“Should I date while I am separated?” How many times have I heard that question? And, how many times have I given a hard answer? “If you are not free to marry, you are not free to date!” I first read that statement in Britton Wood’s book, Singles Want to Be the Church, Too. Mr. Wood has worked with singles and separated persons longer than anyone in his denomination.
After several years of counseling the separated, I am more convinced than ever that Britton Wood is right. When you start dating someone else while you are separated, you make reconciliation more difficult. The more you date, the muddier the water becomes.
Loneliness
I know that you have needs; you are lonely. Sometimes the load seems unbearable. I know that dating while separated is accepted, even encouraged, in our society. But most of those who are dating will never be reconciled. They will be divorced.
Dating is a prelude to remarriage, not therapy for reconciliation. Certainly you need friends. You need a listening ear. You need people who care and help bear the load, but the dating context is not the best place to find such help.
Vulnerable While Separated
You are extremely vulnerable during these days of separation. Unfortunately there are those of the opposite sex who would like to take advantage of your vulnerability. Although pretending to be concerned about you, they are busy satisfying their own desires.
I have seen many men and women devastated by such an experience. Your own emotions are erratic, and it would be easy for you to get infatuated with anyone who treats you with dignity, respect, and warmth.
Have you noticed the number of people who get married the day after they are divorced? Obviously they have been dating during separation. If the separation period is a time to seek reconciliation, why spend energy in an activity that leads to divorce and remarriage? Separation is not tantamount to divorce. We are still married while we are separated, and we ought to so live, whether or not our spouse complies.
Don’t Date While Separated
I know this is difficult to accept, but I believe the present trend of open dating immediately after separation must be deterred. Such activity encourages and contributes to the increasing divorce rate.
If you believe in the power of human choice, then you must concede that your estranged spouse may well turn from his or her estrangement and seek reconciliation. You want to be prepared for that day if it comes. Dating someone else in not the way to be prepared. Develop friends, but refuse romantic involvement until the fate of your marriage is determined.
The above article comes from the book, Hope For the Separated: Wounded Marriages Can Be Healed
— ADDITIONALLY —
Here’s a statement from Pastor Ted Cunningham that gives further insights into this issue of dating while you are separated. We encourage you to prayerfully read:
I am sick and tired of fighting for a marriage only to find out that one of the spouses is already dating someone new. Come on! How in the world are we going to save a marriage and protect the future of your children when you are so stinking selfish with a boyfriend or girlfriend waiting in the wings? Your children deserve better.
I’m not a stalker, but I do check out Facebook from time to time. It absolutely shocks me when I see the photos of the new boyfriend or girlfriend before the divorce is even final. It says to me, “I never really tried. I know we met with Ted and tried to get help. But it just didn’t work.” Hogwash! Bologna! You didn’t try. You had your options lined up. Fight for your marriage. Be a man! Be a woman! Give your children a fighting chance. O how the enemy eats this up.
Commitment
Last April, I ate breakfast with Dr. Scott Stanley, a professor and researcher at the University of Denver. He gave me the definition of commitment that I absolutely love. “Commitment is making a choice to give up all other choices.” That is the opposite of what we are brought up to believe. We are taught to keep our options open. This is why some marriage counselors drive me insane. They just sit down with a couple, hear their marriage story, and assess, “I don’t think there is any hope. This marriage is over.”
Jesus breathes life into dead marriages! There is hope no matter how stuck you are!
Make the commitment to do ALL you can to give this marriage a fighting chance. Invest in the process of trying to save your marriage. Don’t date while you are separated!
The above statement comes from Ted Cunningham’s book, Fun Loving You, published by David C Cook. We highly recommend this book to everyone who is married.
Filed under: Separation and Divorce
My wife of five years left me on Valentines Day, roughly a month and a half after our third child died. She has changed her story about why we are apart every week. Before it was I wasn’t paying attention to her. Then I was paying too much attention to her and not enough on myself. Then it was we were grieving differently.
