The following is a true testimony written by Nancy Anderson edited from the excellent book, Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome
Despite all she had done, her husband graciously agreed to do so. When she called her parents and gave them a tearful confession of what had happened, her parents affirmed their love for both of them and expressed interest in helping them rebuild their marital relationship.
After traveling a long distance to their home this is what Nancy wrote:
We arrived at my parents’ home late in the evening. After a lot of hugs and a few tears, we went into their family room. After the usual small talk, my Dad spoke the unspoken. “What’s your plan?”
My husband, Ron, leaned forward and said, “Plan? Plan for what?”
“You two are going to have to figure out why your marriage fell apart, how to fix it, and how to make sure it doesn’t happen again.”
Ron replied, “Well, I don’t know if we need to do all that. I don’t even want to talk about what she did. It’s too painful. Nancy’s back home now — we’ll just move on from here.”
Dad continued, “It doesn’t work that way. If you rebuild a house on a cracked foundation, it might be all right for a while; might even feel solid and stable. But when the storms come, the crack will split the house. And the Bible tells us that a house divided won’t stand. If you don’t repair the foundation of your marriage, it won’t survive. The memory of Nancy’s betrayal and the guilt you’ll force her to carry will be unbearable—for both of you. I don’t think you’ll be able to move on until you, Ron, make one of the most important decisions you’ll ever make.”
“What decision is that?”
“Has Nancy told you she’s sorry for what she’s done?”
“Yes, she has apologized to me several times.”
“Did she ask you to forgive her?”
“No, not in those exact words.”
Asking for Forgiveness
Dad turned to me and continued, “When you tell someone you’re sorry, it’s very different from asking for their forgiveness. Your ‘sorry-ness’ is your decision. But when you ask someone to forgive you, that’s their decision. It’s difficult because it gives all the power to the other person.”
“That’s a scary thought,” I said, without meaning to say it aloud.
Then he spoke to Ron, who looked confused and apprehensive. “When you forgive someone, you make a choice to banish the offense from your mind and your heart. Jesus said that after He forgives us, our sins are as far away as the East is from the West. In other words, they are pardoned. Not because we’re not guilty, but because we are. Our pardon is undeserved — it’s a gift to us from God.”
He continued, “If you decide to forgive Nancy, you can never use her sin against her. God will give you the strength to start a new life together. If you choose not to forgive, if you want to hold on to the pain, or punish her, and keep her wound open, that will be your choice. But if you choose that, I don’t think you’ll stay married. You have biblical grounds to divorce her, but you don’t have to. It is your decision. I want you both to pray about what I’ve said, and make your decision. We will continue this conversation in the morning.”
Met Again
After a long and restless night, we met again. The three of them were sitting at the kitchen table, waiting for me. I felt like the adulterous woman wearing the Scarlet Letter on the way to her hanging. If Ron would not forgive me, the noose would tighten around my neck and the floor would seem to drop away. I was completely at his mercy.
Avoiding eye contact, I sat directly across from Ron. I asked my dad, “How do we do this? I want to ask Ron to forgive me, but what do I say?”
“If you’ve decided to ask Ron’s forgiveness, tell him what you want to be forgiven for, and then simply ask him the question. Ron will decide whether to forgive you or not. You ask; he answers. It’s the simplest thing you two will ever do — and the hardest.”
Ron had his head down so I couldn’t read his eyes. I thought, “What if I ask Ron for mercy and he denies me? What am I going to do if he starts to lecture me or list off all my sins?”
Asking
I looked over at my sweet, wounded husband and saw the wide-eyed face of a frightened twelve-year-old boy. I spoke quickly so that I wouldn’t lose the safety of the moment. “Ron, I’ve betrayed you mentally, spiritually, and physically. I’ve lied to you and deceived you. I have no defense, no excuses. I’ve sinned against God and against you. Can you — will you please forgive me?”
He leaned forward, never letting go of my eyes. The little boy was gone as my strong and confidant husband took my hands in his and said, “Nancy, we’ve both done and said terrible things to each other. Our marriage was a mess — and a lot of it was my fault. But I take a stand today to change all that. You have betrayed me, but I choose to forgive you.”
We both began to cry and our tears mixed with divine love that flowed through the room. Our hearts were knit together—as one. We began again with a new, solid marriage foundation.
Sought Advice
After we made the decision to reconcile and reform our marriage, we immediately sought advice from many different sources. We went to a Christian marriage counselor, who helped us learn to communicate more effectively. We also read several books about “starting over” and attended some marriage retreats and workshops.
