What do you do when a child is born because one spouse had an extramarital affair? How do you handle the betrayal AND the birth of a child as a result of one partner cheating on another?
These are questions we receive here at Marriage Missions, and they’re very, very tough ones!
As we address this issue, please be very prayerful as you read what we are sharing with you. Every situation is different. And for this reason, what you do, may need to be different for you, than for other people in a similar situation. Allow the Holy Spirit to be your Wonderful Counselor. Pay attention to how specifically He guides you, in light of what others may tell you and what you read here. But above all, make sure you follow God’s ways, above mans.
We will offer some things here for you to consider. Pray, read, and glean through what you read to apply what you believe God is telling you to use in your life. There are a few things that are for sure. Then there are things that will be written, that will be basic counsel, which you can take or leave.
With the Affair These are MUSTS:
The cheating has to stop. The lies have to stop.
God did not create us to lie and cheat on each other. He hates actions which demonstrate unfaithfulness.
“Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. Because of these, the wrath of God is coming.
“You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator” (Colossians 3:5-10).
Each day can bring a new beginning.
And whether you and your spouse decide to reconcile or not, it is time for everyone to start living in Truth.
“Come back to your senses as you ought, and stop sinning; for there are some who are ignorant of God —I say this to your shame” (1 Corinthians 15:34).
“Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully, for we are all members of one body” (Ephesians 4:25).
There is a child who is now involved in an affair that started in sin.
Yet the child is completely innocent. The Bible says that children are “a gift from God.” And they are. Even if they were conceived because of a situation that was not pure or a situation that was hurtful, this child is created in the image of God and should not be treated as if he or she is lesser of a human being. Jesus Himself, showed how He valued children as a priority and a blessing, and so should we.
“See that you do not look down on one of these little ones. For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father in heaven.” (Matthew 18:10)
The following is advice, which we consider to be sound, given by Dr Phil McGraw (from the Dr Phil Show), to a man who was having difficulty in accepting a child who was born because of his spouse’s affair.
Prayerfully consider what he advises:
“Don’t let your feelings about the affair reflect on your treatment of the child. The child is innocent, and had nothing to do with the actions of your partner.”
“Though it may be difficult, don’t withhold affection from the child. By keeping the child at arm’s length, you are punishing him for something he didn’t do.”
“Give yourself permission to own your feelings. Having feelings of anger doesn’t make you the bad guy in this situation. It’s painful to deal with an affair, and when that affair results in a child who becomes part of your life, you may feel like everything is being dumped on you.”
You need to do what you can to work through the stages of grief, anger and mourning, because the changes that have come upon your marriage, as a result of infidelity.
Additional Help
On the Marriage Missions web site, we have provided many articles, testimonies, suggested resources and web site links that you can take advantage of, to help you on this difficult journey. But we pray that, whatever you do, you will work to keep your feelings from “punishing” the child in some way.
As a matter of fact, here is a video that is quit profound in the message given on this issue. Bob and Audrey Meisner is interviewed, concerning her affair. But in this particular video they center on the child who is born as a result of the affair. I STRONGLY encourage you to watch what they have to say about it:
There are so many issues to work through when a child comes as a result of an affair. And it’s not possible to cover them all in an article such as this. But we have provided for you below, a couple of links to different web site articles, which you can read through to give you additional information to pray about. We hope they will help you to make wise decisions for the future of your relationship, as well as the child’s role in your lives.
Prayerfully Consider
You may or may not agree with the entire content given in each article. We personally don’t agree with everything in the first article listed below. But please prayerfully consider what is written and glean what you believe God would have you do. Don’t use what you feel is contrary to God’s will for your life.