Last weekend after I thought was an amazing week full of improvements, she gets drunk and sleeps with some guy then calls me because he walked out before they had finished and says she misses me. Then she says that she doesn’t want to just come back to me but won’t give me a real reason even though she isn’t happy on her own. She says I don’t love her because she hasn’t felt it since my deployment. I feel as though she hasn’t felt love for me since she started taking zoloft after our sons death.
Our marriage hasn’t been perfect but we’ve always worked our way through it until now. I love her so much and don’t want this to end in divorce. She is currently living on her own and working part time with our only serving child. Is there anything that I can do to save this marriage? Or am I doomed to divorce?
My husband had me sign divorce papers with notary as witness. I still don’t want a divorce. What do I do now? He told me that we had to divorce because of financial trouble that he’s in. He said that we’d be able to reconcile in about 8 mos. He told me to keep wearing rings and not to date. He will not answer texts and phone goes to voice mail. It seems that he’s lying to me. Why won’t he just tell me the truth? Any input is appreciated. We have a history of fighting, especially during the last two years. He spent all of his time at his business and we didn’t devote any time to marriage. I became very resentful and cruel.
It seems your relationship is based on something other than respect and genuine love. I say this because my Father separated from my birth mother when I was young age due to the fact she was an alcoholic and she didn’t want us. A few months later my dad met a young Essex girl in Lanzarote (where we were living at the time) that was 10 years younger than him and a very straight and driven 23 year old. They fell in love and 2 weeks later my dad proposed and they’ve been married for 23 years. My dad had 3 kids, drank heavily and was a live music entertainer with just 300 pounds in the bank and we moved into my mums (stspmom) 2 bedroom flat in Essex a few months later with my dad, us 3 kids and our nanny and they had very little money to the point that my school shoes had holes in and they couldn’t afford a new pair (£10 sterling) so they borrowed the money from her parents.
At the end of the day if you truly love someone then their or your financial situation shouldn’t matter as what’s theirs is yours and vice versa and you find a way to get through it. Of course it wont be easy but you do what you have to do because you love each other and by the sounds of it, and I hate to say but it, seems like he’s not in love with you truly and I think you should let him get on with it and find someone that will truly appreciate you for who you are and really fall in love.
There’s more than 1 someone for everyone out there if you look hard enough! You’ll be fine just remember you only get one shot at life and its not worth wasting it on someone that isn’t going to love you the way you deserve. Keep your chin up ;) x
I am separated from my wife and want her back and my daughter. I am staying at a friends and have to leave his place this Wednesday as his girlfriend is moving in. I cheated on my wife 2 times in the last 2 years. She went to a friends across the country and she cheated with someone a month ago. That absolutely kills me and I cannot stop thinking about it – her with someone else. It kills me every second and I am not sleeping or eating.
My wife does not answer me about if she is on a dating website. I know she is as I saw on her i-pad. She is getting emails. She has not subscribed to it just simply put in her information. She has on her profile “divorced” to the other people that see her.
I am looking for my own place; I don’t want to because it will hurt my ability to support her and my daughter with the extra money to help her survive and pay bills. I just want to come home and she does not want that.
I went through her phone 2 weeks ago and told her 2 days ago, she feels violated and hurt and mad. I won’t contact her this weekend unless she reaches out but it is so hard to move on and not see here and my daughter. I need some help.
Hey… I’ve been married 34 years this past 4/12/15, my husband left me mid November 2014. I know at the time he left I was doing wrong. I’ve admitted that to him and asked for his forgiveness and told him I would do any and everything I could do to fix his heart and our marriage. I found out last week he has been on about 4 dates with a woman… he says just out to eat, and I believe, but not sure, he has spent the night at her house at least 2 nights and they left last night to go to the beach for the weekend.
My biggest problem is, the woman is supposed to be an ordained minister under a pastor at her church. I’ve been to church a lot in my life and I can’t understand why she would even think about doing what she’s doing. Am I wrong or just going crazy? He says they haven’t “done” anything. I said but if her pastor or someone from her church saw you two going in a motel room, what do you think they would think? I don’t confess to be a Christian, but I do know the Bible and I believe in God and I’ve been doing a lot of praying lately. Please pray for me and if you have any guidance or advise in my situation, I’ll gladly take it. Also, please advise if I’m wrong about the women dating my husband. Thanks for your time.
