“Should I date while I am separated?” How many times have I heard that question? And, how many times have I given a hard answer? “If you are not free to marry, you are not free to date!” I first read that statement in Britton Wood’s book, Singles Want to Be the Church, Too. Mr. Wood has worked with singles and separated persons longer than anyone in his denomination.
After several years of counseling the separated, I am more convinced than ever that Britton Wood is right. When you start dating someone else while you are separated, you make reconciliation more difficult. The more you date, the muddier the water becomes.
Loneliness
I know that you have needs; you are lonely. Sometimes the load seems unbearable. I know that dating while separated is accepted, even encouraged, in our society. But most of those who are dating will never be reconciled. They will be divorced.
Dating is a prelude to remarriage, not therapy for reconciliation. Certainly you need friends. You need a listening ear. You need people who care and help bear the load, but the dating context is not the best place to find such help.
Vulnerable While Separated
You are extremely vulnerable during these days of separation. Unfortunately there are those of the opposite sex who would like to take advantage of your vulnerability. Although pretending to be concerned about you, they are busy satisfying their own desires.
I have seen many men and women devastated by such an experience. Your own emotions are erratic, and it would be easy for you to get infatuated with anyone who treats you with dignity, respect, and warmth.
Have you noticed the number of people who get married the day after they are divorced? Obviously they have been dating during separation. If the separation period is a time to seek reconciliation, why spend energy in an activity that leads to divorce and remarriage? Separation is not tantamount to divorce. We are still married while we are separated, and we ought to so live, whether or not our spouse complies.
Don’t Date While Separated
I know this is difficult to accept, but I believe the present trend of open dating immediately after separation must be deterred. Such activity encourages and contributes to the increasing divorce rate.
If you believe in the power of human choice, then you must concede that your estranged spouse may well turn from his or her estrangement and seek reconciliation. You want to be prepared for that day if it comes. Dating someone else in not the way to be prepared. Develop friends, but refuse romantic involvement until the fate of your marriage is determined.
The above article comes from the book, Hope For the Separated: Wounded Marriages Can Be Healed
— ADDITIONALLY —
Here’s a statement from Pastor Ted Cunningham that gives further insights into this issue of dating while you are separated. We encourage you to prayerfully read:
I am sick and tired of fighting for a marriage only to find out that one of the spouses is already dating someone new. Come on! How in the world are we going to save a marriage and protect the future of your children when you are so stinking selfish with a boyfriend or girlfriend waiting in the wings? Your children deserve better.
I’m not a stalker, but I do check out Facebook from time to time. It absolutely shocks me when I see the photos of the new boyfriend or girlfriend before the divorce is even final. It says to me, “I never really tried. I know we met with Ted and tried to get help. But it just didn’t work.” Hogwash! Bologna! You didn’t try. You had your options lined up. Fight for your marriage. Be a man! Be a woman! Give your children a fighting chance. O how the enemy eats this up.
Commitment
Last April, I ate breakfast with Dr. Scott Stanley, a professor and researcher at the University of Denver. He gave me the definition of commitment that I absolutely love. “Commitment is making a choice to give up all other choices.” That is the opposite of what we are brought up to believe. We are taught to keep our options open. This is why some marriage counselors drive me insane. They just sit down with a couple, hear their marriage story, and assess, “I don’t think there is any hope. This marriage is over.”
Jesus breathes life into dead marriages! There is hope no matter how stuck you are!
Make the commitment to do ALL you can to give this marriage a fighting chance. Invest in the process of trying to save your marriage. Don’t date while you are separated!
The above statement comes from Ted Cunningham’s book, Fun Loving You, published by David C Cook. We highly recommend this book to everyone who is married.
Filed under: Separation and Divorce
(USA) Thank God for this answer. It is definitely what I needed to hear!
(CANADA) I totally agree. My wife and I separated for few months ago. I have three small childrens under the age of 7. If I can I would do anything to turn the clock back 10 years. I never cheated on my wife and we were good to each others until our children came along. I love my kids and I stay with them around the clock. My wife started to coming home very late at night after work so I ended up being the primary care giver for my kids which created manging my full time Job much more challenging, squeezed between my job and family priorities.
My wife openly said she wanted to see another man. I told her that it may not be the best course of action while we are trying to reconcile. I have a feeling she is already seeing someone.
(CANADA) HI, I do understand how you feel but if I was you I would try to find what went wrong and how to correct it. Separating from your wife will impact tremendously on the lives of those beautiful children but I see you are a good father too. Please speak to your wife and see why she would want to see another man while you are there. Good luck.
(USA) I am so glad I found this sight. My husband and I have been married a little over 3 years. We have a 3 yr old and a 1 yr old together. There has been cheating on both parts, mainly his. Mine is just a rumor he believes, but nothing happened.
The day before our 3 yr ann. this year (last month) he broke up with me then I took the kids and left for the day. I came home and we made up. 3 days later he told me we should separate. He doesn’t know what he wants (me no one or someone else). My world came crashing down. I tried talking to him. I have done a lot of crying.
It has been almost a month. we decided we would still be intimate but he did say he wouldn’t be intimate with me if he was talking to someone else. So 4 days ago he started talking to some girl he worked with 2-3 yrs ago. She knows he is married and doesn’t care. He texts her in front of me and doesn’t care that it hurts me to the point where I have been crying myself to sleep. But he still does things like little flirty things and when I ask him what it’s about he says “I dunno.”
My mind is always racing. I always want to cry; I love him so much and he won’t give us another chance. He says maybe down the line, but no promises. We still live together, sleep in the same bed, I cook and clean and take care of the kids even when he is here. Please help me. I feel like I’m being ripped apart. I dunno what to do or how to handle this.
(USA) I’m going through a very similar situation. We have been together for 15 years, 3 kids. I was too scared to leave. Well honey, no more. Been split for about a month now. You will never get over this, trust me. My husband did this texting stuff too, about 9 months ago now. It got so bad for me I cried every day. I wanted to die. Then I realized no man is worth killing yourself for.
Put yourself and your children first. It’s scary I know. I have been a stay at home mom but I couldn’t take anymore of it. Emotional pain is the worst pain you can have. You are worth more than you think. Don’t waste anymore time on a disrespectful man like that. Good luck to you.
(USA) I am so sorry for your situation. All I can tell you is that you deserve better. You don’t deserve a maybe, and if your husband really loved you, he wouldn’t be seeing other women and still being intimate with you. He’s doing that because you are allowing him to. In this situation you have to think about your kids; what’s best for them? You should consider taking your kids and leaving until your husband figures out what he does want.
(AUSTRALIA) A lot of what you are all saying sounds very much like my husband and I. We recently separated because I found out that he was secretly having a 20 plus msg or phone call a day conversation with some girl he met through work. She would also come to visit him at work when they knew I would not be around (we own and operate our own business).
He tells me it was nothing more (although others tell me otherwise). I just feel that if it was just a friendship, that I should have known about her, as his wife. I just don’t feel that the trust that has been lost can be restored again (this is the second time he has kept such a “friendship” from me). He says I am over-reacting and that because it apparently was never physical, it is not betrayal. Am I over-reacting?
(USA) Sandy, I am literally right in the middle of that same situation my wife of only a short 5 years. All of a sudden I don’t know if she loves me or wants to move in with another guy. I am a pretty tough guy, hard to upset, but I’ll tell you I have never cried, begged, and pleaded in my entire life and she just didn’t care. She sits there texting the guy right in front of me. She hasn’t moved yet but I don’t know how much longer I have left. It sux :)
(US) You need to take control of the situation. You have the upper hand in his affair and he is living in a dream world feeling no consequence. When the reality bites down on him that he could never see his children again and you could be awarded a third of his salary then you will see how bad it affects him.
At that point if he wants his marriage to be fixed then he will have to earn it. You can’t let an emotional dependacy destroy you and your relationship with your children. Your children will benefit more from a stronger you in a good situation, than being put in an emotional state of insecurity. Fix it now for your children before it’s too late for you all.
(USA) This is similar to me; it is scary. My husband too has been texting a girl he met on a boys weekend fishing. We have been having problems and he wants out. I have agreed to a separation but am waiting for him to find a place. We have 2 children together 1 and 3 plus I have a 12 year old daughter from a previous relationship who has choosen my husband of 3 years as her father.
I love my husband, we are still intimate, and sleep in the same bed. He openly texts this girl in front of me and the children and it rips me apart. He sees nothing wrong with it because it is just friendly. I occasionaly peek at his phone and have found nothing sexual, they did not sleep together but they did lay in bed and cuddle and talk (as confirmed by the messages he does not know I read). I don’t want to lose him, but I fear I already have.
He says he won’t come back after he moves out no matter how hard it gets, and when asked if he realizes he misses me if he would come back he said he doesn’t know what to say. I feel I met my soulmate when he came into my life. And to have him want to walk out on us is the hardest thing I will ever go through.
I too have thought my life isn’t worth living and even contemplated ending it. But then he reminded me not to think of how he makes me feel but to think of how our children make me feel. And I realize no man is worth dying for. If he wants to screw up a good thing let him. I am sorry for what you are going through, but it is nce to know I am not the only one. Good luck
(INDIA) Hi, Suggest a temporary period of separation –a period of separation for both of you to think. Priorities change over time and it is best that both of you as individuals sit down and think what you really really want. Do that separately.
