“How can I get unhooked from an emotional affair?” There is not easy way to do this. And it’s important to know that it will involve a process of time. In that process, several practices are important.
First of all, to get unhooked from this situation, separation is important. The emphasis here is on abstinence and sobriety. You don’t indulge yourself with the other person’s presence. You must stop exposing yourself to this shared life experience. The contact is what keeps these feelings alive. That is why you need to stop feeding the compulsion.
To get unhooked, first of all, separation is important.
The emphasis here is on abstinence and sobriety. It’s important not to indulge yourself with the other person’s presence. You must stop exposing yourself to this shared life experience. It is the contact that keeps these feelings alive. To get unhooked from them, you need to stop feeding the compulsion.
I hasten to add that you just can’t bury these feelings.
Therefore, the next step is identification.
What is the “something” this person touches inside you? What unmet need does he tap into? Sometimes the infidel can process this with a spouse or a same-sex friend. But other times that will need to be done with an experienced counselor who is committed to restoring the marriage.
My experience is that the longings that underlie infidelity go back to childhood. The infidel brings them with him or her into the marriage. They often were touched upon or satisfied in the initial phases of the relationship with the spouse. But over time have been buried by the crush of life’s responsibilities.
Furthermore, the next process to getting unhooked is exposure.
Don’t allow these longings and feelings to remain a secret. The longer an infidel allows these feelings to continue as a secret, the more he or she will idealize the person the feelings are attached to. Idealization means this partner becomes perfect. As a result, no one else (e.g., the spouse) can measure up. The partner is beginning to be seen as “all good,” and therefore the infidel will have to see the marriage as “all bad.”
As mentioned earlier, if you encapsulate these feelings at this point, they will only lie dormant to be triggered again later. I usually encourage the infidel to share his feelings with his spouse, after seeking counsel. After all, the spouse has been involved in this story already (in that all affairs are a triangle, even if the spouse is unaware). He or she might as well know the secrets that are occurring in his/her marriage.
The next concept to get unhooked is to journal.
Write down the feelings you are experiencing in this rather involved and tortuous journey. Feelings don’t have to control an individual. But their influence is strongest when they are held in secret. The longings that have led to this emotional affair are a part of the childhood magic. That’s why journaling them gets them out into the open, into the adult realm.
The next step to getting unhooked is displacement.
You can use this process in tandem with some of the other processes. Here you do something else in lieu of focusing on the partner. You can exercise, get involved in spiritual development, or take on different projects or hobbies. This is the “doing” part of healing.
The final idea is to grieve.
Though this is extremely difficult for the spouse to observe, it is important and necessary. Many times this needs to start with a “good-bye” letter. (It is written to the adulterous partner.) Most infidels find this very painful to do. It seems so unnecessary initially, because seemingly “nothing evil has happened,” since they didn’t have sex. Only after thorough processing, and the passage of time, will the infidel be able to look back and see how befuddled his/her thinking really was.
This is also a good time for the infidel to review his/her “loss history.” As a result, this leads naturally to grieving. What other significant caregivers, friends, loved ones, or pets has the infidel lost that parallel the lost feelings in giving up the affair? The infidel will probably want to do this in private and only later will be able to share the depth of the experience with his spouse.
(But there’s a caution here: The depression is not about what you feel for the partner. Instead it is about what you are feeling, period. Keep the partner out of the equation. It will make it easier for your souse to listen to your feelings. And it will be easier for you to connect with the feelings in your heart that need processing.)
The Healing Process to Get Unhooked:
Neither your partner nor your spouse can release you from the emotional hook you’ve experienced. Many spouses caught in this kind of emotional affair have found portions of The Serenity Prayer helpful:
“Lord, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.”
Be careful of changing the components around. Don’t try to change the things you cannot change. That will only lead to frustration and anger. On the other hand, don’t accept the things you should be changing. That will only lead to feelings of victimization, a sense of “What’s the use? I can’t lick this, so I might as well give in.”
Time, the healing process, always requires a backward look.
Encouragement is not usually the result if you look to where you need to be, feel like you ought to be, or even want to be. You will see the feelings diminish as you look backward to where you were three, six or nine months ago.
Rebuild and concentrate on the lost relationships that contributed to the vacuum that the emotional affair filled. That could require quite a search on your part, some intense conversations (even confrontations) with people in your life, a lot of focused reading, and even some trips/visits to significant places in your childhood.
Enjoy the process and reschedule the experiences that made your marriage good in the first place. Here I encourage couples to each identify the “eight greats” of their marital experience. Independently, each spouse should identify the eight great experiences, or highlights, of their marital history. Then they decide together on five that they’d like to repeat. You see, shared history is a critical component of intimacy. Rare is the spouse who won’t join “the almost infidel” in this endeavor and experience recovery from close call. Why, most of us had close calls ourselves.
Some Cautions for the Infidel:
Temptations do not an identity make. Some people struggle with the same temptation for years. For instance, just because someone wants to smoke again because he’s tempted doesn’t mean he’s a smoker. Don’t let the temptation to return to the partner shame you into feeling “What’s the use? I might as well give in. I’ll never be free of these feelings.”
Second, remember that in periods of high stress, difficult emotions, transition, and marital dullness, you will feel an increased desire to return to the partner or to renew thoughts of him/her. At times, infidels report that they have yearnings to think about this person just to see if the feelings are still “available” as in the days gone by. This “testing” is common to obsessive-compulsive behaviors. And the intent is to prove to oneself how far one has come in the recovery process.
Also, be careful. This process can begin to mimic the destabilization process of a Class 2 affair. Such practices only intensify, rather than lessen, the attraction —and the hook goes much deeper.
Some Encouragement for the Spouse:
First, remember that these longings were present in your spouse before you entered his or her life. You didn’t create them. And you probably can’t fully satisfy them.
Second, you did tap into those longings early in your relationship in some fashion. The longings were present in the initial feelings of what love is all about. For whatever reason, the infidel settled for the initial feelings of what love is all about and superficial satisfaction of those longings, versus deepening and maturing them. This is not your fault. Many times it is the result of a combination of circumstances. It can include work, school, family, and so on. But the exciting thing is now you both can go deeper in your love for each other.
Last, both of you will eventually forget the partner. The memories of this experience will fade in the same way that a widow or widower forgets about the loss of a good first marriage if the second marriage is a pleasant experience.
It is possible to rebuild after an emotional affair has been discovered. Work through these steps and you will make progress. This is the kind of stuff emotional intimacy is built on, and that is the key to any good marriage.
This article comes from the excellent book, TORN ASUNDER: Recovering From an Extramarital Affair
Filed under: Emotional & Physical Affair Emotional Infidelity
WP, SDN, Lots of posts since Iast week. In a nutshell what I’m reading is a struggle between right and wrong, Good and evil. Praise God, the Omnipotent One, who sees and knows all, for your experience WP, with your wife. I rejoice and wanted to shout praises when I read of the Loving Kindness and Mercy of your Heavenly Father and how He has blessed you such an “Ebenezer”. He has rewarded your obedience and commitment to your marriage and sealed how important the marriage vows that we made many years ago are… Forever! Thanks for sharing that huge victory!
SDN–I can only say one thing. You once called me the “mom” figure on this site. So as a MOM, I say LISTEN to your Father, your Heavenly Father and your online “father”. I would underline and repeat EVERY word that WP has cautioned you with. I pray my words are not too late. Many, many times over the past 5 years on this site, I’ve read the same words and rationale from other men and women who wanted a last good bye. I think of RM account of waiting 7 YEARS to tell her –it almost always does not end well. It is NO mistake that you have found this online community from around the world. God has led you here for a purpose, because He makes no mistakes. God loves you very much and has blessed you with a husband and 2 precious children to focus on. These other relationships are distractions and are robbing your family of your love and attention.
Prayers for wisdom and grace to keep doing the right thing! Blessings of peace and NEW LIFE as we anticipate celebrating the Blessed Easter Season! Spring has arrived with a flourish in my part of the world, and it is such a beautiful reminder of New Life found in Jesus!
ps I feel selfish speaking of myself, but we have been NC for 6 weeks, except for mutual social events where we have said Hello twice. I’ll be out of town until the end of the month, so praise God, that will create a natural boundary of time and place for another few weeks. NC works plain and simple –God’s ways work when we obey them. I am thankful.
Hi SDN, Trying, Thanks so much Trying for your latest words. As always, very uplifting! NC for 6 weeks!! WOW! A notable achievement! And now travelling until end March, so yet more time to heal and move forward. Yes, Trying, you ARE a “mom” here…. I hope you visit every so often. Yes, Easter is coming… and at such an opportune time…
Hi SDN, and also Trying,
SDN, please read my posts of March 15, 2016 at 2.42 am, and March 16, 2016 at 7.17 am together with that of Trying, March 16, 2016 at 9.12 am first- these follow your most recent text of March 15, 2016 at 9.06 am.
I need to update you both on my most recent developments. I need to confess a few things.
SDN, I mentioned the OWW whose boyfriend ended their relationship just recently? Well, I did hear from her and I have been talking with her a lot in the last several days. I have to also admit (again) that you were right SDN, about my being transparent, but not “all the way transparent.” You’re showing me this was a good development. Well, even though my wife has met OWW, and likes her, and even though OWW sees me as only father and friend, there is a part of me which cares too much for OWW, that there is an unhealthy emotional tie (EA!!) on my part. In order to talk with her, I was making efforts to do this when my wife was not around. WRONG of me! I knew this, but the pull was too strong. I felt guilty and uneasy, but the pull was again too strong. Anyway, today I went to the post office to mail a package for my wife, but the real reason was also to get the chance to talk with OWW again. My wife sensed this, and asked me if the real reason to run that errand was to talk with OWW. “Yes,” I said. “I did talk with her.” We had a heated, but very constructive discussion. My wife and I called OWW together and had a good conversation in which I admitted that I was talking with her without my wife, and that clearly a change had to take place.
OWW was very understanding, and said, “I am a jealous person, I would not allow my husband to do that.” SO the outcome is I will be No Contact with OWW from now on. OWW understands this, and agrees. In this conversation, we all agreed that this EA was never boyfriend / girlfriend, nor was there ever a sexual element here at any time, and yet, as my wife pointed out, “Why did you sneak out of the house to talk with her?” You don’t do that when you talk with OUR OWN daughter!” Good point, of course!! I had an unhealthy soul-tie which needed to end. (Unhooked’s text from March 4, 2016 at 8.14 pm is very good here.) Even though not boyfriend / girlfriend, but still EA! Yes I will miss our conversations… and I told my wife this. Yes, I care for OWW, and I will miss her. I told my wife this too, but she knows this anyway. But I also feel relieved. It’s hard, but this is right. I need tranquility and rest now. I have to admit that I am tired…. and sad. But I feel better too.
I am also telling you this because I want to give you an accurate impression of me. I am sinful and manipulative, and tell partial truths. This is painful to admit. I don’t like this in myself. I can write beautiful words for others, and at the same time pursue something I know is “not quite right” in my own life. I can hide things from myself pretty well, and turn my eyes away. EA’s are SO deceptive, SO tempting, SO dangerous! Even though I know this so well, I was still trapped by it. I need to read my own posts and abide by them.
God is clearly letting me go only so far and no farther. He is teaching me and revealing me to myself, and yet gently guiding me out of the quicksand onto firm ground. He is trying to save me from myself! Now it’s my turn to ask of you, “Please don’t judge me.” WP
I could (and have in years past) written your post, WP! The beauty of the Patient, Loving, Heavenly Father who is leading and guiding you through these troubled waters has not left you. I praise God for the Godly woman you are married to, that loves you like she does ENOUGH to “get real” with you, and walk beside you through this. I’m curious if you have found other employment after your retirement. My reason for asking is so very often when a major life change occurs… a move, a death, a job change –we’re much more vulnerable to seeking this attention/affirmation. I’ve seen this time and time again over the past years with myself and many others.
Once again I refer to the booklet by Lori Rentzel–pages 21-28 of “The Path out of Dependency”. Step one–get honest with ourselves, then we are ready for honesty with God. Next –being honest with another person –and separate ourselves from the person. You have done this!! Now– “Let God Work –cooperate with the Holy Spirit” p.25. Pages 25-28 lays out a long term plan and expectations. “The immediate reward of giving up these relationships is peace with God and ourselves. After the grief and pain is passed, we discover a new freedom to love and minister to others. Our lives are founded on the real security of a relationship with Christ, not on the false security of a dependent relationship.” p.30
I’m praying for your peace! I have often said this has been the best (and most painful) 5 years of my life so far.
Hi Trying… Thank you!! Thank you for these very special words! I really need them now. I know that God has not left me, of course I know this. And this is what keeps me going. But when you say His Beauty has not left me… Wow!! That is a completely different idea! I sense His Love and patience. He knew all along that I am like this and that this would happen. I’m beginning to “fathom” the Father’s love far better in these recent weeks. I’m being given a better “picture” of what “the Love of God” really means. Of course this does not give me license to “do what I want” but rather the confidence to repent and pick up the pieces and get on with living. I hurt for OWW… but I need to leave her with her Heavenly Father. Our conversation with the 3 of us was very good… actually, we agreed that I would have no further contact with OWW unless my wife is with me and only if my wife agrees. My wife likes her- they get along well really. Of course I will hold to this agreement for sure. Yes, I’m very thankful for my wife. I know I’m very fortunate with her! She prays for OWW you know…
Actually I was able to secure an arrangement with my former employer, which covers my financial obligations until I can start normal retirement at the final retirement age. I did take somewhat of a loss when compared to what I would be getting had I continued working, but… 3 years of not working at all does have a price :)) So, all in all- I’m OK with this. I’m not allowed to work for a wage until the end of August 2016, then I can go ahead and seek another job. So now I am “free” and we are adjusting to my being at home.
