We realize this is a totally different type of Marriage Insight than we usually send out to our subscribers. But we feel strongly that God is prompting us to do so. And who are we to argue with God? We believe it is because many of you are dealing with this issue. Or it could be that someone you know is dealing with this situation and it would be a marriage saving gesture to send it to help them. Here is the issue: What do you do when your spouse drinks too much and it is negatively affecting your lives together? Do you close your eyes to what’s going on? Do you keep hoping that someday he/she will finally wake up to the problems the drinking is causing?
Or maybe you yell and scream and try to shame him/her into stopping this behavior. The question is, how did that work for you? Has any of those methods helped to propel things forward in a positive way?
It could be that you have “done everything right” and yet you’re still fighting through this as a continual issue. This causes you to wonder how much longer you can hold out hoping things will change. You’re exhausted, confused, and don’t know what to do next.
Spouse Drinks: Excuses, Excuses
And then there are the excuses. You’ve probably heard a million of them! “A few drinks never hurts anybody.” “It’s my business—not yours.” Or maybe it’s: “I’ve tried to ‘get on the wagon’ of living without drinking, but every time I fall off” (and then they laugh as if that’s funny). But there’s nothing funny when a spouse drinks too much again and again and again. Despite their “best” efforts, the excuses just don’t hold up. So, yes:
“Alcoholics offer many excuses — ‘Drinking makes me feel better,’ ‘It calms me down,’ ‘I’m more fun when I’m drunk’ and more. But these explanations only skim the surface of the deeper issues that usually drive and fuel a drinking problem.” (Ashley Michael, from article titled “But I’ve Got Reasons“)
Promises, Promises: When a Spouse Drinks too Much
And what about the promises your spouse has made: “from this day forward things will be different”? (That is, if you’ve even received such promises!) Perhaps you can relate to the following comments a wife wrote concerning her husband who has a drinking problem:
“I couldn’t count the times Bob promised he would never drink again. It was completely frustrating. Bob would look me straight in the eye and tell me he’s done with bingeing. He’d say, ‘I’ve seen how it hurts you and the kids, and I’ve had it. I promise you that I’ll never do it again!’
“Then in a day or two he was dead drunk. I thought he was lying to me. How could he love me and lie so many times to my face? But he wasn’t lying. He couldn’t keep his promise. Bob thought he could whip this problem with willpower. It’s like trying to stop diarrhea by making up your mind to do so.” (From Focus on the Family article “If my husband drinks a lot but doesn’t get drunk, is he an alcoholic?“)
Good Intentions, But…
That’s not the most inviting word picture to think about, but it has some truth to it. Your spouse may have good intentions; but he/she is in a state of denial both mentally (not facing the truth) and physically (where the needs of the body deny him or her the ability to stop reaching for another drink).
It’s difficult to talk to someone who is in a continual state of denial, as well. That is why you often need help to know how to best work with the situation you have been handed.
It’s important to note that when you are dealing with a person who is a heavy drinker, you aren’t speaking to your spouse so much as you are the alcohol, he/she is using to cope with life in an unhealthy manner.
Wisdom Needed When Spouse Drinks Too Much
So, when you are dealing with this type of dysfunctional partner you truly need wisdom. You also need to get help from someone who isn’t so close to the situation and can give you objective advice.
“A comment I often have clients, with a dysfunctional partner, repeat back to me is: ‘Do not expect functional behavior from a dysfunctional person.’
“Learning to get our expectations in line with reality is a first step in dealing with reality. We are often the first person that needs a change of perspective. In therapy we call this ‘re-framing’ the situation.” (Delores Stone, Counselor)
Be Realistic
You also need to “get real” within yourself and with your spouse. To help you with this matter, read the following. These articles can set the stage to realistically deal with the truth of this issue. You may not think they pertain to you but read them anyway. Perhaps you can glean a few tips that can help you in this matter:
• GAMES ALCOHOLIC FAMILIES PLAY
So, in light of what’s been discussed so far, we’re going to give you a few tips that you could find helpful.
