“How can I get unhooked from an emotional affair?” There is not easy way to do this. And it’s important to know that it will involve a process of time. In that process, several practices are important.
First of all, to get unhooked from this situation, separation is important. The emphasis here is on abstinence and sobriety. You don’t indulge yourself with the other person’s presence. You must stop exposing yourself to this shared life experience. The contact is what keeps these feelings alive. That is why you need to stop feeding the compulsion.
To get unhooked, first of all, separation is important.
The emphasis here is on abstinence and sobriety. It’s important not to indulge yourself with the other person’s presence. You must stop exposing yourself to this shared life experience. It is the contact that keeps these feelings alive. To get unhooked from them, you need to stop feeding the compulsion.
I hasten to add that you just can’t bury these feelings.
Therefore, the next step is identification.
What is the “something” this person touches inside you? What unmet need does he tap into? Sometimes the infidel can process this with a spouse or a same-sex friend. But other times that will need to be done with an experienced counselor who is committed to restoring the marriage.
My experience is that the longings that underlie infidelity go back to childhood. The infidel brings them with him or her into the marriage. They often were touched upon or satisfied in the initial phases of the relationship with the spouse. But over time have been buried by the crush of life’s responsibilities.
Furthermore, the next process to getting unhooked is exposure.
Don’t allow these longings and feelings to remain a secret. The longer an infidel allows these feelings to continue as a secret, the more he or she will idealize the person the feelings are attached to. Idealization means this partner becomes perfect. As a result, no one else (e.g., the spouse) can measure up. The partner is beginning to be seen as “all good,” and therefore the infidel will have to see the marriage as “all bad.”
As mentioned earlier, if you encapsulate these feelings at this point, they will only lie dormant to be triggered again later. I usually encourage the infidel to share his feelings with his spouse, after seeking counsel. After all, the spouse has been involved in this story already (in that all affairs are a triangle, even if the spouse is unaware). He or she might as well know the secrets that are occurring in his/her marriage.
The next concept to get unhooked is to journal.
Write down the feelings you are experiencing in this rather involved and tortuous journey. Feelings don’t have to control an individual. But their influence is strongest when they are held in secret. The longings that have led to this emotional affair are a part of the childhood magic. That’s why journaling them gets them out into the open, into the adult realm.
The next step to getting unhooked is displacement.
You can use this process in tandem with some of the other processes. Here you do something else in lieu of focusing on the partner. You can exercise, get involved in spiritual development, or take on different projects or hobbies. This is the “doing” part of healing.
The final idea is to grieve.
Though this is extremely difficult for the spouse to observe, it is important and necessary. Many times this needs to start with a “good-bye” letter. (It is written to the adulterous partner.) Most infidels find this very painful to do. It seems so unnecessary initially, because seemingly “nothing evil has happened,” since they didn’t have sex. Only after thorough processing, and the passage of time, will the infidel be able to look back and see how befuddled his/her thinking really was.
This is also a good time for the infidel to review his/her “loss history.” As a result, this leads naturally to grieving. What other significant caregivers, friends, loved ones, or pets has the infidel lost that parallel the lost feelings in giving up the affair? The infidel will probably want to do this in private and only later will be able to share the depth of the experience with his spouse.
(But there’s a caution here: The depression is not about what you feel for the partner. Instead it is about what you are feeling, period. Keep the partner out of the equation. It will make it easier for your souse to listen to your feelings. And it will be easier for you to connect with the feelings in your heart that need processing.)
The Healing Process to Get Unhooked:
Neither your partner nor your spouse can release you from the emotional hook you’ve experienced. Many spouses caught in this kind of emotional affair have found portions of The Serenity Prayer helpful:
“Lord, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.”
Be careful of changing the components around. Don’t try to change the things you cannot change. That will only lead to frustration and anger. On the other hand, don’t accept the things you should be changing. That will only lead to feelings of victimization, a sense of “What’s the use? I can’t lick this, so I might as well give in.”
Time, the healing process, always requires a backward look.
Encouragement is not usually the result if you look to where you need to be, feel like you ought to be, or even want to be. You will see the feelings diminish as you look backward to where you were three, six or nine months ago.
Rebuild and concentrate on the lost relationships that contributed to the vacuum that the emotional affair filled. That could require quite a search on your part, some intense conversations (even confrontations) with people in your life, a lot of focused reading, and even some trips/visits to significant places in your childhood.
Enjoy the process and reschedule the experiences that made your marriage good in the first place. Here I encourage couples to each identify the “eight greats” of their marital experience. Independently, each spouse should identify the eight great experiences, or highlights, of their marital history. Then they decide together on five that they’d like to repeat. You see, shared history is a critical component of intimacy. Rare is the spouse who won’t join “the almost infidel” in this endeavor and experience recovery from close call. Why, most of us had close calls ourselves.
Some Cautions for the Infidel:
Temptations do not an identity make. Some people struggle with the same temptation for years. For instance, just because someone wants to smoke again because he’s tempted doesn’t mean he’s a smoker. Don’t let the temptation to return to the partner shame you into feeling “What’s the use? I might as well give in. I’ll never be free of these feelings.”
Second, remember that in periods of high stress, difficult emotions, transition, and marital dullness, you will feel an increased desire to return to the partner or to renew thoughts of him/her. At times, infidels report that they have yearnings to think about this person just to see if the feelings are still “available” as in the days gone by. This “testing” is common to obsessive-compulsive behaviors. And the intent is to prove to oneself how far one has come in the recovery process.
Also, be careful. This process can begin to mimic the destabilization process of a Class 2 affair. Such practices only intensify, rather than lessen, the attraction —and the hook goes much deeper.
Some Encouragement for the Spouse:
First, remember that these longings were present in your spouse before you entered his or her life. You didn’t create them. And you probably can’t fully satisfy them.
Second, you did tap into those longings early in your relationship in some fashion. The longings were present in the initial feelings of what love is all about. For whatever reason, the infidel settled for the initial feelings of what love is all about and superficial satisfaction of those longings, versus deepening and maturing them. This is not your fault. Many times it is the result of a combination of circumstances. It can include work, school, family, and so on. But the exciting thing is now you both can go deeper in your love for each other.
Last, both of you will eventually forget the partner. The memories of this experience will fade in the same way that a widow or widower forgets about the loss of a good first marriage if the second marriage is a pleasant experience.
It is possible to rebuild after an emotional affair has been discovered. Work through these steps and you will make progress. This is the kind of stuff emotional intimacy is built on, and that is the key to any good marriage.
This article comes from the excellent book, TORN ASUNDER: Recovering From an Extramarital Affair
Filed under: Emotional & Physical Affair Emotional Infidelity
Hi “Powerless” Your choice of title is so accurate–of our human strength we are powerless to overcome temptation and sin–BUT Jesus has defeated satan already! Our minds get so confused and clouded in these situations. Lies seem like Truth and vice versa. I would support all of WP’s advice. You are a child of God–He has saved you, and His Word is Truth so anything contrary is a lie. And you (we) are believing lies when we think that these relationships are love. They are not God’s definition of love, but the enemy’s. If you have the time, please read my journey through the older past comments. I have been dealing with this battle and weakness for many years also so I do want to assure there IS hope.
You have faced many trials in life already, and this is another one. I strongly urge to share it with another human face to face. It’s very hard, embarrassing, humbling, uncomfortable–but Vital to expose the sin to the light. The reason it is “gaining strength” is due to the secretive nature –it gives you the illusion that it holds more power over you than it truly does!
I, too, am married to a man who has struggled with mental health issues most of our 26+ years of our marriage life. For many years, he refused treatment–we have had many ups and downs to say the least. So of course you and I feel like ‘something is missing in our marriage.’ For you it’s the physical aspect, for me the emotional relationship is very fragile–regardless, the bottom line is –God knows all of this!! He knows exactly what we have and what we do NOT have, and He (the Lord) has promised to provide our every need. This is more about our relationship with Lord and our Trust in Him, then it is about our husbands.
