It is easy to live in harmony together when your husband is treating you well. But what if you are living with an unlovable husband? What if he’s not acting towards you in ways that you believe he should? How do you treat your husband when he is moody, unloving towards you and is difficult to live with? What do you do then?
Living With an Unlovable Husband
Here’s what Jesus says regarding difficult relationships:
“Love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayers for that person. …If someone takes unfair advantage of you, use the occasion to practice the servant life. No more tit-for-tat stuff. Live generously.
“Here is a simple rule of thumb for your behavior. Ask yourself what you want people to do for you; then grab the initiative and do it for them! If you only love the lovable, do you expect a pat on the back? …I tell you, love your enemies. Help and give without expecting a return. You’ll never —I promise —regret it. Live out this God-created identity the way our Father lives toward us, generously and graciously, even when we’re at our worst. Our Father is kind; you be kind.
“Don’t pick on people, jump on their failures, and criticize their faults —unless, of course, you want the same treatment. Don’t condemn those who are down; that hardness can boomerang. Be easy on people; you’ll find life a lot easier. Give away your life; you’ll find life given back, but not merely given back —given back with bonus and blessing. Giving, not getting, is the way. Generosity begets generosity.” (Luke 6:27-38, The Message)
Walking in the Spirit Even with an Unlovable Husband?
One way you can tell that you are walking in the Spirit in your marriage is to ask: Is my husband’s response my goal, or am I doing this to please the Lord?
God will enable you to be compassionate to someone who doesn’t deserve it, just as He was and is to you.
Ask yourself, “Why is my husband moody and sharp with me?” Often the answer is that you are simply catching the overflow of what happened to him at work, with his parents, or with some other problem. Is this fair? No, but life isn’t always fair. Consider other possibilities as well: Is he stressed about something in particular? Is he fatigued due to extra house he’s putting in at work? Is he going through a difficult time with someone? Ask God to give you understanding and patience during these times and continue to treat your husband lovingly, regardless of how he may be treating you.
Don’t be so sensitive that you let your feelings and emotions be set by another’s treatment of you. Jesus didn’t do that. He continued to live His life with honor, dignity, love, and mercy through the most difficult times. Don’t be judgmental or unfriendly. Don’t allow yourself to be too easily wounded, crushed, or hurt. Guard against bitterness and being quick to forgive. Ask Jesus to help develop these attitudes in you when you face challenging times.
Be a Blessing
Your job is to bless (1 Peter 3:9, The Message). Put another way, it reads like this:
Never return evil for evil or insult for insult —scolding, tongue-lashing, berating; but on the contrary blessing—praying for their welfare, happiness, and protection, and truly pitying and loving them. For know that to this you have been called, that you may yourselves inherit a blessing [from God] —obtain a blessing as heirs, bringing welfare and happiness and protection. (1 Peter 3:9, AMP)
Holy, beautiful women never return harsh words, but instead give a blessing back! One way to do this is through prayer. Do you see that the blessed outcome of our unselfish prayer for our husbands’ welfare, happiness, and protection is that we inherit these things as well?
Caught in a Cycle
Have you and your husband ever been in the following cycle? He raises his voice; you raise yours. He becomes louder; you retaliate.
This is an endless cycle, but the dynamics of it can be broken quickly if you no longer react. You can choose to act instead in a manner the Bible says is right. Your consistent, sweet, silent response to poor behavior may be the very thing God uses to change your husband. Don’t give in to the urge to let your silence be cold and stony.
When Jesus was oppressed and afflicted, He did not open His mouth (Isaiah 53:7; Matthew 26:63; Matthew 27:12-14, NASB). Mark says that Pilate was amazed at how Jesus stayed silent in the midst of the accusations that were swirling around Him. Only when He was placed under oath and asked whether He was the King of the Jews did He humbly reply, “Yes, it is as you say” (Mark 15:2).
Dealing with Unlovable Husband
If your husband is short-tempered and impatient, try remaining silent in love. Stop participating in the vicious cycle of “he gets angry; I get angry.” Choose not to react during heated times. Wait until your husband has cooled down or is more rested before discussing things.
Suppose you had two dogs. Let’s say one was red and the other blue. What would happen if you fed only the red dog and not the blue one? The red dog would become bigger and stronger while the blue one became weaker. Over time, Red would thrive, while Blue shriveled away.