First:
“Don’t use the ‘A’ or the ‘D’ word. When it comes to confronting a person with an alcohol problem, one of the worst things you can do is call the individual an ‘alcoholic.’ For one, most problem drinkers are not alcoholics by the true definition of the word. Secondly, the stigma associated with the “A” word will most likely put your spouse immediately on the defensive and alienate them even more. Another word to avoid: denial. Accusing your spouse of being in denial will only breed resentment and contempt.
“Highlight the connection between the cocktails and the consequences. A sensitive yet effective way to approach the topic is to link your spouse’s drinking to the results of their behavior. For example, ‘You say you’ve been more tired than usual—that seems to have gotten worse since you started drinking more.’ Or, ‘You say you don’t have time to exercise; I noticed you’ve been skipping your exercise class to make time for going out for drinks.” (Robert Yagoda)
To read more that Robert writes on this issue (which we highly recommend) here’s a link to his insightful article:
• HOW TO HANDLE YOUR SPOUSE’S UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP WITH ALCOHOL
And then the following advice from author Angie Lewis, can also be helpful to keep in mind:
Detach With Love.
Be loving and supportive of the person you married, not the alcoholic. Don’t take any of the emotional garbage they dish out while drinking. Have you noticed how when your spouse drinks they start to berate you and want to start arguments? Don’t argue or fight back. Let them know you will not argue with them while they are drinking, period.
Above all, never allow the alcoholic to trespass against your spirit when they are playing one of their mind games. Walk away and close the door behind you. Go visit a friend, take a walk around the block, or put some earplugs in your ears. Your mental health is what helps the alcoholic the most. This is what detaching with love is all about. Detaching yourself from the disease is what helps the alcoholic see that he needs help.
To learn more read the following article written by Angie Lewis:
• Married to an Alcoholic: 7 Steps to Helping Them Get Sober
Alcoholism is a Family Disease.
Also, from Skyler Sage, realize that:
Substance abuse by a loved one affects the entire family. We also play our OWN part in the continuation and manifestation of the disease. Our marriage, our family, is like a mobile. Each of us has our own little piece of the delicately balanced structure. Every action on any of our parts shakes the mobile. Tenuous balance quickly becomes imbalanced, shaken up, disrupted. Our role as spouses, children, friends on this mobile is just as powerful as that of the alcoholic’s.
I believe this awareness is the first key in coping understanding that we play an equal part in the drama of living with an alcoholic. We are either part of the problem, or part of the solution with every word we speak, every secret we keep, every action we take, every action we avoid taking.
To read more, go to:
• Coping With an Alcoholic Spouse – Skyler Sage
From Melinda Cook, comes the following advice:
“If you are not in any danger, continue to encourage your spouse to get help. Do not make it seem as though you are lecturing them though, they will rebel and continue in their disastrous ways. Find a support group, go to Al-anon meetings, and learn all you can about addictions. When they are willing to admit they have a problem, find places they can turn to for help in getting better. Coping with an alcoholic spouse can tremendously take a toll on you and your family.”
And it can, as you know.
Also, if your spouse drinks too much:
Here are several additional helpful articles to read when a spouse drinks:
DO YOU LOVE AN ALCOHOLIC — Stop Rescuing (Pt 1)
DO YOU LOVE AN ALCOHOLIC — Setting Boundaries (Pt 2)
PREPARING FOR A STRUCTURED INTERVENTION
We realize we have given you A LOT of information to pray about and consider. We pray the Lord opens the doors of heaven and pours out His Spirit within you and your home. It is our prayer that He speaks powerfully to your spouse to access how much he or she drinks. Additionally, we pray that your spouse will do something about his or her drinking problem.
Helpful Organizations
To give you direction where you can get help when you or your spouse drinks too much, the following are a few helpful organizations you can contact. We realize that they are not available to help everyone in every country. But for some of you, they can definitely help you:
Also:
• Find Al-Anon Meetings Online
And:
We pray that God will use this article to help you and/or those you know and care about.
