“Should I date while I am separated?” How many times have I heard that question? And, how many times have I given a hard answer? “If you are not free to marry, you are not free to date!” I first read that statement in Britton Wood’s book, Singles Want to Be the Church, Too. Mr. Wood has worked with singles and separated persons longer than anyone in his denomination.
After several years of counseling the separated, I am more convinced than ever that Britton Wood is right. When you start dating someone else while you are separated, you make reconciliation more difficult. The more you date, the muddier the water becomes.
Loneliness
I know that you have needs; you are lonely. Sometimes the load seems unbearable. I know that dating while separated is accepted, even encouraged, in our society. But most of those who are dating will never be reconciled. They will be divorced.
Dating is a prelude to remarriage, not therapy for reconciliation. Certainly you need friends. You need a listening ear. You need people who care and help bear the load, but the dating context is not the best place to find such help.
Vulnerable While Separated
You are extremely vulnerable during these days of separation. Unfortunately there are those of the opposite sex who would like to take advantage of your vulnerability. Although pretending to be concerned about you, they are busy satisfying their own desires.
I have seen many men and women devastated by such an experience. Your own emotions are erratic, and it would be easy for you to get infatuated with anyone who treats you with dignity, respect, and warmth.
Have you noticed the number of people who get married the day after they are divorced? Obviously they have been dating during separation. If the separation period is a time to seek reconciliation, why spend energy in an activity that leads to divorce and remarriage? Separation is not tantamount to divorce. We are still married while we are separated, and we ought to so live, whether or not our spouse complies.
Don’t Date While Separated
I know this is difficult to accept, but I believe the present trend of open dating immediately after separation must be deterred. Such activity encourages and contributes to the increasing divorce rate.
If you believe in the power of human choice, then you must concede that your estranged spouse may well turn from his or her estrangement and seek reconciliation. You want to be prepared for that day if it comes. Dating someone else in not the way to be prepared. Develop friends, but refuse romantic involvement until the fate of your marriage is determined.
The above article comes from the book, Hope For the Separated: Wounded Marriages Can Be Healed
— ADDITIONALLY —
Here’s a statement from Pastor Ted Cunningham that gives further insights into this issue of dating while you are separated. We encourage you to prayerfully read:
I am sick and tired of fighting for a marriage only to find out that one of the spouses is already dating someone new. Come on! How in the world are we going to save a marriage and protect the future of your children when you are so stinking selfish with a boyfriend or girlfriend waiting in the wings? Your children deserve better.
I’m not a stalker, but I do check out Facebook from time to time. It absolutely shocks me when I see the photos of the new boyfriend or girlfriend before the divorce is even final. It says to me, “I never really tried. I know we met with Ted and tried to get help. But it just didn’t work.” Hogwash! Bologna! You didn’t try. You had your options lined up. Fight for your marriage. Be a man! Be a woman! Give your children a fighting chance. O how the enemy eats this up.
Commitment
Last April, I ate breakfast with Dr. Scott Stanley, a professor and researcher at the University of Denver. He gave me the definition of commitment that I absolutely love. “Commitment is making a choice to give up all other choices.” That is the opposite of what we are brought up to believe. We are taught to keep our options open. This is why some marriage counselors drive me insane. They just sit down with a couple, hear their marriage story, and assess, “I don’t think there is any hope. This marriage is over.”
Jesus breathes life into dead marriages! There is hope no matter how stuck you are!
Make the commitment to do ALL you can to give this marriage a fighting chance. Invest in the process of trying to save your marriage. Don’t date while you are separated!
The above statement comes from Ted Cunningham’s book, Fun Loving You, published by David C Cook. We highly recommend this book to everyone who is married.
More from Marriage Missions
Filed under: Separation and Divorce
Hi, I am legally separated from my husband in the process of getting a divorce. I recently got a new boyfriend and I was wondering, can my soon-to-be ex husband get me on adultery?
Perhaps, but that’s not the bigger point. You aren’t even completely past one relationship, and yet you get a “new boyfriend?” Kendra, you have issues you have to work through. Marriage isn’t something that you hop into and hop out of and then go for another person who happens to make you feel good while you’re “in the process of getting a divorce.” No matter how bad your marriage was… you’re still legally married right now. A “legal separation” doesn’t change that. Please read through the rest of that topic on “Separation and Divorce” … hopefully, you will see that you have some emotional work and legal work to do before you’re even CLOSE to having a straight head and a freed heart to get “a new boyfriend.” Marriage and divorce is serious, serious business. It should be as serious to you as it is to God… and it’s VERY serious to him.
I’m sorry to say that a “new boyfriend” shouldn’t even be close to being on the radar screen right now. Please make higher standards for yourself than what we see going on around us. People are jumping and and out of marriages, like popcorn. Part of the reason is because we’re so in love with the high that new love brings that we lose all reasoning as to the care we should take to guard our hearts. You are still married. And yes, it’s still adultery, even with the legal separation.
