“How can married Christians, deal graciously with problematic siblings and sibling in laws?”
That is the question we’d like to address.
Each year, we receive quite a few emails, sent to us from those who are married. Many of them are encountering difficulties in dealing with sibling in laws. The same is true of those with interfering sisters and brothers. Most of these siblings are very demanding, and mean-spirited. They can also be vindictive in how they act towards the spouse of their sibling and cause trouble.
Others stay to visit too long so the spouse feels imposed upon and worn out.
Other siblings expect financial support from their older male sibling. They expect him to physically help them repeatedly at the sacrifice of his own family.
Spouse VS. In Law Siblings
In each case the one spouse is “at odds” with the other spouse because of the bond that siblings have had with each other through the years.
To help you with this issue, we found a few online articles that may give you some insight. We encourage you to pray and glean through the information —applying what you can use and disregarding the rest. Please click onto the links provided below to read.
Posted on the web site of the ministry of Todayschristianwoman.com:
According to an article posted on Todayschristianwoman.com, “He said, ‘She wouldn’t let me be myself.’ She said ‘He didn’t fit in with my family.'”:
• IN LAW CONFLICT: He Said … She Said
From the ministry of Focus on the Family here is some advice to consider when you spend time together in family gatherings and holiday situations:
— ALSO —
Video Regarding Dealing With Siblings
And here’s a New Life Ministries Youtube video you might find helpful. It deals with this subject where Dr Steve Arterburn, Dr Jill Hubbard, and Rev. Milan Yerkovich answer the question, “How do we handle a controlling sister in law who thinks she’s mom”:
Scriptural Reminder
When you have to deal in-law and sibling issues, bear in mind what is written to us in the Bible in 1 Peter 3:8-17:
“All of you are to be like-minded, sympathetic, love one another, and be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing. For, ‘Whoever would love life and see good days must keep their tongue from evil and their lips from deceitful speech. They must turn from evil and do good; they must seek peace and pursue it. For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their prayer,but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil.’
“Who is going to harm you if you are eager to do good? But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed. ‘Do not fear their threats; do not be frightened.’ But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander. For it is better, if it is God’s will, to suffer for doing good than for doing evil.“
We welcome any wise, Biblically based advice you could give to help those who are having marital problems because of sibling in laws or extended family members. If you have additional tips you can share to help others, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
Filed under: Dealing with In Laws & Parents
(SOUTH AFRICA) I have a very broken relationship with my mother in law. My mother died 14 years ago. When I got married i told myself that I would treat my mother in law the way I would like my mother to be treated. I am married to her only son. My mother in law is very cruel to me.
One of the incidents that happened was last year when I had my baby through Caesarean birth. Unfortunately, I had internal bleeding and had to go back to have another surgery while my baby was three weeks old. I asked her to come and look after the baby. She refused but when her son called her she came the following day withought even saying a word to me.
A day before the operation she came to my room and told me that she is leaving my house since her husband has flu. I did not know what to do but called my 93 years old grandmother to come to look after the baby. The day she left I was already in hospital operated on, but she never came and visited, not to mention to call me or anything.
She bad mouths me every opportunity she gets. I have decided to keep my distance and not call as well. Every time I think about the way she treats me I cry and pray that God will help me to forgive, but I feel like it is taking much longer for me to forgive her. I have explained to my husband about this and the worse part is that he is not even doing anything about it.
Currently she and my husband are building a room in her home and I am not even involved in that. Sometimes I do wonder if my husband loves me because I believe that I should come first, as his wife. Now we want to sell a house, and he wants to sell it to her sister. I do not have a problem if that can be done under any normal transaction but he wants to sell it at a lower value and we need money as well, since we will be moving to the new house.
I am very confused. I have thought of divorce several times because sometimes I feel like my husband also provides an opportunity for my in laws not to respect me. The way things are I even avoid going to see my in laws and this is not how I pictured my life. I just hope that somehow I will find a solution to this.
(USA) I have been married for ten years and I have kept quiet until this year. My sister in law and her husband are in debt and are losing everything. They are still together but are living in different houses. He is living with his father and she is living with her mom and dad, my mother and father in laws.