I suggest not to force your thoughts on him or let him force his on you. And if after say, 3-4 months of separation, he still believes he wants to see the other woman and you think you cannot live in an open marriage, then do not stay in there. In the interest of children too, it is better to have parents who are social and in good dialogue even though separated, rather than having parents living together but fighting, sobbing and crying. They will grow to understand. Hope it helps!
(CANADA) I too am in the same situation. I’ve been with my wife for 15 years almost and two months ago I found the evidence. I suspected for about a month or so. I can only think of one thing in life that might be more painful. I just try to stay strong for our 2 children who we told 2 nights ago that we are separating. I’m trying to be amicable but that doesn’t mean lying to myself, my wife, or my kids about how I feel. I definitely did not give the kids the rehearsed answers to the question “Why?” that our society so pathetically deems politically correct. When asked, I simply said, “I think that’s a question you need to ask your mother because I am not sure why as this is not something I want”.
I’m sure there are diferrent opinions as to whether that is the correct response, but I am not going to sugar-coat anything. In other related questions I do respond more as a united front with my wife but I’m not going to lie or even perpetrate an inaccurate description of what’s going on. It’s really naive to think that any relationship ends mutually. Anytime I’ve seen it there is one person moving on and one left behind in deep sorrow. I do believe that this is something I will grow as a person from and I have to admit that in theory I don’t want to be with someone that doesn’t love me even though I do want to be with her because I haven’t stopped loving her yet.
Hi Candace. It has been over two years since your post. I can say I relate completely to what you are going through. I’ve been married for 13 years. There have been ups and downs, but I can honestly say that I love my wife; I always have. I’ve been faithful to her, never been with any other women. However, I do have to admit that one time around two years ago I got into series of e-mails with an ex-girlfriend. Nevertheless, I stopped it and never did anything like that since then. Yet, I think the damage was done.
We never went to any sort of counseling, and I truly regret that, because now my wife says she doesn’t love me anymore and that she has feelings for someone else. We are going through a separation process. Like you, I cry myself to sleep. We still sleep in the same bed, but I can’t really express how hard it is to have the person you love right beside you and not being able to share that love with her.
I know that she has contact with the other guy. She messages him at night while I pretend that I sleep. This situation is killing me inside. I feel desperate and don’t know what to do. I told my wife that I also would like to talk to other women, and that is how I landed on this website. Yet, I don’t feel ready to establish a connection with anyone while she is still in my heart. I have a beautiful 11 year old daughter and pray everyday that my wife will see what truly is important in life and that I love her with all my heart. I hope your problem had a good ending and I truly hope Candace you are happy again. God bless us all.
(AUSTRALIA) I think it is unfair that you say your wife came home late, without stating when that started. Maybe it was because she was the primary care giver for so long after the children came, and you were non compassionate, unromantic, non-communicative, and didn’t give priority time to her over work, kids, hobbies, and basically took your wife for granted till she had had enough.
I have been married for 11 years, and have been communicating this to my husband for 7 of those years. I am at the point of staying out late and giving up.
Be real about the facts, and if you could turn back time, would you treat her better? I wonder.
(USA) Assume much? His wife said she wanted to see another man, and you blame the betrayed husband? Rich, really rich.
(US) I have been guilty of feeling that I didn’t do enough for my wife… only to reference a timeline of when she stopped responding to my efforts. We were caught in the trap of life with an unplanned pregnancy and simultaneous lay-offs. We married before it all. She is gorgeous but I feel has a mild form of Body Dismorphia from being harassed by her mother with a camera all of her life. Then came a pregnancy and more body issues.
Now she has reclaimed her beauty and had an affair with a man twice her age but I still love her. She has a new management position where she now feels empowered but only because of a previous management position given to her by men that wanted her to succeed. She wasn’t even 21 and hadn’t worked there even a year before given that position. She is very talented so don’t get me wrong. She was just gorgeous first and in an occupation of men that thought they could work her to their advantage. Just as the affair.
My point being, that insecurity and blind ambition may lead to a divorce and a two year old little girl that may never have a memory of her mommy and daddy together. As she gets older she will have never known a real family either. I tried… still do, but when a person has made up their mind that they don’t want to hear it… all you have left is time. I don’t know of another man that could give this effort.
(USA) Wow… I have been married for almost 3 years and with him for almost six. I have heard about “what I did” from him for 6 years and he just didn’t seem to get it! I started talking to another man as friends and didn’t know I would develop feelings for him, now I believe I did because I was so vulnerable. I talked to this man for two years off and on but never saw him in person but I felt an emotional connection because he paid me attention and told me I was pretty and and took the time to see how I was doing and feeling– something my husband never did. I began to not want to be involved with my husband sexually because I felt that’s all I was good for and we both became more and more frustrated with one another. I finally told my husband it was over and I wanted a divorce (not because the other guy because I did not want to be with this guy, but because I was tired of being ignored as a human being and just used for sex).
My husband then tried to be there for me a little more but I felt it was too late, so I started to ignore him and I would not have sex with him at all because in my heart at that time I felt it was over. Well about a month and a half after no sex and hardly any communication, I decided I wanted to make it work and try hard and my husband agreed. To my disbelief, I found out that during this time I said it was over he had slept with another woman twice. I was so devastated. My needs hadn’t been met for years but as soon as yours are not met, you sleep with another woman. He had ended it with the woman when I said I wanted to be back with him and she was so bitter she decided to Facebook me and tell me about the affair; he admitted to it and said he was going to tell me. I cried he cried he was very remorseful and begged for forgiveness and asked me not to leave. I went into a deep depression, we’ve lost our business and I’m just a mess. I at first agreed to work it out but I couldn’t get over the fact he had slept with someone else so we seperated. It’s been about 5 months since all the drama and I’m still hurt. I emotionally cheated and he physically cheated but it’s hard for me to forgive him. I told him I wanted a divorce but I’m stil not sure what I want. We have lost everything; he lost his job and I just don’t know what to do! Any suggestions?! We have a 4 year old son and he misses his dad a lot!
(CANADA) Hi everybody! ok I need some serious help!!
I have been separated from my husband for 6 months now. We have 2 beautiful kids together. We seperated because he beat me badly. It was his first time hitting me like that, but it also happened in front of my kids. Me and him fought constantly and he was always damaging the house throwing glass, breaking everything in front of the kids and disrespecting me on a normal daily basis. Now we had great moments together, and I was a stay at home wife/mother. Cleaned 24/7, cooked, even catered to him (husband) when he would still be in bed.
I would be 9 months preg with the kids and I never heard “honey sit down and relax.” Anyway, he constantly hurt me mentally. I always had self-confidence, Thank God. But he always put me down and made me feel worthless of everything I did. He wouldn’t even motivate me to drive, so in that case got married at 18 and never taught me or got me someone to teach me to drive. So the kids and I were at home 24/7 sitting between walls, never left the house. He would be at work all day, then come home take a shower and leave again all night. But I couldn’t have friends or even hang out anywhere.
He never one time came and told me “I’m taking you out for dinner – just me and you. It always had to be with other people and the kids. We’ve been married for 7 years and never had privacy; there always had to be other people hanging out with us, and I mean it’s always his family members. Anyway, so in Nov 2011, he was coming and going we agreed to make it work for the kids. I tried everything on my end, but he wouldn’t even try the things I wanted to prove to me that he changed. So for the past month he and I haven’t talked to each other because he asked me if I was coming home soon. I told him I couldn’t answer that.
So he got so mad that he made a really rude comment about a pic that I had sent him, and he thought was totally sexy, but he tells me I look bad in it and other hurtful things, so then he tells me lose my number and instead I went and changed mine. So I just gave up, he didn’t even call on his daughter’s first birthday that was on January 3rd.
Please, I need some good advice. I’m so stressed out, I feel lost. He’s the type of man that thinks every girl wants him, and I’m nothing. Honestly I’m not trying to sound big headed, but I’m a very beautiful, big hearted girl. I never even talked back and always respected him. Now, I find out he’s going out every night, and I’m sure doing other things. I’m home every night with my kids, don’t go out – nothing. Everything I do is with my kids.
I’m also very young, mid 20’s.
(RSA) My husband kicked me out of our home. Its been 3 months now. I left with just my clothes. He took our car keys from me and refused for me to take our kids. He was married before and his first wife cheated on him with every guy that crossed her path. I ended up being accused every day that I was being unfaithful to him. This is the second time he has kiced me out of our home. Now my love for him is dying. The first time around I was 7 months pregnant when he kicked me out.
We have talked over our issues and he has asked me to come back home. The only reason I have not been back is because when he told me to leave he told me he regreted asking me to come back the first time.
I still hurt. He tells everyone that he kicked me out because I provoked him by telling him to make up his mind whether he wanted to stay with me or not. The only reason that I said that, was because I was tired of him threatening me with divorce every time he chose to argue with me. We have 2 awesome kids 5 and 3. I miss them dearly. But now I’m having second thoughts about going back. He promised to include me in decisions that are made concerning our family but when it suits him he just doesn’t want to listen to reason. Now I’ve decided to make financial investments on my own because at the end of the day I have kids and I want them to be comfortable if anything ever happens to me. While he is the type that fuels his ego by aquiring expensive cars, all the while no secure investments are being made.
