How do you deal with the situation, where you feel that verbal abuse is being thrown at you within your marriage? And how do you know if this isn’t just a “normal” matter of one spouse disagreeing with the other? Plus, there is also the matter of emotional abuse. There’s no doubt that both of these are destructive for you and your marriage relationship.
One thing we do here at Marriage Missions is to hunt for information that will best help spouses to understand the different aspects of marriage. This way each marital situation can be approached prayerfully, carefully, and better educated. The goal is to be led by our Wonderful Counselor, the Holy Spirit, to do what He shows is best.
Clarification Concerning Verbal Abuse And Emotional Abuse
With that in mind, we want to first deal with the topic of emotional abuse. It’s important to clarify what it is and what can be done about it. And then we’ll go on to the topic of verbal abuse. You can have one directed at you without the other, and yet, they often overlap.
First of all, we encourage you to pray before reading —that the eyes of your heart and mind will humbly be open to comprehend what God wants for you to know.
“Good and upright is the LORD.
Therefore He instructs sinners in his ways.
He guides the humble in what is right
and teaches them His way.”
(Psalm 25:8-9)
Secondly, it’s important to recognize emotional abuse for what it is. Dr Barbara Shaffer asks the questions:
“Can you identify a symptom of emotional abuse? More importantly can you define emotional abuse or identify any of its forms?”
To obtain some answers, please click onto the link below to read:
• CAN YOU IDENTIFY A SYMPTOM OF EMOTIONAL ABUSE?
More on Emotional Abuse
Next, it’s important to know even more about this type of abuse. Counselor, and author Leslie Vernick explains much more about emotional abuse in her book, The Emotionally Destructive Marriage: How to Find Your Voice and Reclaim Your Hope
Verbal Abuse
And that takes us to the issue of verbal abuse. Most often it overlaps with emotional abuse. But here’s a little peak into the way relationship expert, Leslie Vernick, explains it:
“Cursing someone out is bigger than just using four-letter words. Cursing someone is condemning him or her as if you’re their judge or even their god. When someone does that he (or she) believes they’re the superior one; and as such have the right to cast “judgment” on another’s character, personhood, or even actions in a demeaning or derogatory way. The Bible speaks to this kind of person. Jesus says, ‘If you are even angry with someone, you are subject to judgment! If you call someone an idiot, you are in danger of being brought before the court. And if you curse someone, you are in danger of the fires of hell” (Matthew 5:22).
First, Concerning Verbal Abuse:
“It’s helpful to make a distinction between an abusive incident and an abusive relationship. Since we are all sinners, we are all capable of some verbal abuse. (James 3:2). James also cautions believers that our tongue can be misused as a weapon to hurt other people. (Yes, the Bible speaks of emotional and verbal abuse). James describes it this way. He says the tongue is ‘restless and evil full of deadly poison. Sometimes it praises our Lord and Father; and sometimes it curses those who have been made in the image of God. And so blessing and cursing come pouring out of the same mouth. Surely, my brothers and sisters, this is not right!‘ (James 3:8-10). He also warns that if we ‘claim to be a believer and don’t control our tongue, we are lying to ourselves and to others‘ (James 1:26).
“Therefore, when someone who claims to be a Christian sins and verbally curses someone out, or just says something hurtful, he or she should immediately recognize that he has crossed a line and used his tongue as a weapon for harm. James clearly says this is not right. As does Paul in Romans 13:10 when he says, ‘Love does no harm.‘
“Once that line has been crossed, a sincere apology should be given; repentance before the Lord should occur and a strong effort to never repeat that kind of abusive speech should be made. However, when abusive behavior/speech happens again and again and again, then it’s not just simply crossing the line and being a sinner. It is being an unrepentant sinner who refuses to submit himself under the authority of God.” (From Leslie’s article, “Emotional and Verbal Abuse”)
Verbal Abuse: Intimidation and Bullying
So, what do you do when there is verbal abuse, intimidation, and bullying in your marriage? And what exactly IS bullying? Dr Juli Slattery says the following:
“Intentionally or not, a bully uses intimidation and coercion to get his or her way. Yes, women can be bullies too. A wife can skillfully use emotional coercion like humiliation and cynicism. She does this to ‘punish’ a husband who isn’t ‘behaving’ according to her desires. I’ve met powerful, competent men who panic at the thought of crossing their wives. Is this normal conflict or bullying?”
