“How can I get unhooked from an emotional affair?” There is not easy way to do this. And it’s important to know that it will involve a process of time. In that process, several practices are important.
First of all, to get unhooked from this situation, separation is important. The emphasis here is on abstinence and sobriety. You don’t indulge yourself with the other person’s presence. You must stop exposing yourself to this shared life experience. The contact is what keeps these feelings alive. That is why you need to stop feeding the compulsion.
To get unhooked, first of all, separation is important.
The emphasis here is on abstinence and sobriety. It’s important not to indulge yourself with the other person’s presence. You must stop exposing yourself to this shared life experience. It is the contact that keeps these feelings alive. To get unhooked from them, you need to stop feeding the compulsion.
I hasten to add that you just can’t bury these feelings.
Therefore, the next step is identification.
What is the “something” this person touches inside you? What unmet need does he tap into? Sometimes the infidel can process this with a spouse or a same-sex friend. But other times that will need to be done with an experienced counselor who is committed to restoring the marriage.
My experience is that the longings that underlie infidelity go back to childhood. The infidel brings them with him or her into the marriage. They often were touched upon or satisfied in the initial phases of the relationship with the spouse. But over time have been buried by the crush of life’s responsibilities.
Furthermore, the next process to getting unhooked is exposure.
Don’t allow these longings and feelings to remain a secret. The longer an infidel allows these feelings to continue as a secret, the more he or she will idealize the person the feelings are attached to. Idealization means this partner becomes perfect. As a result, no one else (e.g., the spouse) can measure up. The partner is beginning to be seen as “all good,” and therefore the infidel will have to see the marriage as “all bad.”
As mentioned earlier, if you encapsulate these feelings at this point, they will only lie dormant to be triggered again later. I usually encourage the infidel to share his feelings with his spouse, after seeking counsel. After all, the spouse has been involved in this story already (in that all affairs are a triangle, even if the spouse is unaware). He or she might as well know the secrets that are occurring in his/her marriage.
The next concept to get unhooked is to journal.
Write down the feelings you are experiencing in this rather involved and tortuous journey. Feelings don’t have to control an individual. But their influence is strongest when they are held in secret. The longings that have led to this emotional affair are a part of the childhood magic. That’s why journaling them gets them out into the open, into the adult realm.
The next step to getting unhooked is displacement.
You can use this process in tandem with some of the other processes. Here you do something else in lieu of focusing on the partner. You can exercise, get involved in spiritual development, or take on different projects or hobbies. This is the “doing” part of healing.
The final idea is to grieve.
Though this is extremely difficult for the spouse to observe, it is important and necessary. Many times this needs to start with a “good-bye” letter. (It is written to the adulterous partner.) Most infidels find this very painful to do. It seems so unnecessary initially, because seemingly “nothing evil has happened,” since they didn’t have sex. Only after thorough processing, and the passage of time, will the infidel be able to look back and see how befuddled his/her thinking really was.
This is also a good time for the infidel to review his/her “loss history.” As a result, this leads naturally to grieving. What other significant caregivers, friends, loved ones, or pets has the infidel lost that parallel the lost feelings in giving up the affair? The infidel will probably want to do this in private and only later will be able to share the depth of the experience with his spouse.
(But there’s a caution here: The depression is not about what you feel for the partner. Instead it is about what you are feeling, period. Keep the partner out of the equation. It will make it easier for your souse to listen to your feelings. And it will be easier for you to connect with the feelings in your heart that need processing.)
The Healing Process to Get Unhooked:
Neither your partner nor your spouse can release you from the emotional hook you’ve experienced. Many spouses caught in this kind of emotional affair have found portions of The Serenity Prayer helpful:
“Lord, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.”
Be careful of changing the components around. Don’t try to change the things you cannot change. That will only lead to frustration and anger. On the other hand, don’t accept the things you should be changing. That will only lead to feelings of victimization, a sense of “What’s the use? I can’t lick this, so I might as well give in.”
Time, the healing process, always requires a backward look.
Encouragement is not usually the result if you look to where you need to be, feel like you ought to be, or even want to be. You will see the feelings diminish as you look backward to where you were three, six or nine months ago.
Rebuild and concentrate on the lost relationships that contributed to the vacuum that the emotional affair filled. That could require quite a search on your part, some intense conversations (even confrontations) with people in your life, a lot of focused reading, and even some trips/visits to significant places in your childhood.
Enjoy the process and reschedule the experiences that made your marriage good in the first place. Here I encourage couples to each identify the “eight greats” of their marital experience. Independently, each spouse should identify the eight great experiences, or highlights, of their marital history. Then they decide together on five that they’d like to repeat. You see, shared history is a critical component of intimacy. Rare is the spouse who won’t join “the almost infidel” in this endeavor and experience recovery from close call. Why, most of us had close calls ourselves.
Some Cautions for the Infidel:
Temptations do not an identity make. Some people struggle with the same temptation for years. For instance, just because someone wants to smoke again because he’s tempted doesn’t mean he’s a smoker. Don’t let the temptation to return to the partner shame you into feeling “What’s the use? I might as well give in. I’ll never be free of these feelings.”
Second, remember that in periods of high stress, difficult emotions, transition, and marital dullness, you will feel an increased desire to return to the partner or to renew thoughts of him/her. At times, infidels report that they have yearnings to think about this person just to see if the feelings are still “available” as in the days gone by. This “testing” is common to obsessive-compulsive behaviors. And the intent is to prove to oneself how far one has come in the recovery process.
Also, be careful. This process can begin to mimic the destabilization process of a Class 2 affair. Such practices only intensify, rather than lessen, the attraction —and the hook goes much deeper.
Some Encouragement for the Spouse:
First, remember that these longings were present in your spouse before you entered his or her life. You didn’t create them. And you probably can’t fully satisfy them.
Second, you did tap into those longings early in your relationship in some fashion. The longings were present in the initial feelings of what love is all about. For whatever reason, the infidel settled for the initial feelings of what love is all about and superficial satisfaction of those longings, versus deepening and maturing them. This is not your fault. Many times it is the result of a combination of circumstances. It can include work, school, family, and so on. But the exciting thing is now you both can go deeper in your love for each other.
Last, both of you will eventually forget the partner. The memories of this experience will fade in the same way that a widow or widower forgets about the loss of a good first marriage if the second marriage is a pleasant experience.
It is possible to rebuild after an emotional affair has been discovered. Work through these steps and you will make progress. This is the kind of stuff emotional intimacy is built on, and that is the key to any good marriage.
This article comes from the excellent book, TORN ASUNDER: Recovering From an Extramarital Affair
Filed under: Emotional & Physical Affair Emotional Infidelity
Hi WP. I hope you are well. Thank u for your post above. I know I can always trust you to be brutally honest with me at times and at he very same time show me qualities within myself that I am totally oblivious. WP, as I was writing my post above, and typing out ‘don’t u wish u were ‘normal’. I knew v well that u were gonna dissect the word ‘normal’ and disagree. I strongly agree with your conviction on that aspect. Infact I agree with everything u brought my notice to. However WP, I am somewhat in disbelief when u tell me the things about myself and how far I have come and about being a good person etc. I know its true but somehow a v big part of me rejects what u say. I don’t know why. I feel as tho I have sinned so much. I feel as tho God is angry with me. Sometimes I can’t help the way I feel. I have been missing OM so much. It actually saddens me. I didn’t know I would feel this way. On a positive note, I am lucky I have no real means of contacting him bcz by now I would have texted him and we have found some way to keep the affair alive. Bluntly put. I stiLl find myself thinkg of him and also wondering ‘what if’. I remember u saying that with the NC policy, each day makes it better. It is true. I really hope I can maintain this. Infact the mor days that pass which OM does not attempt to connect with me, I feel some sort of resent towards him. I wish this whole thing never ever happen.
WP, I don’t sit on my phone like I used to. I find myself engaged in doing other things. Lil things here and there. I am paying attention to my kids more. Trying to understand my daughter more. Its working so well. Iv started my work out routine. It feels good. I feel positive. My mind is v slowly clearing. BUT deep down I am sad. A heartbreak, illicit or not, is a heartbreak. Missing some1 secretly isn’t nice. I once read a quote which I loved, it says, ‘Life begins at the end of your comfort zone’. So true. Life is starting to normalise. L and I are friends again. We don’t talk about OM or that whole situation. We work as a team SOMEWHAT with our kids. NC WP! U were so right all along. I WILL maintain this even tho I am longing to talk to OM. ENOUGH ABOUT ME!!!
How are u WP? What’s been happening lately? Do u miss OWW? I won’t ask abt the FB OW bcz I KNOW it is irrelevant. U said u don’t miss the stress but u miss the convos. I think that is enough to keep u on the right track. What have u been up to lately? Do u read books? Do u notice how we seldom buy books because every other topic we desire enlightening ourselves on is all over the net? I miss reading my books. I used to read a lot of novels a couple of years ago. I was always attracted to love affair stories and unique romance, betrayal… Hmmm go figure. Lol. (Not that its smethg to laugh about).
WP, thank u for being here for me. I really appreciate your words and your efforts. It means a lot to me. I pray that all your struggles be fought effortlessly by you and may God ALWAYS guide you and help u in what ever battle u find yourself in. That is all. I just want u to be haPpy and at peace. Isn’t this the reason we r all here?? Maybe we lack peace. Peace of mind. We are all fighting some battle. O well WP, u take care. I look forward to your next post and words of encouragement. Pls do feel free to express more details on your way of living there abroad as u know how fascinating I find it. Stay blessed, ALWAYS. SDN
Hi SDN… As always, your texts really make me think. Always good to hear from you. I am doing OK, thank you. I can only write a short answer now… but tomorrow I will have more time.
I’ve been thinking a lot about the site “I can’t stop cheating on my husband.” I understand her so well, because, if I’m really honest, a part of me wants to do what she’s doing. Does this surprise you? However, the other part of me DOES NOT WANT to go there. …I love R VERY much and I KNOW destruction lies just around the corner. I KNOW I would hate myself. I understand YOU so well when you described how you initiated your EA2. I really do. I wish I were normal SDN… as you said… I did not have the tendency to want these “friendships.” It is also true though… that MANY struggle with the lure of affairs… more than we think. What I really want even MORE than these ‘friendships’ is to have that excitement, that thrill and that high in my marriage. I wonder if that’s realistic though, or even achievable. Part of me thinks… “no…” and the reading I have done tends to support this. There is something even better than that… a secure love… a love that will not quit… a love that you can COUNT ON. I have more thoughts on this… and I will write them as soon as I have a block of uninterrupted time.
I also have thoughts on what to do about all this… we haven’t said so much about that. For now, I hope you are well SDN… May God look after you and keep you and surround you, and L, and the children with His angels. More soon. Take care. God is not angry with you SDN. Really… He’s not. More later. Please let me know what you think. You stay blessed too… ALWAYS… WP
Hi WP. I finally have time to put my thoughts to your post uninterrupted. My daughter is SO dermanding! Yes, this does NOT surprise me WP. U have confessed smethg v deep and I appreciate the fact that u feel open enough to tell me this. WP, I feel the same too. I also wish I could do what she has done. I’d feel the thrill and excitement ALL the time. Like being on a drug (not that I’d know from experience). The effects of a drug. And the feeln is so addictive. We can feel high on ‘love’, sex and every other thg that seems ‘attractive’ abt affairs.
BUT u have answered all our questions urself WP when u talked about the secure love. Secure love is more. Secure love is real, its Godly (iro marriage), its pure, its true. All the others are based on a lie. On deceit, betrayal! Its fake. Its one big contrived charade! As much as we say we r honest, we r not! How can we be. We become masters in lying. We become actors and actresses without the qualification. We don’t need the CONSEQUENCES of this WP. Just like a drug, the effects r beautiful (an illusion), withdrawal is painful and overall it is not good for our mind, our body, our spirituality and our relationship with God. Where do we draw the line after that? Once a cheater is always a cheater. U will always feel disgraced and ‘dirty’.. Well I would! And the effects on the self esteem are worse. I respect u WP for confiding in me. Knw that u r not alone. Pls let me knw how u r doing. I look forward to a response from u, when u have the time ofcourse. Stay blessd WP, always. SDN
Good morning SDN! Here is my “next installment” as promised which follows my last text of April 8, 2016 at 9:05 am. Perhaps you have written a reply in the meantime, if so, then please read that last text first. This one is again a bit long. It is bright sun outside; I have so much I would like to say… and now I have time to put my thoughts more in order. First… about you SDN. You really seem to be doing better! Makes me very happy. Spending time with your kids, working out, staying away from the phone… all good.
About being “normal.” You wrote, “Don’t u wish u were ‘normal’. For me, I do. And when I say this I mean, I wish I could always maintain my loyalty to L and new interaction with the opp sex didn’t seem so attractive. YES… I do wish I were normal in the exact same sense that you describe. VERY much so. But the other things I wrote, I think are true as well. MANY struggle with the lure of affairs. I know I do. I understand you when you say that if you could, you would find a way to keep the affair alive, that you miss him. The question, “What if?” Oh yes… I have had ALL those thoughts too! I sometimes miss my On-line OW’s -and the conversations, the connection, the thrill and the “good feelings.” I do remember thinking, when I was in the middle of them, “How long can this go on??? It cannot keep up forever.” I knew this and I was sad about that… same as you, when you said you’re sad, because “a heartbreak, illicit or not, is a heartbreak.” Yes, I also miss OWW. But what is it we really MISS? We talked about that VOID earlier remember? The author of “I can’t stop cheating on my husband” describes this too… she uses the word “empty” several times: “For me, it’s a form of self-medicating a traumatic childhood. Yet it doesn’t work, as it only leaves me feeling angry, empty, and filled with more self-loathing… My husband loves me, but somehow it’s not enough (empty again… she tries to fill the emptiness). “I suddenly snap out of it, the high wears off, and the emptiness creeps in.” http://www.salon.com/2014/08/03/why_i_cant_stop_cheating_on_my_husband_partner/
Both the author of this site, and we ourselves, have not known what real security is. We never had it as children. We have no reference. We’re trying to understand something we have never had, have never seen, have never experienced. Yet we crave for it, we seek it, we look for it, “We are studying for our PhD.” But that PhD is false. It leads us down the wrong path. We both know that affairs, or “somewhat inappropriate opposite sex friendships” go wrong. They are not what we’re really looking for. We both know this. Am I right when I say we’re looking for peace of mind, to be basically happy, to be loved in a consistent, secure way, to be secure in ourselves (and therefore to have no need of the inappropriate relationships)? I think so. Thank you so much for your prayers! This leads to your next point.