First, we encourage you to read the following linked article posted on the Marriage Builders web site, written by Dr Willard Harley:
• WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU (or Your Spouse) BECOMES PREGNANT
Another article can be found on the Beyond Affairs web site, written by Anne Bercht. Please click onto the link below to read:
• WHEN THERE IS A CHILD FROM AN AFFAIR
And finally, the following is a Youtube interview, aired on a CBN broadcast. Bob and Audrey talk of her affair and how it led to a child being born, as a result:
• A WIFE’S BETRAYAL – Bob and Audrey Meisner
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.
If you can give additional insights to help others, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
Filed under: Childrens Effect on Marriage Surviving Infidelity
I am a youth. My engagement is in 2 month time, and my fiancé told me he got a lady 5 months pregnant. Please, what do I do?
Dearest Blessing, Oh how I wish I had an easy answer for you. But I’m sure you know what you should do. As sad as this is for you, you have to know that if he could do this with someone else, while he is engaged to you, he is not totally committed to you. He can give you all kinds of excuses, but PLEASE do not give them any weight. He is a cheater. If he will do this to you while you are engaged, I can tell you with no hesitation that he will cheat on you after you are married. You go into marriage totally committed. If he can’t even last though the engagement time, he will have whole host of excuses why he isn’t faithful to you in the marriage. Don’t believe them. There is no excuse. Cheating is cheating no matter what excuse you are given. Excuses are cheap ways of trying to get out of the consequences of paying for the harm you have caused. He is a cheater and an evader. Flee from him. You aren’t married yet. You aren’t bound to him under God’s eyes.
Marriage is tough. It seems like it will be a dream of spending more quality time for the rest of your lives together. But life has a way of pushing us apart. We have to be intentional in continually pulling ourselves back towards each other to walk down life’s path together. Cheating, lying, and such ramps up the difficulties all the more. Marriage is wonderful with someone who is true to the commitment of being married in partnership –one who is committed to God, you, and your marriage. It’s a sacred commitment to be entered into very seriously. If this guy has already shown himself to be a cheater who is committed to himself and what he wants regardless of how it will hurt you, how could this be a good marriage?
As hard as this is to think about, please, please, please run away from this guy (I won’t even call him a man, because a true man wouldn’t do this to his beloved). You will regret it for the rest of your life if you don’t run away from him. You are blessed in the way that he has revealed his dark side ahead of time to you. You have a warning flag waving in front of you. Please know that if you enter marriage, after you have been warned, you are entering at your own risk. God is warning you, and if you ignore it, you WILL be sorry.
You will experience pain right now by breaking up… and for that I am so sorry. I know that pain, and it is so very difficult to endure. But the pain will be multiplied over and over again if you enter into marriage knowing this history and the warning, and you live on the island of regret for the rest of your life. I hope you will truly heed my warning. I want only the best for you when you marry. This is not the man who will be able to give that to you. Please know that. I pray God’s strength for you and direction for your life.
Very true, the best place for Blessing is very far away from this fellow. She is so blessed to be given an opportunity to know what type of guy this is, bad guy. Some fellows want to prove their manhood with someone else before marriage. But they end up breaking two hearts – some lady they have a child with but they wont marry and another they want to burden with their unfaithfulness. Such guys better be left alone with their double lives. Every person wants a marriage partner they can trust as much as possible, not one with skeletons already.
Hi, Is there any sort of sin or bondage that is passed on to the child If they are born of adultery?? If yes how is this to be redeemed?
My husband is a Christian but he has also battled a crack addiction. He got another woman pregnant from his sexual escapades. He is in recovery. He loves me and wants his marriage. He came to me and told me because he said it was eating him up inside for what he did to hurt me. I’m hurt, angry and confused right now. I love him but if there really is a baby I don’t know what I may decide. He was using crack during the time and always looked at porno. But this time acted it out. I’m a Christian too. I’m just confused right now.
My husband of 5 yrs had an affair with a Hindu female, and married her in the temple. Now this month, May 13th, 2021, that female gave birth to a baby boy. She said to me, my son knows he is having an affair, but he doesn’t know the child is born. He is saying I’ll throw him out of the house if he does anything like that. What should I do now? My life is ruined. He used to love me soo much. After that hell entered in his life everything changed. He often says I’ll come out of it, but how, when a child is born to that lady because of him? I’m confused. I don’t know what to do if my children come to know what happens. Please help me.