That’s an important question to consider. To help you with this issue, Dr Slattery recommends reading the following books. We also recommend them:
As far as emotional abuse (including bullying), author Mary Yerkes describes it this way:
“Emotional abuse leaves few physical scars. Its victims suffer no broken bones, torn flesh or spilled blood. Still, those wounded might describe it as the most painful and destructive form of domestic violence.”
Additional Information to Help You
To discover what Mary lived through and learned about this form of abuse, we direct you to a posted article for Focus on the Family. After reading the article, also read the additional articles they suggest in the series. We believe they will help you gain a fuller picture of this type of abuse:
• UNDERSTANDING EMOTIONAL ABUSE
Christian counselor, Dr Barbara Shaffer writes the following concerning emotional abuse. (It comes from the article, “Emotional Abuse: The Abuse Beneath Abuse.”)
Dr Shaffer writes:
“Abuse in the context of an intimate relationship involves a persistent pattern of behaviors. It is not simply a mistake. Nor is it an isolated incident or a sudden loss of control. The goal that motivates all forms of abuse is to exercise power and to control…
“Physical abuse can leave bruises, and break bones. It can cause various permanent, structurally based impairments, like hearing and memory loss. These observable signs of impact signal the need for healing, assistance, protection, and safety. In contrast, emotional abuse is characterized by invisibility and great subtlety. It leaves no obvious mark that would call attention to injury, danger or the need for intervention. Although abuse comes in varied shapes, intensities, and every forms, it has an emotional component.
Definition: What exactly is emotional abuse?
“Emotional abuse is foundationally an attitude of entitlement and profound disrespect. It discounts at every turn the inherent right of the other person to dignity, separateness and autonomy. The other person is seen as only a contemptible object. Out of entitlement and disrespect spring the various behaviors that use anger, violence and/or contempt to induce fear, guilt and shame. The other person is thereby controlled, punished, or demeaned.”
Additionally, here’s something Kerby Anderson points out that is important to note:
Verbal Abuse Doesn’t Leave Evidence
“Almost everyone knows of, someone who has been verbally abused. Perhaps you are involved in a verbally abusive relationship. It is also possible that no one even knows your circumstances. Verbal abuse is a kind of battering. It doesn’t leave evidence comparable to the bruises of physical battering. You (or your friend) may be suffering in silence and isolation. In this article, tackle this very important issue in an effort to understand this phenomenon and provide answers.”
To learn what Kerby Anderson goes on to explain, read this Probe Ministries article:
“Harsh words can destroy your marriage. Here’s how to defuse verbal abuse.”
Dealing with Verbal Abuse
If you do want to know how to deal with and defuse verbal abuse we recommend that you prayerfully read the following articles. We need to tell you that they are not Christian articles per se. But they are very good ones. So, if you read something within them that you feel God would object to, please disregard that particular piece of advice. But overall, most of the advice can be very valuable. As you will see, one article will lead to links to others to read. Please read all you can. It’s important to glean through what you read to decide what will work for you in your marriage.
The articles we recommend you read are:
• YOUR VERBALLY ABUSIVE WIFE, WHAT CAN YOU DO?
Also, the ministry of All About Life Challenges can help you to better recognize verbal abuse. They also show you ways to avoid depression and find hope. This is important when you feel beaten up verbally. To learn more, please read:
Lastly, the following scripture is something you may find helpful to pray:
“Guard my life and rescue me.
Let me not be put to shame,
for I take refuge in you.
“May integrity and uprightness
protect me,
because my hope is in you.”
(Psalm 25:20-21)
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International compiled this article.
If you have additional tips to help others, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
Filed under: Abuse in Marriage
(USA) My husband seems to hate me and has serious control issues and gets angry with me daily about anything. He continually puts me down whether it be my cooking or my parenting. Does anyone else experience this with their spouse?
(USA) Yes I do, and the sad thing about it is we are both supposed to be in the church.
(USD) I had experiences the situation. My husband seems to hate me and has serious control issues and gets angry with me daily about anything. He continually puts me down whether it is my cooking or my parenting. Does anyone else experience this with their spouse? Please reply.
