How do you deal in your marriage, with the death of a child that you never had the opportunity to hold in your arms? And yet you held them, and always will, in your heart. How does any human being emotionally deal with such a grievous loss of a miscarriage?
Tragically, so many couples deal with this horrible situation every day. They lose their baby sometime during the pregnancy. It is commonly called a “miscarriage.” Even the word “miscarriage” brings with it the thought that the parent will “miss” being able to “carry” their baby physically, this side of heaven. For those of you who are grieving through this loss, the emotional effects upon your marriage and upon each of you as individuals, can vary greatly.
“Sometimes a husband may blame his wife, or the wife may even blame her husband. Confusion and hurt can develop and cause great tension in a marriage if they are not handled properly.” (Elizabeth Honeycutt, who developed Babygrief.com)
Giving Grace After Miscarriage
That is why it is extremely important to give each other the grace that is needed so the grieving process doesn’t push you apart as a married couple. You need to work together as partners through tragedies that you encounter. There’s something that Christi Bear wrote, that you might consider about all of this. It comes from the article “Understanding Miscarriage”:
“It’s common to experience extreme sadness, anger, guilt and anxiety about future pregnancies. There is no ‘typical’ time-frame for emotional recovery. Every woman experiences the grieving process in her own way. She travels the road to healing at her own pace. While it’s important to allow time and personal ‘space’ for grieving, if the grief becomes too overwhelming —leading to a more serious episode of depression and despondency —it may be necessary to get professional help.
“Fathers, too, are profoundly affected by the loss of a child. Unfortunately, a common misconception regarding miscarriage and stillbirth is that only the mother is affected. Women often feel more freedom to cry and express their grief. But men tend to feel pressure to ‘remain strong.’ Often they busy themselves with work or other activities in an effort to deal with their grief. Because men and women typically express their emotions and process their grief differently, it’s important for both parents to communicate their feelings to one another. This helps to avoid the added pain of misunderstandings.”
Miscarriage: When the Cradle Is Empty
John and Sylvia Van Regenmorter wrote something about this in their book, When the Cradle is Empty. It’s something that could help to explain the pain and tension that a miscarriage can bring into the marriage:
“The following reactions are common among women. They wonder: ‘Does my husband feel as badly as I do about our baby? Does he know that since our baby died, I hate having sex? Why do I feel so unattractive? Why is becoming pregnant again such an obsession for me, but not for him?’
“Conversely, it’s not uncommon for the husband to think, ‘I have to be strong for my wife’s sake. She’ll only grieve more if I show my emotions, so I’ll keep my thoughts to myself. Why has she withdrawn sex? Is she blaming me? I know she wants to become pregnant again, but I’m afraid of what losing another baby would do to her. It seems like she’s crying all the time, and it’s really getting to me. I wish we could be happy again, like we were before the baby died.'”
John and Sylvia go on to give suggestions for walking through the loss of a baby. It’s important to personalize your baby, and not rush through to “move on” before you are ready. It’s also important to bring “your turmoil to God.” But they also suggest that you “grieve in your own way.”
They write:
“Greg Bodin, director of pastoral care at North Medical Center in Minnesota, has worked with hundreds of families who’ve experienced miscarriage, still-birth, or early infant death. He and his wife have also suffered the loss of two children through miscarriage and stillbirth. Among the things he’s learned are:
• Loss is uniquely personal. There is no typical response or ‘right’ reaction to a pregnancy loss or death of a newborn.
• Feel the freedom to grieve in your own way. Don’t let anyone prescribe how you should feel. And don’t try to adapt your feelings to the expectations of others.
• Remember that the length of pregnancy doesn’t correlate to the grief felt. Some parents experience a great sense of loss even though the pregnancy was short-term.”
“Many couples feel the grief over miscarriage or stillbirth years after the loss,” Elizabeth Honeycutt from Babygrief.com says. “Others close up their feelings and try their best to move forward. For those who have felt the personal pain of losing a baby, the emotions, questions and grief need to be felt, answered, and worked through.”