Kendra, I just read something that might better explain what I was trying to tell you about the “work” that needs to be done before you even START to consider “moving on” to a new relationship –particularly when you aren’t even divorced from your husband yet.
Coach and speaker Mia Davies, posted the following on her Facebook page: “I’ve been in relationship after relationship since I was 17, engaged twice, and even married once. I never fully gave my heart to any of these men, I was always on guard and I always left before I could get hurt. At the beginning of this year I committed my life to God and I also committed to being single for a season so God could heal my heart. God has been doing complete heart surgery on me and pulling out the roots of bitterness that I didn’t even know were there from childhood. He has been teaching me what love is and showing me how to trust love. It’s the scariest thing I’ve ever experienced but it’s scary in a good way… Like a roller coaster ride :) When you ask God to heal you be prepared for major transformation Life will never be the same.”
Kendra, here is a coach –someone who KNOWS about relationships that are here today and gone tomorrow, and yet she came to realize that she had (has) her own work that needs to be done. There has been hidden baggage in her heart that she had never properly dealt with until she stopped popping in and out of relationships. Once you become involved romantically with someone else, it becomes all about them and you and them (at least for a season)… it stunts the work that needs to be done –the attention and energy you extend each day is diverted into another direction.
You are severing a marriage… there are bound to be some hurts that need to be properly addressed and issues that need to be settled (rather than pushed down and looked past because you are now bringing another complicated human being into your life. He may not appear complicated yet, but wait! We all have baggage and sooner or later his will mix with yours and all the unsettled business you had from your present marriage and from your past will eventually be thrown into the mix (because you didn’t take the time to work through the issues before you prematurely jumped into another relationship). Please step back from this “boyfriend” thing and work on the issues before you with your present marriage. Please don’t complicate your life even more. The ink isn’t even dry (or even applied yet onto a certificate of divorce), and you’re already getting cozy with someone else. Again, you are still married, whether you want to acknowledge it or not.
She blocked me to whats app while I am was requesting and I called her the following day. She picked up the cell and she said boldly I won’t accepted you. We were young when we got married. I was 23 she was 17 and lots has happened. It’s been 10 yrs. We are separated and we have a son together. I am seeking help.
Hi, I still love her and still am not dating after 10 months of separation. I’ve been with my wife for 10 yrs, married for 3 yrs and she used to tell me that she is not in love with me any more. Sometimes she told me that she is mad about me. I noticed that when I’m at work she is not sleeping at home so I decided to help her find employment in the company I used to work for.
I spoke with my senior on her behalf and she was permanently employed. She met someone there and started dating. She left me and stayed with that guy from then till date. Its been 9 months now and they are pregnant. I believe in healing by myself but I’m far from that. I’m confused and angry so I decided to just keep quiet coz her mother is always against me. She call me from time to time. I am still hurting and feeling very angry, so time is what I am willing to give.
You might want to look into one of the healing from affairs type ministries that has a healing alone division. You will need to heal by yourself, but you really want to get that done, before looking into moving on in your life. Anne & Brian Bercht have a division called Take Back Your Life. Here is a link for their ministry and some very helpful free seminars. http://beyondaffairs.com/beyond_affairs_network_seminars/free-teleseminars/
For me, hearing the stories of others is healing, so you definitely came to one of the right places. Don’t try to go it alone, bitterness is just not what you want, and neither is despair. I believe holding onto someone that has definitely moved on, onto hope that they will return rather –is desperate, and leads to despair (I know this from experience). Accepting what is, and mourning the deep loss you have experienced is healthier. I have been to both places, more than once, and am finally in mourning what may never be again, and practicing letting go.
You can still pray for her, but to pray for her to return to you is probably only going to end up hurting you. You need to look to your own well being, and your own relationship with the Lord. He loves you and has all the answers you need, even about future relationships. Abide under the shadow of His wings, forgive her, and go on, because you are not really in a relationship at all anymore. Not fighting that will mean healing faster. God bless.
Dear Leonard, Our Heavenly Father is going to keep speaking to your beloved spouse over and over again, softly at first and then more loudly to get your spouse’s attention. God does speak. He speaks to His children twenty-four hours a day. Don’t give up! Listen for your instructions and know God’s timing is always perfect.
I’ve been separated for 6 months. I thought my wife and I would work things out after she sent me an email stating we should seek professional counseling to work things out. I was fooled. The same day we were texting discussing what route we should take, I started receiving text intended for someone else. They were planning a date that same day. I tried to call her to let her know she was texting the wrong man, she wouldn’t answer. I continued to get her text until she caught it. Well, to make a long story short, I discovered this last Thursday she had moved to Dallas, TX. The whole time she had me believe she was still in town but just needed space.
The reconciliation has to come from both parties. I can only assume she’s dating but I have no real visual proof except for the text. The biggest flag was before we separated. She posted on her FB page she had to get rid of someone in her life. I asked her about it and she was very defensive, blocked me from seeing her post and her friends list. She was hiding someone or something written she didn’t want me to see.
