We realize this is a totally different type of Marriage Insight than we usually send out to our subscribers. But we feel strongly that God is prompting us to do so. And who are we to argue with God? We believe it is because many of you are dealing with this issue. Or it could be that someone you know is dealing with this situation and it would be a marriage saving gesture to send it to help them. Here is the issue: What do you do when your spouse drinks too much and it is negatively affecting your lives together? Do you close your eyes to what’s going on? Do you keep hoping that someday he/she will finally wake up to the problems the drinking is causing?
Or maybe you yell and scream and try to shame him/her into stopping this behavior. The question is, how did that work for you? Has any of those methods helped to propel things forward in a positive way?
It could be that you have “done everything right” and yet you’re still fighting through this as a continual issue. This causes you to wonder how much longer you can hold out hoping things will change. You’re exhausted, confused, and don’t know what to do next.
Spouse Drinks: Excuses, Excuses
And then there are the excuses. You’ve probably heard a million of them! “A few drinks never hurts anybody.” “It’s my business—not yours.” Or maybe it’s: “I’ve tried to ‘get on the wagon’ of living without drinking, but every time I fall off” (and then they laugh as if that’s funny). But there’s nothing funny when a spouse drinks too much again and again and again. Despite their “best” efforts, the excuses just don’t hold up. So, yes:
“Alcoholics offer many excuses — ‘Drinking makes me feel better,’ ‘It calms me down,’ ‘I’m more fun when I’m drunk’ and more. But these explanations only skim the surface of the deeper issues that usually drive and fuel a drinking problem.” (Ashley Michael, from article titled “But I’ve Got Reasons“)
Promises, Promises: When a Spouse Drinks too Much
And what about the promises your spouse has made: “from this day forward things will be different”? (That is, if you’ve even received such promises!) Perhaps you can relate to the following comments a wife wrote concerning her husband who has a drinking problem:
“I couldn’t count the times Bob promised he would never drink again. It was completely frustrating. Bob would look me straight in the eye and tell me he’s done with bingeing. He’d say, ‘I’ve seen how it hurts you and the kids, and I’ve had it. I promise you that I’ll never do it again!’
“Then in a day or two he was dead drunk. I thought he was lying to me. How could he love me and lie so many times to my face? But he wasn’t lying. He couldn’t keep his promise. Bob thought he could whip this problem with willpower. It’s like trying to stop diarrhea by making up your mind to do so.” (From Focus on the Family article “If my husband drinks a lot but doesn’t get drunk, is he an alcoholic?“)
Good Intentions, But…
That’s not the most inviting word picture to think about, but it has some truth to it. Your spouse may have good intentions; but he/she is in a state of denial both mentally (not facing the truth) and physically (where the needs of the body deny him or her the ability to stop reaching for another drink).
It’s difficult to talk to someone who is in a continual state of denial, as well. That is why you often need help to know how to best work with the situation you have been handed.
It’s important to note that when you are dealing with a person who is a heavy drinker, you aren’t speaking to your spouse so much as you are the alcohol, he/she is using to cope with life in an unhealthy manner.
Wisdom Needed When Spouse Drinks Too Much
So, when you are dealing with this type of dysfunctional partner you truly need wisdom. You also need to get help from someone who isn’t so close to the situation and can give you objective advice.
“A comment I often have clients, with a dysfunctional partner, repeat back to me is: ‘Do not expect functional behavior from a dysfunctional person.’
“Learning to get our expectations in line with reality is a first step in dealing with reality. We are often the first person that needs a change of perspective. In therapy we call this ‘re-framing’ the situation.” (Delores Stone, Counselor)
Be Realistic
You also need to “get real” within yourself and with your spouse. To help you with this matter, read the following. These articles can set the stage to realistically deal with the truth of this issue. You may not think they pertain to you but read them anyway. Perhaps you can glean a few tips that can help you in this matter:
• GAMES ALCOHOLIC FAMILIES PLAY
So, in light of what’s been discussed so far, we’re going to give you a few tips that you could find helpful.
First:
“Don’t use the ‘A’ or the ‘D’ word. When it comes to confronting a person with an alcohol problem, one of the worst things you can do is call the individual an ‘alcoholic.’ For one, most problem drinkers are not alcoholics by the true definition of the word. Secondly, the stigma associated with the “A” word will most likely put your spouse immediately on the defensive and alienate them even more. Another word to avoid: denial. Accusing your spouse of being in denial will only breed resentment and contempt.
“Highlight the connection between the cocktails and the consequences. A sensitive yet effective way to approach the topic is to link your spouse’s drinking to the results of their behavior. For example, ‘You say you’ve been more tired than usual—that seems to have gotten worse since you started drinking more.’ Or, ‘You say you don’t have time to exercise; I noticed you’ve been skipping your exercise class to make time for going out for drinks.” (Robert Yagoda)
To read more that Robert writes on this issue (which we highly recommend) here’s a link to his insightful article:
• HOW TO HANDLE YOUR SPOUSE’S UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP WITH ALCOHOL
And then the following advice from author Angie Lewis, can also be helpful to keep in mind:
Detach With Love.
