Any relationship will have its difficulties. But sometimes those difficulties are indicators of deep-rooted problems. That’s when relational red flags are usually waving to warn you. Essentially, they’re invisibly saying, “Pay attention; there are potential problems here.” And if they’re waving, don’t ignore them!
It’s important to know that just because you have a good dating relationship, it doesn’t mean that you should marry.
“Some will say, ‘Since no one’s perfect, it really doesn’t matter who I chose to marry. We’re all flawed.’ Some will even take it a step further and say, ‘It’s about being the right person, not finding the right person.’ Yes, there’s some truth there; but the Bible makes distinctions between the foolish and the wise. Though we all are a mixture of both, there are some qualitative differences between people. It does matter who you marry!
“When we’re excited about a relationship, it’s easy to overlook the red flags in the relationship that should be examined. We want to be married; this special person makes us feel wonderful (at least most of the time). We know some things about this person, but we sometimes fill in the gaps with what we want him or her to be like. Yet we rarely fill them in accurately. As you continue to read, please do so with an open mind. You just might find that some red flags actually relate to you, not to your significant other.” (Glenn Lutjens, from his article, “Red Flags in a Relationship”)
So, if any of the following relational red flags exist in your relationship, talk about these issues as soon as possible BEFORE marrying. Also, it would be good to do so with a pastor, counselor or a mentor. They can give you some good added insights. Prayerfully consider these:
Relational Red Flags Difficulties:
1. You have a general uneasy feeling that there is something wrong in your relationship with your fiancé.
2. You find yourself arguing often with your fiancé.
3. Your fiancé seems irrationally jealous whenever you interact with someone of the opposite sex.
4. You avoid discussing certain subjects because you’re afraid of your fiancé’s reaction.
5. Your fiancé finds it extremely difficult to express emotions. Or he or she is prone to extreme emotions. (These can be out of control anger exaggerated fear.) Or his or her emotions are swinging back and forth between emotional extremes. (He or she could be very happy one minute, then suddenly exhibiting extreme sadness the next).
6. Your fiancé displays controlling behavior. This means more than wanting to be in charge. It means your fiancé seems to want to control every aspect of your life. He or she controls your appearance, your lifestyle, your interactions with friends or family, etc. Your fiancé seems to manipulate you into doing what he or she wants.
7. You are continuing the relationship because of fear. You are fearful of hurting your fiancé. Or you fear what he or she might do if you ended the relationship.
8. Your fiancé does not treat you with respect. He or she constantly criticizes you or talks sarcastically to you.
9. Your fiancé is unable to hold down a job. He or she doesn’t take personal responsibility for losing a job. He or she frequently borrows money from you or friends.
Also:
10. Your fiancé often talks about imagined aches and pains. There are visits from doctor to doctor. And that is done until he or she finds someone who will agree that he or she is seriously ill.
11. Your fiancé is unable to resolve conflict. He or she cannot deal with constructive criticism. And he or she never admits a mistake and never asks for forgiveness.
12. Your fiancé is overly-dependent on parents for finances, decision-making or emotional security.
13. Your fiancé shows a pattern of dishonesty, and rationalizing questionable behavior. Or there is a twisting words to his or her benefit.
14. He or she exhibits patterns of physical, emotional or sexual abuse toward you or others. If your fiancé has ever threatened to hit you or actually struck you, this is a warning sign of future abuse. If he or she puts you down or continually criticizes you, this is a sign of emotional abusiveness.
15. Your fiancé displays signs of drug or alcohol abuse. There are unexplained absences or missed dates, or frequent car accidents. And/or there is the smell of alcohol or strong odor of mouthwash. There may be erratic behavior or emotional swings. There can also be physical signs. They can include red eyes, unkempt look, and unexplained nervousness, etc.
16. Your fiancé displayed a sudden, dramatic change in lifestyle as you began dating. (He or she may be changing just to win you and will revert back to old habits after marriage.)
Do you recognize any of these caution signs in your relationship? If so, which ones?
If so, we recommend you talk about the situation as soon as possible with a pastor, counselor or mentor.