(TRINIDAD) I experience similar treatment from my husband. I have been told that I am worthless and a waste of time. He has run me out off our home on many occasions. I am not allowed to go out with friends or see my relatives. I am a stay at home mother of 2 children ages 10 and 8. My emotional abuse has been going on for 12 years but has gotten worst over the past 4 years.
(USA) My husband is extremely self centered. My issue is that we have 3 beautiful boys and I don’t want to hurt them. But I am afraid they will learn his selfish behaviors.
Without going into pages of examples, my latest is that I planned a romantic overnight for us. The night before, he got tired before me but I said that I would like to stay up for a few minutes more. He said fine lets just cancel tomorrow, etc.
So I went ahead and canceled, I just don’t have $200 to spare on a night out that we are not both excited about. I know he is being insecure but I just think this is a line I should not cross. I mean how far can I go to keep the peace and keep him feeling loved?
(USA) Yes, I am going through the same thing, but I cannot do anything about it because I don’t want my kids to see anything, therefore I just walk way.
(US) I wish I could walk away. My husband will follow me and won’t let up until he goes to bed saying horrible things, name calling, threats, ect then there is always the sex he expects –sex right after I’m done crying. And if I don’t he either threatens or is mean. It sucks. Luckily my son is almost old enough to move away to college. I pray GOD guides me on this one. It’s starting to get worse and unbearable at times.
(USA) Please help me…
(USA) Dear Nicole, It sounds like what you are describing is verbal abuse and possibly physical intimidation (following you) and sexual abuse (threatening you to have sex or using intimidation).
*** You don’t deserve it and God doesn’t think it’s o.k.
*** Get support from people you can trust immediately! Be discrete if you think your husband would be upset. Don’t stop seeking help until you have what you feel you need to live a healthy and peaceful life.
*** Learn how you can respond to your husband in a way that is respectful to yourself and to him. Discuss what you are experiencing with a Biblical counselor to get validation for what you are experiencing and help doing that.
You owe it to yourself, your son, your husband and the body of Christ not to be silent, to get help and to stop the abusive cycle you are in. You owe it to yourself because it damages your soul and you may be in danger physically if you are not already. You owe it to your son because he is learning about relationships and how to value himself and others by watching you and your husband. And you owe it to your husband because he is sinning against you over and over again and adding to his own condemnation. You owe it to the body of Christ because what hurts you hurts the body.
Read the book The Verbally Abusive Relationship
by Patricia Evans so you can learn more about what abuse is and how to respond to it in a way that is respectful to you and your spouse and in a way that keeps you safe.
Get support from a counselor that is trained in the area of abuse and is knowledgeable of that book and the book/workbook Mending the Soul
by Steven Tracy (It’s a book and an organization mendingthesoul.org and you can call for information on a counselor in your area or over the phone).
Don’t try to make changes on your own. You need support to be safe and to persevere. You will need help as a couple if your husband is willing to change as you begin to change.
Remember, abuse is about power and control. Abusive relationships involve an individual powering over another, or a couple in a power struggle. A godly marriage is about submission to God and each other mutually. People who are habitually abusive behave that way to control others, and do not see others as their equal but devalue them as a person, or treat them as an object to be used for their self- gratification. We are made in God’s image and when we treat people in ungodly ways, and when we are treated in ungodly ways, it damages our souls in varying degrees as we begin to believe lies about ourselves, God and others. No one deserves abuse and we need God to mend our broken souls and heal us by a relationship through His son, through His Word, and through healthy relationships.
My heart goes out to you and I pray that you have found the support you need to make changes in your behavior and your life! I pray that you know your worth in Christ, your creator and savior! You don’t have to prove or earn your worth. You are worthy because Christ died for you, and you have a right to protect yourself and your soul from verbal and physical violence. Love in Christ, Hope Romans 5:1-2
(USA) What can a Christian man do when he married “dr. jekyl/hyde”? this man’s wife seems to hate him and has serious control issues and gets angry almost daily about anything and seems to be stimulated by hurling putdowns and challenging everything he says.