Be loving and supportive of the person you married, not the alcoholic. Don’t take any of the emotional garbage they dish out while drinking. Have you noticed how when your spouse drinks they start to berate you and want to start arguments? Don’t argue or fight back. Let them know you will not argue with them while they are drinking, period.
Above all, never allow the alcoholic to trespass against your spirit when they are playing one of their mind games. Walk away and close the door behind you. Go visit a friend, take a walk around the block, or put some earplugs in your ears. Your mental health is what helps the alcoholic the most. This is what detaching with love is all about. Detaching yourself from the disease is what helps the alcoholic see that he needs help.
To learn more read the following article written by Angie Lewis:
• Married to an Alcoholic: 7 Steps to Helping Them Get Sober
Alcoholism is a Family Disease.
Also, from Skyler Sage, realize that:
Substance abuse by a loved one affects the entire family. We also play our OWN part in the continuation and manifestation of the disease. Our marriage, our family, is like a mobile. Each of us has our own little piece of the delicately balanced structure. Every action on any of our parts shakes the mobile. Tenuous balance quickly becomes imbalanced, shaken up, disrupted. Our role as spouses, children, friends on this mobile is just as powerful as that of the alcoholic’s.
I believe this awareness is the first key in coping understanding that we play an equal part in the drama of living with an alcoholic. We are either part of the problem, or part of the solution with every word we speak, every secret we keep, every action we take, every action we avoid taking.
To read more, go to:
• Coping With an Alcoholic Spouse – Skyler Sage
From Melinda Cook, comes the following advice:
“If you are not in any danger, continue to encourage your spouse to get help. Do not make it seem as though you are lecturing them though, they will rebel and continue in their disastrous ways. Find a support group, go to Al-anon meetings, and learn all you can about addictions. When they are willing to admit they have a problem, find places they can turn to for help in getting better. Coping with an alcoholic spouse can tremendously take a toll on you and your family.”
And it can, as you know.
Also, if your spouse drinks too much:
Here are several additional helpful articles to read when a spouse drinks:
DO YOU LOVE AN ALCOHOLIC — Stop Rescuing (Pt 1)
DO YOU LOVE AN ALCOHOLIC — Setting Boundaries (Pt 2)
PREPARING FOR A STRUCTURED INTERVENTION
We realize we have given you A LOT of information to pray about and consider. We pray the Lord opens the doors of heaven and pours out His Spirit within you and your home. It is our prayer that He speaks powerfully to your spouse to access how much he or she drinks. Additionally, we pray that your spouse will do something about his or her drinking problem.
Helpful Organizations
To give you direction where you can get help when you or your spouse drinks too much, the following are a few helpful organizations you can contact. We realize that they are not available to help everyone in every country. But for some of you, they can definitely help you:
Also:
• Find Al-Anon Meetings Online
And:
We pray that God will use this article to help you and/or those you know and care about.
But no matter what you are going through, keep in mind:
“Even in the darkness light dawns for the upright…” (Psalm 112:4)
Cindy and Steve Wright
— ADDITIONALLY —
To help you further, we give a lot of personal stories, humor, and more practical tips in our book, 7 ESSENTIALS to Grow Your Marriage. We hope you will pick up a copy for yourself. (It’s available both electronically and in print form.) Plus, it can make a great gift for someone else. It gives you the opportunity to help them grow their marriage. And who doesn’t need that? Just click on the linked title or the picture below:
ALSO:
If you are not a subscriber to the Marriage Insights (emailed out weekly)
and you would like to receive them directly, click onto the following:
(USA) My husband is drinking every or almost every day… whenever he has chance, mostly at night, quitely by himself while watching TV, or worse working from home. Once he starts, he cannot stop and keep on making “packs” what he calls it: jack and coke and ice, until he is too wasted to walk. Recently he stopped putting coke, as per him gaining too much weight from it and just mixing wiskey and water. My question is: how do I make him get help. He is in denial that he has a problem and uses the most lame excuses for his behavior (I need to relax, I want to have fun, etc) I love him a lot, and I am worried that he will lose the job at some point and will eventually lose me. WE don’t have kids in common yet, and I am even scared to have one, of what example my husband will serve if he continues drinking. Need advice ASAP!
Natalie, You can’t MAKE anyone do anything. As much as I wish you could change your husband so he would stop, that is a choice he has to make. All I can advise is for you to re-read the article (with the articles linked to them) and look for any information you can glean from them –that which stands out as truth for your situation. This is the tough part of loving someone — sometimes they do things that we’re totally against, and it hurts us, especially. All you can do is pray, work on your own issues, use the information you can use, and hope that your husband will wake up and change his ways before it’s too late.
I lost a brother a while back from the side effects of drinking too much. I (along with my sister in law, who is now a young widow) would hate for this to happen to your husband and to you. It’s horrible. Your husband is playing with fire and he and you will get burned from this eventually if he doesn’t change his ways. I think you’re wise not to bring additional kids into this type of situation. It would effect them for all of their lives. Please know that my heart goes out to you and that I am praying for you and for your husband.
(USA) I have been married for 10 years now (I have a 19 year old from previous marriage; he has a 16 year old from a previous relationship and we have a 4 year old together). My husband is an alcoholic. When we were dating we would both have one or two on a dinner date (I would have 1 [or a soda] he would have 2 [beer or mixed drinks or both]). My comment was I still needed to be a parent when I got home.
