Have you ever been in a restaurant and noticed a couple sitting together talking, and talking, and talking? And then have you noticed that you and your spouse aren’t? Does it seem like you have little to talk about other than what is going on with the children, or a brief report of current events?
If so, we have something in common! We have been there too (and so have millions of other married couples). After waking up to that fact (it took a while), we decided that we wanted to do better, even if it’s just connecting in meaningful ways in little pockets of time here and there. (And sitting in a restaurant together can be one of those times.)
We’ve learned that when we’re sitting there, phones, texts, etc. can wait, (yes, they can); but the question is: can/should our relationship fall victim in the meantime? (It could die of starvation in the meantime.) It’s important to be careful not to neglect growing our marital love relationship. We’re told: “Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil.” (Ephesians 5:15-16)
So, as God has been convicting us on this, we’ve been more intentional to interact with each other. And we’re so glad we’re doing that. We feel emotionally closer than ever before!
Fun Communication Questions
Is that something you need/want to have happen in your marriage? If so, do you need some “jump-start” ideas, so you interact together more often as a couple in more warm, loving ways? Would you like some things to discuss so you feel more connected?
Maybe you’re looking for something to discuss on a “Date Night” together. Or perhaps it’s during a “22 Minute” time you spend together, and you just can’t come up with fun, thought provoking questions on your own. It could even be some ideas that will help you when you’re in one of those short pockets of time in a restaurant or walking together, or such.
So, to start off, below you will find a few of ideas that can assist you. We have used these tools, ourselves; and we have found that some of our nicest conversations have been when we’ve used these types of tools. Not all of us are as creative in thinking about things to talk about (other than talking about the children, work and problems).
So, with that said, we want to provide a link to articles that will help you with conversation starters. You won’t (and shouldn’t) try to ask all of the questions at one sitting. That is, unless you both agree to have a marathon talking time together (which some spouses wouldn’t enjoy). You can make a time to be together and agree to ask a set number of questions to each other and save the rest for other times.
And NO arguing! Don’t let this be a contentious time. If you need to have a more serious conversation at some point, save that for another time. This time is supposed to connect you—not spiral into an argument. So, keep it light!
This is Connection Time, NOT a Test
“We all get bogged down in the day-to-day responsibilities of our lives and forget to make time for intimate conversations with our partner. Sometimes, we don’t even know where to begin. The secret is to ask open-ended questions, which are questions without a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer. ‘Did you pay the electric bill?’ is not an open-ended question. Here are some examples: What adventures do you want to have before you die? If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be, and why? How do you think we could have more fun in our life together? What are your biggest worries about the future? What do you find exciting in your life right now?” (The Gottman Institute)
We also have some additional questions for you that you can use. But whatever you do, don’t think about these as “questions” as if you were taking a test or something. Think of them as a discovery and connection time together. Even if you’ve been married more than 20, 30, 40 or more years, you’ll find out some new things about each other. That’s what we’ve learned!
So, below you will find several web site links to a number of list of questions. You may even want to make a copy of them so you can have them for the next several times you spend this kind of time together:
— ALSO, for Fun Communication Questions —
Debi Walter, from The Romantic Vineyard web site came up with some fun questions to ask each other. How about asking “What’s your favorite…?” She gives a list of 25 “favorite things” that you can both share with each other. Just go back and forth telling your favorites. Here’s the link:
Paul Byerly, from the web site The-generous-husband.com discovered a list of questions, which could also bring you closer together in your relationship. To read the articles and then the questions, the following is a link, which will lead you to them:
• GETTING CLOSER — A SHORT CUT
And then here are 50 additional questions, written by Pastor Zach Terry and his wife Julie, which you may find fun to ask each other at a time you want to find out even a little bit more about each other. Some of your answers may come as a surprise, which can be a good thing :)
• 50 Questions to Ask Your Spouse on a Date Night
And if you run out with these (LOL) you can find more in the Communication Tools topic on this web site. Above all, take the time—make the time to communicate with each other.
“Cultivate a healthy dialogue with your spouse about topics other than your children. Carve out time to have adult talk. Initiate conversations about shared interests. Remember, you chose your partner before you ever knew your children. Although children require lots of love, time, and energy, for a healthy marriage, you must never let your kids usurp the role of your spouse.” (Ed Young)
It’s a matter of looking for ways to grow your love relationship with each other! We hope you will.