SPECIAL WARNING Concerning Relational Red Flags:
In addition, here’s something more you need to work through:
If any of these caution signs are present in your relationship and you are engaging in sexual intercourse, it is imperative that you terminate the physical intimacy immediately. God has your welfare in mind when He forbids sexual connection before marriage. The premature bond this type of intimacy creates will make it difficult for you to make needed changes in your relationship or to break it off.
This article/discussion questions come from the helpful workbook, Preparing for Marriage: Discover God’s Plan for a Lifetime of Love. It is written by David Boehi, Brent Nelson, Jeff Schulte, and Lloyd Shadrach. There was a LOT more to the chapter on the subject of “Evaluating Your Relationship” that we weren’t able to include in this article. A large part of this particular section of the chapter was adapted from the book, How Can I Be Sure? Questions to Ask Before You Get Married. This book published by Harvest House Publishers (which is also a terrific book).
— ALSO —
There is a lot more to learn on this matter. Please don’t hesitate to dig deeper on these matters. They’re too important to take lightly. That’s because, if you marry, and there are huge issues present, you will most assuredly have to deal with them for the rest of your life together. Don’t underestimate how difficult this will be!
If nothing else, you want to make sure you go into marriage with both eyes open. Don’t say you weren’t warned. When relational red flags are waving, you had best not ignore them. So, look at them; pray about them, and deal with them.
There’s no doubt that it’s worth your time and effort to “count the cost” ahead of marrying. After-all, isn’t that what God tells us to do in the Bible? (Here’s a hint; the answer is yes!) See: Luke 14:28-31.
So, first, Norm Wright wrote an article that we link to below on this same issue that we recommend you read:
• ESTABLISHING A SOLID FOUNDATION: RED FLAGS
Plus:
Additionally, Gary Thomas gives other insights to consider in who you marry. Red Flags are waving everywhere. And then afterwards, Pastor Roger Barriers gives other issues to prayerfully consider:
• If a Potential Spouse Doesn’t Have This Think Twice About Marrying Him/Her
• THINK TWICE BEFORE MARRYING THESE 7 TYPES OF PEOPLE
Filed under: Single Yet Preparing
(JAMAICA) I HAVE BEEN IN A RELATIONSHIP OVER A YEAR AND A HALF NOW AND I AM PLANNING TO GET MARRIED. WAS THIS TOO QUICK.
WHEN I JUST MET MY GIRLFRIEND SHE WANTED TO CHANGE, IF NOT MOST OF MY LIFE, MY APPEARANCE, DRESS CODE, OR SPEECH. SHE WANTED ME TO ACCEPT HER FRIENDS JUST LIKE THAT. AND WHAT IS MOST PERTURBING IS THE FACT THAT SHE WANTS ME TO ACCEPT HER SPENDING WEEKENDS AT THE HOME OF HER BEST FRIEND WHO IS A MALE, WHOM I HAVE SPOKEN TO ONLY TWICE. WHAT DO U MAKE OF THE WHOLE SITUATION?
Eh? Done dat relationship ASAP!!! A male best friend??? Save yourself unnecessary heartache in the future and done de ting quick!!
(USA) Hi Joseph, It seems like you have come across some “relational red flags” that it would be a good thing to pay attention to. It’s pretty typical of human beings to see “specks” in the other person’s eyes and not see our own faults or the “specks” or even “planks” in our own eyes (as Jesus talked about in Luke 6). Unfortunately, we all do it. But it’s something that the Lord warns us about, so we will stop.
When we’re in a relationship with someone else, we need to be careful that we aren’t in the habit of justifying our own behavior and yet try to change the other person so much that they feel like we are trying to erase who they are. We all need to change in some ways and we all need to adapt to the other person in some ways… but it is a two-way street. There should be give and take going on by both of you. If there isn’t, it is an indicator of what you can expect later if you eventually marry. She will expect you to do all of the adapting and that can get pretty tiresome eventually.
Spending a night at a male “friend’s” house — whether she is engaged to you or not is a troubling “red flag.” It’s just not appropriate. According to the Bible, we are to refrain from even the “appearance of evil.” And it’s even more troublesome when she is in a serious relationship, heading towards marriage, with you. If she is serious about wanting to marry you, then now is the time to start working on uniting as a couple in approaching life as a team — a team that doesn’t allow others to come between you. From what I’m reading, I’m not thinking that is what is happening.