As the relationship grew and I was over his house, more and more, I noticed he always had a case of beer in the fridge. Call me naive but I really assumed it was the same one. Once we were married, I found out his love for drugs was not in his past as he stated it was, and his drinking was more than I thought. I left (2 weeks after marriage). He promised it would stop (the drugs). I returned. I thought it stopped -it didn’t. I left, again. He promised never ever again. (I covered loopholes this time.) I returned. His drinking continued through all of this time, and I stopped as someone had to be the parent (and sober driver). Let me clairify I may have had up to 6 beers or drinks in any year. I am not a drinker and will never be. (When I was young my mom told me of an alcoholic great-grandfather, so I assumed the additive ‘gene’ was in the family and I wouldn’t let it ‘get me’.)
I have confronted him about his drinking and his comments are usually ‘I am not that drunk’, ‘I don’t get too drunk’ I need it to unwind, work is hard’ ‘I am just drinking socially or just trying to have a good time’. Well, I guess he is tired of hearing me talk about it so now he drinks during the day and stops before I get home (he works from home). He hides the empties in the cellar, where he thinks I wouldn’t find them (well I look, especially when he has an ‘attitude’ and then goes right to bed.
Now 10 years into this… I am tired of walking on eggshells to keep his mood happy. I am tired of making excuses for his behavior. I wish someone else (his side of family) would see that he has lost control, but since they are all drinkers that will never happen. My side of family doesn’t drink, so he cares less on what they think. I am tired of leaving, believing, and counseling (me only). I just wish he could be the man I thought he was.
(UNITED KINGDOM) I’ve been with my husband since I was a teenager; we have been married for 5 years. Since March of this year, my husband changed jobs and started drinking very often after work. He does shift work and usually doesn’t finish work until 11 pm but he stays out until as late as 5:30 am even when he has to be back at work at 7 am.
He thinks that since he finishes work late he needs to “wind down,” so staying till whenever he likes in his eyes is ok.
I work normal hours and am home almost every evening alone. Then when he doesn’t come home I find myself awake in bed waiting to hear him put the keys in the front door. I worry that he will start an argument with someone and get into a fight or fall of his bicycle on his way home as he rides home drunk. He has already been knocked off his bike twice when drunk.
When I was a teenager I woke up after midnight and he wasn’t home. I was so worried so I drove to his work and found out that he had been caught by the police for drinking and driving; I spent all the early hours of the morning at the police station waiting for him to be released. I’m so hurt by his drinking, he too is the guy I dread taking to an event, wedding or birthday party as he doesn’t know when to stop. He will drink till the last man is standing then talk rubbish and be rude towards me.
Then when we get behind closed doors, the rudeness level increases and I’m expected to take it because the morning after he wakes up and says sorry and thinks it’s enough and I usually forgive and move on. I’m so over him relying on me to wake up in the morning and forget about his misbehavior. It breaks my heart. It is making me hate him; yesterday after a million promises last week and every week prior to “turn over a new leaf” he went out for a few beers. We had a date night planned and when I got home he was passed out. Obviously, no date that evening and he has no idea why I have drawn the line and said I want to get a divorce. He thinks he just had a few beers with a friend and I’m being unreasonable.
Am I being uneasonable to think that this husband should really try turning a new leaf and holding back on the beer to have a date night with me? The last few months have been the worst of our relationship causing me to consider it ending.
We were planning to start trying for a baby but I just can’t think about having a life in the future with this man when he cannot even make an honest attempt to give up beer when I have asked him to.
He doesn’t see a problem and thinks I want to cause this drama. This drama is breaking my heart, I’m not even 30 and I often think lately how I want a man who wants nothing but me and would give up anything for me. Someone tell me how I can deal with my husband who is in denial. I cannot think or plan my future with this man I’ve been with for nearly half my life! It makes me so sad inside. I’m sick of the tears.
(USA) My husband has had a drinking problem for many years. About 5 years ago he had his yearly physical and the doctor told him (I was there) you are killing yourself by drinking. If you continue to drink the next time I see you will be in the morgue. He stopped for a while with the help of some anti depressants but as soon as he did his blood work and had normal liver counts, he would start sneaking the beers. He hides it and when I catch him. Or when I find the cans laying around he looks right at me and lies about it. The lies are hurting me because I always thought we had a trusting relationship.
I am at the point where I think ending our marrage is the only answer. I have tried everything including confrontation, counseling and nothing seems to work. He always tries to put the blame on me; it’s crazy. I know this is a disease but he refusses to get help and I am at my wits end.
(U.S.A.) My wife of 4 years is an alcoholic. It runs in her family. Nobody in my family even drinks. I cheated on her before we were married and she says this is why shes an alcoholic. This probably isn’t true but I still feel tremendous guilt. She didn’t find out until after we were married. I work a 12 hr swing shift, which keeps me at work from 5 to 5 at night, and every other weekend. She isnt the type to go out and look to cheat. But she is in a bar 3 to 4 times a week. Usually til early in the morning and this kills me.