A Few Things to Help After a Miscarriage
To help those of you who are living through the pain and confusion this experience brings into your life, we have found a few articles posted on different web sites, written by those who have experienced miscarriage, firsthand. We pray they will minister to your hearts and your marriage relationship.
The following is a linked article is written by Laura Mills. Please read:
You will find below a linked Focus on the Family article, written by Lisa Brock. It is one of a 4-part series on the subject of miscarriage that we recommend you read (each one). We believe you will gain further insight into your situation as you read:
Below are a few things that Marlo Schalesky learned through the ordeal of her and her husband experiencing 6 miscarriages. (She wrote about them in a Today’s Christian Woman article titled, “Surviving Miscarriage” that you could find insightful to read.)
In this article Marlo talks about the different ways of dealing with grief. That’s a big part of the problem she and her husband were having, concerning the miscarriages.
She wrote that she and her husband Bryan were having marital problems after her miscarriages (which is quite common). They kept arguing to the point that she didn’t feel like he cared about the losses like she did. But she eventually saw that the problem she was having was that he wasn’t “reacting” like she thought he should. She couldn’t understand the way he was acting and reacting.
She wrote:
“I wanted him to be more emotional. And he wanted me to be less. Only later would we realize that each of us faces hard times in life in different ways. I get mad. He gets stony quiet. And that’s okay. To partner with each other through grief didn’t mean we had to be mirrors of each other. Instead, it meant we had to stand alongside each other, supporting each other as we allowed the other to process miscarriage in our own individual ways. We had to stop judging, stop expecting, and stop secretly demanding.”
She went on to write:
“When we started to allow each other to process the grief of miscarriage differently, without judging or accusing, we found that partnering with each other through the process drew us together and strengthened our marriage. The lessons we learned about each other could then be applied to other areas of stress in our lives. When Bryan came home cold and stony from work, I knew he’d had a bad day. I also knew that it didn’t have anything to do with me or his love for me. When I blew my top over something small, he learned not to take it personally. Instead he would ask me how my day went because he knew something hard must have happened to set me off.
“Once we lifted the burden of expectation, we found we could appreciate, support, and allow each other the grace to be partners in the process instead of copies of each other.”
You can read about Marlo’s experiences by googling the title and author on the Internet.
Don’t and Do Tell Me
And then here’s something I’d like to share with you that is written by someone unknown. And yet the advice given may be important for others to know about:
Don’t tell me, “You can have another baby.” How do you know? Besides, I want this baby.
Don’t tell me, “at least it happened before it was born. It’s not like you knew the baby.” I did know my baby. For the short time s/he was with me, I loved my baby with all my heart. I had hopes and dreams for this baby. And I had names picked out, plus a theme for the nursery. I knew my baby was going to be a very special person.
Don’t tell me, “It’s just one of those things.” It was not just “one of those things” from my viewpoint. Miscarriage has had a devastating effect on my life, and making it sound as though it was an unimportant event does not lessen the impact.
Don’t tell me, “It’s common,” or “It happens to a lot of women.” This happened to me, and all I want is to have my baby back.
Don’t tell me, “It was just a blob of tissue.” In my heart and in God’s eyes, I know I was carrying a living being inside me from the moment s/he was conceived. Please don’t trivialize my beliefs or that precious life.
Don’t tell me, “You should be over it by now.” Even though the physical effects may have subsided, I am still hurting emotionally. My child has died, and it takes much longer than a week or two to recover from that pain.
And:
Don’t tell me, “You’ll get over it.” The miscarriage was the death of my child. I will never “get over it.” The pain and grief will eventually lessen, but I will always wonder what my child would have been like. Every should-have-been birthday, and every anniversary of the miscarriage will be a reminder.
Don’t tell me, “You should get pregnant again as soon as possible. That’ll help.” Help what? I need time to grieve the baby I have lost. I can’t even begin to think about getting pregnant again at this time.
Don’t tell me, “It won’t happen again. The next time will be fine.” Again, how do you know? My second pregnancy ended in miscarriage also, even after doctors said there was no reason it wouldn’t be successful the second time around.
