When a Child is Born As a Result of Having an Affair

Child born from Affair Dollar Photo Newborn babyWhat do you do when a child is born because one spouse had an extramarital affair? How do you handle the betrayal AND the birth of a child as a result of one partner cheating on another?

These are questions we receive here at Marriage Missions, and they’re very, very tough ones!

As we address this issue, please be very prayerful as you read what we are sharing with you. Every situation is different. And for this reason, what you do, may need to be different for you, than for other people in a similar situation. Allow the Holy Spirit to be your Wonderful Counselor. Pay attention to how specifically He guides you, in light of what others may tell you and what you read here. But above all, make sure you follow God’s ways, above mans.

We will offer some things here for you to consider. Pray, read, and glean through what you read to apply what you believe God is telling you to use in your life. There are a few things that are for sure. Then there are things that will be written, that will be basic counsel, which you can take or leave.

With the Affair These are MUSTS:

The cheating has to stop. The lies have to stop.

God did not create us to lie and cheat on each other. He hates actions which demonstrate unfaithfulness.

“Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. Because of these, the wrath of God is coming.

“You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator” (Colossians 3:5-10).

 Each day can bring a new beginning.

And whether you and your spouse decide to reconcile or not, it is time for everyone to start living in Truth.

“Come back to your senses as you ought, and stop sinning; for there are some who are ignorant of God —I say this to your shame” (1 Corinthians 15:34).

“Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully, for we are all members of one body” (Ephesians 4:25).

There is a child who is now involved in an affair that started in sin.

Yet the child is completely innocent. The Bible says that children are “a gift from God.” And they are. Even if they were conceived because of a situation that was not pure or a situation that was hurtful, this child is created in the image of God and should not be treated as if he or she is lesser of a human being. Jesus Himself, showed how He valued children as a priority and a blessing, and so should we.

“See that you do not look down on one of these little ones. For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father in heaven.” (Matthew 18:10)

The following is advice, which we consider to be sound, given by Dr Phil McGraw (from the Dr Phil Show), to a man who was having difficulty in accepting a child who was born because of his spouse’s affair.

Prayerfully consider what he advises:

“Don’t let your feelings about the affair reflect on your treatment of the child. The child is innocent, and had nothing to do with the actions of your partner.”

“Though it may be difficult, don’t withhold affection from the child. By keeping the child at arm’s length, you are punishing him for something he didn’t do.”

“Give yourself permission to own your feelings. Having feelings of anger doesn’t make you the bad guy in this situation. It’s painful to deal with an affair, and when that affair results in a child who becomes part of your life, you may feel like everything is being dumped on you.”

You need to do what you can to work through the stages of grief, anger and mourning, because the changes that have come upon your marriage, as a result of infidelity.

Additional Help

On the Marriage Missions web site, we have provided many articles, testimonies, suggested resources and web site links that you can take advantage of, to help you on this difficult journey. But we pray that, whatever you do, you will work to keep your feelings from “punishing” the child in some way.

As a matter of fact, here is a video that is quit profound in the message given on this issue. Bob and Audrey Meisner is interviewed, concerning her affair. But in this particular video they center on the child who is born as a result of the affair. I STRONGLY encourage you to watch what they have to say about it:

There are so many issues to work through when a child comes as a result of an affair. And it’s not possible to cover them all in an article such as this. But we have provided for you below, a couple of links to different web site articles, which you can read through to give you additional information to pray about. We hope they will help you to make wise decisions for the future of your relationship, as well as the child’s role in your lives.

Prayerfully Consider

You may or may not agree with the entire content given in each article. We personally don’t agree with everything in the first article listed below. But please prayerfully consider what is written and glean what you believe God would have you do. Don’t use what you feel is contrary to God’s will for your life.

First, we encourage you to read the following linked article posted on the Marriage Builders web site, written by Dr Willard Harley:

WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU (or Your Spouse) BECOMES PREGNANT

Another article can be found on the Beyond Affairs web site, written by Anne Bercht. Please click onto the link below to read:

WHEN THERE IS A CHILD FROM AN AFFAIR

To read through a Forum which comes from the 2-in-2-1.co.uk web site, please click onto the following:

CHILD PRODUCED FROM AFFAIR WITH MARRIED MAN

And finally, the following is a Youtube interview, aired on a CBN broadcast. Bob and Audrey talk of her affair and how it led to a child being born, as a result:

A WIFE’S BETRAYAL – Bob and Audrey Meisner

Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.

If you can give additional insights to help others, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.