I hate it when she’s drunk. She’s always the life of the party and guys must wonder why this girl is by herself or a girlfriend or 2 –someone all the time late and drunk. Her family has told ne they realize she needs help but then they just hope she magically gets better. And they enable and enable. She tells me she will get help and knows it has ruined her life but is drinking the next day. She bartends and plays pool leagues and always has a reason to be at a bar. She doesn’t call me when she’s out drinking and lies about how long she’ll be out.
I’m at a breaking point. I feel like I’m going crazy. I care about her deeply but can’t deal with this. I feel like she has no empathy for me. I’m probably insecure but I doubt this is normal activity for a wife. We have no kids and are in our mid 30s and she says she has no reason to stay home. But I’d have to be an idiot to think kids would help us and not make things worse. On top of all this I’m a pothead, but can still be productive and go to work. Hard to tell her to stop when I can’t. I feel like I’m trapped and I know I’m no where near unblameable. Any advice???
(USA) This site brings some comfort realizing that I am not alone or the only one that is called all the horrific names and things a person can be called by a spouse that took me to be joined as one. I am 46 years old. I have a 20 year old son and a 9 year old daughter. I have been married for so long that I lost count –not because of the years, but because of the loss of celebrating anniversaries, spending holidays, our children’s birthdays, even family vacations alone. Well, apart from my husband and their father.
I started to believe that I might be everything that he has said I am, the very reason he is the way he is and the reason he drinks, takes morphine, percocet, soma, and valium that are legally prescribed to him monthly. I called his doctor, and his drug dealer. His medical reports from this doctor have been sealed from me, which made me more bitter and angry because I am the wife and partner. There’s no sealing of anything except our vows, so I thought. I am past what most of what everyone has described –the sadness, the doing of everything without the slightest of appreciation (however, when he does work, which is very few and far between throughout our lives together) he says he always works his but off for me. I give up with my once rebuttal, “what about all the years I have and continue to work? I never just do it for you, but our family.”
He acts like he resents working or worse, the fact that he had to do it for me! Not our children or the fact that without us he would still have to work somewhere for himself. Now his “visits” to detox are more frequent and closer together as he is 50 and knows that he is pushing it. But he can’t seem to do the 12 steps or follow through as he knows everything. His sarcasm in the beginning was taken as a joke and cute, but now it’s cruel and mean and my son just now is feeling able to voice his feelings toward his father, although in anger. My son tells him that he has no right trying to tell him what to do because he was never around. My husband gets so angry with him. All I can do is be quiet. I understand my son’s feelings, but my husband says that I am taking my son’s side. My side is that we should be able to voice how he has made us feel if we are asked, but he doesn’t like the answers given, because he is angry with himself.
My husband calls me so many names and then I get angry and start throwing up things that he has done or did. At the beginning of him starting an argument, which is him only searching for a reason to leave and get drunk and high, of course, he blames it on me. He has to get away from me because he doesn’t want to argue and listen to me, according to him, and he will say this to our children as they’re begging him not to leave because he may be gone for a few hours or months. We never know. “YOU KNOW WHAT A -SHE IS AND YOU KNOW I CAN’T ARGUE OR LISTEN TO HER.” But the arguments usually start with him trying to whisper in my ear, pulling me by the head and throat to his mouth, with his face red, eyes filled with hate and fire, and calling me the most horrible names that he can think that will push my buttons. The reason he pulls me near is because he thinks our children can’t see or hear. Our children love him, but they never know when he’s going to be a dad. The know he is their father and blames their feelings of sadness and fear on him leaving me.
He says that I tell them to hate him. He acts like his faults are invisible to their eyes. His last few visits to detox I have learned that he has learned a new art of picking up younger (1 or 2 years older than our son) “women” and preying on their battles with addiction. I learned from another young woman that I found him at her apartment that she had been in Detox with him and he supposedly went to her apt. to see if she had any needles. The term she uses for needles was new to me, until she explained and thought I was going to faint. He puller out of her apt. as we followed behind. But instead of following him “home” we followed him straight to his mother’s. He had some clothes in the vehicle. We watched him remove them. He has been there for 2 months now. His new thing, I guess is shooting up Morphine. I’m afraid of Hepatitis C, etc… and that is only one fear, also that he is going to die alone in a room that his mother refers to as the cave. She doesn’t check on him until the evening and tells him good night. However, she isn’t the most honest person in the world either. She loves the drama but hates cleaning up after him and the all the burns and things he breaks on a journey to the bathroom.
The last time he went to detox he was so horrible that he lost all control of his bowels and urine. This site is bittersweet with the comfort of knowing we are not alone, but the fear and sadness that we are not alone.
I do have similar problems, the only diference is that my husband never went for any professional help and never will because he thinks no one knows anything better than him. He is such an abuser and calls me bulling him and verbal abuser him when I try to talk about and make him go look for a professional. I wish we lived closer so we could exchange ideas. I’m horrified by all this; we separated 3 times and this is my last chance w him. Worse, everyone in family and friends loves him; he fakes so good to everyone even my kids but no one knows him really. I hope we have happy end for this.
Reading your story made me tear up… There’s a lot that my husband does from your story. It’s been 3 years since you posted this. I hope it’s been resolved with this alcoholic problem with your husband.