My mother and father in law are babying my sister in law and I refuse to hold my tongue anymore. I have hurt their feelings but I believe if he was a true, loving husband to her he would find any job that would support them. So I said so and mother in law, as well as my wife, have called me down on it several times. It is beginning to show in my own marriage. Does anyone have any advice?
(USA) My in laws have caused me problems since the first time I met them. They ruined our engagement day and we never had a wedding ceremony because my husband’s parents disinvited themselves to our wedding because we refused to sign paperwork to sponsor his sister’s husband from another country. His sister’s wedding was his mother’s set up for money she collected.
May she rest in peace, cuz she passed away recently, and I attended all and every single funeral ritual service and Buddhist ceremonies out of respect. But his brother in law and sister in law never have given me so much of a thanks for our support. We even paid lots of money for her services and that family owes me money.
They don’t consider my family so now I don’t see them as family. I am more than a decade older than all of them but they treat me like I am their age, and whenever I tell my husband, he says he knows but doesn’t do anything about it. One time he said something but then they just seemed to distance themselves even more like I was a disease.
I have showered his niece and nephew with love putting aside our issues once they were born 2 years ago. But recently, when my husband and I fought, he would run off to his siblings house. They live 2 hours away, and not come home every time we fight. His siblings didn’t send him home to me. They invited him over as if it was a holiday or something.
In anger, I spoke some harsh words but apologized for it within the hour blaming it on my stupid rage. They told me off and I have never since heard from them again. My husband and his siblings do not see that I am his family now being his wife. I blame myself for being childless but I wish my husband could wake up to see how he betrays me after all that I have suffered through and not run to his younger naive biological siblings who just encourage him to do nothing good for our marriage. So betrayed and lonely, and not sure if our marriage will last because instead of being number one, I am number 9 on his list of loyalty.
(USA) I’ve been with my husband for four years all together but married for only one. At first, I loved my in laws but soon after I married my husband, I guess it wasn’t so important to impress me anymore. His parents are always in my marriage business, which puts tons of stress on us because I need space very much.
My husband is a “mama’s boy” so he doesn’t understand why it upsets me. We also have a one year old son and they feel as if they can take him and do what ever they please. Even as a newborn, they would try to wake him to spend time with him. We have moved in with them a few months before we married, which is a huge mistake but I can’t motivate my husband to move out to a house.
Also, lately his 15 year old sister has been very disrespectful to me. I understand we only have 6 years apart but she’s just very rude and “catty.” She tries breaking my stuff, wasting my bath products, and stealing my clothes (that are too small for her). If I complain to my husband and try to get him to talk to her or his parents, she breaks my son’s stuff. I think there is something mentally wrong that she has the need to pick on a small child.
My husband is hispanic and it seems that when something is wrong, a girl is not supposed to complain (or at least his family). Also, the parents are always trying to have my husband tell my mom that they need to complain about me. For example, I don’t eat enough or I’m too protective over my son. My mom’s gotten to the point where she dreads to even talk to them. Its been a stressful year, so please give some advice!
(USA) I have been married for 5 months, and both my and my husband’s parents live in the same town. My father in law is also our pastor. His family is super, super close and are super intense about tradition (his sister cried when they had to throw out old Christmas decorations once).
This Thanksgiving was good because my family wasn’t celebrating due to other circumstances, so we spent it with his family and it was great. But I don’t know what to do about Christmas. I really want to spend it with my family, but I know he will resent me or his family will throw a fit if he’s not there for everything. Also, they won’t let us be our own family now that we’re married. They were decorating for Christmas, and I wanted to grab his stocking to take to our house, but his sister said I couldn’t. I didn’t even ask her, she just jumped in. I thought it was very rude.
They expect him to stay the night Christmas Eve even though we live 20 minutes away. They want him there even if I’m not. I feel like they won’t let him cleave to me as his wife and I should be his first priority now but I’m not. His little brother is also super clingy and calls him everyday and always wants to hang out with him when he has time off work, so my husband and I never get to do anything together.
He never ever does anything sweet or special for me. I feel like everything will be better when we move away next year, but right now I feel like I’m not getting the respect or attention I deserve as his wife. I’m considering just distancing myself from him and spending Christmas separately, but I don’t want our relationship to get any worse than it already is. What should I do?