I do have Lori Renzel’s book… it’s a tiny little thing, but very well written! I need to read it several times to allow the content to sink in and take hold. Thank you Trying, for your time and effort to write to me. I hope you contribute more to this site… WP
Hi WP and trying. Thank you Trying for your words. I know that everything you say is righteous. Thank you for your support and taking the time to advise me. It is so blessed to always have you here and giving us advice from a different angle.
Hi WP.
So much has happened since we spoke. First, before I go any further, THANK you WP for all your posts to me. You are certainly holding my hand through this. I feel your support. You’re such a wonderful friend and I am so blessed to have you here. How would I go through this without confiding and confessing to you.
I read ALL your posts everyday. I wanted this meeting to go forth so I can come here and express myself. We did meet. WP, none of your words would have deterred me. I just knew it and that’s why I intentionally did not respond. You have the power to persuade me, YES, but my curiosity was more this time. I saw OM many times at my girls creche events. He is a bit oblivious to his surroundings. He did not see me. I found him on FB and started chatting to him. A handsome, smart married man- the challenge! I HAD to. (Shame on me). Did I succeed with my motives? Yes, he fell head over heels.
Our meeting was… Satisfying. We talked a lot. We were a bit affectionate with each other but he is a gentleman and reserved his desires. It was me who PLAYED around. NOTHING but kisses and touches. He was smitten by me and me by him. We also discussed the farewell. Time FLEW by. I had to get my feelings out of my system. The desire.
The longing to have such an ‘out-of-reach’ man hold me and kiss me. The flirting. The playfulness. It was a meeting at a mall. Rather nerve wracking but I enjoyed it. Gosh WP listen to me talk… I just had to but honestly would you. OM is like begging me to not be done with him. I explained why and he understands but he just doesn’t want to let go of me. THAT is the hardest part for me! I have to leave on my own strength.
Monday is the day we decided to go NC. I hope it works WP. Engaging in the ultimate sexual act with him? I could never. I made up my mind BEFORE I met him and I still don’t want to go ahead with the affair. I thought of you many times WP; even while I was there. Like my conscience kept holding me back. Yes I WANTED to feel his touch and his kisses but for ME, that’s all I wanted. My battle is more the missing of conversation. I will pray that I can now move forward. Whether I fail or not` I will always come here and confess WP. The EA battle isn’t an overnight thing.
Yes WP. The issue with OWW. Don’t you think God is guiding you. Yes He is. And yes I agree with Trying, you have an amazzzing wife. Bless her. Everything is now out in the open. EVERYTHING, so now it’s all up to you to maintain your distance from OWW. I honestly believe you will feel sort of empty at times but I have faith in your strength now WP. You speak with conviction especially recently. The change in you is distinct. God’s hand is at work in your life right now. You are seeing and feeling his work clearly. I am so happy for you WP.
Once again Thank u WP for being here. Stay blessed and take care. SDN
Hi SDN, (I am in Germany until tomorrow…therefore the name may be WP from EU from Germany). You are welcome SDN to my posts! I am very happy you have found them of such benefit… really! I am also very happy you feel so free to come here and express yourself, and that you feel safe doing so. I have to be honest… I don’t know quite what to say in response to your text… so… here goes:
Of course I have been wondering how you have been doing these days. Whether you had gone ahead with the meeting. After your last text, I would have been surprised if you had not met with OM2. I do not want “power to persuade you,” but rather to write words of conviction to deter you from falling into a horrible situation from which you would have to fight for your life to extricate yourself. I am happy you feel your meeting was a success…for you. To be honest, it sounds like OM2 was having a terribly painful time at this same meeting though. I can certainly understand that “OM is like begging you to not be done with him.”
I refer now to your following text: “I found him on FB and started chatting to him. A handsome, smart married man- the challenge! I HAD to. (Shame on me). Did I succeed with my motives? Yes, he fell head over heels.” Knowing that our histories are similar, may I ask you the following? What were your motives, SDN? Were your motives (in which you say that you succeeded) to prove to yourself that you are still attractive, and that you can win the affections of a handsome man? If so, I can fully understand that. but it is extremely painful to the man here…to fall head over heels for an unavailable woman (you).
SDN… SDN!! I UNDERSTAND this…. but it is SUCH a trap!! You need to believe in yourself so much more!! SDN… it is a BATTLE to overcome convictions set in place during childhood… and discover the “real you,” the “dynamic you,” the “attractive you,”…the “smart you” with whom your husband fell in love. I KNOW what it is to have a poor self image; I KNOW it is hard to overcome this. I perceive in you a loyal, pretty, quality wife and mother – so does your husband!! I also see in you a damaged, hurt girl who has missed a father’s love, and who therefore needs more attention and affirmation as a result.
Believe me SDN, I know how that feels. You know my history as well. Therefore I feel I can say this to you. I sincerely hope you can maintain NC. I believe you can SDN. For now you seem to have “dodged a bullet” but who knows when this will happen again? It seems, from what you say, that you planned this from the beginning, and, as you say, you succeeded in your motives.
What is preventing you from trying this again with another “handsome, smart married man- the challenge!” when you feel bored, or miss the excitement ….. the thrill?
PLEASE KNOW that I do not say such things from a position of condemnation, but rather from a position of a father who sees his precious daughter moving in a very dangerous direction.
I am happy I confessed my shortcomings to you and Trying. I DO NOT LIKE these tendencies… and I sincerely want to be rid of them. Yes God has His Hand on me… and Yes I have an amazing wife. I am concentrating all my attention toward her now. I want nothing to do with EA’s, as exhilarating and exciting as they are!! (You write VERY well SDN! Your descriptions are VERY realistic!!)
I pray to God for His guidance and help. We love each other so much you know. we are married now 36 years. I will tell you this, that the immediate benefit of NC is PEACE… and freedom from stress. I just cared too much for OWW, similar to my on-line EA’s. The big difference is that OWW never had boyfriend / girlfriend feelings for me…(as far as I know) and she was concentrating on her boyfriend. I did feel that excitement with her that you describe, true. It was wonderful to feel her care for me, true. It made me feel attractive and worthy…also true. But my wife’s care and love for me are God’s provision for me. Seeking affirmation outside in the form of an EA is not the way. As you said so well about yourself, “An illicit affair is NOT for me. I guess it all boils down to MORALS vs PLEASURES. It didn’t settle well with me. The whole affair idea.”
Yes, SDN, I will keep my distance from OWW. Thank you for your words and for your faith in me SDN. God is looking after you too SDN. I am happy to be here with you, and to be here for you. Please correct anything I have said here if you feel it is necessary. I really hope to hear from you soon. Of course I wonder how you are doing. You stay blessed too SDN. WP.
Hi WP. Thank u for your above post. I must say that everything u have perceived with regards myself and the situation I find myself in, is 100 perc correct. Very perceptive indeed n that’s why I find no reason to go on and on in justifying what I did and why. I know u fully understand my situation. However just a bit more clarity. OM, yes he was the challenge, to see if I can get him to fall for me. Its hard to explain really. If he had made himself toooooo head over heels and tooooo ‘puppy lovish’, I would have lost interest. It boils down to getting something I can never have. I don’t want him any other serious way. I guess maturity or the lack of it plays a big role here. HOWEVER, you struck a nerve when even you highlighted what my actions was doing to him; an innocent loving family man. I am ashamed. theres nothing left for me to say about that.
Today will be day 2 NC. and I’m going very strong. Yes I often pine for him BUT I’ve started to realize what having him and welcoming his presence into my life was doing TO HIM. I am maintaining NC more for him now. thank u WP for highlighting the fact that it was me who was hurting him. Infact once when I tried to pull back weeks ago; it was him who said that “next time’ I shouldn’t do this to anyone because it hurt him so much and he also once said that by leaving him I have ‘ruined his life’. How well I know how this feels WP. This is what OM1 did to me. I am happy to say that he seemed ok when it was time to ‘pull d plug’. I guess he has been down this road with me before and I did emphasis how much he means to me and that in my eyes he is perfect. WP; he IS!!! Had things been different, I would have pursued him. He’s a good man with beautiful emotions. I love that about him. Anyway, I once again deleted his nr off my phone (it was him who texted me prev giving me back his nr). AND I found an ingenious way on FB to never ever give opportunity to text someone or allow a text from some1. Its called BLOCKING MESSAGES. but the key here is to delete the whole conversation afterwards and to not have that person as your friend. FB has not developed this feature well so there is this loop hole which evidently works v well for me. so I have absol NO way whatsoever, even if I miss him sooooooooo much , to text him. Nothing!
Enough about me WP. How ARE you????? How are u holding up??? God forbid but it looks like your time here is almost lapsing. You seem to be doing so well. I’m so happy for u WP. U are in that liberated place that I felt last year Sept. Hiow beautiful God works everything out. I have been praying well quite lately. I have also been focusing mor on my family. This makes me sooooo happy. I know that I’ll never go wrong. there will be times that I’ll see Om but I hope I can keep up my end of the plan. NC! I can see Gods work in my life now. I’ve learned what an EA can do to my life and how an EA can cause havoc in another persons life. Thank u WP for always giving me your input. I appreciate it soo much. steay blessed WP and take care. SDN
Hi SDN, Thanks for this latest post. Yes I think I do understand your position so well. OM2 was your challenge… to see if you could get him to fall for you. To see if you are really “worthy” and many “valuable”… “pretty and smart”… “worthy of a handsome man’s affections.” Of course I have to ask myself the same question, Why the 3 on-line EA’s? Why so soon afterward the OWW? If I am honest, it is because I liked the attention, the fact that a young woman cares for me… I liked the thrill… I liked being valued. I liked the newness. It’s also because I genuinely cared for these people. I didn’t want to see them go through what I had to go through. I wanted to spare them the hurt I knew for so long. I liked being needed.
I think these needs and longings are in themselves not wrong. We just need to find healthy ways of meeting them, rather than through illicit affairs. Yet we both know how hard it is to resist… but you’re doing this SDN, and you will succeed. Of this I am confident. You say “I’ll never go wrong!” Just have a care SDN… don’t let down your guard… you know how sneaky and attractive and EA can be!
God is looking after you, as I said before. Now you’re finding that “way of escape” in terms of your “ingenious way on FB to never ever give opportunity to text someone or allow a text from someone. It’s called BLOCKING MESSAGES. But the key here is to delete the whole conversation afterwards and to not have that person as your friend.” God has given you a creative mind. When I first read your text: “A handsome, smart married man- the challenged I HAD to (Shame on me). Did I succeed with my motives? Yes, he fell head over heels.” I felt that your tone with the phrase (Shame on me) “was a bit playful and nonchalant. THIS worried me. AND surprised me! “Ooooo” I thought, “SDN really does not know the affect this has on OM2.” However, when I read your latest text, I can see that you really are the loyal, well meaning girl and wife I thought you are all along!
I can appreciate also that you must be a very pretty girl. Men are visual creatures as you know… Your husband obviously thinks well of you, OM1 and now OM2… But you know? It’s a wonderful thing to flirt with your spouse, and be playful… and coy… knowing that you do not need to hide anything, and that you can certainly deliver without guilt at the end of the day!!
You are asking about me…. I am doing pretty well I think. I have not spoken to OWW at all since our 3-way telephone conversation last Thursday… and I haven’t thought about her so much. We went to visit Berlin last Friday, and arrived back yesterday early evening- so I have been distracted by all the places we have seen, so many new impressions… as an American, to go there was a unique experience. I do have that empty feeling you mentioned… but I recognize this, and I really do NOT want to fall yet AGAIN! I pray a lot these days… I ask God to teach me and help me… I stand on His promises, “Seek first the Kingdom of God, and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.”… “Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.”
Is my time here almost lapsing? No… I don’t think so. I like to come here and read the new additions, and to answer them if I feel an identification with the situation described. There are so many hurting and unhappy people…. when they enter a text and it goes unanswered…. that’s not good. On the other hand, sometimes I do answer, but the other person does not respond…but do they read the replies entered? I don’t know. I do know that you have been a unique help for me SDN. I appreciate all your texts and return to read them often. I really hope you come back from time to time, and let me and other readers know how you are. Is your time almost lapsing? I hope not… Thank you too SDN for always giving me your input. You’ve been a blessing to me. You and Trying both. I hope to hear from you both… I will see any text you write, and will be glad to answer. I would appreciate the same from you SDN, and from other readers… Cheers, blessings… WP
Hi WP. Thank you for your response. Day 3 NC. still going very strong. WP, I wish there was a faster way to contact you however I know why that would be impossible and why its best that there is no other way to converse with you but a platform that is observed and moderated. Why I say this…TODAY I WOKE UP AND I HAD THIS UNCANNY FEELING OF DISLIKE FOR OM2. funny right?? I wish I could have told you at that moment. Its like something happened overnight. YES I still miss him but I am not attached. I find that so …odd! I mean here I was absolutely smitten with OM2 and absol sure, this was gonna be a long process but….No. I thought of so many reasons why I should not like OM2. I didn’t even have to have deep thoughts. the feeling just came from nowhere. OM2 reminds me a lot of my dad. And I am sure u know about MY dad and how…absent and horrible he was. sounds familiar…. How many times did I say this about OM1. Oh well, this is a divine intervention. I feel it WP. You asked me a pivotal question sometime back…. (in my own words).. what will happen when I have the urge again for the ‘challenge’??? WP, I say with the utmost conviction, God’s hand is at work in my life.I am being taught a very valuable lesson. It takes many speed bumps and falls but I believe God is crryg me. YES, I dodged a bullet the last time. I am starting to SEE. I feel I am always so blinded. blinded by superficial traits of a man. The chivalry…The extreme wit… the looks… The sex appeal. WHEN I have a gem right under my nose. something I just need to work on. L is amazing … And I am silly!!!