One of the most important things we did was join a wonderful church and faithfully attend worship services and adult Sunday school classes. We received solid biblical teaching from a godly pastor, and we acted on his instruction.
The transformation was a slow process. We’d developed many destructive habits, and some of them took years to die. We decided to stay together and act lovingly toward each other, and eventually our feelings caught up with our actions. We learned that married love is not a feeling. It is a decision — and we decided to love each other.
Since our reconciliation in 1980, we’ve completely rebuilt our marriage. We had to destroy the old foundation—selfishness—and rebuild upon the rock—Jesus. We used a perfect blueprint—the Bible—and now our home stands firm.
Also, we also created a new landscape for our marriage, planting hedges around it for protection. What are hedges? Hedges are boundaries. In Mark 12:1 Jesus said, “A man planted a vineyard and set a hedge around it.” First, the man planted a vineyard. Think of your marriage as a vineyard. You “planted” it the day you said, I do.
Next:
The man in the parable placed a hedge around his vineyard. Why? Several reasons: to protect it from intrusion by animals and thieves; to keep his vines inside his vineyard; and to separate his territory from his neighbor’s.
A hedge makes the statement, “Private Property, No Trespassing.” The symbolic hedges around our marriages serve the same purposes. As married couples, our goal, as co-owners of our vineyard, is to keep the good things in —and the bad things out.
I also refuse to entertain the stray thoughts anymore. Instead, I replaced them with images of the new life that Ron and I were building. I also discovered that encouraging others with our story of restoration gave a purpose to our pain. This summer, we will celebrate our 27th wedding anniversary and I’m thrilled to tell you that our marriage is strong, loving, and healed.
Adapted from the book, Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome
Author Nancy Anderson and her husband, Ron, conduct couples’ retreats and marriage seminars to help others to predict, prevent or pardon infidelity. You can read more from Nancy at NancyCAnderson.com.
Filed under: Surviving Infidelity
(USA) My husband and I are having some marriage problems and we decided to separate. One week after I left, he slept with another woman that he picked up from facebook.
He did ask me to forgive him and we are back together working on our marriage, but the pain is still there. I can’t stop thinking about him touching this other woman. I feel so hurt and betrayed. When we got married he told me that he’ll never go outside of his marriage. He lied to me… Just because we were having marriage problems doesn’t give him a reason to go outside of his marriage. How do I forgive him? How do I stop thinking about him putting his hands on another woman?
(USA) It’s going on two years for us and it’s not gone. Don’t believe it ever will be. People that cheat are weak, insecure and selfish. They refuse to honor boundaries and do not think of other, even God or their children, just what they want at the moment.
I would never separate because guys tend to be spiteful and do just that. I asked my husband for a divorce yers ago when he seemed to behave worse and at 44, full blown mid-life and a chick looking for any engineer that would give her money, buy he things, fill her gas tank. He was her cash cow all along but the last 12 days of their association, it’s happened or he tried. The sight of her deflated him and she confirms it calling him “LD” but after I caught him, he was even angrier and went and tried again. A little more success but still, no.
Small town, you should hear what he says of her but then he listened to her do that to her husband, sister, brother. Cannot be surprised! And in this small town, she humiliates him, always has. That is what the devil does. Has at least one incurable STD. I pray he is really grateful to God.
I knew God had a huge reason behind all this and when husband was subpoenaed against her by her ex, it was all crystal clear and she lost EVERYTHING. The sake of her 3 year old which I still believe is in danger. Praying the judge will see her hard drive…
He was over there after work listening like he cared, her few think boxed up in a $300k house, she may make $10 now. She says she never wanted sex with him and says really horrible things about him. That’s why it took 10 days and a handful of her sedatives right in front of him and you should see her. She goes after dirty old men and she knew early on he was one and would do anything. This began in 05 but I believe what he told me of it all now. I lost 45 pounds in 5 weeks and it nearly killed me, all of us. The devil knocked on our front door and my husband welcomed him in and held us down as we were attacked. God is not done with anyone. We have have such deep depression and the Bible speaks of all of that. Even my 10 year old has been depressed.
Dr. David Clarke’s book, “I Don’t Want a Divorce” helped us both as does this site. Please keep reading. The devil is hard at work destroying all God loves. I wish I had words to help you, it is the worst thing I’ve ever been through even though he’s truly repentant. I nearly ended my life more than once. Please just hang on and cling to the LORD and His Word. Love and prayers.