(USA) I have a husband that comes from a long line of alcoholics. He has a pattern of drinking but sometimes will do things that don’t fit into that pattern. So he’s unpredictable. It rules my life. We have been married for 41 years and it has gotten worse with age. I feel I have no life and I am too old and tired to leave so I endure with resentment and hate at times.
I don’t know what to do. I have prayed, gone to alanon and try to stay positive. When he is sober he’s great but as soon as he starts he’s horrible. He isn’t abusive physically but emotionally he just isn’t there for me. I have become frozen and lost all interest in life as time goes by. I don’t wish he would die, but sometimes I wish I would. I don’t know what to expect from him at any given time so I have given up on planning anything and therefore have no life. How can you go about your business when your mind is totally consumed by an alcoholic. I don’t drink much so I am an observer.
(AUSTRALIA) OH MY GOD!!! Reading everyone’s comments make’s me feel I have no hope. I’m in my second marriage and my current husband drinks all the time as well. But he’s never hit me, only blame’s everything on my two children from my first marriage. He also has 2 children of his own but my kids are the bad one’s because they’re lazy. I’ve had enough of his drinking. We’ve been trying to have a baby for 2.5 yrs now and I now know it’s never going to happen as we both are in our mid 40’s. I blame him for that, due to his drinking and lots of it.
I’m so glad we have this web page to chat with other ladies in the world about the same problems. But to read everyone’s comments, it’s like we don’t have much of a chance with our husbands… Why? Do women need to suffer so much?
Hi Maria, Trust me, there are lots and lots of wives who are the abusers of alcohol too. It’s not just husbands. Prayerfully, your husband will wake up before it’s too late and hate what he is doing and will change. It’s not hopeless, unless the offending spouse keeps making the choice to do that which is hurting your marriage.
Honestly, I wouldn’t try to have a baby unless I had a good home in which to raise him or her –and with alcohol taking control of your husband, I’m not thinking this is a healthy environment to bring a baby into. You both have 2 children who are having to witness and live in this problematic home life… I would just concentrate on helping the children I have and leave it at that, unless things change drastically for the better, as far as the drinking. And I’m not talking about a day or so, or a week or a month or so, here or there, but a consistent pattern of having a healthier home life for you and for your children and any other child you may bring into the world. I’m not trying to be negative here, just realistic. It is what it is. You can’t change your husband –he needs to do that. But you can do your part in trying to bring healthiness into your children’s lives and living yours as best as you can. I hope you are able to do so. I pray for wisdom for you, Maria.
(USA) I’ve read through this material with mixed emotions. My partner of over 10 years is an alcoholic. We both have grown children, but no children together, although he was a very big part of my children and grandchildren’s lives. We never married because I was hesitant to commit because I was scared of his drinking. Over the past few years his drinking became progressively worse and his tolerance less and less, to the point where only a couple of beers made him appear and act drunk. He was up at the corner bar 4-5 nights a week.
I am not a screamer, I didn’t get angry, I didn’t threaten or shame him, or plead with him to change. We had many rational discussions about his drinking. He always said he wanted to drink less, but would not own up to it being out of control, or even a problem. He tried to quit many times, many different ways, but nothing lasting more than a couple of weeks. I began attending al-anon meetings and really made an effort to “detach with love.” When he was sober, I was his best friend, his lover… we truly were soul mates and had a wonderful relationship, we were very in sync with one another emotionally, liked to do the same things and genuinely enjoyed each other’s company. We traveled, we did things and went places, we had friends and spent a lot of time with our families. Although we disagreed now and then, we rarely argued or fought about anything. But when he came home drunk, it was a different story… fortunately he was not a mean drunk and really didn’t even try to pick fights very often as usually he was mentally checked out and in a stupor when he came through the door. I began sleeping in the guest bedroom when he came home drunk. I didn’t wait up for him and most nights I was asleep before he even came home. This made him angry, although he rarely said anything. My intention was to not enable, to make it clear that this behavior was unacceptable to me, and that I was not going to let his drinking control me or my life. I had hoped that he would come to see that there were consequences for his drinking.
Things hit a bump in the road though. After about a year of me sleeping in the guest room when he was drunk, he stopped coming home at night when he was very drunk and I found out he had taken up with another woman. I was very frustrated because everything I was working so hard to accomplish was being negated by this other woman. It wasn’t as if he had given her a story, she was very aware he was in a relationship. I spoke with her one day and explained the drinking. I told her that if she really cared about him, she would stop enabling him, stop rescuing him and stop giving him a place to go where there was no accountability or consequences. She told me I was the reason he drank and that I simply did not understand their relationship. Of course, I didn’t buy this.
He insisted he did not love her, he did not want to be with her and that it was just a situation that had gotten out of hand, although he did throw in that since I wouldn’t sleep with him, he found somebody else who would. I gave him an ultimatum and told him that if he was going to continue seeing her, I was going to leave. He apologized profusely and seemed genuinely sorry. He did stop seeing her for a couple of years, but then it started back up (didn’t help that they worked together). So about a year ago I left him out of respect for myself. Of course, the girlfriend moved right in, convinced that she had “won.” I still don’t think she gets it. They now hang out at the bar together and he is drinking more than ever (so much for me being the reason for his drinking).
