As it pertains to emotional abandonment, when your spouse shuts you out:
“It’s a complaint I hear regularly from people looking for help for their marriages:
- ‘I feel distant from my spouse.’
- ‘I try to get my husband to open up, but instead he just shuts down.’
- ‘My wife just doesn’t seem interested in me anymore. I feel like we’re a million miles apart.’
- ‘I don’t know if I love him anymore.’
“What we’re talking about here is emotional abandonment. Instead of physically leaving the relationship, your spouse simply checks out emotionally. They stop investing in the marriage, leaving their mate feeling detached and unwanted. To the outside world the situation can still look rosy, but in reality the relationship is dying a slow, quiet death.” (Dr Dave Currie with Glen Hoos)
Emotional abandonment might not even die quite so slowly and quietly, as the spouse who is shut out tries to grapple with what is happening. Sometimes there is a lot of screaming and finger-pointing within the home. This often complicates the situation even further. And yet, what can the abandoned spouse do to turn the relationship back around in the right direction?
Addressing this issue:
Honestly, it’s confusing —even to those who call themselves “experts” in marriage relationships because everyone’s situation is different. What’s especially tragic is that emotional abandonment is something that seems to be happening in epidemic proportions in marriages today, or maybe it’s just that we hear more about this in today’s world… it’s difficult to tell.
But whatever the case, this is something we need to address because of the devastation it is causing on so many levels to individuals within their marriages, families, churches, and society as a whole, as the family unit breaks down and goes in an unhealthy direction.
Insights that may help:
We have found several web site articles that we believe will help in some way. They are ones that give insight into what may be causing this type of emotional shut down. They also give insight on what you may be able to do to turn things around. Please read:
• HER HUSBAND WOULDN’T SPEAK TO HER FOR THREE YEARS
• MY HUSBAND IS A MYSTERIOUS ISLAND
With this next article, written by Dr Dave Currie and Glenn Hoos, posted on The Power to Change web site. It not only gives you solutions to consider but also gives you the opportunity to request to talk to a Marriage Mentor over the issue.
Something you may want to consider:
• EMOTIONAL ABANDONMENT: When Your Spouse Shuts You Out
Filed under: Communication and Conflict
I recently stopped wondering what I was doing wrong (everything if you’d eavesdrop on my husband) and began to try to figure out what was making HIM tick. I did lots of reading on narcissistic behavior and suddenly realized that him shutting me out (when he’s not busy being mad at me) is the worst form of abuse…as if I don’t exist..as if I’m not even good enough to acknowledge. It’s a very deep and subtle form of anger and I can’t fix him and I can’t fix this relationship all by myself. He steadfastly refuses to put forth any effort to heal this relationship.
I know God didn’t put me here…I did… and I truly believe God is opening my eyes to exactly what I’m dealing with. I’ve remained quiet to keep the peace. I’ve been kind and good and generous and I’ve been ignored and belittled and screamed at and shut out and I suddenly realized I was trying to plug up the holes in a sinking ship. I patch one and three more appear. I highly recommend reading and re-reading “Who’s Pushing Your Buttons” on calmly and assertively standing up for ourselves without the drama.
I’m working on healilng my SELF and I’m finally starting to feel better for the first time in a long time. I know God could not possibly want me to be sad and lonely all the time so if my getting better, intimidates him, it’s not my responsibility to placate him anymore. I’m monogamous. Don’t believe in divorce and I’ve stopped believing in this marriage so where do I go from here? God only knows.
Deep in your heart you know what to do. If you are not happy and the other person (man or woman) does not work on the relationship it will never get any better.
You are worthy of good things, or intimacy or kindness. And if you don’t feel you are worth it the other person will not acknowledge your needs.
Respect your partner but expect the same back. Childish behavior of not talking or acknowledging your feelings work well with their mommy but they have to realize that they grew up and act accordingly.
Never take a hasty step but think about what would be best for you. So you can be your best for the one you love.
I’m 33 years old, and have been married for 11 years. We have 2 kids together. I feel the only reason we’re together is because of the kids. 4 years ago my husband started sleeping in separate rooms. He won’t sleep in the same bed with me. In the course of the 11 years of marriage we’ve only lived together 8 or 9 years because we separated twice because of him being aggressive mean and violent.
He now controls his anger and is no longer aggressive towards me because I pressed charges, and he knows he’ll go to jail. He isn’t violent anymore. But he’s withdrawn and doesn’t want to have sex with me. Like I said, we live in the same house but he won’t share the same room. I got him a Viagra strap on, and he still won’t even take the pills because he won’t even have sex with me, or sleep in the same room.