INSTEAD:
Do listen to me when I want, or need, to talk about what I am going through.
Do be sensitive to the fact that I probably won’t want to hear about your pregnant friend, neighbor, cousin, or daughter. I won’t want to hear about your new grandchildren or nieces and nephews for a while.
Do give me time to grieve. Some days I may need your shoulder to cry on after everyone else thinks I should be “okay” by now.
Do understand that there are “milestone days,” such as the expected due date of the time I should have felt the first kick, when I will be feeling the loss as deeply as when the miscarriage occurred. I will need your support then.
Lastly, Concerning Miscarriage:
The following is an article that is written by Francesca Di Meglio. In it Francesca covers “how to get through a miscarriage and perhaps come out with a stronger marriage.” She also covers, in his article, the issues of “telling others” and “meeting basic needs.” And then lastly this article deals with “whether to try again.” To learn more read:
• HOW TO DEAL WITH A MISCARRIAGE IN YOUR MARRIAGE
As you deal with miscarriage in your marriage:
“May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you a spirit of unity among yourselves as you follow Christ Jesus, so that with one heart and mouth you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ!” (Romans 15:5-6)
“May the Lord of peace Himself give you peace at all times in every way. The Lord be with you.” (2 Thessalonians 3:16)
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.
If you have additional tips you can share to help others, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
Filed under: Childrens Effect on Marriage
(ZIMBABWE) This article resonated with me so much because I too have had to deal with 3 miscarriages as well as secondary infertility for the last five years. I live in a culture where children are of paramount importance in a marriage, so imagine how tough it is having to deal with this every single day! God has blessed me with a loving kind and wonderful hubby but I sometimes feel like I have failed him as a wife. Only my faith in God keeps me going.
The pain of waiting on God and watching him bless other people who got married after me gets to me. So many times I have questioned myself, why me? Did I do something wrong? What should I do? Is God hearing me when I pray? I feel alone. The loneliness just gets to me.
Maybe there are other women like me out there with testimonies of how in the midst of this pain, they have had their miracle babies or have found comfort somehow in dealing with their situation. It would be nice to hear and share so that I also can continue to keep hope alive. Tatenda 27
(UNITED STATES) Hi my name is Woodly, married for 2 years now. My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for over a 1 year now and like you I am from Haiti and having children are of paramount importance but living in the US help take that burden off. December 9th 2011 it was confirmed that I was 4 weeks pregnant and between Monday-Thursday I had a miscarriage.
I was devastated, I started questioning why me? What did I do? etc. I cried day and night and I prayed; I slowly died inside. Then I remembered Job when God took everything from him and he stood and said the Lord gives, and the Lord takes and may his name be glorified. I found myself weeping on Gods shoulders, I found myself saying the same words Job said “The Lord gives and he takes let his name be glorified”. On Thursday I had an appointment with my doctor. I went in my closet pick out the prettiest dress, took a shower put some makeup on and I went to the clinic with my head held high.
I said I will not walk head down before Satan, I am a child of the all mighty; Satan must walk head down before me. We do not understand why God does the things he does, but we know he has a plan and his plans are always good. You have 3 wonderful angels in heaven and one day you will see them, trust me you will.
Let this be your testimony for other woman; use it for your ministry. God will give you babies when the time is right. Remember Hannah could not have children but she prayed and God answered her, and Samuel became a powerful man a prophet for God. You never know the next baby God gives you may be the president of your country or a man who will go around the world and save many souls. Either way, God has a plan for you and the children he will give you. God will continue to bless you and your husband. Dear God I pray for this woman that you will bless her womb in the name of Jesus. Be strong my sister.
I just want to say thank you for this message. It’s my favorite, so much that I’m going to save this site just to read it when i feel like I’m walking towards Satan with my head down. It’s a month and a week since my miscarriage of my first baby. I’ve been out of my mind since it happened. I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. This really helped. Thank you. God bless you.
