God forbid. It will be worse when one partner never cheated. It will be so hurting and unbearable. May the Almighty grant people the serenity to accept the situations that they cannot change. AMEN.
I have been married for 33 years. We have three children as husband and wife. He has kept the secret of an illegiitimate child from an adulteress affair from me for 26 years. He states that he didn’t want to break up our family so he kept the secret from me. In addition, he has had numerous affairs after the birth of this child. Right now I am at the end of my rope! I’m
devastated about all this. We are going to start counseling and I hope it truly works because I’m at wit’s end. It may be selfish but I’m praying that God takes his life before mine. I’m not only embarrassed for this minister but I have thoughts of my inadequacy.
I understand, and feel the same way you do. My kids know nothing about this illegitimate child. My husband has not learned anything from this. I feel like God is punishing me for his sins. He feels because he provides he can do what he wants to and when he wants to. We have two teenagers. He continues to lie about everything – that is unnecessary.
In most cases the woman involved in child bearing with your husband does it intetionally to create a permanent bond. And if you keep quiet this will repeat over and over again – hence more pain. You need to embark on a serious prayer journey for total distraction of the outside relationship.
Hey Angie, I’m not sure you will see this but it’s worth a shot. In 2015 when my “husband” Facebook messaged me that he wanted a divorce & he was happy with his new woman; I was a different woman. I say “husband” because it was craftily scribed with tones and words that were obviously not him. She admitted later in the exchange that it was her writing but it was his thoughts beside her.
Regardless I was a wretched girl; we had been separated and just a mess. I was drinking all the time and had a horrible, spiteful, prideful mouth with a religious spirit. I did NOT respond in a Godly manner and looking back, I know my husband wasn’t really gone, I was just so blind. He is good natured & naive, very impressionable because he believes people are genuine and doesn’t see the bad side of people the way some of us do.
Anyways because of my loaded soap box reply, touting a resume of my husband and my growing up in church together being unmatched and how she wasn’t anything special, just another name on his list, she got pregnant within the next 4 weeks. That was in January of 2016. I didn’t know she was a new ager & used tarot cards but hindsight.
In the last 4 years the Lord has radically redeemed my life after many desolate & low years. I am a true follower of Christ now!!! I can’t believe how far He has brought me sometimes!!! I have suffered to the point of attempted suicide but GOD!!! I’ve been in a journey of healing and deliverance but the spirit of fear has kept me quiet. He never wrote me after that and they had a second child. Her third child. He has walked away from God all of these years, wanting to please her, she hates Christianity and Jesus.
Long story short- he contacted me in December and expressed wanting to restore our marriage and his relationship with God. The past 9+ months have been a roller coaster of come and go. I went from divorce to fervent apologies and please don’t give up on me. I forgave him a long time ago and I want his two sons to be children redeemed by the blood of the Messiah!! I pray for them and for their mother and I try to keep my heart in check and not take this spiritual battle as personal rejection.
The most important thing is my husband’s place in eternity and his son’s lives for Christ. I know it isn’t going to be easy but I love them. I haven’t even seen my husband since 2015. Sometimes I feel like I’m the other woman praying for the breakdown of a family. He lives shameless with an audience of all of our old church friends and no one sees the situation truthfully. He admitted he lied to his parents about me. This is too long I’m sorry, I was just wondering if you could point me to any resources that would be insightful for my situation. ALL OF THAT for that little question haha oh boy. Anyways thank you and GOD BLESS YOU & your household!!! He is GOOD!! 🕊🕊♥️♥️🕊♥️🕊♥️🕊🩸🩸♥️🕊🕊🩸🩸🩸♥️♥️🔥🕊🕊🕊🕊🕊🕊🕊🔥🕊
My husband cheated on me and has a son, which is 4 years old. We have two baby girls together, which are 5 and 1. Now I found out everything from his mistress plus a DNA result, plus child support. And he admits it. Right now I feel like leaving and the other part feels like staying. For my kids sake I am really confused. Please help me.
Don’t leave. We are praying for you that this is your home. Make it your home and welcome him and forgive because you want heaven. Please, it is not easy, we know. We feel what you’re going through. May God alone heal your hurting soul. We love you sister.
My husband cheated and became incolved with a girl when we had only been married for four years. He was in the Air Force and I was not with him at the time. I found a note, assumed it had only been a one time encounter; it had not. I was uneducated, had a child and no way to support myself. She became pregnant, told him in a letter because he had been sent overseas. Said he did not believe her, denied the child, said child was told around age 11, said she sent letter when in 20’s….husband did not get letter; she waited til she was 45 years old to find him on FB, she knew his name all along. I don’t feel like I owe her anything. I don’t care if he has a relationship with her but I don’t want her included in family functions with my children. She does not need a step mother.
I had been married for about 5/6 years when I’d discovered my husband was cheating. He said it was a mistake and not sexual and wanted to reconcile. I forgave and we moved on, only to discover another 12 years later that he’d been in an another affair with a fornicator and had fathered a daughter who was 5 years by then. Now that child is 7/8 years, his mistress traumatized both myself and my daughter to such an extent that I chose to divorce the lying adulator. He was unremorseful and painted me as a violent abusive psychotic wife to family and friends when he was caught.