You say, “I’m somewhat in disbelief when u tell me the things about myself and how far I have come and about being a good person etc. I know its true but somehow a v big part of me rejects what u say. I don’t know why.” THIS I understand. I had the same thing when R or family members would tell me she/they love me. (This has become MUCH much better in recent years.) My reaction was exactly as your text reads, “I know it’s true but somehow a v big part of me rejects what u say.” I think I know why for myself SDN. (Perhaps this is similar to the “why” for you?) Because I felt, sooner or later, it will come crashing down AND ….that they were just trying to make me feel good –they don’t mean what they say..WHY? I will tell you why. When I was young, I had very mixed messages. Positive affirmations (“I am proud of you…”) did not match up with other things which were SAID to me and which were DONE to me. Where does that leave me then? You see? Does this resonate with you SDN? Is this similar to your experience? Does this answer the “why” for you? What do you think? Why for you SDN? I would be interested in your answer.
When I tell you what I perceive in you… how far you’ve progressed, the positive things, etc. it’s true how the saying goes, “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” You’re like me and like everyone else, we filter out the positive but accept the negative. Is this crazy or what? We see ourselves through colored glasses that others are not wearing when they look at us. Those glasses have filters. The filters may have been necessary to survive when we were kids, but they are no longer needed or wanted or even appropriate! All of my texts I have written to you, and about you, are true. We need to take off the glasses we put on as children, needed then as a defense against the harsh side of life we experienced when we were too young to handle such things. Perhaps needed then, but no longer needed now. That all sounds good…. but how do we take off those glasses?
Here again that video from Tamar Laroux- she says all this better than I can. She said, “If I can’t live happy, then I don’t want to live at all.” You know her reaction to that. But she FOUND happiness, security, self worth. So can I! So can YOU! It’s THERE! Perhaps see the video again here below, and then please keep reading my text. Perhaps even write out her words. I did that. Was a lot of work …and a real help. Especially the last half. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGQDkCi-OIY
Similar to Tamar Laroux’s story, God didn’t fix my emotions all at once. It has been a process for me too. I find that when I take my eyes off God and His Word, I slip back into my “dark years.” I need to fix HIS PROMISES in my mind, and count THEM as true. Then, I find, the pull for an affair loses it’s power. We need to see ourselves as God sees us, precious in His sight, worth His “ownly” (not a spelling error here) Son’s life. Then we can open our hearts to allow God to show His care. He uses people to do this… but more often it’s a deep sense of His presence in your heart… a deep sense of security… and of peace. No one is damaged beyond repair. NO ONE.
We need to allow God into our heart- to ask His Son into our lives and forgive us our wrongs. We need to know His promises to us and replace our wrong thinking with His opinion of us. Then, we need to allow people to care for us. We have to accept their care and their positive comments as true. We must stop the suspicious, too well learned reply to their efforts, “Yeah right! Don’t lie to me!” Maybe, just maybe, people REALLY mean what they say. Maybe they are NOT lying. Maybe you ARE a beautiful person. Have you dared to consider that maybe… you ARE? I think you are. I don’t lie about these things. One special friend said to me once, “More people love you than you know. They just don’t tell you.” I never forgot that. So I make a point of telling people the beautiful that I see in them. When appropriate, I tell them I love them. Whenever appropriate, I very carefully and prayerfully tell them the “difficult things” like you did for me. (That doesn’t happen too often.)
When I think of the suffering that Christ went through on the Cross… I think, Oh my God! I NEVER want to reject what He did… NEVER. Psalm 139 (The one I was reading and I thought, “SDN will like this”) says, “I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” You are fearfully and wonderfully made. God had His hand on you during your childhood, during your EA’s, when you were pursuing OM2… and he’s not angry. He just wants you to turn to Him, run into His arms, and rest in His Love. God had His hand on you from your earliest moments. He gave you a husband and two children. Your words now come back to me: “L is amazing; yes he doesn’t shower me with afffection but he is perfect in every othr aspect in our marriage. Yes I’d love the attention and romance and maybe he DOESN’T KNOW HOW to give that to me… I should be pretty satisfied with L. I have everything other women would die for.” You know and understand a mother’s love for her children. That comes from Him. Marriage and the family unit are His idea… to illustrate His love for you.
One last thing. and please remember this: God the Father is not the same as your human father. They are NOT the same! I have to keep reminding myself of this too. When I forget I slip away. I can feel it happening and it’s a struggle to come back. Then the lure of the affair is so hard to resist! Writing this text to you is a real help because it makes me think, and explain. You have challenged me SDN. You’ve made me look at myself, and admit to things I did not know were there until you pointed them out. God isn’t angry. I think He is sad when we remain stuck in our wrong thinking. What we need to do is trust Him, to stay in His Word, know His promises… to allow people to care for us, and through these actions, to take off those old glasses.
This is a long text I know. I will answer your other questions soon about International living, reading books and “other things I’m up to.” Thank you for being here for me too… for your prayers. They mean so much. You stay blessed too… Always! Cheers, WP
Hi WP. I hope you are well. Here in South Africa, the season is changing and we are nearing Winter. I love winter. I was also born on the last day of Winter. Thank you for your post above. I have read it over and over and I agree with you. We always seem to share the same sentiments. You tend to see things in the same light as I do. Very, VERY rarely do I disagree with your convictions or findings.
WP, to express my views, I think I don’t believe the good that people say to me because I have a very low self esteem. My low self esteem is not always transparent as I know how to hide my flaws and failures. As a child, my dad abused me SO much WP. I was so emotionally bruised. I was his slave and if I didn’t do what he wanted he would bash me up. I was often very very scared of him. I felt very uncomfortable in his presence. I could not be my normal self around him. I had to act ‘correctly’. You have made me go back to a time and memories I tried to erase or hide. I actually forgt these feelings. I remember having to go with him in his car alone and I’d look out the window the whole time and not say a word. I’d feel absolutely uncomfortable. I must have been 6 or 7. My dad used me. He tormented me. He himself was such an emotional wreck so he used me as his punching bag. How insane :( :( :( I would never do that to my kids. I had an unstable childhood. I could go on and on talking abt the 1000s of instances my dad tormented, abused, belittled me. The funny part is he was different to my two sisters. He LOVED them. He talked to them. He never worry them. He hardly hit them. My dad has this complex. It’s so ridiculous!!! He has this thing against fair skinned woman/girls. I am fair skinned like my mum. My sisters are darker. I was always considered the attractive one. He hated me. He still does. He never wanted me to progress like I did. God was on my side and still is. What did I do to be treated the way I was when I was a baby? Nothing. I was so innocent. I didn’t ask to be born fair. He HATED ME WP! He would pick on me all the time. Degrading me. Humiliating me. I grew up feeling I wasn’t good enough. I somehow ended up being the smarter one too. I showed him. I didn’t do it for him but he sees it now. I educated myself. I take care of myself. I’v got a beautiful family. He hates that I won. However, I still find myself trying to progress more to prove to him I’m not all he said I was. It’s hard for me to trust peoples compliments WP. My dad always taught us about what men want and they will compliment you just for your body etc. Everything was based on image for him. But this is wrong. It is incorrect. I remember OM2 once telling me how screwed up I was. He said it in anger when I accused him of chatting to other women. He said I WANTED him to hurt me so I can satisfy myself that I was right about him hurting me as I always believed he would one day and that its so hard to believe when someone really loves me or cares for me. I am a scarred person on the inside WP. This is why I am cynical. I don’t trust peoples good words to me.
Its hard being me. I must be a really strong someone now that I think of all I had to endure as a child and adult. I miss OM2 WP. Still. I have maintained NC. But my mind still goes to him. Its so hard WP. However, and that’s a big HOWEVER, I am paying more attention to my kids, on myself, my mind is clear. I am being faithful. God is always on my mind and I’v been applying for jobs. All in all. Its good but I am sad inside :( :( :(
I will never forget Tamara’s video. I think it has impacted on me the most. I often thought of her experience when I was not on this site. Thank you WP for sharing all this wisdom with me. My Guardian Angel. I hope you are doing well. Please let me know how you are coping and what you have been upto lately. Stay blessed always WP and take good care of yourself. SDN
Dear SDN,
Thank you so much for your post. I imagine it was VERY difficult to write. I also follow very well what you are saying. The text I write below is given to you so you can appreciate that I do understand your experience. To get past the addiction and lure of an EA. It is good to recall past event only so they can be SEEN for what they ARE, and then be put to REST. I will explain that a little later. Allow me to say here that I am VERY SORRY you went through such things.
I was also belittled many times. I was also very afraid of my father. I was also uncomfortable. You say, “I could not be my normal self around him. I had to act ‘correctly’. I had the exact same thing! I became very good at knowing what to say, what to hide, and how to stay out of sight. I felt very strongly that he looked down on me, and thought I was no good (but he never said that). Several events burned that impression into my mind. I remember them all very well in much the same way that you can recall specific events when you were so young and so innocent. The worst was my sexual abuse (by his half brother) and his statement to me at that time. My younger brother once told me years later, when we were grown, that he was terrified of the high backed leather chair we had in the living room. I asked him why. He said, that’s where you two (me and my twin brother) would be punished with the belt. He obviously witnessed these punishments, although I do not recall his ever being there. I do recall the belt, yes, but never on that chair. Strange. Perhaps I blocked out those events. I don’t know. I felt guilty because I had an appetite at mealtimes, since I needed to eat (and food costs money). I paid for my advanced degree which I completed in 3 years. I had 3 jobs to pay for school. I would give blood as often as I could since each session would mean $5., (selling my blood really.) But that was better than asking my Dad to help me with the last of my education. My basic understanding was that when we turned 21, that we were on our own, not because we were now grown and were being sent out into the world with his blessing, but rather because finally we didn’t cost him money anymore. He did pay the higher education of my younger sister and younger brother. I don’t mind though. It was well worth it to have done it myself, for the same reason you express. (My twin brother stopped his education earlier that the rest of us). However, and this may be different from your experience, we also had positive memories of going fishing and learning to shoot. During these times I could let down my guard. So we had very mixed messages, as I said before. I did not know what to think, at all. I still don’t, even now. Interesting we are talking about these things now. I was just on the phone last night to him and my mother. They are very frightened for us, living here in Europe. They want us to move back to the US. My mother said, “Our home is your home.” My father agreed with her, “Yes,” he said. My inner reaction was, “I believe my mother, I do not believe my father.” Maybe 5 – 10 years ago, when I was travelling more often to the US, I would stay at my parents’ apartment for the weekend. On one of those overnights, my father accused me of stealing money from the family. Where he got such a wild notion, I have NO idea. All the old childhood reactions came back, tensed, heart beating fast, not knowing what to say next, very uncomfortable. You see? very mixed messages.
Enough of this now. I write these things to show you that I DO appreciate where you are coming from. I also write them in an attempt to SEE them for what they ARE. Perhaps God has it in mind for you to recall your childhood again, for this very purpose. To see these events for what they are and to put them to rest and get past the attraction of an EA. I have a simple question. Let us say that you like chocolate cake VERY much and look forward to having it as a special treat. Vanilla cake with white icing, you do not like at ALL. “Horrible stuff,” you think, “tastes terrible!” etc. etc. Does this mean that the quality of the chocolate cake is BETTER THAN that of the vanilla cake? Does this mean that the chocolate is “good” and the vanilla is “bad?” Does this mean that the chocolate is more nutritious than the vanilla? Of course you know the answers. You are fair skinned, your sisters are darker. Does this difference make your sisters any better than you? Again, in your heart you know the answer. Your father did and said things to you that no child should ever have to experience. We both need to see these things for what they are. THEY ARE THE WRONG and DECEPTIVE REACTIONS of damaged men, our fathers, who very likely were severely traumatized. (I am not speaking badly of your father or mine for that matter.) Both damaged individuals have passed along this damage to the next generation. You, (and I) and other abused children, ALLOW THE WORDS and ACTIONS OF THEIR ABUSER TO DEFINE WHO WE/THEY ARE. This is the ONLY reason we have low self esteem. This is the only reason why EA’s have been a problem for us. WHY do we allow the twisted words and crazy actions of damaged people define who we are??? We CAN stop this! With God’s help, we CAN.
It is a process, SDN. Perhaps you should write a letter to yourself, telling yourself who you are IN YOUR EYES, with statements you KNOW to be true. Another idea is to have a close trusted friend, who knows you well, do this for you, (or more friends). You have written the following already: “I am fair skinned, others find me attractive.” “I am intelligent.” “I educated myself, I take care of myself.” “I have a beautiful family.” (and you built that beautiful family!) “I am very strong.” “God is on my side, and still is.” Will you can consider the following statements as well? I think they are also true: “I am a good mother; I demonstrate to my children that I love them.” “I have compassion for other people.” “I know how to be a good friend, and I am a good friend.”