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Filed under: Childrens Effect on Marriage Surviving Infidelity

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Comments

499 responses to “When a Child is Born As a Result of Having an Affair

  1. I am a youth. My engagement is in 2 month time, and my fiancé told me he got a lady 5 months pregnant. Please, what do I do?

    1. Dearest Blessing, Oh how I wish I had an easy answer for you. But I’m sure you know what you should do. As sad as this is for you, you have to know that if he could do this with someone else, while he is engaged to you, he is not totally committed to you. He can give you all kinds of excuses, but PLEASE do not give them any weight. He is a cheater. If he will do this to you while you are engaged, I can tell you with no hesitation that he will cheat on you after you are married. You go into marriage totally committed. If he can’t even last though the engagement time, he will have whole host of excuses why he isn’t faithful to you in the marriage. Don’t believe them. There is no excuse. Cheating is cheating no matter what excuse you are given. Excuses are cheap ways of trying to get out of the consequences of paying for the harm you have caused. He is a cheater and an evader. Flee from him. You aren’t married yet. You aren’t bound to him under God’s eyes.

      Marriage is tough. It seems like it will be a dream of spending more quality time for the rest of your lives together. But life has a way of pushing us apart. We have to be intentional in continually pulling ourselves back towards each other to walk down life’s path together. Cheating, lying, and such ramps up the difficulties all the more. Marriage is wonderful with someone who is true to the commitment of being married in partnership –one who is committed to God, you, and your marriage. It’s a sacred commitment to be entered into very seriously. If this guy has already shown himself to be a cheater who is committed to himself and what he wants regardless of how it will hurt you, how could this be a good marriage?

      As hard as this is to think about, please, please, please run away from this guy (I won’t even call him a man, because a true man wouldn’t do this to his beloved). You will regret it for the rest of your life if you don’t run away from him. You are blessed in the way that he has revealed his dark side ahead of time to you. You have a warning flag waving in front of you. Please know that if you enter marriage, after you have been warned, you are entering at your own risk. God is warning you, and if you ignore it, you WILL be sorry.

      You will experience pain right now by breaking up… and for that I am so sorry. I know that pain, and it is so very difficult to endure. But the pain will be multiplied over and over again if you enter into marriage knowing this history and the warning, and you live on the island of regret for the rest of your life. I hope you will truly heed my warning. I want only the best for you when you marry. This is not the man who will be able to give that to you. Please know that. I pray God’s strength for you and direction for your life.

      1. Very true, the best place for Blessing is very far away from this fellow. She is so blessed to be given an opportunity to know what type of guy this is, bad guy. Some fellows want to prove their manhood with someone else before marriage. But they end up breaking two hearts – some lady they have a child with but they wont marry and another they want to burden with their unfaithfulness. Such guys better be left alone with their double lives. Every person wants a marriage partner they can trust as much as possible, not one with skeletons already.

  2. My husband is a Christian but he has also battled a crack addiction. He got another woman pregnant from his sexual escapades. He is in recovery. He loves me and wants his marriage. He came to me and told me because he said it was eating him up inside for what he did to hurt me. I’m hurt, angry and confused right now. I love him but if there really is a baby I don’t know what I may decide. He was using crack during the time and always looked at porno. But this time acted it out. I’m a Christian too. I’m just confused right now.

  3. My husband had an affair with two other woman for two years. The day after I found out one of the woman gave birth to his baby. I left him for a year and we are trying to work things out now; we both knew it would be difficult but the effort is put out there. Now that I am trying I find myself feeling more lost then ever. Always wondering if he still has contact with them. The insecurities are eating me up inside. Thankful that forgiving comes so easily for me but the “what if’s” is what is keeping my guard up, not allowing me to give my all into making this work.

    I know a baby is innocent in the situation but I want nothing to do with him. I feel so awful for even feeling like that but I feel like its leaving the door open for my husband to fall back into the temptation. On his own he has chosen not to be apart of the babys life but I feel like he’s only making that decision because he wants this to work. I almost feel like he is staying away for now because he knows my heart and he knows I’ll accept the baby later on down the road. What if years from now he blames me for not having a relationship with the baby now. I just feel so confused. I know I could accept the baby, I just don’t want to put myself in that position to have to. Sometime I feel being forgiving can be a blessing and a curse. Now and days I can’t tell if I’m happy or not. I feel like its more of a routine and its more helpful to have him around for our 4 kids sake.

