Have you ever been in a restaurant and noticed a couple sitting together talking, and talking, and talking? And then have you noticed that you and your spouse aren’t? Does it seem like you have little to talk about other than what is going on with the children, or a brief report of current events?
If so, we have something in common! We have been there too (and so have millions of other married couples). After waking up to that fact (it took a while), we decided that we wanted to do better, even if it’s just connecting in meaningful ways in little pockets of time here and there. (And sitting in a restaurant together can be one of those times.)
We’ve learned that when we’re sitting there, phones, texts, etc. can wait, (yes, they can); but the question is: can/should our relationship fall victim in the meantime? (It could die of starvation in the meantime.) It’s important to be careful not to neglect growing our marital love relationship. We’re told: “Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil.” (Ephesians 5:15-16)
So, as God has been convicting us on this, we’ve been more intentional to interact with each other. And we’re so glad we’re doing that. We feel emotionally closer than ever before!
Fun Communication Questions
Is that something you need/want to have happen in your marriage? If so, do you need some “jump-start” ideas, so you interact together more often as a couple in more warm, loving ways? Would you like some things to discuss so you feel more connected?
Maybe you’re looking for something to discuss on a “Date Night” together. Or perhaps it’s during a “22 Minute” time you spend together, and you just can’t come up with fun, thought provoking questions on your own. It could even be some ideas that will help you when you’re in one of those short pockets of time in a restaurant or walking together, or such.
So, to start off, below you will find a few of ideas that can assist you. We have used these tools, ourselves; and we have found that some of our nicest conversations have been when we’ve used these types of tools. Not all of us are as creative in thinking about things to talk about (other than talking about the children, work and problems).
So, with that said, we want to provide a link to articles that will help you with conversation starters. You won’t (and shouldn’t) try to ask all of the questions at one sitting. That is, unless you both agree to have a marathon talking time together (which some spouses wouldn’t enjoy). You can make a time to be together and agree to ask a set number of questions to each other and save the rest for other times.
And NO arguing! Don’t let this be a contentious time. If you need to have a more serious conversation at some point, save that for another time. This time is supposed to connect you—not spiral into an argument. So, keep it light!
This is Connection Time, NOT a Test
“We all get bogged down in the day-to-day responsibilities of our lives and forget to make time for intimate conversations with our partner. Sometimes, we don’t even know where to begin. The secret is to ask open-ended questions, which are questions without a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer. ‘Did you pay the electric bill?’ is not an open-ended question. Here are some examples: What adventures do you want to have before you die? If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be, and why? How do you think we could have more fun in our life together? What are your biggest worries about the future? What do you find exciting in your life right now?” (The Gottman Institute)
We also have some additional questions for you that you can use. But whatever you do, don’t think about these as “questions” as if you were taking a test or something. Think of them as a discovery and connection time together. Even if you’ve been married more than 20, 30, 40 or more years, you’ll find out some new things about each other. That’s what we’ve learned!
So, below you will find several web site links to a number of list of questions. You may even want to make a copy of them so you can have them for the next several times you spend this kind of time together:
— ALSO, for Fun Communication Questions —
Debi Walter, from The Romantic Vineyard web site came up with some fun questions to ask each other. How about asking “What’s your favorite…?” She gives a list of 25 “favorite things” that you can both share with each other. Just go back and forth telling your favorites. Here’s the link:
Paul Byerly, from the web site The-generous-husband.com discovered a list of questions, which could also bring you closer together in your relationship. To read the articles and then the questions, the following is a link, which will lead you to them:
And then here are 50 additional questions, written by Pastor Zach Terry and his wife Julie, which you may find fun to ask each other at a time you want to find out even a little bit more about each other. Some of your answers may come as a surprise, which can be a good thing :)
And if you run out with these (LOL) you can find more in the Communication Tools topic on this web site. Above all, take the time—make the time to communicate with each other.
“Cultivate a healthy dialogue with your spouse about topics other than your children. Carve out time to have adult talk. Initiate conversations about shared interests. Remember, you chose your partner before you ever knew your children. Although children require lots of love, time, and energy, for a healthy marriage, you must never let your kids usurp the role of your spouse.” (Ed Young)
It’s a matter of looking for ways to grow your love relationship with each other! We hope you will.
Cindy and Steve Wright
— ADDITIONALLY —
To help you further, we give a lot of personal stories, humor, and more practical tips in our book, 7 ESSENTIALS to Grow Your Marriage. We hope you will pick up a copy for yourself. (It’s available both electronically and in print form.) Plus, it can make a great gift for someone else. It gives you the opportunity to help them grow their marriage. And who doesn’t need that? Just click on the linked title or the picture below:
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