I know you are sad, and I know you still think of OM and miss him. I also know you are being faithful, and that you are keeping you mind on other things, like your children, applying for jobs, etc. Keep that up, SDN. Stay occupied. Maintain NC!! I know it’s hard, but do it and please write that letter, or have it written by a friend. I have a little story for you. A teacher of 11 year old children gave the kids the following exercise. Each child was to write three things that they really liked about each of the other children. Then the contributions of each child were all passed to that child. In a class of 12 kids, that meant that each child had a collection of 33 items that the other kids liked about them personally. They did the assignment carefully, and thoughtfully. All the kids received their letters. Fast forward 10 years. One of the kids was killed in Vietnam and his personal things sent to his parents. That individual had kept the letters all that time, and were on his person when he died in action. There was a class reunion, in which all the kids (now adults) assembled again together. It turns out that they all kept their letters, and said it was one of the most significant events in their education. Why? Because they received feedback about themselves which they could trust, and which they used to define themselves.
You said, “It’s hard being me.” You said, “it’s so hard to believe when someone really loves me or cares for me. I am a scarred person on the inside WP. This is why I am cynical. I don’t trust peoples good words to me.” I think you can see from my earlier texts that I have struggled in exactly the same way and have felt exactly the same hopelessness. Allow me to say that this CAN get better. I myself am living proof that this is true. No one is beyond repair, SDN. I hope you accept my texts written to you and about you as true. I hope you consider my statement here now, that after I have read all your texts. If I were your father, I would be very proud of you. You have no reason not to believe this, nor do you have a reason to think that I am saying this to make you feel good. I think you know me better than that by now. One last item. You said, ” Very, VERY rarely do I disagree with your convictions or findings.” This tells me that there are a few things with which you do NOT agree. What are these? I am very curious.
In my next text, I will share what I have been up to and how I’m doing. I hope to hear from you soon. As you say, Stay blessed, SDN. You ARE blessed you know. Cheers, WP
Hi WP. Thank you for such a thought provoking post. The lessons and the analogy you have beautifully stated about the cakes. You make me feel worth it. Speaking to you on the level that I do has proved to be very therapeutic to me.
WP, I have a confession. I called OM at work today. I did it in this rush because I knew I wanted to and if I stopped to give it a single thought, I’d have stopped. It was inevitable, WP. I was yearning for him. How disgraceful but its the truth. After our talk, he texted me and a there was an exchange of texts for a while in which I felt such an incredible happiness and high. I noticed my mood elevating and I felt ‘joy’ but when it was over I regretted it. Like I stood outside the box a bit and realised what a stupid move it was. To be honest, I just wanted to hear him say he missed me and he thought of me often. Which he has expressed and more. All along I felt discarded like yesterdays newspaper because he made no real effort to contact me. He says he didn’t wanna cause me more harm than he already has with L. The ‘event’ today was satisfying. He has said he would like to text me now and then. ‘Now and then’. We will see. Things have changed though. There isn’t the spark that once prevailed. This is all I hve to say, WP. I feel like expressing this to you: please do not come down on me like a ton of bricks. I felt the obligation to confess this to you. I see now the relation that we share. It makes sense to me. I know what I did today wasn’t OK. It wasn’t and yes I failed. But I somehow don’t feel too beaten about it. To be honest, ALL I wanted was the reassurance from him that he hasn’t moved on and that I still ‘have him in my grip’. And now its over. I got the satisfaction I wanted.
I will anticipate a response WP. And I will await quite anxiously. You ARE like the father I WOULD NEVER have had. I am scared telling you but at the same time I feel liberated after doing so. Stay blessed WP, always. SDN
WP I Forgot to mention something important. You said that you had mixed signals from your dad as a child, so did I. He treated me like a slave and was abusive but would take my sisters and I for an outing or buy us ‘goodies’ (often some sweets and chocolates). He was generous and knew the meaning of a ‘good time’. But it was a collective offering of himself. Not doing something special just for me. So I must question, was I just an added person in the ‘benefits’? Seems like it. I doubt my dad feels anything for me today. He has often stated to my mum that he feels bad because financially I haven’t received as much from him as my sisters did. No real efforts made to level that finding of his though. So mixed signals here too. Just like You. WP.
Hi SDN,
Please don’t worry. I will not come down on you like a ton of bricks. I have no right to do such a thing. The only thing I have to say is, just please don’t do it again. Forget about it and move on. Of course you know that I know the “incredible happiness and high.” We both know what it is to have the regrets afterward. I have the same with OWW. Yes I miss our conversations, but I KNOW that if I call her without R being there, that I will have the same “incredible happiness and high” and the regret later. So, I don’t call her. Done. Over. Unless R is with me. End of story. You are so like me, really! Yes you failed, but, ah well, you cannot change it now, so just move forward, and don’t look back. You don’t have to be afraid to tell me. Far more important, you don’t have to be afraid to tell God. He knows you through and through anyway and He loves you so much. This wonderful fact took me so long to appreciate. I hope you need a lot less time than I needed.
I think you know a little better in your heart that you are not the worthless person you were led to believe you are. I’m happy you liked my analogy with the cakes. I don’t think there is a problem with my logic here. Do you? If so, please let me know. You, and I, believed a lie and we let that lie define who we are. It is time to challenge the lie and expose it and move on. It is time to start enjoying life at a new level!! It is time to put the past to rest. It would be good to get that letter from a trusted friend as well as write yourself a letter. Remember? Here below is a collection of statements I believe to be true about you, after all the writing we have done. Here you are:
You have an innate inner strength which has carried you through a difficult childhood.
You are a loyal person. You know how to be a good friend. You have compassion for others.
You love your husband and children, and you have built a beautiful family.
You are physically very attractive.
You know when you have done wrong, and you take responsibility for your actions.
You are well educated and you achieved that yourself.
You are very intelligent.
You can do quality work in your field of choice.
If any of these is not true, I would like you to tell me and then convince me. OK?
Once again, I would like to say that if I were your father, I would be very proud of you.
Next post. I will tell you what I am up to. I’ll get to it!! Hope to hear from you. You have a good day SDN. Stay blessed, OK? Always! Cheers, WP
Hi WP. I just had to save your last post and reread it. Thank you, WP. Infact ‘thank you’ is nothing. I can’t express how grateful I am for having met you here. It must have been 11 last night and L was asleep. I was so tempted to come back here and tell you how much I regretted reachg out to OM. It was eating me up. We are still in contact, WP, but its not the same. I once read that in an emotional affair, it’s not the person you love or miss, but the ‘idea’ of being in love and missing someone. This makes so much of sense. Ok, so one month ago OM and I were so intensely ‘involved’ and one month later the spark isn’t there? That confirms that this whole thing is an illusion. Its just a lie we tell ourselves. It felt so good confessin to you yesterday. I feel like I’m not alone in this journey. Thank you for the kind of feedback you have given me. I appreciate it so much.
OM! Hmmm! Its like he’s not my type anymore. Yes he isn’t. This is all I have to say right now. I really want to know how you are and what’s been happening with you. I anticipate your next response, WP. Stay blessed and take care of yourself, always. SDN
Hi SDN. Thank you for your kind words. I am very happy to have met you here as well! You have made me think and rethink, and put things in order. You have pointed out shortcomings of mine which I needed to confront, this is good. But also to hear your story, and put the pieces together, and see so many parallels between our two histories has been wonderful, really. Real eye openers for me were your accounts of your past, and your reactions, and your feelings. I thought, “Wow, someone else has had the same feelings I have had!” It is one thing to know this in theory, (Yes I have been reading about such things to educate myself) but it is another thing to hear it from someone’s personal experience.
Regarding your contact with OM. You’re right about it’s being an illusion, that “it’s not the person you love or miss, but the ‘idea’ of being in love and missing someone.”
I could have written your last text about your recent call to OM myself. How you felt like an old outdated newspaper because he didn’t contact you. How you loved hearing him say he missed you. How your mood was “elevated” and the joy was there again, because he confirmed that he misses you, wants to contact you, because he is still in “your grip” in the sense that he hasn’t moved on. As soon as a few days go by with no word you get nervous and say to yourself, “Does he really like me, miss me, want to talk to me? No, probably not” and that awful sinking feeling comes over you, right? Does this describe how that goes? That how it was for me. Then you call, and you receive confirmation that yes, he still thinks of you, and likes you and misses you, and your mood starts to fly. elevate again? Sure, SDNm, I do understand, because I have had the same.
But you see, what you and I are really saying, is, “Tell me AGAIN that you like me, that you miss me. I need to hear it AGAIN .” “Tell me AGAIN I’m a valuable person, that I’m worth your time, that I’m an interesting person.” You, and I have given power away to another person to define what we are and who we are. We are asking other people to do it because we are not convinced in ourselves, because we believed the lie as children, and that lie is virtually “imprinted” in our minds.
God has given us Himself first, then our spouse, then our immediate families, then our close friends to provide the verbal and physical interaction that we need. In these God-given interactions, there is none of the secrecy and guilt so prevalent in the interactions within an EA.
Anyway, of course the best thing you can do in the long run is to maintain NC, I was wondering, does L know that you still have contact with OM? What about OM’s wife? I just hope this doesn’t come crashing down around you again. These things have a way of coming to the surface, sooner or later they come to the light. Best to steer clear, don’t you think? Otherwise you will go through the elevated mood, then the regret, and the guilt. It ‘s so exhausting. How long can you keep up this contact anyway??
Isn’t it a wonderful thing to confess to someone you trust, something you know is wrong and get that weight off your chest? I was nervous to tell you that I found myself wanting to do what the author of the website “I can’t stop cheating on my husband” was doing. I did not like this in myself at ALL. But I felt that I should tell you this, and avoid the tendency to “leave out some of the truth.” I too still feel the pull of the EA. It’s getting less, but it’s still there. As we both know, it is a process. But telling you this bad part of me has lessened it’s power! It is now far less than it was! This is great!!
Best to spend time with God in His Word, to concentrate on L and the children, to keep yourself occupied with reaching out to friends, applying for jobs, enjoying your hobbies and maintaining NC. Here is a text of yours, ” I feel comfortable and safe now but I will continue to pray. It was good speaking to OM and finding out that he was well. His voice was very different though. I felt as tho he was a bit bitter about what happened. He expressed his care and feelings for me STILL, but I kept quiet. I had nothing more to say to him. It IS over because I CHOOSE it to be. Never again will I go down this road with him or anyone. It’s never worth L or my kids and definitely not worth my peace of mind and happiness. I am happy I made that final call. It just closed off my biggest fears and ended this EA once and for all.”
I hope to hear what you think about this text SDN. I guess I need to wait until my next text to tell you how I am, what I’m up to. I will have some time tomorrow. I’ll get to it. Take care of yourself SDN. Stay blessed, OK? Always !! WP
Hi WP. Thank you for your response. Sigh! Today was such a struggle with my 5 year old. She is ever so defiant and I am ever so intolerant. I am truly battling with her. There is definitely a distinct problem. I am afraid to say it but it is true. She is such a lovely child otherwise, very very smart and funny but her behavior at times is really bad. I am emotionally exhausted.
I read your post above and I wonder if you really exist:) It is truly as though God intervenes and speaks to me through you. Everything you say is always of the utmost quality. I am ever so grateful for your words. You are absolutely right, WP. I just wanted a reassurance on my worth. Put bluntly. This morn OM sent a morning text and I ignored it feeling nothing. Why? Because I got the answer 2 days ago, he STILL wants me and thinks I am amazing. WP, you couldn’t have constructed your post any clearer than you have. It all boils down to my low self esteem. I wish so bad that I didn’t have this insecurity. Irrespective of the source, I wish it would just go away. I don’t want to be like this. Seems as though its going to be an ever battle for me. I don’t want to sin. I want to be a confident woman who is close to God. That is ALL I want. W, my post that you quoted above, thank you for reminding me of how I felt at that time. Something big is happening in my life, WP. I am learning to appreciate L and I am going through havoc with my daughter. I am being tested, ripped apart, I am being pushed so hard, I am being tempted as well. When will it all stop, WP? I love my family SO much. I don’t want this EA. Its disgraceful. Its a sin. No, L does not know I was conversing with OM. I don’t like OM that much, I don’t know why. I enquire about things at home with him, he has such huge problems with his wife. OM reminds me of my dad. Seems like an attractive deal until you witness things behind closed doors. He is somewhat immature.
Its about 10 am and I am exhausted. I feel bad about my daughter’s behavior and the fact that I am weak and intolerant. But she IS the height of defiance! Oh, well I am going to rest a while. You take care, WP, and of course stay blessed, always. May everything good come your way. SDN
Hi SDN. My response to your text from today: Oh yes!! I DO exist!! And I use the name “Work in Progress” because that is what I am! Low self esteem is a terrible thing, we both know this. Coming out of it is a process, and it IS possible to do it. Thank you so much again for your kind words, they mean so much to me. I urge you to write that letter to yourself. Have a close trusted friend do the same for you. You may be surprised at what comes out!
Again, I could have written a big part of your last text myself. About wanting to be confident, self-secure person who is close to God. I wish I didn’t have this insecurity too. I CAN say it is a lot better than it was before!! (But I have had more time, so don’t feel bad.) I definitely do NOT want to sin. I really DO NOT! Same as for you, SDN. This is why confessions are difficult.
I find that my self esteem has been helped little by little over the years through my relation with R. Now 36 years, through reading the Bible and replacing the lie in my head with the truth in there and through investing my time and energy in relationships. The nice things that people have written in birthday cards, emails from colleagues, conversations with friends have been a real help, and yes, also the EA partners. The truth of Scripture is an extremely secure peace which grows with time. We need to spend time in the Bible and learn these promises, and make them our own. We need to spend time with other believing Christians and allow them to help us. R’s contribution has grown over time as well. Conversations, cards, emails are an added “bonus.” ONLY with the EA partners, was there this intense “high, elevated mood” and intensity, that, if we are really honest, does not feel quite right. It is just a little “off.” BUT it is intense and invigorating! But you know this of course.