But no matter what you are going through, keep in mind:
“Even in the darkness light dawns for the upright…” (Psalm 112:4)
Cindy and Steve Wright
— ADDITIONALLY —
To help you further, we give a lot of personal stories, humor, and more practical tips in our book, 7 ESSENTIALS to Grow Your Marriage. We hope you will pick up a copy for yourself. (It’s available both electronically and in print form.) Plus, it can make a great gift for someone else. It gives you the opportunity to help them grow their marriage. And who doesn’t need that? Just click on the linked title or the picture below:
ALSO:
If you are not a subscriber to the Marriage Insights (emailed out weekly)
and you would like to receive them directly, click onto the following:
(US) I have been an alcoholic for two years. I am a 25 year old female amd have been with my fiance for three years total. I would get drunk nightly for the two year period and was usually nice, goofy, typical drunk but every now and then I would initiate fights that were blow outs. He does not drink.
We always got over the fights but after a most recent one he gave me the final, final ultimatum. I slept it off and apologized whole heartedly the next morning and have sworn off booze. He said he wanted us to go to therapy to which I also agreed. I am 100% committed to quitting for myself and our relationship. But even though we had a decent day yesterday, today he was totally clammed up, would barely talk or respond to me even though I was my bubbly non drunk self… My feelings were very hurt. We went to bed and he said nothing, we hadn’t talked for up to an hour prior to that… Again, I’m very hurt. He got up and went to the couch.. I followed and laid near him saying I couldn’t sleep either. He eventually got up and went back to bed… I guess he just doesn’t want to be around me.
Well, half an hour later he came storming downstairs and said I’ve ruined three years of his life with drinking and he doesn’t know how to act around me. He said I ruined the relationship, that I’m abusive, psychologically paranoid and “messed up because of childhood trauma” …it just goes on… I told him I’ve put my foot down on drinking, I’m happy to go to therapy but it seems that even though I’ve made the right decisions to change my life and our relationship for the better -I am still being beaten up for the past. I know the past has only ended two days ago but I wish he would be supportive (he says it’s not his job to be supportive because it’s my problem)… I’m ok with him not being supportive. I have a friend that ironically chose to go sober herself on the same day and we’ve been chatting about how our drinking has been a negative issue in our lives and so on…
Bottom line: I have made a stand for myself and us but he still beats me up verbally, curses my drinking issues that I’ve had, and is now saying he doesn’t know if he can get past this… Then he goes to say if he can’t get over it and we split then he has nothing to live for, is going to sell his house because he has so many memories of us, and then says I was the best thing that ever happened to him and have been the only bright spot in his life..
I’m horribly confused, emotionally hurt, and at a loss to understand it all.
(USA) Be patient with him, as he has been with you. He is scared. I’m sure that he loves you. Although its been several months since your post I hope that all is well and that you are sober. I have found that alcoholics are so guilt-ridden and beat themselves up and they in turn, hurt the ones they love the most. He isn’t sure of the next second, much less the future. His anger and resentment will reside in time with continued therapy. I hope for the both of you.
(AUSTRALIA) My husband is a binge drinker and yells at me in front if our two year old and throws things at me. I really want to leave but my daughter loves him so much! If I leave it will be a few hours away and I know our daughter will miss him, but I have no other choice. I know things with us will never change. He will always be a drunk.
I suspect he is also cheating. He comes home sometimes at 4 a.m. during the week! I’m emotionally so tired and have had enough! What am I to do?
(USA) I love my husband with all of my heart. We have been married for almost 26 years. I don’t think that I can continue in this pattern. He has embarrassed my children, and yells profanities at me. None of us deserve this. Last month he fell down the stairs while we had company here.
I try to quickly resolve these types of matters, so that the children are spared. He becomes vulgar, blames me, his wife, for things I have not done. He pounds on the piano for hours on end, talks to girls on porn sites and makes me so embarrassed. I take my kids away to Friendlys, and then a real slow drive back home… but he is still pounding on the piano.
Now I am believing that I must have done something wrong. I feel inferior to our world, even though I have great talent. I don’t discuss this issue with family because, I blame myself. I am feeling lost and sad and hopeless.
