Fight hard FOR your marriage, rather than fighting against it. That’s what we’ve told a lot of couples over the years. It’s something we continue to work on in our own marriage.
One of the ways we do this is by attending marriage events. This past week we attended the marriage event, “Love Worth Fighting For” with Kirk Cameron. (You may remember him from the movie, “Fireproof.”)
We’re going to tell you a few of the things Kirk shared with us. I’ll be summing up a lot of info into just a few of the things he said. But the following is a brief synopsis of it all. We pray it will minister to you.
Fight Hard FOR Your Marriage
Kirk brought out the point:
“Marriage is a school where you learn to die to yourself.”
This concept is based on Matthew 16:24-25. In it we’re told to deny ourselves, take up our cross and follow Jesus. This is even more important within marriage (which is a living picture of Christ’s love for the church). It’s been said that the one divorce that truly IS needed, is getting a divorce from our own selfish selves. This is SO true!
Kirk also challenged husbands and wives to look at our wedding rings as a continual visual reminder.
“Your wedding ring is a symbol that you signed up to serve your spouse.”
We’re told throughout the Bible to “serve one another.” Why not let your wedding ring remind you to serve your spouse? It’s more biblical than looking to be served.
Fight Hard Against the Pull of our Heart
Kirk made another great point. It’s based on the scriptures found in Jeremiah 17:9. “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?” Referring to these scriptures he said:
That’s why you don’t ‘follow your heart’ as the movie industry and the world tells us. It’s desperately deceitful and desperately wicked. … The only solution to the problems we see in marriage is genuine conversion to the Creator of the Universe within the heart.
Kirk continued:
You can learn all of the marriage advice in the world, but if you don’t make a supernatural turn, and change in your heart, none of it will work. When you start with God, things will change. The first step in helping a marriage is getting right with God.
Fight Hard in Love:
Kirk cautioned us not take on the job of the Holy Spirit. We can HELP our spouse and speak the truth in love. But we can’t ultimately change him or her. As Kirk said:
“God reserves the privilege of changing your spouse Himself.”
No matter what problems we’re having in our marriage, we need to release them to God. Then we need to do whatever He shows us. “We want to get better in our marriage, not bitter, which can happen over time.” We become bitter when we don’t work hand in hand with God.
Kirk talked about working on our “stuff.” He said:
You get your stuff right before God. Then you can trust God to use you as a vessel to help you minister to your spouse.
Fight Hard Against Your Sin Nature
On this point, Kirk talked about his own marriage, and the fact that it/he isn’t perfect. He says,
My marriage has been on the receiving end of my failure to deal with my own sin. … I need to rip it from my heart.
That is a job we all should be working on throughout our lives and our marriages. We both confess to the same failures.
He talked about showing our spouses love. But here’s a summary that God agrees with. After all, we’re told in the Bible in 1 Corinthians 13:13, “Now faith, hope, and love abide… but the greatest of these is love.” As Kirk said:
Love him more; love her more.
Lastly:
The singer Warren Barfield also partnered with Kirk to help marriages. He was both funny and is VERY talented. This was such a fun addition to this event. Here’s the song he wrote, and then sang in the movie “Fireproof” and also sang at the marriage event:
At this event, Warren spoke about how good his marriage is today. It wasn’t always that way. They also had to fight hard to get their marriage to a good place. With this in mind, he said:
We don’t have a great marriage because we’re good at pretending. [They weren’t for quite a while.] Our marriage is good because we quit pretending, and began confessing the need for help. When we did that and when you do that, God can begin to do a work in your marriage that is ‘very good.’
He then asked, “What if we decide to fight as hard FOR our marriage as we fight against it?”
We agree! Do you?
Cindy and Steve Wright
— ALSO —
Here are a few more articles that will help you to fight hard for your marriage:
• FIGHTING FOR YOUR MARRIAGE – MM #269
• A MARRIAGE WORTH FIGHTING FOR – MM #90
Filed under: Marriage Insights
I have tried all. But my husband doesn’t want to talk. He said it’s me that’s the one that needs to change. I pray and cry and pray but he tells me that I’m the darkness. He loves God but he mistreats me and the kids. Why?