Strange that for some reason, the interaction in an EA is the most intense, and is the only one which “feels off” and drives us to be secretive about it. This is because EA’s are outside God’s intention for us.
Perhaps you need to involve L a lot more. Does he know your family history? Have you told him about your father? If not, you really should. Tell him what you need and tell him what you want. Tell him you do not want an EA. (I think I wrote this in an earlier text?) Tell him that you need his love and affirmation. Tell him, involve him!! And, last but not least, please do not contact OM any more. This will hurt you SDN (and it is very hurtful to him, he cannot have you, and he’s having big problems with his wife. This MUST be difficult.) Added contact will only prolong the difficulty of letting go, which, sooner or later, MUST HAPPEN. AND you really do not want L to learn that you are still in contact do you? I know it is hard, believe me. But we both know that NC is best. Delete his work number and make it impossible to contact him. Tell him farewell in a letter or text. I know it’s hard. I remember the struggle I had to delete my FB page but I am SO GLAD I did!!
With your daughter, perhaps talk to other mothers? Involve L here too? You two need to work more as a team. We talked about that before. Anyway, if you can read Scripture, reach out to people, involve L more, keep applying for jobs, and seek advice for your daughter. All these activities are needed and will distract you from needing to contact OM.
Well, I wrote these lines earlier today before seeing your last text. Here some observations I have from your texts. You said, “My dad has this complex. It’s so ridiculous!!! He has this thing against fair skinned woman/girls. I am fair skinned like my mum. My sisters are darker. I was always considered the attractive one. He hated me. What I find hard to understand is the fact that your dad “has this thing against fair skinned women/girls” but he married your fair skinned mother. I guess I’m missing something. “I was always considered the attractive one”. Do you mean by your sisters and mother only? Or by your dad as well? Seems that here is a lot going on here which has nothing to do with YOU. Perhaps the abuse took place expressly BECAUSE you are the attractive one, and you HAVE succeeded. I infer from your comments that your sisters did not succeed in the same way that you did? Perhaps your dad feels women shouldn’t “succeed” but be “kept small” so that the men feel better about themselves? Or perhaps there is another, “more frightening reason?” I don’t know. I do know that you can be proud of yourself and what you have achieved. I do know that you can come out of this healthy and whole. I guess you have a good relationship with your mother? Has she supported you, encouraged you, affirmed you? You have never mentioned her really.
More recently you said, “I doubt my dad feels anything for me today. He has often stated to my mum that he feels bad because financially I haven’t received as much from him as my sisters did.” “He would take us all out for an outing.” These statements tell me that at least he likely does care for you. Why all the abuse then? My only answer is that it is known that parents tend to do the same things to their children that they experienced when they themselves were small. This sounds crazy, but this is a known tendency. Why you and not your sisters? Hard for me to say. I DO know that if your father really “hated” you, he would NEVER feel bad about not helping you as much as he did your sisters. He would not include you in the outings to buy goodies. These things would never cross his mind!! Just some things to think about.
The only reason I bring these things up is to get you to challenge what you and I have believed all these years, and to get beyond the past, to BREAK the power of EA’s!! I do know that R is my God given exclusive source of physical intimacy and main source of affirmation and companionship. I want to feel better about myself so I can be a better husband for her. If I step outside my primary relationship with R, I know that “EA trouble” is lurking in the shadows, and that, sooner or later, “EA trouble” will find me. I also know that “EA trouble” has no power over me as long as I stay inside the fences God has set in place. This I have learned, SDN. (I knew this before but I had to learn it again. Crazy really.)
Well, another long text, SDN. I know you can come out of this quicksand called “low self esteem.” You CAN! Others have done it, and so can you. You do not have to let your past become your future.
If OK for you, I would like to see your letter to yourself. You already have the statements I have written. Are they all true in your mind? I would be interested in your reply, SDN. Reach out, share yourself more with L, seek help for your daughter, read the Bible and pray. “Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.” Give yourself away to others, SDN. There are many who need what you have to give.
You have a good day and stay blessed SDN! Always!! Cheers,WP
Hi WP. I hope you are well. The purpose of the post is to relay that I am busy this weekend. I have just arrived from this spiritual enlightenment and awakening seminar. It was mind blowing and phenomenal. Its spiritual sessions that are not confined to any religion. Its associated with the Ones University. Its international. Very interesting. I have been persuaded into attending and wow was it remarkable. Tomorrow will be the 2nd day of the seminar. These sessions have broaden my wisdom about life and why certain things happen. Whilst listening and practicing today, I have thought of everything you have ever told me and everything correlated so beautifully. You are not a coincidence, neither is my attendance at this seminar. I have read your post and I want to reply at length also with my letter that you urge me to write which I WILL. So WP, please await my response possibly Monday evening or Tuesday morning. Until then please take care of yourself and stay blessed, always WP. SDN
Hi SDN!…Ahhh nice to hear that you are occupying yourself with new things. This is good for you :) I think you mean “Oneness University?” I don’t know the Oneness University, but I would be very interested to hear about the things you have learned, and how they correlate to the things we have talked about. Of course you are not a coincidence either SDN. Maybe in your next post?
Well, SDN, How am I and what am I up to these days? I have been basically “on hold” after my work stopped at the end of January. I have been spending a lot of time on your texts, and also on the internet researching these questions and thinking about my own history since yours and mine are so alike. You have caused me to go back too, to things I have not thought about for quite some time. But that’s OK; It’s good really. R and I will go to visit my mother and father in the US this coming May 16 – 24. The last time I saw my family was in September of 2012. I’m a little nervous about this visit, but it is something I very much want to do. I really don’t want a confrontation, but I don’t know what is waiting for me.
I am spending more time with my own children and their families; this is very special for me. I am the “family photographer” so I work on family photos, as well as on my own work (architecture, street photos and nature/landscapes). I built my own website a little while back and I am adding more to it now. I like to get out on my bicycle; I am starting up self defense (Krav Maga) training following several years of judo when I was in school; I am a member of a shooting organization here, and also of a photo club. I need to be around people; my friends are important to me.
I do miss OWW sometimes, but I think that is settling down to a much better arrangement. It is good that I am not calling her so much, the pull is far less and I love the absence of “EA stress and guilt.” I am concentrating my attention on R. We visit friends, we go on little outings, we spend time with the children; I know I need to spend time in the Word of God as well.
I guess this is a good “snapshot” of where I am right now. It is easier for me to be by myself and I am able to step back from my “dark years” more and more and detach myself from them. Sometimes I slip back as I mentioned before. I have learned so much from talking with you and really trying to understand EA’s and recognize them and get beyond them. I am taking nothing for granted though. EA’s remain tricky, and I still feel the “pull.” I’m not saying I’m all the way there yet! But I’m not giving up!!
Winter is starting in South Africa? I like winter too. I have always liked snow. You were born the last day of winter? That would be 21 September, in S. Africa, right? I will write on “international living” as soon as I can – I haven’t forgotten about that! What are your hobbies SDN? Perhaps you don’t have too much time with two small children. Are you still working on job applications? I look forward to your letter!!
Well SDN…. I wish you a good day, and I look forward to your response when you have some time, as you said, Monday or Tuesday morning. I will pray for you, for your L and for your children. Please take care of yourself, and know that you are blessed. Now and always, God has a special place for you in His heart SDN. He has His eye on you you know – never to judge or criticize…only to care for and to bless..and to bring you to Himself. The Bible tells us this in Psalm 121, Psalm 91, Psalm 34, John 3:16, John Chapter 6, John Chapter 8, Ephesians Chapter 2 and 5…of course there is far more :) Cheers, WP
Hi WP, I am really sorry for the slight delay, this would be my 3rd attempt in typing a message to you without being distracted. This weekend has been transforming for me. My mind has cleared. I feel closer to God and I am almost rid of my EA! Ok maybe RID completely because I am no longer attracted to this EA I once had and I wonder if this means ANY prospect of an EA ever. Only time will tell. Before I go on, here is my letter to myself:
I am a unique individual. My uniqueness started with the giving of my name from a baby. I have a very unique name and I love it. I have good morals and strong values which I try to maintain. I was born with an innovative intelligence and the gift of perception which helps me understand people. I am humble and I always make people feel good about themselves. I don’t make people feel inferior to me. I am kindhearted and I Love intensely. I am sincere and too sincere for this world. I am considered attractive. I am well spoken and I have educated myself well. I love my family. I honor and care for my parents. I try to be a better mum and when I fail in any way I get upset. My children comes 1st always. I try to be a loyal wife, I try to make things work always. I am open minded and I have the capacity to embrace many spiritual literatures and beliefs. I am ME…
So WP, what do u think? I should be happy with ME. But alas things hold me back. U are visiting your family in a few weeks. Wow. I can imagine your nervousness. I think u should embrace the experience and keep a positive attitude towards your meeting until u do. Then let all your thoughts, actions and words towards your family be constituted of LOVE. U will never go wrong. God is guiding you. May I ask what your worries are about your visit. WOW a photographer. I believe there is a bit of photography in us all (ha ha ha). I think I am good at it. One has to have an eye for detail and see things in a beautiful artistic way.
I hope u are doing well otherwise WP. My hobbies- yep not much time NOW. But my passion is dancing; More South Indian village style and classical. Not contemporary. The last day of winter in SA is 31Aug. The Oneness University yes.
Basically we were programmed to think that God is everywhere and within us. We r ONE with God and not separate entities. We were taught the art of prayer and we had to deal with relationships of our own. We had to heal ourselves. All this was done through different exercises. We also meditated and focused a lot on God. During the relationship segment, we had to forgive our parents and also ask for forgiveness, this is where I thought a lot about what u had helped me deal with the hurt of my dad and I had to surface a lot of things that happened to me in the past which u and I had discussed. Its like our convos was a build up to this healing. It helped me. We also learnt that all God is one.
It was a healing and clearing process. I needed this so much WP. The laws of the universe also helped me understand life a bit more. And doing wrong things will only affect me. The Karmic law also played a big role . I realized that all that had happened to me during my childhood moulded me and this has an effect on my relationship with my daughter. She defies me all the time. I have found more peace within myself attending this seminar. I learnt that we attract certain kinds of people into our life. OM2 was attracted to me by myself. The laws of d universe are real. OM2 is as damaged as I am. I needed him for security and to make me feel good about myself.
WP, I hope I have answered all your enquiries. Pls let me knw how u are doing recently. Stay blessed always and have a good day. SDN
Hi SDN! No worries about a delay sometimes. I have had that too, sometimes I start a text, then I’m called away for a while. Your latest text is very interesting… I needed to read through it several times to formulate a reply to each paragraph.
You feel closer to God and you’re more or less over your EA! Both developments are wonderful! Re. the prospect of an EA… I think you and I both have to especially beware of EA’s in general because of where we’ve come from. It takes prayer, persistence, trust in God’s promises and time to realize for ourselves who we really are in His sight. When I read all the stories of how Jesus treated people, how He cared for them… He healed them… was called the friend of sinners… loved kids… etc,etc. …then the horrors of the crucifixion. He knew what He was facing beforehand, and even healed one of the soldiers who took Him into custody… and asked His Father to forgive those Who put Him there… (He could have stopped the process at any time). I’m at a loss for words. When I fathom His love for you and for me, and He paid for OUR wrongs and took OUR sin on Himself- then EA’s have no power at all. It’s easy to slip, and the “pull” can “rear it’s ugly head”… this is one of the things I liked about Tamar Laroux, her video… her comments near the end of her talk, about how she had to take responsibility for her own progress. Yes, Only time will tell.. and also your own resolve. But you have come far SDN… really!!
I REALLY liked your letter! It describes a very sensitive, but strong individual. Yes… If this person were my daughter, I would be very proud of her. Names are very important, and have significant meaning, something Europeans and Americans tend to forget… Interesting comment of yours. “I have good morals and strong values, which I try to maintain… a very honest statement. “Innovative intelligence”, and “gift of perception” Yesss, I can agree with these. All your statements ring true for me. This letter has been well thought out, probably reworded a few times, and finely tuned. It’s very good really. You say “I am humble” which can be a statement of “false pride,” but I don’t see false pride with you. Elsewhere you say “I am considered attractive” rather than “I am attractive.” You say several times, “I try to be a better mum, I try to be a loyal wife, I TRY…” rather than saying that you accomplish all these things. All these taken together tell me you’re not a prideful person who places herself above other people. There is just one statement in there, which you have said in an earlier text, which I wonder about. You said, “My children come first always.” My immediate reply is, “What is your husband’s place then?” At one level, our children do come first in the sense of their protection, safety, and well being… but I interpret your statement to mean that the children in general take priority over your husband. I was doing the same thing without realizing it several years ago, (to stop the generational progression) until a good friend pointed this out. I made some adjustments (my wife should take general priority over the children, and she felt justifiably neglected) and things regained their proper balance. That did not get fixed overnight.
Your other statement at the very end is also intriguing, “I am open minded… I embrace many spiritual models and beliefs…” My reaction here is, “Does this mean you agree with all the tenants of “many spiritual models and beliefs?” My reason for asking is, What do you do when they don’t agree? How do you resolve a disagreement? I especially like what you say at the end, “I am ME.” THIS ending I liked very much! Your letter describes a confident but not prideful person who recognizes her limitations, and failings, yet loves and cares very much. Dance is a wonderful past time! I’ve never seen “South Indian village style” but classical … Ahh very nice! Wow…!! (My daughter is getting into Zumba dance….) Yes, photography requires patience and an eye for detail, very true. I think you WOULD be good at it. Do you have a camera? or do you use a smartphone camera?