(AUSTRALIA) I’m in the same situation; my wife committed adultery while I was away working overseas. Only one relative saw what she did? And it happened in my parent’s house while my parents were not there. Now I’m looking for the solution because at this point my parents are very angry with her and my home town…they know what happened. I’m seeking for the right decision.
(USA) I got divorce papers from my wife last week. We’ve been married only four years and we were separated for a year prior to her submitting the divorce papers. She wants me to give my signature so she so we can complete the divorce.
During the first 8 months of our 1 year separation we did not communicate. During the last 4 months of our separation we gave some effort at reconciling. She said she was done with counselling, marriage conference, marriage mentors etc.
During the first 4 months of the marriage I had a couple of angry outbursts during the arguments. I said some hurtful things to my wife. Then I went to anger management and got serious about dealing with my anger. Subsequently, I stopped the yelling, and naming calling. Although, I had stopped the behavior and apologized, Three even four years into the marriage she was still refering to the anger outburst I had in the first 4 months of the marriage.
Futher, she never seems to have any contribution to the conficts we were having. She was foisting all the blame on me. I was an easy target since my anger outburst were so glaringly wrong. BUt somehow I knew deep down it did not make sense that I should bare all the blame for the problems in our marriage.
Unfortunately, all of the counsellors we went to bought into her way of thinking. Each of them took her side almost completely. They seemed to conclude if she did anything bad it was because of me. ??? They focused on her hurts and my offenses. They seemed more like her advocate than an impartial mediator. I kept hoping for an objective counsellor that could steer BOTH of us toward reconcilation thru adhering to Godly principles. I really felt alone.
Here is a quote from one of her last communications to me: She said, “I really can’t do it. I refuse to confess my sins to someone whom I have hurt; after he’s hurt me 3 times worse than I ever hurt him”.
All thru the marriage I percieved her to be prentending as if she had no contribution to our problems because she almost never confessed any wrongs she had done. In the end she finally admitted that she would never admit her part because my part was worse. For 4 years we went to counsellors and she pretended to be seeking reconciliation, as long as I was only one who was confessing my sins.
No one ever stopped to confront her about her contribution since they were so focused on defending her. I realized finally that the reason we went from counsellor to counsellor but we gainned very little resolution was that she was not ready to forgiveness me nor was she ready confess her own part.
Now, I am wondering where do I go from here? Am I resign to living single for the rest of my life? Do I wait on my wife another few years even thogh she is clearly done with this marriage?
(USA) My husband and I have been married for over 5 years. On the outside, everything seems perfect. Many don’t know that he has been physically and emotionally abusing me…making me feel as if I am a child. In return, I chose to have an affair with someone on my job and I feel absolutely horrible. The shame and embarrassment from it all is overwhelming. I have asked God to forgive me, but I still feel broken and unworthy. I have begged my husband to forgive me and will do anything to make it better, but he doesn’t want to let go of it or try to rebuilt, yet he says he doesn’t want me to leave. I feel so bad I don’t know what to do with myself. I know I have to get better because I am the sole provider for our son. My husband doesn’t contribute much to the needs of my son. I need God in the worst way but feel to ashamed and unworthy to reach out to Him…
I know yours is an old post but I hope anyone coming here will read this and know what to do. You should not stay with a husband who is physically or emotionally abusing you, especially if you have children. What you did was wrong but as Christians we are bound to forgive others their debts…else the Lord will not forgive US our debts. But no matter what you have done he has no right to hit you or disrespect you. To be honest, it sounds like he is using your guilt to manipulate you. He doesn’t want you to stay but he doesn’t want you to go. In this you have to be WISE. There is a child there who stands to be traumatized by the sin going on in your home. It will have a devastating effect on him and leave him wide open to attacks by the devil. One wise man put it this way:
“The nearest thing to heaven on this earth is the Christian family and a home where husband and wife, parents and children, live in love and peace together for the Lord and for each other. The nearest thing to hell on earth is an ungodly home, broken by sin and iniquity, where parents bicker, quarrel, and separate, and children are abandoned to the devil and all the forces of wickedness.”
Do not walk, RUN. This is not a decision you can leave up to a man who manipulates and abuses you. Do it for the sake of your children and the sake of your relationship with the Lord. As long as you remain in that situation you are allowing that man to continue in his sin against you. The consequences will destroy all involved.