    On that note there is more to just the cheating he has been abusive in the past. Anytime a situation turned abusive was because I accused him of doing wrong, my instincts were always right but he couldn’t take the fact that I would threaten to leave. I’m so in love with a man who has done everything to break a wife down. Some days I want to make it work and other days I want to give up because of the trust issues. I’m always going to be the one who will assume because of the insecurities. He already seems annoyed when I question him. I feel like he should be going over and beyond to make me feel secure which makes me feel why should I try and be the wife I used to be when he won’t make an effort to make me feel secure after all that he’s done to this family. Sometimes I find myself feeling like I’m only staying because God knows I can forgive; so if I can forgive I have to go through for better or worse. I’m only 32 and 12 years of trying has taken a toll on me. I just need some positive /real advice.

    1. In reading your post I find myself in a very similar situation with the exception that I am the one who had an affair and fathered a daughter with another woman. The backdrop, my wife and I had 3 children (I took a job abroad and was traveling back and forth 2 weeks per month back in the early 2000’s) prior to having an affair and ultimately a daughter. Breaking this news to my wife was one of the most difficult, tragically heartbreaking things I (or anyone for that matter) have ever had to do.

      We then got divorced (my decision), spent 4 years apart where for me was a very dark time and for my wife was ultimately led her to the Lord (she went through rough times also, nonetheless). We were connected to a great local church where the pastor remarried us in a beautiful little ceremony with our children 7 years ago. He also blessed us with another daughter 2 years ago (God really has a sense of humor).

      With that, I have had a very distant and estranged relationship with my daughter (who lives in another country and will be 11 in a couple of weeks) and I am desperately seeking help/hope on how to reconnect with her in a meaningful way that ultimately my family will accept. My older children all teenagers now are unaware that they have a half-sister and my wife (whom I love and adore dearly) has not wanted to face this giant for what I feel are similar reasons to what you have posted (understandly so).

      I know my wife loves the Lord but finding the strength and courage to tackle this together has been elusive. I can honestly say that your post is probably the exact same sentiment she is feeling (with the exception of abusiveness which I have not, although we have other issues). She say’s “why do I have to always be the bigger person?” which we both know the Christian response to this question. Although, knowing it and trusting in Him are so hard for her and honestly if I put the shoe on the other foot would be for me also.

      I have limited contact with my daughter (I have paid support since day 1) and have visited her personally 2 times since she was born (during divorce). I have had sporadic skype visits with her over the years but she is going to be 11 in a couple of weeks. I know every day, month or year that slips by is going to make reconciliation harder. I love my wife with all my heart and know she is fearful that of many things including my slipping back, shame, embarrassment etc., etc.

      I am so sorry for the selfishness and pain inflicted as a result of my actions and anyone else who has committed the same. Praying for God’s peace and wisdom to face this giant as a unified front and for restoration. I pray for you, your husband and your family. I know that as I seek to find restoration the enemy will use every tool in his kit to thwart it. Gotta be prepared.. Blessings!

  4. Hi. I am mother of 2 beautiful children. I just experienced the worst feeling ever. I just found out my boyfriend, also my kids father, had an affair with his sister’s friend. Well the friend had a baby and didn’t tell my boyfriend that she was ever pregnant until he got child support papers. I found out few months later by finding theses papers.

    He finally admitted to everything; I was so devastated and so much pain after 6 years. I feel so betrayed. I have so many emotions and don’t know how to get through it. A part of me wants to make it work and part of me can’t live knowing there’s another child. I do love him but not the way I used to. I have too much pain and anger. I feel like why should I suffer over his mistakes! I could please use some resources or even a prayer to help me make the right decisions and get through this …

  5. I’m the product of an affair. Just as this couple my mom’s husband/dad (Gilbert) had a vacectomy as well so they knew I couldn’t be his biologically. My mother was having an affair with the people who lived across the street’s son!

    When I was born Gilbert took me in as his own. He signed my birth certificate and the big secret began. All my life I was never allowed to go to the house across the street! I had a cousin my same age whom my older brothers would let me sneak over and play with when Gilbert was at work, but whenever Adolf (my biological father) was around I was not to be over there! I always he figured he was some kind of pedophile or something because he used to stare at me when I would be playing in the front yard, and it always made me feel really uneasy!