When controlling men think they’ve lost their control with that person they usually will disconnect. It’s all about them having control over you. Control is their driving force for the relationship. This comes from their upbringing and what was taught to them by their father. They think it’s normal (their role-job) to do so… Have read much on this type of person. Read: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
Hope it helps you receive understanding.
I try so hard to make him see how much I love him but he pushes me away. One day he says he loves me but actions say something different. He’s always kicking me out and so I’m so insecure that I’m always on the edge looking over my shoulder for a house to live in for me and my girls. It scares me. I really don’t even know if he really does love me cause he says he hates me more than he loves me. I need help.
Hello, I’m in a very abusive and the most dysfunctional relationship. I have been married to my husband for over 8yrs and soon after our honeymoon period was over he became very cold and abusive towards me. He has a dependency to cannabis and I felt it may be that’s why he is so abusive initially. But then his whole family didn’t accept me from day one so he was easily influenced by what they thought even though he fought hard to get me to marry him and we both had trouble making our families accept our decision to get married. But I lnow why my family rejected the idea as they said he and his family are very abusive and in their mannerism too.
My husband in recent years has now started to call me terrible names on a daily basis and he can go on and on for days giving me the silent treatment. After 2kids in 8yrs he still hasn’t made any changes rather I would say his behaviour has worsened over the last few years. He has assaulted me on many occasions and the most dirtiest of acts is him spitting in my face.
I’m truly at the end of my tether and feel he is some evil and begrudging devil..he is a true Narcissist who is only out to destroy me as the person I am..or rather (I was). If we have a disagreement infront of the kids he will use the vilest profanity and tell me I am “fat & ugly.” But the truth is I’m not fat or ugly; I get alot of compliments from women/men saying im very attractive and that my husband is too lucky to have me. He knows this and still carries on violating me.
He intentionally stays out all night as he knows it hurts me and will give me the silent treatment when at home. To hurt me further he says he can marry any woman and that he wants and feels disgusted by me. I ask him why he hates me so much, he just says he can’t stand me because I always ask him to sit with me and give me his time. But then he is my husband so isn’t it my right to have his love and attention? He has no empathy, if I’m lying in bed very ill he won’t even come into the room but I can hear him swearing telling my kids I’m a fat lazy good for nothing….
My wife doesn’t even talk to me anymore ever since she got pregnant. She txt me but never talks to me or even looks at me and doesn’t show me any affection. I feel like we are a million miles away from one another. I feel alone. I don’t know what to do. Every time I tell her she can talk to me she says awwwww, but she doesn’t tell me and I know something is going on, but she won’t tell me. I don’t know what to do; I really don’t. I’m lost on a mysterious island.
My husband is so quiet and he talks to himself but his mouth moves. I keep asking him to talk to me and he gets angry and tells me to stop asking this. We are on holiday now and celebrating our 10th wedding anniversary and I am so lonely. He dwells on past stuff and gets really angry about people but it’s all going on in his head. He only talks about it when he has had a drink. He blames me for most things and never ever takes any blame for anything in life. I am really tired of this. Our sex life is not happening and this is down to me. I have lost all my libido now. I do not know where to turn.
You can’t change him Anna. What you are struggling with is the personal desire to be happy and content. Find this outside of your circumstances and it can never be taken away from you. Sounds like your husband is dealing with a lot of stuff. I appeal to you on a spiritual level. Satan is clever and creates many problems in our lives that we try to fix in order to be happy and content but our focus shouldn’t be on fixing our problems but on God. Praising God can lead your soul beside still waters. I’ve nearly 10 years feeling alone and neglected in my marriage and struggling with ways in which to fix it until I realized that the answer isn’t about fixing my issues but on finding happiness and contentment in God alone.
I like your comment. I’m living in a marriage where even a stranger would have more compassion towards me. My husband calls me all sorts of name, even refers to me as an embarrassment. I’m currently pregnant and having bad sickness so I’m not at my best but he still uses that to tell me how I look and who could love me. He would go to work and come back and doesn’t ask or even say anything to me for days and weeks. If I try to talk he says he’s busy or I choose to talk when he’s thinking about another topic.
It’s one thing after the other. He’s very disrespectful to my mother. She fell off the bed and he stood there and didn’t even ask if she’s ok. I’m pregnant and had to help lift her. He doesn’t say where he’s going. I was so sick and wanted something from the pharmacy, which is like 2 blocks away and he refused until I couldn’t take the pain any more. I could go on forever cause it’s depressing. I’ve tried talking to get a counselor but he’s so stubborn, selfish and hard it’s like he’s Pharoh. We used to hug and kiss before marriage. That has gone through the window saying he doesn’t like those things. I’ve realized that I have to cry out in prayer because living like this is depressing. Can I live like that?