(UNITED STATES) Dear Linda, I feel heart sadness for you. I will pray for you continually. My son is in a very emotional and now physically abusive marriage. This pain you and others are suffering is beyond words. If you ever want to talk, just send me an email. God bless you, Nancy
(US) Yes I am in the same situation with my husband. I actually asked him if he hated me. He told me not to ask him that anymore. He calls me names, doesn’t spend money on me but wants me to give him all mine. He tells me he’s gonna get a younger woman. He bring chaos to the house on purpose and when I react to it he calls me crazy or he starts arguments. when I tell him how I feel I’m always wrong and he always right. He tells me he’s the boss and anything I say is disrespecting him, he stays gone for days and don’t call and if I call him he won’t answer. He’s never satisfied, the more you do the worse he gets. I told him he’s an abuser but he denies it and say I’m crazy.
(USA) That could be me writing that comment! To the T. Everything I do is wrong. Whenever I make a genuine mistake, I’m stupid. I’m the cause of all of our problems. He’ll get mad at me for no reason, yell at me and call me all kind of names and then get mad when I’m upset about it. Says I’m a grown woman and I shouldn’t cry and he’s sick of me. It’s not a big deal that he screams, yells, pushes me, etc. The problem is how I react to it! He says I’m crazy. That I’m mentally ill. All kinds of things. I’m dying inside.I would appreciate any comments that could help me.
It all sounds exactly like my situation….what should i do????
Rhonda! I’m in the same situation, from the day of marriage he changed, he made sure he showed how much he loves me by lusting & flirting right in front of me. I was 17 yrs old when I got married. He repeatedly told me what he did with his former sex partners. I believed in saving myself for marriage, which only God did. He believed otherwise. After having our first son he disrespected me and called me fat. I had to have c-section, didn’t bother to be there for me and our son. He called me trash, all sorts of names, and justified it and said he had to. Also, now he says he was the one that held/holds the marriage.
Double Wow, I truly believe he has guilt. He won’t admit it. One that causes turmoil in the relationship cannot be the one that holds the family together. He says I’m crazy all the time and told my son “take your mother to the mental hospital.” Wow! He would start a conversation of “do you know what’s wrong with you?” I for a long time I didn’t listen to what he said, but tried to do my best with my children. I showed him I love him, just enduring his behavior should have been enough, but I said nice things to him, made sure the house was clean but he didn’t acknowledge it. He didn’t care at all. So one day I went on the computer and and googled his behavior. The main one was him not caring for me/our children. To my suprise one diagnosis came up. And that was sociopath. It’s all about him. Doesn’t care about the other person’s feelings. Wow. I’ve repeatedly asked him to go with me to see a priest. He refuses. Signed, broken hearted (Leaving the marriage isn’t a option.)
(USA) I’m going through this now; my husband just keeps calling me fat. I’m so upset. I know I am heavy, but then why did he marry me? I just got my 2 yr old’s hair cut and he hit me for it because he said I don’t listen. He said no haircut. What do I do? I need a friend and I don’t have many these days, so I feel very depressed where I want to kill myself.
Shelly, Please prayerfully read through the articles we have posted in the topic of “Abuse in Marriage.” There is a lot of information you might find helpful to know and to implement. And go into the web sites we link to in the “Links” part of the topic to read more –possibly even contacting some of them to talk. They deal with situations you describe all the time. Hopefully, through this you will gain the courage to find a way to protect yourself from the abuse and put it to a stop. I hope so. I pray for you and also for your 2 year old because that child is watching what is being modeled in your home. He/she needs you to show some type of normalcy and not an abusive stance.
(USA) Shelly: Please don’t let the situation with your husband rob you of your self worth. You are a child of God and he created you perfectly and loves you so much. This web site has a list of resources…people you can call on for help. Please do not try to deal with this alone, ask God for His help.
I will pray for you. If you would like to listen to an encouraging song available on youtube (these always help me), please look up: “You’re Beautiful” by Mercy Me.
My husband constantly tells me how selfish I am and that I suck the life out of him. He screams at me about private marital issues in front of our kids. He screams and cusses at me and I continually feel like I am walking on eggshells. He usually apologizes but it happens over and over. He also criticizes my parenting, and my character.
(USA) Hi Shelley, Sorry to hear what you are going through in your marriage. It may be of small comfort but I did want to tell you that you are definitely not the only one.
I (and my husband) are currently healing from an abusive marriage (physically and verbally, which always translates to emotional abuse). There are still days where the verbal continues but they are fewer than ever before. They may not ever go away completely but in the process of us confronting the problem and doing something about it (instead of just praying and hoping it would go away; our church ultimately had to step in because my physical safety and my son’s was in doubt), my relationship with the Lord has changed and become so much stronger that when the angry behavior does come up, I handle it much differently than before.