Yes, you SHOULD be happy with YOU. You CAN be happy with YOU. Yes there are some things holding you back, we have talked about many of these things and have hopefully put at least some of them to rest. You have come so far SDN… truly remarkable. God is guiding you too!! I can see this. I found your last three paragraphs interesting as well… the prominent place of forgiveness, prayer and how we’re moulded by and through our childhoods- and that healing is possible and emphasized.
I am busy these days with the children, and looking for a new job and direction… the weather is warming up (It’s spring here) so I have work to do in the yard now, as the days are getting longer. I spoke to OWW today after 2 weeks… she texted me to say she just broke up with her boyfriend, I think now for good, so I called her (R was not there so I felt guilty but I was REALLY wondering how she was). I kept talking until I was back at the house with R, so R could hear our conversation. Later I gave the phone to R so she and R could talk as well, so I think it was all right. R asked me if I had called OWW before when she was not around, I could truthfully say, “No I had not.” SO this policy is working pretty well. R is part of things now, “OWW” is becoming far more a family friend instead of an “EA partner.” We talk maybe once every 10 days now or so. SO far so good. I think it will become more seldom now; OWW seems to be doing pretty well.
I really liked your letter. I appreciate your open minded viewpoint. I think there is much to be learned from all religions. There are some basic disagreements though. I would like to hear from you further on this. Have a care with EA’s!! I’m talking to myself here too. :)) Take nothing for granted!! Take care SDN…… WP
Hi SDN, I know I have not answered all your questions, but I will get to these later. Your seminar sounds very interesting… I would like to hear more, if OK with you. God is looking after you SDN…As you say so often…stay blessed, always. WP
Hi WP. I am glad you found my post interesting. I will most certainly tell you more about this seminar, perhaps you can also go if there is something similar in your location. I am surprised WP. You and OWW have conversed once again. I thought that her BF broke up with her initially. And now you say she broke up with him. Some instability wouldn’t you say? Makes sense though. You did say she had problems with her dad. She attracted this type of man in her life. He probably is also very insecure and somehow damaged. Isn’t it sad that damaged people always reach out to others and create damaged relations. It is true. I know you will disagree here somehow and I also know why. WP have you ever noticed how we will long from a text or whatever from the OW/OM and it will never happen but when we least expect it, it will happen?? If this is true, I am guessing that really OWW was on her way out of your mind and she unexpectedly texted you. OWW should not be a family friend. You have an attraction to her WP. And I guarantee that she gets comfort from you. How do you know for sure that she doesn’t see you as something more than a father-figure? You will never know. Women have the tendency to camouflage these things and yes as we have established even YOU have a way of doing this. I think you know how much R loves you and she probably forces herself to accept the situation with OWW because she LOVES you unconditionally. OWW is a threat. You cant deny this. Think about it. It’s about time she moves out of your mind and out of your life for good. We all want to help people with their problems. WHO HELPS US???? I read your post and I just see through it. Why would OWW text you? Why after weeks and why only once she has discarded her relationship with her troubled bf? Its good to help people WP, but not at the detriment of your sanity, your peace of mind and your relationship with R. And I know the type of person you are. You are gentle, kind and compassionate. You are a helper. Think about this WP, I need to go right now. Will respond again asap. Need to say a lot more especially answer your enquires above. Stay blessed always WP.
Hi SDN,
Yes, I WAS a little surprised OWW texted me. When she said she broke up with her boyfriend, I knew it was more permanent, she had never wanted to take that step before. Yes, very unstable, she has known this for some time. Her dad left the family when she was very young. And yes her boyfriend has “broken up with her” more than once in the past. You say, “You did say she had problems with her dad. She attracted this type of man in her life. He probably is also very insecure and somehow damaged. Isn’t it sad that damaged people always reach out to others and create damaged relations. It is true. I know you will disagree here somehow and I also know why.” Well actually, no, I don’t disagree with you here. It is true that the boyfriend “has issues.” I have never met him, but I have heard enough about him. Ah well. She did say in that recent phone call, “I do miss having somebody who is with me, but I do not miss HIM.” That tells me that this time the break is probably for good.
I must say that the rest of your text is exactly right SDN. I was really not expecting a text from OWW at all, so when it came I was surprised. She WAS on her way out of my mind, very true. I think you are also right when you say she should not be a family friend. I do have an attraction for her. I guess she gets comfort from me, otherwise why would she text? You’re right SDN. Maybe she does see me as something else other than a father figure, but that would surprise me somewhat. You’re right about R. OWW is certainly not neutral, and therefore a threat. I think that is true. Yes. You’re right. You are very perceptive SDN!!
Also good point of yours, yes I don’t like to see people in trouble, but I do have to draw a line somewhere. I know this, but I’m not very good at doing it. Part of my problem with drawing lines comes from my experience with broken promises. People make commitments, they may mean well, but they are gone sooner or later. I don’t want to follow that same path, but sadly, I have done the same. (I’m thinking of the online EA’s) and I don’t like this at all. This hurts. Anyway, your most recent text was confirming things I basically knew, but was pushing to the background. Now when you spell it all out, It’s far more obvious.
Yes I would be interested in your replies to my enquiries. Yes, I would like to hear more about your seminar. I think you are now having much less trouble with missing OM?
I hope you are well and that you are enjoying the beginning winter days. You have a good day, and always stay blessed! Thank you for this most recent text. Cheers, WP
Hi WP. I’m so glad you responded. I was abit nervous as I thought u may have took my last post as me being brutally blunt.
I am also glad u agreed with most of my sentiments. I need to correct something I said- I said , isn’t it sad that damaged people reach out to others and create more damaged relationships. What I meant was isn’t it sad that damaged people reach out to other DAMAGED people and create more damaged relationships. Like OM is damaged and so am I, hence damaged relation. And sinful one tOo!
The seminar I attended is called Spiritual enlightenment and awakening. It is a process. It is based on the teachings of the Oneness University and only a few people are skilled to do the seminar and teach the exercises as well as other energy transfer practices. Everything is based on God. And we learn that God is ONE with us. The most interestg part for me was the art of prayer. We must be specific when praying, we must pray with pure passion for what we ask for, we must feel the joy of having what we ask for as if God has already answered our prayer and then we must thank God for gracing us with answered prayers. We should keep a prayer journal so that we actually see and believe that no prayer ever goes unanswered. It was a beautiful two days spent on focusing on God. Meditating and praying. The exercises were also amazing. We listened to beautiful music when we meditated. It was very calming and life-changing. My focus was away from my insecurities and EAs. It made the concept of an EA sEem so low and stupid and IT IS. Its an illusion. God is all we need. We just need to know how to reach out and invite God into our lives.
WP, u asked me an amazing Q the other day, how do I reconcile the convictions of different beliefs when they differ. Well, I try not to place too much emphasis on the differences and there are A LOT of differences WP. Too many to mention. I just believe in a Higher Power. I don’t place too much thought on for instance Idols. I know the Bible resents Idols. This differs in Hinduism. Sometimes I reject both beliefs if it won’t tamper with my way of life and living. God understands me. Why must I dwell in questioning this belief and that belief. Every religion is true in the eyes of God and is only an instrument to take us to God and keep us with Him. To keep us Godly. WP, I do observe the differences but it doesn’t bother me much. I embrace all beliefs equally. I love my interpretation.
As for OM, he is still in cntact with me but I text back in response most of the time. Things have changed. The rose tinted glasses are off. This EA will dissipate on its own without any real efforts. I am far to busy appying for jobs and getting responses too. I am positive things will change for me very soon so I don’t see OM as a threat to my mental health as I am on d right track. Its just an illusion. He is an illusion. ‘Chatting’ creates illusions. OM proved this to me. Yes we converse with caution and yes its still wrong.
I hope u r doing well WP. I anticipate a response soon. Take care of yourself WP and stay blessed always. SDN
Hi SDN, I thought your next to last post was very straightforward… the word “blunt” has a negative side to it which doesn’t apply here, let’s better say “concise and to the point.” and also well worded and true. I take no offense at all! (But you see that of course). Very true what you say about damaged people reaching out to other damaged people, creating damaged relationships. Sad, but true. The wonderful thing though, is that we CAN find healing…. and we CAN get beyond the emotional roller coaster. Healing is there, as we both know. You have come far SDN! Your recent texts also feel like your self esteem is not quite so low… You sound more free and confident in your most recent text…. You are busy applying for jobs, you are occupied with the children…there is little room now for the EA’s lure. This is good! You do not mention L….. I hope you two are alright……
I like your comments about the seminar you attended, and especially your comments about prayer. Your comments are very close to what the Bible says about prayer… The Bible tells us to “pray without ceasing. in everything give thanks, for this is the will of God for you in Christ Jesus.” (in 1 Thessalonians 5), “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which passes all understanding, will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus.” (in Philippians 4). “This is the confidence that we have before Him, that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us, and if we know that He hears us in whatever we ask we know that we have the requests which we have asked from Him.” (in 1 John 5). Of course there is far more about prayer in the Bible….. fascinating really. Prayer journals are a very good idea….. It’s something I have never done, but I can remember prayers which have been answered almost immediately, and some which have taken months, and sometimes years for clear answers to come through. Many are not finished yet…..but that’s OK.
The reason I am asking about how you reconcile differences in various belief “systems” is because, while they all have some elements of “truth” (respect for God, being kind to people, being thankful, not prideful, etc) as you say, there ARE multiple disagreements among them. I can understand you when you say, “Why must I dwell in questioning this belief and that belief. Every religion is true in the eyes of God and is only an instrument to take us to God and keep us with Him. To keep us Godly. WP, I do observe the differences but it doesn’t bother me much.” The reason I think that differences DO matter is because of the question, “What if the belief system for which we decide, is wrong?” I remember my close calls, the bad car accident, the bad illness when I was very young, where I was close to death… when I thought, “This is IT!” and when a doctor told me “You have 2-3 months to live”….I wondered “What is the REAL truth?? ” This was not an idle question of academic interest…. I REALLY wanted to KNOW!
God tells us in His Word, in Jeremiah 29, “You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart.” I did not know it then, but I know this now, that God was drawing me to Himself, just as He is drawing you to Himself. I was confronted with the claim of Jesus to be the “Son of God.” I was also confronted with the fact that no other “religious leader” such as Mohammed, Buddha, etc. has ever made such a claim let alone actually demonstrated it. After years of researching this, with prayers, conversations, struggling…. I have concluded that this claim IS true. As you say, the differences between belief systems do not matter. But our personal position regarding the claim of Jesus defines our place after we leave this earth, and defines our well-being while we are still here.
The Bible tells us, “God so loved the world, that He gave His only Son, so that whoever believes in Him should not perish, but have eternal life” (in John 3 v16). “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me.” (in John 14 v6) “If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, then you shall be saved.” (in Romans 10 v9) “For by grace you have been saved, and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God, not as a result of (good) works, so that no one can boast.” (in Ephesians 2 v8,9)
Tamar Laroux stated in her video, “Acknowledge that life is about Jesus Christ. Eternity is real. Hell is real and heaven is real.” Wow..!!
Here is her site again> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGQDkCi-OIY
Here are some other sites which you may find very interesting>
http://www.bibleprobe.com/backfromthedead.htm
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TJUh-Jeqfrg
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r7OYRknGgEc
I hope to hear from you soon SDN, I look forward very much to your comments on these things…. and on a lighter note, I’m happy you are getting responses to your job applications! Are you applying for a position in a law office? You comments about OM are very encouraging…. “yes we converse with caution, and yes it’s still wrong.” Very well said. I should also apply that comment to me and OWW. Good point. Please be on your guard SDN… as I must be on my guard… We have both gained a lot of ground, let’s not give it up!!
I also look forward to your replies to my inquiries… and to hearing how you are doing in general. Please take care of yourself!! God is looking after you… Stay blessed for now and for always, WP
Hi SDN! This text follows my last text of April 23, 2016 at 8.20 am. I woke up this morning and thought of several Bible parallels to what you have written in your last text. You said once that you like it when I quote Scripture, that you feel it is especially for YOU. Well, here you are:
“Everything is based on God.” Yes the Bible says the same. Colossians 1 v16 “For by Jim all things were created, both in the heavens and on the earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities– all things have been created through Him and for Him.”
“And we learn that God is ONE with us.” Here the Bible is very close. Genesis 1 v27 ” God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created Him; male and female He created them.
Psalm 139 v3: “You scrutinize my path and my lying down and are intimately acquainted with all my ways.” v5 “You have enclosed me behind and before, and laid your hand upon me.” This whole Psalm speaks of God’s being very close to us, as close as a fish is to the water in which it swims.
“Every religion is true in the eyes of God and is only an instrument to take us to God and keep us with Him.” Actually, God went MUCH FARTHER than this to bring us to Himself. Instead of presenting us with “religions” …. He came here Himself, in the form of a Man, to teach us, to die for us, and thereby become THE way to God for us: Colossians 1:15 ” He (Jesus) is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation.” (we were created, He, Jesus, was conceived and BORN.) We can appreciate this vast difference when we look at a creation (like a doll made in the likeness of a specific person) versus the actual living person.
John 12 v32 “And I, if I am lifted up from the earth, will draw all men to Myself. Here He is saying that if He is “lifted up from the earth” (i.e. crucified, lifted up on the Cross), then He will draw all men to Himself. I have always found it interesting that the first person to admit that Jesus is the Son of God, is the Roman soldier who was standing in front of Him…. Mark 15. v39, “When the centurion, who was standing right in front of Him, saw the way He breathed His last, he said, “Truly this man was the Son of God!”
Well, SDN…. I hope you are well…. I hope to hear from you soon. You have a nice day… and may God bless you, and L and the children, and surround you all with His care…and may you stay blessed always…WP
Hi WP. A very warm thank you for your recent posts. More especially the Biblical quotes you so selflessly shared. Thank you for the efforts. I must say you are certainly a very thoughtful person. I hope you go a long way for all the kindness you spread around you.