I would pay attention to the “red flags” and see how you can both work through them before I would make any serious marriage plans. Red flags are warning signals that something is wrong. And you have plenty of them that are waving right now.
It appears that you have issues that could divide you later in life — don’t allow yourself to proceed until you are absolutely sure that BOTH of you are committed to working as a team (and prove it in your everyday actions before marriage — it’s to become a way of life, not a “show” for a period of time). If that doesn’t happen, then you shouldn’t marry. When a person is ready to marry, they will commit to adapt in a healthy way to be one part of a team for the rest of their lives. A person who shows by their thoughts and actions that they are committed to proceed through life as a single person, should stay single until and unless they permanently change.
(CANADA) Hi Karin. I can relate to your situation completely as I was going through the same type of relationship about 2 years ago. The man was not honest, and did the same things your boyfriend is doing. He would neglect to call me for weeks and I seemed to be the only one initiating conversation. He would evade the subject and make excuses and I chose to try to ignore it, even though the lies hurt more than the action. I didn’t address things as I should have, even when I caught him lying to me (I forgot your number, I tried calling you but the line was busy (even though it wasn’t), I left a message (though he had not), I called a few times but you didn’t pick up (my phone listed missed calls and there were none).
These all hurt, and it turns out we were in an extremely "open relationship" (he was a cheater), but I didn’t want to address them, I just wanted to ignore them even though the pain of his lies chewed me up inside.
Please don’t make the same mistake I did in letting it drag on if a lot of what I’m saying relates. Talk to him about this seriously, and end it if you see he is not right for you.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi, How I wish I’ve seen this site 5 years ago!!! 12 of the red flags are true in my marriage!
(USA) Hi, I’m dating for marriage and my fiancee and I recently hit a major snag that I believe was a huge red flag. We both attend the same church. I found out that my boyfriend sends his tithe to several churches while I believe the tithe should go to the local church. In addition, his contribution statement from our church is well below 10% and his reason for the difference is that he gave some anonymously and the rest he gave to support overseas missions.
My fiancee has always been honest with me but this was a lot for me to swallow and made me wonder if he was telling the truth. He is someone who appreciates a tax break so the anonymous giving sounded suspect. In my heart, I believe he struggles with tithing consistently. I have a strong belief in tithing. He said when we are married he would have no problem agreeing to tithing to our local church and agreeing on a set amount we want to give each year. This is scary for me to go into marriage hoping he won’t change his tune once we get married. I don’t know what to do.
We have had other disagreements on other things and for the most part we seem compatible but I do end up having to adapt who I am a lot to make up the difference when there is a disagreement. Should I walk away or trust in his word?
(USA) I am alone… or it feels that way. I was abused for 23 years by my ex husband. I am a Christian lady and the Lord rescued me from the situation… I stayed til my kids were grown. I went back to college… I swore off men for nearly 2 years. It has been nearly 3 yrs since the divorce. I met a nice Christian man and we are set to marry in Sept.
I also come from a horrible home. When I fled from my ex the only place I had to go with only the clothes on my back was to my parents where I lived for over 2 yrs. I stayed there as long as I could. I ran out of options and moved in with my fiance about 2 months ago and thought that I would just wait until Sept. because I had no other choice.
This was a mistake. I see this as more of a mistake than he does. No one knows that I am living with him. I have no one to talk to. I am having so many RED FLAGS come up on me that it isn’t even funny… but I have no way to back out now. I asked him several times to just go ahead and marry me now so that we would not be living in sin but he does not want to disappoint his family… a wedding and all. This is another red flag… I should be more important.
The love I have for him is decreasing every day. He has Cerebal Palsy and this really was no problem before. I have Epilepsy but he seems to be “leaning” more on that as of late. If anyone has any advice… thanks.
(USA) I think you could also write finacee (the female counterpart) on at least a few of those.
(US) My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year and a half. We have a lot of fun together. And I feel that when it’s good, its as good as it gets, but when its bad it hurts so much. We argue a lot but I feel our arguments come from how we argue. I say more mean words than I should, but I have never been called on it before him. I think that can be a good thing, but his words are so painful. He uses a lot of you and I statements which beat me down. I tell him of this in hope he will realize what he is doing to me, but instead says words like, “It’s always on your time” and “You’re hurting me.” These words eat inside of me.