How are you WP??? Today any better??? Thank u for the verses from the Bible. I love when u quote from the Bible; I always read them as messages specifically for ME. WP I understand what u say when u said u liked the attention from the OW. that’s how I felt. And it made me feel youthful and vibrant. Alive. Its like u can fulfill any fantasy when u are textg or engaging in some 1 new. Yes an EA does seem very attractive, very promising too…. But lethal. Lethal to the ones we love but most of all, lethal to US. I believe that everyone who has been here has been saved. An EMOTINAL affair, different from a physical one. how much more the repercussions!!!! I was saved. Beautiful things are also happening in your life WP. I hope to hear from u soon. stay blessed WP and take care.
Hi SDN,
I’m very happy to hear from you!! Thank you for your latest text! I have been wondering how you are doing….. Good to hear you are still “going strong!”
Very interesting your last thoughts on OM2. This I would not have predicted. It seems to be a good development… but I cannot really explain it. Yes, I wish too that you were able to tell me at that moment, but… as you say… there is no other way. You still miss him but you are not attached… This is GOOD! It will make the letting – go process that much less painful…. a special “bonus” for you! Fascinating that OM2 reminds you of your father. Did you not perceive this earlier? Or are you seeing this now for the first time? But isn’t it true that women are attracted in some part to men like their fathers? I have heard that this is true of men being attracted to women similar to their mothers….I find psychology fascinating really…. amazing that you were “smitten” and now, in your words, “I HAD THIS UNCANNY FEELING OF DISLIKE FOR OM2.” Anyway, we can analyze it….. but it seems more fun to just…. enjoy it!
Maybe God Himself has caused this change in you… Could well be!! You and I need to replace the lies we experienced and accepted as children with the TRUTH of Scripture. Only in this way can we be free of the lethal lure and fall-out of an EA. Only in this way can we really discern truth from error. It was in 1977, now 39 years ago, that I asked the Lord Jesus Christ into my life and asked Him to forgive my wrongs. That was after a near fatal car crash, and several other “close to death” encounters which left me determined to find out whether the claims of Jesus to be God’s Son were valid. After much research and consideration, and His intervention, my personal position is that this claim is true. The Bible tells us, “If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is LORD, and believe in your heart, that God raised Him from the dead, then you shall be saved…..” and again, “God so loved the world (this means everyone… and you and me) that He gave His only Son, so that whoever believes in Him should not perish, but have eternal life.”
You are a very perceptive person SDN. Yes God IS at work in your life…. and you DO sense this. He is holding your hand in a very special way. You say that you are blinded. Maybe so…. but I think you see far much more than you admit for yourself…. but that you (can) turn your eyes away anyway. Is this right SDN? Your L is very fortunate with you. God is waiting for you SDN… to consider the claims of Jesus, and ask Him, the Son of God into your life………He knows your every thought… and my every thought… and He loves us anyway. This is how real fathers are. Real fathers, of course reflect Father God at the end of the day.
Today was more difficult to be honest. I am by myself far more often now than ever before, and I confess I sometimes find it hard. The old feelings of being forsaken and alone come up more often. I know this is a throw-back to my early history and I recognize this more easily now. I then have to turn to Scripture and allow God the Father to lavish His Care on me…. to be honest and vulnerable with my wife…and take that risk. I REALLY wanted to call OWW today…. but I did not. I WANT to hold to the agreement I made with my wife…. I WANT to be in the place described in Psalm 91: 1,2 “He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress, My God in Whom I trust!” To engage in an EA for a “short term fix” is to step out from “the shelter of the Most High.” To call OWW is to have that short term “thrill” because she cares for me….. and then have to deal with feeling guilty because I “gave in.” No Thank You!! Your words are well chosen… “Lethal” So true SDN…. so true. You are really helping me here you know…. thank you. God speaks to me though you. You are not silly SDN. You… and I… have done some silly things…. true. But now you are moving forward… in God’s care. And with God’s help, and your input, so am I
Writing this answer to you has been a real help for me… to get rid of the feelings of forsakeness and realize yet again that you,… and I …are loved and protected by God. I thank God for you SDN.
Take care of yourself SDN. I hope to hear from you soon….. WP
WP, I need your prayers. L found out. I am in the dark. Please help me with words and prayers. I pray that dear God protects me. I have learned WP. I HAVE LEARNED :( :(
Hi WP. I just wanted to tell u how in distress I am. I am in the darkest place ever right now. Please give me your words of encouragement. Today I received a call from OM’s WIFE. It was horrific. I started to cry. WP, I was doing so well with NC and then she had to find out. She wantd answers and I told her, not everything. I want this whole thing to blow over. I am praying. She forced me to tell L or she was gonna do it. I told L :( It was the hardest thing ever WP. More so, the hurt in him. OM’s wife has made certain threats so these next few days even weeks is gonna be torture. I feel worthleSs at this point. I feel like I have nothing. I lost everything. Mor so, I lost L. Emotionally. He will never trust me again. He is already so distant, and now I don’t know what to expect. But WP! I sincerely DID quit this EA. So why did this have to happen when I was trying to move forward? WP I am just torn up. I wish I could make thgs right but I can’t. I know sOon enough L is gonna question me on thgs and the lies r gonna come out. WP its so bad. I betrayed L. I did this to myself. I learned my lesson. I wish I hadn’t done this in d 1st place. Its never worth the heartache, the disgrace, the loss of trust. The loss of EVERYTHING.
Oh SDN!!! Of course I will pray! Of course!!! God IS looking after you SDN! How are you 2 now?? What is happening with you?? I will be here for you SDN, I will check this site until I hear from you. Don’t worry… just tell the truth… no lies… no trying to get around it. I will pray… of course! Please let me know how you are doing. WP
SDN…. some Words for you — Psalm 34:
4. I sought the Lord, and He answered me, and delivered me from all my fears.
6. This poor man (or woman) cried, and the Lord heard him (her) and saved him (her) from all his (her) toubles.
7. The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear (respect) Him, and rescues them.
12. Who is the man (woman) who desires life and loves length of days that he (she) may see good? Keep your tongue from evil, and your lips from speaking deceit. Depart from evil and do good. Seek peace and pursue it.
18. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted (you… and L) and saved those who are crushed in spirit.
19. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all.
Psalm 147:3 “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”
Psalm 121 — Read all of this Psalm…. Highlights:
5. The Lord is your keeper, the Lord is the shade at your right hand.
6. The sun shall not smite you by day, nor the moon by night,
7. The Lord will protect you from all evil; He will keep your soul.
8. The Lord will guard your going out and your coming in from this day forth and forever.
Psalm 91 — Read all of this Psalm too…. Highlights:
1. He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shado of the Almighty.
2. I will say to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress, my God in Whom I trust!”
I John 5:14-15 “This is the confidence we have before Him, that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us, And we know that if He hears us in whatever we ask, we know we have the requests we have made of Him.” His will is that your marriage will succeed! You can confidently pray in this direction and be sure that He is right there with you!! Follow His instructions as He gives them to you….
Isaiah 54:7 “No weapon formed against you shall prosper…”
Isaiah 55:6 “Seek the Lord while He may be found; call on Him while He is near.”
I will pray of course for you and for L and for you both. Please let me know how you are. I will be waiting to hear from you. You will be all right!!! WP
Dear God, Lord Jesus, Please surround SDN and L… OM and his wife with Your Presence and Your Care. May you visit L where he hurts and give him understanding for his wife SDN. May OM’s wife be given special understanding for OM. May Your Word be in the hearts of each of these 4 people as they seek to get beyond their pain and out into the sunshine again. Take care of each of these special people Lord God… in these very difficult days! Please give SDN Your words to say to L… and the same to OM for his wife. May You surround each wtih Your angels and give them strength. Help them to sleep… Help them to heal.
SDN… All is not lost… I will of course continue to pray. Many husbands and wives have gotten through this and have not only survived, but have come out very well. When you are ready, perhaps you can look up these websites…
https://marriagemissions.com/how-to-survive-infidelity/comment-page-1/#comment-346732
http://marriagebuilders.com/index.html
http://beyondaffairs.com/audio/success-stores-from-couples/mike-and-esther/
http://familyshare.com/faith/be-still-and-know-that-i-am-god-10-ways-to-recognize-gods-power-in-times-of-trouble
https://marriagemissions.com/how-can-i-get-past-the-sadness/
I will post again very soon SDN. Please let me know how you are… when you are ready. WP
Hi SDN, Please see my two posts in “Older comments” entered before your most recent post. SDN- You are NOT worthless… and you will get through this! I think many readers here pray for you, even though they may not post. God is never far away… and He hears your prayers! Please know you are not alone, even though you feel very alone… Yes you DID quit this EA, and you WERE doing very well!
Please tell us all here how you are doing when you can. I pray for you 4… WP
Hi WP. Thank you for your posts. I appreciate the effort, the kindness, the care but most of all, your sheer presence. It means so much to me. I don’t know how I would have gotten thru last night. I see here that you prayed for my night as well. I slept OK. Was up for about 45 min and my mind just didn’t wanna shut down. Fears, anxieties, regrets! It was horrible. Today is this huge prayer in our town and I am afraid to go. I know that OM and his wife will be there. I am afraid WP. I feel like a coward. Just a rat. I see what my actions have caused. It degrades you so much. Yes I still feel worthless. Yesterday I sat on my bed and looked ahead dumbfounded for so long. I was in shock, empty but thoughts were running through my mind. WP I am still afraid of the outcome. What is OMs wife does not wanna let this just blow over. I pray she just leaves it. She swore me and told me such horrible things. What is happening between L and I now is punishment itself. I Pray that God protects me. He will. Only He knows what’s best. I am trusting Him. My 4year old daughter came to my bedside draw and pickd up my Bible I haven’t read in months. She wanted to play with it. I declined and took it and just read and read and read. I don’t even know if what I was reading was staying in my mind. I kept repeatg the verse that says I should not be disgraced and God should protect me. WP thank u for your prayers. I know the power of your prayers. Its now up to TIME. I am slightly positive…deep down I am positive. But I am sad. I didn’t tell L abt this because he is such an amazing man and it would have been selfish of me to tell him what I have been doing. However a part of me wonders if he will think about how he has somehow contributed to it. He asked me WHY did I chat to him? And I said, It just felt nice when I did. He just walked away then. The only reasons that keeps me alive are my children. I feel so torn apart. L does not show much emotion. I know he won’t trust me again. I wish he would open up to me. Pushing me away is not going to make it any better.
Hi SDN, I have thought of both you and L a lot today SDN. Thank you for this text.
It is good for you to post, and to express yourself. You are NOT worthless, you NOT a coward. You are just human like all the rest of us. I can imagine you were awake… that’s why I pray that you are able to sleep. OM’s wife is angry now, but she will be more occupied with her own husband, and her own house as these initial difficult days go by. If she calls again…. try not to answer her in a harsh way, but rather in a gentle way…and hopefully you don’t have to talk for too long.
My only input for now, besides my prayers, (which you have) is to be completely open and transparent with L. No matter how he feels, his anger and hurt will tend to be softened by your contrite heart, your willingness to admit to this mistake, and your understanding as he works through this for himself.
Proverbs 15.1 “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”
Your prayers and my prayers have gone up to God for your protection, and I am confident that He will provide it. There is no doubt that L will think about how he has contributed to this, especially with the letter that we wrote earlier, remember? Perhaps bring that up at an opportune time? and tell him that you were trying to get his attention, and made a terrible mistake anyway? I am NOT implying that you should even HINT at the idea that this is his fault, NO, but rather that you were crying for help, and did not want this to happen, but regretfully, it DID happen. You can tell him that you need him in your life, that you miss him, that you want him. Tell him that it hurts you when he is “cold.” Tell him that you are sorry you have focused too much on the children…admit this and other mistakes which you know are your responsibility.
Prepare yourself carefully, and prayerfully. THEN, perhaps you can tell him that there was this other man who likes you… AND…. that you were beginning to like this other man… but that you DID NOT WANT to go in a wrong direction….. but…. very regretfully…. you did…. You can tell him that you WISH you had come to him sooner…. You will know what to say… these are just my ideas from the viewpoint of the hurt position that L is in at this time.
I can only imagine the hurt you both must feel right now. But no person can resist a contrite and repentant heart for long.
If you handle this well SDN, I think there is a good chance you will come out stronger than you were before. I will pray for this outcome for you and L. Openness, transparency, and owning this mistake. L will open up I think, but he will need some time. The fact that he is so hurt tells you how much he loves you. If he were not hurt at all, this would be a far more negative development.
