Emotional Cheating – Dave Carder

This Emotional Cheating You Tube video features relationship expert Dave Carder. Dave currently serves as Pastor responsible for Counseling Ministries at the First Evangelical Free Church of Fullerton. He also serves on the board of Marble Retreat Center, in Marble, Colorado. Additionally, Dave Carder is a family therapist. Plus, he is also the author of several books including: “Torn Asunder: Helping Couples Recover from Infidelity.”

More Concerning Emotional Cheating

To add to Dave Carder’s explanation, here some added info concerning emotional cheating. It can also be termed as having an emotional affair. Below is a brief explanation of what it is:

“An emotional affair is when you develop an attachment or desire for someone other than your husband or wife. It is when you find yourself frequently thinking about another person. You’re longing to see or speak to them, or even fantasizing about them. And although sexual intercourse has not taken place, you have nevertheless crossed the line. You have allowed that person to enter a part of you God intended only for your spouse.” (Michael and Wanda Collins, from their article, “Emotional Infidelity – Emotional Affair”)

Below is a bit more of an explanation:

“Here are several warning signs that you may be having an emotional affair: You are withdrawing from your spouse. You are preoccupied and daydream about your friend more and more. … Additionally, you find yourself anticipating when you can communicate or be with your friend again. Alone time together is important to you. … You are sharing your thoughts, feelings, and problems with your friend instead of your spouse. … You are keeping your friendship a secret from your spouse.” (Sheri Stritof, from her article, “What You Need to Know About Emotional Affairs”)

More Info

Additionally, here are two recommended “tests” that can help you better determine if you are emotionally cheating:

The Windows Test: If others could see your behavior while you were engaging in an activity, would it seem inappropriate? In other words, if you were on a computer or engaged in a conversation with a colleague, and someone was looking at you through a window, would it be seen as acceptable behavior? The Walls Test: If you feel that the activity requires secrecy, or a wall to cover or conceal the behavior from your partner then perhaps some type of infidelity has occurred.” (From the Bellevue Christian Counseling article, “A Christian Counselor’s Perspective on Emotional Infidelity”)

Concerning Emotional Cheating:

The following are two ways you can guard your friendships from going too far. Gary and Barb Rosberg recommend that you:

Dismiss and replace tempting thoughts. Don’t allow any unwholesome thoughts to make a home in your mind. If those thoughts enter your mind, it’s time to look away or leave the room. If you can’t leave, shift your focus away from that person by thinking of your spouse. Start praying for your spouse and your kids. Wrong thoughts don’t easily coexist with sincere prayer.

This is the biblical principle (found in Luke 11) of removing and then replacing evil. You may need to be persistent in these actions. But they’re well worth the effort. First, you toss it out. And then you replace it with something good. Additionally, Gary and Barb recommend:

When all else fails, run for your moral life. If for some reason you find yourself in a compromising situation with someone of the opposite sex, immediately and physically remove yourself from that situation. You don’t have to explain or apologize. And don’t let the other person convince you it’s no big deal. Do what Joseph in the Old Testament did when Potipher’s wife attempted to seduce him. Drop everything and run. (From “The Great Marriage Q&A Book”)

You’ll find additional info in the Emotional and Physical Affair topic of this web site. We pray it helps!

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