Although I know I shouldn’t, I worry about him, his health, his quality of life… and in many ways, I miss him, the “him” he was when he was sober. Sometimes I catch myself thinking that if I hadn’t detached, if I had just continued to be a doormat for the drunken him, I’d still be there with him –although I would have the bad times, I would also have the good times. Other times I ride a roller coaster between “good riddance, now I can live my life” and “he will one day realize what he threw away and come back.” Most days I just wonder if it will ever stop hurting and I will ever be normal again. Alcoholism stinks.
(USA) Joy, I am so proud of you for making the decision to leave. I know it must have been tough. Be strong, read your bible, and be encouraged that you made the right decision. God knows you and will help you deal with your hurt.
Alcoholism kills relationship, family and friend. It is a disease and it’s like there is no cure for cancer. Once you are alcoholic, always will be alcoholic for rest of your life.
I have an alcoholic husband and I really don’t have time for him. Nothing will fix him any good. Arguments or fighting won’t help him heal or help him to quit drinking either. He is an alcoholic period.
I mind my own business everyday and I am busy thinking about myself everyday. Yes, I am considering a divorce on it’s way. I don’t drink and it is not my type thing to do.
(UK) I think my husband drinks too much but am not sure if I am making a bigger deal than it is and was hoping for your opinion.
My husband doesn’t drink everyday but is a social binge drinker. If it’s just the 2 of us we drink in moderation but probably also because that is where I draw the limit. We live in London and everytime he goes out for drinks with his colleagues, he comes back drunk. When we go out with friends or have them around at ours, he usually drinks faster than the rest of us (bar one or 2 other friends). The level of tipsy to drunk is really dependent on how long the night lasts! And the further it goes into the wee hours, the more drunk he becomes to the point he puked in the cab and had some on his coat!!!
He denies he drinks too much or has a problem. He says he works hard so he’s entitled to enjoy his drink. When entertaining at home, he always serves too much alcohol. Even if everyone said they had enough, he keeps topping up glasses so we always end up throwing good wine away but of course he would drink his glass. When we are out he keeps over ordering wine or buying shots no one wants to drink. We joke about it all the time about how he always arrives with the shots but it’s no longer funny to me. We’ve been together for 10 years. We met as students and his drinking has gradually increased over the years to a point I am now concerned. Everytime I discuss reducing the amount he drinks (like new years resolution time), he never sees the need to reduce his alcohol intake.
He is a very happy and jovial drunk so I’ve never had any incidence of physical or verbal abuse or fights. He is otherwise a very good husband and honestly the best guy I know. He’s generous with everyone, a good provider, very patient and loving with me (God knows I have many flaws), loved by his boss and colleagues and is good at what be does so I can’t really complain. It’s hard to explain as this issue has gradually crept up. It’s almost like a person who started out skinny and eats a lot. At first it is ok because he could use some extra weight, then once you past average the lines between fat and obese and morbidly obese are not entirely clear. His alcohol intake is something like eating too much. I don’t want him to reach obesity if that makes sense?
Am I making a mountain out of a molehill or does he have a problem? He vehemently denies having a problem. Tonight we were out for dinner with friends, he said he was just tipsy but on the way home he hugged a random guy in the tube who came up and chatted with him and didn’t remember when I asked him about it when we arrived home. I persuaded our friends to cut the night short because if it went on we would have adjourned to a club where more drinks would have been consumed.
I’m not sure how this works and I notice that you posted this a year and a half ago, but my issue sounds very similar and I would live to know what advice you received and how it worked.
My story also sounds very similar. My husband drinks a lot socially and also when he attends business conferences; that really worries me b/c I’m not always at those. He’s also a very friendly drunk, so never abusive or mean. We’re always saying we want to be good Christian examples, but it’s hard when he drinks so much out with neighbors and friends. Any good advice you got?
Yes I would love prayer. My husband has really only been a social drinker but over many years to excess. He lost his medical career over this issue, which happened to not be social in nature. Over the past 5 years he has done very well with cutting way back and really haven’t had many issues. My biggest problem is that at one time he said if he drank more than two drinks he would go to AA. He basically has told me he’d lie to me rather than upset me at this point.
Last night he went to a sports function and when he came home I could tell that he had a little more than two. He told me he had 2 1/2 and I said you broke your word. He then tried to pick a fight, which I didn’t engage in. I don’t feel that close to him as I’ve been hurt over this for the majority of our marriage and we are 30 years married this year. My mother was an alcoholic and my first husband also.
I pray for the Lord to teach me to love him as He does… and I realize on this earth that will never happen as no one can truly love like that. I’d like to know how to pray for my feelings towards him. I just don’t feel close to him a lot of the time, especially when this type of thing happens. Maybe a book recommendation would be helpful besides the Bible. Also, when I read these other comments, I realize my issue seems small in nature but to me it isn’t. The pain has run deep… I quit drinking about 4 years ago, which helped the situation greatly. Now I’m not a part of the problem in that way.
Something that helped me was to quit drinking with my husband. That made him cut way back on the drinking because he longer had someone to blame. At times he would say, “well you had a few drinks” and that was enough for me to say “no more”. Not sure if this is helpful or not.