I do not want to go on for too long; I can imagine you must be very tired. Intense emotions have a way of draining energy very quickly….. Of course I will pray. I hope to hear from you soon. You have my prayers, SDN. WP
Hi again WP. Just wanted to fill u in. L and I had a good talk. It wasn’t a long nor a constructive ‘talk’. But it was effective. Basically I told L WHY I did what I did and that he needs to pay mor attention to me and treat me like his wife and that I’d like that very much. I also told him that he should take every Sunday off from myself and kids and its imperative since he feels stressed and that’s why I am the one that feels neglected. He is upset about what I did and he made excellent points of which I took full responsibility for.
HOWEVER, I did not divulge entirely the whole story WP. Besides hurting him, I would have lost a big part of the man who is my everything. From yesterday to today, the distance between us KILLED me. I realized how much L means to me. He is MY best friend. And I think I have been blessed so much with L in my life. I didn’t see this before. I always looked at the negative. WP I only hope and pray, that this whole thing doesn’t get pursued by OMs wife. It will shatter everything. I hope that where I find myself now is Gods chance to me. He had mercy. I pray sincerely. I have faith in Him. I did not attend the prayer. L and my daughter went. I went thru the sites u suggested and I found them very informative. After reading ‘be still…God”. And the 10 ways of being Still, I decided to stay home and be still, pray and listen for Gods reply. I needed the break. Maybe it helped me and that’s why I was able to talk to L.
What ever it is, THANK U WP from the bottom of my heart for praying for me and advising me. It has helped me so much. I’d have went thru ths on MY OWN. Thank u and I pray that God blesses you WP. Immensely! All I can do now is hope for the best. If this stays this way, I will never ever doubt the power of prayer. I have prayeD like never before. I hope to hear from u WP. Stay blessed. Always.
Hi SDN, Ahhh wonderful that you had a good talk… It is good that you stayed home… good idea. Yes, there IS power in effective prayer… we have seen this time and time again!
You will know SDN, what parts of the story you can divulge and what parts not. God Himself will guide you in this. L needs to hear exactly what you say here… your text, but modified by me for L: “From yesterday to today, the distance between us KILLED me. I realized how much you mean to me L… YOU are MY best friend. And I’ve been blessed so much with you in my life L!! YOU are the man for me… I realise this so much more now. I’ve been looking too much at the negative… for this I am sorry…
The more you and L can come together the better. OM’s wife will have that much less impact on you both. I will pray for this of course SDN. L loves you SDN… sure he does. It sounds like you have made significant progress in a short time!! This makes me happy. Just be honest, and transparent… espress your love for your husband L… let him know… be consistent… It feels like you’re in a better place now than only a short time ago… I have a better feeling about this now.
God IS blessing me SDN. Thank you for your hope for that. God has you and L in the palm of His Hand… He is guiding you… don’t lose faith. Keep your eyes on Him… be patient. You are NOT a coward, you are NOT worthless. I have great respect for you.
I will continue to pray. Please let me know what’s happening… and… HAPPY EASTER!! WP
Hi SDN, Hope you are doing better today. Did you see my post of March 26, 2016 at 10:30 am? This was posted after your text of March 26, 2016 at 12:12 pm. May God bless you and L… protect you both… and take care of you both. WP
Dear WP. Thank u for your amazing posts and most of all being my pillar of strength during what I’d call the most traumatic time in my life. Was so scary. I’m not outta the woods yet. All is well between L and I. In fact I anticipate things being better. The only thg that can go wrong now is OMs wife messing this up. WP, last night I found myself goin thru site after sites on MM and others. I read up on Prayer and on praying for your husband and the importance etc. All under this site. Was absolutely informative and enlightening. Changed my perspective on prayer and on L and more especially on marriage. I guess a good transformation for me. Last night I also found myself sincerely praying for OMs wife as though she was someone I loved and cared for. Today I prayed to God about everything in the way I read about. I felt powerful. Leaving things in Gods hand- I need to trust God more. WP, I don’t wanna talk too soon but I am slowly seeing the purpose of the weekends event with OMs wife. If this thing has ended and blown over; then it was something that God willed. Definitely. What do you think? The rationale being the obvious.
How are you dear WP? I kept you in my prayers too. I am blessed to have you. U are a gift from God WP. Your purpose was more for EA2 than EA1. I don’t know how I would have handled this whole thing. And I know u would have prayed for me. Thank u WP. I appreciate just even your mere presence here. Even if u just read. I hope u r doing well. Please let me knw how things r on your side and how u r managing the ‘loss’ of OWW and how things r with your God-given wife. Stay Blessed WP. SDN
Hi SDN, ….So good to hear from you….. Of course I have been wondering how you are. You realize that it is quite remarkable that, in your words, “All is well between L and I. In fact I anticipate things being better.” This is amazing really!! Of course you know that it could have gone WAY wrong!!! God is clearly at work!!
It is very good that you are praying so much…. also for OM2’s wife… of course for L. I think you can imagine how OM2’s wife feels… so it is good that you pray for her. Perhaps this is the best way to fend off a problem stemming from a negative reaction on her part? In any case, positive prayer for her, OM2 and of course L cannot go wrong!
You say, “If this thing has ended and blown over; then it was something that God willed.” I think you will agree that affairs are not God’s will for marriages, but, as you know, God will not violate our own will. He WILL give clear warnings, but the decision is left up to us. I don’t want to analyze the thing too much, but I think it is safe to say, that when we turn from a bad decision, and do things His way, that God is ready, willing, and MORE than able to carry us through and turn something very negative into something beautiful.
Thank you so much for keeping me in your prayers SDN. This is worth GOLD to me. To answer your question, we are doing very well. I have not spoken to OWW at all since Thursday a week ago. My wife prays for her, and perhaps we will call her together tomorrow to see how she is. She had a scan of her head done (MRT) to try to see the cause of her migraines and light sensitivity. I will certainly keep to my agreement to have no contact with her unless my wife is present with me. I do miss our conversations. But I do NOT miss the stress I had earlier when the thing got way out of balance. God is looking after me too SDN. I am SO thankful for that! Yes my wife is God – given… she is doing very well.
Your L is also God – given SDN. I will continue to pry for you 4. Things seem to be looking SO very good for you. Just continue to stay close to God and close to L, ..and transparent; continue to pray for OM2 and his wife. Keep talking with L. I have high hopes for you. Things look VERY good SDN. Makes me VERY happy for you… REALLY!! Please let me know what’s happening will you? I look forward to hearing from you SDN. You take care……. WP
Hi WP. Thank u for your post. I am glad that things are also looking gOod for u. WP, I know I’m gonna state the obvious, U have one gem of a wife WP.. Woman r such that when they feel rejected even indirectly or bruised, they get very hurt and sometimes lose hope in their other halves. I know I would be shattered. But your wife is a remarkable human being . She is your angel. She helps u in ways that other woman will never even consider. She must really love u UNCONDITIONALLY. She deserves your loyalty more than anything else. And I am pretty sure u have learned to be loyal to her. Sometimes it takes many falls even for a mature person, to learn. We r never too old.
Thank u WP, I will continue praying. WP, when I said ‘God willed…’ I did not mean God willed the affair. Oh no. U see, even tho I quite the EA and went NC, my mind would wander off to OM and I’d anticipate the next time I’d bump into him or see him At my childs creche events. I stopped the link between us because it was bringn me down. I did it bcz I wantd to move upwards. Not because I became less attracted to him. I very much missed him n his chats. The wifes phone call and ‘finding out’ was willed by God. It compelled me to tell L. Do u remember your post on finding an escape and I rfused telln L. L findg out also made me realise the consequences of what might happen had I went all the way with OM. I’d have lost L. It also made me realise Ls worth and value in my life. He is my greatest blessing. God compelled the END of things and not the half hearted stop of the EA. Now I feel resent and I despize OM. Do u rem me telln u I woke up with a feelg of dislike for OM? It was the very morning I found a miscall from a prv8 nr on my phone. OMs wife was tryg to reach me. She only got a hold of me 2days later. Maybe… somehow… I don’t know… Somehow I ‘sensed’ something. I am v intuitive WP. The day b4 OMs wife called me I dreamed I was watching the huge snake slither above me and I told L and we were watching it slither away when all of a sudden it deceived us and came right AT ME, almost biting me but just scratched my face and I felt as tho I was so lucky. Do u see the similarity?? The snake being somethg dangerous, coming towards me directly but just missing me miraculously. God showed me the consequences of my actions WP. That was the purpose of the call and the force that drove me to confess to L. I hope its over. There are other worries, but I will tell u that sme other time. So a call to OWW… Tell me how it goes. WP, have u been reading the Bible lately? How should one START reading the Bible because I just usualy read proverbs and Psalms. I hope u had a good weekend WP. Stay blessed. SDN
Hi SDN, Please see first my text just above -March 27, 2016 at 2:41 pm -Thank you. I was reading again your text: “I don’t wanna talk too soon but I am slowly seeing the purpose of the weekends event with OMs wife. If this thing has ended and blown over; then it was something that God willed. Definitely. What do you think? The rationale being the obvious.”
If you’re asking whether the weekend event itself was God’s will… That’s very hard for me to say. We can speculate. But I don’t think we will really know for sure. I think our motives have a lot do do with whether our actions or words are inside… or outside the will of God. My own impression was that you went ahead with the weekend event to have that last “good bye” and to see him and enjoy being with him that one last time. Very understandable of course!! Very human… It is God Who has made us and not we ourselves. I think we’re harder on ourselves than God is sometimes. :)
I do know that when we sincerely want to follow God, and turn to Jesus His Son to help us turn from our wrongs and do things His way… that the scripture verse Romans 8.28 comes into action more in ways we can see… “And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.” “All things” includes of course, our mistakes, and even, I believe, those things we do or say which we know are disobedient. That last point is tricky…but the verse does say “God causes ALL things!” I also believe, that when we willfully disobey, that we do not escape the painful consequences of disobedience.
Ahh yes SDN, I am talking again too long. A spontaneous Bible lesson for us both today. God is looking after you SDN and also after your God-given husband. He knows your shortcomings and your failings… and also those of L. He is also a Father Who loves you and L without reserve and without end. When you have a better appreciation of the Love of Father God then your perspective changes dramatically. Jesus referred to God as “Daddy” (“Abba Father!” in Mark 14.36 means “Oh Daddy Daddy! All things are possible for him who believes!”) -a familiar and endearing term). I’ve been learning this in the last months… As you know, it has taken me a very long time (more than 30 years) to begin to appreciate/understand really, the “love of a father.” I don’t doubt this is likely the case with you too… knowing your history. But please correct me if I am wrong. I hope to hear from you soon SDN. It is good to talk of these things. I enjoy these exchanges wtih you. You have a good day SDN, WP :)
Hi WP. The weekend event I referred to was the p/call from OMs wife and confessing to L; not the farewell with OM. Don’t even wanna think of that farewell right now. Anyway the more days that go by, the stronger I become and believe that this thing is blowing over.
Besides this awful unfold of events, how was Easter WP? I just got up from an afternOon nap. My mind is now settled ofcourse. As opposed to the turmoil it felt some days back. Last night L went out from 1pm to 4am this morn. I was sort of upset but I prayed about it. He needed the break I guess and naggin him wasn’t gna make thgs better so I ddnt say a word of negativity except asked him what he gt up to and if it was fun. I am going to allow these times from now on. I was reading up on how a wife should pray for her husband and that he works all day and the last thing he needs is to come home to more ‘work’ and nagging. I’m so glad I read that.
WP, my dad… Still causing havoc in my life deliberately. But I am mature now n maintain my distance and leSsen my speech with him. I also dnt retaliate to his negativity. He is partly to blame for my horrible desires. My sense of insecurity. Lack of self esteem. What a difference a father makes in the life of his child. Once again, makes me admire L. I’m sure even u strive to be a wonderful dad to your kids. Let me know about your call WP. Stay blessed.
Hi SDN… I have replied to this text after my message of March 28, 2016 at 12:14 pm. Perhaps you have written another message in the meantime which is not posted yet? Anyway, see what you think… Take care… WP
Hi SDN, I think our texts are crossing each other sometimes. I am now responding to your text of March 28, 2016 at 2:01 am My text above, from March 28, 2016 at 6:04 am was written before I read your latest text of March 28, 2016 at 2:01 am. Anyway, I very much appreciate your words SDN… reminding me that I have a gem of a wife. You are right SDN… she IS a gem! I also appreciate your gentle words of admonition: “Sometimes it takes many falls even for a mature person, to learn. We r never too old.” Again, very true. I would like to say here though, that with my on-line EA’s, I always told them that my wife comes first… One OW said to me that she viewed me as very faithful. I was thankful for that… still though, I feel that, in my emotions, I crossed the line… in that I cared too much, but I also know that I would never actually leave my wife for anyone.
I also know I never crossed the line in a physical sense. I guess I’m trying to justify myself here… maybe that’s another way of really stating that I am trying to feel better about myself. But your words are still appropriate- and I thank you for them. Yes… my wife does deserve my loyalty more than anything else… and she has it. At no time was her position under threat. I told her this, and I told the OWW’s this as well.
I was wondering how OM2’s wife found out… sometimes these events can happen so fast… that’s how it went with me too, also I believe, willed by God. This is what I meant when I said earlier, “God has allowed me to go so far, and yet no farther.” As you said, “God has saved be before it is too late.” And yet- we’re still free to choose our course of action. In your case, you chose to tell L. In my case, I chose to tell my wife the truth when she asked me “Did you run that errand so that you could talk to OWW?” Interesting your dream before OM2’s wife’s call… Wow! It sounds like the worst is over for you SDN. There is still some lost ground to recover, but you and L will accomplish that together. Your other worries… Mmmm… I appreciate your feeling confident to tell me about them when you are ready, as you say, some other time. Of course I will give you my input, if you like. Yes, you are very intuitive and perceptive SDN. I can see that very well.