I was just recently abruptly and surprisingly presented separation papers by my husband and his lawyer; I adore this man and he said “I wasn’t happy”, “he couldn’t make me happy” and his mom was very much a great influence to our issues. In fact, my opinion is that she is 95% our issue…he has suffered her demanding ways long before I came to him and become his wife of 10 years…I loved her but…I didn’t like her…I would have done my biblical duty as my husband’s wife, and cared for his mom AND his dad if they truly needed it.
But my husband could not leave and cleave and his mother wasn’t gonna have it anyway; in addition she, instead of doing what a mom should do when their child is considering separation by staying out of grown child’s marriage, she helped my husband to “get it done” with HER money. I have no doubt about this and it’s truly sad that my husband did not stand up as a man and tell her no since “he wanted this.” I’m lost, but I AM leaning on God to comfort me and praying that SOMEONE “sees the light” in how disrespectful this was to influence him.
And more than ANYTHING, she should have been counseled along with us at some point; she was “there” for us until we married and immediately, starting on honeymoon, she started barging in our marriage calling him no less than twice a day. I won’t make this any longer…I could write a book and God knows it call so why would I do that? I pray that my husband gets the comfort and respect he deserves at some point in his life. He has too much obligation to many things He shouldn’t, but all if his life this is the way it’s been and you can “lead the horse to water, but you can make it drink, right”?
I just want to give up and move on. We have kids and have been together for 9 years but, there is no connection anymore. I don’t remember the last time we slept in the same room, maybe a year and a half ago. Anyways about two years ago we got into a fight and I asked him to leave as I knew he didn’t want to be in the home. He took full advantage of the opportunity, going out and having a blast.
I didn’t realize he would be so happy and I so miserable. However, he ended up losing his job and making his way back into my apartment after we were separated for about 3 or 4 months. I took care of him for about 6 months and we acted as though nothing really happened but we still have no bond and it seems as though we are roommates.
I work a lot so I don’t pay much attention to the reality of the situation but it’s hitting me this season and I’m realizing I’m very lonely. It’s a very sad way to live with my kids and my husband, presenting a very tainted way to have a marriage in front of my children and I just feel at a dead end. I’m not sure what to do anymore. It would be nice to have a friend. I very much love the Lord but I can only be depressed and unhappy for so long. I know I’m not surely to be this unhappy, so this is a tricky situation. I hope God gives me the right path.
Me and my wife have been separated for 2 years. Although I’m at her place pretty much every day of the week. I thought for sure it was going to work out. But now she’s told me that she wants no more commitments and she’s met somebody that’s exciting and she wants to date. We have a 5 year old girl and a 7 year old boy. And my job I work before the Sun rises and I come home after the Sun has set. I think my job is contributed a lot to her being alone. Just trying to get through. She says she still loves me and then will turn around and blame everything that’s happened in the past squarely on my shoulders like she’s done no wrong whatsoever. Clearly in my mind we both have done a lot to damage this relationship but adultery from my side was never one of those things. And now the finances are finally getting in order and along comes a 55 year old freshly divorced and financially well off loser to become the wrench in the works. But once again he could only get in as far as she allows him so I guess I gotta move on.
My wife and I have been together for over 9 years, 3 of which we’ve been married. It’s a second marriage for both of us. She has two boys ages 10 and 13. I’ve been their father figure for 90% of the 9 plus years.
We’ve always gotten along well. No serious fighting. Typical disagreements. Over the last year she has withdrawn from us mainly with lack of physical intimacy. When I asked if something is wrong or why she is distant she would just say I don’t know or I just want to be alone. This went on from December 2014 until April 2015. We still celebrated Christmas and Valentines as usual. She gave me the most beautiful card for valentines and wrote a little extra in it ending with I love you.
At Easter I asked again what was going on? We had no intimacy since December. With some more questions she finally says her feelings changed and she’s not in love anymore. That’s it. She and the boys moved out mid July. I still see the boys on a regular basis because the love me more than their biological father and she knows I’ve been an excellent father to them.