He is very supportive of my feelings as long as the situation is not directly related to him. He also needs to be reassured of my love very often. I don’t mind this but sometimes it worries me. I want to think it’s okay, but I know there are red flags as well. He continues to talk about getting married and I want to but am worried at the same time. He says I am the one who threatens to leave, not him. But it’s his words that I feel are driving me away. He doesn’t feel he’s saying anything wrong.
I appreciate any thoughts or feedback. Thanks.
(SA) My boyfriend and I have been together for just over a year and we get on really really well! We don’t always enjoy the same things, but at the same time we do have common interests… so it’s a bit of a medium! He works for one of the Churches where we live and leads a cellgroup/homegroup and is a Deacon in our Church. We are both 23 turning 24. He would really like to get married and I was very excited about it until my parents expressed their concern and the fact that they do not want me to ever marry this man.
It really really hurts and although my parents are very over-protective and have a tendency to be somewhat controlling, we’ve always got on and so it has been very confusing to be in conflict with them. I feel as though they are not respecting me as an adult because they told me over 6 months ago that they weren’t happy with our relationship, but have not allowed me to work through it on my own -they keep bombarding me (ok, more my mom with the bombarding) with their opinion everyday to the point that I would go to work crying or be phoned at work and become upset -and my boss had to eventually tell my mom to stop phoning the office and upsetting me! My parents feel we aren’t suited, that being in a church he won’t make enough to support me (even though I have no intention of stopping working because I’m in a good career) & feel that he is not good enough for me because he doesn’t have a college degree.
I guess I just don’t understand… I have spoken to other deacons in our Church as well as friends on both of our sides and none of them share the same concerns as my parents. I would love to say that my parents have no impact on me, but of course they do! I don’t want to lose them, but I also don’t want to give up a relationship that is otherwise good (of course we have little ups and downs but my parents is the major cause of any strain we have in our relationship) just because my parents are going to make life difficult!
I am moving out soon -with a girlfriend -and they are also extremely unhappy with this idea! So I just don’t know what to think at the moment -I don’t feel like I know which way is up and whether I am being disrespectful to my parents! My boyfriend has been really supportive of everything, though he has occasionally been upset and hurt regarding my parents attitude toward him. I get on really well with his parents and it almost makes me feel like i’m betraying my own… it’s the weirdest thing!
Anyway, sorry for the ESSAY! I would appreciate any advice with regard to this situation as I am feeling very stressed – this kind of pressure at home is affecting my worklife and is making me depressed as well… either way it can’t go on. I’m just unsure of what to do… Thanks!
My dear, I hope my advice is not coming too late. Take it from me who came from a similar situation. If your mom is a Christian, you’d better listen to her. Nothing can replace your parents’ blessings in a relationship. And no matter what, your parents will always love you and be there for you. Take it from me. I continued dating a guy whom my parents did not favour for almost 10 years. He went and married someone else. Then I dated a few other guys afterward who were not Christians. The result is that I am now a single parent. I don’t know if I’ll ever meet the right man. What I do know is that had I heeded my parents’ advice when I was about your age, I would have saved myself a lot of heartache.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi, I’m in a situation whereby 90 percent of the things listed above exist in the relationship I’m having currently. I’m 29 year old male, and the lady I am dating has a child from another man, not born again, and she had miscarriage of my baby. I’m now in a dilema since I have no peace with the relationship.
(USA) Kgaogela, If you think you have no peace right now, I only wish you could get a glimpse into the turmoil you would be entering into with a woman you are not equally yoked with. It’s absolutely horrible! And then if you have children together, you push the turmoil into their lives, as well. It’s worse to be with someone you never should have married in the first place and spend the rest of your life together with her in pain, than to suffer the immediate pain of breaking up with her. The breaking away pain is difficult, but not as long-suffering if you heed the “red flags” and turn away and escape, to protect yourself and herself and any future children from that type of pain.
It appears that God is talking to your heart. He appears to be withdrawing His peace from you so you will wake up to the “red flags” that are waving, warning you not to continue on with this relationship. This “dilemma” will eventually fade away if you stop dating this woman and instead concentrate on your relationship with God and make the decision NOT to date someone with whom you would be unequally yoked with in life. That way your heart won’t intertwine with someone who you shouldn’t be with in any way as a future marriage partner. There are many wonderful Christ-followers out there who would be better spouse’s than someone who doesn’t share your values nor your love for God. I hope you will seriously pray about this and go the way that God would have you. You are being warned for a reason. Please don’t ignore His signals.