I have so much I would love to share with you. I’d love to sit down for several hours over a cup of coffee! but that is not in God’s plan for this time. I do hope you return to this site. Please read and re-read the articles, comments and posts–They are Truth. Immerse and surround yourself with God’s Word through prayer and song. It is Truth. I pray the Light of Truth will penetrate your fog of confusion and distress. You are among friends :)
Hi Trying, Your words are very good!! I really hope Powerless visits this site again… but it has been 3 days already. Your texts have always been encouraging and helpful… and you have certainly dealt with a difficult situation! This is one of the very positive aspects of Internet sites like this, which are monitored… but also, which allow as much freedom as possible for people to share, reply, share again, and come through storms which are not possible to weather on one’s own. Modern technology’s answer to the charge to all believers: “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fullfill the law of Christ.” :)) I do feel for her… You take care Trying, nice to hear from you, WP
My husband is having what he calls a “friendship” with another woman. I’m hoping to stop this friendship and save our marriage. So far in the last 16 days they’ve exchanged over 1500 text messages. He is never alone with her and his daughter is always present so I know there’s no “funny business” going on. I really am hoping this book will help me get him to understand he’s not treating me fairly and is in fact wrong about his “friendship.”
Hi Mary, This sounds like a recent development, rather than a longer term friendship. But 1500 SMS’s in 16 days! Yes that is a lot! Have you talked with your husband? Your message seems to be going in two directions though, on the one hand, he is never alone with her… therefore “OK”… but on the other hand, so many SMS’s! Do you know the content of the text messages? Perhaps they are also “OK?” Perhaps a little more background would help us understand where you are? I hope to hear from you… WP (Work in Progress)
Hi WP, I hope you are well. I haven’t had the time to review past messages. Just thought of you. Take care of yourself. You were such a huge help for me. But I confess to you that there has been the initiation of another EA. One that’s so messed up. I was too ashamed to ever come back here. The only reason I stopped this EA is because I know I will never prosper with evil lurking. I anticipate a response and I pray that will not judge me or feel resent towards me for leaving here momentarily.
Hi SDN!!! My first thought on seeing your text here is: “I’m so happy to hear from you!!” I have often thought of you… I never resented you for leaving for a while… I just wondered where you were and how you were doing… hoping you were all right. Please do not EVER feel ashamed to come back here… Certainly not with ME. Please NEVER feel judged by me… NEVER. I trust and I’m confident that this holds true for the other readers/monitors of this site. We all have been down this road… who are we to judge?
OK… so another EA. Oh Oh… Did this happen at work? I knew you wanted to go back to work and you were afraid of another EA happening in the workplace. So hard SDN… I know!! If I may ask.. What happened??? You say, “I know I will never prosper with evil lurking.” SDN… you CAN… and you WILL… but you cannot do this by yourself. Please surround yourself with other Christians who know you and can help you. I very much hope you come back to this site… and that you do not feel ashamed. I remember suggesting to you… you should go flirt with your husband :) which you did, and, in your words, “it felt good!”
Perhaps you are being too hard on yourself? Maybe you are finding it difficult to forgive yourself? Is this perhaps possible? Maybe YOU initated the EA… that you did not say. But you know… I- for sure, and others here too… would not (and could not) ever judge you for that. We would only want to help you, pray with you… listen to your story… and see you happy and freed from this very difficult situation.
I think that the more we accept the love of God through His Son… and the love of those people close to us… the easier it will be to resist the strong pull of the EA. This is something I’ve had to learn over a long period of time because of my history (which you know already). I do feel that what I say here is true.
Here are your words to me from your last text that I have from November 2, 2015: You are speaking to me in the following: “I feel ‘protected’ by you. I hope this makes sense. Confessing to you and then reading a response is very healing to me.” I certainly hope you feel this way now, and that you will be back soon. Here are your closing words from your text earlier today: “I anticipate a response and I pray that will not judge me or feel resent towards me for leaving here momentarily.” Well, here is my sincere response SDN. I hope to hear from you soon… I really do! Take care SDN… please know that you are among friends here… WP (Work in Progress)
Hi WP. It’s so good to hear from you too. Thank u so much WP for the peace of mind and reassurance. I certainly do feel a sense of peace as I confessed to YOU last night. It was the final step to closing off the EA which I ended on my own accord. This EA was initiated by me, shamefully. The OM gives me EVERYTHING I want. He satisfies me emotionally. He listens to me. He pays attention to me a lot and he also claims to ‘love’ me. It has come to a point where I have tried to sever ties numerous times only to fall again for his words.
This time I made up my mind and no matter how I hated to bother u, I knew telling YOU would make it all over and better. As with the 1st EA. You healed me with your words and encouragement. I felt I owed you this confession and also for myself. The OM is too clingy and emotional. Yes, he is a dream but this illicit relationship is not what I want for myself.
My eldest child has been acting up lately and it has caused major stress and anxiety. She needs me. I love her too much and I need to give her everything I have. No I have not gone back to work. I would love to but there is no one here to keep my kids. And I’d rather be here with them than hire someone. They are both a huge handful. It is because of my days with my eldest who is 4, that I severed ties with the OM and this time with no explanation given. I had to. For my family.
I feel so bad for the OM WP, but this has to be done and I can only pray for him. He always seems hungover me when I step away. He is the father of a boy at my daughter’s creche. I will be seeinghim aroundbut I know what’s to be done. WP, I strongly feel that God is guiding me so much. I am convinced that any attraction in future to any other man, will only cause trauma negativity to my life. I will always remember what my mind frame was caused by these two EAs. And also how it robs me off time from my kids and family. It’s almost as tho God showed me the consequences in a very subtle way. He always saves me before it’s too late.
Ok ok enough about me. I wll answer any Qs u have on this. Tell me how are u??? How is it going on your mission? How do u feel honestly? How have u been coping? I’m eager to hear your stories. Know that I’m in such a positive frame of mind as of last night especially after I confessed to u. This EA is different from the 1st. The attachment from MY side isn’t intense. I can get over this very fast. I know it. I feel empowered and liberated. Thank u for your response WP. Take care and stay blessed. SDN
Hi SDN! Again… I’m so happy to hear from you! I’m also VERY happy that you do not feel judged… even though you initiated this EA… and that the EA is ended now, and over. I’m honored that your confessing to me was such a help for you… thank you SDN! (Please know that you are not bothering me at all!) I think that you say you’re confessing to me but that really you’re confessing to God, and that He’s telling you, “Did anyone condemn you? No. Neither do I condemn you, go your way and sin no more.” (See John Chapter 8).
One thing I feel I should mention, PLEASE be careful of a “relapse” SDN! At the end of your message you say, “This EA is different from the 1st. The attachment from MY side isn’t intense. I can get over this very fast. I know it. I feel empowered and liberated.” HOWEVER, at the beginning you say, “The OM gives me EVERYTHING I want. He satisfies me emotionally. He listens to me. He pays attention to me a lot and he also claims to ‘love’ me. It has come to a point where I have tried to sever ties numerous times only to fall again for his words.” It feels like your ending this EA occurred very recently, and that you have a stronger attachment to this OM than you perhaps realize. The strong feelings may well return… more so because you may run into him at your daughter’s creche. I know from all our earlier correspondence that you’re a strong person, and that you will succeed at the end of the day. I admire you SDN, I really do. I have great respect for you :) But please have a care!!!
Yes, SDN, God is definitely guiding you- it’s wonderful to hear you say this! I love your text: “I am convinced that any attraction in future to any other man, will only cause trauma negativity to my life. I’ll always remember what my mind frame was caused by these two EAs.And also how it robs me of time from my kids and family. It’s almost as tho God showed me the consequences in a very subtle way. He always saves me before it’s too late.” Yes SDN, God is very close to you, and cares for you more than you know. You see this very well SDN! This too is a gift from God -just for you SDN!
