“Should I date while I am separated?” How many times have I heard that question? And, how many times have I given a hard answer? “If you are not free to marry, you are not free to date!” I first read that statement in Britton Wood’s book, Singles Want to Be the Church, Too. Mr. Wood has worked with singles and separated persons longer than anyone in his denomination.
After several years of counseling the separated, I am more convinced than ever that Britton Wood is right. When you start dating someone else while you are separated, you make reconciliation more difficult. The more you date, the muddier the water becomes.
Loneliness
I know that you have needs; you are lonely. Sometimes the load seems unbearable. I know that dating while separated is accepted, even encouraged, in our society. But most of those who are dating will never be reconciled. They will be divorced.
Dating is a prelude to remarriage, not therapy for reconciliation. Certainly you need friends. You need a listening ear. You need people who care and help bear the load, but the dating context is not the best place to find such help.
Vulnerable While Separated
You are extremely vulnerable during these days of separation. Unfortunately there are those of the opposite sex who would like to take advantage of your vulnerability. Although pretending to be concerned about you, they are busy satisfying their own desires.
I have seen many men and women devastated by such an experience. Your own emotions are erratic, and it would be easy for you to get infatuated with anyone who treats you with dignity, respect, and warmth.
Have you noticed the number of people who get married the day after they are divorced? Obviously they have been dating during separation. If the separation period is a time to seek reconciliation, why spend energy in an activity that leads to divorce and remarriage? Separation is not tantamount to divorce. We are still married while we are separated, and we ought to so live, whether or not our spouse complies.
Don’t Date While Separated
I know this is difficult to accept, but I believe the present trend of open dating immediately after separation must be deterred. Such activity encourages and contributes to the increasing divorce rate.
If you believe in the power of human choice, then you must concede that your estranged spouse may well turn from his or her estrangement and seek reconciliation. You want to be prepared for that day if it comes. Dating someone else in not the way to be prepared. Develop friends, but refuse romantic involvement until the fate of your marriage is determined.
The above article comes from the book, Hope For the Separated: Wounded Marriages Can Be Healed
— ADDITIONALLY —
Here’s a statement from Pastor Ted Cunningham that gives further insights into this issue of dating while you are separated. We encourage you to prayerfully read:
I am sick and tired of fighting for a marriage only to find out that one of the spouses is already dating someone new. Come on! How in the world are we going to save a marriage and protect the future of your children when you are so stinking selfish with a boyfriend or girlfriend waiting in the wings? Your children deserve better.
I’m not a stalker, but I do check out Facebook from time to time. It absolutely shocks me when I see the photos of the new boyfriend or girlfriend before the divorce is even final. It says to me, “I never really tried. I know we met with Ted and tried to get help. But it just didn’t work.” Hogwash! Bologna! You didn’t try. You had your options lined up. Fight for your marriage. Be a man! Be a woman! Give your children a fighting chance. O how the enemy eats this up.
Commitment
Last April, I ate breakfast with Dr. Scott Stanley, a professor and researcher at the University of Denver. He gave me the definition of commitment that I absolutely love. “Commitment is making a choice to give up all other choices.” That is the opposite of what we are brought up to believe. We are taught to keep our options open. This is why some marriage counselors drive me insane. They just sit down with a couple, hear their marriage story, and assess, “I don’t think there is any hope. This marriage is over.”
Jesus breathes life into dead marriages! There is hope no matter how stuck you are!
Make the commitment to do ALL you can to give this marriage a fighting chance. Invest in the process of trying to save your marriage. Don’t date while you are separated!
The above statement comes from Ted Cunningham’s book, Fun Loving You, published by David C Cook. We highly recommend this book to everyone who is married.
Filed under: Separation and Divorce
(USA) I found this site today. About 4 months ago, my wife asked me to go to Counseling to fix issues. She refused to participate in couples Counseling. I have been going to counseling every 2 weeks and have learned a lot. I have been taking steps to improve myself. At the early stages, the counselor did tell me that as I improve, my wife would either embrace the changes or move further away. Well, she has moved further away and started an emotional affair with a man.