It’s like I am reading my life in a paragraph; so sorry someone else goes through this! And as a cherry on top, I was diagnosed with Breast cancer 3 years ago. Please do not make yourself upset. Your physical and mental health is not something you can risk. I can’t leave this hell because of my medical bills.
My husband has been cheated on me since day one of our relationship! With me being Catholic, I hold marriage very sacred. He is Baptist but doesn’t practice any real Christian beliefs! I try to talk about martial problems but he will start yelling and slamming things! Knowing my kids hate the yelling and get mad at me, all I’m trying to do is figure out what to do! I had a c-spine fusion, which they cut the throat to repair! My husband refused to be home to help me. He hasn’t been to the hospital when I was rushed by ambulance, or my mom dying on April 27, which she was my best friend. I watched her die right in front of me!
I’ve been so alone I sleep with a teddybear to feel some kind of warmth! He had me quit my job due to his mistress working with us! I confronted her and she said it was true, they were intimate; he denied it! I was sick of looking like an idiot trying to make my husband want me! I gave in and quit! I’m getting a check soon from workers comp; it’s the chance for me to leave and start healing from the pain!
When my husband comes home from work when we have our supper. At 2.00 am in the morning I am falling asleep! I love him very very much and try very hard to do everything he wants me to do. I am trying to be a good wife but I feel so exhausted; drained with a very poor memory. Every day is a big struggle. I cannot seem to finish my housework, do the garden and shopping I need to completely change into an organized business-confident wife. But it hasn’t happened overnight! I sleep with my teddy bear too. I pray, I sing and play the guitar – new worship songs. I have so much love inside, newly filled by the holy spirit and I am now praying in tongues. I will pray for you please do not give up. GOD CAN DO THE IMPOSSIBLE IF YOU WILL BELIEVE AND TRUST AS I AM DOING NOW BECAUSE THEN EVERY DAY BECOMES A NEW WONDER OF THIS LOVING SUPER LOVING FEELING INSIDE OF YOU.
My husband and I just married in April, now he has issues with getting angry. I don’t know what to do. I will be honest I have issues of keeping my mouth shut and just being submissive. I will never understand how or why you can love someone so much and they cannot see it. …I don’t really know how to respect a man that doesn’t care about anyone else except what he want his way or no way. I just don’t know. I’m not quitter but I must say I need help.
Hello, my husband abandoned me and children from USA coz he found a younger Philippines woman.
Married 40 years and wife has breast cancer. She talks to me with hate. Blames me for all that is wrong in her life. Money is and has been a problem in our life. I make good money but it’s never enough. Life is not good.
Take her to the beach somewhere and get in the water. Dig for shells. Get her out if she lets herself.
I have been married for 20 years July 8 2015. My husband has been pushing me away more and more emotionally. He’s mad every single day. Road rage, and home rage. We are both believers. He has a lot of pride and won’t let me get help at church or expose his business. He quit helping in Sunday school. It seems that he doesn’t want to go to church lately. We have no connection, he’s only nice during sex. After that he’s mad all over again.
We have 4 children. I’m so so drained. I have been dealing with this for years. He doesn’t get along with others; he has a problem with just about every one we try to build a relationship with. He’s always fussing with people. I’m always supporting him with school, and everything he wants to do. He never supports me. I’m 1 class away from graduation for an Associates Degree. However I owe 1,400 and he hasn’t helped me at all pay down the balance. He took 800 to pay for a drone and it crashed and broke the first time he flew it. But he wouldn’t pay my balance.
I’m so, so, so, so, so tired. It’s hard to just walk away. I feel so miserable. I want things to be better. I’m praying hard. I want to feel that my husband cares for me and is not using me.
It sucks feeling USED by the 1 person you Love most. My husband left 10 months ago to be with a former co-worker who he seems to had waiting? She has called my phone, bragged about the affair on social media. All the while I still keep trying to believe that God can and will restore my Marriage!! I have the Faith-although shaky sometimes..Today just happens to be 1 of those days I’m hurting deeply. He wont talk about the affair and I know for a fact that he is still dealing with her.. Sigh! Im praying for all Wayward spouses to come to the light about Adultery and most of all I am praying for the other Woman (6 kids)!!!!