(UK) I am too embarrassed to tell anyone about my husband’s weekend drinking habits. So I am taking the opportunity to just get it all out here. My husband does not really drink during the weekdays but usually at least once per week he goes out with friends (he is 29 years old). He never comes back until the last bar has closed and at that point he is so drunk I wonder how his body can even function.
I am usually worried every time he goes out because I know exactly how it is going to end. I am also worried he will hurt somebody or himself. When he comes home, he is very loud and annoying. He will kick the door to our bedroom in, and start talking loudly to me about weird stuff that does not make much sense.
His actions are violent, and he kicks and hits but not really to hurt me. It is more like he is joking about it. I never got any bruises or anything like that. His behavior is very scary though and I do feel a bit threatened. He also starts throwing things around in our apartment for no reason other than he is drunk and that he has a pretty angry personality. He occasionally gets into fights when he is out, so I am also worrying a lot if something serious will happen to him or others. I do not think his friends see a problem with his behavior and I think he usually behaves better while out and take most of his anger out on me when he comes home.
The worst part is probably the things he says to me. However, I am so used to it now it does not bother me as much as it used to. I try to just not listen. During the first years when we were together, I would start arguing with him but obviously there is no point in arguing with a drunk person.
Now, when he comes home my only goal is to try to get him to sleep which is really hard. I almost wish he was the person who would just pass out when he is drunk but the opposite happens. He is wide awake and it usually takes at least an hour before I can get him to sleep. I have told him so many times I will leave him if he does not stop drinking. He does feel a bit sorry and embarrassed the next day but he says he can’t remember anything so it is hard for him to really feel that it’s a problem.
Sometimes, when his actions and behavior is really bad I can get him to not drink for about a month or so. But then he usually misses hanging out with his friends. Apparently the only thing they do is drinking in bars. I try to encourage him to play soccer, or go to the movies instead but they always end up going to a bar afterwards anyway.
The only reason I can live with it, is because it ‘only’ happens a couple of times per month. But I love him less every time he does it and hatred starts growing bigger inside me. Actually, the same old story happened this morning. After the usual trouble, he fell asleep and I left the apartment as quickly as possible. I could not possibly leave before he fell asleep because I know for sure he would make a scene that would wake up all our neighbors. Once I did, he took his car and drove naked out to look for me (yes, still drunk as h…). Of course, he did not remember when I told him about the car incident. Probably one of the craziest things he has done.
I know he will hate to wake up and find that I am not there and I want him to feel frustrated. I am going to stay away for as long as I can find something to do today. I am now writing this post from a nearby cafe. Apart from this plan, however, I do not know what to do. He treats me very well when he is sober despite his angry personality and occasional anger outbursts. When we are face to face again, I know he will ask me “What happened?” and be back to his usual mostly sweet and loving person. I am really tired now. He makes me tired.
Wow, so sorry for you. I have same situation too. This is my third try with my almost 30-yr marriage. He thinks I’m a boring person and I make him do all the wrongs things like having affair, lying to me; all the time I just want get out of this situation that I put myself in. It’s only my fault.
(CANADA) I am also with a husband who is an abusive drunk… and step kids who push drinking with him. They’re adults and think I’m the problem and that his drinking is ok, including all the drunk driving they do. I’m so fed up with this week after week. I find him selfish. I don’t see this as a disease, which has conveniently been given to them like a cancer diagnosis; it is something they choose to do because they can’t function with normal people. I actually am to the point of hating him; he ruins everything around him… for what? A drunk night with deadbeats, just like him.
(USA) I am twenty eight. I have two beautiful and sweet daughters but I also have a same age husband that prefers alcohol to family time. He is the only one working in our family and works 40 hours a week from 7-3:30. When he comes home he begins drinking. I have requested weekends, waiting until the kids go to bed, etc., but it’s not that easy. Monday through Friday it could be a six pack of tall boys or a twelve pack depending on his mood. I think it would be ok if it wasn’t EVERY night but unfortunately it is. Weekends he can go through a thirty pack a day unless I get lucky.
I have tried to talk to him but listening when he is drinking is not gonna happen. If I refuse to go get more beer for him he will her in his vehicle and go himself only making things worse. I have locked myself in the room numerous times to avoid any fights with him. I no longer know what to do in the situation. His dad is the same way, except he doesn’t work at all and is drinking from 5 am until he eventually passes out. I don’t want him like his dad. He has mad over enough promises to either slow down or quit drinking because he knows it hurts our relationship. I sometimes don’t know what to do or how to act and our communication is decreasing the more this issue is occurring. God be with all of his children going through this.
(AUSTRALIA) This is the first time I have ever written on a discussion website but it is now 3:30 in the morning and I can’t sleep. My husband and I have only been married for 2.5 years, but have known each other since high school. I always knew of his drinking habits but deep down there was always a hope that he may change, grow up (he is 41!) or realise that his drinking habits were unhealthy. He needs to drink everyday –at least 6 beers after work, and on weekends he could consume at least a dozen or so each day if not more Saturday and Sunday. If he or somebody brings a bottle of wine in the house, he is not satisfied until it is all gone.