I no longer feel a total lack of hope. Drawing close to the Lord is what helps us overcome but that’s not to say that other people’s problems don’t affect us at all or should be ignored, especially if they are serious ones.
I wanted to suggest to you to go to the comments on the "power of a praying wife" article page on this website. There are a LOT of women there in various stages of overcoming and struggle and there is probably a lot of information that you can use. Here is the link:
https://marriagemissions.com/the-power-of-a-praying-wife/ With love and prayers, LT
(SOUTH AFRICA) My husband and I cannot talk, it will always end up in quarrel. I have this obstacle when we associate with his family, there is always another woman which we both don’t know. He will then watch this woman from a distance the whole time and later he will start dancing with her while I am sitting there. When I want to speak with him he gets angry and tells me that I see things.
He also commented that when he dances with another woman that it does not mean anything. But this is a huge problem for me as I respect him, our marriage, and cannot see myself in some strangers arms dancing. I want to know if a married man is allowed to do this as I feel like a victim. Whenever I need to discuss this with him he never provides an answer but instead he raised his voice and says that I do not understand him as we have different backgrounds in the way we have been brought up. Please help!
(IRELAND) My husband was worse in the initial period of our marriage; he called me a lesbian, used my money and insulted my parents. He never showed concern when I delivered my baby girl. He insults me in front of friends. Can I ask one question, does your husband rub his private parts when gets phone calls from male friends? My husband does. I am not a lesbian, I am sure. He doesn’t like if I go to a party alone, even if it’s a farewell party at work. He said not to go alone. But he goes alone to his parties. I am worried about my kids. I want to die. I once did self harm. Please help me.
(CANADA) God will never leave you nor forsake you. We cannot rely on our husbands for our self worth. I would like to remind you that you are worth so much to God that He sent His only son to come from heaven to this sinful world. He lived a sinless life and overcame death on the cross. Believe me I can feel your pain and I too hear the lies that satan whispers in your ear, but I beg you turn your eyes from your broken husband and seek the king of Glory!!! May he open your eyes so that when you look back at your husband you will see nothing but mercy. Pain has the ability to refine us. I pray for help along your road of sanctification. Put on the full armor of God. Be blessed and bear His testimony!!!
(USA) ARE PEOPLE AWARE OF THE FACT THAT THEY ARE MENTALLY OR EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE? DO THEY KNOW THAT THEY ARE HURTING YOU AND JUST DON’T CARE, OR DO THEY NOT HAVE A CLUE AS TO HOW THEY ARE BEHAVING?
(USA) Can substance and alcohol abuse make a person become emotionally abusive? If they are not aware of how they are behaving, is there any way you can help them, especially if you can tell they are hurting also, because in the past, they, themselves, have been emotionally abused? Or is it all a lost cause trying to help? Are the people that are emotionally abusive set in their ways and aware of their actions and not willing or wanting to change?
This person does not display all the symptoms but does display signs. I want to help but not if I am being intentionally hurt and this person does not care. Someone, help me understand. I have no one to talk to and am very confused.
I don’t want to walk out on someone I love with all my heart and would do anything. But at the same time I am being destroyed emotionally and can’t allow anyone to reduce me to a puddle of tears, especially if they are aware of what they are doing. If they are not aware, then I would love to stand by their side and pull them through this.
Thanks to anyone that can help me.
(USA) Hi Amy – those are good questions. I live in an abusive marriage and it has been a struggle. There used to be physical abuse but we had an intervention (for my husband) for that part but since that time the verbal abuse has stayed the same, if not worsened (name-calling, threats of violence against me, etc).
Here’s what I will tell you from all the reading I’ve done (and I’ve done a LOT) as well as counseling I’ve received. Most of the models for abuse, in the counseling world, were actually developed originally based on families of addicts (alcoholics, etc.) Back in the days of "not talking about it" in the 50’s and 60’s, many of the abusive family situations involved alcoholics and so the models/ideas used to help victims of abuse stemmed from that.
I have 2 book recommendations for you that I highly recommend to you. They have played a tremendous role for me in helping me discern that yes, there still is a problem in my own marriage, as well as what some of my options might be to deal with the problem. I think it’s great that you are looking for a solution and not just to bail out – keeping your mind open to resolving the problem (not just walking out on it) is always a good place to be and I believe that is what is honorable to God (he doesn’t give up on us after all).