Where the issue comes in, in my and several family members and close friends opinions, is she has always had low self esteem and extremely naive. For the 3 years we’ve been married she has worked in an environment where she is the only female in a group of 10 employees. She admits to lots of flirting and it has boosted her to feel happier at work than at home where she has a husband, kids, house, homework, etc. She started wearing more tight fitting shirts than normal and flirting back.
We have been separated by her choice since July. She has told others how well I cared for her, the boys and her ailing mother, whom I actually tend to more than she does. My wife was diagnosed with depression at one time and was on medication. She stated she wants to be alone and on her own to do her own thing. Even stating to a friend that she just wants to play and have fun when the boys are not around. Recently she set up a date with a guy from out of town on a weekend the boys and I were out of town at a charity event. She messaged a friend and said she’s with someone and is almost drunk. This will be the 4th time she’s been drunk since July.
I still love her dearly. She’s the mother to my stepsons that I love as my very own. I feel she’s on a path to disaster but I’m helpless because she will not seek help. No marriage counseling. No talking to the church. Etc. She denies seeing someone. Recently purchased lingerie, which she has only worn a couple of times in our 9 years. I’m stumped. Stressed. Hurt.
My husband and I got back together after I left him in Or. For cheating on me with another woman. We know we’re truly in love with each other. It’s now 25 years, however, there is a question of did I have an affair on him. He left me, was having sex living with the lady, I had moved back to Utah met a guy, became friends, and it became more, but did not last.
My husband claims I had an affair but how could I have had one? He had stepped out, which at that time was breaking the vows we took. He broke them, which meant contract was not in play and I had to live with him gone. I moved back home to a life, which he was not in. I didn’t want to but I had to for our kids. They needed a mom, not broken lady. It took all I had to move back to my mom’s place. So am I right in my way of thinking or do I need to say sorry to him?
Tanja, You should not have been dating, let alone allowing it so it “became more” whether it lasted or not. This does not justify what your husband did –he definitely cheated on you and your marriage, and he was wrong to do so. But until you are completely divorced (not just separated –even if it would have been for years and years), neither spouse should be “seeing” anyone else in any type of dating, relating situation.
I understand that you were lonely, confused, your husband was cheating, and you were separated, but that still doesn’t justify being with anyone else while you are still married. I personally, would tell my husband I was sorry because I’d much rather err on the side of humbling myself and asking for forgiveness, than doing less than I may need to. The point is trying to move on from here into reconciling. If a sincere apology would help with this, it would be better to give it in sincerity and empty yourself of any type of “right-fighting” –thinking you are right, so that you’ll sacrifice the relationship to rest on that principle. That’s what I believe, anyway. And I believe it would hold up scripturally, as well. I hope this helps.
It’s rather hard to let down my guards but I believe you are right. I have decided to say I am sorry and admit what I had done was wrong. By doing so I hope that will end the fight. I want to keep what I have with this man. I love him with all my ♥. I hope by doing this he will forgive me like I have him and not blow up in my face and use it against me. I will hope for the best. Mostly since I know he loves me as much. Thank you for the reply.
I admire you for doing this. That has got to be hard. I pray for you and hope that your husband WILL release this fight. Sometimes admitting wrong and apologizing helps, and sometimes not. But whatever, you are doing the gracious, loving thing. I’d much rather do that, than NOT do all I could to possibly save the marriage. May God bless you all the more, as you work on these marital issues! These are tough ones, but not too tough that it’s hopeless… quite the opposite, as you join hands with God.
It blew up in my face. He tore me apart and made me feel like a creep. I stayed with him 25 years with all his affairs, and going to jail, had 4 kids. I blamed myself for all his affairs if I was better at being a wife. I did; I tried and failed. I felt isolated alone and ugly. I don’t know what I did wrong so many years ago. But I did do the right thing by saying sorry.