(USA) My husband and I have been married almost 30 years. I find it most hurtful that his family is always excluding spouses in family matters. Recently my father in law took ill and eventually died and that wedge to block spouses entered the picture once again. They went so far as to look down their noses to me and shout “this is a family matter”. This superior dictatorship is most abrasive.
My husband ignores me when this happens and shuts me out. I was brought up to be supportive during heartache, conflict and pain so I get very hurt when my spouse family acts this way. Seems to me that all the spouses can’t be considered when actually it would be beneficial. My spouse’s family goes to the extreme of printing out an agenda of points to discuss, pass out pencils and conduct a board of directors meeting or a meeting of the minds so to speak. Is this normal?
My family designated the eldest in the family on matters and in open conversation, matters were presented to the entire family to discuss. Many problems were resolved around the dinner table or on the back porch with refreshments. Hugs, kisses and approval usually followed and all family members were together and bonding. I think creating barriers causes deep hurt feelings, especially when someone passes away and emptiness already exists. I would think it would be a time to bond and give strength to each other.
Please comment because maybe I’m living in a bubble, like my husband suggested and I’m all wet…
I’ve been married to my husband for many years as well and his family sounds much like yours. I defer to them on most of the financial and health issues of their parents. I also remind them when they try to shut me out that I also love their parents. My mother and father in law love me, as well, but I don’t point that out because it may cause jealousy.
My sisters and brothers in law, who don’t live in the same area as their parents and my husband and I, may not be aware of the close bond we’ve built over the years so I try to keep that in mind. I know that I’m not their child and as much as I love them, their children come first.
If you have children of your own, when you’re sick or injured, is your child more welcome at the bedside than their spouse even if you love that spouse? I ask because I do love my child’s spouse, but my child is more comforting to me when I’m in that situation. I hope this may help you is some way.
OK…as I was reading through your post (which I am not quite sure you would see my response), one thing keeps crossing my mind in the issue of boundaries.
In this case, if the father has died, it seems to be to be perfectly reasonable that only the “children” and your mother in law should be making the decisions regarding the arrangement. If they include you, great, if they chose not, it is within their right to do so, nothing wrong with that.
And if your own family chooses to do things differently by always involving the in-laws, that is your choice, but it doesn’t mean your husband’s family should forfeit their right if they don’t want to.
I think you are overstepping the boundaries here by thinking you have the right to be a participant in those decisions just because you are married to your husband….
As for your husband not reaching out to you during this difficult time, well, I can see why you are upset, but I think that is a separate issue; that is between you and your husband to sort out. It has nothing to do with their decision to not include you, in what is essentially, a private family matter.
Honestly not respecting boundaries is a big issue in all family dynamics; we cant and shouldn’t take responsibility for what others do wrong, but it is always helpful to examine ourselves and try to take responsibility for our part.
finally, love is about acting in the best interest of the other person, respecting boundaries and be fair is part of it.
you may want to have what you considers to be an ideal family in your in laws, but honestly, true love is not about getting what you want at the expenses of other people, this is something we all in the process of learning
When a man marries his wife, does the Bible not say: Matthew 19:4-6 “He answered, ‘Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female,’ and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”
The husband should include his wife, and it is her concern especially since it could potentially effect the man and wife in someway. You are acting like what goes on within the family, is nobody else’s business. The husband and wife deserve to be as one, and the selfishness and control issues with the rest of the family is an abomination against what the Lord, God defined…for that very reason.
(SOUTH AFRICA) My biggest problem is my brother in law. He is 31 & we still very young only 28, same age. He is staying with us indirectley & my husband does know about the stay but he never explains anything to me. He’s like the second wife to him. If he is around he does the shopping & everything with him as if I’m not available & I’m his second choice. That’s only if his brother doesn’t want to go, then I’m the second best.
I feel as if I will just keep my mouth shut & look, but it hurts so bad, & the worst part is that his brother is washing his clothes almost every day. In this costly life, the soap doesn’t even last for the whole month. I mean really, I’ve got 2 sons & am expecting the third born. How am I going to manage?