(USA) I know a young woman (25) who has been in a relationship for the past two years. Her boyfriend is 27 years old and still lives at home. He works with his dad in the Family Business. When they started dating, he had a place of his own but his family moved in a year later. Now that they have been together for two years, the topic of marriage is more common, especially with his family.
His dad is dominant. Marriage isn’t just one person, you marry into the family and you can’t change how they operate. Aside from the living situation, he does a lot for her and her family. He has a strong devout faith and respects her as a woman. How long should he be on his own before marriage? They are living a chaste relationship and they have dated for two years with the intent of marriage. Thoughts?
(USA) My boyfriend works at a restaurant and has fallen asleep at his friends house after work… I don’t think he’s cheating but just being disrespectful. What should I do? He already said he wouldn’t do it again.
(USA) I am thankful to come across this side… I am engaged to be married to a wonderful person who also is a Christian! But my question is: since 2011 (the end of the year) something happened. I do have to say that his life circumstances at the moment, had some rough and unhappy roads. So I will put all in consideration here. But why does he not like to mention that he is or I am his fiancé to all his other fb friends? I know it sounds a bit silly and maybe insecure.
There is also this nagging with myself. Why is he changing (granted, he says he loves me)? Yet more, as the days pass, those words and words to us, seem to lessen. What am I to do? God bless you, Brenda
Brenda, That “nagging” that is going on within you is something to pay attention to. Just because he’s a Christian, it doesn’t mean that things can’t go (or aren’t already be going) in a bad direction. God makes us aware of things through those unsettled feelings. They usually alert us to slow things down, pay better attention than ever before to something that could be happening that you need to realize and then do something about.
I encourage you to go into the “Facebook and Twitter Archive” topic and read the three articles at the bottom of the index that deals with the Internet. This is an issue you need to talk to your fiancé about NOW before you even consider marriage. If he’s already doing that which is unsettling on Facebook, you both need to discuss what the boundaries are, even get the book that Krafsky wrote to go through together, and figure out boundaries you BOTH feel comfortable with. The fact that he’s not bragging on you being his fiancé is disturbing. He should be happy and proud, NOT secretive or holding back –no matter WHAT is going on in his life.
Also, we have a search feature on the top right corner of the web site where I recommend you put the word “hedges” into it. You will find a lot of articles that will come up, which you can select from to read. Please, please, read through anything that nudges you as far as protecting your relationship from infidelity, protecting your marriage, and putting up protective hedges to help guard your relationship. NOW is the time to start talking about all of that and putting protective hedges in place.
Gary and Mona Shriver have a book titled “Unfaithful… Hope and Healing After Infidelity.” I realize that you and your fiancé are not married yet and it isn’t like you have caught him in an indiscretion yet, but one of the many helpful things they discuss in this book is what makes us vulnerable to having an affair. They write, “The fact is that very few of us start out to disrupt marital intimacy. Sometimes we simply fail to establish it. Sometimes we fail to maintain it. More often we fail to protect it. ‘It just happened’ is a common explanation for adultery. And it also exposes how little we understand the steps that got us there. When we have unresolved issues in the marriage, we make it easier to ‘just happen,’ and when we don’t have appropriate hedges in place we invite it to happen. … You have to admit your vulnerability before you can recognize the need for protective measures. Safety glasses were created because someone got hurt. Don’t let that someone be you or your spouse” … even though he is your fiancé, put some safety glasses on NOW, and others, as well, after (if) you marry.
Your fiancé might claim that you are being over-reactive and making a big deal out of nothing, but please, please don’t believe that. The nagging feeling you have is a poke, I believe you are receiving, from the Holy Spirit saying, “you have work to do. Do it now.” If your fiancé dismisses your feelings on this, or the importance of this, beware. This is what you could get in the future from him. Your feelings and intuitions are important –not to be dismissed. If he doesn’t love you enough now to put protective hedges up now, when you’ve expressed importance in it, what can you expect later? Trust me, it can get worse, MUCH worse!