Oh Tanja, I’m so very sorry to hear that things went so wrong. You are right about one thing, for sure. You were right in apologizing. You are wrong in thinking his affairs were about you –they are about him. No matter what you did or didn’t do, if he decided to cheat, HE is the cheater, HE is the one doing something wrong. He violated his vows. There is never an excuse for having affairs. If we can’t keep our promises, then what type of person are we? You shouldn’t have dated when you were separated, even though you WERE separated, and you now know that was wrong, but in apologizing and truly acknowledging that this was wrong, deciding never to do this again, you did right. Please know that.
I re-read what you wrote previously, and I am wondering, are you back together with your husband, or living apart? Whether you’re living together or apart, give him some space (as much as he will allow you to) to cool down. And pray for wisdom as to how and when to try to break the ice again. I’ll be praying for you.
We have been married 25 years. We got married young. We had problems on and off you know take the good you take the bad and there you got the factd of life. My husband has had more the 5 affairs over the years. I had one that happened over 11 years ago he has not be able to let it drop, I do believe out of his own guilt. We are still together and in same home.
Thank you for presenting a truly biblical view of dating during separation. I don’t see any ‘separation’ in the Bible so even though you become separated – you are still ONE in God’s eyes.
I am going through a very painful separation right now and have been praying faithfully for my marriage which is not working out! I am lonely and would love to have a male friend to just hang out with but I would feel like I was cheating on my marriage. Plus it wouldn’t be fair to the person I’d be hanging out with because I’d be ‘using’ him since I’m not allowed to have any physical relations with a man who is not my husband and also not appropriate to even build emotional intimacy.
It’s simply not right in God’s economy, in God’s Word. Just because it is culturally acceptable doesn’t make it biblically acceptable. In the end, I will have peace knowing that I was never unfaithful to my husband regardless of his own choices otherwise. I won’t have to live with that guilt either.
My husband had been mentally abusing me. He also physically abused me for about 14 years, then in 2008 beat me in the head with his fist. He has had affair after afair and him and my daughter have stolen everything I have. My son had me put in a mental hospital 3 times and my husband and daughter 1 time. They have been trying to drive me crazy. I have a chance to be happy, I am a Christain and serve the Lord. But I am legally separated. We have not slept together in 8 years. I have contacted lawyers about getting a divorce but they want 2,500 dollars. I am on a fixed income and cannot afford a divorce. Tell me what I should do. I want to be loved. I do not want to do anything that would ruin my relationship with God. I am a Christian and he is not. I have talked to him about his soul; he says he is not ready. What shall I do?
My daughter was in an abusive relationship with her husband. They have been togeather for 5 years and just last year they had gotten married. She thought that things would be better and that she wanted to try for the kids. She has a son from a previous relationship and a son from her husband. The oldest is 7 and the youngest is 4. Well things started getting worse after they got married; he was very controlling. She couldn’t talk to anyone or go anywhere without him screaming and yelling. She left a few times and stayed with me but went back thinking maybe he will change only to be treated worse.
Her husband has called us on several occasions yelling and screaming and threatening to knock her out because she would not talk to him while he was at a rage. Things started getting worse for her since October of 2015 and have not gotten any better. He kicked her and the kids out on 3-4-2016. She had no where to go but to one of their friends, which is another guy. There is no relationship between the two. His daughter of 20 and him gave her and the boys a room to sleep in. He found out later like a week ago and went there and grabbed my daughter by her throat and slamed her to the ground. Not once but 3 times and in front of their son. Their son ran and hid but his daddy found him and ran with him.
I got a call from my oldest daughter saying I need to get there asap because her husband was there and was hurting them. When I arrived my daughter was covered in dirt where he threw her down and she had bruises that were starting to appear. I called the law and they came out and told us we had to go file a report so we did. They got him for domestic violence and assault on a female. A retraining order was put in place. His aunt who always bails him out by paying attorneys took him to turn himself in the very next morning and was supposed to call us so she can get her son back. Only to find out that she had no intentions and helped hide him until we had the law meet us at her house. She would not tell them until she found out she can be in trouble with her nephew for child indangerment and kidnapping.
So I help my daughter get an attorney for custody of her son so she doesn’t have to worry about him running. She has temporary custody but he has visitation. Plus social services is involved and has came out to the home she is staying at. They talked to her and said that the kids were safe with her.