Please read my text below. I would like your opinion if I may. You said in your text of March 4, 2016 at 6:32 am, the following: “I think the prospect of an affair is my weakness. I have to watch out for this throughout my life. This is my true feelings and a big confession.” You know SDN, this is true for me too. I said this before, but I am saying it here again. Because of your words in your last text. Perhaps I can speak for the both of us when I say the following about myself? I never knew what is was to have a father who demonstrated that he really believed in me. I always felt “not good enough” and “not really wanted.” All during my youth I never knew anything else. I had to look after myself really, because there was no one else to turn to. You know my history of (sexual) abuse, and I won’t go into it again here. It was my father who told me, “You could have stopped it.” So when a younger and attractive woman likes me, or needs me, I’m presented with a terrible dilemma. On the one hand, I know affairs are wrong. I do not need to learn this –I know this. I do not want to do wrong things. Period. On the other hand, the affirmation I receive from a younger woman’s liking for me / need for me, is so powerful, that it is VERY hard to resist. What I need is to be able to turn away from the lure of the EA, and to resist. Can you follow what I’m saying SDN? Do you have this too? OWW sees me as her “father which she never had.” (He walked out on the family when she was very young.) She never saw me as a potential boyfriend. For this I was happy, although I did really care for her too much as you know. I loved the fact that she needed me and that we could talk so easily and well with each other. I worry about her since I cannot stand to see people alone and forsaken. With my on-line EA’s, now ended 9 months ago, I cared too much for them also, for the same reason. They did see me as “boyfriend” though, unlike OWW. My problem was that I didn’t perceive this until I was in too deep… over my head. I also had a love for them too… not OK when one is married.
The only way around this is to receive the love of God in our hearts… I know this too. But the “love of God” was such a vague idea for so long, that I did not see this as a real “solution,” even though I know this is true. It didn’t solve the above – described dilemma for me. I know my wife is a gem. I know she loves me unconditionally, what you say is true. I will never leave her of forsake her. I think you now feel the same with your God -given husband L. But God is giving me a better appreciation / feel for/ understanding of, the “love of a father.” I hope and pray that He shows you this as well SDN. Your L is very lucky with you. You are also very lucky with him!
It would be nice to hear from you SDN, when you find the time… after “mummy duties” are taken care of. It is good to talk of these things… as I mentioned before. I think God speaks to me though you. It is so that you are here SDN. You take care… WP
Hi WP. Sorry for the slight delay. Thank u very much for your recent post. WP, I can definitely relate to almost every sentiment u shared in your latest post. I understand u fully. When u say that you will always remain faithful to your wife and even tho ‘love’ prevailed between urself and the 3 FB OW, u would have still remained faithful and even these OW knew this. I fully understand this. Absolutely. But not every1 will believe u. So say for instance, ‘we’ conversed even on a sexual level with the OM or OW, we always knew in the back of our minds that it would always be confined to ‘JUST WORDS’ and nothing else. Its because our ‘affairs’ were fuelled by the desire to be loved, wanted, to be approved of, to be reminded of our worth… The list could go on. It was never really for sexual satisfaction. It was entirely EMOTIONAL. Besides our MINDS knowing the truth , ie, we will never go further, our conscience also stopped us from doing anything further. Our affairs were different. There was no compellin reason to get physical bcz the emotions and the conversations itself SUFFICED to the max. Hence the loyalty to your wife and well the part loyalty to L.
WP, I remember your story about your past and mor so I rem your dads exact words to u.. I wish I cud undrstand the link better tho- the rationale y u would fall easily for an attractive woman who gives u the attention and approval u desire. Its different, cz if u said your MOTHER said this to u, then I’d instantly understand. Or is it that your dad made u feel so worthless that u constantly need the affirmation from these woman to continually remind u of your value and worth. U knw what WP, I understand this! Perfectly now. Allow me to explain. L is amazing; yes he doesn’t shower me with afffection but he is perfect in every othr aspect in our marriage. Yes I’d love the attention and romance and maybe he DOESN’T KNOW HOW to give that to me… I should be pretty satisfied with L. I have everything other women would die for. But honestly, I am still not entirely satisfied. I wish I did feel satisfied but I don’t. I too constantly need men (that I choose and whom I think r worthy) to show me my worth. That’s how low my self esteem is. Inside I am bruised and damaged. Timid and scared. But I don’t show this side to anyone. Ever. People probably think I AM confident. But I am not. Sometimes I dnt feel good enough. I mean why doesn’t L show me affection like the way I’d want?? It just doesn’t add up for me. Is there smethg he doesn’t like abt me?? Maybe he knows how messed up I am. Or maybe in his eyes I am a child. I don’t know. OMG! I am just expressing myself here without ne 2nd thoughts.
As for OM and his wife… I still pray for her and I feel so bad for her. Really. I almost hate OM. OMs wife found out through hs fone, I am assuming. She saw my texts and my pics on his phone. Now if I think about it, she wasn’t really sure, she questioned me a lot and MADE me believe that she knew a few thgs but really she did not knw fully what was goin on, she fished it out of me. I gave in entirely bcz I was guilty. I did not tell her I met with OM. That would have turned out ugly! How did your wife find out WP? Anticipate your next post WP. Stay blessed and have a lovely evening. SDN
Good morning SDN… Your first paragraph is exactly right. Yes my FB EA’s were purely emotional in nature…never for sexual satisfaction… very true. I do admit, though, that there was a certain sexual attraction… probably because the emotions and sexual attraction are interrelated… the one promotes the other I think. But of course, with the FB EA’s any sexual encounter was impossible. At least THAT temptation had it’s “way of escape” already in place! This is true also for OWW, although of course we know each other at work. Again we had, and still have an emotional bond, but the sexual side was never really a problem. I could really never do that. I would feel SO guilty and the consequences would be very HORRIBLE. After our phone call, things are really in place now with her, and with R. I am VERY happy about this!
Your second paragraph…what you say here is exactly correct for me: “your dad made u feel so worthless that u constantly need the affirmation from these woman to continually remind u of your value and worth.” There were many other events besides his reply to my s. abuse, which contributed to such low self esteem. But, looking back, I really don’t think he intended this outcome at all. He himself had a difficult youth… he did the best he could with what he had. Very likely the same is true of your father SDN.
You say, “I should be pretty satisfied with L… But honestly, I’m still not entirely satisfied. I wish I did feel satisfied but I don’t. This I understand too SDN. For a time I had exactly the same thing, and I still do to some extent. I have felt very bad about this… thinking, “This should not be!” I have had more time to think about this than you have, simply because I am older. I think that your expectations/needs… AND mine… because of our pasts, have been set too high for virtually any spouse to meet fully. You say, “I too constantly need men (that I choose and whom I think r worthy) to show me my worth. That’s how low my self esteem is. Inside I am bruised and damaged.” I know this SO well SDN… SO well… All I can say now is… spend time in the Bible, see it as true, and ask Him to heal you from the inside out. I will pray for this for you SDN. I will. I know VERY well how this feels. I know you don’t show this side to anyone. Neither do I. (except to R)… she knows my past pretty well. I do not talk about it so much though… It is a process SDN… building self esteem… we can talk more about it if you like… maybe another time.
You ask, “why doesn’t L show me affection like the way I’d want?” Probably because his “love language” is not “physical touching,” and yours IS. Perhaps he is not by nature overly affectionate… he may not be a “huggy” person. You ask, “Is there something he doesn’t like about me?” I think this is very unlikely… I have an idea for you… Why don’t you just ask him? Choose a time when you are alone and relaxed, and bring up this question. “Maybe he knows how messed up I am.” Mmm… Maybe… Have you told him your past? From what you say about L. I don’t think he would love you less. You see how hurt he was with OM2? This should tell you a lot! I know how you feel SDN… I can follow so well what you’re saying! Perhaps you are a child in his eyes? Again… Mmmm. He is older than you isn’t he? 8 years older? Didn’t you tell me that some time ago? I’m not sure. But anyway… you could perhaps just ask him. Talk these things out. You will know. I do know, after 36 years of marriage, that simple honest, tactful conversation is a cure for ALL KINDS of crazy misconceptions and misunderstandings. I wish I had known this simple fact way earlier!
Some good sites on the 5 love languages: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/ and http://www.proprofs.com/quiz-school/story.php?title=whats-your-love-langugae
Re. OM and his wife… It is good that you pray for his wife. It is not good to say or think “I almost hate OM.” This word “hate” is very destructive… when you think such things, put them out your mind, and ask God to replace them with love. People need to be loved SDN. Of course you know this. Allow love to be the force that drives your actions and your words. This sounds idealistic and a little pious… I don’t mean it that way. It’s just a simple truth. This is why Christ came here to this broken world, and willingly died for you and me. Because we all need to be loved. Hear from you when you can SDN… I hope you have a nice day, Cheers, WP
Hi SDN! here my reply to your text of March 28, 2016 at 9:23 am. Sounds like things for you are going very well… ahh yes the “weekend event” = p/call from OMs wife and confessing to L. Yes- that was a good thing SDN… FAR better than L’s having to learn of this from some other source. THAT would have been much worse, don’t you think?
Anyway, you are doing so well… I am sure that confession was VERY difficult, but you have DONE it… I am very proud of you SDN! Not so long ago, you thought that would be impossible!!
Easter was very nice… we had a good breakfast, and then went to a small church service; after that we took a walk around a beautiful lake near us. I like to hear the sounds of the forest and to quiet my mind. So we were by ourselves for most of the day… it turned out very well. Walking in the woods reminds me of a very positive side of my youth… we grew up in a very rural area outside New York City. What about Easter for you?? I think you were absorbing all the internet information you had read, and prayed over… Yes… all these articles are very good… this is a wonderful positive side of the Internet :)
So…. L went out from 1PM on the afternoon of Easter until 4 the next morning? Mmmm. I guess I would be a bit upset like you… but you are right, nagging for sure solves nothing! Your reaction was good- just to ask him if he had fun…. and to give him his space…. You say, “I am going to allow these times from now on.” This gives me the impression that you have not allowed him to go out before? This is a tricky area, you don’t want to be “controlling” But still… 4AM?? I guess L doesn’t do this so often though…. Earlier in our marriage I would tend to get nervous when my wife (I will call her “R,” OK?) would want to go out with her friends…in other words, would want to be away. That always made me think she doesn’t really want to be with me. I knew this was illogical, but it was hard to shake that feeling. Now it is much better, but it has taken a long time. Again, my history.. Is this something you have too SDN? I also know now that I like to be away sometimes too… to pursue my hobbies… so spend some time with friends… knowing that R is there when I return, or that she will be back soon. Then we have something new to talk about. R did not really have a father; he was away very often with his work. So R has similar insecurities. We recognize that with each other. For me it took a very long time to be convinced that someone would actually be here when I returned. I lived with the fear that R would be gone from one day to the next. I guess that sounds crazy to you?! Low self esteem… insecurity…. exhausting really…
SDN, your comments about your father…. your sense of insecurity and lack of self esteem. AND… in your words.. your “horrible desires..” How well I recognize these! All too familiar!! Yes- what a profound effect a father has on his child! I’ve said this before, that I see in you a loyal and intelligent/perceptive person after all our correspondence! But impressions received in childhood are very hard to break. It does take time…. You have every reason to think very well of yourself SDN! If I may make a comment about, in your words, your “horrible desires.” I do not think they are horrible at all. Rather they are God-given… but just directed in the wrong direction, for a sad reason. Perhaps they are really a cry for the affirmation you needed as a little girl , but never had? Perhaps this very transparent account in the internet site here below will be interesting for you. I have extremely high respect for this girl and her honesty. I also identify with her feelings… I can understand her well… even though I am male of course. See what you think…
http://www.salon.com/2014/08/03/why_i_cant_stop_cheating_on_my_husband_partner/
Yes I have tried VERY hard to be a good father to my children. I consciously fought to stop the legacy with me, and to make sure my children know that I love them. I do recall an incident when the children were young, maybe 4 and 7, that a good friend of ours told me I was neglecting R and putting too much emphasis on the children. Mmmm. OK. So I made some adjustments… Ah well. I was glad that he was enough of friend to correct me. I do know that I express myself to the children, I tell them I love them, and I tell them I am proud of them (and I am!)….when they need my help I give it, in the form of my time or sometimes a financial helping hand… I have also told them about my s. abuse when I was young… no details… I want my children to know me. I did not tell them about my father’s statement. That goes too far I think.
Well…. we did call OWW together about 1/2 hour ago – it turned out VERY well! Her MRT scan turned up nothing, and we both expressed to her that we care for her… she specifically said to R that she sees me as a good man, that we were / are good friends, and that my only intention was to be of help to her…. So after a 20 minute call, everything was expressed, and we agreed to contact each other once in a while… that she could always contact us if she needed it…. so this was a very good development. OWW also cares a lot for R and my children… so I am very happy with this outcome. After hanging up the phone, R said to me, “I am so glad you did not have an affair with her… that would have been SO difficult…!!” Well, this was a long text… sorry. I hope you have a good day tomorrow SDN. You have been a real blessing to me you know… I am very happy you are here… thank you for your input SDN… God chooses you to get through to me… You are a gift of God to me you know :) Thank you SDN….. Take care… WP
Hi SDN… A clarification about OWW. Of course I will keep to my agreement to talk to OWW only when she is with me. I honestly do not believe I had wrong intentions for her, although I do admit an “EA” -emotional affair was running in the sense that I really cared for her… too much since I was contacting her when R was not there. R knows this, and now OWW knows this as well. During the phone call I brought this up, OWW said that for her we were talking to each other too much as well. She said to R that, had she received the impression that I wanted a boyfriend / girlfriend relationship with her, that she would never have accepted this.