WP, with regards the question on the reconciling of belief systems, I established that you pursue to find the authenticity of a religion or should I say system. You believe that your belief system is most true. Your belief system IS undeniably truthful and its an exceptional mode of movement towards God. I would like to place all beliefs on the exact same level and personally I do not seek to find the ‘most’ truthful belief system.
Otherwise WP, how have you been doing recently? I have had an exhausting weekend. I am really occupied with my job applications and yes my mind set has changed drastically. I am just so much more positive right now. I attribute that on the mission I am on- To find a good job. I cant say I am out of this EA saga as yet but right now I do not find it so appealing as I once did. I admit that I am scared of moving into the corporate world. There are so many things that could go wrong. So many temptations. I wish they never existed. It means I have to constantly pray that I do not sin in any way. Do you know what I mean WP? WP, if I am correct, you said you are searching for a job?? Seems like we are on the same boat here. I wish you the very best WP. You deserve so much. You have so much to give. I pray all goes well for you.
WP, I await a response from you. Please forgive me if I failed to satisfy all your enquiries. Stay blessed always. Take care. SDN
Hi SDN! Thank you for this last post from you and your comments, thank you very much. In general I am doing pretty well. Your points regarding OWW are well worded and true. At this point, I am much more distanced from her, although when she comes to mind, the care that I have for her, mixed with the “EA – type attraction” does come back. I have not called her or contacted her after that last phone call I mentioned before and this is good. Still hard sometimes though. What makes it better is your comment, ” I read your post and I just see through it. Why would OWW text you? Why after weeks and why only once she has discarded her relationship with her troubled best friend?” When I am completely honest, I have to admit that yes, I do care for her very much, and do not want to see her in pain or in trouble, but also that this compassion can be,is, WAS an excuse for pursuing contact with her, also because I am attracted to her. I have to steer clear from what I know is wrong. Period. You say that you are not completely out of the EA saga yet. Does this mean the OM contacts you sometimes, and you do respond? We both know how hard it can be to let go, but let go you must. I remember asking myself with the on-line EA’s, “How long can this keep going? It cannot last forever!”
Regarding the corporate world. Yes, there are temptations there to be sure. Yes, I do know what you mean but since you have gone through some of these temptations already, you are more familiar with how it feels, and perhaps therefore better armed to deal with them. You have experienced the outcome, more I don’t need to say. The positive side is that you would be working in a field that you really like, you will be making some extra money, you will be challenged to grow. Yes, you need to pray against these things, but also, there is the “way of escape,” remember? We have talked about that already. If I may say, one way of escape is to concentrate on your primary relationship with L. You have not mentioned him now in a while. I feel, sense that all is not well with you two. But I’m not asking. I’m just observing. The better your primary relationship is, and the better your own self esteem is, the easier it will be to resist the temptations you may run into at work. True for me too.
Speaking of work. Yes, SDN, I am really looking for a job now. I do want to work. but it’s not so easy finding a job which I like. I keep working at it, I’ll get there. I don’t know when, but I will.
You don’t have to ask my forgiveness about my inquiries, no worries. PLease let me know how your job search goes and also how you are doing with OM. You take care of youself, and always stay blessed. WP
Hi WP. I hope you are well. Let me get straight into it: So OM and I have been conversing non stop in these past few days secretly. The emotions we once felt came back and everything almost became ‘normal’ again between us. However at the end of each conversation I felt hopeless and …bad. I would think of L often and how it felt like to be in the situation if he found out again. As much as still want to converse with OM because it feels SO good WP. I can’t . Also, I want to be graced by God and indulging in the same sin over and over again will not help me. So today, I deleted him of the app I used to communicate with him. I felt sad and I hoped he won’t be hurt but it needed to be done. I also thought about the 2weeks I was OM-free and as much as I missed him So so so so much. It was the best thing ever to be OM-free. My mind was clearer. I was focused. I am still v positive about where I wanna be with regards my career but yesterday was the turng point for OM and I as things became normal again and it felt as tho I loved him. I have to remind myseelf that this ‘love’ was the illusion I created on my own bcz its what I lack with L. L does not show me the love that I’d like to be expressed. Yes I recall your post on Love languages so I know I am expectg smethg from L that won’t happen.
You wanted to know about L. L and I are OK. Things are normal however I do feel unloved at times. I try not to think about it but let me mention ONE instance. L does not touch me.. Like not even place his hand on my arm or thigh or whatever, in an affectionate way. He hugs me if I hug him. And that’s it. Do u see WHY I feel so unloved by L. The lack of attention and affection affects me :( I am feeln so down just typing this out. WP, I think I am in danger. Yes, I pushed OM away but soon I will be workin and what if I meet sme1 who gives me the attention I seek. Besides we already established that we attract certain ppl into our lives for a reason. I feel helpless WP.
I await your response to this :( Stay blessed always dear WP.
Dear SDN… I had a feeling about this when you said that “I can’t say I’m out of this EA saga as yet” but I did not think it was quite like this. Now I can appreciate your fears about the corporate world much better. I have GREAT admiration for you in your decision to delete the app with which you communicated with OM. You know that I know how hard that was. I’m thinking of my on-line OWW’s as I write this… and I know what it would be like if I were to start corresponding with them again. You describe it all very well SDN.
Things between you and L do not sound good at all. You are really hurting, and you are in a dangerous position. I recall your saying earlier that you even “hate” OM and in another text, that you “don’t really like him,” and that “he is somewhat immature.” And yet you now say that “it felt as tho I loved him.” Your emotions are anywhere and everywhere, and you are screaming to be loved and validated. This does not make you inadequate, bad, or anything else negative SDN. It just means that some of your basic needs are not being met, and L needs to know this, and the sooner the better. Are you open to the idea of telling him exactly what you have said here? that you are feeling unloved, that you need his touch, his affection, his initiating romantic outings and physical intimacy? that you do not want to fall into another EA, but you are having a more and more difficult time resisting? Is L by his basic nature a rather distant person? and/or is it because he is working very hard, and is too preoccupied with his job?
You say you’re “expecting something from L that won’t happen.” I would add to that by saying, “You (like everyone else- this is God given) have a need for something that only L can provide, and if he doesn’t provide it, the temptation to get it somewhere else is very intense!” OF COURSE I see why you feel unloved by L!” It is because you ARE, as far as YOU are concerned, unloved by L! And yet you have said that you have things with L that other women “would die for!”
I know how hard this is. You need to take action, and sit him down and have a focused talk. He needs to know where you are. You’re right, you ARE in danger. You could ask him, “Why were you so upset when I was texting OM, and yet you don’t touch me, you don’t initiate physical affection! It feels to me like you really don’t care!!” “Is it reasonable to expect me to have eyes only for you, when you are never affectionate with me, you never kiss me, you never hold me?” “How do you think that makes ME feel?” “Do you know what is is like to feel unwanted, unloved?” Believe me… you don’t WANT to know!!” You will know how to best express this of course. Another benefit here is that… IF he finds out about your most recent texting with OM, he cannot say you did not warn him!
Oh, I really feel for you… I can understand you so very well. See what you think about my suggestions above and please let me know how you are…. I will think on these things… You stay blessed… always… This means to stay close to God, seek His help and protection…and take action… you are not helpless!! WP
Hi WP, I know you probably don’t remember a few posts of mine from a year ago, but some things you have said had prompted me to ask you something. I will preface it with a re-introduction. I am a Christian, in my 50s, have been married for 32 years, have three kids in their 20s, three teenagers, and two grand kids. A few years ago I became reacquainted with an old boyfriend, and the sparks came back. I wasn’t expecting to fall into an emotional affair, but it happened. Anyway, my question is this- Is it a fact that people who were sexually abused are more likely to become involved with someone outside of marriage? I ask this because I was sexually abused repeatedly as a child by a member of the family, and am in fact for the first time in a support group at a church for adult victims of sexual abuse. We are going through the book Wounded Heart.
Just curious about your answer because I think you have said something like that when communicating with SDN. Thanks.
Hi Pie Lady! Yes…I remember your name now, it has been quite a while! Your history sounds much like mine and, while I do not know whether it is a FACT that people who were sexually abused are more likely to become involved with someone outside of marriage, I would say it is “highly likely.” What matters more is where YOU are, and whether your abuse as a child has increased the potential for YOU to get involved in an EA. I have the comments here below of a high profile professional (working in the field for 35 years) who was interviewing a celebrity with the same problem of childhood sexual abuse. I wrote down his comments:
“Victim: “I was molested between the ages of 9 and 10 for 2 years. It was awful” His mother: “The police talked with my son. It was a devastating situation.” Victim: He went to prison. It was never really addressed by our family. I never had therapy. This thing happened at school. The school supported him really. That was kind of tough. There was a lot of anger there, and probably a lot of authority issues which began to pop up.” The mother: “I don’t know if my son has gotten therapy for it as an adult. I did not know what to do. I wanted to get him therapy, my husband didn’t want to do that, because that would prolong it and cause more stress so… we didn’t.” Psychologist: “You can’t undo what was done or not done…. but that was an incredibly bad decision! Children that have been violated in that way… it changes who they are. It changes their self worth, their self esteem, their trust level. It changes how they view adults in their life. It makes them react in a variety of ways, but often, we see survivors of molestation be at much higher risk for poor relationships, drug addiction, alcoholism; it leaves scars, and those wounds remain open and festering and contaminate virtually every aspect of who they are.”
These comments are so close to my own story that I played back the conversation and wrote down the words. The only differences to my story are: for me it was between ages 12 and 14, my “encounters” happened at the house of the family member, and that family member was never prosecuted or convicted. Everything else is exactly the same. I will also say that the psychologist’s comments are very true for me. I think you can probably say the same. This is why you are going through the book “Wounded Heart.” This sounds very similar to a book we went through, called “Muren van Mijn Hart” (Dutch translation of “Walls of my Heart”) by Dr. Bruce Thompson. I remember that series of seminars- I cried for a long time after some of those sessions. I could not sit through them, I had to go outside. They were one item in a series of items that I believe God put into place to fix the “broken me.”
For me, the damage was done, not so much by the abuse itself, (that was bad enough) but by how my family handled it (or didn’t handle it really). My father told me, “You could have stopped it.” I never forgot that. I can still remember where I was sitting and how I felt at the time. My emotions shut down for more than 30 years. I spoke of this to no one for at least that length of time. I never had therapy or counseling beyond the seminar series “Walls of my Heart.” I could not talk about it let alone think about it… the pain level was too high. I think you understand what I mean. Writing about it as I do now was not possible for a long time earlier.
I think ONE reason people get into EA’s because they are crying out for someone to validate them, to help them feel better about themselves, to close the “festering wounds,” to take away the pain that is always there… but in the background. Even now I feel myself getting just a little emotional, a little “teary” as I write this. Pie Lady, this was 50 years ago!! Doesn’t that tell you something??
After all this time, I can say that the one single factor that helped me was receiving the love of Christ for me personally. This took a long time and was anything but easy. “Receiving the love of Christ” means to believe / realize that He loves YOU… as an individual person…. YOU- “Pie Lady” That Psalm 91 and Psalm 139 are true for YOU, “Pie Lady.” That He went through the horrors of the crucifixion for YOU, “Pie Lady” as an individual. That He cares for YOU, for “Pie Lady” and that your real worth and value as a person are defined and demonstrated by HIM, the Christ, the Son of the Living God!.. This took me a LONG time to get into my heart as well as into my head.
God works with each person as an individual. Why it has taken so long, I don’t know. For some people it’s longer, for others shorter… only God knows those details. I DO know that we can trust Him.
The more that you can receive for yourself this most wonderful of revelations, the easier it is to resist the lure of an extramarital affair. Yes God works through people; yes, He provides for our needs through many channels- spouse, family, friends, contacts….. even strangers…. yes we live by faith and not by sight…and yes we have our “wilderness times” when God seems far away, and we feel ever so lonely.
Here are a few websites which have meant a lot to me:
This girl’s comments I can understand VERY well:
http://www.salon.com/2014/08/03/why_i_cant_stop_cheating_on_my_husband_partner/
This video spoke volumes to me of the love of God the Father: (The emphasis by the author is on not giving up… but for me it was the actions of the runner’s father that even now bring me to tears.)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rCAwXb9n7EY
This last video speaks volumes of the love of the God the Father and of Christ the Son in a different way:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGQDkCi-OIY
One day, I believe God gave me the following: I don’t know what a vision is, but this was a vivid moving “video clip” in my mind. I was standing alone in the deep woods (I have always liked the forest) directly under a large waterfall. The cold water was cascading down on my head in unending streams. I was standing barefoot on a rock under the falls. I had no shirt on. The water was washing me clean, it was taking away the shame and the guilt and other “horribles” with which you already familiar, I’m sure. I described this to a friend a few months ago. This special friend later gave me a drawing made on a tablet…… which I have on my computer. The one difference between my “video clip” and the drawing was the presence of a rainbow over my head in the drawing. She said that this is what God impressed on her to include as she was completing the drawing. I look at it from time to time… writing this now also brings a few tears…. but that’s OK.
Well, Pie Lady, I hope these comments are of help to you. I pray that you stay close to God, and allow Him to reach the deep places of your heart which may well still need attention. I hope you return to this site. You take care of yourself…..and always walk in God’s blessings… and in His care…..
WP (Work in Progress)
Hi SDN, I re-read my text of April 30, 2016 at 2:54 pm just now and I realize there is a second part, which has to be added. While the above is, I believe, valid; it is also incomplete. I am adding to that text of April 27, 2016 at 12:29 pm here below (should read April 30, 2016 at 2:54 am) …If you have written a reply in the meantime, please read that text first, and then this, OK?