It’s just nice to know I’m not alone. I used to cry myself to sleep at one point but now I have managed to find a way to block out the emotion. I’ve reached a point that I don’t want for him to touch me, while on the other hand wants to have me regardless of the circumstances, meaning even if I’m sick, and I refuse completly he’ll go to the extent of climbing on top of me and pleasuring himself. This makes me feel cheap. I’ve told him that but he says that as long as I’m his wife it’s not wrong.
(BULGARIA) You have three “childrens”? Are you serious?
(USA) Honestly, I think all of yall have fell off yer rockers!!! Why in the world would someone want to sit and wait for possibly EVER on a P.O.S. of a spouse while they could be with someone else who they dearly love and are way more compatible with? Hmmmm…
(USA) Because we have a contract with God and each other to be faithful and when you cheat while still married, you have breached that contract!
(CANADA) God wants us to be happy… he wants us to make decent decisions for ourselves that is why he gave us a brain. I had a cheating husband and I would never go back. I don’t cheat and I don’t tolerate that. I had an expectation and he did not meet that so now I am dating a wonderful person and he won’t sign divorce papers. I have never disrespected someone in my whole life to this point so I refuse to let someone do that to me… which means I will keep dating and enjoying my new life with a person who will never disrespect me nor treat me lowly.
I think God, who I have a personal relationship with, gave me free will to know right from wrong. I am going to keep doing the right thing for me. Those men can keep their disgusting lifestyle to themselves. I say to these other woman get tested in case he gives you something you will never be able to let go of. Also think about the disrespect of yourself that you just let your children see. If you have girls it’s even worse.
(AMURICA) That contract is in breach, my friend, due to no fault of mine. Do you hear me? I did NOTHING. It happened when she left my ring and a Dear Chuck letter. As for God, if God cared about that contract, he could have dipped his little hand down and stopped her from leaving. Or stopped her from going crazy, or stopped her from deciding I did something that I know (and GOD knows) I never did, or a million other things to make life easier for us, so that this didn’t happen. So don’t preach to me about a ____ing contract, dig? That contract is null and void, and for all I care, your God and my estranged wife can sit there and watch me date whoever I choose!
(US) Buck your an idiot!
(USA) Oh the irony. While I might agree, it’s more properly said, “Buck you’re an idiot.” Your is possessive form. You’re is a compound contraction of you are. I just love irony, it’s so much fun.
(UNITED STATES) I agree with SmartOne. I think getting involved in a sexual or even emotional relationship while separated from your spouse can lead to confusion and sometimes bigger troubles. I have witnessed 2 such instances. One involved a female dating a “separated man” in which he promised to divorce his wife. Instead he got her pregnant, left her for his wife, and still got yet another woman pregnant in less than a couple of months. In another situation, a male who was separated got his girlfriend pregnant, left her and began dating another woman who refused to let him see his newborn. He also doesn’t help out with his two kids with his actual wife. The bad part is that these are educated people that should and could do better which goes to show that it can happen to A-N-Y-B-O-D-Y. Avoid the complications and nonsense and just wait until the divorce is final to keep lives from being ruined.
(UNITED STATES) Because you don’t really know that the next person loves you, and you don’t know that you truly love them. You need time to develop such bonds, and even though you can come to “love” someone else while you’re married, emotions can become confused and you may think that you really care about each other when really it’s only a friends love.
If you throw yourself at the idea that this love is the same as married love, you risk not only losing your spouse, and potentially yourself… but a friend.
(U.S.) Oh goodness… this is why the divorce rate is so high in this generation. Jesus Christ is the reason we should wait for a “POS” (which God would never consider any of his children). God loved us so much no matter how many times we mess up or how badly we mess up that he sent his son to die for us and thank him for that or all of us would be going to hell. We don’t deserve his unconditional love and faithfulness. All of us sin and fall short, not just the husbands and wives that are being ranted and raved about on this site.
Marriage is a covenant, it is a sacred bond between you, your spouse and God. He created marriage as a symbol of his love for the church. Your love for your spouse should be an example of Jesus’ love and faithfulness for you. No where in the Vows does it say, I will only be there for you during the good times… nope, it says through sickness and in health, richer or poorer, for better or worse… not only when the sun is shining, and only when you bring me flowers, etc.
The problem today is many of us place our spouse on a pedastal where Christ should be. We make our spouse “our God” (idolatry) and set them up to fail and then when they disappoint us and make us “empty” we have an excuse to leave or have an affair… I don’t think so! Humans are selfish and marriage has no room for self centerdness… only Christ can make us whole. Your spouse cannot. When your spouse fails, God is the only one who can fill in that hurt with healing. He is the only one after an affair that can heal your heart and give you enough peace to forgive.
God bless any of you who have been hurt by your spouse emotionally or physically… but giving up isn’t the answer. (Chronic abuse or a habitual cheating isn’t what I am talking about here). You made a promise to your wife/husband and God, you signed a contract and are bound together as one. It only takes one spouse to try for the other to maybe see things differently. And do you know what? Even if your spouse doesn’t try for the next 5 yrs, you only answer for you, not your spouse.
Keep putting in the work and looking to Christ to fulfill your needs or you’ll never be happy. It isn’t your spouse’s job to fulfill you, but to love and respect you in the hard times as well as the good.
Buck, I hope God has softened your heart in between now and the time you had written your comment. God Bless and I hope all of you find healing and come closer to God through all of your uphill battles. Ps. 16:8
(USA) Hope, I agree with you wholeheartedly! Many, many people ask, why have you not left her yet?! Or, how can you put up with that for so long? (It’s been over a year now). Because God joined us together! (and all else you mentioned, I believe).
Even if our divorce goes through, she may come out of her *delusion*, and reconcile …someday. God CAN change her heart. I love her as Christ has loved the church, unconditionally. I have forgiven her. It is all up to her, and her relationship to God.
God bless all in similar situations!
(USA) Buck, I agree. I’m being forced into a separation period of one year because of the state we got married in. Neither of us cheated; it just wasn’t working anymore. While being separated I ran into my old childhood love and sparks started flying immediately. Why should I have to wait to pursue something that my heart wants just because I’m being forced to try to work on something that just isn’t going to happen?
On one hand I can be completely miserable trying to fix something thats been broke for a very long time, or on the other hand I can be completely ecstatic about being with someone who I was absolutely crazy about in the past and who still makes me feel that way with just a smile.
(US) It’s all in a refreshing newness that will eventually get just as stale as your marriage. If all you need is for more time and effort and honesty in your marriage, stop being lazy and figure out what is missing. It takes work to figure it out. Not from your hands and your back but from your mind and soul.
(US) No one ever marries from being incompatible or blind stupidity. It’s all a matter of timing and when you both got too lazy in your marriage for it to make sense anymore. Everyone eventually wants something more until they realize what they had. Then it’s a matter of it being too late. The ones who suffer in the beginning are the ones who have been taken advantage of, having a well defined truth of love for the other. The oath breaker will be the one to suffer in the long eventual path. They will have a well defined truth of regret.
(USA) James, I have not gotten lazy in my marriage, I still love and honor my husband as I vowed I would. I take my vows seriously. But what happens when my husband decides he is no longer in love, he has lost the “spark” we once had (I never lost the spark I have for him) and wants out? Have I somehow failed? I have tried everything to change his mind. I want him to stay but he is planning on moving out. And during this separation is planning on openly dating. I don’t know how to handle this or what to do
(USA) My wife left me one month ago. It was mostly all my fault. We have been married for 10yrs. I have now decided to change even though I am 10yrs too late. I told her I am willing to do anything. I pray and read scriptures everyday now. I have never been this low before in my life but I have never had such a powerful desire to do anything for my marriage until now. It took her leaving for me to realize how much I loved and needed her. We have to kids under the age of 6. She says she cannot just come back because I am now willing to change, she says she is broken and I have waited too long. I love her so much and have so many plans for a wonderful future but I need her to want to make it work. Any suggestions?? Any one have a similar situation?? I am desparate.
(USA) I am in a similar situation. I’ve been married for 11 years and my decided that she wanted to separate. She had already been seeing another man when I caught her cheating. She blamed it on me not showing her enough attention during the 11 yr. marriage. I agreed to the separation because she was going to continue to see this man anyway so I decided to give her some space.
Now it kills me to see her leave to go and see him. Constantly talk to him. I pray everyday that she comes back to me but she doesn’t. We have some spurts of togetherness but she just turns on me when she is involved with him. She claims she wants to find herself and it has nothing to do with this new man.
I’ve also discovered that there are other men as well and how do I cope with this? I drink and smoke constantly and don’t know what else to do??? I feel for you because I’m in the same boat. Maybe when she gets this out of her system we can move forward with fixing our marriage. Until then this is what it is and the way it is.
(USA) “I drink and smoke constantly and don’t know what else to do???” Do you really think that is helping? I love my husband, but his constant drinking became an addiction and he began to resent and mistreat me. We have 4 children and I put up with the mistreatment for a very long (too long) time. I finally gave him a choice – get sober or leave.