(SOUTH AFRICA) I found out my husband was having an emotional affair with a Muslim woman for 4 years. This was a year ago. I am a Christian and have stayed in the marriage but it has been the most devastating year of my life. I cannot even begin to describe the pain he has caused in my life.
Everybody seems to conveniently ignore the verse where Jesus said divorce is not allowed for reasons of adultery… No one mentions this verse. I believe Jesus knew what it was like to be betrayed and deceived by someone you love and who claims to love you. I have been completely disillusioned with marriage. I am staying for my children. My husband doesn’t deserve us.
(US) Thank you for this story and majority of these comments. I have been in both situations. I had an emotional affair outside of my marriage a few years back (which has been over for sometime and no contact has been made) due to what I believed to be lack of emotional support from my husband. He has since confessed to having an emotional and physical affair over the last few months with a woman he works with. While he has ended his affair as well, he still works with the woman.
I being raised in a very Christian household, turned directly to the Lord and the Bible for guidance. He is slower to do so although he is trying and I see his efforts daily. I have already forgiven him and asked him for forgiveness for my affair. The ending of his affair is VERY new (just a week) but he has made necessary steps to end it and has had no contact besides visual with her. I have also made the choice to forgive her as she also knew me and that he was married with 2 small children at home. I sympathize with both of them to an extent as they are experiencing a loss of a friendship/lover. But I have maintained that I cannot allow contact between the two of them.
This webpage and the comments have given me a renewed sense of faith that our marriage (as long as both parties are willful) can endure this and be stronger in the long run. I am aware of the long hard road that is ahead and I am willing to walk it barefoot if needed, to regain the trust and love we once shared. Thank you for this posting and I pray daily for renewed strength.
(USA) I’m glad you guys are working on your marriage. Don’t give up. God hates divorce!!!
(USA) I’m the husband dealing with my wife being unfaithful for over 5 months with a coworker. I found out by reading her e-mails and sent them to her at work asking if this was over or not. The other issue was she’s pregnant; they did a blood test and found out it was mine but still. This just came to light 12/15/12 and it’s now 1/24/13. I decided to forgive her and we are trying to work things out we are in counseling and going to a marriage encounter.
I pray every day for helaing, help and forgiveness for both of us. She told me she loves me but isn’t in love with me, which kills me. I’m presently trying to reach her heart and try to rikindle the love and show her, I’m here for her. But to be honest, I’m not getting a lot in return. I guess I figured she would be going out of her way to show me her love but, I’m not seeing it. I’m feeling empty inside and my heart is hurting.
I don’t know what else to do. We’re going to church, counseling and a marriage encounter. I have a hard time keeping the thoughts of her with someone else out of my head and dealing with all the lying. I’m really hurting inside. I love my wife and want to be with her. Please tell me this empty, sad feeling will pass in time for my sake, and our children’s sake.
So sorry Dave, that you are having to go through this. My heart hurts for you and for your family. It will affect every one of you in some way or another, and for that, I am sad for you.
I have no doubt that this past month has been a type of living hell. And I sure don’t want to minimize it. It’s got to be tougher than you could have ever imagined it to be. Keep in mind though, that this is something that rips apart the heart of the one who was betrayed. In this case, it is you. And whenever there is a deep wounding –one of that depth, it will take a LONG time to heal. It’s a multi-layered healing. And yes, the “sad feeling” can pass with time (even though you will never be the same). It would be especially helpful if your wife could participate in helping you to heal by showing remorse and loving you, to help along this process. But even so, you CAN heal… it just will take longer.
I recommend that you read through the various articles and testimonies and quotes and visit web sites and read as many of the resources that we post, recommend and link to, in the “Surviving Infidelity” topic. They can aid you in working through a lot of your questions and varying feelings. Healing will take a lot of processing and soul-searching and praying and seeking wisdom, to get to a better place. I hope that your wife will eventually “get it” that no matter what was going on between you and her, before she cheated on you and your marriage and your family, and even herself (in lowering her moral lowering standards) it is NOT acceptable or justifiable. I pray that some day, you will be able to smile again and enjoy your family without an ache in your heart. I pray that somehow you both can work through issues that need to be dealt with and that peace and reconciliation is able to occur. There’s no doubt that it won’t happen overnight, but I hope with my whole heart that it will. My prayers are with you.