If he cooks then he cooks whatever it is that he’s cooking, then finishes it. Then when we come back from work we must start from scratch. He is in the house the whole day & hes not working. That’s the worst part. We are always happy when we don’t have anyone living with us. But once his siblings come, things change from good to bad. They are always right & I’m wrong. If I say anything… I sometimes become hopeless with our relationship. How must I solve this? How do I deal with this?
(USA) My sister is 15 years younger than me. I was so happy when she was born and we were close until I became an adult and she became a teenager. I had moved away from home. I believe what happened is that my father talked about me in a dishonorable way. He loved me when I was home but when I got married, he started taking it upon himself to discuss what I did wrong. He discussed this with everyone and they believed him.
I found out 40 years later after his death how this had changed their mind about me. I thought if it was not true that it would be okay but today, they believe what he said was correct. I believe this has caused problems with most of my siblings and especially my sister and brother.
My father came from an abusive family where his father drank and ran the family away from home. He always felt he had a right to do that also. The only problems is my mother came from a family where women had rights so it did not go over well. She would fight back. Things calmed down as we grew up but he always talked about people and what he thought they should do.
How can I correct the problems with my sister and brother after they have had this in their mind for so long? Should I just leave the family and move to another location or should I try to make amends? I have a family now and do not want this to be a part of our family. Please give me advice on how to handle the stress between my sister and myself.
(U.S.) My situation is not as bad as most of the people posting on here, but I don’t know what to do. My husband and I have been married for a little over a year now, but have been together for over five years. I knew they were close, especially after their parents got divorced, but I am just starting to realize how much they depend on each other.
A couple of months ago my sister-in-law made a comment that her and my husband would always be closer than my husband and I, and that she will always come first. I didn’t tell my husband that because I knew he would take up for her. On our anniversary we went out to dinner. He was texting/talking to her the ENTIRE time. I had tried to confront him about it, but he just blew it off. I know it’s not that big of deal, but it hurt me and he never understood why.
My sister-in-law has never had to pay for her own bills. She recently just got divorced. I guess her husband was paying for pretty much everything, including her truck payment. She admitted to my husband that she had to borrow money from their dad because she had gotten into a bind. Later that week my husband attempted to wire her money, I know because he asked me how to set up online banking, and he was being secreative. The next day we had to stop by an atm and he got out a large amount of cash and stuffed it into his wallet. He will not tell me he gave her money. I don’t know if this is a one time thing, or how much he’s done it or going to do it.
I love her, she’s my sister-in-law. I feel bad thinking I should come before his family, but that is how I was raised. God, then children and spouse, then family and friends. How can I know that when the time comes and my husband and I have children, he will put us before her?
(USA) Honey, I think your problem IS as bad as the rest of us. SIL says she is number one??? Who even has the nerve to say such a thing. And your husband texting her on your night out with him? I pray for you that things get better.
You need to decide how to handle this unhealthy situation before it continues and ruins your marriage. Your husband needs to read and understand his marriage commitment and you should be first. You are his wife. Even though family is important, ignoring you, and it now sounds as if he’s lying to you, will only get worse. You need to speak to a religious person whom you both respect, and ask for support. If he loves and respects you, talking on his cell while trying to have an romantic dinner is sending bad signals. I know it sounds scary, but you need to have a serious talk with him and see if he changes his ways. If not, then you need to think if this is the life you want to live with a man who’s treating you 2nd best. Good luck.
(UNITED STATES) I’m having a problem with my sister in law (husband’s brother’s wife). She shouted at me on a social networking site for all my friends to see. A friend jumped in and commented to her, sticking up for me, and the problem just got worse. My sis in law, in her mind, thinks I “let” my friend insult her & I was completely unaware to what transpired until the next day.
I called her a coward which I know, that was not appropriate cause now I’m being held accountable. And keep in mind I am a Christian woman, but I was hurt that she did not apologize like my friend who stuck up for me requested her to do. I thought things would just move on.
A few days later, the SIL emailed me and I apologized. Yet it wasn’t enough because I used a negative word in that email. One of the hundred family birthday parties is coming up in two weeks. I know my SIL has bitterness towards me because I did NOT stick up for her and “allowed” everything to happen. Is it safe for me to go to this birthday after all that’s happened? Or would it be better to just avoid problems and not show up to the birthday party? Advice is greatly appreciated.