I confronted her last night and she admitted to it. I demanded that he no longer visit the house, that the phone calls and texting and all interaction with him STOP. She said “NO, he meets my needs and I have been miserable for 7 years. …Marrying you was a mistake…”
We homeschool our 3 children, 9, 7, 5. She has agreed that she wants to have a divorce with minimal impact. She proposes that she get an apartment and continue to homeschool at our house, then leave when I come home…
I am a Christian; I thought she was too… but she told me that she never was… that she does not believe in the Bible (although we pray all the time? she said she just did it to please me and she’s tired of conforming to me). She said she is done and over with the marriage.
I don’t know what to do. As a Christian should I fight any divorce… if so, that would be more emotionally damaging to the children. Or should I agree to the separation (although she is leaving whether I agree or not) to make this seamless and less damaging to all? 10 years of marriage and I feel devastated. I am a small business owner, and soon to be divorced father of 3.
(UNITED STATES) I am so glad I found this thread. I know people face difficult times within their relationships all the time, but I figured my situation was extreme and not common. It’s somewhat comforting to know other people have gone through “similar” scenarios, and some have come out of them better than before.
My husband and I have been married for 5 years (as of the 15th of this month). We have been separated numerous times throughout our marriage, and 3 times lived apart for about a month each time. Typically my biggest problem was how much attention my husband felt he needed from other women. When I would find out he got another woman’s phone number, or someone would call and stutter when I identified myself as his wife, he would say “I just wanted to see if I still ‘had it'”.
2 years ago while we were having a hard time, I was fighting for our marriage and took our family on a quiet family vacation. He seemed very uninterested and distant. After my gut was shouting at me I checked our phone records. I found out he had been having intimate conversations (personally intimate -flirting, saying how much he liked her, asking if he could move in- not necessarily sexually intimate) with a girl since the previous month. It crushed my heart, but after a little over 2 months of being separated, he convinced me things were going to be better and he moved back in.
We now have 3 children 4, 2 and almost 1 year old. They are all boys, and I feel a boy NEEDS his father, but I feel horrible that the idea that’s being instilled in them of marriage is one of anger, and constant feuding. I try to not raise my voice often, and usually end up crying in silence. I have been absolutely miserable for months because it just feels like I have no more to give, but am always expected to give EVERYTHING.
My husband is horribly disrespectful. My friends won’t really include me in anything because they don’t want him around, and when he is out EVERY weekend (he’s a musician) until 2 in the morning it gets lonely. I told him I wanted to separate, and he agreed; however he wanted to continue living in the house because I also decided I would finally return to school. (I have been financially supporting our family for the last 6 years-because he’s “too pretty to work”) -p.s-I also work F-T. I am not a stupid girl, but when it comes to emotional decisions… I am a wreck!
So here’s the situation as it stands: After about a month of being “separated”, but living together, and seeing him still going to his gigs, and seeing pictures of him dancing and hugging other women, I decided I was done being miserable. I gave a man my phone number and began speaking to him for a week before I agreed to go on a date. It was fun, but I felt very nervous, and unsure. I liked him, but of course am very leary about men as a general rule. I had my husband’s voice in my head “no one is going to want you except for sex”. I talked on the phone but didn’t go on anymore dates.
Within a day or two of that, my husband was confessing his love and desire to re-kindle our relationship. One week later, my husband asked me if I had gone out with anyone, and I was honest. I even admitted to allowing the man to kiss me. He was so upset, and said he wanted to slap me; thankfully he didn’t. He said he didn’t think he could forgive me, and when I said I had forgiven him for his faults, he said that was my choice, and he didn’t know if he could do the same.