I would LOVE to reconcile, but know it is not possible until he learns to deal with life in ways other than drinking and smoking. Those two are a deal killer – as is the resulting flirtatious behavior. If you want to have any type of mature relationship with your wife, grow up. She may not be interested in reconciling the marriage, but she will have a lot more respect for you and you for yourself.
(USA) Crushed…someone needs to research and plot a graph. X axis = #years married vs…Y axis = wife gets bored and starts sleeping around.
My guess is most marriages around that 9-15 year stretch start to take a turn. People get bored. Whatever kids there may be, unfortunately, accelerate problems, because the value and importance of raising children is not recognized. That also happens to be the most important job parents have. Man makes a million dollars a year, big deal. A wife raises three kids while he’s gone to work, now that’s a real job.
My personal belief is this. Men and women fall in love, get married, and have kids. They must maintain and exhaust every effort to keep the marriage together. When one gets bored and starts foolin around, it becomes nearly impossible to get back together. The grass may be greener on the other side, but it’s still just grass and it need cutting and fertilizing too. No matter which yard you wind up in, you’d better be willing to work your hind end to keep the weeds out… Hang in there.
(USA) Crushed Huz, I feel your pain as I was in a similar situation. The first thing I want to tell you is to stop blaming yourself. Your wife left to fulfill her own selfish needs plain and simple as that. You may love your wife with all your heart and soul but it seems like your wife does not love you the same way.
Your wife is doing what she wants to do regardless of how you feel. What you need to ask yourself is how can you be with someone who repeately disregards your feelings, who what it seems like flaunts her relationship openly in front of you, and refuses to stop long enough to try and work on your marriage.
I don’t know what happened between you and your wife to cause this but do you really believe that you deserve this kind of treatment? “Finding herself” is just something to say to justify her adultery. You can drink and smoke all you want but until you stand up and stop being a doormat nothing will change. You should be praying for wisdom instead of the return of your wife.
(US) Maybe I am wrong for saying this but I definitely have enough love and respect for myself to NOT put up with that behavior from someone I am married to.
If she truly loved you then she would not be living with you and sleeping with someone else. It sounds like she is doing that for financial convenience, and not because she truly loves you.
I think you need to tell her to end her relationship with this guy and if she is unwilling then you know that she is not willing to work on your marriage and you are wasting your time.
You only live once in this life, so be happy. You need to start dating and exploring other opportunities because if someone loved you then they would definitely NOT be doing what she is doing to you.
Believe me I know… I am married and do not love my husband anymore. It would be easy for me to sleep with someone else because I no longer love my husband nor have a bond.
(US) Are you two back in the marriage now?
(UNITED STATES) I completely understand how much you love your wife. But… man, she is been sleeping around with so many men and you still want her to come back to you? She said that you did not give her enough attention during the marriage. By sleeping with other men, do you think that will get attention. She sure sounds like a very insecure person to me and sleeping with so many men makes her a…
Sorry to say that I know you still love her. Hung in there, I promise you there is one woman out there that will love you and will be loyal to you. Be ready to give her your full love.
(MEXICO) I’m in the same situation as your wife. And I’m just waiting for my husband to tell me he wants to try it again … Both of us lost something along the way, but at the same time we both gain a lot, because we could appreciate the good of each other.
But now we are afraid of rejection and no one wants to take the first step. Do not wait anymore, tell her. Tell her that you love her, you do not have anything more to lose, and you could gain a lot!!! Tell her as many times as is necessary, until she understands it, and feels it again… Good luck!!!!
(US) Hi Gary, I am in similar situation except I have given up on my husband of 3.5 years that refused to grow for the benefit of his life at work and with me. I talked to him hundreds of different ways and had counselors talk to him and he waited until I told him that I no longer love him and I want to leave to finally decide to recognize that he has to do something instead of hiding and hoping the problems will go away. I feel completely frustrated, resentful and full of hate toward him at the moment and the only thing I can do at this moment so that I do not go crazy is take a break from him.
If you want your wife back then you are really going to have to prove that you deserve her back & that requires doing something extreme to really show it. It cannot just be minimal changes. It has to be something big to show how sorry you are. If you figure something big out to prove to your wife that you will be the kind of husband she deserves share it with my husband because as it stands now, I don’t think he can ever make up for all the pain that he has caused me.
I think your wife has been more than patient with you and I think maybe you should go to counseling to get the help you need. I bet the changes she wants you to make are changes that would benefit other aspects of your life like work or social situations. At least that is what my husband finally recognized after going to counseling.
I just don’t think I want to waste anymore time on him, hoping he is going to treat me with the respect and love any wife deserves nor truly understands how to keep up with me.
Currently I am totally confused because I feel that I want and need to end this unhappy marriage (I have thought of ways to end my suffering with him) to get my happiness and self back but I am confused because he is finally recognizing his unhealthy and damaging thinking and behaviors. He is finally seeing clarity and trying to grow. I just don’t love him anymore and think he is not worth the wait. He has sooo much growing to do that I don’t want to waste another 3 years of my life in hopes he will be able to grow to be the person I need that can understand and complete my happiness instead of tying me down because he is too slow, with no energy, talks monotone, no emotions or feelings because he is afraid of them & cannot even fulfill my sexual needs.
Luckily I do not have kids but I do not feel that I have anything to hold on in this marriage that is worth more unhappiness and suffering… Any advice from people in similar situations would be appreciated.
(USA) Heather, My situation is very similar to yours, but I’m on the other side. My wife and I have been married for 3.5 years and we have a 2.5 year old son. We separated in June. My wife left because over the past year or so she grew distant from me because I was not giving her the love and attention that she needed. It wasn’t that I don’t love my wife, I just tried to show her by doing more “things”, like laundry, dishes, taking care of my son, stuff around the house, ect.
We had a few conversations, but I just didn’t get it. She just wanted to cuddle on the couch with me, or kiss me or for me to just show her physically that I still loved her. She thought that I had stopped trying to fight for our relationship and in return she stopped doing so.
In the 2.5 months since we separated I have realized what I was doing and how I was going about things in the wrong way. All I want to do now is to be able to cuddle up with her at night on the couch, but now it’s too late! I just found out that she is already dating someone else, who I’m sure is doing all the things that I had neglected to do. What makes it worse is we are splitting custody with our son, so I still have to see her a few times a week, knowing she is with someone else! My insides are torn apart!
My advice to you is if you still love your husband you need to seriously talk to him and gauge him, maybe even take some time apart. He will quickly realize what he is going to lose! My wife told me she didn’t want to wait 10 years and look back and have resentment. She also now says that it shouldn’t have gotten to this point for me to realize what I should have been doing! I would do anything for 1 more chance with my wife, but it seems for me, I’m not going to get it. If you still have any love for your husband give him that one more shot. It may be all that he needs.
(AUSTRALIA) Heather, your husband sounds depressed. That thing that Jim said about leaving him for a little while might work for him. I.E. it might be a shock, but force him to become more energetic, and snap out of his funk. But stay classy and don’t take a lover. Just pursue some of the things you are interested in. Your husband will probably change his ways, and fast. If you can’t give it just a few months, did you really mean your vows (sickness and health, better or worse)?
Even three years for him to get better isn’t that long, and who even says it will take that long? Some good, albeit older women, stay with diabetic husbands sometimes who can’t get an erection for life, and don’t cheat. It sounds like it’s all about you. There’ll be improvement much sooner than that if he gets good help. It depends on if you meant your commitment. No excuses.
At Jim, I actually replied to talk to you. I feel so sorry for you. If you are doing heaps of chores, doing a great share of parenting wise and she still left you for affection reasons, and is with another man, I am sorry but she’s just a loose woman. She left because she wanted to sleep around. Some women are like that, especially in their 30’s. Do not blame yourself. She could have told you what she wanted if it was cuddles on the couch. But she didn’t. She didn’t want that, she wanted to sow her wild oats.
I have been there. I am not trying to hurt your feelings. Cut her loose, move on and never look back. The ink isn’t even dried on you Marriage Certificate after 3.5 years. Even if you took her back, you can be sure she’ll do it again. And see a lawyer today to cement access to your son.
You struggle with the feeling that marriage is forever and you forgive them for cheating, but by the time someone has cheated, unless they are very sorry, willing to be transparent about their life, they don’t love you. The relationship is over. Their heart is not in it. Do you want proof? Ask her if she’s sorry she’s dating someone else, and gauge if she cares about your feelings anymore.
(AUSTRALIA) Sorry, at Jim. Do you think if your wife wanted you to give her a cuddle on the couch, if that was the real issue, that she could not have told you in a way that you’d get it? Like “Jim, I’m feeling neglected physically. I need cuddles. It’s important to me. In fact, I am not prepared to put up with not having that in my life, so if you don’t start showing me you love me, I am going to find it elsewhere.” You clearly loved her, and that is going to jolt any man into action after he gets over being upset. But she didn’t express it in a way that you got it, because it’s an excuse.
(USA) Yes. It’s a book called The 5 Love Languages
. Read it. It will help.
(UK) Gary, I think things happen for a reason. My husband did the same to me -Ajay
(UNITED STATES) I am in a similiar situation too. I’ve been with my wife for 12 yrs. My wife and I are now separated now for about 4 1/2 mos. She says it’s because of my trust issues, but she was fully made aware of that the day we decided to become a couple. All in all I love her very much, and nothing but infidelity would change that. Even then I would still love her, but the betrayal of that would not make me see her differently from any other woman in the world.