Six months after I divorced him he married the fornicator, and she continues to abuse us at all opportunities. He has allowed this woman to degrade a wife and child. How does one forgive? I am a Christian and this person had decided to give his life to the Lord, baptized yet he lives in sin daily. How does God allow this sick lifestyle of adultery, alcohol and other addictions to continue without punishment? I now question my faith.
Well, Here goes nothing…I am looking for the best advice in the world right now. My wife of 1 yr recently had our first child in 2016. We went through some things as far as her quitting her job without notice and more – I got caught with a few text messages and stopped immediately did not step out of boundaries on my wife. She then had to leave because our living situation changed and we didn’t have any family where we resided at the time so her only choice was to move back home with her mother. All the while my wife’s side is under the impression I just kicked her to the curb and that isn’t the case. WE HAD NO PLACE TO GO, and I just started a GREAT JOB. It was senseless to pack my things and go and I wouldn’t be able to do for my family.
I was there for the birth of my son and there every chance I can get. I want my wife and I Love her with all my soul. But I made a big mistake, got drunk one night and slept with a girl and now she is claiming to be pregnant. Since I’ve been feeling suicidal because this was an honest mistake to the point I do not even remember sleeping with this woman. The young lady said she is doing this for her own personal reasons. Now I feel stuck in something that will end my marriage and I wont be able to raise my son let alone see him. I will have to allow another man to be seen as his father and more and just typing this and the thought of anything like that is killing me on the inside every day.
Mind you my wife is in another state; I do not know what to do. I hope and pray someone can help me because I am also not sure if this young lady is being positive about it being my child due to her having a past of being promiscuous. I really hope someone can guide me before it’s too late.
First, I pray that you will end your suicidal thoughts immediately. Harming yourself or others is never a good answer to a problem no matter how serious that problem may be. You cannot live your marriage based off what others may or may not think. You and your wife know the reasons for your current living arrangement. So let it be at that. Now, I’m not going to tell you that what you did was very wrong by getting intoxicated, and having sexual relations outside of your marriage. I’m sure you already know this was very wrong. So what now? Come clean to your spouse. Prayerfully she will forgive you for your indiscretion, and remain married to you. It may be that you haven’t fathered a child outside of your marriage, a dna test at the appropriate time will provide that answer. Meanwhile, remain strong and live your life righteously despite all the obstacles you are currently faced with. In doing so, everything will eventually pan out.
I too am a married woman whose husband had a child while we were on break and it crushed me. Still don’t know what to do. We have introduced our children to the now 2 year old; theres no paternity proven yet and my husband feels bad about not being there for the child. What steps do we take to get through this?
I think before the family get too attached make him take a DNA. It will be for the best. As for making the marriage work if he has truly stopped his sinful ways then give him a chance. If he has not changed his ways ask God to give you strength to move on. It will be hard to look at another child he made and it’s not yours. Also please let him know you are the “wife” and he shall not cater to the needs of the other woman but only make sure the child, if it is his child, is taken care of.
I need help. I dated someone and she got pregnant. I pay for support till the husband knows. Now she took the baby with her husband.
Immy, I’m not sure what help any person can give you. You HAVE to let this woman and her husband work this out. If they won’t let you into the baby’s life, then you need to back away. As sad as this is, this is the way it may need to be done. She is married to someone else –not you. She needs to go with her husband and prayerfully, they will rebuild their life together in a stronger way than ever before. This baby may be a part of your life, or not. But you should not interfere in this woman’s marriage anymore no matter what. She is not yours to have; she never should have gone outside of the marriage in the first place, and you should not have interfered in her marriage. I know these words sound harsh, but they are true. I’m not trying to be harsh here, but real. Hopefully, this baby can be raised in a stable, loving home.
Please pray for me. My husband is having an affair and I just found out she is pregnant. They’ve been together for four months; it all started when I left my husband for a month do to my husband addiction. I thought if I left he would shape up. He really believed I was never coming back and so did I. He’s very verbally abusive and things were getting hard. But I came back and he keeps saying he’s going to end it but keeps going back and now she’s pregnant. She’s not allowed to have any more kids; she gets them taken away right away after they are born because of the drugs she does and now she don’t know if she can keep it. If the doctor tells her no because of her health she has a lot of strokes.
Please pray for me to be directed and guided by the Lord and to give me strength. Awhile back, two years ago in church the pastor said my breakthrough I’ve been praying for years about my husband to be free from addictions and our marriage restored and there was two other times another prayer said your breakthrough is here. I keep trying to go backto what God said my breakthrough is here but more and more stuff keeps happening. I don’t know what to say to my husband he had me leave to his sisters and he’s with her he said he’s scared I’m going to leave him because there’s no future with her but he’s always with her every night a few days at a time. He keeps saying it ended and goes back and forth and that he needs to get his self straightened out because of the baby. I pray I can hear God in the middle of the storm.