About me? Ah well… I’m doing OK these days, but it has not all been easy :( I lost my job at the end of January, but was able to get an agreement, which helps me financially until I reach regular retirement age. I’ve felt a bit lost lately. I miss several very close friends at work very much, but I’m landing on my feet… and God is helping me and guiding me… of this I am convinced. I have a great compassion for hurting people as you know… and I need to be mindful that this energy goes in the right direction.
I recall so well how hard it was to write the letters to my Facebook OW’s! Even now when I think of them, it still hurts -in the same way as when you wrote, “I feel so bad for the OM WP, but this has to be done and I can only pray for him.” This has become far less though, and now I can pray for them with less pain. (I couldn’t do this earlier). I’ve made many mistakes SDN… I caused significant hurt to my wife and to them. I greatly regret this… I can follow your comments very well SDN. You take care. I hope to hear from you SDN… WP (Work in Progress)
Hi SDN, I also have other things to ask you and tell you, but these can come later. Take care SDN… WP
Hi WP. Thank you for that inspiring response. It is almost as though God speaks through you to me. You analyze my words that I write at the tip of my mind, and you add conviction to them. I truly believe that you are a guiding Angel. Yes it’s over. Today I wrote out a brief farewell msg to OM and he responded. I then deleted his nr off my phone and also blocked him from FB. I think I owed him a farewell I guess. I didn’t feel anything to be honest. I miss the conversation. Yes WP, I will be guarded. Relapse is very easy but I’ve been down this road many times. I know what causes failure. This time my motivation is fuelled by the needs of my daughter. She will always come 1st for me. I will never compromise that. Pure love I guess.
WP, I’m so sad to hear that you lost your job in Jan. I feel for you. Glad to hear that you’re financially stable though until retirement. In fact I knew you would be doing well with your EA struggle. You seemed very determined in the past and I see from outside the box, how things just work out for you. God IS guiding you; Yes. And he loves you. I can see your purpose now; you give a lot of people comfort on this site. You may think you hurt people close to you but I am just ONE example of the difference you make in People’s lives. You’re a great support structure. But I personally believe that with ME, you play a greater role. I just KNOW IT! I think if God wanted to talk to me in words, He would say all that you do to me. I appreciate your time WP. I’ve seen your responses to others on this site; remarkable. Truly. This is your purpose.
I hope you are keeping well. How else do you keep busy WP? I anticipate a response soon. Stay blessed WP and take care. SDN
Hi SDN!… Ahh again so good to hear from you! Wow! Your words mean SO much to me… they are precious really. Thank you SDN! Your text here is a treasure. I know you mean what you say, thank you! I’m in a place now where I’m really asking God what I can be doing with my time, now that I’m not working. I don’t feel rushed, no… now I’ve just been visiting friends more, and being there in general for my wife and children… and their families, and a few other very close friends. It’s true that I do enjoy reading the texts here and sometimes answering… but some are so sad! Some are hard to read… some are heartbreaking. There is so much hurt in the world… terrible really. Some people never come back… and I ache for them.
I am honored by your words SDN, that you feel I play such a significant role for you. I’m happy to give of my time on this site. I’m very motivated! I’m especially happy that you came back. I was wondering for a long while how you were doing. You’re wise for your years SDN… you have much to give. Your daughter is fortunate with you! “Pure love I guess” Yes!! and very powerful!!
I am happy that your EA is over. You’ve handled yourself very well SDN. Yes God is guiding you and He is guiding me. I need His guidance so much these days… and He gives it… to you and to me :) So you will not have any trouble when you see him (the OM) at your daughter’s creche? I hope not… In your words I can feel your conviction that this is over, and that it’s not so difficult for you to maintain a proper distance. You are a strong personality SDN, and you have grown as a result of these two EA’s.
I’m hesitating a little here right now… but may I ask you, are things going better with L? I recall so well writing that letter… I was trying so hard to get it just right… I was very happy to do this for you! Of course I know the male side of things… Please let me know how you’re getting along SDN. I look forward to hearing from you. You take care too SDN, and yes… stay blessed… WP (Work in Progress) PS.. I have other things too… but that is again for a future text.
Hi WP. Please forgive my delayed response. I am always inundated with mummy duties. It NEVER ends. I hope you’re well. I’m happy to hear that you are spending your days well. We’re rich only if we have our loved ones near. I’m sure you are a big help and inpsiration to those around you as well. It’s good to surround yourself with people you love. Especially when you’re aware of any relapse that may occur. I think you on the other hand are from that. I strongly believe you have moved past the OW. Maybe not entirely but comfortably.
Your letter; how could I forget your efforts and more especially that uncanny resemblance to my own thoughts and feelings that YOU expressed for me in that letter. Well WP, things are different now. I don’t really seek L’s attention too much; and no it’s not because of the 2nd OM; it’s just that I’m occupied with my kids. My mind set has changed drastically ESPECIALLY after EA nr 2. I CHOSE to end it on my own because I resented the results of it. The subtle impact it had on me as a person, a mother and a wife. An illicit affair is NOT for me. I guess it all boils down to MORALS vs PLEASURES. It didn’t settle well with me. The whole affair idea. This EA was so different from the 1st. The 1st was just a mind game for the OM with no real substance, as opp the 2nd, where real feelings were involved and physically, the affair would have been inevitable. As I did state He gave me EVERYTHING I desired. I am glad I ended it before it moved any further. I would never have lived with myself. I would have hated myself.
But WP, I do miss OM nr 2. The conversations more. I’m not out of the woods tho. The only thing that stops me from contacting the OM even tho I really want to tell him I miss him IS the fact that I don’t have his nr anymore. THANK GOD. However, and I know this sounds rather contradictory, I CAN do without thinking about him for quite long periods. Which for me IS a good sign. With EA nr 1, it was wayyyyyy harder.
Yes WP, u have and still is playing a very significant role in my life especially with the battles I face in these months that past. I think the prospect of an affair is my weakness. I have to watch out for this throughout my life. This is my true feelings and a big confession. But God is showing me signs. Yes He does. Everything happens for a reason. I don’t know how I would have overcome the 1st EA if I didn’t converse with u all the time WP. And I distinctively remember the day when u 1st posted. I prompted u to tell your story. I initally thought you were a woman. I didn’t believe men could also go through somethg like this. Men r somewhat mor aloof in EA. Well u and RM proved that wrong. O yes, and with the very attached OM nr2.
I think L is trying WP. But not hard enough. I don’t REALLY believe in star signs but I do believe in the traits of ppl born undr a certain sign. I was reading up on Ls sign and it was 100 % him. I will put it as Lazy lovers. Just dream and relax and expect everything to work out. Lol. What’s your sign WP? Can’t believe I never asked u this. Stay blessed WP. Take care. SDN
Hi SDN! Yes…I understand .. no worries! I know you have “mummy duties.. ” Thank you so much for your encouraging words.. they mean SO much!!, Now it’s my turn to say, ” Please forgive my delayed response.” I actually had this text ready twice!! but then pressed the wrong button and erased everything!!… and then had to go out to visit friends… ah well…. sorry. I have put together the following for your consideration, and please take note here that I do admire you for how you have dealt with a difficult set of circumstances, and that I have great respect for you!
In the course of your last texts, there is something that worries me here. You say, “I don’t really seek L’s attention too much; and no it’s not because of the 2nd OM; it’s just that I’m occupied with my kids.” SDN, I think here that you are setting yourself up for a new EA. You are, in effect, shutting out your husband, the man God intends to meet your legitimate and God-given needs! It is very hurtful for a man when he senses that his wife doesn’t really need him (or want him.) He will quietly shut down his emotions to protect his heart. He will LEARN to “do without you” because he will feel he has no choice. In this way, you shut off the source intended by God to meet your emotional and physical needs, and open yourself to the powerful lure of the EA. We both know that powerful lure, you and I have both fallen into that trap. Our childhood histories raise the risk level even higher.