We were trying to reconcile, but when things become good, she put up this wall, which causes us to go backwards instead. I can understand being afraid of being hurt again, but the thing is, I’m just finding out she was even hurting. Sometimes she makes me feel she can’t fully commit back to the marriage because there might possibly be another man. I just don’t have proof.
We had a beautiful family and marriage. Sometimes she makes me feel the trust factor is just a cop out. We have 6 children, 2 from her first marriage, 2 from my first marriage, and 2 together. She was I believe, a good wife. I say I believe because I feel she hid her feelings instead of sitting down with the one she said to love, and letting it out. Instead she held things in for as she says, for the past 2 1/2yrs without saying something. Which caused a lot of resentment and hatred on her behalf. She says I was a good husband and father, but because of my trust issue, she says it hurt her too bad. All this time, I’m not even knowing we are having issues in the marriage. We were still interacting just as when we first met.
Still good friends, parents, and companions, at least that’s what was being shown to me. Though my wife says I hurt her, I still feel somewhere she betrayed me by taking this approach to this situation. I feel like it’s a cop out because times started to get a little harder financially. It was for the past 12 yrs. one income, and not the best one at that. Nevertheless I worked my a.. off, sometimes anywhere from 14 to literally 24 hours daily, with only 2 maybe 3 hours of sleep sometimes. Those hours may sound crazy to some, but those are the facts. She said she understood that, but really I don’t believe she did.
Also the reason my wife didn’t work is because she doesn’t have citizen status here. This is also one reason we would get into disagreements or arguments because I was concerned about where would we be as a couple once she actually got the citizenship. The reason was because of the rages she would go in if I just brought it up. It made me feel that there was some guilt concerning it.
Before she actually moved out she started working out really hard, stopped serving the Heavenly Father, started back wearing everyday revealing attire, tight jeans, short cut shorts and boots. With a very small income, The Most High God has allowed me to provide well for a family of 8, but I don’t believe that was good enough for her in some sense, which is why I feel the trust issue is just a cop out. I trust in the Most High God with all I have, and he doesn’t command us to trust any but Him. I think my mistake was letting her know my weakness “trusting people” Micah 7:5. As far as trusting her totally, according to the word of the Most High, this was appearently normal Numbers 5:12-22. I still have hopes of us working things out, but it’s not looking too good now. She’s enjoying the world a little too much.
(CANADA) I’m in the same situation. I’m separated now for one month. My wife comes over every day, like nothing is wrong, like she has the best of 2 worlds. What should I do?
(USA) Sorry to hear that Gary. I too am in the same boat as you. My wife told me a few weeks ago that she wasn’t in love with me anymore but she still loved me. She also said she wanted me to leave and she wanted us to take this time to work on ourselves. I didn’t not want this and begged for her to change her mind. But she didn’t. I should have seen it coming. She has told me times before that she was unhappy. I would change things maybe for a few days then go back to my same old ways.
Let me say this I have never cheated nor did I ever think about it. I love my wife with all my heart and soul and I will always. Since the separation I have done a complete 180 and she knows it but she is not ready and doesn’t know if she will ever be (her words not mine). I try everyday to convince her to let me prove it to her that I’m changed but she doesn’t want anything to do with me.
I think that if you are married and especially if you have children you should exhaust every option before ending it. She has not worked on one single issue that she said she would. I think she doesn’t want to face her own demons. She drinks to hide the pain and can’t stop. I have to tell myself every day that God has a plan for each of us and he will not give you more than you can handle. I think as long as you believe that and take one day at a time things will work out for you. I pray that all of our situations will work out for the best. Best wishes to you, my friend.
(UNITED STATES) I understand what you’re going thru. I’ve been separated for two months now and I am truly miserable. It was my husband’s idea to separate and it makes it harder that I live right down the street from him. The house was in his name only so I had to go get my own place. I have no desire to date anyone and I won’t while I’m still married, as hard as the loneliness gets.
But it’s him I miss and he knows I want to work on the marriage and would like to go to counceling, but so far he won’t go with me. I’ve gone on my own to counseling anyway to do what I can on my part. He did say he would go talk to someone on his own, but so far he hasn’t. We’ve been together for 6 years and married for 3 and for most of the time we’ve had a really good realationship, but this last year he hasn’t been happy, he said. I just pray every day that he will want to work on this and reconcile, but it is hard when you want this very much and the other person doesn’t seem to want to work on it. I think all you can do is keep the door open and pray about it daily.
(UNITED STATES) I have a question which many do not ask any more today. Were either of you previously married, because if so… they need to return to their original husband or wife. It’s possible God is trying to restore the other marriage (the only one). When you fear the Lord and seek His will, You’ll realize the Bible never speaks about an ex-wife or second marriages, etc.
Many like to use the verse about “fornication” but their hearts are hardened. That verse is cleared up by Jesus later saying how it was not permitted or not so since the beginning. What God has united let no man put asunder. Basically, after the first marriage (converted, not converted, etc.) there is no other marriage unless death separates them.
Please be careful.
The fact that you’re asking if you can date while your spouse is dating is a sure sign your heart is beginning to harden. Your wife is deceived and needs prayer. Most importantly, read your Bible and ask God for guidance. Be careful with those the enemy may use to have you abandon your wife and fall into sin as well. Many will tell you to move on, you can have another wife because she was unfaithful, etc.
We are living last days where many call evil good and good evil. Be vigilant for the enemy is seeking who to devour. He has been attacking the Christian homes for years and few have been able to stand firm in God’s will. God bless you.
(USA) So what is your wise and wonderful advice when one’s wife tells you: 1. I don’t love you 2. I’ve never loved you 3. I don’t respect you 4. You don’t make enough money 5. I’m not interested in the goal of a strong marriage 6. Time won’t change anything.
Three different marriage counselors over 15 years, various ministers and pastors, more prayers and tears than I can count over 23 years of a (non) marriage. She refuses to compromise, refuses to honor her vows, refuses to be an active participant in our marriage.
I don’t want a divorce, I want my wife, but she has rejected everything.
So what, exactly, is your wise and wonderful wisdom going to impart to me? Wait, let me guess… stay married, stay alone; she can do whatever she wants and you have no input or recourse whatsoever. I should just sit in a hole and call it God’s will, right?
Something is way, way not right here. God isn’t blind, and she entered into this union under false pretenses with no intention of being a wife, or of becoming one. Now I am the one that has to pay with pain and suffering till I die, never to feel love, never to pursue love, simply to exist, alone, rejected, betrayed. This is your idea of God’s perfect will, correct?
So there is no mercy, no grace, no forgiveness, no love.
(USA) Sorry but it if you got married in a church before God, that is the way it is. If you are a Christian you are supposed to be like Christ and love even if they don’t deserve it. That goes especially for your wife. There should be no such thing as Christians getting divorced. What are we telling the world about our faith?
Satan will attack you both with hopeless thoughts and desires, fight back. You must surround yourself with positive things such as God’s word, Christian radio, Christian TV, Christian friends, and of course church to find the love you need from God. You can’t stop your spouse from leaving but don’t let go of them, humbly talk to them about the things you find in your faith. Life is short and we will all answer to God someday for every word we spoke and every promises we broke. I know, I have been through it. Build your faith because it is the only thing no one can take away!!!
(UNITED KINGDOM) God is a God of compassion, love and mercy. My husband, a lovely Christian man, had an obsessive affair after 25 years of what I thought was a wonderful marriage, producing 4 amazing children. He has never asked to come back, says he does not love me, that he has not found me desirable for years, that he would not marry me if he had the opportunity to again.
Does God want me to not move on from this pain? My husband divorced me the day he gave his heart and then his body to someone else. He broke the covenant he had with me and with God regarding the marriage. He has no desire to renew it. God spoke to me clearly about this and when I was racked with guilt about pursuing a legal divorce (I could not get any financial settlement until I had a decree nisi) God said that ‘it is just a piece of paper to show what has already happened.’
I think we sometimes muddle actual divorce with a legal divorce in our culture. God wants us to move on, the fact is you are no longer married when one partner has acted in such a way, they have hardened their heart to God and their partner.
I love my husband and want the best for him. I forgave him the initial act and have to forgive him many things as he bungles his way through my childrens lives.
But for us to be back together, a new covenant would have to take place between us as the other is broken. As to whether or not I have another relationship after a divorce, I am a firm believer that God treats us as individuals. Seek Him for what he wants of your life. Being separated is a brilliant, but very painful time to deepen our relationship with God.
If you want to be married again, seek God about it, if you want to be back with your wife, seek God.
Throughout a very eventful life, I have learned one thing, God will either change your heart or change the circumstances. In either case the result is peace. To genuinely seek God for his will in your life is all we are called to do, it is putting Him first.
(AUST) Bill, the more I build my faith, the more I hear what the Holy Spirit is saying to me, the more I realise that a lot of teaching that has been imparted has been of men, not God. While well-meaning Christian friends were saying “stay” as the children and I were being soul-raped, God was saying, “Are you walking with me or following him down the road to hell? You can’t serve evil and God at the same time. Depart from evil.”