I lost my first baby to stillbirth at 5 1/2 months pregnant. She was my first child, due on June 11 2016. I delivered her March 10, 2016. I am so devastated. I have no one. My husband isn’t grieving. People act like it was nothing. My husband and I prayed for this child, I am crushed. I have a hard time wanting to go back to work. I just want my baby back. My husband just says we will have another one.
Jessica, I am praying for you. I lost my first child, a son at nine months pregnant, to stillbirth.
This happened in 1980, 36 years ago. It still crushes my heart. I went on to have one daughter, who is now a college professor. She is married with one child, my granddaughter.
It is a lifelong pain. I wanted my baby back also. I went to his grave every day. You’re the third person this week that I heard of that has recently suffered a stillbirth and I grieve deeply with all of you. I will be thinking of you on June 11th. We will see them again!
(USA) My wife and had a still born son 30 years ago. At the time I felt it was very important for me not to show any emotion or weakness at that time. I never "dealt" with it at that time. Now 30 years later I finally apologized to my wife for being so cold and unconcerned. She told me that she felt that it was a non-issue for me and she felt alone and abandoned. That is exactly how I dealt with it –by not dealing with it. It has taken 30 years to resolve this between us. I am glad we have finally done so.
(USA) Rob, I am going through that now. My husband and I lost a child in March 2009. He is the same, cold and unconcerned. On top of that, his sister lost a child and he wants to go mourn. I hope he too can resolve this within himself. We have a beautiful 15 year old daughter. She is wonderful and keeps us busy. But I just want the comfort and not the cold, stiff arm I’m receiving.
Hi there, I’m from New Zealand and my wife and I lost a twin baby 4 yrs ago. Now I’ve been doing exactly what you did and now its all blown up in my face. I thought I was doing the right thing by not talking about things, as not to upset her, but now she resents me, and even hates me. I have no idea where to go from here. It’s looking like we will end up getting a divorce over this. I’m sorry to vent. I just read your comment and knew exactly where you were coming from.
(USA) I gave birth to a stillborn little girl, Abigail, on Thanksgiving Day. I cannot describe the pain – emotional pain. I truly don’t know how to deal with it. I am not angry with God, but I am with myself and Satan. I did not care for myself like I did with my first child, assuming all would be okay. This marks my third pregnancy in 3 years with one success. So for him I am thankful.
The thought of having more children does not erase how crazy it was to see my dead child after carrying her for 5 months. I cry randomly. I have to face co-workers who visibly saw I was pregnant and tomorrow I go to work with an empty womb. I walked around as a living tomb for two weeks as I decided what to do.
I am also angry at my doctor who told several lies, was neglectful in my care and yelled at me the day I was to be induced to the point where I was in tears. My husband came to the hospital and told me to take the IV out of my arm. I was already cramping, so I walked the streets in pain until I made it to an emergency room at another hospital. I wish I had words of encouragement for someone else- I usually do. But for now, i just need to vent, or maybe it’s just grieving.
(USA) I am praying for you, anonymous. I don’t know any other way to help you ease your pain but to uphold you in my prayers.
Human as we are, you have the right to feel what you feel right now. It’s a process. God loves you and His great plans surpasses our human understanding. In time, He will reveal His glory to you through this pain….
(USA) Dear Anonymous, We join hands with Belle in praying for you. The pain, emptiness and confusion you are experiencing must be more difficult for you than any of us could ever imagine, I’m sure. Please know that you are being supported in prayer and love. I hope you will allow yourself the time and freedom and grace to grieve as you should.
Who knows the outcome of all of this if you had done things any differently? You may surmise, but the fact is that you did what you did with the information you had at the time. We can always look back and think, “If I had just done this instead of that… things might have been different.” But we aren’t given that insight ahead of time. All we can do is ask God to help us to learn from the past and go forward the best way we can in the future with this knowledge at hand.
I hope you will embrace and lean into God’s grace and healing. Please know that you are being prayed for and are loved by many — especially God.
(CANADA) I had a partial miscarriage back in October 2008, I finished it at the end of December. My husband didn’t come to any of my appointments nor did he seem to feel anything. We are newly weds (got married July 2008) and we seem to be falling apart. I really just want to give up. I feel like I changed for the better, and he changed into a mean, insensitive, uncaring man.