You say (and I have great respect for you here): “I think the prospect of an affair is my weakness. I have to watch out for this throughout my life. This is my true feelings and a big confession” SDN, I know this is a big confession, and I think the same is true of me as well. (our similar histories, remember?) You further say: “I am convinced that any attraction in future to any other man, will only cause trauma negativity to my life. I will always remember what my mind frame was caused by these two EAs. And also how it robs me of time from my kids and family. It’s almost as tho God showed me the consequences in a very subtle way. He always saves me before it’s too late.”
Ahh SDN, God is looking after you so carefully! You have a special place in His Heart!! You see this SDN! This in itself is a gift of God just for you SDN! You state: “This EA (EA2) was initiated by me, shamefully. The OM gives me EVERYTHING I want. He satisfies me emotionally. He listens to me. He pays attention to me a lot and he also claims to ‘love’ me. It has come to a point where I have tried to sever ties numerous times only to fall again for his words.
You also say, “This EA was so different from the 1st. The 1st was just a mind game for the OM with no real substance, as opp the 2nd, where real feelings were involved and physically, the affair would have been inevitable. As I did state He gave me EVERYTHING I desired.
SDN, Here is your text from August 12, 2015, about EA1: I remembered this very well, so I went back to find it again: “I became absolutely seductive, ‘sexy’ and witty. I established what turned him on and kept him gripped to me ALL just so he could give me that attention I longed for. I wanted to be saved from my boring marriage and frustrating life. As thrilling as it was… the sadness and anger and stress I felt with the OM in my life surpassed the happiness and peace without him in my life.”
Oh, Oh SDN!! You are being protected by God so clearly…. you said also, ” But WP, I do miss OM nr 2. The conversations more. I’m not out of the woods tho. The only thing that stops me from contacting the OM even tho I really want to tell him I miss him IS the fact that I don’t have his nr anymore. THANK GOD. You see? You do not have his number anymore! Yes, you see clearly that God ” always saves me before it’s too late.”
What am I trying to say here? That God loves you so much… and He is trying to steer you in the right direction! I will pray for you and L. that you two find each other, nurture each other and be there for each other!! Please do not shut out your L! Indicate to him that you need him and want him in your life…. and ask God to help you!! Of course God will answer your prayers…. in His way and in His time. I hope to hear from you soon SDN…… You are an inspiration you know…… WP (Work in Progress)
Hi SDN,
I mentioned before that there were other things for which I would like your opinion…. but they can come later. I was wondering, why did you suddenly leave and stay away for so long! It is nice to see you back!! :))
Re. star signs, well, I do not know much about them, and for me… like yourself, I do not really BELIEVE what they say… that a person’s personality and characteristics are “determined” or even “influenced by” a star sign. I have a twin brother, we were both born on May 15 within 15 minutes of each other, in the same location, in the same family. We are VERY different.. as is my sister from both of us, who was born on May 16. I find star signs interesting in an academic kind of way… but for me there are really too many inconsistencies here. To label L as a certain type of person seems to me to be “tricky”… I am sure you could find a group of other people, all born at the same time as L, and they would be greatly different from one another. Still, it is intriguing that a person’s star sign can sometimes match a person’s personality / traits rather closely. My personal conviction is that each of us is created by God for His special purposes, made with characteristics and personalities for His own special reasons…… You take care SDN. You are a special person after God’s own Heart. Of this I am convinced :)))
Hi WP, Trying, Running Man and others: It’s been a long time since I have posted. I have been doing a lot of reading and studying. I have come across a few ideas that I wanted to pass along in case it may help anyone that reads this website. I think the reason these people feel like soul mates is because soul ties form. Soul ties are a biblical concept.
It’s my belief that these are ungodly soul ties and need to be broken to find freedom. I think it’s a good idea to get rid of all gifts the person gave you, repent and submit to God, and finally break verbally all soul ties you may have made with the person. You may even want a trusted Christian to pray with you. Then of course… life long abstinence from the person is best to make your marriage work. It’s also best to avoid even thinking about the person after you give yourself a period of grief.
The soul ties concept just clicks for me. This person felt like a soul mate. The feeling was strange and although it was nice at first to bond with someone, the bond was very uncomfortable and something felt off. It did feel like something dark was pulling me under the surface, but wow…. God saved me. Why else would people leave their families and do crazy things for these affairs? It’s deception that pinpoints our weaknesses. I feel for people that go through this now. People have no idea how awful it is.
People often judge, but it’s excruciatingly painful beyond words for everyone. How good people can get sucked into something like this blows my mind, but it happens. That’s why it’s so important to keep the marriage relationship strong to defend against this. I believe once the bond forms, it’s very painful to rip apart, but it has to be done because it’s toxic for all involved. I hope you are all well. I hope your days are getting brighter and more joyful. I pray everyone will find freedom. We may have to sit in the pain for a while, but if we stay the course and keep focused on God, we will be free!
Hi Unhooked, SDN, Nice to see you again Unhooked! Interesting your comments on “soul ties.” I’ve heard this term before. A close “Bible” friendship I can think of right now resembling a “soul tie” is that between David and Jonathan. Paul and Timothy in the New Testament is another… like father and son? Yes, your comments are well taken re. the marriage relationship… so many marriages are under fire these days… Yes, we need to guard our marriages carefully… very true.
Hi SDN… my answer to your last post is here above. WP (Work in Progress)
Hi WP! :) Thank you for THAT response. You certainly make me realize how much God IS watching and How much He loves me. I appreciate all of your efforts WP. This is why I always revert back here to you!
You are right about L; I was disagreeing though as I was reading what you had to say about me shutting out L but I think you are right. L is… ‘Cold’ already, engaging in an EA will only worsen the distance and this is why I agree with you. I love how you make me see all this.
This weekend was absolutely hectic with a close family wedding. A big rush indeed. How are you WP? I haven’t done my biblical studies in such a long while.
I remember now that you DID tell me you r are twin and I forgot that we did speak about your star sign. Will tell you more about this in my next message. It’s bedtime for my babies. I await your response WP. Stay blessed.
Hi SDN! Nice to hear from you! You are most welcome, I am happy to respond to your texts…I am sorry to hear that L is “cold.” This is, of course, not good…. These are the conditions which really make an EA very attractive, and that much more difficult to exit, but of course we both know this. We both need to be careful with EA’s SDN, I recognize your struggles in myself…really! You are a caring person, and you need attention and care, perhaps more so than many people, because of your history. I am like you this way, I find I need the reassurance and attention to. I have voiced this to my wife, and she fortunately understands and really tries. I, on the other hand, need to realize this and lean more on God and His love for me when I sometimes feel the need for attention, but realize that I cannot always expect it whenever I want. This is still a learning process for me, after all these years….. I feel a bit vulnerable right now, but that’s OK.
Another thing I wanted to tell you…Remember I mentioned a “work OW” quite some time ago? Well, I have been corresponding with her for the last several months. She sees me as a father and a friend only, and we talk about her daughter and her rocky relationship with her present boyfriend. She has specifically asked me for help with this relationship, and has expressed to me how she really loves him. She has also said to me, if this relationship fails, she does not want another relationship at all. My wife knows her; they met each other at my work farewell party and they liked each other right away. I guess I am bringing this up because for sure I do not want this to turn into another EA. She does not want this to happen either. She assures me that she sees me as the father figure she never had, and also a good friend. On the other hand, I do care for her and she does care for me; her family has abandoned her, (because of the boyfriend, they do not like him) so she feels very much alone. Her father left her when she was very young, and she very much feels the hurt from this still. So she asks my opinion about the boyfriend, and about bringing up her daughter…and we talk about these things.