What does this say to the world? My worldly family thought my faith was bonkers that I insisted my kids be exposed to violence because divorce was not allowed. None of his church friends thought he was violent but such is the modus operandi of evil, that there must be a pretense. Everything is a lie, an image that must be preserved. He continues to pretend to be a righteous humble repentant Christian, manipulating anyone who is gullible enough to believe it.
Meanwhile, I refuse to be hoodwinked by his bullying and intimidation anymore. Counselors, pastors and friends may not see it, but anyone who understands how these people (Christian or not) operate, know that sometimes, what appears to be marital issues are not, and great harm is perpetrated by insisting that the victims have no way of escape.
May God be merciful to the many well-meaning mature Christian adults who thought they were doing us a great favor by encouraging us to work on our marriage. He is so zealous for children that He said that it would be better for a millstone to be tied around the neck of a person and thrown into the sea, than for that person to put a stumbling block in the way of a child. My children were not protected. All for the sake of misinterpretation of Scripture and a complete missing of the character of God. Just like in the days of the Pharisees.
(USA) Jake, My heart hurts for you that you feel you are “alone”. God never allows you to be alone but he won’t force you to seek him either. You are in a situation that you may have not chosen (as your wife left you), but you are in control of the decisions you make and where your life may be headed. Unfortunately, we live in a broken world full of sin, but God has given us hope and promises for our future. That hope is Jesus Christ.
Don’t hold on to this world or you will lose your soul that even means your wife. Don’t get caught up in the bitterness and resentment or you will continue to feel alone and miserable. Seek God, there is no better time than now.
No, I do not believe it was God’s will for your wife to do this to you. Everyone seems to just throw that term around so loosely. God’s will was never for any of us to live in pain and hurt, but by the actions of our first parents here we are and the only hope we have lies within him.
But God does have a plan for you and he is ALWAYS in control. He is the only one who can heal you and fulfill your needs fully. You will only answer for your actions and not your wife’s so focus on you and your healing. God never said you couldn’t be angry, but don’t hold onto it and let it consume your life give God your burden. Anything that consumes us or our time more than God becomes sinful. Obviously you are here for a reason so find your purpose, pray, pray, pray and live. God Bless! Jeremiah 29:11
(AUSTRALIA) Jake, don’t listent to the do-gooders, they have no idea about life or reality. God wants you to be happy he does NOT want you to stay in a relationship that is going nowhere. My advice is move on find someone who truly loves you for who you are. These people are NOT reflecting Gods will, but their own personal religious views.
And I need to point out when Jesus first revealed himself as the Messiah it was to a woman at the well, and Jesus himself told her she had 5 previous husbands and the man she was with now was not her husband. he had every chance to tell her there and then about the so called evils of divorce but he didn’t, he just said go tell them the Messiah is here. So if it was SO important why did he not address it at this point? Because it wasn’t compared to recognising who he is, so all your Judgers out there, take time to recognize who Jesus is, not pass juddgement on who you think we should be.
Marriage is meant to be forever and divorce is a last resort, however NO ONE ever should stay in a relationship, that is damaging. That is not Gods way, God is grace, forgiveness understanding and only God alone sees your pain and everything that led up to it, no human sees all of that therefore no human has a right to judge or place themselves in the position of God. I pray you find true love, for that IS God’s will.
(USA) Very good advice anonymous, I totally agree.
(USA) God does say in the case of Adultery, divorce is allowed. Of course, he wants us to try to make it work if at all possible.
I believe based on The Word, that one can remarry after Adultery and only after that but I would never ask a Pastor to do the wedding but go to the Magistrate.
(USA) What if the state you live in requires you be separated for a year before you can file for a divorce? And there is no plan for reconciliation. The decision to separate was mutual. Is it ok to date then?
Evelyn, You are still married, whether you have to wait one year or more. Give your heart time to heal before complicating matters more by bringing someone else into your life romantically. You’re too vulnerable to get more involved with someone else because of the pain you went through in this break-up. Give your heart time to heal. This is a time to reflect, a time to work on issues to lean toward getting healthy emotionally. ESPECIALLY if you have children, it’s best to slow down. A year is not too much to wait. You never know what a difference a year can make when you lean toward working on your own issues (we all have them). I can’t tell you what to do. But you are still married, whether you will reconcile or not, within this year waiting period.
(CANADA) I am in a 20 year marriage and supposed to be celebrating my 21st wedding anniversary tomorrow. Unfortunately for the past 5 months my husband has been excessively partying staying out all night with people I don’t know etc… I told him that I could not live that kind of life anymore waiting for him to have some time for me. He was emotional at that moment and I believed he cared. However, he said he could make no promises for change. Right now he cannot tell me he loves me and says that he does not know what he wants.
I am devastated by this and so hurt that he no longer wants to put any effort into our life together. He tells me that he’d rather not lie to me and tell me the things I want to hear. But this is killing me. I can’t sleep at night. I cry all of the time and I don’t know what to do. Would time away from one another help? What happens if he finds someone else while we are separated as he does like to drink and party. This would destroy me.
(ENGLAND) I have been separated from my husband for nearly 2 years. He used to beat me. Now that I live on my own with my children, we all feel happy away from him. He used to hit the kids too. I need some advice.
I recently met someone. He is my delivery driver. He delivers groceries to my door. We got talking in 2010 when my daughter passed. When I moved, he delivered groceries to my new home. He gave me his number. We are friends now, but he said that he fancies me and finds me very attractive. He wanted us to take our friendship further. I do fancy him too, and always did from when we first met. But because I’m still married I feel like I cant move on.
I feel like I have deceived my estranged husband even when we don’t live together anymore. I don’t love him anymore. I just want to move on but how can? I’m not committing adultery. Please give me some advice. I feel so unhappy.
(USA) I have been separated from my husband for 4 months. I have a son under 7 years old and I am seeing soneone. I don’t know if it is ok if I have him spend the night with my son there. Please help me.
(USA) On July 4th my wife informed me she was seeing someone else. After 14 years this was devestating.We have a 6 year old son together and my 14 year old step-daughter still lives with me. I am the only source of income for this broken family as she lives away from home and hasn’t worked for 5 years. I would like to move on but I made a promise ” Till death do us part ” I’m alone and lonely but just don’t think I have the MOJO to meet anyone again.
(US) I needed to hear this. My husband and I have been separated several times and each time he dates and I do not. We are separating again, and while he has shown great interest, I know it’s not right to date while married. I also know that I could never give myself to another while so in love with another. I love my husband so much but his constant affairs and emotional abuse make feel an immense about of guilt and I don’t know why.
(USA) Filed in Feb. I have temporary joint custody of 2 girls 8, 9. Ordered to pay half mortgage, child support, and find a apartment and move in within 5 days. The day after I moved out my wife moves in her 16 year younger than her boyfriend, (his cousin’s wife and infant) into our home. I don’t know these people and she has known them for 2 months. Crazy? It has taken 3 months for my attorney and I to get the court to order background checks on these people and we can’t get them to give us their names and birth dates. The GAL is recommending I get full custody but the trial won’t be for several more months. Anyone gone through this?
(UNITED STATES) I agree. It’s not a good idea to date during a separation. I made that mistake a it cost me my marriage. I’m still in love with my former husband and I cannot move on. I never had an affair while we were under the same roof. It wasn’t until we separated that I had an affair because I dated a guy at my work place. He knew I was vulnerable and I fell into the trap. Oh, how I wish I could turn back the hands of time. I wouldn’t have given going out with him a second thought. My husband didn’t know about the affair. Only until we got back together, I confessed the affair to my husband. Everyone thought I was crazy for volunteering the information to him, but I couldn’t live with myself sleeping next to him every night. I was so convicted, I had to tell him knowing that it cost me my marriage. And it did.
(NIGERIA) Hi all! Well, coming back after a separation/divorce is possibly as interesting as the period which may have straightened up certain issues that were the problems in the relationship.
Last year my husband gave me a lot of trouble and I stayed away for 10 days until we reconciled. But now I have been out since April cos we had a serious clash and after a few days he called me to inform me that the marriage is over between us. He claimed I showed him no respect by mentioning what I felt were the misgivings in our union.
I moved out from our home 3 weeks after. It is now over a month, yet I feel caged even though I do not exactly miss him; only I have respect for him.
We lived together for 11 years, but were legally married for 8 years, though in all, we had 13 years relationship. Does anything stop me from dating? After all he ended the relationship. We agreed on consent divorce but now he is dragging. I now look better than ever but am confused about what step to take.
(US) Hi Tricia, I think since he ended it you are free to date other people and you both have actually filed the divorce papers so that means he does not want to fix things. Go enjoy yourself because you only live once!
(USA) I asked for the separation after 10 years of dating and 5 years of marriage because I wasn’t happy…too many things just weren’t. I believe we got married for the wrong reasons and tried to make it work. We are both seeing other people. I’m not dating seriously but I do see someone on a regular basis. We clicked from the beginning. I find myself constantly comparing him to my husband. By no means is this other man perfect (no one is) but he offers so much more emotionally, we have so much in common and really enjoy each other’s company.
The problem is I am not built for this dating game. I enjoyed BEING married, being a mom & being a wife. Long story short… I cannot go back to my marriage after experiencing this little bit of happiness & I find myself rushing to have more with this man, which I know is a mistake… Everyone keeps telling I started dating too soon and should have “taken time for myself”… WHATEVER THAT MEANS.