(CALIFORNIA) He doesn’t drink everyday but he does from morning until like the middle of the night starting Friday and finishing Sunday late night. When he does, he tells me hurtful stuff. It really hurts my feelings. I’ve been even thinking about killing myself because it’s so hurtful… and I’m a really sensitive person. The next morning in the hangover all he says is he doesn’t remember anything and that he didn’t say that. :( I don’t know how to take it; I love him and I’m never going to leave him. He’s all I’ve got. When he’s not drunk we are so happy, but when he drinks he makes my life really misserable. ;(
(UK) We have been together 17 years. I dread it when he drinks. You never know who if he is going to be the Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde. When we go out with friends or family it’s something I can’t relax as I know he will be drunk and embarrassing. I tell him to slow down but he can’t. He gets belligerent and abusive when he drinks. It is embarrassing. I am tired of the constant worry, “how much will he drink, how abusive will he be, how embarrassed will I get?
Why do I put up with this? No one deserves to live like this. He has been to counseling, GA, made promise after promise, but nothing changes. It will only get worse and is this how I want to live the rest of my life? The resentment is killing me. He makes me sick. Tonight he guzzled a half gallon of OJ and Vodka then a half gallon of Lemon aide and Vodka. Friday it was 5 16 oz beers then Sat. 10 16 oz and at least 2 12 oz. He is overweight and has high blood pressure. He says he wants to change, but it only gets worse. How much more supportive can I be? Why is it that I am the one who has to be strong?
(USA) I enjoy drinking a bit too much, but usually I can stop at just a couple of beers. My husband also enjoys drinking too much, but he cannot stop himself until he’s on the verge of alcohol poisoning. I am addicted to alcohol, as I feel an incredibly strong urge to have a beer once or more a week. However, I can usually stop at one or two beers. Sometimes I get a craving for something stronger, like vodka. I most definitely have a problem, and so does my husband. Often he can help me work through my cravings.
However, on the weekends (starting on Friday and going until Sunday) he insists that we buy beer or vodka or whiskey or wine and no matter what I say or do I cannot convince him not to buy it. I try very hard to be strong for him like he is for me, but I don’t know what to do. I am trying to quit drinking, but when he gets so stubborn and insists on buying it and bringing it home, I can’t help but have some!
He shouldn’t be drinking either since he usually gets abusive (not always, sometimes we have “good nights”) when he drinks too much. Usually it’s just verbal or emotional abuse but occasionally he gets physical with me. He tends to get very, very loud, shouting at me and calling me names. Often on these nights he cannot perform and he blames me for it. Everytime in the morning he apologises and I believe that he genuinely means it, but as soon as the hangover starts he’s right back to drinking. He starts work at 4 am so that’s when he naturally wakes up now, many times I’ve woken up later than he did (around 7:30 am) only to find that he’s been drinking for 3 hours already and is completely plastered!
It’s gotten to the point where everytime we’re drinking I have to hide both of our keys and I try to stay up later than him so I can hide any leftover booze so he can’t start drinking at 4:30 in the morning. It’s impossible to make plans because I never know if he’s going to be drunk or not.
It’s very embarassing when he shouts at me so loud the whole neighborhood can hear him, and I know they hear him because our next door neighbors that we used to be pretty close with won’t even look at us anymore. He’s fallen down our stairs drunk when I was at work and I came home to find a big hole in our wall and him passed out in the next room. The hole in the wall was from his head smacking into it as he fell. I woke him up and called 911 and he didn’t even remember it happening or when it happened! I was very worried about going to work for fear of coming home to find him dead from accident or alcohol poisoning.
I love my Hubby with my entire being and I will not leave him, and he has said the same to me. I want to be able to quit drinking myself and also be able to get him to quit. I don’t know what to do. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
PS- Tonight I am awake only because he is so drunk that I’m too worried about him to sleep and he’s supposed to start work in 2 hours. He is currently sleeping on the floor (he got up and moved there about an hour ago for some reason). I’m tired of having to stay up to make sure he’s ok, checking on him constantly.