(TURKEY) Thanks for great post. I love the colorful quality of this.
(USA) My wife and I miscarried twins 4 years ago. I tried to be strong for her. We had another baby since then, a son. Yesterday he turned 3.
She was in so much pain (after losing the twins), and so was I; I was dying inside. I didn’t know how to help her. And to top it off my sister came to visit a few weeks after our kids, Brianna Mae and Brody Mason were taken from us. After a while she stopped crying. I did too. We never talked about it.
It’s been 4 years and just this weekend we split up, I’m living with my mom. We have a lot of problems, but the only one we can’t solve is this one. I acted like a man, to be strong for my wife and our older son (now 11). It seems this was my undoing. She can’t forgive me for not crying enough then, and it’s destroying our family now.
(USA) Hi Eddie, I’m so sorry for the pain you and your wife are experiencing and the way it has worked a wedge between you. How tragic! But I encourage you to find a way to lead your wife to the articles that are posted on this web site (and the linked articles, as well as your own comments that are posted) to try to open up a dialog of better understanding. It would be a good starting point.
Right now your wife may tell you that there are other issues involved as well, and that may well be true, but this would be a good place to start to discuss issues that are separating the both of you. You have two children and a history together where you share pain as well as laughter (even though the laughter was more in the past), that beg you to keep trying to bridge your differences.
It’s difficult for women to understand the different approach that (most) men take when tragedy hits. As a result, women think the men are less sensitive than they feel they can cope living with. I know… I’ve been there and have been caught up in that confusion myself. Many, many women are trapped in that maze as well. But if we can just work with our differences rather than try to make each other like our own gender, it’s amazing how our differences can actually work FOR our relationship, rather than against it.
After reading these articles, it would be good for both of you to visit the “Gender Differences” section of this web site and read what is available. It may help you to build more bridges in the future as you work to make your marriage the best it can be. I pray your wife will be open to doing this.
It would be horrible to take the memory of these precious babies, and allow your partnership to split apart. How much better it would be to take the memory of these children, and honor them by holding them in your hearts together, and grow closer with your shared history and the love you have for your other children. They don’t deserve to be victims of this tragedy. They are the silent victims that need to be considered and loved as well. I pray the Lord will guide you both and bring you hope and help.
(USA) Eddie, I was so very sorry to read your story. My heart hurts for you and your wife. Losing children is so very hard to deal with. I would encourage you to continue to love your wife. Continue to sacrifice for her. Continue to show her love. DO NOT GIVE UP ON HER. Healing doesn’t come in certain time frames, but it CAN come. I think it would be good for your wife to know that you, too, were hurting and you still are. I will keep you and your family in prayer.
(USA) Hi, I just had my fourth miscarriage two weeks ago. God had blessed me with two healthy children. This last miscarriage was a major test for me and my marriage. My husband, which I love so much, showed no emotions and didn’t even try to comfort me. I understand man show their emotions different, but it really hurt me on how he didn’t show any emotions. I remember our first miscarriage he was very supportive.
The main thing that keeps me going and supporting me is my great love for God. I count the blessing and pray for him to continue to guide me to the right path and bring love to my husband’s heart for me. Having a miscarriage shouldn’t be the end of a marriage. I know deep inside that my husband loves me and our children.
(NEWCASTLE UPON TYME) Hi, my name is Celia. I have just had my second miscarriage in two months. I am finding it really hard to cope with the first miscarriage. I was 4 weeks pregnant and I knew my husband loved me very much but he didn’t show any emotions. He was always working and busy and not very helpful so we decided to take a break for a couple of weeks to sort ourselves out. When I came back a few weeks later I found out I was pregnant again about 2 weeks. A week ago now, I had another miscarriage at just 3 weeks. This was a test of our marriage and he was really supportive. This has shown me that this time he understood what I was going through and showed his feelings and the way he felt about all of this.