We have a son together who is now nearly 2. I never drink now, as there is no way I could possibly function with a busy boy running around. I have now come to the point that I am so over it, because not only does he fall asleep early and I am left on my own for the evening after being on my own for most of the day, he doesn’t seem to get the expense of his habit and how that money could be spent or saved elsewhere. There is nothing more frustrating than seeing money literally being peed down the toilet or in his case, over the floor. My family can see what is happening. For so long I have been defending him… but I can no longer deny his problems because it is effecting my happiness, my health and in turn our marriage.
Before we were married he lived with his Mum and she too was always frustrated with his drinking. I think that she also hoped he may change with marriage and children but time is ticking away and it is the same old story. I have bailed him out financially since we have been together because I couldn’t bear him paying so much interest on credit debt, and paid all the bills when he was unable to find employment for nearly 12 months, but he still drank that whole time.
Anyway, I have been stewing away inside for a long time –no wonder my blood pressure is high. I have asked him for a long while now to please cut back etc, without the whole wanting to nag him, but there alway seems to be some excuse and I am so over it. Mentally I have been packing my bags because I have been in a similar relationship before and life is too short to be unhappy for the sake of others. I have no hesitation in going, as I do not want our son thinking that what Dad does is acceptable on any level. He is a good man and a great father, and because he still looks reasonably fit and healthy, he doesn’t seem to get that on the inside it must be eating him away. He always gets up for work and functions well throughout the day… but beer o clock is always at the back of his mind.
Unfortunately the whole “tradesman/beer/pub” mentality is so socially acceptable that it must be killing so many relationships –not just ours. His father passed away at the age of 57. He also enjoyed a drink but I believe that other issues lead to his passing. I know that his father would have loved to know his son’s son… maybe this is an underlying issue that needs addressing somewhere down the track. Anyway, hopefully with these issues out in the open, he hopefully will come to his senses before it is too late.
(UNITED STATES) I just ready many of the posts on this blog. Even though I am very hurt to know that so many Christians are in the same situation that I am in, I am also comforted that I am not alone. I wanted to reply to every single post and give you all a group (((HUG)))
I have been married for 17 years this time around. I attract addicts unfortunately. My first husband was an addict and I left him. I ended up with another addict. I knew it full well before I ever even married him but I just wanted to “help” him and his children. I have two boys, one from he first and one from the 2nd. My husband is actually a drug addict. He does everything. He smokes cigarettes too. I abstain from everything. I cannot stand drugs or alcohol and despise what it does to people even the second hand effects.
Even though I am still married to my husband, We have not lived together for 7 years now. This being our latest separation. I have remained alone and have not dated or even looked at another man. Part of the reason because it is my second marriage and I know what the Bible has to say about marriage, divorce and remarriage. Second because I’m afraid of falling in to it again. Third because of my children. They are grown now. My first is married and I am going to be a grandmother. my second is 15 and he is a God honoring, God fearing young man. I have ignored my husband’s problem all these years. I have seen him through the years he spends time with the kids when he is not in rehab or in jail. He lives with his parents. He cannot live alone. He is like a small child who cannot handle life, never has been able too.
Just recently 2 summers ago, he asked me to come stay with us to be with his son. He asked me to give him another chance. I did; he stayed here 9 months and I insisted that we kept it platonic and work on our issues and work through all the past pain and hurt. It was hard at first. It got easier. Just when I was ready to open up intimatley and become vulnerable again he messed up and I found out he had been using in little amounts for weeks. Of course it’s not simple as that, nothing is. It is much more complicated but I had him leave.
Just recently, about a year after the last incident I decided to give him another try. He had worked through some of his legal issues and bought a vehicle for the first time in over 5 years with a mandatory breathalizer installed in it. I thought that would help him stay sober but he was not working any kind of recovery plan. My support has always been the church. That is where my children and I get all of our support. Well, we tried him coming on weekends for about 4 months and I pushed myself to be intimate despite the fact I was not ready for that but I thought maybe just maybe that will do the trick. It did not. 2 weekends ago he was over for the weekend, said he felt sick and without telling anyone a word he left got a motel and started binging. I have said all that to say this… No matter what you do it does not get easier. I have left him so many times. In 18 years of marriage we have been living together a total of about 8 years and they have been broken up 3 years here 2 years there and another year over there.
Nothing phases him. No matter what I do or how I do it and I have done everything, the intervention, the counseling, the alanon, the separation, giving him intimacy, I cannot do anything, only he can. I just hang on to God. I thank him every day that my children are in his ways. I stay sane and healthy for them and my grandchildren coming. I refuse to live in a house with a person that chooses drugs and alcohol over the family. It’s not easy, it’s hard to be a single mom to two boys, it’s hard to be angry and bitter sometimes, it’s hard to be lonely but God will be there for you no matter what you do.
Remember always, you cannot change the person or do anything to make them change, the person does not drink because of you! It’s not your fault. Don’t take responsibilities for their actions. IT is their actions. I know you are one… that is what hurts the most. When you got married you became one, everything they do hurts you. That is our cross… the thorn on our side. Give it to God daily, stay in his word stay in fellowship, and pray for your spouse when you can. Try to do it as often as possible. Don’t be ashamed to talk to others about your issues. It will help you to talk to people you confide in but do not talk about it too much… it will drain you and rob you of your time. Focus on God, you and your family and you will get through this. Your spouse will have to shift the focus to God to get through this too. Pray for that.