The second part needing mention is your own self-esteem. Even if L WERE to be an affectionate and attentive person, and meeting your needs as described above, it is possible that you would not be able to receive his attention and affection because of the filters which may still be in place in your mind… because of low self esteem. I know what this is… I had problems with it for some years. This can take the form of “self talk” – the conversations we all have in your heads which goes on continually, most of the time without our being concious of it. What do you say to yourself when L is distant? What do you say to yourself when he is affectionate, or when he hugs you only after you take intiative and hug him? The letter you wrote to yourself needs atention…. and you need to add to it. I really liked that letter! Think on its contents, add to it, expand it with more description of the person you are…. to alter your self talk from negative to positive. Put in positive things you KNOW are true about you. Perhaps you need to give to yourself, what should have been given to you when you were young.
You have every reason to have a very positive opinion of yourself. What I have observed with you is the following:
– You are loyal to your spouse. (Yes you ARE!)
– You love your children.
– You are very intelligent / perceptive.
– You write very well.
– I think you are very likely an attractive person, you draw people to yourself.
– You are easy to like I think… People like to be around you.
– I think you can easily start and continue good conversations.
– You probably make friends reasonably easily.
– You admit your faults.
– You do not think that you are better than other people.
– You have weathered some “heavy storms” very well.
– You are not vindictive.
– You care.
I think all of these are true about you. I think it is hard for you to argue successfully against these statements. I hope to hear from you… I hope and pray you are well. Stay close to God… stay blessed, and in His care… always!! WP
Hi Pie Lady and SDN,
The texts above are not in consecutive order above….
SDN, please see my answers above: April 27, 2016 at 12:29 pm and April 29, 2016 at 2:54 pm.
Pie Lady, my answer for you (April 30, 2016 at 12:29 am) is in between these two above:
Take care!! Please stay blessed always… WP
This article is helpful to put some things straight in my head. We are now eight months after the emotional affair my wife had, mostly ended. I say mostly because she had promised to tell me if she had any contact and for the last 3 months there hasn’t been, but today she told me she replied to a post on social media and told me she got a general invite to an event of his that she believed was sent to all contacts. Her reply was just have a good event but this information brought back all the feelings of the infidelity. I want her to break all contact with him and have expressed that is my wish but she hasn’t completely. She hasn’t talked to him on the phone in 8 months but has emailed some of which I read after she left her account logged on (I’m not proud I snooped). The emails I read, I was not happy about and we talked about them in counseling. Where I’m at now is, is there a way to say I need her to stop all contact with this guy without this ending my marriage. I just don’t know how to let this contact continue. Any advise on how I can move forward and hope she wants to end the contact on her own?
Hi Bs, Having gone through this before, first let me say I am very sorry you have had to go through this. I was the husband with the EA’s (online) I’m sorry to say. This is what I have learned: It is VERY difficult to stop an EA, it’s like a magnet, even for people in a good marriage. I knew that if I did not stop, I would face big problems. And I wanted to preserve the trust. I felt guilty, but the “pull” is so strong!
My wife and I had several difficult conversations, then agreed that I would write a letter to the OW’s after which she would proofread it and send it, this we did. I also promised her that I would delete my Facebook page which I also did. (THAT was VERY difficult!) My wife trusted me to do that, which helped me, since I did not want to further damage her trust, and I wanted to prove myself worthy of her trust. I believe trusting your wife as far as you can would be a good thing.
You seem to be going in a good direction. Counseling, talking. Always good. Spending time with your wife, doing things she likes, being creative. All OK. I would also like to say that the articles in this section of the MM site are very good to read! Your wife does need to understand how much this hurts. This is key. Describe a scenario to her in which you are having an affair with someone you both know. Use the name of a mutual friend. How would your wife feel if you did that? Etc. If you can, tell her you trust her. My wife’s trust really helped me. It made me more determined to stop once and for all. But it WAS difficult!!
At the end of the day, your wife needs to stop this on her own. It’s a difficult process. I am very sorry you have been placed in this position. I hope these comments have been of help. I hope to see you return to this site; the contributors and readers, and administration are all very familiar with this. You are among friends! I hope to hear from you again. WP (Work in Progress)
Hi WP. Thank you for your recent posts above. Thank you. Do you read that with the heart felt emotions it said??? THANK YOU DEAR WP. Your 1st recent post made me cry because it was so true. I feel unloved. Plain and simple. I feel weak and poor. You couldn’t have expressed my feelings any better. Your 2nd recent post also hit home but left a bitter taste in my mouth. If L did shower me with the affection I crave, I would still be unsatisfied because of the damage within myself. So you are saying only I can heal these wounds. Maybe I AM being loved. Well enough. But not well enough FOR ME. I am unsatisfied because of ME.
I get this.
But WP, this weekend was a very close family wedding. All exciting. Dressed up. Felt beautiful. I certainly got THE ‘attention’. However, AT the wedding and dead in my tracks, I was overwhelmed with sheer envy watching this particular bride and groom. It was the connection between them. The way the bride adored the groom, the way he looked at her. I wanted to cry. I felt miserable, robbed, unhappy, envious, angry, hopeful, everything, all at once! WP, the groom is a cousin of mine. I grew up with him. I had to ask myself, WHY SDN, WHY are you feeling this way and STOP IT. I have to be happy for them. I had to maintain my smile. Maintain my ‘joyful’ self. It was so hard WP.
The few hours that I slept in the early parts of this morning felt as though I was so highly intoxicated and disturbed mentally. The dreams were only of this bridal couple. I felt horrible and miserable even this morning. I had so much to do. I did all my chores with this heavy heart and demented mind. I went to my room finally done and just cried and cried and cried. I wished I could have picked up the phone and talk with you WP. Tell you how I felt. Expressed everything. I had to wait to get my kids to sleep so I can now sit on this computer and express my self away. WP.
I was envious because I did not have that. That connection with L. That Love and admiration from L. It made me feel sick. Sick, sick, sick, to the core. I was thinking, is any of this related to OM. I have reconnected with him, WP. Not on weekends though. I miss him. Did the groom and OM have some uncanny personality resemblance as well?? YES. Yes, they did. But it wasn’t just that. I TRULY FELT ROBBED. It is SO UNFAIR, WP. I HATE with a passion that I am cursed. I am flawed. I cannot feel loved. I cannot appreciate fully what I have. My mind doesn’t believe that I am also blessed in my own way. I envied another couple’s love. It seemed beautiful and pure. Yes, PURE. If I wanted to feel loved, I’d have to engage with OM. Sinful. Need I say more? WP, I often feel like I don’t want to be here on this earth if I have to live this way. To feel this way. To sin. To bear the consequences of my sins. But I’d be giving my children up. And they are the only reason that I choose to live each day.
I wish I could express my feelings more accurately. I just want to cry, WP. I am helpless. I don’t want to sin. I don’t want to envy. I don’t want to live this life. I want normality. The EA is controlling me now. I mean the prospect of it. the result of being bruised and hurt all these years and now I chose an EA.
I miss OM. I want the security of L and the ‘love’ and thrill of OM.
I wish I could go on, WP, I have to go immediately. I just wanted to express all this to you even if you didn’t respond. I HAD TO TELL YOU. No one understands. Its been a hard few days for me and all I want to do is sleep forever.
Stay blessed, WP. Look after yourself. And thank you again for just being here. SDN
Hi SDN, Now I have time to respond. I am so familiar with the emotions you describe. You describe me as I was not so very long ago. You write very well. And I feel your emotion. I am trying to think of a response that will ease your pain. The only thing I can say is that God sees your heart, He knows the damage and He can repair it. You ARE loved. You ARE a quality person. You ARE of great value. But you are unable to receive love. Your filters are still in place. Yes you DO need to start believing in yourself. And you CAN. Have you seen the video clips I referred to? Have you considered their message? God the Father is not the same as your father. Please go back to my earlier posts about this and read them again. I hear you… And I have struggled with the same things. Read the Scriptures I cited and allow them into your heart. Consider them true for YOU. They ARE true you know.
I hope your correspondence with OM does not hurt you too much… I fully understand your feelings, wanting the security of L and the love and thrill from OM. I will pray for you… That You will know that God hears your cries for help… That you will come into that place of being “blessed always.” I hope this post reaches you. I will write more soon… WP
Hi again, WP. While I have the time I’d like to mention a few things about your recent posts to me.
Thank you for reminding me about my resent towards OM. And I do see that my feelings are everywhere and anywhere. I AM a total wreck inside. I need to work on my internal peace. PEACE- not So easy though.
You often reflect back how you have perceived me. You have listed such beautiful qualities of myself and yes I can’t dispute them. Thank you, WP. Feels so good that you have observed these qualities so many KM’s away. I need to start believing in my selF. From positive SDN 2 weeks ago,I have deteriorated. I also thought I was done with this EA saga after attending the seminar.
I just wish everything I feel can just be toned down. Its like my emotions are felt at extreme measures always. So if I’m sad- VERY sad. Happy- very happy. Angry- very angry. Confused- very confused. Lonely- extremely lonely. I hate feeling lonely the most. Like all alone in this world to deal with my inner struggles on my own. Its hard. Very hard.
How have you been, WP? You are always helping me and others, thoroughly. How Are YOU? What’s been happening lately? Is the job hunting getting better? Isn’t it somewhat stressful? Your big visit is coming up :) Have you been having positive thoughts about that? How do you feel about seeing your dad? Is he well?
I hope you soon respond. Take care guardian angel. SDN
Hi SDN, I have read all of your most recent posts and I follow everything you are saying so very well!! I feel your pain, and have so much to say. I don’t have so much time now to write. It is late here.
You describe me very well as I was not so long ago. Please read the Scriptures I cited in earlier posts and receive them into your heart for YOU. Also, have you viewed the video clips I referenced? I will pray. And I hope you see this my post soon. God hears your pleas for help and your heartfelt feelings. I know He does.
Dear Lord God,
Please meet SDN where she is at this moment and please come into her heart with Your Great Love!! Surround her with Your angels I ask You. And may she have Your peace in her heart and mind!!!
Protect her and please help her to stay away from sin as she has requested. May she be able to receive love! And may she open her heart to Your Love and receive Your special blessing for which Your Son died.
WP
Hi SDN,
I have read all your posts and I understand so well everything you have said. This is WP. I have been having trouble with posting a comment. I have written the MM administration but no answer yet. You are describing me as I was not so long ago, as you know.
In the same way as you I was not able to receive love, because of earlier damage. It is the Love of God which will set you free. His Love will produce in you the healthy self esteem which you need. Please go back to my earlier posts and receive the Scriptures there as meant for YOU. View the video clips I referenced as meant for YOU.
Dear Lord God,
May SDN receive your Love in her heart at this time. And may You surround her with Your angels and Your peace. Guard her and protect her from any and all wrong things which can be so powerful.
I hope you see this post.
Take care and be always blessed.
WP
Hi SDN, from WP. Please read my reply to Pie Lady above. All of that is, of course, true.
Stay blessed. Stay close to God your Creator. :))
WP
Dear SDN,
I have read your posts and I understand you very well. Hold on!! Hold on!!
I have had trouble posting comments here from the computer I always use. I don’t know why. I have written to the site administration but no answer yet. I will try to respond soon.
One step at a time SDN. You will come out OK. You will. Read your letter again.
I hope to get this problem resolved,
Take care. And talk to God. He knows where you are. WP
Ahhh! This time it worked! From a different device. Ok. I will write soon. I will really pray SDN.
WP
Hi SDN. WP here again:))
These phrases I have pulled from your texts because I have felt exactly the same way:
“So you are saying only I can heal these wounds. Maybe I AM being loved. Well enough. But not well enough FOR ME. I am unsatisfied because of ME.
I get this.” And
“Angry, very angry. Confused, very confused. Lonely, extremely lonely. I hate feeling lonely the most. Like all alone in this world to deal with my inner struggles on my own. Its hard. Very hard.”
I am not saying you need to heal yourself. I am saying that God Himself can and wants to and will heal you. In His way. The best way.
He is doing that with me and He is doing it with you. “Come to me all you who are heavy laden and I will give you rest.” “Unless you receive the Kingdom of God like a little child, you shall not enter it at all.”
Loneliness is a terrible thing. We have both had our share of this. This is the most remarkable side of the video clip of Tamar Laroux, which you said had such an impact on you. I know! For the same reason as yours, it had a big impact on me too! Her loneliness drove her to take her own life. Neither you nor I have been that far. And if God does such a wonderful work in her, He wants the same for you. And me. And everyone! For every person who “comes to Me” (“comes to Jesus with an open and contrite heart”)
See Psalm 51.
Anyway, I hope these comments help your pain. I hope to hear from you soon. Open your heart to receive love. You can do this. Your past does not have to be your future!!!
WP (Work in Progress)
Hi WP. RS? lol. What an emotionally exhausting weekend. Today is a holiday here in South Africa. It was workers day yesterday so today being a Monday will also be a holiday. WP, I have had a draining weekend. allow me to express something ‘odd’. I felt OK last night. I woke up feeling fine. I logged on here and read your prayer. I am compelled to think that your prayers are absolutely powerful. I know its because u prayed for me. Prayers are so powerful. U prayed across the world for me. Why else did I feel fine? I still don’t understand fully why I felt the way I did at the wedding and thereafter. My sent me pics of the bridal couple. Before I could open the full pic, I deleted them. I did not want to cause myself more stress.
I bought two very inspiring books today. I LOVE reading. Its been long since I bought books for myself. It excites me so much. A new book. Such treasures. Previously and before EA1, I would buy books on love affairs and romance etc. Today I refused to be tempted. I believe, You are what u read. Those books would just expand my imagination. Like feedin my desires. Instead, I chose one on Mothering and one on prayer- Christian based for women. Cant wait to start reading.