(AUSTRALIAN) I am the in law in this conversation. My younger sister is about to get married, and on some level I am very, very happy for her. But, we have been so close for so many years, that I am finding the whole thing really really difficult to deal with. We are only 18 months apart, both in our late 30’s. I am single and have never had a serious relationship. Neither had she before her current fiancé.
Neither of us had ever brought a boyfriend home or introduced one to each other. We have been sisters, flatmates and best friends. She and I have been everything to each other up until now, but now I feel incredibly sidelined. She is doing things with her partner that I have been trying to get her to do for years, like going to sporting events, but she always refused saying she wasn’t interested. Apparently though, if he’s interested, she’s willing to try it out.
I can’t get used to being number 2 in her life. I don’t have anyone else, so it’s very very difficult for me. Please bear that in mind when you’re making sweeping statements about ‘family first, extended family second’. As far as I am concerned, she is my family. I have known her for her whole life. She is the person I am most closely related to. He isn’t.
So for all of you who are resentful of your spouse’s sibling, remember that they may have a very, very close, longstanding and existing relationship. And for those of you who are in the position of juggling partner and sibling, I know it’s hard, but please remember that you’re in the position of having at least two people vying for your love and attention and both have needs…
(USA) I’ve been in both shoes. When my older sister married years ago I knew I lost her and I cried and cried. She told me get over it; I’m getting married now, you should be happy for me. But I liked her ex boyfriend and never clicked with her husband. I already knew what would happen once they got married, that I would be largely forgotten. That’s why I was so sad. And it did happen. I hardly got to see my sister anymore though she lived in the same town. She hardly invited me over or wanted to go shopping with me anything. I feel you, it’s very devastating. And also at the time I was single and she meant a lot to me.
Now I am in the situation where my husband’s sister never accepted me and ignores me and tries to take my husband’s attention non stop. And I’m in this stressful situation.
Both situations are not easy but after getting married and having these SIL issues I did realize that part of the problem with my BIL was that I didn’t give him enough of a chance. I didn’t accept or understand like I do now that once my sister got married her kids and husband were number one. I still don’t like my BIL on a personal level; we just don’t click, but I recognize that he’s a good father and a good husband and the way things are between me and my sister, that’s what she chose. The only reason now she calls me and invites me over is that I am a good aunt to their kids. She still never has time to do something one on one with me, its just auntie coming over.
I guess my point is it is really, really hard but you have to accept it. You may go through some grieving feelings like I did. But after getting married myself, I see how important it is to make your spouse #1. There are so many stressors in a marriage. I see my part putting pressure on my sister when she got married. I wouldn’t want her marriage to be unhappy or unsuccessful. Who knows? The next guy could be worse, and BIL is a good father and husband though he’s been rude to me and controlling of my sister’s time. But at the same time she chose it that way.
I actually can appreciate in a way the way my sister took her husband’s side over me because I wish my husband would do the same when it comes to his sister. And I didn’t do half the stressful things to them as a couple as my SIL has done. Be strong. You too will get married some day and have a clearer understanding of this then.
(USA) Well, basically my mother came to stay with my wife and I, from overseas. Her main goal of her visit was to rescue my younger brother from an alcohol abuse issue that he has been dealing with for a long time. His situation got so bad that he was evicted from his place and had to be admitted in a hospital for damage caused to his organs from alcohol abuse.
Upon his release from the hospital my mother took it upon herself to bring my brother to stay with us. We live in a small two bedroom apt that is really not designed to hold all of us without having my private space with my wife. Now that my brother is doing much better and 40 days of sobriety, I do not see him trying to get a job or doing anything to getting out of here. I am hoping for them to leave my house asap. But I don’t see a quick way out of this. I get very stressed out and urge them to hurry and get a job and go on with their lives and out of mine. My mother does not want to agree with me and says I have no compassion. I know I have to be more understanding but my skin crawls everytime they see in and out of the guest room at all hours of the day.