If there is any advice to we need to know about where she is staying then please let me know. I do know her husband is not going to stop because he still believes she is in a relationship with this guy. He has said some pretty mean things but is very jealous and very controlling. Need help with this so we can keep her and the kids safe. I have a 2 bedroom home and social services said she is fine where she is at because they have their own room. Here at my home they would be sleeping on the couch and an air mattress. Please any advise to what we should do?
Cindy, as a mom and grandma, I can only imagine how broken your heart is over all of this. I’m so very sorry that your daughter, her kids, and you, and the rest of the family have to go through this. It has to be so very painful on so many levels!
As far as advice, please have your daughter (and perhaps you) read through the “Abuse in Marriage” topic. We have a lot of articles and quotes posted there that she can glean through and perhaps gain some wisdom from that she can use to better protect herself. Make sure she doesn’t stay at any other man’s house. Even though this man was generous and there wasn’t anything going on between them, it can light a fuse to cause further explosions if she repeats that action again. Right now it’s important to defuse the matter, rather than cause any more avoidable sparks (even innocent ones).
Also, it could be to her advantage to try to talk to an abuse counselor. We have some info within the “Links and Recommended Resources” part of that topic. It’s a start, at least, if she doesn’t know any off hand. I do know that the ministry of Focus on the Family (contact info can be found at http://focusonthefamily.com) has counselors on staff she could talk to. They wouldn’t be able to do deep counseling with her, but they could give some great advice, plus they have a GREAT referral list of organizations –some of which she might be able to use to get more info on how to best protect herself and her children. Please, please, please encourage her to do this. Abuse usually escalates (which she will read about). It’s important to be pro-active in putting things into place ahead of time rather than risking whatever may be ahead for her. An abusers mindset is a dark place… you sure don’t want to be at their mercy, because there usually isn’t any that is given, as she is seeing all too well. Please know that my heart goes out to all of you — I pray the Lord leads you to the help that is needed.
Thank you for the advice we are trying to find her and the kids a home. I have even looked into low income housing but there is such a long waiting list. Are there any resources as to helping them with a home?
That sounds good about finding a home, but that won’t protect them. Eventually, your daughter’s husband will catch up with her. That’s why it’s important to find ways to protect her and the kids, as best you can. That’s where some of these shelters, and abuse centers could help. Not only would they help her to figure out better ways to protect herself, but they may know of the type of housing that may be available. It’s not that she’s looking to live in a shelter, but rather, she’s trying to learn what they know so she has the best chance of living a safer life in the future –for her and her children.
I know that sometimes the Salvation Army centers or churches have insights into housing that may be available. Plus, child protective services, and also Rescue Mission ministries many times have insights into places, such as you are looking for. I don’t know if you’re near a big town, but if you are, I encourage you to try them. Sometimes even big evangelical churches know of places like this also. Again, it’s worth a try. But first, be diligent in trying to learn how to best protect against future abuse… a house can shelter, but wisdom is important to gain for better protection.
Thank you.
Hi Cindy, I was once in the same place as your daughter. I agree with Cindy W. Women who are trapped in abuse need strong women who are godly to nourish the hurt. Show her with tenderness that God is the only one who can fulfill us. Women often run back to their abusers because they can’t see that they truly don’t need the individual. That they are being made weak by the one person who they can’t be without. But if you show her that relying on the Lord will fill the emptiness she will be able to see for herself.
Legally… I can tell you this. Get copies of all the documents from police and sheriff departments. Go to the health and human services office and request a form for Just Cause. She might have to go to a women’s shelter and have someone sign them… like a counselor. This will protect your grandson… it is to eliminate any visits or custody issues, especially since he tried to kidnap him.
They will ask her why. In truth men use children as a leverage to continue to hurt their victims. Take him to counseling and use that as a weapon. Prove that you have to protect them from this person. Hire a lawyer. Chances are you won’t be able to get one through free resources but try. Women in those situations often die from violence if they return. Violence escalates with each occurrence. Children who are raised in it often become abusers as adults. It also makes them vulnerable to different types of abuse. Protect your family.
