As it pertains to emotional abandonment, when your spouse shuts you out:
“It’s a complaint I hear regularly from people looking for help for their marriages:
- ‘I feel distant from my spouse.’
- ‘I try to get my husband to open up, but instead he just shuts down.’
- ‘My wife just doesn’t seem interested in me anymore. I feel like we’re a million miles apart.’
- ‘I don’t know if I love him anymore.’
“What we’re talking about here is emotional abandonment. Instead of physically leaving the relationship, your spouse simply checks out emotionally. They stop investing in the marriage, leaving their mate feeling detached and unwanted. To the outside world the situation can still look rosy, but in reality the relationship is dying a slow, quiet death.” (Dr Dave Currie with Glen Hoos)
Emotional abandonment might not even die quite so slowly and quietly, as the spouse who is shut out tries to grapple with what is happening. Sometimes there is a lot of screaming and finger-pointing within the home. This often complicates the situation even further. And yet, what can the abandoned spouse do to turn the relationship back around in the right direction?
Addressing this issue:
Honestly, it’s confusing —even to those who call themselves “experts” in marriage relationships because everyone’s situation is different. What’s especially tragic is that emotional abandonment is something that seems to be happening in epidemic proportions in marriages today, or maybe it’s just that we hear more about this in today’s world… it’s difficult to tell.
But whatever the case, this is something we need to address because of the devastation it is causing on so many levels to individuals within their marriages, families, churches, and society as a whole, as the family unit breaks down and goes in an unhealthy direction.
Insights that may help:
We have found several web site articles that we believe will help in some way. They are ones that give insight into what may be causing this type of emotional shut down. They also give insight on what you may be able to do to turn things around. Please read:
• HER HUSBAND WOULDN’T SPEAK TO HER FOR THREE YEARS
• MY HUSBAND IS A MYSTERIOUS ISLAND
With this next article, written by Dr Dave Currie and Glenn Hoos, posted on The Power to Change web site. It not only gives you solutions to consider but also gives you the opportunity to request to talk to a Marriage Mentor over the issue.
Something you may want to consider:
• EMOTIONAL ABANDONMENT: When Your Spouse Shuts You Out
Filed under: Communication and Conflict
Well, My husband works by himself and is a kind of lonely guy. When he comes home he talks to me endlessly about things I don’t care about. I listen for the most part but I’m in sales and the last thing I want to do is listen to a speech. Our kids are over 18 and have all moved out because he has given all his attention to foreign exchange students that are all very nice, smart and interesting. He says he is just more interested in them. He does errands for them and works harder for them than he has ever for his own family.
He wanted me to go on vacation with one of the girls and himself, which is about 2 hours away and then drive her another 2 hours to her other family. He has never made an offer to drive our kids or me to the Mall of America. He does this when he can look like a bigshot to these incredibly smart girls. I’m so sick of this I want answers or I want him gone. When I told him no way did I want to go on vacation or take her in the winter time across the state, he said he gives up and he doesn’t care about anything any more. I think he is trying to make me feel bad about not being part of this fantasy that is hurting our family. Do you have any words of wisdom for me? Financially he does not contribute much and will not look for other work because he says no one will hire him because he has had his own bussiness and he is unhirable.
Thanks for reading this. I just don’t know how much harder to work on this… or if I want to anymore.
My husband hardly talks to me. When I got back home I yearn for him –all he would do. Eat together. Then spend some time with the baby and me till we put the baby asleep. Then after he is on his computer playing games, watching documentaries or films. And sometimes go out fishing with my cousins. We hardly spend time together until I get angry and stood talking to him. He will be after me, kiss me, and all that. Then next day same thing again. All I want is his love but sometimes I feel so shattered that I want to kill him for making me yearn for him. Pfff.
Hi. I’m in the same boat with you. The only good thing is that I don’t have a kid with him. My son is off to college. I don’t want to kill him; it’s not worth it. But I will leave for sure.
Ever heard of some me time?
Hi Carl,
Of course…. But these two , Shana and Ni, describe situations which seem more extreme than a need for “me time”
I’m so confused too…I tell him I love him and he doesn’t even say it back. I’ve tried so hard and I’m exhausted. I dont know what I ever did. Finances are a problem right now but I don’t get why he is pushing it on me.
We’ve been married 47 years and my husband hasn’t talked, slept or associated with me in 45 years. This is his way of a successful marriage and causes no problems.