(NIGERIA) I have been married for 4 years but I’m yet to understand marriage, especially being married in Nigeria. A lot of married men cheat. It’s like their birth right. But once a woman cheats, it’s like hell. Now, how come a husband cheats on his wife but his wife cheats too, confesses, repents but can’t be forgiven? What will she do in this situation, whereas her husband is a serial cheater? And all he does is judge her and insult her and make her feel really really worthless.
I know adultery is a very bad thing and the wife cheating does not justify the husband’s adulterous acts. But if she is really repentant, can’t he just have a forgiving spirit? He cheats too…
(NIGERIA) Jen, nothing is too difficult for God. The same way you pray to God for a forgiving spirit, that is the same way you pray for God to touch the heart of the man and turn it to favour you. He answers prayer, when he sees the heart is geninue and willing to repent. Prayer is key. I hope you find this useful. Prayer solved mine.
(USA) My husband and I have been married for almost 3 years now and we have been fighting almost for the whole time we have been married. He gets very petty and starts to claim things in the home. I have two kids outside of the marriage and we have one together since we got married. I know I have added my share to the fights but it got to the point where he wanted to be in control so much that he went to the courts and filed a temporary order of protection. When he served me, I was advised to leave the home by law enforcement because an order of protection is a very serious thing.
Since I left the home with the kids, we have yet spoken about the issues at hand. I want to return home but not sure, if I should or just move on with my life. He started to get counseling and I am about to do the same, I am just confused as to if we stand any chance of reconciliation. My family has told me not to go back there and to forget about him and just move on with my life and get a divorce. I feel different. I also have to take in consideration the kids feelings and concerns because two of them are older. My husband do not want to really talk to me right now until we go back to court in April, he is just upset and wants to see the baby but how can I go around him with the order in place.
I am trying to make him understand that but I am not getting through to him he just thinks I want to hurt him by keeping her away and that is not the case. I want to try and work things out because it will get very nasty from this point on and financially it will affect both of us, I know that time will help things to fall into place but I am just confused at this time with what’s going on and how to handle it.
(USA) I cheating on my wife 6 years ago and we are separated now since October of last year. She just can’t forgive me. I gave my life to God last year 12/23/12 and she told me I’m the perfect man now; I’m just not the perfect man for her. She wants a divorce, but she said it’s hard to do.
She has a boyfriend and I just don’t know what to do. I love my wife with all my heart and I know she love me too, but her heart is very hardened. I wish she would forgive me. I didn’t know how to be a husband; I just didn’t understand how to do it, but now I’m a better man, father and I want to show her I’m a better husband. I understand now that you supposed to love your wife like Christ loves the church. I don’t want a divorce, because since becoming a Christian I know God hates divorce and he doesn’t want a beautiful family to not exist. And now this other guy is in the picture it’s just very hard to think another man is trying to be the head of my family. But I kept my faith in god that he will bring my family back together. Thanks for listening!!!
(USA) Advice please … I am catholic born and raised … I was married to my soulmate in 1999. Unfortunately we both strayed too far from the Lord and ended ip separating in 2004 and divorcing in 2005. We both then remarried. I am divorcing my abusive husband and have given my life back to the Lord. Soon after I gave my life back to the Lord my first husband gave himself back to the Lord. His second marriage is falling apart fast because they have such different views about religion.
We both asked each other for forgiveness where we each needed to. We have started a friendship again and we are getting along wonderfully. We both know that his current marriage is over even though nothing has been done about it yet. We have even discussed our feelings of unending love for each other and we know that at some point we will be reunited. The problem is that I am growing restless. Anyone with any advice please help!
Apart from your feelings, would you have done Bible reading and research to find answers prayerfully in your situation, now that you are a believer in Christ?
What would you like to tell Christ when you stand before Him to give an account for your life? What is the picture you have in your mind that your life should be like? Is that a picture you would like to show Christ on that white throne of judgement?
Take time off to lose yourself in Christ your husband for all eternity. Once that becomes real easy by virtue of consistent worship and seeking His word and flesh, you will have answers. Your heart and emotions will be in perfect peace. A lot of areas in life will have clarity. May the Lord hold you.
(USA) My wife and I are are still married. 23 years a year ago she was doing service at a soup kitchen, a cook who was just released from prison, a black man (we are Caucasian) somehow got to her. She was always devoted mother, I thought, and wife. But after some therapy together we both learned a lot about each other’s childhoods we didn’t know, which the therapist claims is when 80% of our emotional structure is developed during childhood.