He’s been very passive aggressive since then -saying you went out on a date, so I am going to too… AND I’m going to let the girl “kiss me”, and then I will wake up to him hugging me. I just feel lost. I want to make the right choice in God’s eyes, I want my children to have a happy healthy life, and I want to be happy too. I know this is a lot, but I just wish there was a clear, defined answer. I need prayers, and any advice would be appreciated. Having you tell me I’m an idiot will not help. I already know that.
(USA) I have been married 33 years and I am filing for a dissolution after many years of dealing with affair after affair he has had. He wants a legal separation because he doesn’t have health insurance. I don’t know what I should do. I also realize that I would still be married and not free to date, if I am still married. Help!!!
(USA) Can me and my boyfriend get married even though he has been separated from his ex wife for 20 years but not divorced?
(NIGERIA) I’ve been married to a man who divorced his wife about ten yrs ago, later went back to his wife and has an eight years old girl now. Since I heard that I’ve been so insecure. But I know my husband loves me and I’ve just been married for 6 months now. I live in Nigeria while the both of them are in the UK. Can I join him? It hurts to be me alone here in Nigeria while both of them are in the UK. What do I do?
(USA) I have been married to my wife for 20 years. She had an affair six months into the marriage. I told her I loved her and wanted to work through this problem. We have three children 15, 13 and 8 but I never felt she loved me like before the affair.
She has had now three emotional affairs in the last three years. The recent one is with a person that I warned her about because she came to me for advice. She began texting him and he has told her he wants to have a relationship with her. We have been going to counseling seperately for ourselves and were suppose to go together for marraige counseling with her counselor. She has kept me out of the process for three months and has not been honest to her counselor.
She asked if I thought separating might help us and I answered, “who is it and is it e-mail or texting”, she lied and the phone records narrowed it down to who I thought it was. We are friendly at home and with everyone of these affairs she adds the to conversation too much. I have told her she can go but I will work on the marriage if she is willing. Everyone of these guys make her fit their schedule. But my schedule as a police officer leaves her lonely. I have never strayed from my marriage. HELP!!
(PHILIPPINES) I have been dating a separated man for 2 years. His wife abandoned him and his kids 10 years ago. Suddenly upon retirement, the wife shows up. Divorce in this country is not allowed. He wants us to continue. I have read the comments and as of this moment I do not want to think, because I am very much in love with him.
(USA) I met a girl in college who immediately became by best friend and lover. We dated for four years and moved in together for about another three years there after. On Christmas Eve of 2008 we became engaged and were very excited about our future life together. When we returned to work in January (after the Christmas Holiday) we were both laid off in the same week. I worked for a large mortgage bank and she worked for another real estate related company that was eventually bought out by another financial instition.
The short story is we both lost our jobs and came on very tough times, it effected the relationship. We had to move in with friends and family as it took about 6 months for us both to get truly back on our feet financialy. It put a lot of stress on the relationship and she cheated on me, how many times I don’t know but she was my fiance and she ended up getting pregnant. I was devastated. I was too weak to RUN like I should have, instead I stayed involved off and on until she had her child. She had a beautifull baby girl and to this day I love her daughter immensely. The regret that she had and the resentment I had for her made it difficult to maintain any semblence of a relationship. We should never have moved in together before marriage.
After we parted for the second time I grew close to one of my clients through work. She was a woman a few years older than I was (29 and 35) that was on her second marriage. A first marriage for a few years and a 14 year old son, and a second marriage for 11 years and a 2 year old adopted boy. She couldn’t take her husband any more, they had no communication, intimacy, or respect for each other because he would forget to pay bills and never worked on sexual issues they had in their marriage.
We grew to be closer friends, eventually having an affair with her. I was desperate to replace the hole I had in my heart. I was weak and made the mistake of thinking that I could fill that hole without taking the time and self efforts necessary to become a stronger, independent man. Within a few months we were madly in love and she moved out from her husband’s house (on her own). They rotated custody of their three year old son while she primarily took care of the 14 year old from the previous marriage. This was sin, lust, over done desire.
