I came across an article written by Gary Smalley on the issue of men not comforting their wives. I believe what Gary has to say could help a lot of women. What he basically says is: most men don’t know HOW to comfort you in the way you most need it. You have to teach them how to do this.
For years I’ve applied the principle Gary teaches to my own marriage. I just happened to stumble upon this principle, applied it and have found it works really well! I wish I would have come across his article years ago because it would have saved me a lot of heartache.
Men Don’t Like to be Taught
Before I send you to read what Gary wrote on this subject I want to interject something I’ve learned from my experiences that might help you. WARNING: Most men don’t like to be taught. This is particularly true if they think their wife is looking down on them.
Most men aren’t proud of the fact that they don’t just naturally understand how a woman needs to be treated. It makes them feel dumb and awkward. It has something to do with liking to come in and “save the day.” It’s the whole Superman thing, if you will. Most women don’t get this because we don’t think in this same way. But for some reason it’s important to men —at least most men.
There are some men (and women) that are just plain narcissistic. They don’t really care about anything other than what ultimately pleases them. But what I’ve found is that this applies to very few men. If this is true of your husband I’m so sorry that you’ve found yourself in a marriage with this type of man. This has GOT to be a heartbreaking situation. But please know that God can show you a way to gain comfort from God Himself and other “safe” friends. Just make sure it doesn’t include someone from the opposite sex (other than a female family member).
Exposing yourself to that kind of temptation could eventually threaten your marriage. It would be wrong on your part no matter how wrong your husband may be. You still need to honor God’s principles of right and wrong. That’s true even if your spouse is wrong or is mentally or emotionally ill in some way.
However, most men are very teachable. However, some men are slower in how fast they will “catch on” to what you’re teaching. So make sure you’re aware of this and adjust accordingly.
The important thing to note is that when you “teach” them, try to keep their dignity in tact. Find ways to teach them without making it look like they SHOULD have known these things before. Even if you think that’s true —they didn’t. Studies have shown that most men’s minds don’t naturally know these things. Their nurturing nature doesn’t seem to be as in tune as a woman’s. It can eventually become that way. But it often takes someone to have the patience and a teaching style that isn’t offensive to “waken” this part of their character.
Your Spouse Isn’t You
So be patient and remember: he isn’t you. Your husband can’t read your mind as well as you think he should. He may not be as intuitive on this level of being in a relationship. So cut him a little (and sometimes a lot) of slack. And help him where he needs it without letting your pride or sarcasm take over what needs to be done.
After all, you aren’t “sharp” or near perfect in every area of living that there is either, are you? And neither is your husband, so be a dispenser of grace in this area of your lives together.
To read the article that Gary Smalley wrote please click onto the imom.com web site link below:
This article was put together by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International.
Filed under: For Married Women