I can only assume that she is already dating and really wants a divorce but will not say so. As stated, she moved to another state and didn’t say anything. That brings serious doubt to us working things out. For the last 2 years, she has put distance between us. We only went out as a family, never husband and wife. She’d come home from work, speak only and go upstairs and get on FB. Some weeks we spent a total of 20 minutes together and she thought that was enough. Even her mother defended the amount of time was ok. She argued with me almost everyday, sometimes from 7 am, after work, before bed. If I said I wanted a hug it would turn into an argument. I honestly feel she had plans of getting out of the marriage but didn’t want to be the one to initiate it. I think she wanted to push me to say I want a divorce.
It’s a tough situation. Both men and women are victims of this. We hear more from the women because some of us men don’t want to appear vulnerable or weak. Will I date again, sure. When? I’m very open about my status if asked. I’m still married yet separated. NC law says 12 months and a day. I have 6 more to go. If a woman is interested in getting to know me, it’s friends only. I don’t want anything that’ll create emotional, mental, spiritual or physical confusion. It’s tough not having the company of my wife, even harder to understand why this is happening. Only God knows why and only God can heal any wounds.
My husband and I have been married for almost 5 years and we have 2 beautiful children. We got separated in 2012 and just got back together this year. But I feel like he has been with someone else and the jealousy takes over me. What should I do?
My wife of 23 years is having an affair with a man from another state. I’m not sure how many times they’ve actually had physical contact, but at least twice that I know of. They are emotionally attached and they say they love each other. I’m sleeping in the guest room now and my two teenage daughters know something is up but we haven’t told them. I found out about the affair in June. I’m struggling to move forward but don’t want to lose everything we built together for the past 23 years. My wife is so resentful of me for not being there for her emotionally that she hates me. I do not want to date anyone right now but I need female companionship someone to talk to at least. Any ideas?
It’s difficult for a woman to live alone especially if there is a small kid involved. I’m trying my best to make ends meet… my husband left me for another woman… just because she is rich and I’m not. But this has made me even stronger. I have a daughter. She is 5… my support and reason to move on.
My husband of 22 years left me and our 2 teenaged sons a week after my eye cancer diagnosis. He has a girlfriend he’s moved in with. I too need a friend to talk to.
Hi Dell… so, so sorry for the pain you are experiencing with your diagnosis and then what your husband has done to you. Yes, I agree that you need a friend to talk to. But please don’t take this route. Even though your husband is doing what is wrong, that doesn’t mean that you should too You are still married, even though he is cheating. If for no other reason, your two sons needs to have at least one parent doing the right thing.
Please try to find a girlfriend to talk to or a lady (who is a godly one) in your church that would be a good sounding board. Please don’t complicate your life anymore than it already is. You have a lot going on that is very, very complicated and difficult. I can understand why you would want to talk to a good man. But this isn’t fair to him, nor is it good for what you are dealing with. He will most likely expect more from him than you should give –especially with your still being married. I hope you will prayerfully consider what I am saying here. Please know that my heart goes out to you, and that I am praying for you.
My husband and I have been married for 31 years (the last 2 years separated). When I found out about the affair, he said he wanted to go to his brothers to stay because he needed to think. He never came home and 7 months later he moved in with the woman he was having an affair with. A year later they broke up because he cheated on her and she kicked him out. He ran away and never came back.
We went golfing twice in the past 2 years, and that was the only thing he would do with me. He came over for family functions with our daughters, and we have been cordial and nice to one another. I’ve aligned myself up with God’s word that He hates divorce and wants reconciliation. He was baptized several years ago, and we went to a Bible study for a couple of years. I saw that there was something wrong with our relationship when he began to shut me out by not talking, etc. I think he would have continued to keep the affair a secret until it ran its course had I not started digging and found out about it and then confronted him.
I desire that he repent and come back to a relationship with the Lord more than anything and that we be reconciled. He has yet to file for divorce and I feel like I’m living in limbo, waiting on God to move in our situation with a miracle. So why have I shared this? It’s because I’m lonely. All my friends are busy with their husbands and families -and I just feel like a third wheel doing something with a couple. I don’t have anyone around who shares my same interests. Help! I’m lonely and miss my husband and doing the activities we enjoyed doing together.
Roxanna, I share your pain. My husband just left me 3 weeks ago. He is currently living with a girl young enough to be his daughter. I’m very disgusted with both of their actions but I want him back. We’ve been married over 25 years. I too am very lonely and am seeking God’s love to help me through this. I’m praying for my husband that God will help him realize that what he’s doing is wrong in so many ways.
No matter what the outcome I want my husband to get help. He is being very selfish, it’s all about him right now he doesn’t even care that his daughter has comepletely disowned him.
I am to going through the same thing.
My husband slept and moved in with someone else during our separation but now wants the marriage
Me too. My husband left 30 days ago. I’m completely lost.