I confess to you that I do look forward to her texts, she really appreciates my helping her. I tell her I want to be there as much as I can for her and it is true that I would miss her if she were not in the picture. But then I miss other people at my work too with whom I certainly do not have an EA. I just do not want to cross that fuzzy line!!! My wife asks after her sometimes, and she mentions that we should pray for her, and in the same breath, tells me, “I do not want you to get too close to her!!” I reassure her, “No, I do not want this either! SO…so far, so good. I mentioned her to my daughter as well…who understands very well, that she sees me as the Dad she does not have.
Anyway, this is an answer to your question, ” How are you WP?” Please let me know how you are doing…I hope VERYvery much that things improve with L. Just let him know that you need him and want him in your life, you cannot go too far wrong with that!! I hope to hear from you soon, you take care SDN, WP
Good evening WP. Thank you for your response and thank you for enlightening me on your current situation. I understand what you’re saying. I don’t want to put an alarm on what you just confessed JUST YET. Let’s try a different approach since…This OWW (other work woman) is an alternative to an EA. I’m not going to use the term EA for this one.
The OWW sounds SO much like myself. If I hadn’t known better, it’s as though you described me. The OWW may call you a ‘fathrr figure’ but for her too, it’s an EA. How do I know? My dad abused me so much; he was almost absent in my life as a DAD so I ALWAYS seek the attention of men wayyyy older than I am. OM number 2 is 7 years older. L is 8 years older. Past interests were up to 18 years older. See the pattern?
This ‘friendshp’ you have with her is more like a confidant relationship. WP, only you know what this is. You know. I know you do. Almost a substitute. Perhaps? I wish I could be more transparent with you on how I see this WHOLE thing. I won’t. Not yet. You’re too precious and I also don’t want to assume too much. But yo remind me of me. There’s something about you that is so me. You are a very witty man. I can see that. Maybe I will tell u what I think soon. I just want to hear your response.
And with me… Communications between OM2 and I have not stopped. Now and then we do chat. However my life is very hectic at the same time and I can’t give him my time. We say we remain friends. But I know how I feel. It looks like I am stepping backwards aren’t I? Do you see any similarities between the facts of my current situation and yours?
I think of you often WP and often wonder who you are beyond these words. I still find it fascinating that I can converse on this level with you across the world. Amazing. Oh well. The mystery continues. Stay blessed WP and thank you for being here for me. SDN
Dear SDN, Wow… Your words come as a real surprise. You say “for her too it is an EA” This hits me hard. I was really thinking this is not the case at all, but then your words are extremely difficult to argue with. I did tell her once, some time ago, that I needed more time with the family, and that I could not correspond so much. She was very hurt, (which surprised me) and I had to reassure her that all was OK at home with my family, and that my wife was OK with her asking me for help with her boyfriend. She really wants her relationship to work, she says she really loves her boyfriend, and she tells me that she really sees me only as a father, and… as a friend!
She has said that she wishes she had known me much earlier (I said to her that I would have liked that too) and that she wishes I could really be a father for her “forever” (several weeks ago). I’ve said I want to be there for her… that I was glad to do this for her. I really don’t think she sees me in the classic “EA sense.” Why then would she put such an emphasis on her boyfriend, and if her relationship fails, that she doesn’t want another man in her life? (I mentioned this in my last text.) I’ve also told her I see her as a daughter, and as a special friend.
In a nutshell, her relationship is pretty rocky; they disagree on several basic points, and they have different goals in life (he likes to party and is 8 years older than she, and she wants a stable family, now has a daughter 6 years old). She has two earlier failed relationships, one of whom fathered her daughter. She was married at 21; that marriage failed 10 years later. My own opinion is that her present boyfriend is not good for her. She knows this herself, but is finding it impossible to let him go. (As I said before, her family doesn’t like him, and has therefore taken their distance from her.) She also has significant health problems, which makes it hard for her to work. I’ve been trying to help her with these issues too.
I need your insight on this SDN. Perhaps you’re right when you say that this friendship is more of a “confidante relationship.” You say, “almost a substitute.” A substitute for what? This I don’t understand. I have to confess, that I want very much to see her happy and healthy, and I do care for her. This is true. I do like getting texts from her, I do like our conversations, and I’d really miss her if she were not in the picture. She is more busy now, so we have fewer conversations now these last 2 or 3 weeks. I find it all somewhat stressful though…. this is also true.
I would appreciate your being completely transparent with me SDN on how you “see this WHOLE thing”, as you see this from a perspective which I don’t have. (She is 20 years younger than I.) Your second paragraph is a real “eye opener” for me, in which you describe your own father. How do I remind you of yourself? I would very much like to hear what you think….. now that you have a few more details to work with.
Now for you SDN… Communications with OM2 are continuing? Your life is more hectic, therefore you cannot give him so much of your time. Wow… your situation and mine sound very similar!
Yes, it is amazing that we can converse on this level SDN. Unique really. I appreciate your comments and your time very much. If you don’t mind my asking, why were you absent for so long? I await your response. Take care… WP
Hi SDN, One other thing I wanted to mention… I have been reading the Scriptures more these days. I’ve been hurting sometimes to be honest. Psalm 121 is my focus for now, “I lift my eyes to the mountains, where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord… He will not allow your foot to slip… He will keep your soul… He will protect you from all evil… He will guard your going out and coming in from this time forth and forever.” The Scriptures are very precious. My wife keeps reminding me to spend more time in the Word of God. I know she is right. Thank you for being here too SDN… You stay blessed too. WP
WP, SDN, I am very short on time, and have not been on this site for awhile. I am surprised to see you interacting again on this website, thankful you can support one another, but questioning whether it is a healthy thing for either one of you. You are both very vulnerable, (as we all are!) and it feels like you are sharing a personal one on one conversation with each other on this site like you did last summer. One thing comes to mind immediately is what it says in the booklet, “Emotional Dependency” by Lori Rentzel for you WP –I believe you were able to get that. I urge you to put down your phone and spend time in prayerfully reading and studying this resource. Since your wife has been such a support I would urge her to study it also. It is valuable Biblical counseling in a tiny booklet.
SDN –I am thankful you felt free to come back to this site and tell us about the second man, but was it to interact with WP or to find support? It will be very beneficial for you to read through past posts when you have the time–reminding yourself of the Truth. Reread some of your OWN posts. I’m guessing it will surprise you to see how much you “hated” the EA and vowed never to return to one again. I can say these things because I have been in your shoes.
I am sorry to be so blunt (my family knows this side of me :) I have very high regard and am so thankful to have “met” you both. I’ve seen God working in mighty ways in your lives as you have each sought him and His Truth. Please try not to take offense at my words. I’ll pray for both of you as I know you have prayed for me so often in the past!
WP– (and all who read and search for Truth) The Lord spoke to my heart, and I had to come back to leave this quote from “Emotional Dependency” by Lori Rentzel, p. 17-18. “First, as painful as dependency is, it does give us some gratification. There is emotional security –a dependent relationship gives us the sense that we have at least one relationship we can count on and that we belong to someone. Our need for intimacy, warmth, and affection might be filled through this relationship. And our EGOS are boosted when someone admires or is attracted to us. We also enjoy feeling NEEDED. A relationship like this might add excitement and romance when life seems dull otherwise. In fact, the stressful ups and downs of dependencies can become addictive in themselves.
“Additionally, the focus on maintaining this relationship can provide an escape from confronting personal problems and responsibilities. Finally, many people simply do not know any other way of relating. They are afraid to give up the ‘known’ for the ‘unknown’. The fear of losing this gratification makes dependent relationships hard to give up.”
WP–you have the gift of compassion and counseling, deep insight, and valuable experiences to share that you have earned in the “school of life”. A God given talent–to be used to glorify God and for His Kingdom use –ask HIM who He wants you to mentor. Ask your wife who she is comfortable with –only counsel after she has given her input, reviewed all your advice and then offer counsel as a couple. All wise boundaries and hedges about your heart and your marriage.