Is your husband repentant? Does he realize that he shouldn’t have done what he did and does he say this to you? Does he regret what he did… again, telling you of his regrets? And does he intend to keep seeing this woman? Also, most importantly, does he tell you that he will never cheat on you again with this woman or with anyone else? These are all important points for you to consider in the way you handle all of this.
My husband had an affair with two other woman for two years. The day after I found out one of the woman gave birth to his baby. I left him for a year and we are trying to work things out now; we both knew it would be difficult but the effort is put out there. Now that I am trying I find myself feeling more lost then ever. Always wondering if he still has contact with them. The insecurities are eating me up inside. Thankful that forgiving comes so easily for me but the “what if’s” is what is keeping my guard up, not allowing me to give my all into making this work.
I know a baby is innocent in the situation but I want nothing to do with him. I feel so awful for even feeling like that but I feel like its leaving the door open for my husband to fall back into the temptation. On his own he has chosen not to be apart of the babys life but I feel like he’s only making that decision because he wants this to work. I almost feel like he is staying away for now because he knows my heart and he knows I’ll accept the baby later on down the road. What if years from now he blames me for not having a relationship with the baby now. I just feel so confused. I know I could accept the baby, I just don’t want to put myself in that position to have to. Sometime I feel being forgiving can be a blessing and a curse. Now and days I can’t tell if I’m happy or not. I feel like its more of a routine and its more helpful to have him around for our 4 kids sake.
On that note there is more to just the cheating he has been abusive in the past. Anytime a situation turned abusive was because I accused him of doing wrong, my instincts were always right but he couldn’t take the fact that I would threaten to leave. I’m so in love with a man who has done everything to break a wife down. Some days I want to make it work and other days I want to give up because of the trust issues. I’m always going to be the one who will assume because of the insecurities. He already seems annoyed when I question him. I feel like he should be going over and beyond to make me feel secure which makes me feel why should I try and be the wife I used to be when he won’t make an effort to make me feel secure after all that he’s done to this family. Sometimes I find myself feeling like I’m only staying because God knows I can forgive; so if I can forgive I have to go through for better or worse. I’m only 32 and 12 years of trying has taken a toll on me. I just need some positive /real advice.
In reading your post I find myself in a very similar situation with the exception that I am the one who had an affair and fathered a daughter with another woman. The backdrop, my wife and I had 3 children (I took a job abroad and was traveling back and forth 2 weeks per month back in the early 2000’s) prior to having an affair and ultimately a daughter. Breaking this news to my wife was one of the most difficult, tragically heartbreaking things I (or anyone for that matter) have ever had to do.
We then got divorced (my decision), spent 4 years apart where for me was a very dark time and for my wife was ultimately led her to the Lord (she went through rough times also, nonetheless). We were connected to a great local church where the pastor remarried us in a beautiful little ceremony with our children 7 years ago. He also blessed us with another daughter 2 years ago (God really has a sense of humor).
With that, I have had a very distant and estranged relationship with my daughter (who lives in another country and will be 11 in a couple of weeks) and I am desperately seeking help/hope on how to reconnect with her in a meaningful way that ultimately my family will accept. My older children all teenagers now are unaware that they have a half-sister and my wife (whom I love and adore dearly) has not wanted to face this giant for what I feel are similar reasons to what you have posted (understandly so).
I know my wife loves the Lord but finding the strength and courage to tackle this together has been elusive. I can honestly say that your post is probably the exact same sentiment she is feeling (with the exception of abusiveness which I have not, although we have other issues). She say’s “why do I have to always be the bigger person?” which we both know the Christian response to this question. Although, knowing it and trusting in Him are so hard for her and honestly if I put the shoe on the other foot would be for me also.