Here is the most basic question…why would we even contemplate a “separation” when the scripture stands opposed to them? Why would Paul be so clear as to say that wives are not to separate from their husbands and if they do husbands are not to seek divorce? Do you think the Holy Spirit knew that women would ultimately seek 80% of all separations and that 88% would end in divorce? Certainly!
I have recently moved from my house following a time when my wife, against advice of our Christian counselor, had moved away with our daughter. Other than typical marriage disagreements – certainly not violence or scandal – there is no true justification for this action. Both sides of our family met and attempted to head this off but to no avail. I have been advised by many to stay where I am and let m wife deal with the stresses of trying to find housing, schools and income. Finally, just a few moments ago, it became very clear what path I must choose as a “Godly” man – I’ve written my wife to let her know that although I am sure that separation violates God’s sovereign will and purpose for our marriage, I will be out of our house by Sunday evening so she and our daughter can have the safety and comfort of a home they know and love. Divorce or reconciliation regardless, at least my children will know that dad did everything he could and left no stone unturned in seeking reconciliation. I pray that God will withhold his wrath such as David and Solomon experienced when they chose conscious sin over obedience…I have no place to go; this is a tiny town and I must stay close to my work. I have no extra money. I believe that this is just where God wants me.
God bless you my brother. Now that’s a true soldier and a true man in a woman’s eye but above all a TRUE MAN OF GOD. I take my hat off to you. I wish my husband did the same although he was the one that committed the crime. Pride and lust prevents so many people from doing the right thing. Great to know there are still some godly men around. God will honour and bless you for the humility and compassion you’ve shown your family. God’s Bless.
Did your husband ever come back?
My husband had ended our marriage because he began an affair with another woman. When I found out, he asked me to leave and she has moved in. He has asked for legal separation but is not interested in getting a divorce as it’s too expensive and he does not intend to marry this woman. They have been married 2 times now.
I long to be reconciled but am assured this won’t happen anytime soon, if at all, as he is infatuated with this woman. What am I meant to do in the mean time? I have lost a husband who is with someone else, I am alone, abandoned and not even divorced and, it seems there’s no chance of reconciliation. I can’t afford to divorce him on grounds of adultery.
It just seems I lose all around. Is God not for the abandoned at all? It just seems it’s all about being meek and a doormat whilst the erring spouse (whom I still love with all my heart and soul) gets away with it all. It’s hard to see God being active in all this.
Dear Caroline, I’m so very sorry for the painful time you are going through right now. This is not right, in any way, shape, or form. I will never understand how someone can give such solemn vows of love and commitment on their wedding day to God and the one they are marrying and eventually thinks it’s fine to see someone else and even move in with them. What are we, if we can’t keep our promises–especially such sacred ones? My heart truly cries for you and grieves with you.
As far as what you can do about this –especially in the face of all you have lost and are losing? I can’t kid you, honestly, I have to say, I’m not sure as to the specifics. But I don’t believe that chasing after your husband will do any good (if you’re tempted). It will only complicate matters all the more –throwing them closer together, rather than waking him up. I believe the only thing you CAN do is to abide in keeping your promises, doing what you can to find something good to occupy your time, praying, and abiding. I know those seem like easy words… I’m truly not just trying to give you “easy words” –I know beyond a shadow of doubt that this will be most difficult. But what alternatives do you have? Cheat back? Revenge?
If again, you are tempted, whatever you do, please don’t allow yourself to believe the lie that because you hurt so badly, solutions to cheat and do that which you should not, are acceptable. They are not. As someone once said, “Your greatest temptation to sin is when someone first sins against you. But THEIR sin never justifies YOUR sin. Fighting your mate’s irresponsibility with irresponsibility of your own is like pouring gasoline on a fire; it just makes things that much more explosive, that much worse.” So, please hold steady to that, which is good, even if your husband doesn’t.
Other alternatives would be to scream, cry, beg, and plead to your husband who has closed his heart to you at this time. Those choices wouldn’t work either. Those methods would just make you more upset and add fuel to the fire of having your husband step over you and past you even farther. You would be laying yourself out there to be stepped on even worse! The best thing to do would be to be “steadfast and immovable” as far as doing what is right and also in trusting God, even during dark times –times when you can’t understand why He is allowing things to go in the direction they are.
Remember, God is not finished yet. Just because you don’t see His activity, it doesn’t mean that He’s not up to something. Sometimes, some of God’s greatest moments are seen AFTER (sometimes long after) dark times when all seems to be lost and He appears to be not paying attention. Remember the cross and all that went on there? Remember Esther, in the Bible, when it seemed like her people would all be killed and injustice would prevail? It all turned around, as people prayed and were patient. I recently studied the book of Esther with Beth Moore. She said some interesting things that might help you, as you pray about them. She said: “God never hangs a veil over our understanding accidentally. He is intentional. There is a reason. And the reason may be that He is calling you to faith.”