Ah well… I have talked FAR too long… Now you know really the whole story. You take care SDN… I look forward to hearing from you… I would like your opinion, but no rush! Cheers, WP
HI again SDN… I answered your last text from March 29, 2016 at 12:33 pm in the reply section for that text. I will answer your other questions later when I have more uninterrupted time.
You asked some time ago for tips on reading the Bible. The book of John- 4th book of the New Testament, is a good starting place. The first 4 books of the NT are the stories of Jesus’ life from the perspectives of 4 different people. They read like adventure stories really. Then the Book of Acts- the first 30 years of the Church after the resurrection of Jesus. Psalms and Proverbs are wonderful. I spend a lot of time there. I will write again soon. Have a good day. I am very happy you are here! Cheers, WP
Hi WP. I know I should wait for your next post in response to my latest above so there is no confusion but bcz I have time on my hands, I am happy to respond to your latest.
What u have expressed is very interestg for me indeed. Interesting and odd. I say this because I was raised and live within a community where ppl are so narrow minded. One hint of an affair and ppl are ready to shame you, to disgrace you, to divorce you, to taint your name. I mean the mere thought of me conversing with another man made L so distant from me. Its really damaging to be this way. But here u are, sharing your unique story with us. The transparency that prevails between you and R is amazing. More so, the communication between U, R and OWW. Wow! It has ended beautifully for u.
Its so womderful to figure out how much God is working in your life. I can see it clearly because I am out of the box. R has never abandoned you as a result of your actions; she has embraced your actions and found a SOLUTION. How remarkable. R is an incredible woman. From what I have gathered about u, u r an incredible man with a lot of strength and wisdom. Both of u are most fitting. Its good to hear that your’ll work towards findg a solution to fight against your personal battles. That is a sign of a very strong marriage. I read all your posts and I do my research reading site upon sites on prayer and marriage and affairs. But it saddens me. I am NOT the one who really needs this kind of wisdom. I am an open minded person. Very open minded. If L were to have done what I did to him, I’d have looked for a solution too. L is so narrow minded. Its ppl like him who need this kind of wisdom. But u can’t compel them to enlighten themselves with these sites. The interest should come from within.
I find myself wondering a lot when I read your posts mor esp your latest when u talk about walking along the lake. It fascinates me. U bring mor character to the virtual WP-helper God Sent guardian Angel.
I started writing ths hours ago and now I have time to continue… This afternoon I felt abit emotional, two reasons WP. Nr 1 was that L seemed in an offish mOod. He is streSsed, tired and also moody. He can’t seem to handle me n our kids mere presence. I understand the reasons behind his recent behaviour and feelings WP but isn’t this the norm in my home. L recently told me that he is going to b v occupied and I must undrstand that he is unable to gv me the attention I need, ‘for now’. In my mind, I am thinkg, so my marriage must be on hold. L doesn’t realise how detrimental that is to our marriage. I sometimes feel that L is weak. He cannot tolerate certain thgs. U made good points when u spoke about Love Lang and abt L. I didn’t see it this way WP. I will try to talk to L but I dnt have much faith in my convos with him. The 2nd reason I feel emotional and odd today is… Surprise… I actually miss conversing with OM. O God! Please NO! I don’t need these emotions. But its true WP, I miss OM . I am quick to pray abt it but the reality is still I miss him and nly time will make thgs better. I have nothing mor to say RIGHT NOW as I have had an emotionally exhaustg day tryg to figure L and our circumstance out. Especially with my kids and how needy they r. WP, I feel powerless sometimes. Why does L have to b this way!! Having no ‘substitute’ now (OM), I am really fln lonely and unwanted. It hurts me. Sigh! O well, Have a lovely night WP. Stay blessed always. I anticipate your next post. SDN
Hi WP. I hope u r well. Just wanted to tell u that I called OM at work to find out how he and his wife was but mor esp I wanted to know if she’ll recognise me at our kids creche and whether she knows my daughter is at her sons creche. I wouldn’t want a crude confrontation at my childs creche event. To be honest, I’m relieved. OM said he was worried about me and he told me his situation at home. I was glad that him and his wife took his kids out for Easter. That’s a good sign. However there is too much bitter and ‘hatred’ between them and it has nothing to do with me or our EA.
I feel comfortable and safe now but I will continue to pray. It was good speaking to OM and findg out that he was well. His voice was v different tho. I felt as tho he was abit bitter abt what happened. He expressed his care and feelings for me STILL but I kept quiet. I had nothg more to say to him. It IS over because I CHOOSE it to be. Never again will I go down this road with him or any1. Its never worth L or my kids and def not worth my peace of mind n happiness. I am happy I made that final call. It just closed off my biggest fears and ended this EA once and for all. Let me know wht u think WP. Stay blessed always. SDN
HI SDN, I am well thank you… It sounds like you are too- also seems that your most recent call with OM was a good development. I am sorry (for OM and his wife to hear about the “bitter and hatred” between them… but this is outside your EA. Your EA is ended now. The stress is no longer part of your life. This is good SDN, and every day that passes will be a little better. I have seen this first hand with my on-line EA’s, and also OWW as you know. You have been pulled out of the quicksand, and your feet are on firm ground!! (see Psalm 40.2) Your keeping quiet about your feelings was also very good SDN…yes OM is bitter, that is understandable… but after he has had time to think and reflect he will realize that this is a good development- the ending of his EA. Still no mention of efforts by OM’s wife to contact you… also good!!
I would be interested in what you think about my comments in my text of March 30, 2016 at 1:15 am in the sections beginning with “Your second paragraph…” and “You say, “I should be pretty satisfied with L…” and again the section in my text of March 29, 2016 at 12:31 pm beginning with “SDN, your comments about your father….” when you have some time… You ask what do I think? In short- looks very good!! I am proud of you SDN :) God has you in His care… I see this wtih you… and L. I am interested in your reponse to my latest long text here below… You stay blessed too SDN… also for always. I like this expression of yours :) Cheers, WP
Hi SDN… this post is a little longer, so you may want to get a coffee or a tea before you start reading. Perhaps I may start this post with a little more about myself- to add “more character to the virtual WP-helper God Sent guardian Angel.” I have a twin brother, a younger sister and a younger brother. We all grew up in the country, an hour by train outside New York City. My father (very much a “country boy”) taught me how to hunt and shoot, fish and sail (we lived near a large lake), and to appreciate the woods as the animals’ home. He taught me to watch out for poisonous snakes, how to chop wood, and how to work hard. My mother (more a “city girl”) knew how to make a house a home; she taught me how to give, to listen to other people, and how to play Chess, Backgammon and card games (She is very good at these!) My parents both grew up in very dysfunctional homes, and wanted to build the family which they themselves never had. But of course, they had no model, no reference. Theirs is the only marriage which did not break up in both of their families. There were no schools beyond middle school in our immediate area, so we all went to separate schools several hours away by train from home starting at age 12. We never lived at home after that, we only visited during school vacation times. The key events of those younger years you know already. I had to learn to stand up for myself, to learn how to trust again, to allow myself to feel my emotions, and to like myself again.
I am quiet by nature whereas R is more talkative; she is more the “life of the party” type. I’m a photographer (it was part of my job at one time). I like cycling (road bikes) and to be outside in the nature. I like to run (I have competed in the 800, 1500 and 5000 meter distances) preferably out in the woods, rather than on a track, although I have done both. I like to sail and to fish (but don’t do these so much now). I went to University in the American Southwest (state of Arizona) for 3 years, then married R in the Netherlands. We moved back to the US after 1 year in the Netherlands, and lived in the US for 4 years (again the Northeast), then lived in Belgium (for 3 years- where both children were born), then Germany (3 years), and then back to the Netherlands where we live now. We have both learned to speak, read and write English, Dutch, German and some French.” I believe, and others have said, that my basic talents lie in teaching… so I have taught Bible classes, Chemistry, Physics, Mathematics, and English as a Foreign Language; I was a football (soccer) coach and a firearms instructor (rifles, pistols, shotguns). Many have commented that I am a good teacher and trainer. I worked in Germany (living in the Netherlands for most of that time) for many years as a technical consultant in tapes and adhesives / design of surgical equipment for operating room use. I travelled extensively in Europe and the US, (once to Russia) to visit customers and conduct technical training sessions.
After a near fatal car crash when I was 19, and several other “very close calls” I became determined to find out whether the claim of Jesus to be the Son of God is valid. Since I am a technical person, I need at least “some evidence” to back up what I believe in. After much research, questioning and observation, I asked Jesus Christ to come into my life and forgive my wrongs….and to make me a new person… He forgave me immediately, and the process of “making me a new person” is still ongoing, hence the name “Work in Progress.” This is His promise, that “…. He Who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus” Philippians 1.6
Well…. I hope you have a better idea now of “who I am.” You… and other readers… know my basic failings and strengths now, and perhaps you have a better “backdrop” for the texts I write. Now SDN, to your latest text … Your first paragraph…. Am I correct in saying that you grew up in a very close minded community, and that you now live in the same community? Meaning that you have never lived anywhere else? (Northeast USA, where I grew up, is a similarly close minded environment, with the same judgmental response to affairs. Strange thing was, even though people are so quick to judge, affairs and divorce were very common.) Did your husband L grow up in the same community as you? Or in a similar community, but also close minded? Has he lived in other places? or not? You say, “the mere thought of me conversing with another man made L so distant from me.” Is this because of basic “close minded thinking,” or is it because L himself has had “trust issues” (like me)? (never mind the recent OM) It would be good for you to know this I think. Thank you for your comment re. the transparency between R and me….. thank you.
Your second paragraph…. Thank you for your special comments about R and also about me… I might say in reply, that we have had our “share of valley experiences” during our 36 years of marriage which have made it VERY necessary to pull together… beyond being an international marriage and coming from very different backgrounds and cultures. Our daughter (now 27 years old- “M”) was in an abusive relationship for 8 years. M’s boyfriend was physically violent toward M, even threatening her with a knife at least once. The boyfriend attacked me once in my car, and on another occasion pepper sprayed me and a friend without provocation. He attacked our son (now 30 years old- “A”), and hit him in the head with a bat. It was a close call. A could easily have been brain damaged or dead. A was also participating in Kickboxing, and took a kick to the head. We prayed over him (R is strong this way) since the doctor said there was nothing they could do (A’s vision and sense of balance were impaired). Fast forward… After having a daughter together, M left the boyfriend just over 3 years ago. That was an extremely dangerous undertaking, which I’m convinced was led by God. She is now in a healthy relationship, and she has now a second daughter. A is now completely recovered. He is working as a internet site designer, and is doing things on the computer which were impossible to do after his Kickboxing injury. This is the work of God SDN…… has not so much to do with me really, if the real truth be told.
I’m saying all this for 2 reasons. First, to give you an idea of what God can do, and wants to do, in a marriage, and in a person’s heart. The second, because I believe that the interest in being open-minded, and looking for solutions, which, as you say, comes from within, is launched by NECESSITY. It’s driven by finding one’s self in a situation outside one’s comfort zone. It’s energized by the prospect of one’s life falling apart unless a solution (or better- a change in thinking?) is found. Perhaps this is what L may need- a condition of NECESSITY to “kickstart” that interest from within.
Only 4 days ago you said that “All is well between L and I. In fact I anticipate things being better.” Then a day later: “Last night L went out from 1pm to 4am this morn.” Then yesterday, L told you, “he is going to b v occupied and I must undrstand that he is unable to gv me the attention I need, ‘for now’.” This really surprises me. I would think that he would be making every effort to pay more attention to you, after your recent conversations surrounding OM! Did he say what “to be very occupied” really means? Is he in danger of losing his job, but has not told you? What does he mean with “for now?” It feels like something has changed, which goes beyond the turmoil surrounding OM and beyond the general distance you have mentioned earlier. It feels to me like he is holding something back…..
SDN…. I’m not surprised that you miss OM! Especially with these recent changes with L! Of course you miss OM! You are right, time DOES make it better… (You have not mentioned OM’s wife… I take it that she has not called recently? I hope…) I am very sorry you feel lonely and unwanted. You know that I KNOW what THAT is like! You see what you think of course, but my opinion is that L needs to know that you feel lonely and unwanted. It’s hard for me to understand, on the one hand, that L was so hurt with your OM and now so soon after, that he is unable “for now” to give you the attention you need. He needs to know better where you REALLY are SDN. Perhaps this is L’s NECESSITY. Certainly not in a threatening way, no… but rather in an informative way. See what you think. I wait for your next update SDN. I’m happy that you read all my posts! I read all of yours too. In the meantime I will pray and hope… May God surround you all with His angels and His care. Bye for now SDN… I’m very proud of you! You stay blessed too SDN… WP
Hi WP. Thank u for the enlightenment. Definitely does make a huge impact. I have great respect for u. U have seen and lived LIFE. How wonderful. So much of wisdom and experience. To answer your qs. I didn’t mean the SAME community but different areas where the community still constitutes the same race and stature of ppl. Indians I must say are very judgemental people. Narrow minded too. L is the same. With regards L, he works at an engineering company and is at the same time furthering his engineering studies. Plus kids, plus ME (with all my needs)… It’s taxing for him. He tries to work and study and that takes a lot out of him, hence he cannot gv me the attention ‘for now’ and I am supposed to just BE. I understand the need for him to divert his attention elsewhere but… just But. I know what u are thinking. U r gonna say I should read the Bible and stay focused on God so I dnt avert MY eyes and mind… And heart. Yes yes. I agree. But still! Some ppl quit their jobs just to make their marriage work. I’m not saying L must quit his job or gv his studies ne less priority but atleast make some sort of effort to spend time with me. Anyway.. That’s that. I don’t wanna get into that right nw. Its frustrating and it saddens me. Along with the distance he creates, he just doesn’t show me affectionate.