Why am I telling you this? We dated for about six months before she officialy left, but within the year separation period she decided that she had mixed emotions about leaving her husband, and the pain and discomfort this has caused for her and her children. When people are hurting they make decisions that are not always logical. I was hurt terribly when she said she wanted to give her marriage a second chance, here I was losing the most important person in my life. I still love her very much but accept the fact that we are not right for each other. I read in these postings about the men whose wives stray off and commit terrible acts like I was involved in, but I want to offer a beacon of hope. More often than not the wife comes back to the husband, although it will be a process and probably very painful. More often than not people realize that they can not mask their problems by jumping into another relationship without taking time to reflect on who they are and what went wrong.
Somebody here talks about how the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Let me tell you, work on your problems, be independent and don’t fear being alone. More often than not the situation will turn, and she will not necessarily be happier with this other man once the honeymoon period is over. Lastly, try to forget about being alone and weak, think about what this relationship really does or prevents you from doing in your life. I have been on all sides of this equation and I regretfully say in almost every occasion I was wrong. I suspect your spouse will do the same.
(UK) I am separated but not divorce as my religion does not allow this. I started dating a co-worker and ended up hiding our relationship because we are co workers and most of the people at work still believe that I should work out my marriage. I have been seeing this man for over 4 years now and he has been asking me to move in with him, although he knows my situation wouldn’t allow it yet. We had plans of living together somtime next year but then he started making issues about me still being in a marriage and he also blamed me for us not having a normal relationship.
Everything was alright before, until we got nearer to the time we have been waiting for, which is for me to have my marriage officially and legally over. He became cold and distant. He does not see me very often now and always prioritizes other things. When he is not with me, he does not text or answer my calls and he said it is because we are still trying to be discreet. Don’t get me wrong, I did not separate with my husband because of this man. I was not living with my husband anymore before I met him.
I am suspecting that he is cheating on me but I have no proof. I am confused if I am just being paranoid or maybe scared because of my past experience with my husband. I really want to know how true he is in our relationship but I am going nuts, because he is now, at this very minute, partying with our co workers and he didn’t ask me to come. He simply asked me if I was attending and when I said no, he simply was not bothered to at least convince me to come which is very unusual of him.
I wish he could just tell me if he didn’t want me in his life anymore rather than making me feel so confused. I know I can handle it if and when we separate. I survived when I got pushed aside by my husband for another woman and with God’s help I know I can do this. I am hurting inside now cause I know he is having fun while I am writing this. I hurt so much because I thought I found a man who is different from my husband. My husband is rich and famous and can give me all that I want and he is begging me to come back to him but despite of it all, I chose to stay with this man in the hope that I can grow old with him and be happy even if it means working double time because he didn’t earn much.
I am ready to sacrifice what I have and could have, to be with this man because I want an everlasting relationship but then… I think I am destined to keep on ending up with the wrong man. So sad and depressed and frustrated. Why does a relationship have to be complicated? Is something wrong with me? My husband cheated on me because I cannot bear children. Is there something worst that can happen to me? Well, I will have to love myself from now on and stop counting on men to love me, despite the fact that I am barren. Thanks for reading peeps.
(IRELAND) I’ve been married all of 3 and a half months and the day after Christmas I found out that my husband slept with another woman, a workmate no less. This happened exactly 3 months and 1 da after our marriage and has left me completely heartbroken and unsure of what to do. We have 2 kids and while I took my marriage vows seriously, I don’t think they meant anything to him.
I know we promised to stand by our spouse through sickness and in health and for better or worse, and I understand marriage is not all a bed of roses, it’s something which has to be worked at on a daily basis. But this is not the first time this has happened. We have been together a total of 13 and a half years and 6 years ago my world was turned upside down like it has been again recently.