Caroline, God didn’t cheat on you –your husband did. God gave him a free will (just as he gives you one)… but your husband has used his free will for evil. It’s not God’s intention for him to do that. But please don’t think your husband and this woman will “get away with it all”… The last page is not turned. When my dad left my mom for another woman, emptying their savings, and banking accounts –leaving my mom penniless with 4 children (with me being a young teenager with 3 younger siblings), all looked lost. I can’t even start to go into all the dark details. But my mom eventually gathered herself up, found jobs to work to support us, and worked on herself, and she did her best so she was able to take her eyes off of my dad. She left my dad to God and instead busied herself in making the best of a bad situation.
The strange thing is that eventually my dad woke up, saw what an outstanding, wonderful woman my mom was, left the other woman, and pleaded his way back into my mom’s life (and ours). He never cheated again, and loved her to her dying day. I can’t guarantee you that this will happen to you, but I CAN tell you that if you hold onto your faith, look to grow your faith in Him, you CAN’T go wrong. Eventually, you will head in a better direction than you ever could have if you would have gone in the other direction and if you abandon your faith. Faith is: F.A.I.T.H. = Forsaking All I Trust Him. It’s not faith, if it’s all predictable. Remember Caroline, God knows what it is to be abandoned by those He loves. He knows what it is to have them be unfaithful to Him. He also knows how to redeem that, which seems lost, and that, which seems impossible that it could ever go in a good direction again. Trust Him. He loves you and will never abandon you.
A few more things that Beth Moore said in the Bible Study of Esther comes to mind to repeat to you. She said, “Esther came to what many would call her ‘defining moment. …It’s important to be on the watch, for what ours is as well. …You may be one brave decision away from an important step in your destiny.” This appears to be a defining moment for you Caroline. When it all seems to go wrong, when darkness is upon you, will you stand up and do what is right and good, despite it all, or will you run away and allow yourself to become a bitter, faithless, depressive person? As Beth Moore said (in the Esther study), “We can find our significance and satisfaction in the shelter of the Most High” if we allow ourselves to. Yes, you have reason to become bitter… but will you? This is a defining moment for you when you’re up against the wall of disbelief and unfairness. I’ve seen many, many fall away… and oh, how sad that is. But I’ve seen some stand up and say, “this will NOT take me down. I was created for more than this and I WILL get past this, for the better, not bitter… not allowing darkness to overcome the Light.” And oh, how much they have inspired many, including me, who have looked on. Yes, you can cry and mourn for a time, but eventually, you need to make some pivotal decisions as to how you will conduct your life.
There are a few last things I want to share with you that Beth Moore said, because I think that they will be important to helping you “wait” out what God wants to do in and through you, despite all that is being done to you right now. She said, “Our culture is training us for impatience (impatience, when it comes to anything we think God should hurry up and tell us, or do for us). But if we will not wait upon the Lord, we will not fulfill our destiny. … Please know that if God puts a stay on things, something is up… things in heaven are coming into play with things on earth.” … “We will lose our strength when we wait upon the event, but our strength will be renewed when we wait upon the Lord.” I hope you will. I pray for you and hope along with you –that God will renew your strength and your hope.
Your words minister to my heart and thank God for him in you.
Wow! You are inspiring me today. Thanks for responding. God bless -Karen – 22 Feb 2016
Thank you for sharing these words of encouragement! A blessing to all that read them for sure. God Bless!
Thank you LeRoy. I pray they help someone. May God bless you too. :)
My husband got into a relationship with a younger women and 2 kids it really broke me down and I started drinking everyday. Tt didn’t help – it got worse. After reading this I’m going to give it to God and move on thank you.
I know exactly what you’re feeling and going through. I pray for your strength that God will bless you, because this is not easy. Stay strong.
Caroline, I am there also. My husband of 14 yrs , cheated on me throughout the marriage. My supporting the family thru the 2 pregnancies while he sat on his butt not working the first 3-4 yrs in beginning of our marriage. But I still held fast to “forgive to be forgiven’ mentality.
He has now abandoned the children and I and moved to another state with a woman with 3 kids from 3 different men. The loyalty, trust, forgiveness for the transgressions over the years don’t mean anything to him. He has in effect, put them completely out of his mind. The years of us struggling from welfare to him making a six figure income are meaningless to him. He tells me he isn’t capable of empathy, no one gave him any growing up.
His mother stayed with his alcoholic violent father…She is in the medical profession in pediatrics and is ‘supposed’ to report abuse. She didn’t protect her own child. So now this is the creation she raised to foster off to the world. She condones his behavior, even to the extent of telling our 13yr old son that ‘Its dad’s decision to move/leave us to find ‘happiness’ with this OW he left us for in another state.
The OW isn’t the first time he cheated; she was the 4th that I was aware of when he did leave us. Since then with working thru paperwork for the divorce, I have found copious amounts of receipts of cheating(websites, porn sites, posting his pic on hookup/dating sites). Does it hurt? YES it hurts VERY MUCH to know I gave him forgiveness and benefit of a doubt, and took his word that he wasn’t doing anything. Telling me he couldn’t/doesn’t feel like having sex with me because he knew I didn’t trust him.