The 2 books are: Foolproofing Your Life: How to Deal Effectively with the Impossible People in Your Life
by Jan Silvious and Love Must Be Tough
by James Dobson. The second book I mention is geared toward marriages with infidelity but on the Focus on the Family website (Dobson’s organization) they actually suggest in one of the Q&A’s to use the same approach for abusive marriages (addiction symptoms and abuse symptoms are so similar that I’d say the same applies to you if you find that you are in an abusive marriage).
To discern what is really going on, you should do a lot of deep prayer. Ask the Lord for wisdom and discernment and He will give it to you. And also take a look at the abuse section of this site and click on the emotional/verbal articles that will help you more in determining if it describes your marriage or not.
Also – yes, most abusers (and addicts) tend to be in denial. There is nothing you can do to get them to see what they are doing. You can find a counselor for yourself to help you, if you know of a good Christian counselor. And then those 2 books have VERY good suggestions on dealing with someone who is difficult or in denial about a serious problem. Hope this helps. With love, LT
(SOUTH AFRICA) The Marriage Missions website has had a lot of positive effects on my marriage. My husband is emotionally abusive and we could not go through the whole day without him passing insults at me, bringing me down for either my parenting skills, my weight, my family or even my career.
I have prayed and prayed about it but I read one very good piece of advice that triggered the healing in my marriage. I started changing in the way I approached him and the way I viewed his emotional abuse and bad temper. I started seeing him as a God’s creature that needed my love and guidance. It hasn’t been easy but my husband is changing, he’s more supportive and he can notice when he is hurting my feelings.
We still have our ups and downs but I try to invite him to pray with me. When he is in a good mood I verbally transfer the knowledge I have gained from the site, just to share with him that this marriage is not ours anyway but God’s, that the way we treat each other is a reflection of how we view God.
Marriage is not an easy path but we have to invite the Holy Spirit to guide us for none of us is without fault. I hope this helps.
(USA) I have been with my husband for 22 yrs. He acts like his life is separate from mine. I tell him we’re in this together. I work nights; he works days. I only see him on weekends and he always makes plans without me. This really hurts me. He says I act like a baby because I don’t get my way. His time is his time.
He has a hobby of jumping mud puddles –his priority. Our house is falling down around us, and he won’t take the money to fix it. He’s not a young man. He is 61 yrs old. He knows how to do the work that needs done on our house, he just has his priorities mixed up. He won’t let me ask any questions and I have no say in what he does. I feel lonely and discouraged. Please help.
(INDIA) You don’t have to be discouraged Maddy. You’ve known him for 22 years and you’ve been together in almost everything & you’ve had your moments both good and bad. The important thing is that you’re still together and there for each other. If he has a hobby, dont be upset; he’s just replaced your absence gradually with what interests him in the form of games. Age won’t matter for one’s hobby, responsibility comes when you both start spending more time together and start caring for each other, rather than living like room mates.
I know we need money for a living, but money isn’t everything. You both have to sit and talk about what you’ve been missing and seek other sources of work so you can both spend quality time together. I know change is hard, but if you want a balance in marriage you need to think about it. Stop judging each other, and bring back that old spark that you used to have when things were better. Your age shouldn’t restrict you from doing anything as long as you’re leading a healthy life style. God’s children need to know that he is with us both in our sufferings & in our happiness. Our life isn’t perfect as humans; as Christians we need to restore things through prayer and mutual submission in love. May God bless you both. Keep praying…
(UNITED STATES) My wife and I recently separated because of drugs and abuse committed by both parties. My heart is completely broken. I married into a pretty tough situation. My parents bought us a house, and she has 3 kids that are pretty wild and were destroying the house. Also, we weren’t supposed to have animals until we owned the house straight out. My wife kept bringing home cats. The screens on the windows are shredded, from the cat wanting to come in and the children littered the house with food and crumbs until we finally had mice.
When I tried to discipline the kids and put them in their room, she would take great offense. At one point she even tried to stab me. I pleaded with her over and over and over to get rid of the animals and help me discipline the kids so they wouldn’t grow to hate me and see her as the protector. Also, we had severe drug problems. She would come home after work and lay on the couch and constantly make sarcastic, mean remarks towards me in front of the kids. Plus, I had my parents yelling at me because the house was getting ruined.