Rae, You’re both helping (or at least enabling, in your case) the other to drink. At least one of you needs to be the hero here to get some help before something worse happens to you and to your relationship. Our bodies aren’t created to take on that kind of continual abuse. Eventually it all catches up with you and then it could be too late. I’ve had at least two relatives that have died of their alcoholism. They were painful, humiliating, full of regrets type of deaths. Please, please, please prayerfully read through the article again and get the help you need. We link to ministries and agencies that can help you, if you contact them. You need to get strong, apart from alcohol, before there’s a chance that you could help your husband, if he will eventually let you help him. But even if he doesn’t, you can’t continue to drink like this without paying a very high price –most likely with your life. I hope you’ll get the help you need. My prayers are with you.
(USA) I have been married for a little over 4 years and the entire time we have argued about his drinking. He now hides it and/or lies about it. He lies about lying, says he’s telling me the truth, then I stumble upon a hidden beer can, receipts not given to me for the checkbook, and even grocery bags of beer cans hidden in a corner behind furniture. He drinks at least 4 days a week, a 6 pack of talls each day (equal to 8 beers). For awhile he was getting a 1/2 gallon of vodka that would last a week at most – he would usually drink just a little a few days, then binge on a bunch, so I put my foot down and won’t allow hard liquor in the house anymore. When he gets a buzz going, he jokes in a mean manner, is abusive to our pets, and, if I challenge any of that, is then verbally abusive to me. He was physical a few times, but never hit me – pushing and grabbing me. He stopped after I told him I would not stay with someone that thought it was ok to put their hands on me like that.
I will admit, I have been an enabler, in the sense that I am the provoker, but I don’t know how else to tell him the way he acts is not ok. I read some of the other links about “doing nothing” and “acting like nothing happened” the next day when they are sober, but I can’t just let him abuse our dogs and me and say or do nothing EVER. I’m so stuck. :-(
(UK) Hi I just found this thread and I am so thankful coz it gave me a better understanding of my situation…. My partner and I have a 4 month old baby… He works M-F and I had to stay at home to mind our son (I used to work as well) he drinks at home every weekend… he usually says hurtful things like I am inconsiderate and not capable of caring for our kid… Sometimes he would even scare me that he’ll take our son away from me and that hurts a lot! Recently though, he grabbed me by the arm trying to pull me out of the way when he wanted to pick up our son. I was telling him no because the baby is asleep and he can barely stand up. He put his knee on my leg and grabbed my arm. He managed to take our son (nothing happened) and when I was trying to get the baby back he wouldn’t let me. I was so scared he’d drop the baby and I was crying the whole time…
I was really hurt emotionally coz I really love him and I know he isn’t like this when he’s sober… The following day he was apologetic and said he couldn’t remember what happened… He always promises he would cut back on the binge drinking and he would for a few weekends and then do it again… He would sometimes say that I try to make him feel bad when I try to talk things through with him but I swear I try to be as civil as I can. I never raise my voice at him at all. I feel guilty though, when he says that coz he would say that he only drinks on a weekend and rarely goes out, which I understand. The thing is he can’t handle the alcohol and I am starting to resent him and be scared of him whenever he drinks.
We talked things through and agreed for him to try non-alcoholic lager… we noticed that certain brands of beer have different effects. I really hope this works and that he keeps his promise this time. I want us to stay together forever not only because we have a son but mostly because I know we really love each other.
(USA) Me and my husband have been married for 5 years. We’re in our 20s. When we first got together in our teens he drank all the time. He got alcohol poisoning once. He stopped drinking into our 3rd year of marriage. In between that time there were lots of fight and I left him a few times due to him saying hurtful things to me non-stop ect. Well, a few months ago we split up for about 3 months (the longest before that only being a few days), during which time he went on a drinking spree of half gallon bottles of liquor every other day.
When we got back together I told him it had to stop, I couldn’t deal with the stuff I first dealt with when we got married. Well, that worked for a week or so. Then he started again. One night he drank so much when I tried to wake him for work he hit me so hard it left what looked like a black golfball attached to my arm… and thats when he quit drinking liqour. He now drinks beer.