I never thought my relationship with my mother would come to almost a point of being enemies. Having disdain for my brother for bringing our family to this point because of his negligence and abuse, and my poor wife having to put up with them. I deep down love my family but I just can’t stand them and feel a lot of anger toward them.
Araflo, You really need to take control of your home again. Your mother had and has her choices as to how to run her own home. And now that you are married, you have yours. You are not without “compassion” if you make the decision to return your apartment to a place of peace. Don’t allow yourself to be manipulated like that. Be your wife’s hero and the protector of the sanctity of your home. If you allow your brother and mother to keep living there, you are enabling poor behavior. What would motivate your brother to build a life of his own that is healthy, without you and your wife babysitting him, if you don’t stir the nest a bit (so it is uncomfortable)? If you allow this to continue, it could be a life-long dependency. THAT is less compassionate than causing him to grow up and take responsibility for himself.
If your mother wants him to live with someone, then she should take him back to her home or find a place elsewhere for the two of them to live. That would be her choice. And where’s her compassion? If she makes the choice to keep babysitting your brother, then let her do that. Your choice is to live with your wife “in a considerate way,” as the Bible tells husbands to do, and make your home a haven for you and your wife –with them VISITING sometimes, but not living with you. This will take some real manning up on your part, for you to take control like this.
I would give them a time limit deadline. Certainly, 3-4 months (giving an end date) is plenty of time for him to find a job and save up for a place of his own… or his mom can move in with him and help out there (if she wants to keep enabling him like that). I have no doubt that you will be told you are heartless and such, but please don’t be blackmailed into helping your brother live a dysfunctional lifestyle. It is HIS choice to live into adulthood in a dysfunctional way. You helped him. Now it is time for him to help himself (or for your mother to keep babysitting him, without your participation.) And make sure as the date comes closer, you remind them, so there is no misunderstanding. You may even have to exhibit tough love and MAKE your brother leave –which I hope it doesn’t come to that, but be ready for it “in case.”
A number of years back, we had to “stir the nest” with one of our sons. He was no longer in college and was living a prodigal lifestyle in our home. We couldn’t allow him to come in and out, as he pleased, disrupting the peace of our home –ESPECIALLY knowing that what he was doing some of the time was not what we wanted to live with –it went against our Christian values. We made the hard choice. My husband and I prayed together, decided upon a date, and even decided to help set him up in an apartment (getting used furniture for him and such). And then we told our son. It was one of the hardest things we ever had to do. He looked upon us as if we were betraying him. He ranted and raved and was SO angry. It literally broke our hearts. But we held our ground, as we knew it was best for all of us. We loved him, but we couldn’t enable him to continue living in such an unhealthy way.
After the first week or so (he didn’t talk to us for a while and was VERY cool towards us for a long time), he started to settle down and I helped him look for an apartment. He eventually got a bit excited. When he found a place he liked we helped him settle in (we found friends who had extra furniture and we bought some things at garage sales and thrift stores for him) and he THEN started to be glad about it. We have since talked about how difficult this was for all of us. And we all agree that although it was hard, it was the best thing we could have done. I wish he wouldn’t have put us in that place to do that –it broke my heart. I still feel the ache of that decision. But our God is not an enabler, and we knew He wouldn’t want us to be enablers either.
I realize that you may have cultural ties and relationship issues, which complicate matters. But right is right and enabling unhealthy behavior is wrong –no matter what cultural or interpersonal complications play into it. “Stirring the nest” is not cruel, it’s what has to be done sometimes to cause someone to grow up and take charge of their own life. It’s what mother eagles do when they have chicks who are capable of flying but they don’t want to leave the safety of the nest. When it’s time, the mother moves around the nest in such a way that the hesitant chick is so uncomfortable it finally takes it’s leap out on it’s own. It is then able to fly, as it was created to do.
You can do the same thing as the mother eagle. Put extra rules into place. Make your brother and your mother uncomfortable and maybe even responsible for all or most of the cleaning and cooking and such. Beds have to be made everyday, floor vacuumed everyday, dishes done by them everyday, maybe cooking and shopping for food, so you and your wife can relax. After all, you are providing the home so that’s not too much to ask. You may eat poorly for a while (if they cook), and there may be stress because of the “stirring” you are causing, but the rules are, “if you don’t like it, then find a place of your own where you can make your own rules.” They CANNOT cause extra work for your wife. You make sure of it. Let them be her and your maids. They owe it to you because of the roof you are putting over their heads. And make sure they don’t blame your wife –YOU are the head of the home and this is your determination. And if they don’t like it… they know where the door is.