HELLO! You have cheated, you are the one who needs to come clean and stop your abuses and make reparations to mend this. Gas-Lighting anyone? Then to find out he and her and all her friends are mocking me on FB with their alternative life (secret) profiles. Making jokes at my unknowing of their affair. My MIL friending her.
When DOES God take revenge? Possibly never. You have to find a way to let that go. Do use the NO CONTACT RULE. People like this will get away with any bad form of behavior they want. There are too many people who condone/cover people being CHEATING LIARs. Adultery is a word that is laughed at because Everyone is doing it…Not! Maybe everyone in their circle, but definitely not in my circle.
You have to turn your back on the person. Let’s face it they turned their back on you repeatedly thru out the marriage every time they cheated. Learn to never, ever sacrifice yourself to someone who hasn’t proven themselves. Learn to never trust anyone.
People with NPD can have great patience in winning their prey. Whatever your greatest desires are, is what they will mirror to your wants. They LOVE to play Knight in Shining armor to single desperate moms/women. Strong women with low self esteem are easy pickings, because he is an “answer to her prayers.”
She and her friends and family think she has finally found a Good One, The JackPOT of boyfriends, and OH how the NPD pampers and spoils with diamonds, designer purses, plush expensive house/home wares, luxurious vacations luring in with all that the needy OW hoped for. (Mind you, he denied the wife and kids these) He makes the OW kids priority over his own with the same spoiling machinations.
The wife at home not knowing he could be this generous because he never treated her this way. The NPD even steals his own children’s things when he finally does abandonment and gives them to OW kids.(fact) OH yes, the NPD will definitely make the new OW think that the wife is soo stupid for letting him get away. The wife couldn’t possibly understand the NPD, because she (OW) understands him on a Professional level that the wife is too stupid/uneducated to possibly deserve him.
The NPD showers the OW on how Smart, Intelligent, Wonderful the OW is compared to the wife.. Not knowing Dr.Jekyll/Mr.Hyde… the way the wife and kids have lived in with Mr. Hyde. The wife got the emotional abuse, the verbal abuse, the mental abuse, financial abuse then eventually to drive away the wife for good… physical abuse.
The wife and kids are the ones who do truly ‘Know’ him as Mr. Hyde. They were the ones who the NPD neglected and ignored weekend after weekend for years. When the NPD travels for work, no phone calls for the wife nor children, but the OW and her kids get what he denied for his own family. The OW hasn’t seen what the wife and kids have seen nor lived it. YET, will that ever happen that the OW gets what the wife was subjected to……? And will the NPD Ever get his comeuppance?
My husband and his brother were having threesomes with a woman for about 4 years. He even moved out and was living with her and her kids. All the time I thought he was staying with a male friend as he said the friend’s name was Jones. I didn’t know where this friend lived or anything about him. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. November 2014 my husband says he took a post in another city and moved out. New Year’s Eve 2014 I get a phone call from this woman who said she, my husband and brother in-law were in an affair for 5 years and her daughter calls my Husband daddy and there is also a baby involved! I was sooooo shocked!!! Anyway I kept my cool, chatted to her to get all info I needed! I then called my husband and he confirmed it. The child is his brother’s! The problem is he is still messing around and we are not divorced and I don’t know what to do!! I have a lot to lose if I get divorced! I simply don’t trust men!!
Been with this woman for 10 years, married 3. We NEVER had an argument until this past year. Basically I was frustrated with my career and not receiving any intimacy or affection at home. She did everything perfectly while dating but of course after we got married, things changed fast like a light switch. At times I felt duped. I’m a very understanding person. She has Diabetes, type 2, which came on about 3 years before we got married. But a strong feeling in me says it was more than just Diabetes and low sex drive. But she would always say, everything is fine.
Well, sex once every 2 weeks or so was not fine with me. Holding hands and such IN PUBLIC ONLY was not fine with me. Granted, there are 2 sides to every story but I was very open and communicative with her about my concerns and her replies were very vague at times so I didnt know what to do. Not too mention she is too clingy with her parents and I feel they influence her too much.
Long story short, I started “problem drinking” just to get through the day and I nutted up and in our argument, she said some hurtful things and I pushed her away from me making her glasses fall off and I slapped her. We’ve been separated for 4 months and she has not said a word to me. I have been delicate with my communication with occasional frustrated messages. The only thing I got from her is an email saying do what’s best for me right now because she’s going to do what’s best for her and that’s praying and fasting before she makes a decision.
Meanwhile, she bought a new truck and is making big decisions without me in regard. Though we were making plans to buy a new truck for her (because she so much needed and deserved it) I would not have made such a huge decision without my spouse (even with the situation) involved. She separated our car insurance and if I’m not mistaken, she’s about to take me off her health insurance. Some of me feels it’s her parents guiding her. It’s very hurtful when you have spent years supporting her and all of her PROBLEMS such as a bad knee and Diabetes.
