“Forbidden fruit makes bad jams.” That’s a short sentence that says a whole lot! Grabbing onto “forbidden fruit” brings with it many complications. Here at Marriage Missions, we receive hundreds of emails and comments each year that attest to the truth of that statement. Innocent hearts and lives are absolutely torn apart because of the bitterness THEY are forced to swallow, because of an unfaithful spouse.
Forbidden fruit is so very tempting —especially when your defenses are down because of discontent in your marriage. But it’s “forbidden” for a reason —some of them are evident right away, such as the fact that God says, “thou shalt not” and to “flee.” When you go against God’s ways, watch out! You’re literally playing with fire.
Other consequences are not as evident —at least not right away. As with the Featured Video, “David’s Dark Secret Addiction” and as it’s stated in my last blog, “Pornography —Hijacking the Brain” and all that is exposed in the “Pornography and Cybersex” topic, what sometimes seems to be “harmless” in the beginning, isn’t. There’s the excuse, “It’s just men being men and boys being boys.” But it isn’t so funny when the fire they played with, got out of control.
Other Forbidden Fruits
There are other types of “forbidden fruit,” which, once indulged in, burns innocent victims. My husband Steve and I have family members, which we’ve repeatedly cried with and mourned with. Their spouse decided to abandon their wedding vows and have taken up with others.
Children are truly the innocent victims in all of this as they watch their parents tear their homes and their lives apart. It’s all because one spouse didn’t have the strength of character to stay faithful. I have nieces and nephews that are emotionally scarred because of unfaithful parents.
In my own home, as a teenager, my father abandoned us to live with another woman for a period of time. I can’t even start to tell you what it did to my heart. It cause damage in my trust for men, and in the hearts of my three siblings.
Deep Wounds
I know deep in my soul, that the day my dad left, dragging my brother and I out to the car, as we were hanging onto his legs begging him not to leave, was the beginning of the end of my brother’s life. He was never the same. Something broke within him. As a young teenager he began a life of trying to numb his emotions through alcohol and drugs. He and I talked about it repeatedly.
Several years ago he died because of the physical complications of this type of behavior. I will grieve for the rest of my life knowing that when my one parent made the choice to taste of “forbidden fruit” we will taste the bitterness of that choice for the rest of our lives. I GREATLY miss my brother.
Of course, this doesn’t happen in all families where unfaithfulness happens. But it did in mine and I know it happens in other homes, as well.
It’s not that we haven’t forgiven what was done to us, but there are natural consequences that are put into play. I’m talking about the way in which a “jam” occurs in the natural flow of family life and how the effects go on and on and on, beyond childhood.
Despite Temptations
In your tempting moments, please, please, please, look for ways of escape. And then please take it. Not only are you doing the right thing for yourself, but for others around you. We are not islands unto ourselves. Cheating has a way of spreading its evilness into other lives, as well.
PRESERVE your integrity and look for other healthy ways to express the love you feel you have inside that needs attention. Flee, run, and guard your heart. Look for healthier ways to work out the discontent you may feel in your marriage (if that is the case). Live your life as a person of integrity, rather than one who gives into momentary passions.
“When we do wrong, we set in motion a cycle of complications” (Chuck Swindoll).
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this blog.
Filed under: Marriage Blog
(USA) Thank you for speaking up for the children who are innocent victims in adultery. I am still feeling ripple effects from my grandparents mistakes! It’s heart wrenching when people put their wants and compulsions above the needs of their spouse and children.
What is heart wrenching is the cold, callused spouse who drives out their spouse by their abject failure to provide the affection their spouse so desperately needs. Desperation always leads to choices that would not be considered if desperation was not present. The shouts of adultery at a desperate spouse may be true, but ring hollow. Where are the shouts at the spouse who precipitates the desperation? Why there aren’t any! Only showers of love and support from a Church…
The hypocrisy is sickening. Sorry this inconvenient truth is posted here. Years of pain, suffering, rejection and unfulfilled marriage vows matter not, the spouse who did these things is showered with Church love and affection. Christians actually wonder why spouses forced into adultery, rarely return to any Church? Don’t they need and want redemption? The fast answer is from who? You have to be kidding right?
We do not need a Church to have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ or seek his forgiveness. Some very serious soul searching on this matter needs to take place in our Churches. Is it any wonder women far out number men in Church these days? It is just gutless not to post this, choosing not to think about it, perhaps it is even wicked.
You are right about the fact that there are many things that go on behind closed doors that are wrong. One spouse should not deny the other (except in abusive situations). We work hard to try to wake up spouses to NOT withdraw affection and such. It is plain out wrong. But that never, ever excuses adultery. “Two wrongs don’t make a right” as the old saying goes that is very true.
I sense in what you wrote that you have been very deeply hurt by your spouse withdrawing affection, and more. For that I am truly sorry. I mean that with my whole heart. One spouse should not do that to another spouse. But even so, please don’t allow yourself to believe the lie that because you hurt so badly, solutions to cheat and do that which you should not, are acceptable. They are not.
I did not mean to infer that two wrongs make it right. Laws that make ending sexual abuse in a marriage by divorce financially intolerable are what leaves a male spouse incarcerated in a celibate life.
The combination of church apathy and legal aggressiveness puts a male spouse at the mercy of their non performing spouse relative to remaining in the marriage or seeking physical and emotional care they need without losing a lifetime of hard work trying to keep their sanity.
The inability to recognize this key difference with biblical times is a major failure of the Church which makes male spouse adultery understandable but not acceptable.
The Church has failed to grasp this fundamental difference or power shift to female spouses from biblical times and have no real method to seek out this sin and correct it. Unfortunately that leaves adultery as the only place for a desperate male spouse to go. Yes it is wrong, but alternative is the Church really offering to attack the sin failure in marriage vows by the female spouse? Divorce is not a viable answer because of the state laws. This is a huge challenge, male church attendance will continue to drop as a result of this problem. The Church only supports the female spouse when it finally becomes too much for the male spouse, he can’t wait forever, denying his physical needs without permanent damage. Female spouses of some education know this. The whole situation is sinister.
It is also important to remember that this situation is often the other way around, with the wife looking outside of her marriage for emotional and physical intimacy. Marriage is under attack. We are in a battle. If more churches recognized this fact and were able to promote transparency to enable those bringing words of hope and help and healing to step into the lives of struggling couples… it would be so good. But sadly, we are all so busy and transparency is so lacking… so those struggling marriages suffer and many fail. That’s why ministries like that of Steve and Cindy are so tremendously valuable!
I concur completely with your post. Their ministry gave those of us a voice we never had.
What about when a wife or husband let themselves go physically or they stop trying to dress up in a attractive manner the way they used to do early in their relationship? Example: from high heels and short skirt to oversized sweat pants and t-shirt and no make up. Husband: terrible hygiene and weight gain.
I was exposed to hardcore porn at the age of 7 back in the 60s. And because of this my sex life was extreme. To me if it wasn’t dirty or perverse it wasn’t fun. Plus I had no problem attracting beautiful women who were like minded. What I’m trying to say is the damage is deep rooted. After becoming a Christian this struggle has been an up hill battle. What is normal to some is boring to me. I love role playing in the bed room. In the beginning so did my wife. Then menopause took hold of her. She had that surgery where they removed something because she was anemic. Now I’m left with a strong sex drive with no partner. I prayed and prayed for the last 7 years with no help. Very frustrating. Trying very hard to be faithful.