He only drinks on the weekend (the only days I get to see him because of his work schedule) and will drink 20+ on an average weekend day, if not more. When he does drink, we don’t get home til late (I’m always the sober driver) and then he passes out. He has been recently getting drunk and saying he doesn’t love me, he’s moving out, and he wants a divorce. I don’t know what to do. Half the time I don’t cry anymore because I’m so numb to it. I love him with all my heart and all I ask is for him to go one weekend without drinking. He can’t do it. He says he deserves it for working so hard.
Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate everything he does… but when he feels like he can justify my unhappiness with his job to me being selfish, it really upsets me. I was there when we didn’t have a penny to our name and when he drinks he says I use him for his money. I won’t leave him again… I don’t wany to. I feel like he knows that. I kind of have depression issues and when he says that stuff I think about it to myself for days. He doesn’t seem to care that he has a wife at home who cleans his house, makes his food, washes his clothes, ect ect. I feel just worthless to him.
He gets angry when I ask him why he says mean things to me or if he won’t drink. I just let him so I can avoid being yelled at half the time. I don’t drink. I had an alcoholic mother and father and I just avoided drinking for the sake of my own mental and physical health. He makes fun of me for being “boring”. I’ll drink the occasional one beer every few months… only if he talks me into it. That’s when he says we’re too different and shouldn’t be together. I don’t think I’m the one with the problem. I’m just overwhelmed. I’m heartbroken, just hurt and destroyed on the inside. How can I make him realize what he does isn’t ok with me? Let me tell you… leaving or talking doesn’t work… it almost seems impossible. I love this man. He is my world. I just wish I was his world as well.
Mellisa, Please read the article. Please follow the advice in the article and please go to Al-Anon. You need help. You are trying to converse and reason with a substance –trying to get rational feelings from this substance, which has taken over your husband, rather than the man you originally fell in love with. He is making choices (unbeknownst to him) that is erasing who he was and can be –to someone who is being drowned in a substance. And you are being dragged into this and could get swallowed up, as well.
If you reach out to Al-Anon, you can get a lot of help to sort this issue out, as well as deal with your past. There are scars from your parent’s alcohol abuse, as well –you can count on it. It’s no wonder you’re heartbroken.
You are still young. NOW is the time to deal with this rather than allow more time to drag on and do more damage. Please, read the article and do what it says. Pray about all of this as you read –that your eyes and heart will be open to learning Truth and that the Lord will guide you to get the help you need.
Perhaps your marriage still has a shred of a chance to be saved, but not in the direction it’s headed into right now. Please get help and perhaps… I can’t assure you, but perhaps, it might eventually inspire your husband to get help as well, when you start to get onto a healthier path. None-the-less, one of you needs to be the hero here and do the brave thing to deal with this head on. Running won’t help, but reaching out to those who have been on this path could. I hope you will. I pray the Lord guides you and helps you on this difficult journey to a better future.
(USA) Thank you so much. I have hope he can change and our marriage can be strong again. I will look into alnon. I’m glad this page is here and people actually listen… I know that some of my issues from my childhood could effect how I look at him when he drinks. He reminds me so much of my mother. It’s sad that so many people feel so alone in these marriages, including myself. I pray everyone finds peace and strength. I’m not one to really reach out to people, but I do feel better. I’m not ready to give up.
(GT BRITAIN) I am a female drinker and it became a huge problem in our marriage – I have been going to AA meetings for over three months and it is helping me a lot. But my problem is that my husband is not really supporting me; my daughter keeps saying lovely things like “well mum I am really proud of you” and sends me the odd encouragement card which I love, but my husband only says well done on the odd occasion and its when he hears my daugters encouragement or if I say that I think I am doing well, like we have just come back for a nights stay with entertainment and FREE DRINKS and I did not pick it up at all.
But when we get home he gets moody and stressed and sarcastic which I really find hard without a drink to blot out my sadness. I just wish so much he would try to understand and not be so spitefull as it makes me feel like saying I might as well get drunk – oh my goodness it is so so hard. He does not make me feel wanted at all.