I have limited contact with my daughter (I have paid support since day 1) and have visited her personally 2 times since she was born (during divorce). I have had sporadic skype visits with her over the years but she is going to be 11 in a couple of weeks. I know every day, month or year that slips by is going to make reconciliation harder. I love my wife with all my heart and know she is fearful that of many things including my slipping back, shame, embarrassment etc., etc.
I am so sorry for the selfishness and pain inflicted as a result of my actions and anyone else who has committed the same. Praying for God’s peace and wisdom to face this giant as a unified front and for restoration. I pray for you, your husband and your family. I know that as I seek to find restoration the enemy will use every tool in his kit to thwart it. Gotta be prepared.. Blessings!
Hi. I am mother of 2 beautiful children. I just experienced the worst feeling ever. I just found out my boyfriend, also my kids father, had an affair with his sister’s friend. Well the friend had a baby and didn’t tell my boyfriend that she was ever pregnant until he got child support papers. I found out few months later by finding theses papers.
He finally admitted to everything; I was so devastated and so much pain after 6 years. I feel so betrayed. I have so many emotions and don’t know how to get through it. A part of me wants to make it work and part of me can’t live knowing there’s another child. I do love him but not the way I used to. I have too much pain and anger. I feel like why should I suffer over his mistakes! I could please use some resources or even a prayer to help me make the right decisions and get through this …
I’m the product of an affair. Just as this couple my mom’s husband/dad (Gilbert) had a vacectomy as well so they knew I couldn’t be his biologically. My mother was having an affair with the people who lived across the street’s son!
When I was born Gilbert took me in as his own. He signed my birth certificate and the big secret began. All my life I was never allowed to go to the house across the street! I had a cousin my same age whom my older brothers would let me sneak over and play with when Gilbert was at work, but whenever Adolf (my biological father) was around I was not to be over there! I always he figured he was some kind of pedophile or something because he used to stare at me when I would be playing in the front yard, and it always made me feel really uneasy!
Fast forward to the divorce, which was a horrible experience for me. You see my mom never wanted me, so Gilbert took care of me, taught me how to ride a bike and roller skate, play basketball, pool, what have you, Gilbert was who I remember most growing up. I barely even remember my mother at all! Once they separated and my mother told me the truth about who my real father was, well I’ll never forget that day! I remember it as if it were yesterday! I had just woken up, and was walking down the stairs as she was hanging up the phone. After that she told me that Gilbert wasn’t my real father but we were going to go and meet my real father that day! She got me all dressed up and combed pretty! We began to leave the house and proceed to walk to the car, so I thought. Once we walked past the car I knew something was wrong, and I soon found out that everything in my life up until that point was a flat out lie!
After that something inside me changed forever! Gilbert eventually moved across state. I would go on the see him a handful of times more before he passed away last year. This whole thing still messes with me and has my entire life from Daddy and mommy issues to day! My mother acts like it never happened and on top of this, losing my older brother Bobby, my first cousin Joey, who was like a brother as well, two babies, a son Bobby after my brother and a daughter Bella, all my grandparents, numerous friends including 2 of my best friends to suicide, Joan and koolaid.
Then on top of all that the love of my life whom I’d been with for 5 years left me. I caught him with another woman on our daughter’s death anniversary! I’ve had a very messed up life! Problems with drugs and abusive partners, molested as a child by numerous men. It’s been difficult! I try my best to push forward each day for my children yet it’s just so hard! My entire family treats me like a dog and I wasn’t even named to be one of Gilbert’s children after he passed away! I still carry his last name too! It hurts and my life has been one huge horrible nightmare!
Parents don’t realize the effect their actions can have and the damage that comes from so many lies and manipulation! Sometimes I wish she had just aborted me like the others she aborted before me!