Requesting prayer for James concerning my fiancé. She doesn’t prioritize my wants in trying to look out for the family, always taking her daughters side scheming, and disrespecting. I’m trying to stay but it’s hard; I’m praying but I need your prayers. God bless.
Look deep inside yourself… If you are not married yet, you have a chance to start over with no strings attached.
I lost my job 3 years ago after a spinal surgery. My husband has ranted and raved about how much he hates his job. I feel bad that he’s stuck with a job he hates, however we are both in our late 50s and there is no alternative. He’s got a good paying job (thank God). But he tells me every day he’s going to quit. He’s even told me he’s going to quit just before going to bed (I can’t sleep when he does). I feel like a failure and a burden. I have no sense of security. I told him we need to go to counseling and that I feel shut down. He won’t talk to me and if I dare ask how his day was he rants (just makes it worse for both of us). I know there is no place for resentment. However, honestly that is all I feel toward him after enduring three years of this. He often shops around to find me a job. I’ve told him I am still in pain!
My husband is cold short and mean. He works then comes home waits for his dinner. He doesn’t pay me or the kids much attention and everything he says sounds mean. He still wants to have sex and gets irritated when I say no because I don’t like the way he treats me. Then he starts saying “I work and pay the bills and buy stuff and you won’t even put out.” I have to pry to hear about his day and he never asks me how mine was. He doesn’t kiss me anymore, swears he’s not cheating. If I act like the way he does he calls me names.
I don’t know what to do. My kids are 1 and 2. I have no daycare for them to work. I’d have to work overnights and move in with my grandparents until I could afford a home and vehicle. I feel so alone and am trying to be strong and OK for my kids. It’s getting more difficult every day.
Praying for you,
I’m so sorry to hear all the stuff women have to go though. I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and I have a son who 10 years old. It’s so depressing that he has to watch everything I’m going through. My husband just won’t stop having affairs with other women. As soon as I tried to consult him about it he got so upset and started to tell me lots of hurtful things. He would stop talking to me for weeks. He would even jump for moving out or divorce. He would pass me in our home and wouldn’t even look at me. I’m so confused and I don’t know what to do.
I didn’t need to see the term ’emotional numbness’ before I identified it as my feelings towards my husband. He is a great guy; I’m just done. I don’t want to be married anymore; I don’t want to ‘share’ my life anymore. We’re both Christians, but seldom seem to enhance the other. I don’t care to ‘make things right.’ I want out after 30 yrs of marriage.
How much this must grieve the Lord. It’s a good thing He didn’t and never has had this attitude toward us. It’s a good thing he doesn’t say, “I’m done” … “I don’t want to ‘share’ my life and love anymore” … “30 years is enough –this is my time; ‘I don’t care to make things right.'” I’m sad for you and sad for your husband –this “great guy,” and sad for all of the people around you who are witnessing this “I give up and want this time in my life to be about ME, rather than we.”
I pray God will lead them to others who will persevere, keep their vows and inspire them NOT to give up, rather than influence them to the point where they wonder whether they should go down this same road. Sadly, that happens in too many situations. And the unbelieving world points, shakes their heads, and laughs at what they call hypocrisy in those who call themselves “Christ followers” even though Jesus would never do this to us or them. This is sad, so very sad. I hope you change your mind.
If I’m wrong, but I’m pretty sure that Jesus would not want us to be treated the way we are treated by certain men in this world; to abandon us and feel that it’s OK to treat us the way they do. I’m pretty sure that in the Bible it states something about the Lord telling man to treat their women well…I’m pretty sure that poor woman after 30 years is tired of it to also sure that that’s why the Pope himself has made it easier to get an annulment these days because he knows how difficult a world it is and I have to admit it’s very lonely and I’ve only been married for five years!
My husband just up and left. He has cut off contact with me, saying things were just too much. He has done this many times before and always comes back apologizing and promising never to do it again. Our therapist thinks he has a personality disorder / chemical imbalance. I want a loving marriage but it’s very difficult to be put through such emotional turmoil once a year. What do I do? This time I think he is gone forever. He did seek out the therapist but hasn’t communicated with me in 2 weeks and moved out.
When you know who you are through God’s description anybody who puts me down looks like a child throwing a tantrum. Nobody can change the way I know God says I am… Amen. I always tell my husband I know for a fact he loves me because who wouldn’t and we both laughed. I never have an angry, hateful motive guiding anything I provide anybody, who wouldn’t love that. Lol I love you all.