We have not slept together for at least two years and he has blamed it on the drink which I tried to understand = but even after being sober since last January (5 months) nothing happens so I am sooooo disappointed. PLEASE TRY AND SUPPORT your wife or husband; it is very hard to keep it up STAYIN SOBER without support and understanding.
(USA) I am coming to realize I just don’t know what to do. There has been many nights I have cried, sobbed, with all the hurtful words this Christian, loving, hard working man would say to me after his “deserved” drinks would set in. I would defend myself to my husband, knowing it was the most confusing conversation I have ever heard. Then those mornings would come with sorrow and earnest. They don’t come as often anymore; I think he realizes I don’t really believe him. Having neither of us experienced this before, we didn’t have a word to give it.
Now with 3 kids and 1 on the way, I am overwhelmed with sadness. Will this continue and for how long? I pray and pray and pray and just when I see a light, he changes his mind. My children don’t deserve this. My daughter is starting to see her dad and his personality changes. He binges… since he was a military man and he “can take more drinks than the normal man”, he feels he does not drink too much. I see his body changing, his priorities changing… it makes me so terribly sad.
Tonight, he did this in front of my family. He accused me of the usual “giving him a hard time for drinking” and said I better prepare for our life to change. He basically said he is going to give me the silent treatment. That will be interesting while we have house guest. This is the man I married? I made what sounds like one of the big mistakes and talked about drinking during the action. The interesting fact is, I am numb, mindless, can’t think of anything I should do right now. His family is clueless. Mine is beginning to see a pattern. I can’t believe this is happening to me. We were and are so in love. I’m just so numb now.
(AUSTRALIA) My husband drinks daily, either straight after work or from 12 noon if it’s a day off, until he stumbles off to bed. I try and try to talk but just get yelled at and degraded and its gotten to a point where I don’t think I love him anymore, or not this other him anyway. But then I feel guilty for wanting to separate a family. We have 3 young girls who love their dad to bits. A lot of the time he is the fun one, never caring when the kids are fed, bathed, or put to bed. He just watches me struggle and then degrades me more, if he can even leave his man shed long enough to notice us.
(CANADA) I just want to say that I recently told my wife that I have a problem with alcohol. I don’t drink everyday but on my days off I would have to say that those are my “drinking days”. The other night I drank nearly a full case by myself, I woke my wife up at 7 am and she hugged me. I broke down and started crying and apologizing. From someone who has this issue, it can be a very painful thing especially when you realize the problem and have issues stopping.
I love my wife very much. I will be honest, some of the negative comments I have seen hurt; not a lot, but there have been some. They hurt and I would ask that those of you who say that drunks are liars and cheats will do anything. Put yourself in the shoes of that drunk.
(MALAYSIA) I’ve been married for 5 years and have a 3 yr old daughter. I’m married to a wonderful, quiet and caring man who absolutely adores his daughter but from the time we have been married my hubby just doesn’t know where to draw the line when he goes drinking. He goes out drinking with a group of his friends every week and they drink like it’s the first time they have tasted alcohol.
I just don’t understand that. I’m so frustrated because he not only jeopardizes his health but also drives back drunk but to him his level of consumption is very little compared to what he used to drink when he was in his 20’s. Whenever I try to tell to cut down in his drinking, we end up fighting. He always compares himself to his friends who cheat on their wives and do other horrible things and he says that he loves me and doesn’t do all that stuff. But for how long does he want to go on drinking like this? It’s so hurtful. I’m so depressed that I feel hopeless.
(USA) I’ve been married for 23 years. My husband and I made equal salaries until the past few years b/c of his substance abuse. Last night, my two college-aged children asked me to leave their dad but asked me to wait until Aug 2013 when they would be financially able to go to college and live on their own w/o my assistance.
I’ve read each of your entries. I am a strong, healthy, beautiful 55 year old woman who has put up with substance abuse for a long long time. My friends and children say “GO”, but it’s hard to leave someone you love.
I wish you all well. I’m SO tempted to send an email to his closest friends and alcoholic family members and let them know this is it…intervention, or goodbye.
Find help!