I currently live in a house that she owns. Since my car broke down I have no vehicle, no job, I walk my son to school and it’s cold, sometimes snowing, so he catches colds often. I struggle and my family judges me worse for not having a job. I am estranged from all of them, the black sheep they love talking down on yet they are not willing to help, or even give me a ride to the grocery store! My friends are the only support system I have!
I recently was able to get a really great job. I start next week and even though I don’t know how I’m going to get to work being that I barely found a ride to my second interview and had to bring my 6 year old son with me, but I did it. I got the job, yet none of my family even cared! No one was proud of me accept my friends!
My mom is very narcissistic and I feel as though she thrives on seeing me fail! She goes on a lot of vacations and gambles a lot too. She has money and has managed to turn my 16 year old daughter against me because she has money! My daughter told me that I was nothing but a joke the other day. They fill her head with so many lies that even when I beg her to go down to the courts with me so I can prove how much I’ve fought in court for her and how much I love her, she refuses!
Anyways this is long but for that child all I can say is be honest be loving and don’t be together if you can’t forgive! Always be encouraging to. God bless, April
April, I hope you are able to come back to this web site to see this reply. You have been on my heart since you wrote this comment. I’ve been praying for you and your whole family situation. Please know that I care, and so does God. He especially cares for you. You said that sometimes you wish you would have been aborted. Oh how I hope you will change your mind on that one. Please know that if God didn’t think that you should have been born He wouldn’t have breathed life into your lungs. No one that is born is a mistake in God’s eyes. We might go against God’s standards when we “play around” as your mom did. But God knew you before you were even born and values you, even if no one else ever lets you know that they value you.
There is a purpose for your life. It is your mission to seek God’s purpose and live it. It, of course, is mainly to bless others. And what you find as you live to bless others and make it a better world to live in, is that you are blessed all the more. That’s what we’re told in the Bible.
April, I’m so sorry that your family has treated you the way that they have. It should never be like this. But please know that you ARE valuable. Look beyond those who have hurt you. Focus on whatever there is that is positive–love for your children (even if they don’t always act loving)… and such. You never express any kind of faith in your comment. But I hope that you will seek God and look for what He has for you. Find a good church that you can go to and interact with others that love God and will care about you and for you. You will find imperfect people in church too, but you will also find people who love God so deeply that they will be a blessing to be with and will inspire you to live a good life. I hope you will find those people.
Thank you for writing the comment that you did. I pray that it will inspire others to be more careful of how they treat each other. Every person that God gave breath to is important. We need to live with each other in truth and love. I hope you are able to find ways to get to work, and to take your son to school. Sometimes we have to use our feet to walk us to where we need to go, but it sure is wonderful when others can help us to get there more comfortably. I encourage you to look to God for guidance on how to live each day so that you are able to be all He created you to be. Keep inspiring, as you have here. Look for good, and know that as you do, you will find more good than you ever would have otherwise. I pray Jesus helps you and blesses you!
I just received news my husband had an affair with my sister, who is now, had his child. It hurts so bad. He was always accusing me of cheating but he is the one who has a baby. I don’t know what to do. I know the baby is innocent, but she is a reminder and all I keep seeing when look at her is of them getting it on. What can I do? I need prayer and guidance!
Maya, I’m so sorry that your husband and your sister (shame on them) cheated on you like this. This should never, ever be! I’m so sad for you that they deceived you in this horrible way. I can’t even imagine how deeply you feel betrayed.
I wish I could give you guidance on this as you asked (because you are right… the baby is innocent). But the best I can give you is written in the article, and the linked articles. Pray, read, glean, and use what can help and comfort you (and throw away that, which won’t). I pray it helps as you look for ways to find peace and comfort. Yes, we will pray. You might also want to post your request upon the Prayer Wall (on the Home Page) because other people will pray for you, as well. I pray the Lord ministers to you as you look to Him. Fall into His arms, cry, talk, rant, rave, and work through this with God. I pray He gives you wisdom as well to know how to walk this painful journey. May you experience His comfort!