Last week, we had an argument and she called the police. I didn’t lay a hand on her but she told the police I did. Of course there were plenty of times where either of us could have legitimately had the other one arrested, but that night she straight lied. It broke my heart. I don’t know what to do. I love her sooooo much. Please, someone pray for us.
I don’t want another wife. Marriage is supposed to be forever. Her heart has grown hard. She said things like, Please leave me alone; I’m socializing on a level I never have before. I realize I became physical with her in response to her emotional abuse. Now she is so cold toward me. Please God, someone help me, pray for me. I want to be with her forever.
(USA) I feel so sorry for you. Your story really struck a cord; my husband and your wife would make a great couple. I too am married to an emotionaly abusive husband. My parents have turned their backs on me and will no longer speak to me because they just want me to leave him and that’s it. What people don’t understand is it’s easier said than done. I hope you are able to work out your issues. I have just about given up on mine.
(USA) Me too.
(USA) Hello dear, years ago I walked through abuse, in my first marriage. Now years later, I have remarried.
(UNITED STATES) You are in denial of your own shortcomings because you still blame her for your abuse. Until you can ask God to get you straight, you two should stay apart. There has been no work while you have been separated according to your writings. Clean up the drugs and reread your message how you are “only” trying to discipline the kids. Did you love them? I mean really love them through God? You can’t do it through drug use, as you said it was on both sides.
(SOUTH AFRICA) I have been reading all your stories. What most of us don’t realise is that the majority of the time when our spouses are being emotionally abusive, the cause has nothing to do with us at all. I’ve discovered (and I am still in an emotionally abusive marriage) that when my husband degrades me, insults me and lashes out at me, it is because he is disappointed in himself. So what does he do? He lashes at at those people who are closest to him. It isn’t right but it seems that is our human nature. We push people away when we actually need them the most.
So before asking "why me" or "what have I done to deserve this" – put yourself in your spouses shoes for a minute. Is it genuinely because of something you’ve done or is it because of some inner conflict and that they are disappointed in not being the person that God created them to be?
(USA) You hit the nail on the head
(USA) Cheryl, You speak much wisdom in what you are saying in your comment. It doesn’t justify a person’s behavior (which you know), but it does help explain what happens within some people. Sadly, they choose immature and wrong behavior when they do this, and unfortunately, the recipients suffer the most when they act in such a manner.
It’s the type of incident where the words of Christ ring true. "The meek shall inherit the earth." Meekness is strength under control. Those who unjustifiably lash out at others, show a weakness that will never bring them peace. They might feel smug for a while — which entertains the enemy of our faith, but never peace… and they certainly don’t inherit the blessings that God wants for them.
(SOUTH AFRICA) I am in a verbal and emotionally abusive marriage. My life is a mess since I got married. I honestly don’t see any good that has happened to me in the past 2 years of marriage. My husband is the most adorable person you can imagine. He is saved, knows the Bible back and forth, but he says words that really crush your spirit and so does his mom. he doesn’t trust me, he is financially struggling, but denies it and he doesn’t want me to work. Should I leave the house and come 5 minutes late he asks me if I am having an affair, ALL the time. It hurts me and I often think maybe I should do what he thinks I am doing.
I am a victim in my own house. I am not free at all. I was such a bubbly, happy person, but since I got married it’s different. I have prayed, I have read books and yes I have spoken to him and of course I’m the one who is wrong. I never scream at him, I will do all the wife’s duties but still I am in a sad marriage. I also had a fall out with his mom. She said very hurtful things to me which never in my life have I heard being said to a human being, by a pastor’s wife, of all people. I’ve asked God to help me forgive her, but I’m struggling to forget, let alone move on. I don’t even want to hear her name nor voice. It triggers the hurt. Do you think I need help?
(TRINIDAD AND TOBAGO) Please pray for my marriage to be restored.
(USA) Hi ~ I am new to this site, stumbled across it while searching desperately for some advice. I have a serious problem with my marriage… My husband and I have been together for almost 6 years. When we met he had a serious addiction to a particular pain narcotic, methadone. As our relationship grew more serious I asked him to try to get clean, which he knew was best.