Oh how badly I wish I would have known this 5 years ago!! Gently, patiently, with much forgiveness and mercy, God is giving me the eyes of discernment and insight into what a healthy “friendship” looks like. I have developed many new friendships with women from my church over the past 5 years –and I still find myself drawn to the “needy” people. I have many of the same gifts I listed above. We’re helpers and rescuers –with kind, compassion hearts and a deep empathy for hurting people, but we are not GOD! WE are His “work in progress” –and when our goal is to point people to Jesus in their trials –we fulfill the reason God created us –for one purpose –to glorify Him!
Please share my comments with your wife, and ask for her insight if she is willing to discuss it. I am believing God –that He has amazing plans for your “retirement” –to do HIS Kingdom work in healthy relationships. Seek Him first!
I know this following passage is long –but it is a beautiful prayer found in Colossians 1.
“For we have heard of your faith in Christ Jesus and your love for all of God’s people, which come from your confident hope of what God has reserved for you in heaven. You have had this expectation ever since you first heard the truth of the Good News. This same Good News that came to you is going out all over the world. It is bearing fruit everywhere by changing lives, just as it changed your lives from the day you first heard and understood the truth about God’s wonderful grace.”
“…So we have not stopped praying for you since we first heard about you. We ask God to give you complete knowledge of his will and to give you spiritual wisdom and understanding. Then the way you live will always honor and please the Lord, and your lives will produce every kind of good fruit. All the while, you will grow as you learn to know God better and better. We also pray that you will be strengthened with all his glorious power so you will have all the endurance and patience you need. May you be filled with joy, always thanking the Father. He has enabled you to share in the inheritance that belongs to his people, who live in the light. For he has rescued us from the kingdom of darkness and transferred us into the Kingdom of his dear Son, who purchased our freedom and forgave our sins.” May the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ be with your spirit.
From September 2015 post: Here’s the info you requested: the booklet is titled “Emotional Dependency” -by Lori Rentzel. It’s a pamphlet: 32 pages. The publisher: IVP Books (December 14, 1990). Usually, if a book is mentioned and it’s available for purchase, we try to put a link embedded into the title so you can read about it in Amazon.com.
Hi Trying, and SDN, Thanks very much for your latest posts Trying; please know that I value what you have to say… I do have the book “Emotional Dependency” by Lori Rentzel and I have read it, but that was some time ago. I’ll be sure to read it again, thank you :) Yes… SDN and I have had a more one on one conversation as you say… but I think that is partially because few other people have been contributing to this site until now. I value her comments, because we have similar histories, and she has a perspective, which I don’t have… she sees things I don’t see. I also feel she is here for support in what is obviously a difficult situation for her… So I answer her texts as best I can. Of course I have my own struggles, and therefore share them since I feel safe with the people here. I am not perfect, and I’m all too aware that I am NOT God… (I said this a few months ago as well) Please Trying, I never want to give the impression that I have all the answers! (Therefore my chosen pen name (Work in Progress) Anyway, thank you for your comments… I appreciate your time and effort Trying.
Hi SDN… please see my reply to your latest note -just before Trying’s latest posts. Cheers, WP (Work in Progress)
Trying, thank you also for your Scripture references… all very “on target!” Yes… I do need to seek Him first!! My wife has been telling me the same thing. :)
SDN, thank you for your latest post!! I look forward to your reply… and of course to the replies of others on this site as well… Cheers, WP
Hi WP. Thank you for your responses. You asked me why I didn’t come here for so long… I was too ashamed WP & I guess when you’re engaged in sin, you tend to forget all Godly avenues. I was too distracted but I did think of coming back many times. I just felt it was hypocritical.
WP, I will be transparent. When I say you remind me of myself, I meant I’m rather manipulative. I can control a situation and hide things exceptionally well. It IS wrong but I guess I have the knack of doing it. I can tailor a situation so that no one will know the authentic facts. Like the EA I was engaged in. Correct me if I am wrong WP and I am so sorry if u feel I judged u in the same light as I see myself. U often refer to your wife ‘knowing’ and your daughter ‘knowing’ and u often reiterate how transparent u are with regards every relation. I somehow feel that u disguise the situation. U tell the truth but not all of it. Eg: if I am chatting to OM nr 2. L will know I have a known person (EA nr 2) on Fb who I converse with n perhaps I’ll show him a pic or 2 of his kids but I don’t show L everything. I AM being transparent but not entirely. WP, all I am trying to get at is; dig deeper within yourself and figure out who WW is to u. The absence of her upsets u. And vice versa. Is that not some what of an emotional attachment.
WP I have tried to put thgs in perspective and this is how I SEE it. I dnt want u to justify yourself now. U do that often. I think its best u answer the q for yourself. EA r so easy to get into WP. I know that so well. Things aren’t better on my side :( Please please do not take offense to all I have said to u. I would nvr want u to be upset.
Hi Trying, Thank u for your recent post and your concerns. They are much appreciated. For me, WP is THAT person in my life to whom I confess my sins. It makes me feel better, hence I address all my posts only to him. I am doin it on a platform that is rather exposed to many. I do see how things may look. However I do not post here every day. Neither am I in any way attached to WP. WP has helped me so much and I see that I help him too. The rationale behind the distinct connection between us is because of our similar history. We feel the same. Hence we can relate to each other perfectly. Our conversations are not on any thing personal but is always directed at our current EA plight. Thank u for your words Trying. OM nr 2 is still v much in d pic. Right now WP and I r concentratin on his side of things. I am awaitg to vent on my situation. I trust I have answered all Qs u asked WP. Stay blessed and take care. SDN. I await your response.
Hi SDN, Re. your absence for a time- I can understand that you felt ashamed, and therefore did not return for a time. I hope that you no longer feel shame. To tell you the truth, I was thinking that maybe you did not return because the entire situation was concluded, and you no longer felt the need to be here. It’s not hypocritical to return SDN; rather it shows strength in you, that you are prepared to face possible judgment. Hopefully you now know that was not a risk for you.
And now… re. your main message- Well, you have certainly been transparent, and I have given your words serious thought. I do not feel judged, so no worries about that SDN. I think you are right in what you say. I guess now it is confession time for ME. While I would miss OWW if she were not around, I would also happy to see her doing better with her present boyfriend, and I really would be VERY stressed if she were to REALLY concentrate her affections on ME. I am truly convinced this is NOT the case. There IS that small part of me which likes the fact that she asks me to call her and to help her, and also the fact that she cares for me. And yes, I do care for her… true… and I do like to feel needed, but at the same time, it IS stressful for me. For me, I want this to be a friendship ONLY, and I am confident that she sees me as a father and a friend ONLY. The next weeks are very busy for her, so we will be talking less often. To be honest, this is a relief for me. I need to take more of a back seat with OWW. I know. And I’m doing this now. I’ve told her that I love my wife very much, and she has urged me to spend time with her and the family, and she and my wife have met each other, and talked with each other, and like each other. Please know that I’m speaking the truth with this text, and also that I really DO NOT WANT an EA!! I would appreciate your input here SDN, and that of others who read this.
I hope you feel the freedom to express your situation SDN… your plight with OM2…. how you are doing…. we ALL fall short SDN… you, me, Trying… everyone. God gave HIs Son to pay our price… yours and mine… and that of everyone else in the whole world. We all need Him, don’t we? I sure do! Thank you for being transparent with me SDN. I appreciate it. WP (for sure a “Work in Progress” with more work needed…)
Hi SDN (also Trying and other readers) Please read my text of March 11, 2016 at 11:28 before reading this one? Thanks.