WP, I am struggling today. Having spoken to OM. I miss the conversation. I am really struggling OUT OF NOWHERE!!! I ddnt expect to feel like this. I feel bad for him. OMs wife is fine. She is troubled but she has no intention of findg out who I am. She does not knw that my child is in her childs creche. I hpe she does not recognise me when she sEes me in person. That was one of the worries I was telln u about. WP, how do I overcome this dilemma? I don’t want these emotions. I dnt wanna miss OM. I felt that OMs whole vibe changed. Its like he was a different person. It made me sad WP. I should nvr have started this EA. Its a curse. I look forward to your next post WP. Thank u for giving me a taste of your country and lifestyle. I found the ‘tale’ rather riveting. Stay Blessed. SDN
Hi SDN… Ahh OK. Now I have a better idea… re L and his work and study. Actually I wasn’t thinking right away, that you need to dive into your Bible and ramp up your prayer time to divert your eyes, mind, and heart… although of course time spent in your Bible and in prayer is time well spent. A very good thing I think, is for you 2 to form a TEAM.
– A TEAM in which both players know that the other is THERE. for the other player.
– A TEAM in which workable compromises can be reached.
– A TEAM in which you realise that L cannot ALWAYS meet your needs, but instead, that you understand this and can agree together to have “date nights” so many times per week, or “breakfast together” or some other arrangement which works for both of you.
– A TEAM in which L clearly understands that you SDN, his wife, has needs and wants, which warrant his CLOSEST attention.
In your conversations, if you can steer the mood around to being a team, this would be a good thing.
I cannot talk farther now, it’s getting late… but I’ll write soon. You take care SDN. Stay blessed always, and may God surround you with His angels and His Care. I have high respect for you. I look forward to your update :)) I’m glad you liked my tale :)) Cheers, blessings to you and yours… WP
Hi SDN, As promised, a text now that I have some extra time. After reading again your progression of comments: 6 days ago you said that “All is well between L and I. In fact I anticipate things being better.” Then a day later: “Last night L went out from 1pm to 4am this morn.” Then 3 days ago, L told you, “he is going to b v occupied and I must undrstand that he is unable to gv me the attention I need, ‘for now’.” and then your comments about missing OM from your posts from March 31, 2016 at 11:46 am and March 31, 2016 at 11:46 am…
I have the feeling you are not doing so well… but then again, your very positive comments about L: “It also made me realise Ls worth and value in my life. He is my greatest blessing.” “L is amazing; yes he doesn’t shower me with afffection but he is perfect in every othr aspect in our marriage. …I should be pretty satisfied with L. I have everything other women would die for…” These comments I hope you do not forget… when you long for OM because L is distant. It delights me to read your more recent comment from March 31, 2016 at 2:22 am. “It IS over because I CHOOSE it to be. Never again will I go down this road with him or any1. It’s never worth L or my kids and def not worth my peace of mind n happiness. I am happy I made that final call. It just closed off my biggest fears and ended this EA once and for all.”
Perhaps you have been really wanting to call OM again? Or perhaps you have called Him again? Of course I don’t know…. But even if you have SDN, or even if something terrible has happened, there is no one here who would think badly of you. No one is “without sin” except Christ alone. Least of all me! Therefore the name “Work in Progress” People just want to be here for you. You asked me what I think. Well, This is what I think. I have incredible respect for you for how you have travelled this difficult road SDN. You have strength of character. You are loyal. You are a good mother. You are a good wife with good intentions, who has been tested. You have passed your test very well SDN. I am proud of you… even if something terrible has happened.
After your reading my “tale” I can imagine that maybe you think that my life is always exciting and interesting… and that yours may look boring by comparison… well… I have my lonely days too. I live in a nation and culture, which is not my own. I still have language troubles sometimes. My employer, for whom I worked almost half of my life, has succeeded in getting rid of me, and I miss my friends/social life at work. I’m searching for my next big step in life now.
I was awake very early and I was wondering how you were doing, and asking myself what to say to you. I was reading Psalm 139 this morning, and I thought “SDN will like this.” This text tells us that God is always there, He knows ALL, we cannot hide from Him, nor would we ever want to do that. Even though you did not have a father, He longs to be your Father. I hope to hear from you SDN. I will continue to pray for you, for L and for the girls. You look after yourself SDN. May God be very close to you and surround you with His care… WP
Hi SDN, I only realise now that I have not answered your question re. OM and your struggles with your emotions. The only way out of this curse of an EA is NC. No Contact. NC. No phone calls, emails, photos, texts… No Contact. If it’s possible to have someone else drop and pick up your daughter that would be a good idea. NC…NC…NC…NC and again NC SDN. This is the ONLY way it gets better. We both know this. We have both been through it.
In the meantime, you can pour all that energy into L, into your children, into your close friends and into your hobbies. This is what I was trying to say with my last text on building a TEAM with L… but I was tired and it was late. Of course it’s good to spend time in the Bible and to pray… really pray and expect God to work in your situation. I know He seems far away sometimes… I know that feeling, but do it anyway.
IFF!! IF… If you have made a terrible mistake… which you are afraid to mention, you pick yourself up, you start again, and you allow people to help you. The worst thing you could do is to close yourself off because you feel ahamed or embarrassed. We have all made mistakes too SDN… we all fall short. I hope you are all right SDN.
I continue to pray for you and yours. Hope to hear from you. WP
Hi WP. Pls forgive me for not posting here. My home has being chaotic. Thankfully my eldest will go to school tmw and her holidays have ended. I didn’t mention this before but my daughter is like a special kind of ‘naughty’. She is downright NAUGHTY x 100000000000. Defiant and rebellious. She is 5 this year. Her behaviour takes its toll on Ls and my relationship as well. That’s why it was so good to connect with OM cz his daughter has similar traits to my daughter. I have a son who is 10mnths old. Both are very demanding. Everytime I’d pick up my fone to type out a constructive respnse, smethg always comes up OR I’m just too drained to put my mind to text. O well WP. Thank u for all your posts above. I have so much I wanna say to u esp about how nice it was to read your tale and to build on this character of yours. Fascinating indeed. Absolutely. WP, I have been strugglin lately, I am dying to connect again with OM, but bcz I have no real means of doing so, my attempts have failed . THANK GOD. I do have a work nr but God somehow stops me before I call. Yes NC! I ndd this reminder. No I have not made anymor mistakes after we last spoke. But the need to converse with OM is strong. I miss him. But I know I must keep away. I don’t even know how iv been so successful so far. Maybe its bcz my eldest ws at hme with me for a while and I was too occupied. I just hope I can keep this up. Its eating me up. I expect to make a change in my life when she goes back to school tmw. I wanna start working out and resume job aPplications. Anything positive to keep me occupied. Anyway WP, pls let me knw how u r? Sorry for ths short post but I jst ndd to reassure u that I am well. Stay blessed always WP. I look forward to conversing with u better, soon. Keep well. SDN
Hi SDN… Thank you for your text… of course you are welcome to all my posts.I appreciate your telling me how you are… thank you! Ahhh yes.. I completely understand… 5 year old rebellious daughter, and a 10 month old lively little boy… OH OH! Yes- for sure a handful! School will be good for your oldest… and you will have a short rest each day- this makes me happy for you. We had the same when our children were that age. Our son is 3 years older than our daughter. Our daughter had a really rebellious period… was difficult. :( She is very strong willed… hard on the parents, but in many ways an advantage for the youngster.
It is good to know you are doing well with your EA… I understand so well how you miss OM… really! You miss that rush of emotion, and the immediate connection and understanding…. so familiar to me. The fact that it is new and fresh makes an EA so hard to resist! Interesting you say this. It has been 9 months now since the end of my on-line EA’s. Even now, I will think of them every so often…like you, I wish I had never gotten into these relationships.
The longer you keep up with NC, the better off you will be. You will get there SDN. I am proud of you! I have not spoken to OWW at all in the last 2 weeks except for 1 phone call when R was with me. On the one hand, I do miss our conversations we had before, but on the other hand, I do NOT miss the stress that went along with them. You say, “I don’t even know how iv been so successful so far.” Well… I can see that you have been occupied. You don’t have OM’s tel number and your conscience is speaking to you. All in all, God has you in His care. I see this in your texts SDN. You CAN keep it up… you have strength of character and you have come a long way!
Now that you mention it… It would be good for you to work… part time anyway. You have a law degree don’t you? Would be a good distraction and would get you back into the workforce.
You ask how I am. Well… I’m having my ups and downs… as I mentioned in my last text. Being without work after having a regular work schedule for so long is hard to get used to. Of course I don’t miss the pressure, the long meetings and the politics. I DO miss my friends and my social life. I really enjoyed spending time with my friends and I miss them. I will be there later this week for the 25th reunion of a former boss of mine. I’m looking forward to it! I also look forward to hearing from you. You said you had much to talk about… so I am curious SDN! How are you and L?? Any real changes? I continue to pray for you, L and the children (I thought you had 2 girls, sorry) You take care of yourself SDN… and as you say… stay blessed always. WP
Hi WP. Thank u for your words of encouragement. I can’t effectively express in words how much they mean to me. Yes, we can pray to God, and sometimes its like a one sided conversation¤ I have no doubt He acts and listens when I pray but it feels so assuring to have u encourage me and remind me of how far I have come. It was an addiction and all addicts need support. Thank u WP. May u be ever so blessed and I hope and pray that EVERYTHING your heart desires materialises.
I can imagine your predicament. Do u feel isolated abit? U always had friends and colleagues around u. Always looked forward to a new excitement everyday but now u are at home. I can relate. I am at home now for 5years. Its sometimes horrible and I so wish I could go out there and work. I think all, in gOod time. Maybe this is your path to…. Finding peace, peace within yourself. You had a very difficult childhood.. I’m sure it impacted on your adulthood. U need to connect with yourself. With God. Find something to look forward to everyday. It isn’t an overnight revelation but soon you will see, things have a way of working out for the best. And look at the suPport you offer me and many others on MM. Your mere presence alone makes such a huge difference. I have the security of knwing that I can always come here and talk to u about my personal battles, knowing that u will respond effectively and efficiently like u ALWAYS do. Guardian Angel WP!
L and I are back to normal. Yes I see this now.. This whole thing had to happen to make me tell L. Cz now, the fact that L knws, and the way he responded alone is a deterrence for me not to cntact OM even tho I wish I could. The mor time I spend away from OM the mor I realise how the graSs is never greener on the other side and it was really just dried up weeds. I have it all. I just nEed to learn how to b satisfied and maintain my loyaty to L.
I come from a background constituted of fish bowl activity.. In actions and thought. In our community, ppl are narrow mindd. Ppl are not so adventurous. Everyday is mundane. We have to live up to expectations of society. Every1 minds your business. Things are so domesticated. Ppl are so fickle. When I read your tale and how u have lived your life, it was really so fascinating for me. You gave me a taste of your world. An intersting world of adventure and variety and just… Normality I guess. I wish I could live abroad. This is off the topic I know. I am so fed up with the norms of this society. Our govt. I’m sure u have heard. Let me not say more.
Yes I nEed to start work. I am quite excited but ALL in Gods time. I trust Him. I can’t blv its been 9mnths for u. I remember like it was last week when I prompted u to tell your story to us, and u did. And look where u r now. WP I think the ‘EA’ with the OWW wasn’t really an ‘EA’ per se. It may have been a hint of it but I have full faith that u will have a speedy recovery with ths 1. Its like how mch I struggled with EA 1 and nw even tho I am also strugglin gettg ovr EA 2, its not so bad. I don’t cry about it. I don’t feel helpless. Maybe its because iv been there before and I have the know-how. Likewise, you too… This is just gonna be a piece of cake for u but we will always b tempted to engage in emotions WITH the oPp sex. We need to be weary. Vigilant. Always.
Anyway I have spoke enough. Do look forward to your next post. Today is a good day. Not pining for OM. Thank God. Stay blessed , always. Take care. God be with u. SDN
Hi SDN, Good morning! Thank you for this update :) I am happy to see you are in a better place. Your words are well chosen… yes, EA’s are an addiction.. very true. I am happy to encourage you SDN… and I only tell you the truth as I see it. You HAVE come a long way…very true. I AM proud of you… also very true. Also thank you for your prayers for me to “be blessed always” This is a precious expression of yours! It means so much to me…. also that you say my posts are such a help to you and others. I know you mean what you say… Thank you!