As he began weaning himself off of it, he became very ill, which resulted in a serious car accident that almost killed him. He was in a coma for three weeks & had months of physical therapy. Needless to say when he recovered from the wreck he was clean. I told him MANY times that if he picked the addiction back up I would leave so fast his head would spin. Since then we have had 2 children and built a home and very healthly relationship, or so I thought.
We married about 6 months ago. I just found out that he has been using the same drug for over 8 months now. Yes, he married me KNOWING that if I knew the truth I would not be standing there. My initial reaction was to kick him out of the house until he was clean and discuss our future at that point. He has now come to me and confessed that he thinks he needs professional help getting clean, and that he is willing to do ANYTHING to save our marriage, so I agreed to let him stay in the house and I will help him seek rehabilitation.
I am more than willing to help him, but the feeling of betrayal and 8 months of lies and secrets absolutely overwhelms me, not to mention all the money he has spent that could have been food in our childrens’ mouths. The only thing that comforts me is knowing that even through a secret addiction and substance abuse he has never been unfaithful to me, and he would never and could never put me or our boys in harms way. I know he loves me and I don’t think I can live a life without him. I truly feel like he is my soulmate, but I can’t control my emotions when I think of all the times he looked right into my eyes and lied to me.
What do you think is the best way to help him, but at the same time protect myself & be cautious of the chance that he could break my heart again? We have a consultation with a rehab tomorrow, but as far as my heart-broken emotions and hope that we may be able to heal our marriage, I just don’t know where to begin….
(USA) I am new to this site and I don’t know how to start. I have been married for almost 8 years. My husband is emotionally and verbally abusive. I love him so much but I don’t know what to do. It’s kind of a weird relationship. I thought we could make it work but now I don’t think he wants to anymore. I don’t know what to do. I’m tired of the I love you so much, then the I hate you and I don’t want you anymore. I’m an emotional wreck and that makes him worse. Can anyone please help?
(CAN) I think you should tell him how you feel. I let him emotionally and somewhat physically abuse me for 12 years and finally when I stopped loving him I told him I had enough and wanted to leave. He started to cry and I felt guilty especially because we have 2 children together. Its been 7 years since I said that and I only slept with him twice. Oh, and he’s also been in jail for choking me… I still don’t love him and keep telling I am working on it. How do you love someone that tries to yell it in you at least every other day and now instead of hitting me? He damages the house, doors, puts holes in walls etc…
I try to tell him to back off for a while and get along with me so I can have nice thoughts about him. It’s not that he’s this evil person. Am I right to ask him this or am I wrong because I cant sleep with someone i dont love and most of the time dont want him coming home from work? There’s a lot more I can say… so before you get as sad and lonely and confused as I am please get help from someone. I can’t seem to leave, I want to but I can’t… If you love him sit him down and give him his ultimatums or if you’re afraid maybe you should talk to someone first and see if he will join later. Don’t end up like me I am a mess.
(UNITED STATES) I am in a very bad situation. My husband physically hurt me. We have been married for 11 years. I have three children, the 2 youngest are 25 and 27. My husband and I always fought about my children. I spoiled them and allowed behaviors I should not have allowed. My son stole from us for drugs, keyed my new car. I took him to doctors for help and spent 2 New Years Eves in E.R. with him due to his drug abuse. Once he and his wife moved out I gave them money for rent and bought food. My son was still doing drugs.
My daughter left our home when she turned 18 with settlement money from a car accident she was involved in when 16, that I sued a young girl for for running a red light. Both my daughters were hurt. my youngest took the 80,000 dollars and went on a cross country trip with her boyfriend and didn’t speak to me for a year. I had already paid her meal ticket at college, and room and board, and the money from the settlement was going to help with college.
From the beginning of my marriage to my husband, I allowed my children to do things I should not have allowed (a lot more than mentioned here). I think from the beginning, a family base was not formed and when my husband tried to advise or step in, my children just got angry and I was always in the middle.
Well, down to the hitting part now. My daughter just recently broke up with her boyfriend and asked to come home. Of course i said yes, she’s my daughter and so did my husband. I became afraid I guess, and not wanting to lose my daughter, put up the wall and wouldn’t let him advise or do anything. Well, we had a terrible fight and he hit me. I have loved this man with all my heart and my kids also and have always been in the middle. My children with the expection of my oldest daughter say if I take him back they will never be in my life.