Today March 12 has been remarkable… I will try to make this short as possible but complete. SDN, I have given far more thought to your last text, and I must admit that this relation with OWW is moving toward “EA” perhaps more from my side than from hers, although after your latest words, perhaps on her side as well- this I now do not know. Also that your words about manipulation are accurate, Yes SDN, I must confess to you that I am guilty of this too. And yes, to admit this hurts. I do thank you for showing me this in myself, which I now see to be true. I am even good at hiding things from myself… God talks to me too through you SDN. I am thankful for you.
Yesterday OWW and I talked quite a lot (text and telephone). In short, her boyfriend ended their relationship last night. She texted me with this news, I wrote, “Do you want me to call?” She replied. “I don’t know… I will talk to (her best female friend’s name.)” “Good idea… you do what you think is best.” I said, followed by praying hands symbols, to indicate I would pray for her. Very early this morning I wrote her a text, saying that this was a good development…. the first days are hard, but they DO get better… remember the stresses and problems when you miss him…. now these stresses are over…. I told her that I was proud of her…. (she sees me as father). words to this effect. I have heard nothing from her at all today.
In the meantime, today we went to visit friends in Germany… Of course I have been wondering how OWW is doing…. During our visit, we went to a bridge over the Rhine river, where there is a longstanding tradition for couples to put a padlock on the fence on the sides of the bridge to indicate their commitment to each other. I have seen this once before, and suddenly had the strong urge to do this with my wife- to get a lock, and renew my commitment to her. So we obtained a small padlock, and I etched our names on it, with our wedding date, and today’s date, with the inscription “love always.” We found an open spot on the wire mesh fence and fastened the lock in place so we could read the inscription. I renewed my commitment to my wife, and she did the same with me. Together, we walked to the railing, and as this tradition goes, we threw the two keys off the bridge into the river. Now our lock cannot be removed, and we both know what it says and where it is located. There are many thousands of locks on the bridge…. This event was very emotional for me, as I was trying to demonstrate to God, to myself and to my wife, that my commitment is to my wife and to my wife only. (Our friends looked for their lock and finally found it again after placing it there 10 years before!) We took photos, and our friends remarked that this was special for them too. Interestingly, just after we threw the keys in the water, while we were taking photos, a freighter came toward us on the river, and passed under the bridge. The name of this freighter (one of hundreds which pass by every day) was “ETERNITY.”!! Later on in the car going home, I told my wife why I wanted to do this. I told her I regretted the Facebook EA’s now over since last June 2015, and was happy that this was now finished. I then told her about OWW (my wife knows her, so this was not completely new), that I cared for her as a father and friend (this my wife also already knows) but that also I was beginning to get into the danger area of caring too much….that romantic feelings have taken hold, but that I did not want this and was doing my best to stop this progression. So we talked on about the details of what “caring too much” means. Essentially I admitted to her that the direction was getting dangerous and that a wrong soul tie was beginning to form… also that I initiate more contact than does OWW. My wife asked, “Do you have a sexual attraction for her? Is this a problem of temptation for you?” I answered to her first question, “Yes, she is very good looking, as a normal man I do.” To her second question, I answered, “No, never. I could not live with myself. She would not do that either.” This is the truth. So we really had a good discussion, and I do feel that this has now been brought to the light between my wife and me. I feel that our fastening the lock on the bridge, and our discussion has placed a healthy distance now in me between OWW and me. We know where that lock is, and what it says… It is like a wedding ring for me, witnessed by our friends as well. It will be far easier for me to take no further initiative to contact OWW, as agreed with my wife. I already miss her less, and I admit I feel relieved, that the direction is turning and that my wife knows as well. Writing this is also help to me. I would appreciate any and all input… thanks for reading all the way to the end here! WP (Work in Progress, more work needed)
Hi wp. Wow! This news is amazing. Thank you for your post above. It is always nice to hear from you and more so that this remarkable change has happened within you.
The lock I feel is of more significance to you. Like within you. I somehow feel it is more a promise you made within yourself. Almost as though you really made your mind up this time. I absolutely understand you when you say you don’t want an emotional affair and especially with oww. That is how I feel too. It’s like all the ingredients for an affair prevail but our conscience does not wanna go through it. This is amazing.
I think we are guided by the Almighty. He is holding us so we do not fall.
I am happy for you wp. And this time I believe that this is a new change in your life and you have been guided onto a very new path. Embrace it. Thank dear God for these new feelings. Always remember that sometimes you will be alone and might feel to speak to oww again. Try your best to defeat temptation.
Wp, things are not going well with me and om2. I am attached. I am curious. I like him too much. Yes yes.. This is danger zone. Yesterday my husband and I took our kids to this water adventure park and om2 knew of this so he also brought his family. We did not see each other as the place was busy. Om2 does not make it easy for me to step away, it’s like he is too much in my face and when I pull away I feel bad for him because he is like weak and I know it’s like his world becomes dark and he is a wreck. I know ths feeling so well because that’s how I used to feel when om1 never used to talk to me. It’s very bad. I on the other hand don’t feel like that for om2 but he feels ths way. I feel sooooooo bad wp. And also I miss him when we don’t talk and I am sooooo curious and tempted to meet him. I feel like I am in the deepest an darkest parts of the woods right now wp. I feel out of control. Wp, I might meet om2 next week. Its a casual meeting. Of course 1 in secret. Please do not judge me. I am sooo secretly excited. That thrill. Wp please let me know your thoughts on this. I anticipate your response soon. Stay blessed and keep well. I am so happy for you . Sdn
Hi SDN, Sorry, this is a bit long…. but I feel that all of it is necessary. Please bear with me and read to the end. Then please give careful consideration to the content here. I pray that God would cause you to forget that which is not OK for you, and to remember that which is from Him.
Thank you for your latest text! Yes, the lock was something I needed to do for myself, you are right about that. Yes it is a promise I had to make, and did make to myself. I am trying to put additional brakes in place to guard myself… and put a “stronger fence around my marriage.” When I imagine the pain and anguish for my whole family if an EA were to go ahead unchecked, I realize I HAVE to take more definite steps to protect myself. Yes SDN, as you say, “we are being guided by the Almighty” in His direction. True. But WE have to make the choice to follow His leading. . That decision He leaves to US. However SDN, I am still not out of the woods. I have heard nothing from OWW at all- this is highly unusual… and I cannot stop myself from fretting about her. This is not good ,and it is so hard to not call her!! I am happy that my feelings are very much “father / daughter” but I do not like the fact that I have heard nothing. I just have to wait and the waiting is difficult! I have sent her a text this morning (praying hands symbols only) and again tonight (same idea) to let her know she is not being forgotten. I feel I should do no more than this. You know what? my wife just now asked me, How is (OWW’s name)? I just finished telling her that I have heard nothing, and expressing my concern. She said, “You have to let it go now….you cannot keep fathering her like this!” Yes, true I said… so I told her the last texts I wrote, she said, “that’s good, it is enough now….” This was a help to me… to let it go more and more.
Re. you and OM2….. SDN….. You are SO right!! This IS danger zone!! Yes, you ARE in the deepest darkest part of the woods! I KNOW how bad you feel!! (PLEASE settle in your mind, once and for all, that I am NOT judging you SDN!) You are very close to out of control SDN. SDN, if you meet OM2 now, this could get physical, you said this yourself: March 4, 2016: “This EA was so different from the 1st. The 1st was just a mind game for the OM with no real substance, as opp the 2nd, where real feelings were involved and physically, the affair would have been inevitable. As I did state He gave me EVERYTHING I desired. I am glad I ended it before it moved any further. I would never have lived with myself. I would have hated myself.” SDN, I am frightened right now for you, as I write this- I really am!! I KNOW you are excited! I KNOW that thrill! I KNOW the void in your life; (I have the same, remember?) We have talked about that! Remember, I am NOT judging you!!