(USA) Dearest Celia, Our hearts cry with you over the loss you have experienced by not being able to hold these precious children in your arms. Although they were taken from you so prematurely, we know you will forever hold them in your heart. How glad we are that your husband found ways to show you that he understands so that together you can be more supportive of one another!
It’s terrible to suffer loss like this, but to allow it to distance you and your marriage partner, makes things even more difficult. We stand behind both of you in prayer that God will bring your smile back and that you will experience God’s love and comfort through the pain and loss.
“I pray that out of His glorious riches He may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being” (Ephesians 3:16).
(USA) WE LOST OUR BABY IN APRIL OF THIS YEAR. IT WOULD HAVE BEEN OUR FIRST. IT’S DRIVING US BOTH INSANE. WE DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO. WE NEED HELP AND WE NEED HELP FAST. IT IS AFFECTING US BOTH MENTALLY. CAN SOMEONE GIVE ME SOME ADVICE?
(USA) Dearest Charity, I’m SO sorry for the painful time you are going through in losing your precious baby. It’s very understandable why you would go through a deep time of grieving after suffering such a loss! And please know that it’s not that unusual to feel like you are going “insane” as you try to find a new “normal” again and deal with the many questions and changes and lost dreams and range of emotions that go into the grieving process. You never got the opportunity to enjoy this child in your arms and get to know him or her to the degree that you longed to do. And this didn’t happen all that long ago, so the wound you experienced in your child’s death is still pretty new.
As for “advice” — it’s difficult to give too much of this because every person goes through the grieving process differently. What works for one person, and one couple, may not work for you. I encourage you to keep seeking the help you need.
But there are a couple of things that seem pretty universal in grieving. And one of them is to allow yourselves the grace to grieve in your own ways without judgement from either of you. Some people grieve quieter and others are more vocal. Some are private and others aren’t. Some “seem” to get through this a bit (or a lot) “faster” than others, etc… Please, I encourage you to each give each other the grace and space that is needed to deal with this in the way you need to do, without judgement from the other spouse.
Make a pact to honor your child, not to allow this to destroy your relationship. It’s important to be intentional in this aspect of your married life. If you aren’t, the enemy of our faith will use it to pry open the cracks to divide you further and further apart. There is a difference between giving “grace and space” and ignoring and distancing yourselves apart over the long run and forgetting that you are to be marriage PARTNERS and not adversaries.
The additional links to the articles will help you with some of the specifics that you may need to do, to weather this very debilitating storm that is railing against your married life. Please love this child enough to continue to look for ways to express love to each other. You can’t honor the memory and dreams of your child more than that.
This child will always be in your heart and memory. Time will not erase that. But prayerfully, as a marital team who determines to do all you can to help each other, the sting will gradually lessen and you will have those memories and heart-tugs together, rather than apart. May the “God of all comfort” enfold you with His love and bring you comfort as you work through your grief! I am praying for you, and care.
(USA) I lost my baby in a misscarriage Feb 1, 2007. We have two living children, but reading the other post I can still remember all the pain and hurt. I was wondering if anyone had any support or was directed towards any resources or support groups after their loss? My Dr provided me with nothing, but the phrase it happens. I always thought that especially as Christians we should have some type of brochure at the Dr offices for grieving families with websites to help.
(USA) Dear Leah, My heart breaks with yours over the loss of your child. This must be such a heartbreak for you! Please know my heart and prayers are with you that God will continue to comfort you and bring you peace.
In answer to your question about resources given by doctors when a baby is miscarried, all I can say is that some do and some don’t give out information and tell their patients of support groups they can join. I’m not sure why this is so, but I’m sure it makes the loss of a child even more painful when additional help is not given (beyond medical help).
But I want you to know that besides the article above, as well as the linked articles within it, we have some web site links to other ministries that you might want to go to, in the hopes that you can see if you will be ministered to there. You can find them in the “Children’s Effects on Marriage Links and Resource Descriptions” section of this web site. There are quite a few links provided. I pray you can find a good support system through them that will help you during this very difficult time in your life. May God help you and bring healing to your heart!