She can apply for resources to support your grandson. Be careful in regards to child support. Make sure that you don’t have visitation rights given to the abuser if you agree to take support. Look for grants to help her get a trade or degree.
Empowering women is important to their success. It’s important that she focus on her son and her progress. Put God first because if you put your energy in an other relationship you’ve learned nothing. I have to say it because women who go through this are often lonely. But starting something new with an other person is not the answer. After all what will this teach her son? Teach her she must straighten her life first… and I say this only out of experience and hope to help her from my mistakes. I will pray for you. It’s a hard road but trust the Lord.
Thank you for the advice and I have hired an attorney and we have a restraining order which I know sometimes that does not help. I have a paper with resources that I will be calling tomorrow and I have also talked to her about getting into church because I also feel that it will help her and the boys. My grandson the one we just got back has been so clingy to his mom which I do believe its because of his daddy. He told me tonight that he has to protect his mommy from his daddy so he won’t hurt mommy anymore. My heart hurts so much for them and I am doing everything I can to help. The attorney fees is so high that its draining us but we are managing the best we can. Just want my daughter and my grandsons safe. Again thanks everyone for the advice and I know in my heart that God and prayers are the answers to our needs and protection. God bless you all.
My husband and I are legally separated for 2 weeks now. He moved in with the person he had an affair with. He was a manager at his work and had an affair with a co-worker. He got fired the same day it was discovered. I live in our home alone and I am seeking Christian counseling and he hasn’t even called me. I don’t have his phone number or the address of where he is. I know it’s in North Carolina, even though he told me he was moving in with a couple to do construction work. I am lonely, sad and frustrated because we’re still married and he’s not going by the rules of legal separation. What should I do? I still love him and know that we could get through this with the proper counseling but not if he continues to live with her. I know I have the right to sue her for aliation of affection because I live in North Carolina. Do you think that would be a good ideal to get him to move out of her home because he’s not even supposed to date much less live in with her. What should I do ?
I left my ex spouse because I thought some time away would make him see how much I cared and did for him and his children. My plan was to be gone four weeks, spend a holiday with my family (we never did that) and return. But the whole time I was gone he called me names, and fought with me. Come to find out as soon as I left to visit my parents he was seeing a woman he met on instagram. When I found out he begged me to come home but I refused unless he told her the truth… We’ve been divorced two months and he got married two days after our divorce was final. We were only seperated a month before I filed. He told me he’d leave her if I ever came back.
I’ve been out a few times but have no interest in dating. He’s remarried and already has a baby on the way. She got pregnant while we were divorcing. People who date while separated are liars and manipulators… I don’t care what anyone tells me. He and I were together 5 years and he even bragged to me I was so easy to replace. It hurt but now I see that too many people only care for themselves and now I will never be in a relationship or marriage again.
I prayed so many times when I could not take the betrayal, disrespect and selfishness after 30 years of marriage and finally packed my bags and filed for divorce. It hurts until now but I prayed to God for strength. Perhaps focusing on Christ’s pain on the crucifixion and spending time with those who are close to you will help lessen your pain. May God give you strength and may his angels lift you up.
What about if your husband cheated with your daughter?
Darla, That is definitely a most horrible and grievous situation. How I cry for you as a wife and a mother. What do you do with that? It’s almost beyond difficult, except to encourage you to take it to the Lord and look to Him to show you healthy ways to grieve and rebuild your life step by step. But in your grief, please don’t allow yourself to believe the lie that because you hurt so badly, solutions to do that which you should not, are acceptable. They are not… no matter how hurt you are over this whole matter.
Please don’t complicate your life even more by bringing someone else into the picture. It’s not fair to them, nor you. You have a lot to process through and figure out as far as how to live your life from this day forward. Being with someone else will just add more difficult logs onto the fire. Technically, unless you are divorced, you are still married. Please don’t rush into being with anyone else (even if it’s just a casual date… and even though your husband cheated on you) while you are still married. Two wrongs, or even three wrongs doesn’t make it right. I wish I could say it does, but it doesn’t. Even if they haven’t been honorable, you can still be honorable. I hope you will, and I pray the Lord ministers to your broken heart.