(AUST) Confused, what it means is that when you separated. You’re likely to fall for the next person you start seeing, who is actually a bad choice, but to who you can talk about anything with, seem to have everything in common with, who is way better than your husband in every way. It’s exciting. But it’s rarely the real McCoy.
In separation you can look for qualities your ex didn’t have but be completely blind to the new person’s problems.
What they’re saying is that you need to give yourself time (talking in terms of at least a year or two), reestablishing yourself as a single person, rediscover who you are now, not when you married, not what you’re like as part of a couple. Rediscover your likes, dislikes, trying new experiences, out of a relationship, as a single person. There is no shortcut.
One sign you’re ready is if you’re not comparing to your husband anymore. Your husband is not in a fair fight with a new man for your affections. He does not have novelty. You know all of his jokes, etc. Try to explore some new ground with your husband before letting him go. You’ve had enough in common for 10 years together.
(USA) Hello all, I added a comment not too long ago about agreeing that it’s not a good idea to date while going through a separation. I still stand by that. I am divorced from my husband, 1 month shy of a year. I am still standing in faith that God will restore our marriage. Should I still not date, being a divorced woman? I know that I am free to do so, but will God still answer my prayers for my husband and myself to restore this marriage? I get lonely and want the company of the opposite sex at times –not for the physical but for dinners, jogs around the track and maybe a movie. Am I fooling myself?
(SOUTH AFRICA.) Wow, Gloria… I’m in the same situation you were in… I see this entry is very old… I’d love to know if God restored your marriage… I’ve been hoping for the same thing this last year… would love to hear what has happened since then.
(UNITED STATES) No offense, but I think if God was going to reconcile the marriage, then he would have done it before the divorce was final. What’s the point of getting divorced and then later on getting remarried again? I think you need to move on. God has a plan for you, just gotta trust Him.
(USA) It’s not common, but occasionally people do get back after divorce. There is a good reason for it. The reason is, the people who get back together know that they where meant for each other. That pride and selfishness caused a divorce.
(USA) Does he really have a plan for me, or does he have a plan just because you said he does?
Like I’m supposed to believe in this mythical person or entity is watching over every single marriage and person and situation going on in this world. It’s hard to believe, I don’t go to church because I feel as a 34 yr old man that religon should not be forced, and I also believe that God does not cost money.
Am I just supposed to listen then to the minister on TV and send in my 29.95 for some material Item that will bring eternal bliss to my life and or the worldly issues I’m dealing with? I wish I knew.
But If he is real then what has went on in my life and marriage is a really sick joke, he must be the greatest comedian.
(US) Hi Gloria, You are doing yourself a serious injustice by not moving on and dating when you are really divorced. Please go meet someone and enjoy because this life is so short and not worth limiting yourself in hopes of something that seems to me like it is never going to happen!
Hi Gloria, If you are “standing in faith” that God will restore your marriage, what kind of a message will you be sending to your husband if you date another man? It’s understandable that you’re lonely, but it sends a mixed message that taking care of your loneliness is more important than “standing.” Standing means you are unmovable — not moving in another direction. And what man, that you would date, would be satisfied with just “going to a movie” or “going out to dinner” without eventually wanting more? You can do that with female friends or a group of people, but a man, when he has the opportunity to be one-on-one with a female usually wants more, and believe me, your husband would know that.
Plus, you’ve shown your weakness in the past with how you get involved when a man shows you attention, why would this be different for you? It would be a way of throwing yourself into a tempting situation for you and for the other man. And again, your husband could very well look at it this way. He would figure that you did it once — why would he think you would do otherwise this time?
If you’re standing — stand! Don’t cave in to temptation to inch in another direction. It could be the ruin of whatever chance you could have of reconciling. It would be good for your husband to see that no matter how lonely you were or are, no one else could take his place. You made that mistake once, I hope you won’t repeat it.
(USA) Thank you Cindy, your insight means a lot. I knew deep in my heart that it wouldn’t be right and to be honest, I’m not interested in getting into a relationship except for my husband. I do have 3 sister girlfriends that I can spend time with. They always offer their company and thank God. I’ll take them up on it from now on!!
(USA) Hi Cindy, I really appreciate your insight and value your input on some things I may not be too clear on. I ended a friendship with a guy just so things wouldn’t get any more complicated. This is not the same guy I had the affair with. My friendship with this guy was strictly platonic. I am not attracted to him in any way, but I can’t say the same about his feelings towards me.
I have taken your advice and I call on my girlfriends when I get lonely and yet, I don’t get lonely that much any more. I spend a lot of time with the Lord and enjoy my peace and solitude until I see my boys on the weekends. Anyway, I can see the Lord working about this situation between my former husband and I. I don’t want to get too excited about it, but I cried little tears of joy when I talked to my husband last night. He told me of a business he wanted to get off the ground while still working full time, and asked me if I could help him in getting it organized to get started. Of course I told him yes because I love him to life.
A part of me is hesitant about it because I may just be used for that reason and he still does not want me as his wife again. I know I’m probably answering my own question. Should I let God continue to work and not let satan put those negative thoughts in my mind? I would love your feedback Cindy. God bless you.
(USA) Hi, I was browsing through the topic of separation. I’m not at all interested in dating someone else while separated from my husband. We have been married for almost nine years, but seven months ago he packed his things, said he wasn’t happy and that he wanted to be by himself (that’s the short version). Anyway, I was reading that the goal of separation should be reconciliation. My husband’s words when asked what was the purpose of his leaving said that he felt that we were "attempting reconciliation the last three years of our marriage" and that his goal is divorce and apologized for things not working out.
Now, my question is what do I do when I’m the only one who seeks to reconcile? I have been praying and searching God’s word for the answers that I need. I know that there is nothing too big for my God. I just feel really helpless right now. Maybe that means that I need to just increase my faith. Next question, how do I know if it is not in God’s will that this man no longer be my husband? (I only ask that because of some issues we have had in our marriage.) Sorry for rambling on, but I would love someone else’s take on the situation.
(USA) Hi Christina, I understand this is a difficult time for you. You gave a short version of the difficulties of your marriage, so it’s hard to give you an accurate word of advice. God is looking for us as individuals to trust and love Him completely. He knows what’s best in our life.
We need to understand as Christians, that His will is perfect and when we don’t pray for God’s will to be done, then we’re trying to do something our own way and that’s not His will. You said “I know that there is nothing too big for my God. I just feel really helpless right now. Maybe that means I just need to increase my faith.” The first part is exactly right. What you need to do is know that God is in control.
Your part is to pray for your husband, always show love for him, and allow God to do His will. Remember, YOU can’t increase your faith. God is due all the glory for all things in our life. You need to earnestly pray for God’s will, not YOUR will, to be done in your life if you’re searching for what is good, true, and pure.
Matthew 19:4-6 4 “Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ 5 and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’ ? 6 So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”
God has made it known in those verses that “two will become ONE flesh” and “Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.” So once two are together, they should not get divorced and find anyone else.
Any more and I feel I may confuse you, If I haven’t already. Pray hard and pray continually and as for God’s will to be done. I hope everything works out the way God has planned in your life and that you gained some encouragement out of at least one thing I wrote. God Bless You!
(USA) I totally can relate, I just recently separated from my husband, and life has been miserable. I moved out with the intention of reconcling, now it appears everything has changed and nothing is the way I thought it would be. My husband has closed the door on us and I feel hopeless. I never would have moved out if reconciling wasn’t an option.
I don’t know what to do. He’s moving on and I’m left feeling devasted that everything has changed in a matter of a couple months. I keep praying everyday that God will restore our marriage, I have no interest in being with anyone else. I’m hurt and angry that he could move on so fast, when that’s not what we discussed. I guess all I can do is pray, and pray for God’s will. Maybe we aren’t meant to be together, in the mean time, everyday is painful. Any thoughts?
(USA) Dear Monica, I’m so sorry for the painful time you are going through. I really am. I’ve been there. Too often, separation brings out the worse in some spouses — obviously your husband is going down this road. He’s not viewing this as a time to re-group, but rather to find excitement outside of marriage — to push the boundaries. I don’t know what happened that caused you to leave, but sadly, as you know now, when one spouse steps out, sometimes the other decides to move in a different direction, which your husband is doing at this point. How I wish for you and for him that this wasn’t so!
Please don’t give up praying and asking God to show you what you are to do while you’re in this suspended state. Even if your husband doesn’t honor his wedding vows, it doesn’t give you a license to do the same. You say, “maybe we aren’t meant to be together” … and I understand why you would get to that place in your life (I said the same thing when my husband and I were separated a number of years ago). But realize that the enemy of our faith uses that type of reasoning to cause more damage. It’s not that you weren’t “meant to be together,” it’s that your husband is making choices to cause further division.
When my husband and I were separated, I used that time to work on my issues — to learn more of God’s ways. Then, when we reconciled, I brought less unhealthy stuff back into the marriage. My husband saw that I was “different” and it piqued his curiosity to want to be with me more (eventually working on his issues). I’m not saying that this will definitely happen with you, but lets face it, it won’t hurt to work on your own issues, praying that God will convict your husband’s heart NOT to cause more division in your relationship. God won’t MAKE your husband do what is right, but He will work on his heart to bring unrest (even if your husband won’t admit to you that it’s there).