Mercedes, I’m not sure why your husband is acting his way, but he sure isn’t “walking in the light” if he treats his wife with such contempt and mistreats you and the kids. You can’t love God and mistreat His children… he is VERY deceived in thinking he can and that he is okay and you aren’t. He REALLY needs prayer, and God’s mercy. I’m reminded of Jesus when He told the Pharisees who weren’t acting as God would have them, that they were “white washed tombstones.” It’s recorded in Matthew 23:27 that Jesus told them, “Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of the bones of the dead and everything unclean.” Just because you say you love God, doesn’t mean that you really do. Again, you don’t hurt God’s children and say that you love God (and really do in reality). Words are empty when they aren’t followed up by actions.
As I read your comment, I thought of the movie, War Room. I don’t know if you have seen it or not, but I HIGHLY recommend that you do. You can find it on Netflixs (I’m not sure what the equivalent is in Germany) and also in bookstores that sell movie, or on line at the link I put into this reply. I highly recommend you pray for your husband and for your marriage as Elizabeth Jordon did in the movie. Your husband is absolutely disillusioned and needs your prayers. He needs it, and so does your marriage.
I pray for strength for you to wage this battle for his spiritual life. He is deceived and needs God’s light to lead him to be a better man, husband and father. May God give you strength and insight. “May the Lord direct your heart into God’s love and Christ’s perseverance.” (2 Thessalonians 3:5) “And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ —to the glory and praise of God.” (Philippians 1:9-11)
My husband of 19 years walked out on me 3 months ago and he doesn’t want to come back. I am devastated. I don’t know what to do. I pray and ask God to change me and also to guide my husband and come between any woman trying to get between my husband and I.
I am praying for you!
Just prayed for you, Brenda.
There is a support group around the US called Divorce Care. It does include spouses that are separated. I have been attending the group near my home since Sept. 2016. It has been extremely helpful and hopeful. Just look up your local group online.
Worthy, thank you.
My wife of 9 years is seeking a divorce. We have been separated for 3 months now. When I thought we were supposed to be working on our marriage, she developed a relationship with another man. She claims she is in love with him and she is not cheating because in her mind our marriage was over months ago. I have prayed and prayed and prayed and she is dead set on divorce and plans to meet with a divorce lawyer tomorrow. We have two little boys that are 6 and 3. I am so afraid to lose my wife and my family split up.
I have not been a good husband with showing her love. I have dove into God’s word and seek him hourly. She says she is closer to God now than she has ever been. However, she has no interest in ending this emotional affair with this other man. I’m devastated and need a miracle to bring her back to our marriage.
Ben, How very sad I am for you and your little boys, and your wife. She is disillusioned. There is NO WAY that she can be “closer to God than she has ever been” with the path she is taking. If she is, then one of 2 things are possible. 1. She never really had much of a relationship with God in the first place. Just because we SAY or we LOOK like we have one, it doesn’t mean that there is a real heart connection–a 2-way relationship where she talks with God and He talks with her–that she is in love with Jesus Christ and isn’t afraid to say so. We can say we have a close relationship, but it can all be smoke and mirrors, in reality. We create the relationship the way we think it should be and God is more of a picture frame we hang on the wall of our life, claiming He is ours, but He really isn’t.
-OR- 2. She is completely disillusioned. There is ABSOLUTELY no way God would lead a woman to have an emotional affair while she is still married (whether you were a good husband or not) and drag her kids into this type of situation. God does not condone cheating of any type. So please don’t buy that. Don’t lecture her about it either, though–you’ll just cause more problems. She will be on the defensive and work all the harder to show you that she is right and you are wrong. Pray for her and let God be God in this. He is her Holy Spirit, and you are not. Pray, believe, seek the Lord on your own (with or without her), and trust God that He will talk to her.