For example, I rearranged my sleep patterns so I can be there to help when her sugar drops in the wee hours of the morning. (2am, 3am) And this was almost an everyday thing. I rubbed her down when she came home sore from working out or volleyball games. She basically didn’t have to do anything “extra” for me. I worked, DJ’d on the side, we went out and did things. So many times I was there for her and this ONE BAD year, which she knew what I was going through, now I have a criminal record trying to look for a job, spending extra money I don’t have and the only thing she has said in 4 months to me is to “do what’s best for you.” Riiiiiight. You made the call that has made my life a living hell, I’m near homeless, compounded with all this money I have to pay with probation, anger management etc and it seems she doesn’t even care what happens to me.
The kicker? She comes from a STRONG religious background, smh…. I mean, this woman would not even be alive to make the money she makes if it wasn’t for me looking after her night after night, morning after morning, suggesting better diets, workouts and such. I go through a bad patch and this is what I get… Though what I did was wrong and I’m taking full responsibility for it, I can’t help but to feel discouraged and even betrayed. I question her now. Like, can I really depend on you to make sound decisions when a crisis hits or do I have to deal with you running to your parents instead of your husband? I remember fixing the water heater and her running to her dad who could only say to call a plumber when I was already fixing it?! smh…
I love her and I do feel she loves me but in my opinion she has become very selfish (as I thought she was to a certain degree anyway) I was her lifeline and now I need a lifeline and all I get is a shotty email. I feel if I have to go through all of this mess BY MYSELF WITH NO KIND OF SUPPORT, she’s the LAST person I would want to benefit from my elevation. Talk to me guys…. I’m not an abusive person, I allowed the alcohol to overtake me this year but I am a great, loving, laid back person. Life’s obstacles I guess. sigh
Hey Bro, It’s been 14 month I’ve been separated from my wife of 17 years. Similar story to yours. I went through the stage you’re at and in the past month God spoke clearly to me these 7 words “There is no blame in Heaven.”
After thinking on that I realized I had been blaming my wife and she was blaming me (vicious cycle with no end in sight). All the blame for her me and everyone was nailed to the cross -Jesus took our blame. Are we still tempted -yes but we no longer hold the right to blame others. He took the blame for even our own bad choices and mistakes. All the best.
God bless… My wife abandoned the marriage around 7 or 8 months ago. She won’t talk to me about why. She just says that she’s done with the arguments. The crazy part is that the arguments are about the selfish & disrespectful decisions she continually made while we were together. Unfortunately in her mind she doesn’t think she did anything wrong. She wants her way and that’s it.
I’ve been praying, fasting & yet nothing is changing. The more time goes by the more she says that she’s not coming back. Also, the communication is decreasing as time goes by. Sometimes thoughts pop up in my head and I just start rebuking. I don’t know what else to do. I’m alone, I have no other family, no transportation to church and I’m depressed. At this point there’s still no action towards divorce, but she made it clear that she wants one. Why she hasn’t filed? I don’t know.
It hurts deep because I love her very much, but I love Jesus more. We’re both baptized and were members at a local church, but at the present time she’s not seeking the Lord. What should I do? Some say I should file for divorce and then others say I should let her file. The crazy part is that the ones telling me to file are Christians. Well, at least they call themselves Christians. Some even get mad because I say I want to wait on the Lord’s answer or guidance. I’ll never understand that one. I believe we should seek the Lord’s guidance in everything.
So now I’m in the pit waiting to go to the palace and it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with. I’m out of options, so I just keep praying & praying. Being physically alone isn’t fun and sometimes I just want to give her but the Holy Spirit says HANG IN THERE… So I do, but oh boy what a struggle it is. At times I want to go and date, but then realize it’s not a good move. My wife has been unfaithful before, but I don’t know if she is dating anyone right now. One thing I do know is that God will hold me accountable for my actions not hers. He’ll deal with her in his own time. So I keep my focus on God daily… Also, I’ve heard some people say I should leave it in God’s hands. Does that mean leave her alone completely? No calls, no texts, etc? Please help… Any suggestions? Prayers welcomed… Thanks & God bless.
This is painful. 6 months ago my wife seperated from me, she is a non believer because of my fault; but I do praise God because areas of my life have changed. But she wants to just be friends although I have hurt her because I was religious, and I find it so hard because we can get on really well! But I’m not allowed to cuddle, kiss, or talk about seeking any help. She wants me to find someone else. I’m missing the companionship – it’s horrible. I do love her and have been trying to do the love dare but when it comes to my consistentcy, I loose! I feel like a failure to my kids! I’m trying my hardest. I was and am nosey into her life! Because I’m scared and very nosey and was controlling.
She is your wife and if you have anything to push her away then, you need to seek counselling from your local church leaders to encourage you and pray with you asking God’s forgiveness. She is rightfully your wife and your marriage bed only will defile if you have any relationship outside of your marriage.
She is rightfully your wife if you and her have not comitted adultry.
God bless and I hope I have encourged.