Dear Maya, So sorry for what you discovered about your husband and sister. It should never have happened. I know it hurts and might be difficult to forgive, but I only pray and plead with you to forgive them both. For every time someone does something wrong to me that requires me to forgive and I find it difficult, I take a look at all the terrible things I had done in the past and sometimes still do that the Mighty Jesus still forgives me when i ask for it.
So my dear friend (Maya), the only way you can work against how you feel is to walk in the opposite direction. This simply means that you will have to show love to that child as well as your husband and sister. It may be difficult at first but as you allow the Spirit of Christ to work within you, it will get easier. May the Almighty Father continue to bless you. He will be with you every step of the way.
Best Regards
Olushola
How does one get over this when children within the marriage are involved? My husband of 10 years had an affair resulting in a child. She’s due the day after Christmas. My children are hurt and resentful and view the child as a source of pain and a constant reminder. And sadly so do I. I’m aware he’s innocent and had no choice in the situation his mother and father decided to bring him into. But I feel forcing him into our home will allow him to grow up feeling alienated and rejected by his siblings.
And I know in my heart I’ll never be able to put him first in the same way I do my own children. In my eyes my marriage and my children come before this illegitimate child and his mother. And I feel guilty for feeling that way but I believe him having no contact with this child until all children are old enough to understand and be more accepting of the situation is what’s best for everyone involved. I won’t force my children around anyone who causes them pain.
I am the child. I was raised by my single mother with my brother and sister who are both older. I grew up believing our father had walked out on my mother when I was born. I often wondered about this man but the issue was taboo and never discussed.
When I was 16 my mother called all three kids together to say that our father had been in contact and wanted to see us. I remember feeling so excited; I had never had a male figure in my life and could not wait to meet my dad.
I went to meet my father at his unit with my brother and sister; it was a very emotional meeting with a man who had not seen his kids for 16 years. I felt very overwhelmed by the occasion.
Despite the joy of meeting my dad I felt disconnected. I did not receive the same attention as my older siblings; this man developed relationships with my brother and sister but did not seem to want anything to do with me, they were going out to dinner and having catch ups that I wasn’t invited to. I did not gel with my dad and felt rejected.
This had a significant on me as a 16 yr old and caused me to seek refuge from the emotional pain that I was not equipped to handle. I turned to the usual alcohol and drugs as I didn’t care about being rejected when I was drunk or high.
When I was 24 yrs old, after 8 years of feeling rejected my mother finally told me the truth, the man I had been led to believe was my dad was in fact not my dad. I was the product of a one night stand between my mother and her sisters husband…………………boom.
The damage has been immense, My life was a painful lie for the first 24 yrs and I have lived with so much anger and shame ever since (I’m now 53). I was not able to maintain a relationship with my mother or siblings since that day. I did not hate them, quite the opposite. The sense of shame I feel when I’m around family is overwhelming. I have completely isolated myself over the years to the point where I have no-one to turn to. I feel ashamed and helpless. I feel like mine is a life that should never have been lived.
Tim, I’m so sad for you that you feel so worthless. Yes, you were handed a crummy hand to deal with. And yes, you have a lot of difficult feelings to sort out on this. Grieving it is important. But it’s important that you don’t stay in that place. You can be dealt a crummy hand, but you don’t have to keep holding onto it.
It’s true that your mom and dad didn’t plan you. Your mom’s pregnancy had to be a shock. And yes, I can see why you feel disheartened and disconnected because of the circumstances of your birth. But you still have the opportunity to make those around you (including yourself) to be glad you were born. We all have that opportunity. This will take some real inner work. And it will be difficult. But it won’t be impossible. Your mom and dad didn’t plan you, but God did. If He didn’t think you were important, you wouldn’t have been born. And you wouldn’t still be here. He doesn’t have to give you another breath. Please look to Him as your perfect, Heavenly Father. Ask Him for the plan He has for your life. Ask Him how you can be a blessing to your family and to those around you. And make your life count.