Every time you act in a loving way toward your husband, it’s as if you’re feeding the red dog and refusing to feed the blue one. It’s simple to show love: Feed Red, and starve Blue! Each time you do this, it becomes more and more a part of your natural response. What you’re doing is training your mind to think in a new way, and each successive attempt becomes easier.
Begin now to pray that you will have the strength to do this, and begin praying scripturally and fervently for your husband.
How to Pray Scripturally
There is an example of a powerful way to pray contained in the book of Colossians. You might consider praying for your husband in such a way. Pray that he will:
- be filled with the knowledge of God’s will,
- have spiritual wisdom and understanding,
- walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, living a life full of integrity,
- please the Lord in all respects and do those things that bring glory to God,
- bear fruit in every good work,
- increase in the knowledge of God,
- be strengthened with all power according to the Lord’s glorious might,
- attain steadfastness and patience,
- joyously give thanks to the Father, who has qualified us to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light. (Colossians 1:9-12)
The above article comes from the book, The Politically Incorrect Wife written by Nancy Cobb and Connie Grigsby, published by Multnomah. You’ll find that the authors confidently write as “voices of experience.” They say, “Between the two of us, we bought into the modern-day thinking regarding marriage, for nearly 40 years!” You’ll want to read this book to find out what they learned.
Used by permission of Multnomah Publishers, Inc. Do not reproduce this excerpt without the prior written consent of Multnomah Publishers, Inc.
– ALSO –
To help you further in dealing with an unlovable husband, the following link takes you to various Revive Your Heart recordings that were originally set up in the form of a six-week Bible Study. Each session is approximately 30 minutes long. Here is a description they give of the series. In this six-week Bible study,
“Journey along with Abigail as she uses her influence in two men’s lives—with different results. See how the empowerment of the Holy Spirit can help you deal with difficult people . . . without becoming difficult yourself! With Scripture memory, daily study, and group discussion questions, this resource is ideal for both individual and group study.”
This is your link, as you try to live with an unlovable husband in a Christ-like way, to listen to:
• ABIGAIL: Living with the Difficult People in Your Life
If you have additional tips to help others, or you want to share requests for prayer, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
Filed under: For Married Women
I don’t think my husband loves me. I’m not willing to get a divorce right now and need ideas on how to stay positive and live a fullfilling life.
Be the Proverbs 31 woman. If you keep yourself busy and let God use you in his ministry you will realize that life can be fulfilling. Saturate him with love even if he doesn’t reciprocate.
Wise words indeed.
What a valuable message. My husband is really a passionate man as far as his interests, but gets very moody when he’s under stress. This can be very frustrating, but I notice whenever the Lord has me do something nice for him he apologizes.
I believe in God and my husband is supposedly an atheist. His family are all Christians without shame. He knows it hurts me when he mocks God when he is having a bad day. I don’t react. Lately, he is calling his medical people, doctor, specialist, etc. my Gods. Then when I ask something he says, yes, God, to me. I have told him many times, stop calling me God or any other name I don’t deserve. His health is not 100% and I’m trying so hard to not reply in kind. What can I do other than pray for him and his weakened soul? I’m writing this not for him but for myself, how do I lift my spirits up again when my husband brings me and this household down, down, down?
We’ve been wed 34 years and have no children, only pets, by the way. In private, he yells in agony and the pets shake and tremble, next to me. I always say, if not for the pets, I would leave, to myself. Dr. Phil says, “you know what’s worse than living in hell for (example) 34 years…living in hell for 34 years and 01 more day”. Dr. Phil also tells wives & mothers that stay with a dominant yelling male, “then you sold yourself for the money, I tell you the children would rather live in a box then in that house with him”. If I wanted to leave, the pets is just an excuse, I believe. I would like some advice as how to go on with my life, my husband seems to have made his tantrums his life, why should I be his scapegoat, I want to know.
Hi I’m Andrea from Canada. And I’m going through the same thing! When we first met Wally was sooo loving and sweet and kind hearted to me! Now he’s different; he’s always grumpy and bitter to me! He use to hold me and say I love u million times a day and we’d make true passionate love! It was soooo nice then but now he’s mean and grumpy! I pray for him but nothing works!!! I believe in God our Father and his son Jesus! I want my old Wally back! I pray and pray! I do everything for him too. I wait on him hand and foot and when we argues he blames me! I treat him good always! I really do love him with all my heart! My heart is broken!!! What do I do?