My Husband left me on December 30, 2014. I soon found out he was living with a 31 year old girl; I say girl because he’s 51. She’s young enough to be his daughter. Her friends and family seem to think that is okay. We’re not legally separated, we’re still married. He told her he was getting a divorce, which was news to me he told me he had no plans.
Why do people think that is okay? And how can I get him back we have been married for over 25 years? He says he’s not having a midlife crisis but I think he is. Please help.
Hello, My wife and I separated for a period of 3 months. I went back to my hometown but returned for the holidays (Halloween through Christmas). I wasn’t living a wholesome life, which she caught wind of thru social media etc… (I was basically drinking and carrying on the way I had been at home the past 2 years) backsliding at best.
Anyway, she had been cultivating a “friendship” with a single dad from her mother’s daycare she met while caring for his daughter. Long story short I noticed phone records that they were talking a lot. Next I noticed they had gone out in group settings Halloween hayride to pumpkin patch to trick or treating to the zoo for Christmas lights etc… then I found out she had been at his house late at night 5 times 3x in 1 week and 1 night til 3 in the morning.
All along she and he claimed they’re just “friends”!! We both on New Years Eve confessed, prayed, and asked for forgiveness of our wrong doing. She claims they only kissed, which is what I confessed to from an incident 2 years prior. My problem is that she wants to remain friends, and the mother in law still has him on the roster at the daycare. I’m upset, angry, and not too sure what to do???
Derek, You both need to follow through with what you confessed to and prayed for –that, which will help to grow your marriage in loving and healthy ways. You need to put up boundaries in your marriage to protect it –to hedge it in so temptation isn’t given into so easily as before. You both should have learned from the harm you allowed to enter your marriage. If so, then you need to do something intentional about it.
You asked what you should do because you are so upset and angry. Yes, it’s understandable that you are angry. There are boundaries within your marriage vows that are being crossed over, or very close to being crossed over. The time to do something about it is before temptation takes a bigger bite here. There is an article I encourage you to read and when you are calm, to have your wife read so you can talk about it (we have other articles like it posted on this web site too). It’s titled, HEDGES: Loving Your Marriage Enough to Protect It. Another article for you and your wife to read through would be PROTECTING YOUR MARRIAGE FROM INFIDELITY.
After reading them (and others linked to within them), it would be good for your marriage to sit down as a marital team to figure out what boundaries you can put up that will best work for your marriage, to protect it. If you don’t you may very well see one or both of you “slide” down into doing more with others than you should, and put your marriage in jeopardy. We see this happen over and over and over again. I can’t emphasize this importance –to be pro-active in protecting your marriage relationship, rather than just reactive (after things have already happened that shouldn’t). Boundaries, hedges, fences, etc. are constructed for a reason. Someone could go over the cliff if they don’t have that type of boundary in place before you need it.
PLEASE take this seriously. You still have a good chance of growing this marriage in great ways, and saving it from disaster later. You’ve both shown that you can fall into temptation in ways that hurt your marriage. Be smart and protect yourself ahead of time, this time. Please don’t say, “oh, it won’t happen to us… you’re being to reactive.” Trust me when I say that I’m not being reactive. Again, I’ve seen the tragic results over and over and over again from those who thought it was “silly” to do the things mentioned in the articles and blogs. Be smart. Team up together and protect your relationship as you should. I hope you will.
My husband of a little less than 5 years is having an affair with a woman from his past and who lives several states away. We are now unofficially separated and I’m not welcome in my husband’s home. I chose to move out of the country for a short time and then I will have to decide where I am going to live when I return.
Without going into a lot of explanation, I am now homeless and jobless, a situation that I, a professional and well-respected woman, never thought I would be in. Long story short, we lived overseas for a while, then he moved back into the States. I resigned my job after almost a year apart to return to him in spite of our many difficulties. I return and I find out that I am not welcome. The kicker is we both still love each other and I so desperately want to be with him.
Now, I am here in this non-English speaking country, all alone, unable to enjoy it because I am so sad and always on the verge of a crying spell. We talk everyday but all he shares with me is how I have wronged in. I am 61 years old and feel that I may end up alone. I am trying so hard to cast my worries over to God, praying that my husband will see the error of his ways and move back towards reconciliation, praying that I will be given the desire and the wisdom to be changed into the kind of woman that GOD wants me to be and hopefully, that this is the kind of woman that my husband wants, praying that I will get past this extreme loneliness and sadness, praying that I will learn to love myself as I did prior to my marriage (my husband seems to see only the “bad” and harps on this all the time).
As I write this and as I think of our discussions (my husband has shared more, about his feelings about situations, with me than EVER before in the past 2 weeks; before he just reacted in anger and I did not understand why he was angry so much), I can see the error of my actions in many of these cases, but I still believe in commitment to the marriage and in forgiveness and in giving someone the opportunity to improve.
My husband says he had seen me prioritize him the way he wants to be prioritized in the past 2 months since my return from the overseas job we both had, but he believes that it is only because NOW I am in a “catastrophic” situation and he does not believe that it will last. Yet, he has a mistress that he TRUSTS????