I don’t want to walk out on my marriage. I still love my husband very much but I’m not sure I can go through this again. Once is hard enough and no matter how many times he says he’s sorry and he loves me, I’m finding it hard to believe him this time. Is there any hope for us? I don’t want to live the rest of my life wondering when is it going to happen again? I’m absolutely heartbroken that our marriage vows mean nothing to him. Right now I am so heartsick. It scares me :(
(USA) I never saw it coming. My wife and I are still married. I found out she had been having an affair for quite some time. Once I had discovered it, my thoughts were she would ask me for forgiveness, come back, and work out our marriage. Boy was I wrong! Once I found out about her cheating she told me she was trying to work it out with the other guy instead of me, her husband.
She has moved into his house two miles from where our home is. I asked my wife, you know, you are married to me. Why did you go out with him in the first place? She said I don’t know. Say’s she is coming back if I can wait one year. She even picked a date November 15, 2012. I know of no man that could do that. I love my wife but one year. What do I get after Nov. 15, 2012, if she doesn’t return?
She tells me how hurt she is. I’m the one who sleeps alone. I’m hurting and this guy is more than happy to have sex with my wife. Now I understand how people can kill. I can take death better than to lose my wife like this.
It amazes me that a woman who has a loving, hard working man for a husband, would treat me so poorly. By the way, did I mention she still calls me 3 to 5 times a day and say’s she loves me? I tell her to come home and she says not until November. As a man I have gone through Hell over this. I only wish I had never given this woman my heart. I hurt so bad it is hard to even breathe. I just hope that all who read this post would pray for my wife and me.
(UNITED STATES) My husband has been gone 2 months. He drives a truck for a living and he met this woman truck driver on the road. They had been talking for a while on his cell phone, I found out. His whole personality and behavior toward me changed. He got so mad all the time toward me and he was taking longer trips to be with her. I LOVE him so very much. We have been married 12 yrs. This woman is younger than me.
He was saved 5 yrs. ago and did well until satan put the temptation in front of him. She has moved in with him, when she is in town. Now he tells me he is out on a limb and doesn’t know what to do. He said he was afraid because he couldn’t back up what he had done.
I love him very much and I want our marriage to work out. I don’t know what to say or do. I try to show unconditional love toward him, but I don’t want him just to tell me one thing and I get my hopes up. He still loves me. I know that. But he is in limbo. I pray that God will convict him and soften his heart and turn away from this woman who is married also. Thank you.
(USA) I agree – when your wife is pregant with your baby thats not right at all. These guys know and are sick when thay are married with kids and want to take your wife out. They just trying to get what they want. And if you are married what do you want with somebody’s wife when you have your own?
(SOUTH AFRICA) My husband and I are married for 2 yrs, 4 months. We have been separated for just over a year. We tried reconciling a couple of times but somehow things always go wrong. Recently we reconciled but I found out that he has a girlfriend and he refuses to talk with me. We have 2 kids ages 3 and 1, which he has no time for. I love him so much. What do I do?
(CANADA) I did not read all the comments, but everyone says “run for your life” he is not worth it! Your kids will benefit from it! What they are telling you is just plain wrong and they should be smacked over the noggin with filling your head full of nonsense.
That is what happens in today’s society, we flee and find a replacement. No, you have to stay, get help, get counseling, get whatever it takes if you love this person. This person is going through something that you or I do not understand. They need help.
The problem lies with trying to get this person to see this though. This is my situation. My wife has left me, but I am going to sit and wait it out to see if she comes around. I was mad at first and doing anything to be defiant, but that is not going to bring her back. I want her to come back and I will and always have been willing to do anything for her. 16 years together. I do not want to have to pick up the pieces from some else’s marriage that went sour. I would much rather pick up my own pieces and glue them back together. Seeing that we once were unseparable and she was my best friend. It has only been sour the last 3 years, because I fell into major depression with anxiety issues. It destroyed our relationship.