My husband is cheating on me also. He has never shown me love but when he is out he is a different person altogether. He doesn’t appreciate me. This really hurts. He always finds fault in everything I do. But he doesn’t deprive me of sex and he gives feeding month. He has never stop giving money. I just want him to love me and appreciate me. He also discussed me with his girlfriend. Please I need advice.
My husband is always very mean and cruel towards me. He holds so much hostility in his heart towards me and he blames me for everything that goes wrong in our lives. He calls me a demon, just to be mean to me, because he knows that it will upset me. He knows that I love Our Heavenly Father so he says everything that he can just to hurt me.
I ask for you to help me pray for my husband, pray for the hatefulness and resentment that he holds for me. I don’t believe in divorce so that is the last thing that I want. But I don’t want to live a life full of hate and misery. Please help me pray for his heart, his soul and his spirit. Pray that he will become a God loving man and learn how to treat people with love and respect.
My husband has been doing this to me. I have seen a Priest, went to marriage therapy ect. It helped a little. It started to get worse. He would yell at me in front of his mother and his uncle who is the Deacon of his church. No one did or said anything to help me. I’m told “why don’t you leave him?” Why? What does it solve? This whole issue now is a habit to him. It happens sporadically to me. It can’t get any better and it can’t get any worse.
What will be the reason if he asks for a divorce? Irreconcilable differences? I know it isn’t my fault. To him I’m an “emotional pin cushion” I now recognize the amount of times I’ve been a victim to his tongue lashings. I’ll live it out. I pray for him that some sort of feeling can be brought to his heart to stop this. I pray for him. He needs the praying for. I have no reason to leave. When he meets His Maker, and he asks “Why were you verbally and emotionally abusive to your wife?” I’ll let God decide his fate. I’m going to stand strong!
My husband loses his temper cussing at me with the F word when I’m helping him on the farm be it, chasing cows, pulling a stalled tractor on ice etc, etc, etc. He acts like he is disgusted with me a lot of times yet treats everyone else with dignity and respect. We’re older and have only been married a couple of years. I’m at my wits end. I’ve prayed to Jesus for help. The only answer I’ve felt Jesus gave me is to walk away when my husband starts using foul language. This means leaving him with a herd of 300 head of cows or leave him stuck in his tractor. Any advice?
This is one of the best articles I have read on this topic. It was very helpful in a recent situation and I am going to re-read and meditate on it, so that I can retrain my responses with Gods help and become the kind of wife He wants me to be.
Thank-you!
Hai… I am Esther from India. I have been with a guy for 4 yrs, but sad to say we are still strangers. He is not so kind to me if am not boosting him up. He is totally dependent on me but still abuses me, beats me for no reason. Though I compromise on a lot of things he is so ignorant towards me, which I don’t get. Why he is behaving in such manner? He never talks to me, or expresses his feelings to me. I expect him to be more caring and loving, which I do same for him. But day by day my life is vain. Please pray for me because I am no more able to handle it.
Tonight I asked my husband if anything was wrong rather than accuse him. I asked my husband to pray for me because I was angry that he didn’t say goodnight in our separate sleeping arrangements. Your article was very helpful because he said the reason was that he was preoccupied with the electrical problem that we are having in our house wiring. I sort of didn’t believe him until I read your article. I’m praying everyday for him to be filled with the knowledge of God’s will so that he can know the hope of His calling…it seems to be helping me a little but my anger toward him is killing me. I pray God will help me not be so angry toward him since its my fault that I have held a grudge against him for hurtful things he has done in our 23years of marriage. He forgives me and is still helping me with our property. I wish I could help him more.
I thank you for this article. It is hard to live with a man who thinks he does nothing wrong. He has told me that he didn’t care if I left because his church means more to him. He sacrifices for everyone else except his marriage. His friends think he is a good guy but he is different at home. When I speak to him he tells me I am sick and need help.
This is good Biblical advice. May many find it and make applications, including me!
Pray with me. I am in an abusive language marriage. No respect, insults, name calling in the presence of my kids. Help me. I am traumatized.
Tapiwa… so sorry that you are being traumatized in this way. Words definitely CAN hurt, deeply. Please look through the Abuse in Marriage Topic at: https://marriagemissions.com/category/abuse-in-marriage/. We have many articles posted there that may give you insight. I pray for you, hoping your husband will wake up. No human being has the right to treat their spouse like this.