I encourage you and your wife to go out alone and pray and decide what will work to “stir up the nest.” Make sure it is unreasonable and uncomfortable. And then YOU (with your wife standing behind you) tell them the new rules of the house. You may feel cruel, at first, but think of the goal –you are HELPING them, for their own good. A good book to read first, may be, Boundaries: When to Say YES, When to Say NO, To Take Control of Your Life
because it may help you to have the determination and the verbiage you need, which may empower you to do this. IF you don’t put down healthy boundaries, you will continue living this way, with no end in sight. And then what happens when and if you have children and you have to put down healthy boundaries? NOW is the time to take a stand. You will be stronger, because of this experience. Think and pray about this. Isn’t this what the father of the prodigal son did for his son? And didn’t it come out better for all concerned? Sometimes we have to exhibit tough love, in order to TRULY be someone who “lives a life of love” as the Bible tells us to do.
I love your great, sensible and godly advice! The whole world will sure be much nicer place to live in with people like you as mother, father, siblings, in-laws or “out-laws”. In my last 5 years of marriage, the major issue is never with my husband per se, it’s the BOUNDARIES that his family oversteps!
(NIGERIA) I have a brother in law who has been living with me for the past 1 and half years now. He just came to tear my family apart and my husband does not seem to see anything wrong in his behaviour towards me. Rather, he is taking sides with him because he is his younger brother. I don’t really know how to handle the issue because right now my husband is not talking to me because of his brother and does not want his brother to move out of the house and look for his own accommodation. This is somebody who has been working for about a year and six months now.
(USA) We have had this from siblings on both sides. All of a sudden after my son was born nobody wanted anything to do with him or us. Started any reason to cause problems. Our son does not know his cousins because of the hatefulness in these siblings on both sides. They have all decided to either not come around or have estranged themselves from us altogether.
We have just gone on with our lives. We tried to mend and find out what the problem was. One sibling offered to watch our son but she had her hands full with her own 5 kids so I didn’t think about sending him there because she was so stressed all the time. That seemed to cause conflict. We have tried to find out what was wrong and mend fences but got nothing but hateful mouths and hurt flung our way. So we stopped trying and went on with our lives.
One sibling was so controlling with her kids that they moved away from her, only to see her when they have to. Now they want to contact us and be in our lives again but on their terms. There were issues before with one of them but I thought we had gotten past that point. There is nothing more I can do.
(USA) My husband and I have been married for 2 years. His family has openly stated to me that they don’t like me. I don’t know why there is hostility in the air, but I have been nice to them all and almost ALL of them still don’t like me.
As my husband and I are having our 1st child together, I will not bring my child around his family. Every BIL and SIL in his family has said rude and disrespectful things behind my back. One SIL hates me so much, she got her sister, who’s also married to my husband’s other little brother, to hate me too. These women are so catty, when we go to a family gathering, they will gather every single woman and children around them, and make sure I’m excluded.
I do cry because I never had a sisterly relationship growing up (I grew up with brothers, and I ended up being the only girl.) and I wanted to have a “sisterly bond” but I’ve found that it’s pointless now, but it does hurt that I saw them last week and they all exclude me from everything, including their own children’s lives.
MIL is a psychopath… I cannot get along with her and she’s as worse as the SILs. She favors everyone else’s children and cannot acknowledge the fact that I am having a baby. She also constantly gossips about everyone, I mean EVERYONE, and then acts nice when she sees them. My mother is in another state so I don’t get to see her as often as I would love to.
To this day, I believe there’s nothing I can do to get along with his family as they will always shun me, but they are so welcoming to him with open arms… I’ve told my husband how they’ve treated me and he knows it’s not me. But he seems a lot more happier around them than I would be…
Please stop going to his family events until your husband has a talk with your family to include you. If they don’t want to try to include you, please stop trying to be liked. These people will never change. Spend more energy/effort in visiting with your mom.