I feel if people would just resort to 100% maturity, especially if they have children and bless God, then we would end bullies altogether.
When I am in an emotional upheaval (for instance when my mother died), my husband will not talk to me or be near me. He goes into his room or out and I see very little of him for days or even weeks. My husband isn’t bad or mean to me, I just feel emotionally abandoned when I need him most of all.
I suspect that he just doesn’t know what to do to comfort me. I have talked with him many times about this and told him what I need. I just need him to put his arm around me or hug me or listen to me while I grieve. I need to know that he’s there for me. Although I’ve discussed it many times, it hasn’t helped. In fact, when I discuss it, he gets angry and says, “Yeah, I’m a horrible human being. It’s all my fault,” and then he storms off.
I have been married for 30 years and we are now retired. Things haven’t gotten any better over the years. I feel as if I don’t have a husband….just a man living in my house who I have to take care of. Even though I am old now, I still need something more. I feel alone. I don’t know what I can do to get my needs met. I almost feel as if I am being punished for being upset or sad. It makes everything worse at an already horrible time.
This past 18 months has been hell. My partner and husband of 8 years had an emotional affair with a woman that lasted close to 6 month. He also told me he never loved me. A majority of this affair was based on how horrible I am, how I am boring, work too much, cook boring meals, talk too much and haven’t lost enough weight. I know this because I read entire conversations of his on his computer. When I confronted him he became suicidal (and still denies the relationship). He then became very manic, unable to hold conversations jumping from topic to topic and really brain scattered. For about 3 months he was all over the place emotionally; he would experience high then a low mood that would change very quickly. I managed to get him to a psycharist and medicated. That was 12 months ago.
For 6 months I became his full time care giver he had no ability to care for himself. Currently he is employed (after a great deal of time unemployed) however he has little ability to hold a conversation feel or experience emotion. Also he struggles to function at all outside of work. We are currently working opposite shifts to each other and are lucky to see each other once a week. I feel like my husband has disappeared and been missing the past 18 months. I deep down know that eventually he may still commit suicide. I am in my early 30’s and can’t see my husband becoming the man I want to father my children. However I don’t want to leave him; I love the man I fell in love with not the shell of a person I face now. What should I do?
I am really sorry to hear about your situation. Sometimes people are not strong enough to come out with the truth; therefore it is easier to have another person feel remorse for you by shifting the blame.
This was a conversation to win some other person’s compassion; so do not take what was written to heart. He may be having an emotional breakdown because now that the truth of his affair is out in the open with you, he feels powerless and confused.
It is difficult being in a relationship with someone in this situation, especially having children together. However, you two will need to come together in agreement about the plan to move forward for your children…with each other or apart. Staying in a toxic relationship in my opinion is worse in my opinion, especially when the children are witness to it. But there is hope! You both wholeheartedly need to be willing to make sacrifices and commitments to one another.
I will be praying for you and your family. I hope all will resolve peacefully, respectfully, and with a happy ending to you all. Love, Crystal
My husband of 1 month is shutting me off. We didn’t fight at all. We were living with his family in another state. Work wasn’t good so we couldn’t rent right away. I wasn’t comfortable so we decided that I come back to Texas until we could afford to rent. Well now he won’t call or answer my calls or texts. Doesn’t send me money… no explanation at all. I need helpful advice on what to do. I miss him and love him. Help.
Were there underlying problems in your relationship before this happened? Did his parents approve of your marriage? Is there an age problem? Did you know each other a long time before marrying? You said “we decided” –was it “we” who decided to go back to Texas or did you decide? Are you living somewhere that he would be opposed to? Was he involved with another woman or a looser lifestyle before you married? Are either of you committed Christ-followers? Were there communication problems before this where he wouldn’t talk to you for a period of time when he was upset about something? I’m not asking you these questions to judge you or him one way or another, but just to get some clarity before answering your plea for help.
My husband and I have been married 4 years. It is not going good. He comes home early in the morning. When I ask where he was he just says he was down the street. I wouldn’t have a problem that he is out with his co workers if he would tell me that he will be late coming home. I have told him this already but he continues to do it. He doesn’t understand why this upsets me. What should I do?
I think you already know in your heart what’s going on and what to do.