SDN, you rightly said to me (thank you!), “Always remember that sometimes you will be alone and might feel to speak to oww again. Try your best to defeat temptation.” I needed to hear this from you SDN, and thank you again for it. I also think it would be good for you to read your own text and apply it to your own situation. Here below are specific suggestions on how you can do this.
PLEASE consider carefully what I say to you now. You need to make hard decisions now, to protect yourself, your marriage and your children. God says in His Word, “Let no one say when he is tempted, ‘I am being tempted by God,’ for God cannot be tempted by evil, and He Himself does not tempt anyone. But each one is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust. Then, when lust has conceived, it gives birth to sin, and when sin is accomplished, it brings forth death.” SDN, you are in the last phrase of this progression. You are about to “accomplish sin” and thereby “bring forth death.” God also says in His Word: “No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond that which you are able, but with the temptation, will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it.” I am saying here that you need a specific “way of escape, so that “you are able to endure it.”
This way of escape is of course very specific for a given situation, but one common element is to tell someone else. Once the secret is exposed, it loses it’s power over you. One example is your text: March 4, 2016- ” I don’t know how I would have overcome the 1st EA if I didn’t converse with u all the time WP.” Your telling someone (me in this case) about OM2 has also been of help to you- same principle. Another common way of escape is to take specific actions. For me, it was deleting my FB page, to MAKE it impossible for me to go back, and also, to tell my wife. THAT was a big step! For you, it was to delete OM2’s tel number, knowing that this action will “burn one of your bridges.” THAT was also a big step!! Remember you told me that?
It is my suggestion to you now that the “way of escape” for this more dangerous situation is to tell your husband. Tell him you need him in your life, that you miss him, that you want him. Tell him that it hurts you when he is “cold” Tell him that you are sorry you have focused too much on the children… admit this and other mistakes which you know are your responsibility. Prepare yourself carefully, and prayerfully. THEN, perhaps you should tell him that there is another man who likes you… AND…. that you are beginning to like this other man… but that you DO NOT WANT to go in a wrong direction, and that the DANGER is THERE. Tell your husband that you NEED HIS HELP and his LOVE in your life……. you will know how to word this. Ask him to HELP you NOT to go WRONG! You cannot do this on your own… again, the “secret” needs to be exposed for it to lose it’s power over you. I feel that either you take a drastic step, (this is a suggestion only) OR that you meet OM2 and take a very high risk of this EA spinning out of control… with all the horrible consequences therefrom. Perhaps talk to a close trusted female friend, and get her to back you up. Please DO NOT GO to this meeting SDN….. do what you have to do to avoid it! Your very life hangs in the balance, and I am choosing my words carefully here. I await your response SDN. I have great respect for you, as you know. WP (Work in Progress, more work needed)
Hi SDN! Two websites here for you: see what you think… there are also a lot of sites on the right hand side bar…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2He3GweEDVE and https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LQUMFYNe8sk Take care of yourself SDN. As you say, stay blessed… Please let me know what’s happening with you? WP
Hi WP. U ARE truly a guardian angel. I have read what u have to say. I understood everything. Please try to understand me. Try. And then let me know. I read your message and was immediately deTterred. Ur words were effective. I spoke with OM2 and we concluded to end all cntact and the EA. However, we will Still meet this weekend. The reason being is that if I don’t, I know I will always wonder and think what if. Its my curiosity. However I am head strong on ending the affair thereafter. OM2 is heartbroken and yes I have a lot of preparing to do. It is final WP.
I will not change my decision on meeting him. I will have faith that it will be a farewell. I know it will. WP, pls tell me your thoughts on this. I intend coming here afterwards and expressing how I felt abt the meetg. I am not puttg too much emotion or thought on d meetg. My conscience is playing a huge role here. It won’t allow me to be physical with him. I already told this to OM2. OM2 says he wnts nthg frm me bt he hopes I rethink my decision so we maintain atleast a friendshp. I can’t n explained to him why. WP I will nvr tell L. Do u remember my rationale? Take care WP. Stay blessed. SDN
Hi SDN, Yes, I read your message, and believe me, I do understand. However, I wonder if it is really wise to meet this weekend. You say, “the reason is that if I don’t, I know I will always wonder and think what if. It’s my curiosity.” About what will you always wonder? What if…… what? What is the choice you are trying to make? If you have agreed to end all contact and the EA, then what are you curious about? Have you never met him before? I thought he is the father of a boy in your daughter’s creche?
SDN, I understand so well the conflict you are having… I know how very difficult this is! I know from the most recent experience I have had with my OWW, that I have had to, in your words, “dig deeper within yourself and figure out who WW is to u.” This was exactly right SDN. And I’ve done this to the best of my ability. The answer for me is, I really do see her as a daughter and a friend. Your words really helped me here. Now I am saying to you to do the same. You need to “dig deeper within yourself and figure out who OM2 is to u.” But I think you have already expressed this. “I am attached. I am curious. I like him too much…..I miss him when we don’t talk and I am sooooo curious and tempted to meet him. I feel like I am in the deepest an darkest parts of the woods right now wp. I feel out of control. Wp.
Your situation is very difficult because you both are being pulled toward each other- and you alone are fighting it. If you feel “out of control,” are you really so confident that a meeting is a good idea? Are you not placing yourself in a position of extreme danger? Your words to me are very accurate: “I absolutely understand you when you say you don’t want an emotional affair and especially with oww. That is how I feel too. It’s like all the ingredients for an affair prevail but our conscience does not wanna go through it.” My conviction is, that if you go ahead with this meeting, your emotions may override your conscience and you’ll end up doing something you never thought you could do.
Oh SDN!! I KNOW this conflict!! OM2 is desperate to have you… you are strongly attracted to him… this is a dangerous cocktail of emotions which could blow up- like placing a lighted match too close to a firecracker. You’re the lighted match SDN… OM2 is the firecracker… How long were you planning on meeting? 2 minutes? or several hours? Are you not making it far harder on yourself to carry through your decision to end your contact? Seems it would be far easier and less dangerous with a well written e-mail or SMS. Writing those letters to my on-line OW’s was hard enough! I cannot imagine how much harder it would be to meet with them in person, and then having to end the relationship. Did you have a look at the Internet sites I sent? They are a real help for me!!
I DO understand why you’ll never tell L. Yes I remember your rationale. SDN, I really feel for you and I really respect you. You are a loyal wife and a person of integrity, but you are being severely tested. I know how hard this is! Think about a “way of escape” available to you, and please make use of it. Please do not do something you will regret for the rest of your life… If L were to learn of this, what then?
You know SDN, our histories are similar and we understand each other so very well. We’re both in the position of looking at each others’ situations from “outside the box” and helping each other see things from an objective point of view. This is unique SDN! As you said, it’s amazing that we can talk to each other on this level from across the world. My point is, that your observations have helped me put things in place, and have helped me avoid terrible heartache. Please consider my words carefully, and please make use of “ways of escape” readily available to you. As you said, we are both being guided by the Almighty… are we not?
Ah well, SDN, I’ve talked long enough. I await your response, and I’m more than happy to be here for you. You have helped me tremendously you know. If you do go through with your meeting… Please do come here afterwards and express how you felt, and also what happens??? no matter what? OK? Please never feel judged… please only feel understood and supported… Take care SDN… WP
Hi SDN, Just wanted to say the following… I’m pretty sure you’ll go through with this meeting, and, as you requested, I have expressed my thoughts on this. I also know that you’re determined to make an end of things, and I’m confident that / sincerely hoping that, (a mix of these two- to be honest) you have the strength to do this. I will definitely think of you this weekend, and I hope and pray for a positive outcome.
I await your next text SDN. Please don’t be afraid to come back here, OK? EVEN IF the meeting “goes wrong” OK? EVEN IF you don’t make an end of things OK? I and other readers have all walked in your shoes. No judgement here at all SDN :)) You stay blessed too SDN… Take good care of yourself… WP