I’m reminded of what we’re challenged to do in Hebrews 12, “Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.”
I pray God gives you the comfort you need, the strength to endure despite this hurt, aching in your heart, the courage to persevere even when you want to just lie down and cry and give in and give up, and the hope to know deep in your heart that your future will not be forever bleak. May God guide you.
(USA) Cindy, I feel that you gave Monica some very sound and responsible advice. My husband left me in February of 2011 and my life has not been the same …I read her e-mail and could totally relate…then I read your reply, and I am doing everything that you had advised.
No matter what my husband is doing, I can’t justify doing the same, not right for me… God will not honor my request for reconciliation if I am not willing to do the right thing… I need to make myself right with God and pray for my husband’s heart to soften toward me. I have given God control… I have none. I need to let go and let God… Be still and know that I am God… I can do all things thru Christ… just stay positive… Take care of yourself.
(USA) Monica- Wow…I just read your post. I’m in the same terrible situation! :(
My husband was unfaithful and also admitted that he’s lied to me our whole marriage. He told me many times that “he’s so sorry he’s ruined my life.” However, every time I’d try to gain a little trust, I’d catch him in another lie and the trust would fly out the window.
I suggested counseling- He said he’d go, but, never did. I can’t make him- He has to WANT it. Anyways, long story short: I moved out…hoping that maybe he’d see that I am serious about not tolerating the behavior. He begged me not to leave, however, I did anyway. I told him we needed to separate and “see how things go.” Well..it’s 2 mths.. He wants no part of me…I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s seeing someone to “fill the void/hurt” etc. The longer time goes on, the more I feel there’s no reconciliation between us. If he was “so sorry”, he’d get off his butt, get right with God, show humility and stop the NONSENSE.
(USA) I have been separated for over a year from my wife. Even though she walked out on me, I am still friends with her but my trust is not there with her. We were married for more than 20 years and we have 3 daughters and a lot of grandkids. The girls were the ones who told me that she was planning to leave as soon as her dad passed away and it did happen. We still talk and I do things for her when she asks (she pays me for my work). At first I was mad that she walked out but now I feel relieved since my health is improving and I feel much better. My doctor has asked if we were going to get back together and to be honest I don’t want to salvage this marriage since I cannot trust her any more.
The reason we haven’t filed for a divorce is due to medical insurance. I get my insurance through the federal government which is cheaper to keep her covered than to have to buy it elsewhere. She lives her own life and I live mine. I have not dated anyone yet but I find myself wanting to find someone to take to dinner or a movie and just be with. I have been told to just go out and do it but I am afraid that once the gal finds out that I am still legally married it could make things worse. I don’t lie to anyone and am up front. When will I decide to file for a divorce? I really don’t know.
(USA) I need help. My wife left everything.
(USA) Steve and Cindy have mentioned Restore Ministries (www.restoreministries.org) for the separated. It is a helpful site if you have not seen it. God Bless and don’t give up on the Lord’s love for you and your family.
https://marriagemissions.com/i-am-standing-for-the-healing-of-my-marriage/
(USA) Restore ministries only deals with wives standing. They closed down their ministry for husbands that are standing.
http://www.restorem.org/ "RMI is became a Women Only ministry on May 1, 2005. HOWEVER, we do have hope and help!
Click here for encouragement, to find out about a new men’s restoration ministry that is forming, and to read our FREE resources for men."
Really sad, since fewer wayward wives return than do husbands. Men really need support, and someone to fight against the false stereotypes that men are unfaithful and women are victims.
(USA) I have been with this woman for 14 years and September 28 made 3 yrs of marriage. I am 27 yrs old and she just turned 28. We have know been separated for about 4 months now. She has found here a new friend while we are separated and is bringing him to the house. We have 2 kids together. I moved out in July cause I found numbers on her phone bill so I called and it was the man that everybody had been telling me about. This is the same man that she’s bringing to the house. Should I go out and start dating and is this marriage over? Need help on the subject.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi all, I was just reading the comments, I am in separation too. My husband is on and off in my life. We have two boys. He just called me again last week and I don’t know what is he up to. But I just want to share these few words with you all. The Bible makes it clear that GOD hates divorce (Malachi 2:10-16). And Jesus explained this when the Pharisees asked him about the divorce (Matthew 19:1-12).
Firstly, I understand that in some cases we don’t have the control to make decisions. But one question you have to ask is, what does God want? The Bible says if you divorce, you are not allowed to get married while your husband is still alive. Would you rather sin than obey God’s law? If we are Christians, we are not to make decisions according to what we want but according to God.
I am 28 yrs. God gave me a husband but he left me. I don’t need another man because God himself said he hates divorce so then why would he allow me to divorce? If my marriage wasn’t meant to happen then that means I was not meant to have a man. He would rather that I have self-control. Again, if you are dating while in separation are you cheating what the Bible says about cheating? Again, if you are dating, will your partner understand that sex before marriage is against God?
I love you brothers and sisters but let us not let our heart desires drag us away from God’s law. When Jesus died for us it wasn’t easy but he didn’t say, “These people are stinging me, I wont die for them” because he made a promise to God and he wanted to do God’s will. It is the same as when you make vows to your spouse, you are making those vows to God, so now who is unfaithful to GOD?
Have you really ever asked God patiently why is all this happening in the world? Left and right, people are getting married and one year or one month later they are divorcing, why? This is all not from GOD. God bless you all.
(UNITED STATES) I was married to a man for 6 years, and have been separated for 3. He is not of the same faith as me, in fact he doesn’t believe at all. I married this man for all of the wrong reasons, mainly for our oldest son who was born out of wedlock. He has always been mentally and verbally abusive with a sharp tongue and very bad temper.
He cheated on me throughout our marriage and I finally reached my breaking point three years ago when he abandoned me and our three children to live with another woman. I am now seeking to find my spiritual closeness with God and would very much so like to walk with Jesus Christ.
A good friend of mine for two years now helped to bring me back to my faith and I love him and thank God for him. My problem is that we have totally fallen in love with each other. He is in my home state of Colorado and I am in Florida, but plan on moving back to Colorado the end of June.
Are we committing a sin? I absolutely do not want to be a part in making him sin, nor do I want to. We did happen to have a very intense sexual conversation that included masturbation on the telephone. I want for us to do the right thing, I have never felt a love for a man like this before, and I really believe in my heart that God has chosen us to be together. Please Help! God Bless!
(USA) Mary, You are not sinning from the standpoint of divorce and remarriage for the simple reason that your ex husband is comitting adultery. That is scriptural grounds for remarriage. If you love this man in CO and he is not divorced for except for adultery from his spouse you should marry him if you are in love. I would definately hold off on the sexual conversations and masturbating. You should get married ASAP if your desires for each other are consuming you.
(USA) Technically married is still married, so if you are carrying on with another man while still married, you are having an affair. Even if it’s “just” phone sex, it’s still sex with a man who is not your husband.
If you have grounds for divorce, then divorce your husband if that’s where you are lead. He betrayed you. Get your divorce, and then make sure you are well grounded in your faith and relationship with God before embarking on a romantic relationship. Wait until marriage for any sexual relationship. That’s God’s plan. Sex is the consummation of the relationship AFTER marriage, not before.
But if you are not going to pursue reconciliation with your husband, and you are going to engage in sexual behavior with a man who is not your husband, at least do your husband the courtesy of giving him a divorce. He may have been the first to betray. However, his sin is not an excuse for you to sin as well.
(US) Hi, I am not to sure if my separation will have any type of reconciliation. We have been married 8 years and separated for 2 months now, at the beginning she was not giving either one of us space to think about how to make things right. Out of the blue she gave me a couple of days of no talking between us. In that time I found out what was important and finally figured out how to save my marriage. When I came back to her to start talking she said it was too late.
How can things change in a couple of days. Honestly, I turned into what she was at the beginning of our separation. She did start talking more to her friends and started going out. I mean I went to spend time with my friends too but I do not let them judge her or get in the way of my marriage.
Is she choosing them and this new freedom over me and our kids? Or is she talking to someone and they are filling her up with a gap that she missed with me, and she is stuck in the middle?
(USA) I wish that my husband would figure out what was important like you have. I’ve been giving him space, but he still wants a divorce. We have been married 16 years and have 3 children. The funny thing is, he is the one who attends church and I do not, yet he thinks it is ok to get a divorce, while I do not being neither of us really have grounds. We just verbally fight a lot. Get a copy of Divorce Busting
.. I think your wife is stuck in the middle and I think your marriage has hope. She is probably hurt, doesn’t trust you, and wants to make you really think about your actions. Tell her how you feel, and then give her some space.
(USA) Well, for all of you out there, I have a great story. I still trying to wake up from it because it seems so unreal. I have been married for 22 yrs. I have two grown boys ages 19 and 20. One weekend I went away for a retreat came back to find out my spouse returned to his ex girlfriend from 22 yrs ago and left me and his family, friends, job and church and moved with her to Florida.
It is now one year later and he has not tried to contact me for a divorce. He was a pastor, knows the word of God, yet look what he did. Go figure. I cannot divorce him, don’t even know where he is and besides, think he should pay for it since he committed the sin first.