Love the child. Pray for the child. Give up the man he is not worth your time
My husband of 40 years fell in love with a very young woman. He is hiding the baby and the affair from me. He is 60 and wanting me to stay with her. This was not his first affair; this has gone on for years, he just fell in love with this woman. Help! Should I stay or go?
I have been married for 22 years and my husband decided to give up his job to start a business in Africa. We prayed about it and informed the children of our plans. He went and with full support of me and the children along with my family he was able to settle. I worked full time and was studying and was responsible for four beautiful children that God gave us. Thanks be to the almighty God for his invisible hands over us. Regrettably, my husband started giving me pressure with money. Me looking after the children and our mortgage and the bills. Working myself tirelessly.
His business started to blossom and I started having unusual dreams and I pray trusting and believing in my husband. I shared my dreams that I believed that he is cheating on me. I dreamt about a lady pregnant by him. He lied to me about it. He told me that “you had been really there for me” you mean the world to me and nothing can change that. I continue loving him. A lot of times I am unable to reach him on the phone. He will ring me and informed me that the network is really bad.
He came from Africa to England and he was having nightmares calling a lady’s name and I woke him up and we pray together and in the morning, I explained to him about my feelings and the way he is doing. He will run to the toilet downstairs to make a phone call. He is locking his phone and the children are not allowed to play games on his phone. He used to inform me about our business back home and update the account and showed me all the information about the business. All stopped. I am a woman of God and I believe in Christ. I am really in the middle of nowhere at the moment. Please kindly pray with me as I need divine intervention from above. Please what can I do?
Sola, I believe in my heart that God is warning you that something is wrong with this situation with your husband. If your marriage is going to have any type of chance of surviving in the future, you need to live together. I don’t know if you should go there or he should come back to where you are, but someone needs to make the move. Stubbornness in not doing this could cost you your marriage. It needs to be done for the sake of your marriage, your relationship, and your children having a whole, healthy home to live in.
There is too much secrecy going on. And when secrecy starts to rear its ugly head, destruction is not too far behind. This is not only a marriage problem but there is a spiritual battle going on and your husband is the target. He needs to wake up and realize that he is being played by the enemy of our faith. He may have given in, in the past, but he doesn’t have to keep entertaining the enemy–hurting you (and your children if there is a broken or unhealthy home) and especially hurting God in the process.
Please read the following article to clarify secrecy and privacy, in case your husband tries to tell you that he has a right to his privacy: https://marriagemissions.com/privacy-vs-secrecy-marriage/. Also, read the articles that God tells you to, that we link to (through pictures) below that article where it says, “More from Marriage Missions.” I believe you will find them very informative and helpful.
Your husband is heading (and it sounds like he has been there for a while) down a slippery slope where you both will be living in the valley of regrets. Yours will be because of the consequences of what he is doing. You may still be able, with God’s help to redeem the darkness that is already invading your marriage. But please don’t wait. Please pray about this and listen very carefully to what God is telling you. This is very, very important.
I cannot believe anyone is counting on Dr. Phil for sound Christian advice. He is not saved by his own admission. He attends a big fancy church for publicity. Whoever is at the helm better get it right with God as in 2 Timothy 2-15; and yes every word of God is good, profitable and the way of the true Child of The King!
Sandra, We’re not telling people that all that Dr Phil says is the gospel. As a matter of fact, we tell people to pray about ANY advice that human beings give–whether they are Christians or not. There are many Christians that give horrible advice–very ungodly. We look at each statement that is given. If it is good advice that lines up scripturally (even if they aren’t a Christian) then we pass it along. Here is a link to an article that we wrote on that principle: https://marriagemissions.com/applying-gleaning-principle-human-advisers/.
So no, we are not holding Dr Phil up on a pedestal saying that all of his advice is as sound as the Word of God. That would be foolish. No human being holds that wisdom. But Dr Phil does say some things that can be helpful. Those are the statements that we use, none other. I hope this clears up this matter. God bless!
You dat all of God’s,Word is not to be repeated yet trust a total Reprobate. I’be watched him blaspheme the name of God and his buddy is Oprah who openly states that Jesus is not the only way to Heaven. Someone is not reading their Bible.
I am the father that had an affair 17 years ago and had a child. It broke my wife’s heart. And now I am in the same situation. The child is 8 years old. I don’t know how she is going to take another heart break and I feel miserable about this. I feel like I just want run and hide under a rock and disappear, but I am not that kind of person. I love my wife and do not want to lose her and family. I need help; desperate and for my family. Please advise.
Stop cheating maybe… Also, a good rule of thumb is wrapping it before you tap it. Anyways hopefully you get it figured out. Man lets all pray for him.
I agree… we need to pray for him, but especially for her and the children involved.
Why hasn’t anyone said here that Satan and demons want people to have children without getting married first? This is a problem that is far too commonplace and would not need to be in North America if more people put God first in their lives.