Don’t give the enemy of our faith the satisfaction in stealing away from you of the joy you can embrace in your everyday life. Don’t let others dis you. You are “fearfully and wonderfully made” as we’re told in the Bible. Make that your launching pad in life.
Truly Tim, I’m not trying to give you a “Ra-ra” speech. It may seem like it, but I’m not. I truly can see this in my heart for you. Please don’t erase your first 24 years. They were what they were. And don’t stay in the same state of shame that you have lived in since. Look to the Lord for the strength you can experience for the rest of your life. The Bible says, “The joy of the Lord is my strength.” So make the choice to step into that joy. Make the choice to be a blessing and to live a good, God-loving, God-blessing life. Start on your knees and stand from there. God will “direct your steps” as you walk with Him. I hope you will.
I saw the horrible way my brother lived for a number of years because of the crummy beginning we had in life. He ended up dying at a young age (in his 50’s) because of the horrible choices he made to dull the pain. But I can tell you that his last year of life was wonderful. He embraced Jesus, and lived out his last year in a totally different way. He was a blessing to me and to others in so many ways. I will always have that memory tucked in my heart. I hope that whatever time the Lord gives you, you will leave behind the shame–because truly, you have nothing to be ashamed about. You didn’t make that choice. It was made for you. But every day from this day forward you can make good choices.
The Bible tells us that God is “the lifter of our heads.” Please let God lift your head and stand tall. You are not a mistake. You are what you allow yourself to be by the choices you make every day.
Help, guidance and patience.
I’ve known for years my husband had someone. I pretended for years to not know. I approached the woman and I created a lot of confusion, trouble, and purposely put them against each other because I am very angry. It is hard to forgive a husband who has an affair and a child outside the marriage.
When occurrences happen leading in adultery, as have been described in all above instances, married people need to recognize, in the eyes of God, adultery is synonymous with divorce, and he hates it. Adultery pure and simple ends exclusivity and monogamy, which are the core and necessary elements of the marriage covenant. In these situations, spouses no longer have to ponder and sweat about whether or not they should “seek” a divorce, they already are; they just haven’t filled out the paper work.
Jesus was not talking about legal forms or paper work when he spoke of hating divorce. He was talking about the act of breaking the sacred bond, the covenant between the married partners. Recognition of this one simple point will help each partner begin to heal themselves personally, and later, whatever relationship they wish to maintain, including marriage anew, should they wish to commit to each other again.
Hi there. I’m a woman who’s been married for 16 yrs. My husband & I are both born again Christians. In 2019 I found out that my husband was (cheating) dating online & I forgave him though my level of trust in him was now minimized. 3 weeks back I found out that in 2018 he had an affair & fathered a child who’s turning 2 in few months to come. I’m deeply hurt, torn & disappointed but I would really like to mend my broken marriage. I have complete trust issues at the moment, please advise.
I have severe trust issues also. After my husband had an affair that resulted in a child whom I found out about in January 2021. He found out in November of 2020 and had a DNA test done without asking or telling me.
My situation is a bit different. My husband had an affair 24 yrs ago that until 8 months ago I was not aware of and she came searching for him 11 months ago. She contacted him and then he met her several times behind my back and had a DNA test done in January of 2021, which confirmed he was the father. My problem is he kept this from me and did this behind my back without asking me. We have been married 40 yrs and have a son 32 yrs old who is not onboard with any of this.
When a child from an affair exists, on the part of the husband, who should get priority in his life? Wife or the child of the affair? And is the husband right in making his own decisions moving forward as to how he wants to distribute property and include the child in his life?
Long story short… my husband and I married. Three months later he left me for another woman. He left her for another woman a month later, got engaged to woman #2 about a month later. (I’ll call her Elizabeth.) She knew he was married and had been having inappropriate conversations with my husband since before we married. They purposefully conceived a child, Elliot. My husband cheated on Elizabeth and left her while she was 3 months pregnant. She then told him she was having an abortion and he would never see his child. She didn’t abort, but also refused to allow my husband or his family to see the baby or be in the baby’s life. My husband returned home and we have been trying to repair our marriage since.