Ben, I don’t know the type of husband you were. She may have good reason to want to get away from you. But you don’t have to stay as that type of husband, man, or father. I believe God is giving you a wake up call in your life. This is not the type of man you should be, and deep down, you know it. This is not the type of person He created you to be. Your little boys are watching you. Show them how a good man lives. Show them what a good man does when his marriage is close to being split apart. They may not be aware of it all at this point, but as they grow older, they will, and they need that. Seek the Lord, Ben. Do it because God is calling you to do so. We need good men. God wants you to be a good man and you cannot be one apart from Him. Yes, you can be better, from the world’s standpoint than many, or even most, but you will never be as good as God created you to be. So, don’t just dive into God’s word to save your marriage (which is also a good reason), but do it because God is seeking your heart to seek His. Whether your wife gets back into the marriage now, later, or never… do it anyway. It’s the right thing to do for you and your sons too. Make PERMANENT good changes.
Please read this article again. Also, go into then linked article near the end (Marriage Message #90: A Marriage Worth Fighting For). You will see in that article that God didn’t and doesn’t give up on His marriage to His bride. I have a feeling that He was seeking your heart long before now, but you weren’t listening. Fight FOR Your Marriage. Read God’s word, get into fellowship with other Bible-living men, and prayerfully take advantage of the links we put into that article.
Become a student of God’s… a student of marriage… and a student of your wife. Even if she does file (which I hope she doesn’t), don’t let that stop you from being a man after God’s heart to fight for his marriage God’s way. We have a lot of articles on this web site that can help you in this mission. Look around, and look at all of this as a graduate study that you signed up for (which essentially you did when you married–you just didn’t take it as seriously as you should have). Take it seriously now. The rest of your life, your boy’s lives, and your wife’s life will be changed in positive ways if you take your vows seriously, and apply yourself to learning what you need to now. I hope you will and pray for you and your marriage and family. May God lead, strengthen, and help you as you put your hand into His to guide you.
Cindy, Thank you so much for your response. It’s amazing to me that without you even knowing all the details, how spot on you are. The things I have done as a husband are me being selfish and putting my needs before hers. I was not living for God by getting into porn and alcohol. I never cheated on her (although she views porn as adultery) and have never hurt her physically. I have since changed all this. I have gotten very close to God. I don’t drink. I don’t look at porn anymore and I have loved her even though she has tormented me for 3 months by telling me she doesn’t love me and has brought up EVERY wrong thing I have done over 9 years.
She has also told me she is in love with this other guy and she has no interest in ending the relationship. She is mad at me because I won’t agree to do a “collaborative divorce”. I have told her that I can’t stop her from divorcing me, but I wasn’t going to agree to it either. The more loving I am to her, the more spiteful and cruel she is to me. She is so dead set on divorce that there is nothing I can do. She has giving me no hope for 3 months now. Thanks again, Cindy.
Ben, It’s very typical of women to push someone away that we believe has hurt us, even if we truly want them near us. We’ll get meaner, and meaner about it, even if our feelings are conflicted. Go figure… women are complicated. Just stay the course… hopefully, time will eventually be your friend. Keep being a faithful man and hopefully, she will eventually notice. This other guy will eventually show that he isn’t as “perfect” as she may think he is. Any man who would go after a married woman, has his flaws, believe me! Read the other articles –standing for your marriage, and go into the Pornography and Cybersex topic to read what is there, as well. I’m proud of you (and so is my husband) that you stopped drinking. That could be a “biggie” to her. You’re doing well, even if it doesn’t seem like it. The fact that you are making her file, and aren’t agreeing to a “collaborative divorce” has to be really bugging her. But you are doing the right thing. Hopefully, over time she will see this.
Also, one last thing occurred to me. We have an article posted that talks about the “love” you can have for another person. We highly recommend you read it because it could give you a glimpse into what you are fighting. You can find it at: https://marriagemissions.com/choosing-spouse-lover-love/. –Hope this helps.
Wow! That article is EXACTLY how it has been throughout all of this. She has changed into a different person. She isn’t spending time with our boys as much as she has. When we got married she was against divorce and infidelity. Lately she has made comments like, “God will forgive me for divorcing you.” Or, “Our boys will be better off in the long run as long as we handle this divorce the right way.” As I mentioned when we started this separation she was all for trying to find ways to better our marriage. About a month ago, she was full speed ahead toward a divorce which is when the relationship with this other guy has peaked. Thanks again, Cindy! This article really made me see what she is experiencing. I just hope and pray that she realizes all this before it’s too late.