    Fast forward to the divorce, which was a horrible experience for me. You see my mom never wanted me, so Gilbert took care of me, taught me how to ride a bike and roller skate, play basketball, pool, what have you, Gilbert was who I remember most growing up. I barely even remember my mother at all! Once they separated and my mother told me the truth about who my real father was, well I’ll never forget that day! I remember it as if it were yesterday! I had just woken up, and was walking down the stairs as she was hanging up the phone. After that she told me that Gilbert wasn’t my real father but we were going to go and meet my real father that day! She got me all dressed up and combed pretty! We began to leave the house and proceed to walk to the car, so I thought. Once we walked past the car I knew something was wrong, and I soon found out that everything in my life up until that point was a flat out lie!

    After that something inside me changed forever! Gilbert eventually moved across state. I would go on the see him a handful of times more before he passed away last year. This whole thing still messes with me and has my entire life from Daddy and mommy issues to day! My mother acts like it never happened and on top of this, losing my older brother Bobby, my first cousin Joey, who was like a brother as well, two babies, a son Bobby after my brother and a daughter Bella, all my grandparents, numerous friends including 2 of my best friends to suicide, Joan and koolaid.

    Then on top of all that the love of my life whom I’d been with for 5 years left me. I caught him with another woman on our daughter’s death anniversary! I’ve had a very messed up life! Problems with drugs and abusive partners, molested as a child by numerous men. It’s been difficult! I try my best to push forward each day for my children yet it’s just so hard! My entire family treats me like a dog and I wasn’t even named to be one of Gilbert’s children after he passed away! I still carry his last name too! It hurts and my life has been one huge horrible nightmare!

    Parents don’t realize the effect their actions can have and the damage that comes from so many lies and manipulation! Sometimes I wish she had just aborted me like the others she aborted before me!

    I currently live in a house that she owns. Since my car broke down I have no vehicle, no job, I walk my son to school and it’s cold, sometimes snowing, so he catches colds often. I struggle and my family judges me worse for not having a job. I am estranged from all of them, the black sheep they love talking down on yet they are not willing to help, or even give me a ride to the grocery store! My friends are the only support system I have!

    I recently was able to get a really great job. I start next week and even though I don’t know how I’m going to get to work being that I barely found a ride to my second interview and had to bring my 6 year old son with me, but I did it. I got the job, yet none of my family even cared! No one was proud of me accept my friends!

    My mom is very narcissistic and I feel as though she thrives on seeing me fail! She goes on a lot of vacations and gambles a lot too. She has money and has managed to turn my 16 year old daughter against me because she has money! My daughter told me that I was nothing but a joke the other day. They fill her head with so many lies that even when I beg her to go down to the courts with me so I can prove how much I’ve fought in court for her and how much I love her, she refuses!

    Anyways this is long but for that child all I can say is be honest be loving and don’t be together if you can’t forgive! Always be encouraging to. God bless, April

    1. April, I hope you are able to come back to this web site to see this reply. You have been on my heart since you wrote this comment. I’ve been praying for you and your whole family situation. Please know that I care, and so does God. He especially cares for you. You said that sometimes you wish you would have been aborted. Oh how I hope you will change your mind on that one. Please know that if God didn’t think that you should have been born He wouldn’t have breathed life into your lungs. No one that is born is a mistake in God’s eyes. We might go against God’s standards when we “play around” as your mom did. But God knew you before you were even born and values you, even if no one else ever lets you know that they value you.

      There is a purpose for your life. It is your mission to seek God’s purpose and live it. It, of course, is mainly to bless others. And what you find as you live to bless others and make it a better world to live in, is that you are blessed all the more. That’s what we’re told in the Bible.

      April, I’m so sorry that your family has treated you the way that they have. It should never be like this. But please know that you ARE valuable. Look beyond those who have hurt you. Focus on whatever there is that is positive–love for your children (even if they don’t always act loving)… and such. You never express any kind of faith in your comment. But I hope that you will seek God and look for what He has for you. Find a good church that you can go to and interact with others that love God and will care about you and for you. You will find imperfect people in church too, but you will also find people who love God so deeply that they will be a blessing to be with and will inspire you to live a good life. I hope you will find those people.

      Thank you for writing the comment that you did. I pray that it will inspire others to be more careful of how they treat each other. Every person that God gave breath to is important. We need to live with each other in truth and love. I hope you are able to find ways to get to work, and to take your son to school. Sometimes we have to use our feet to walk us to where we need to go, but it sure is wonderful when others can help us to get there more comfortably. I encourage you to look to God for guidance on how to live each day so that you are able to be all He created you to be. Keep inspiring, as you have here. Look for good, and know that as you do, you will find more good than you ever would have otherwise. I pray Jesus helps you and blesses you!