Thank u WP. You have helped me so much. People often judge so I don’t have good friends with whom I can connect with. You are more than just a friend. You are a mentor and a father. I wish I could have had this kind of relationship with my dad. I wished he cared for me and gave me the security I needed as a child. Maybe I wouldn’t be in this predicament.
At the end of this month is my daughters sports day. I have mixed emotions. I hope OMs wife does not recognize me. how are you WP? I await a response, I need to run again. Stay blessed and take care. SDN
Hi SDN! WP here… So good to hear you are doing so much better… God is at work in you and He knows how you tick. He knows your failings and strengths and He loves you more than you know. The last days have been a bit crazy with my posting a comment on this site. When I wrote a text, and clicked on “Post Comment” the entire text disappeared. Anyway, using another name RS and a 2nd email address, which we have, seemed to fix the problem… but I don’t want to confuse people, so I am starting my notes with “WP.”
Yes prayer is very powerful… there is much about “prayer” in the Bible. I do believe in prayer, very much so! I’m happy that you feel so much better… and that perhaps I had a part to play in that transition. Your emotional and well written post hit me hard, because you have described so well feelings I myself have had (and still sometimes have if the truth be told- but I recognize them now). Sometimes our emotions can be very intense, and we do not understand them… at least that’s how it is with me.
You are making good choices SDN! A good book is like a special friend, you can’t wait to get back home to read the next chapter. I have always liked reading… Adventure stories, mysteries… novels. But it has been a long while since I read a good book! Mothering and Christian prayer…. Wow!! Sounds very inspiring!! Very good point… “You are what you read…” I will remember that.
Thank you SDN for your kind words. I see you too as a daughter. I have said this before… but I will say it again… if I were your father, I would be very proud of you. Actually, I am very proud of you anyway. Maybe this is God’s way of repairing your emotions…. and giving you the father you never had. You can learn to receive love SDN… and take away the wrong filters of your childhood. You can do this… through believing, childlike prayer… by making right choices, and by steering clear of wrong things. In the same way that you are not harsh with your children when they make mistakes, and do wrong things they don’t want to do, so is God not harsh with you when you slip and fall into wrong things you don’t want to do. It’s a process… and needs patience. Well, we can pray and trust that your daughter’s sports day goes through without an altercation between you and OM’s wife. You got through the first “tricky period” and you can get through this one too. :))
How am I, SDN? Basically I’m doing pretty well. The On-line OW’s are well behind me; it has been almost 11 months. I think of them rarely now. But when I do, the pain is absent, and I’m able to pray for them. I hope they’re doing well… that they’re all right! I trust God is looking after them. To be honest… when I think of OWW, I have to push away the desire to call her and talk. I know I would feel guilty and be down on myself so I don’t do that. It’s still hard sometimes. But then the good feeling of being able to say to R that I haven’t called her is worth it. Job hunting is frustrating. I’m told I need a full degree for teaching, which I don’t have. But I can do private tutoring or find work with photography. I just photographed a big family get-together of good friends and I try to capture the atmosphere of the moment… where people see each other after a long time… or are having special conversations…. it’s not so easy to convey the feeling that is present. I am happy with the outcome though, and I will submit them in the next few days. So far so good I would say I’m nervous about my coming trip to the US. I haven’t seen my US family in 3 years. I understand my parents much better now, since I’m a father myself. Parents basically love their children. But when they themselves have had a dysfunctional childhood, they often do things which are incomprehensible for children. Only later are we able to see though all that. We will see. I will let you know :))
So nice to see you are doing better. Every day is a new day you know. Stay blessed always! WP
Dear WP, I just wanted to thank you for your response to my question. I think a friend who is a counselor told me that people who have been sexually abused as children could be more likely to have an extra marital affair. My abuse had two phases. The first one was for maybe a year when I was six, (off and on) and the other one was for about three years (off and on also) and started when I was ten or eleven. Thank you also for your words of encouragement.
Hi Pie Lady, You are most welcome! Yeeesss…. you and I both know the shame and the hurt this brings, and also how hard it can be to actually talk about it. I have found that talking about it with trusted Christians has been a real help. It does not come up very often, but when it does, I find that healing has moved forward again by another “little step.” “Giant steps” have been more rare, but they have happened, and always in God’s own perfect timing.
Even now, after such a long time, I find myself observing some of our friends’ children who are aged 10 and 14. I say to myself even now, “Yes, these are definitely children. It was not my fault.” And I feel better.
The main factors in avoiding an EA for me now are:
– receiving and internalizing the Love of God for ME.
– feeding the development of a higher self esteem
– wanting to be able to say to my wife “Yes you CAN trust me” and know that I am speaking the truth.
Isn’t it wonderful that we do not have to base our lives on statistics? As you know, it is our choices that matter. I have found that the “stats” help to indicate to me what I am up against. In this way they re useful. I hope you have a good day Pie Lady. (Great name!!) Are you an expert at making pies? These are a big delicacy here in the Netherlands. Take care, WP (Work in Progress)
Dear WP, Your question made me laugh. No, I am certainly no expert at making pies. I enjoy making pies. I think when I posted a year ago it was soon after or close to National Pie (Pi) day (March 16- 3/16) and I made 4 pies that day. I posted on Facebook a picture of my apple pie with the Pi symbol as the top crust and someone commented calling me Pie Lady. That’s why the name came to me.
I like what you said to not let the statistics rule our behavior. It’s comforting because I have a daughter who at the ages of 4-6 was repeatedly raped while living in an orphanage. My husband and I adopted her when she was almost 7 years old. Hopefully when she’s grown and married she will not follow my example and become involved emotionally with another man.
Hi Pie Lady, National Pi Day! This is completely new for me! Sounds like fun! But you haven’t been making pies since?
It seems that you are clearly called to adopt this little girl…as you know, the love and support you show her now will have far more effect than any statistic as to whether she pursues an EA when she is older. Your daughter is at a distinct advantage since you know what sexual abuse is, and it’s effects. That is one thing I did not have- a same sex parent who understood. Not his fault of course, but the gap is there nonetheless.
I recall very well the story of a young woman who was violated as a teen. She stopped talking. She said not one word for several weeks. Her Christian parents tried everything they could think of… to no avail. The family went to a Christian conference where the young woman met an older, very kind and motherly lady who was a nun. They looked at each other for several seconds, and without speaking, they both fell into each other’s arms and cried. You see, the older nun had also been raped when she was young. The two women recognized this in each other without speaking. Healing flowed as their tears fell… even now I have a bit of emotion when writing this. Each knew how the other felt. They both finally felt understood.
Your daughter will have this understanding with you… of course far more powerful than any statistic… worth more than gold really! You two will have a connection which is vital to your daughter’s well being. The account of these two women, and now your adoption of this little girl, illustrate so well the seemingly impossible Scripture, “God causes all things to work together for good, to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.” Are you still going through the book “Wounded Heart?” Is it written by Bruce Thompson? How are things with you now? May God look after you and yours, Pie Lady. Take care… WP (Work in Progress)
WP, I have made pies occasionally since. Thank you for your words of encouragement concerning my daughter, who actually is a young lady now- close to 16 years old. She has struggled for a few years now because of her past trauma. I do my best, with the help of God, to be a support to her. She is healing, gradually. The book Wounded Heart is by Dan Allender. And thanks- you take care too.
Hi WP. I hope u are well. Its so good to hear and realise that u r 11mnths away from the FB OW. The OWW is now the only temptation. I hope u find the strength and will power to overcome her with ease. EAs are so horrible. Its such a curse.
I am feeling a lil bit sad but not depreSsed or miserable. I am also frustrated like u with the job hunting. I have been reading my new book and it feels good. Again I am put off my OM and dnt feel attracted to him so much. Yes he IS immature. When I stay away from him, I forget all this and miss him terribly. But I know its the feelings of ‘love’ I miss. L and I are ok for now. Otherwise WP, I hope u r staying strong and keep on praying. Stay blessed. And take good care of yourself. SDN
Hi SDN, It seems that you have bounced back rather quickly from the very sad text you sent only a few days ago. I have a question… isn’t it the intense feelings of “being in love” which you miss? I know that was the case with me. Yet I know all too well that the secure love, the unshakable love that grows between two people who have weathered the storms together, is like the undercurrent of a river, strong and unwavering, that makes it’s way to the sea. It is unseen, yet very powerful. The in-love feeling is very intense and very visible, and changes so much with a “change in the weather” like the surface of the river, sometimes with waves and whitecaps, sometimes calm and serene. This sounds like the changes you have been experienceing with your OM. You see? We both know the intense lure and the very fickle nature of an EA. And yet… yes, I miss the “in-love” feeling too. If I think too much about OWW, I tend to feel a bit sad too… I know what you mean.
But we CAN have this again with our spouses! The Bible tells us, Do what you have been doing in the beginning. (I’m not sure exactly where, but I will look it up) Go on dates, dream up romantic outings, do nice things, be a kid again!! Maybe this is what the Bible means when it says, “Unless you receive the Kingdom of God like a child, you shall not enter it at all.” I wonder. AND of course we can pray. :)) As you yourself said, effective prayer is powerful. Effective prayer, is, among other things, prayer which goes in the direction of God’s will. It is certainly His will that we be satisfied and secure in our marriages!
I am happy that you are not so depressed as you were only a short time ago. You are strong SDN, and you have the best of intentions. God is looking after you, I see this very well. Which new book are you reading? The one on mothering? or the one on prayer for Christian women?
I pray and hope you find the job which is just right for you… you will. Keep up with expanding your letter with things you KNOW are true about you. I know the things I contributed about you are true. Just those characteristics describe a very special person! Anyway, you look after yourself, will you SDN? Stay blessed for always… this means stay close to God, and read His Word… It’s all there for YOU you know. Cheers, WP
Hi Pie Lady, Ahh your daughter is 16! I was wondering how old she is. Yes… we both are aware that healing is most of the time gradual. It’s wonderful to hear that her healing is progressing even at her still young age. For me it took a LONG time. She is very fortunate with you. (I’m sure she enjoys an occasional pie from you too…) :) Blessings to you Pie Lady… WP (Work in Progress)
Hi WP. I hope u r well today. Thank u for those lovely words of encouragement. It does make a difference to read such positivity.
I have NOT bounced back. No WP. Things are v hard for me at the moment. Its not so much OM or the EA I have been engaged in. Its more the frustration of not finding a job. The fact that I am confined to these walls at home. My eldest is a challenge everyday. L and I sometimes have altercations. Everything all at once. This weekend I witnessed a couple get married with the prospect of a prosperous life ahead. They also were so in love. But here I am, living the life I do. I feel so flawed. Its so unfair WP. I am praying all the time. I am praying in dire need. Actually begging God to grace me. OM is nowhere in my thoughts right nw. Hs just sme baggage in the corner. He is jst an illuSion. I wish I could get back to my old self. Positive and happy.
Stay blessed WP. U r immensely blessed and it shows. I see you are also advising others on other forums here. Such a blessing. Guardian Angel. SDN
Hi SDN… I’m happy to hear from you… of course! Also I’m happy that you feel so safe to share things with me. All the texts I post are written in a prayerful way. All the things I say are true as far as I am able to know. I’m not happy to hear that things continue to be difficult… but you know… now the couple who were just married are in love… and that’s a wonderful thing. Who knows the trials they will face tomorrow? I can tell you this, I am VERY happy I did not know of some of the things which were waiting for us!! Many of those things you aleady know.
It seems to me that you are alone too much. Looking after a rebellious 5 year old daughter and a younger son I’m sure is a daunting task. Continuing rebelious behaviour may be an indication that something else is going on with your daughter for which you need outside help or advice. Do you have other mothers whom you can visit or talk to? Sharing yourself with others is a blessing, especially for mothers like yourself who are at home all day. Is there anyone you can contact closer to home? I guess L is away at his work every day… so for him to help is logistically difficult. What about school or a creche, Isn’t your daughter in a creche now for a few days each week? I’m just trying to think of ideas for you to have a bit of distraction, and more interaction with adults. Do you have any really good friends? Friends you can really trust with the more private things?? Does L appreciate your position? Do you have a chance to go on little outings with L? For now, at least you have two good books to read! That is something anyway.
Yes the job search is very frustrating. I have to put more time into it to be sure. The yard is needing work now that the days are getting longer, and I really have to push myself to go out and do the work. I frankly would much rather spend time on this site… so I guess you can see I haven’t been working in the garden so much :)
I know and understand that you feel flawed. You are NOT flawed. Read your letter again and again. All these things are true of you! We both understand and agree on that! You really should add to your letter, and expand it… put in other attributes of yours and give yourself a “fair shake.” Perhaps you should write a letter to yourself in which you describe your prayers, the answers to your prayers, and the ways you have seen God at work in you. Likely you will be surprised at the words which flow from your pen. Ask God to inspire you to write. I will pray for this if you like… Prayers are powerful, as you know… expecially prayers which are “according to God’s will.” It IS His will that you have a healthy image of yourself. I am sure He will guide you as you write. Perhaps give this a try!!
One very good friend said something to me I will never forget. She said, “Many people love you. They just don’t always tell you.” I believe this is true of you also. I know you miss feeling loved. That’s not nice of course. DO you, deep in your heart… feel that L really loves you? Perhaps consider this question first before you answer right away. Of course I’m not asking you to answer such a question here on this forum, but if you do, of course that’s fine. Once you tell me that you have arrived at an answer, then I have 2 other questions for you. OK?
Bye for now. I await your reply. In the meantime I will for sure pray for you and L and the children. Usually I do this when I wake up very early. (Yes, I am still not out of my work rhythm yet.) You take care of yourself. Know that you are not flawed, rather, you are precious in the sight of God… like is says in Ps. 139. I only know you for a short time, and… I’m proud of you. Stay close to God, be blessed for always.. WP (Work in Progress)