I am a recovering alcoholic (2 years sobriety). Lately my husband and daughter have been drinking beer together. I asked why I can’t come. They don’t want to drink in front of me but I assured them it doesn’t bother me. It seems since I am sober, no one wants to be around. This started in January and sometimes he doesn’t come home til late. I don’t suspect anything physical, it just seems he enjoys talking to my daughter more than me. I love them both dearly and this just seems so complicated.
The two are mean. Find nice people to go EAT with…get away from their bad ways of drinking without you. Go get happy being without them.
I’ve been with my husband for 3.5 years and married for 1. I’m sad to report that THIS all started before we even got married. He used to be so kind hearted and showed me love and respect as I did him. But now he has shut me out. We’re in the middle of building our new home (by ourselves). He works a full time desk job with his parents and I work a full time desk job, as well. He has a side job and is building the house. I have two part time jobs. We live our own lives at this point. We are completely 100% emotionally disconnected.
He promised we would start a family on our 1 year anniversary. He said to my face, “I’m not doing it, because if we have a family right now we’re bound to get a divorce. I’m not bringing a child into this relationship how it is.” Granted, I see his point on how our current relationship is… but the whole divorce thing? This is all coming from a man who said divorce was never an option. He keeps pushing that promise out with more and more excuses.
I’ve never felt so alone in a relationship and it pains me to know it’s my MARRIAGE that is going through this. Now, I know marriage isn’t a bunch of flowers and rainbows… don’t get me wrong. But it has been hell and I haven’t been happy. I honestly didn’t think we would make it to our 1 year wedding anniversary. He says he has nothing to change and shouldn’t have to change, that I need to love him for who he is.
But this isn’t who he was in the beginning. No. He cared in the beginning. Now he doesn’t even try. Thinks sweeping it under the carpet will make it all better. And over and over people have said he is emotionally stupid. And he is. But he has shown love and TALKED to me before… he just admits, “everyone does things in the beginning of a relationship to make themselves look good… those things fade quickly. Ask anyone.” :| I feel trapped.
The first date my wife kissed me, she felt confused and closed up while laying in a hammock till 4 am. I held her the rest of the night to show her it’s ok while she lay paralyzed emotionally. Then we married 5 yrs later. After 12 yrs of marriage and 3 kids later, she can’t conflict resolve, nor express herself.
She still internalizes all her thoughts and at 37 the family is ripped apart since the mom, the mom’s mom ,and my three girls all live together now. My spouse taught my kids to escape your problems. I said for the 5th yr in a row I can’t save for my retirement, your retirement, and kid’s college on one income spending every paycheck. That next day she said she’s separating. On my daughter’s 8th birthday, I was petitioned for divorce… her loss.
We never talk unless about money, kids, and how he can’t stand to be with my parents. I can’t stand it anymore, so lonely; I don’t remember the last time we slept together. I’m on the couch or he is… help.
Two years ago my husband left for the US and ever since then we’ve been on a long distance relationship. We have a son and the process our petition is still ongoing. But ever since he left things hadn’t been the same. The distance made me see clearly who my husband really is. I’ve never felt so emotionally abandoned and mentally distressed. He rarely talks to us. I understand that his job demands a lot of time and he’s having a difficult time balancing his priorities both personal and professional.
There were many many times that he put everything else first before me and our son. There were even times that we did not skype for more than a month or not communicate for weeks giving him the space that he needed. Then when I finally opened up to him about it, he brushed it off and completely ignored the situation like it wasn’t important and that made me so sad and upset. It went on for months. Every time I tell him how I feel he gaslights. He tells me I’m crazy for feeling that way and tries to twist things around telling me it’s my fault for feeling that way. I’ve cried so many times feeling bad for myself and my son and no comfort is given by him or anyone. My feelings aren’t important to him and he tries so hard to nehaye how I feel. It drives me crazy inside. It’s hard because I don’t have friends to talk to and I don’t want to talk to my family about our situation. He is emotionally abandoning me and I just don’t know what to do anymore.
The problem is that these difficulties really should be identified BEFORE one commits themselves to a relationship. Instead people get hung up in the romance, fall for someone without ever really getting to know them. If you are not communicating openly as a couple within a couple of weeks of meeting one another any real relationship is doomed.
Um, people change. I married a sweet, caring man and after his mom died from cancer, he couldn’t deal with his anger and loss. He takes it out on me, calling me names, telling me I don’t contribute to the family, no one else will love me, etc. He’s definitely is not the same person I married. We dated for 4 years, were engaged, did a year of pre-marital counseling, waited 5 years before having kids and none of that helped. I wish it were as simple as you suggest.