I was not a perfect husband compared to some. Maybe I was faithful to her physically but once I did get emotionally involved and lust entered my heart. Physically, I never had any contact, no kissing nothing, just conversations but wrong and I knew it. I prayed often for strength to help me stop because I knew our Heavenly Father was not pleased about it, because it was going to lead into physical contact if I didn’t stop. My prayers were answered. I began to treat this woman different and she became irritated and our relationship ended. Amen!
But my wife was so blessed she had slept with this person five times. I caught her because my children told me she was acting strange and they thought she was being unfaithful. Anyway, it’s a pretty sick story. She was caught, confessed then attempted to take her life, this all during Thanksgiving and Christmas. She returned from the mental health hospital, and me and the children opened our arms forgave. She said what she did she was sorry for but guess what? She continued to see him and laid with him. He was having relations with other women at this time. I felt she lost her mind so I put a tracker on her car. It was the best thing I ever did. I tracked her to his place, and pulled up. Outside it was a ghetto, I mean graffiti on walls etc. It was very, very difficult to accept. I love her deeply. I was not a great husband but I did work hard to change and to be a decent husband and father. We were Mormons, with lots of good family values, taught no drinking alcohol, etc…
Anyway, one Sunday she shares her testimony with the entire congregation, comes sits with me, kisses me and after church goes to the soup kitchen, has relations by going to bed with him, comes home and immediately has me go to bed with her. Strangely, I felt like someone had been with her and that he was black just impression, but I knew nothing yet. But as I said earlier, I did find out. She acted like she was disgusted with herself but kept going back. It did not stop until I personally met this guy, told him about her attempted suicide and that she was mentally ill or in need of help. That it stopped it.
This is the weird part; it all has me mentally sick. I take medicines now to live because of anxiety, sleeping problems, etc… It’s been a year and we are together. I still I really love her as a daughter of God and I want to accept her in forgiveness and mercy as I hope Jesus will or has for me. Today, she admits it was bizarre and she never thought she would let herself go so far. I still don’t know how or if I can stay with her. It is so painful I want to die. Often I’ve talked to many others, read a lot, and will continue to strive prayerfully to love her, and our children. I want them to have us. She’s remorseful and said she’s sorry but has not asked me to forgive her. That’s okay. I do forgive her. Who am I to judge? The Master taught us judge not, for by what measure you judge you will be judged.
I told the person I forgave him also. It was very hard but Jesus forgave me of my sins, who am I to not forgive another? I hope we make it; it’s trying. I can’t have sex right now and am feeling I don’t want to ever again. This is my concern I have, but I feel strongly inside that the pleasure she had with me wasn’t enough so she continued with this person. I hurt so much. It’s like I am not even here. My mind is in so much pain. I still cry in my prayers almost daily. I know this is what I feel but I also am scared.
We can make it; our marriage will survive because with God all things are possible. But here’s what I wish, that she would put God first in her life. She has not repented to the church or to God. She blames the church. She gets angry when I talk about prayer. So I continue to love her as I would my neighbor with no expectations at all except hoping she will find our Heavenly Father’s love in some way. I hurt so much. She hurts, my children hurt, I just don’t know. I take a deep breath, pray and hope that I can learn to let go and let God. I want to be like Jesus, pleasing to God. I strive to practice his ways and I must say it works. I believe she will turn to God some day and that if I can find true love in my heart for her like Jesus has, we could have the best years of our marriage ahead. As a man it’s always, did she have more pleasure with the other guy? So I feel inadequate and don’t want sex to be part of our marriage anymore. Does any woman out there have any insight that may help me feel differently about this, please? Thank you!
(US) I just ran across this story while looking for comfort in the scripture about adultery. I am by no means a “Christian.” I mean I believe in the Lord and in God. I believe the Bible as well, though I do not regularly attend church services due to the life I choose to lead, if that makes any sense. Anyhow, this story really hit home with me because my now ex did this exact thing to me. We were together for 3 1/2 yrs. We have a child who is almost two.
She cheated on me multiple times with 2 different men. I knew it was going on well before she ever told me, but just couldn’t prove anything. Through the whole ordeal, we both have said and done horrible things to each other. The issue lies with my still having feelings for her, still being in love with her, and her not having feelings for me and having moved on and in another serious relationship. I am happy for her in the aspect that she is happy in general, and not depressed anymore. I’m not happy she is with another man, or that he is, or will be playing my role as a father to our son in his everday life, because I am not with his mother still.