Let me tell you, there isn’t a day that goes by that we don’t receive some type of email, comment, letter, or phone call from someone telling us that their spouse started sneaking around either soon after their wedding (sometimes on the honeymoon, or before), and sometimes during the engagement time, and they weren’t aware of it until later. Today alone, we received several. If your fiancé has things he wants to keep secret, or to himself, or between him and friends, and you aren’t a part of it in some way (even the positive mention of your name), there is REAL potential problems brewing. Marriage is about laying aside singleness and cleaving together. Christian or not, (we have pastors and missionaries, that this happens to, quite frequently) you can’t be too careful. NOW is the time to start working on protecting your relationship and honoring each other’s feelings and insecurities. If there is nothing to hide, nothing will be hidden.
And if your fiancé is taking you for granted now (because of “some rough and unhappy roads”) you need to set a precedence in learning how to draw closer to each other when times get tough –which I can assure you, they will. God is giving you a nudge as a warning. Pay attention. If you aren’t happy with the results of how your fiancé treats you and your feelings, then please don’t marry. It’s better to end this now, rather than wait until you are married and possibly have children, and even deeper feelings involved.
(USA) Thank so very much Cindy! I have to agreed on your Reply! In regard to all this, I also believe that the Holy Spirit will lead you to be careful and be aware before you will take that step!
In regard to Facebook and why he would not post that He is now Engaged. He mentiond once, about him being a private person. I could do that if I loved to … etc.. I was a bit irritated by those words.
When we speak… not always, but lately, within me I am crying because I can’t even so I would love to shake this off, that something is drawing his attenition from us!! He must realize his behavoiur, cause his words are telling me that he knows how unattentive he has become etc! If I am to be honest, I am hurt …maybe more so, that we both know for so long, have always looked for each other, years thru and found each other after years again. We both have known from the beginning that all others don’t matter anymore, etc. But I will most certainly look into your archives!
Please just pray (as well I will) to remain focused on Christ during all this. Thanks for your words again. Love, Brenda
(USA) Hi, I started dating my fiance in December of 2010. He was currently working as an EMT at the time. After a couple months of dating he started paramedic school and came to me explaining that he needed to quit his job because this was going to take up all of his time and asked that I help out financially as much as I could. So I did. A couple months after, he proposes to me in front of my entire family. I said yes.
He really is a great guy and loves the Lord and we now attend the same church together. After a few months I realized that he only had to attend school once a week and every other week was 2 days out of the week. I work a full time job and already have enough bills to pay and take care of myself, plus, now have to take care of him and save for a wedding.
I would get home from work and he would be over at my house playing video games, watching movies etc… I then had the courage to speak to him and tell him that I needed help financially and that he had more than enough time to get a job and help out. Its been almost 1 year that he has not been working. He is about to finish school next month. He is trying to look for a job but I find it disturbing that I had to tell him myself that he needs to work.
Last night he stated “I hate working, I want to invest in the future and hopefully not have to work.” It really bothered me, not the investing but the whole not working part. This is NOT what I need to be hearing right now. It scares me. He even complains about having to go to school the few days that he does. I spoke to him about it and told him that it scared me to hear him say that and he said that I need to trust him. He says that I need to have more faith in the Lord. Our wedding is set for January 2013. I am scared of marrying the man he is promising me to be. Shouldn’t he be showing me and proving to me now and not have to make promises? :(
(USA) God does also says that a man that does not support his family is WORSE than an unbeliever. (1 Timothy 5:8) You may want to rethink your opinion of how much he loves the Lord. If you two are having sex before marriage, you are guilty before God of fornication. We are expected to keep His Commandments.
Think carefully about marrying him, marriage ususally makes their bad points worse and consider your living arrangements. Sounds to me like you have a lazy rebellious teenager on your hands and he will drag you down with him. “Going to church doesn’t make a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.” Prayers for you. The Lord will return and I believe soon.
(USA) Lauren, God’s Word states that those who love the Lord will keep His commandments & the Lord’s commandments are not burdensome (1 John 5:10). You will also find in (2 Thessalonians 3:6-12), God’s Word commands and warns us against idleness. A godly man will pursue wise counsel and he will not let leisure take precedence over responsibility for himself and his (future) family. Please ask yourself and ask God how this union will bless and glorify Him.