The baby is now 6 months old. CPS contacted my husband today telling him that they are removing the child from the home of the mother and they want him to take the baby since he is the baby’s father. Honestly, when my husband came home and I found out about Elizabeth being pregnant my reaction was not exactly one of joy. Since she didn’t even tell him when the baby was born, and refused all contact and didn’t even ask for child support (which I think is fair since she refused to allow him or his family to even see the child) I was able to put the issue out of my mind. Now, with us taking custody of the baby after a home inspection I’m forced to deal with this.
I do not blame the baby at all. He is truly innocent in all of this, but his care will fall to me. I will be the one caring for him while my husband is at work, and while he’s sleeping. I’m sure when my husband is home I’ll be the one taking care of the baby still. I’m unable to have children of my own (I had two miscarriages and then had to have a hysterectomy because of cancer which is now gone) and I’m trying hard to view this situation as positively as I can, but I’m also having a hard time coming to grips with it all.
I honestly can’t imagine me not coming to love and care for the baby because I love all kids, but I’m swinging between not wanting the child here and being a little excited about having the child in my life. I understand that once this child enters our lives it changes our marriage forever though. Once he enters our lives Elizabeth will never really be out of our lives. There will be visitations, and holidays, and celebrations where we must all come together and she always hated me for being his wife (he never even tried to file for divorce the entire 5 months they were together and told her they’d be engaged but I’d have to file and I never did either as I wanted to reconcile) and honestly I resent her for the inappropriate conversations they had when she knew he was engaged to, and then married to, me.
I resent her for having my husband’s child on purpose (he told me they both were trying to get pregnant and yes, I resent him for it as well). I resent her for trying to get him to return to her after he came home to me. Yes, she’s the mother of his child, but I was his wife first. I am trying hard to forgive them both but it’s hard sometimes and this whole situation popping up today is bringing up a bunch of mixed feelings.
I need prayers for sure I think. I’m trying so hard to be responsible, forgiving, and think of what’s best for the child not myself. I can’t deny that at this moment in time I wish CPS hadn’t contacted us, especially since my husband is not even on the birth certificate and the child does not have our last name. But I’m sure that in time I will love my stepson as much as I do my niece and nephews (who I raised until they were 5 and love as if they were my own children).
I need to figure out how to explain to them without making anyone look too bad how this is their new cousin when they know that I’m not his mother. I don’t want them to view him in a negative light, but they’re 17, 12, and 11 and so I’m worried that there may be some problems with adding the baby to our family without too much disruption (maybe? I can’t think of the word I want) of our family dynamics.
I’m praying for you. (Also, you may want to post a shorter version of this on the Prayer Wall on the Home Page of this web site.) This situation is so, so complicated. And you’re right on so many levels with this. You can see the tough stuff all too well. I’m wondering, however, if God is taking sinful actions and bringing redemption into this child’s life. Obviously, his mother would not have raised him in a healthy way in any way. He doesn’t deserve the difficult circumstances his parents put him in. None-the-less, no matter how he was conceived, God loves this child and has a wonderful plan for his life.
I don’t know you Danielle, but I sure love your heart. So, so sorry you have had this dumped into your life. But I can see that God is making you another mother to many. Your niece and nephews and this child are blessed to have you in their lives. I pray your husband wakes up, totally repents (and stays repentant) and steps up to be the good husband you need and a good father and role model to this child. And I pray for extra wisdom for both of you as you navigate how to raise this child with his birth mom flitting in and out of his life and yours. May boundaries stay firm and may God bless you as you pour good into the life of this child.
“May the Lord direct your heart into God’s love and Christ’s perseverance.” (2 Thessalonians 3:5) “May mercy, peace, and love be multiplied to you.” (Jude 1:2)