I have told her that I forgive her, but she has never asked me to forgive her for what she did. I was still holding it against her and using it as an excuse to try to make her hurt like I was, not a great idea I know but I was devastated and wanted her to feel the pain she had caused me. We have been broken up since July/August of last year. I have only been moved out for one month because I had nowhere to go so she let me stay till I did. I am truly grateful to her that she has been trying to be kind in order to makeup for what she has done in other ways, and she has even apologized for her actions.
My only concern now is that I know we’re not going to be together anytime soon or ever again. I just can’t seem to forget it. I can forgive her for what she did and have in my heart already, I am just struggling really hard with letting it go and not holding it against her when we talk about our relationship and where we went wrong. I know I made mistakes, as far as how I started acting towards her when I knew about it going on and she didn’t know I knew. I was mean, bitter, and just not my usual self towards her. I have apologized and asked her to forgive me for my actions after it all came out, and was still going on. I just need help letting it go and moving on from there with a new foundation for my life without her and my son there everyday.
(USA) Dear readers I am 30 yrs old with three beautiful young boys by my husband of 10 years. Last year he cheated on me and gave me an STD. However, I was able through the grace of God to clear it up! At first he denied it but eventually he had to confess so after a couple of months I agreeded to forgive him. I’m so in love with him and so are our boys! He is the soul provider for our home and recently he had been acting mean, withdrawn, and picking arguments to leave the house.
So a week ago he left and promised he would be right back and stayed gone for 5 hours and wouldn’t answer the phone. I called and texted several times and finally after four hours he picked up with an obvious lie that he was at the gym. We argued and he moved out again. He also dropped verbal hints that he was seeing someone else and that I wasn’t good enough. He has distanced himself from the boys and me and it hurts them so much! He isn’t at all sorry for what he is doing! I’m scared and emotionally destroyed. I don’t have any finances or hope. What can I do?
(USA) Hey Jennifer, I understand what you are going through!!! You have to give it to God, because you can’t fix this -only the Lord can!!! Focus your energy on the Lord and your three boys, because He wants give you no more than you can handle!!!
Josey, I’ve read and understand how you feel. You’re still young. I know that God will provide. Prayers will give more strength. I feel how you feel because it happens to me too. I’m a good husband and a loving father but I’m not good enough. My wife cheated on me and got pregnant with another man. Things change if Satan enters in our marriage. For me I’m thankful that I have a lot of problems because I’m always more closer to God, talking to Him in my prayer, submitting all my burdens. We have a lot of questions as to why it happens to us. Remember God has three answers which are (No) because it makes no good for us, (yes) because it is good for us, and (wait) for the Lord has better plan for us. In His answer I like the most, is wait. I hope that these words might help you. Be strong and prayerful… May our Heavenly Father bless us always!!!
I have been so inspired by all of these posts and it has helped me tremendously. I am 33 been married for 7 years now. My story so similar to everyone else’s. My husband has always been a ladies man and would have all kinds of women from the time we were in junior high, high school before marriage, and now.
Long story short my hubby was real distant, sleeping on the couch last year October 2012 and although he would pretty much do this from time to time and I would know he would be cheating but the evidence wouldn’t be that concrete. My fears were confirmed when the other woman 10 years younger than myself and my husband somehow got my phone number and sent me text messages and pictures of him and her together out of town. Mind you, this was a trip that he was very secretive in taking, which was the 4th trip like this he had took.
Now currently they are still seeing each other Oct 2013. She hates me and does everything possible to get me to leave him, him as well, because he lies and tells me the affair is over and information always seem to reveal otherwise. I turned from church and God and fell into a deep depression. I became overly insecure and would throw up his affairs every chance I got because there have been many others. He would always accuse me of doing what he was doing.
I have now learned to trust God no matter how bad this looks. Difficult isn’t the word. I was a mean cussing fighting machine and I’m learning to yield to God’s way loving. I struggle many days feeling hopelessness, anger and disparity. I didn’t realize that I was idolizing my marriage and him until I’ve become more involved with learning his will. I have repented for my part in the destruction of my marriage. There are times when I just want to give up and separate because this now has made it clear that she loves my husband and she will not leave their affair. Please pray for me as I need strength to continue standing. He refuses Christian counsel. He is not saved. I have counseled with a pastor but wasn’t feeling it was helping any.