Yes I do feel isolated. We do have friends here… and we visit with them…. but it is not the same at all. I miss the daily interaction, the spontaneous coffee break, the good conversation where we really share what is on our minds… and the history I have- 27 years! One gets to know people very well during that time. But now, 95% of that is gone. On the one hand it’s hard, and on the other hand, I see it as a necessary step. I’m alone far more often than I was before and you’re right. You rightly say it’s a path to finding peace within myself… connect with myself and with God. I am doing this now… and it is a good development. It allows me to see better why I got into these EA’s in the first place… I have time to read, to search the Internet for articles in this area… to think…. and to ponder. I have great respect for your 5 years at home! It would be good for you to have other distractions as you say… to work out at the gym, or have a job….. you know so much at such a young age…. this is good SDN!
Wow! You and L are back to normal! I remember your saying something similar before… and it could have gone WAY wrong! Also it is good for L to know that he really needs to pay attention and not take you for granted… this is perhaps the “silver lining on the dark cloud.” Remember that one internet site I sent to you about a physical affair which the wife had? Her words near the very end are almost the same as yours in your last text! Here’s the site: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LQUMFYNe8sk
I can imagine it was VERY difficult to tell L… but you DID IT. You’ve come through the tunnel and now you’re outside again in the sunshine. You have weathered the storm and you are not broken. You have every reason to think well of yourself… and also to thank God Who… I believe orchestrated the call from OM’s wife to spare you and L and your children significant pain. You say it very well: “I have it all. I just need to learn how to be satisfied and maintain my loyalty to L.” This is true for both of us. Remember you said, “I should be satisfied but I am not?” And I said to you, “Yes… I have the same and I feel VERY bad about that?” I have been thinking more about this…and have been reading about it as well. On the one hand we can say we both are trying to improve our poor self esteem…which is probably true… but I think it is more the thrill, the rush of emotion and the “high” of having such a good connection with an opposite sex friend… which is an addictive medication for the lack of security and well being when we were children. We just have to find other, less destructive ways of filling that void which we have talked about.
I too come from a background of “tunnel vision.” The northeast of the US is a beautiful area, but very narrow minded. Your description fits there also very well. I lived there until age 23. I had completed a Bachelor’s degree, and had been working for one year as a research chemist. I knew this employer was not for me… SO I went back to school in the state of Arizona, 4000 km away. Same country but very different way of thinking. This was one of the best things I ever did. I saw the American Southwest for the first time. the Mohave desert… new people… the Catalina Mountains…and I lived there for three years (You can google “mountains around Tucson” to see photos), then to the Netherlands to get married… and you know the rest. Living abroad for me has one main advantage, and one main disadvantage. The advantage is that I was not “boxed in” by the societal norms since I did not grow up with them. I was a spectator in many ways. Of course I learned… and adjusted…. but I was not bound by them. The down side was I forgot the meaning of “home” for about 10 years…. then needed the next 10 years to redefine it. Living in the Netherlands and working in Germany did not help… I was changing languages and cultures literally every day. It sounds exciting… and it is, for a while. After the excitement wears off (it DOES wear off!) it is just exhausting.
What does this have to do with having an EA? Simply this- I did not grow up with an idea of real “security.” Living in a very different place added to that “orphan” state of mind. SO when I found the on-line OW’s, I loved the conversations and the real connection we had. I grew to love these people even though I had never met them. I was drawn to them… you of course know how that feels. You’re right about my OWW. She was not an EA in the classic sense…. but it was not right for me to call her so often when R was not there. As soon as we talk about heart to heart topics with an opposite sex friend, that potential for an EA is certainly present… and I did begin to care so much for OWW. I still do. But this agreement with R is good. I do miss the thrill and excitement of an EA. yes… only because it is the closest thing to a feeling of security I have ever had, other than the love of my wife, R. WHY then the tendency to not be satisfied with the love of a committed spouse? I don’t know. The only thing that comes to mind is… I felt deep down that it was too good to be true. I wondered how long it would last. It is true that I lived for quite a long time with the fear that one day R would be gone. Does this ring a bell with you SDN? No I’m not a psychologist, but I would like to understand this better.
Perhaps the internet site I sent you before is the best explanation I have seen to date. As I said before, I have great respect for the author of this site, and I can very well follow her train of thought. Here’s the site again>
http://www.salon.com/2014/08/03/why_i_cant_stop_cheating_on_my_husband_partner/ I would be very interested in your thoughts about this site SDN.
Re. getting over OWW… You say, “…This is just gonna be a piece of cake for u.” Thank you for your faith in me… but I am taking nothing for granted. And yes, you and I… “we will always be tempted to engage in emotions WITH the opp sex” True SDN…. let us both be VERY careful with this, and vigilant. No pining for OM!! Good for you!! You have a good day SDN. I look forward to your next post. Yes, you have come a long way! God is looking after you! Cheers, WP
Thank you also SDN, for your prayers, your faith in me, and your comments re. my support for others on MM. I really appreciate your words. And yes, I am honored that you feel you can come here and talk to me about your personal things. I will do my best to answer of course. You have perceived my faults and have very tactfully pointed them out to me. Thank you for your taking the time to do that in a very non – judgmental way.
God and His Word have the final say! If there is anything I say here which you know disagrees with Scripture, then please… I would like to be corrected! Cheers, WP
Hi WP. I hope today is a better day for you. Thank u for your posts above. I understand very well what u are saying and how the lack of security impacted on you. your childhood together with the continuous movement left u feeling unsettled all the time. Exactly ‘unsettled’. Oh WP don’t u just hate the fact that your circumstances were such? Don’t u wish u were ‘normal’. For me, I do. And when I say this I mean, I wish I could always maintain my loyalty to L and ne new interaction with the opp sex didn’t seem so attractive. I have a problem. That’s for sure. I hate it. I have to constantly remind myself that chatting to OM or anyone else will cause havoc. That should be obvious. But it is exactly how u described it, “the high and the thrill of it” that tempts me so much. Our problems are deeper. We do it because we have been bruised beyond repair. No1 will understand us. NO ONE. Society dictates ‘normality’. The norm is that spouses should be loyal. But we love starting ‘friendships’ that will lead to some element of inappropriateness. In the back of our minds we know this so well, we do it anyway. I need to tell u something relevant to this. It was June last year, I was in the midst of EA1. So infatuated with OM1 when I attended my daughters sports day and saw OM2 for the 1st time ever. Externally one would look at me and think ‘pretty decent and moral’…. but deep down lies more. WP, I looked at OM2 . I watched him. observed him…. and also observed the mysterious distant between his wife and him. I watched him like an Eagle watchg and surrounding its prey. in my mind, I thought to myself ‘I can have him if I wanted, I know I can’. And so my pursuit was initiated and I found him on FB. The rest u know of. THIS…. is horrible. I confess it is the working of a mind of some1 sick. The convoluted charade just to succeed in pursuing who I wanted and who I thought will give me some sort of thrill and security. Indeed mission success! but much to my detriment and his detriment. I am so messed up WP. how will I cope in future??? This is somethg dark I confessed to you. No idea why.
Last night I had a tough time with both my kids and I ddnt sleep much. I was moody and on top of that OM was on my mind… but so ethg is odd abt this because I thought of him with so much of resent. After all that has happened he ddnt care, not in the least to find out how I am doing after HIS wife called me and very harshly fought with me. He acted as though the past 5months did not exist. to me, he is a coward. My feelings for him have not switched off entirely. How could it??? I am human not a machine. I often wonder if he ever thinks of me. Is this normal?? I still haven’t tried to contact him. I also don’t wanna seem desperate but I do miss him. our convos mainly. the connection.
WP, I am rushing through this response… I will open the 2nd link later on and express my views to u. Yes WP, the grass is not greener on the other side, there lies dried up weeds. Not my sentiments. I just relayed what the woman in the video stated. I remember rewinding that part to hear it again. I see u remember that so well, means it resonated for u too. Its obvious why….for both of us. You stay blessed, always WP… Please take care. I always anticipate a response from u. SDN
Hi WP. I had some time now to go through the site you shared with me. O my!!! It is ALMOST as tho I wrote this article. Everything. She shared my exact sentiments. Pls be advised that the confession I made above about my ‘luring tactic’ with OM2 was thought of BEFORE I read the article. Isn’t the similarity uncanny. She says she has a PHD in luring men.. In getting them to want her.. This sounds so much like me. And the ‘daddy issues’?? O my God. This is me. What is upsetting is the personality disorder and the fact that she suffers with multiple personalities. I am questioning. Is this me too? I am scared. Will my problem turn out this way?? The ability to not feel guilt?? That’s me too, sort off. Oh WP, I have shared my thoughts. What do u think? And do u also relate to this? WP, I am also questioning whether I do these thgs for sex. I have so far been loyal to L. Well u knw to a certain xtent. But I absolutely enjoyed the physical acts between OM 2 and I. Especially that the kiss was initiated by me and the impact of my actions on OM2 and how he said he felt at that time. Do u understand me WP? I know I am being completely transparent here. Pls give me your feedback WP. Thank u WP. Keep well and stay blessed always. SDN
Hi SDN, Wow! It’s hard for me to find words to adequately express my high respect for your transparency/honesty… and the fact that we can talk on this level and understand one another so well! To answer your question… Yes, I have sometimes wished I were “normal” and yes, not to have to deal with the attraction for a new interaction with an opposite sex friend. But that is just it, What is “Normal?” God made us as sexual beings, It was His idea to have opposites attract… and let’s look at it another way… I find it difficult to believe that “normal” people do NOT contend with this AT ALL. Do you agree? I’m not trying to “explain away” a problem, but I am trying to be realistic. I do think that we both contend with the temptation of attraction to opposite sex friends more than many.. this I would say is true. Sure it is normal to wonder if OM thinks of you. Sure it’s normal to miss him. This is only human. You are certainly right when you say, “No 1 will understand us. NO ONE.” Actually… not quite true. The author of that website “I can’t stop cheating on my husband” would understand. People judge SO easily! (most often with actions they have not experienced) Horrible really…. I know you know how that feels.
I have been thinking A LOT about this statement of yours: “But we love starting ‘friendships’ that will lead to some element of inappropriateness.” The pull is there for me, but I do not love it. Rather… I do NOT like it at all. I think you are the same SDN. You don’t really LOVE this, but you are pulled in that direction because of the damage sustained in your early years. Having “daddy issues” does NOT excuse making bad choices… it DOES mean it is harder to steer clear of making those bad choices than for “normal” people. I have GREAT respect for your confession about OM2 and how that started. It must be VERY hard on you SDN… I don’t want to you to say to yourself, “I’m so messed up…” Nor do I accept your statement: ”We do it because we have been bruised beyond repair.” No one is beyond repair SDN. NO ONE. When I think of where you were before… and what you’ve done to pull yourself out of the “quicksand”… my opinion is, that you’re a quality person who was damaged at an early age, but has an inner strength of character and a loyalty which is stronger than the pull to “start ‘friendships’ that will lead to some element of inappropriateness.” Yes you and I have made some bad choices, but you have also made some very difficult, GOOD choices. You CHOSE to tell L. You CHOSE to stop the relationship with OM1 AND OM2. You CHOSE to not call OM2’s work number. You ARE CHOOSING to stay loyal to L. These are not the choices of a messed up, no good person. These are the choices of a strong, but damaged person who is determined to do what it takes to do what is right. Just because you are damaged does NOT mean you are “no good.” Please write that on a card and carry it with you to REMIND you, OK SDN? A messed up person who is no good would have kept up with OM1, OM2 and probably more OM’s! That person would have abandoned L and the children. Most telling of all, a “no good” person wouldn’t have cared, and would have no remorse. The lack of remorse and lack of determination to change make the difference I think. This is what sets apart the author of the website “I can’t stop cheating on my husband.” She struggles too, and feels bad about herself. The truly “messed up, no good person” would not have those feelings… and would certainly not write such a transparent website.
Re. your second post… As I said before, I do understand the author’s thinking…I can identify well with what she is saying. I admire her for her honesty, as I said earlier. She doesn’t like what she is doing, but I think her issues are far worse than yours. It seems that she is in WAY over her head. The urge she has to lure men is far stronger than yours. I do not see her as an evil, conniving person at all. I see her as a struggling person who has no understanding of the forces raging in her, nor does she have any idea of how to fix it. Fortunately, these days it is far more acceptable to seek professional help with such things. I certainly hope she is able to get the help she needs. I perceive in her a beautiful and intelligent personality really. I see the same in you SDN. Do you have the same damage as she? That I do not know… a professional would need to assess that. You say you are questioning whether you do these things for sex. Mmmm… I think it’s more likely for the short term “wonderful feeling, ecstatic rush” rather than for sex itself? Therefore of course you” absolutely enjoyed the physical acts between OM 2 and I. Especially that the kiss was initiated by me” If you were really doing it for sex, then you would have gone “all the way” right? But you did not, and you will not and yes you do feel guilty. These are powerful forces to be sure SDN… no doubt about that! But only you can answer this question for yourself. Yes SDN, I understand you very well.
NO ONE is beyond repair SDN… NO ONE. I firmly believe this. When I think of where I was for SO long, and where I am now… and the changes I’ve seen in others… AND… how WELL you have done… I’m confident that you’ll continue to make right choices, since God has clearly “begun a good work in you and will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus. (Philippians 1:6) But be on your guard SDN…Pray… get help if you can… and give yourself a break. I have great respect for you. You take care of yourself… I look forward to hearing from you. May God be with you… and may you stay blessed always too. WP