Cindy and Steve Wright
— ADDITIONALLY —
To help you further, we give a lot of personal stories, humor, and more practical tips in our book, 7 ESSENTIALS to Grow Your Marriage. We hope you will pick up a copy for yourself. (It’s available both electronically and in print form.) Plus, it can make a great gift for someone else. It gives you the opportunity to help them grow their marriage. And who doesn’t need that? Just click on the linked title or the picture below:
ALSO:
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Filed under: Communication Tools Marriage Insights
(MALAYSIA) I find your article is so interesting…will definitely give it a try ;-) Well.. been married for more than a decade and this proves to be fun.
(CANADA) My marriage is about to end. I am not sure how to communicate with my husband and he gets very upset when all I do is ask questions when trying to start a conversation. HELP ME
(USA) Hello Terri, Your marriage does not have to end; don’t despair. Communication is one of the biggest differences between men and women. This shows especially in marriage where you are partners and have to talk inorder to make decisions, plan events and most importantly companionship. Sometimes the problems we have are merely differences and we should be able to distinguish these from actual problems.
I don’t know how far you have gone in the marriage and you are probably still learning about his personality. I had troubles at first because I didn’t know my husband was generally the quiet type. I would think he didn’t like talking to me or was angry at something. Now i know more and welcome him the few times he feels like talking. With him, I can distinguish between “quiet & angry” and “quiet & good”. I avoid conversing when it looks bad and only stick to necessary talk. When he is in a good mood, i do the talking and appreciate whatever responses he has, be it nods , “mmmmm” or smiles. But sometimes we actually have good laughs when there is news to share.
Does he have special tv programs he likes? Watching them together will bring up good conversation starters in an atmosphere he is comfortable with. This is different from “lets talk” which seems forced.
Hope you understand that eating dinner together, doing his favourite activities, looking at photo albums, praying together and all other efforts to work towards unity count as credits to the build up of good communication. We should genuinely seek to understand our spouses by taking advantage of whatever opportunities we get as few or little as they may be. The problems come when we are impatient and our efforts seem hurried/forced and we look panicky.
I would advise you to hang in there and put your worries in prayer. God is always there to listen. He will work wonders in ways we can’t imagine. In the mean time, your actions speak louder than words. Let your husband enjoy your acts of love and understanding as unto the Lord. Even the peace in your heart will be a reward fom God.
(US) I have been married for year and a half and it is about to end. My husband takes everything personal. Before we got married and just dating I agreed to give up my own place to move into his parents house so they wouldn’t lose it. Now if we end our marriage I have no place to go cause we haven’t saved money. I don’t make much like I used to and he spends all his our money that isn’t together. I pay all of our and my son Health’s teeth, eye ins so I pay altogether 450.00 the first of the month. When I ask for money he will stay on me to pay it back and when I can’t he gets mad.
He is drinking and was better and the past few weeks he has been drinking a lot. I have health problems and he doesn’t understand. I don’t know what to do? Help
(USA) My marriage is a mess. I have tried counseling, tried to talk to my husband. His numberous affairs have caused to much pain and hurt. Now that he has health problems, he won’t talk to me at all, nor will he show me any affection unless someone is watching. Who wants that? It’s phony.
I am ignored except when it is dinner, then the only time he talks to me is to tell me not to eat too much and to live off the land, or to tell me how to do this or that. When I do try to talk to him, I have to make an appointment. Then when we do talk he tells me I am pushing him away and get off his back. This has gone on for years.
I am 54 and have had enough of being neglected. He has no problem talking to other woman and flirting and dating. I have even told him to leave and have a great life. He has refused to sign divorce papers. I am tired of people saying I am stupid for staying. I didn’t do anything wrong other than try to save my marriage.
It is had to talk to a man who thinks you ruined his life. I don’t have a job. I lost my home to a fire just when I was getting back to the process of finding a job and getting a life. I ended up with a 13 year old grandson. He is a great kid with a lot of issues, due to a death in the family. Now I feel stuck and lonely. I have prayed till I am blue in the face. I know God hears me. What am I doing wrong? I am out in the middle of no where. No church body to stand with. No one is close enough to to share this mess with. HELP ME.
Karla, Please hang in there. God does hear prayer, and He will answer you. You have to look for a counsellor to help you resolve your issues. Counselling does help.