The Bible is quite clear about lying. In Colossians 3:9-10 we’re told, “Do not lie to one another, seeing that you have put off the old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of its creator.” We’re also told in the Bible, “Telling lies about others is as harmful as hitting them with an ax, wounding them with a sword, or shooting them with a sharp arrow.” (Proverbs 25:18)
In Ephesians 4:25 we’re told, “Each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor. For we are all members of one body.” And that’s especially true of spouses. You don’t get a neighbor that is much closer to you than your spouse. At least you’re not supposed to. On the other hand, we’re told in the Bible in Proverbs 24:26, “An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips.” And it is, isn’t it?
But what do you do if your spouse is bent on not telling the truth?
How do you get a spouse to stop the lying?
Please answer this question by leaving a comment below.
(To see previous questions, visit our archive)
Filed under: Question of the Month
(NORWAY/UGANDA) The only way to stop the spouse from lying, is to you, yourself, start telling the truth irrespective of the partner’s untruthfulness. But if you are not telling the truth how do you expect you partner to say the truth? Stick on the truth and pray. It is only the truth that can set free. Stop pretending to praise and please him/her, live your real life and let him/her accept you as you are but not what you pretend to be.
Be open and tell him/her when you find out he/she is lying, that is: walk in the light. Your pretense that you have not known if she/he is lying is also lying on your side. That is you are lying that you don’t know while you know. By telling the truth, you are helping yourself and your partner. Above all, learn to take responsibility of your actions by facing the reality and then wait patiently for your partner to follow your example. God bless you.
(NIGERIA) Lying is a sin and it is forbidden by God. It is an evidence that someone has not known the Lord. For a person whose spouse is lying to him/her either constantly or occasionally, he or she needs to take the spouse to the Lord in prayer that the Lord should save him/her. Or if the spouse has been a Christian, he/she needs to be prayed for for restoration. It is only the Lord that can deliver from sin. ‘The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked, who can know it?’- Jeremiah 17:9
(KENYA) As soon as suspicion sets in, lies set in too. If one has confidence that there is no suspicion, trust reigns. Once this is lost, one has to go back to the basics, confess that all was wrong, almost doing kid stuff, which brings couples back to the road. And then, by and large, you shall start doing things that made you cherish each so much, even to get married. It is those small things that are being ignored to the detriment of the marriage confidence.
(US) My husband seems to be a wonderful man but just recently his wife has passed and left him to care for their two children. I first realized that he was lying to me when she passed because he said to me you are all I have now.
From then on this whole other man started to come out and now that we have been married for a few years now I’am starting to see that maybe he doesn’t really love me as much as he says he does.My parents are from Benin and my husband is from Ghana. My father tells me to pray, my mom says to fast and pray it will be okay.
Now that I’m with child I am starting to see that he cannot tell me the truth, to protect me (I guess) he just keeps lying to me it seems.I pray and pray and pray but maybe I’m not praying right,cause it feels as though God at times does not hear my cries.
(ENGLAND) Your spouse is lying to you because s/he doesn’t feel s/he can trust you. So when s/he lies, say "Honey, I know that you don’t feel safe telling me the truth about how you feel but I want you to know that God knows how you feel. Tell God how fearful you are of the situation you find yourself in. And say that even though I am having a hard time trusting you, I know that you are a King/Queen and the head/helpmate of our household and I trust that God will turn this situation around for our good."
Then look at yourself and ask why does the spouse choose to lie. Fear, rejection, anger? What areas of their life are unfulfilled. Then decide to accept the person for who they are. That’s what God does. He accepted us all regardless of our faults. Don’t be judgmental. Treat the spouse with the love that God has showed you.
And make boundaries for your situation. If the spouse says they will pick the children up at 4:30, tell them I am going to wait for you until 4:45 and if you are not there by then, we are going to my mother’s house. Make a consequence for the situation. Don’t be spiteful.
What do you really want? Restoration of your marriage? Ask God to help you trust your spouse and help you to be trustworthy. Regardless of how the spouse has acted, you are the one who has to be the bigger person. Yes, I know you want to fight, be mad and hold things against them but if you let go and let God, you will see His manifested glory. May God bring you peace to your situation and restore the years that the locust has stolen, in Jesus’ name. Amen.
(UNITED STATES) Who is in your spouse’s circle? Believe it or not, the friend who holds your spouse accountable and supports the marriage/relationship has influence on your conversation with your spouse. You can’t preach this out of them. Pray and let the Holy Spirit deal with this person, but a true friend can help that person overcome their fears. All lying is, is afraid to tell the truth. Also pray that the spouse changes behaviors by having a transformed heart.
(NIGERIA) I WILL TELL HER TO ALWAYS TRUST ME AND SAY THE TRUTH NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS. I WILL TELL HER THAT IT WILL HURT ME LESS WHEN SHE TELLS THE TRUTH THAN LATER WHEN I FIND OUT THAT SHE IS LYING TO ME. I WILL ALSO TELL HER THAT I WILL ALWAYS TELL HER THE TRUTH. GOD HAS MADE US ONE SO WE SHOULD NOT HIDE ANYTHING FROM ONE ANOTHER. WHEN WE KNOW THE TRUTH WE CAN BOTH CORRECT OUR MISTAKES.
(UNITED STATES) And I’ve been lying to him a lot. The worst came out when he found out I was having a affair. And now he is still having a hard time trusting me. I want to gain my trust back. One thing he is still having trouble letting go, is that he thinks that I’m hiding something about my affair. I told him the truth. But only God knows that. I am trying my best to put my faith in the Lord.
But I am still having trouble lying to my spouse about little things. For example: I dropped his I-Pod, and it cracked the screen. I was afriad to tell him the truth. So I lied about it. I want to stop the little lies. I want to have the heart to tell him the truth and not be fearful about it. I want to be open minded with him.
(USA) First, commit to absolute honesty yourself and avoid even convenience or "little white" lies. Second, if you have children, make it a frequent and clearly stated principle that lying will ALWAYS get you in MORE trouble than what they are lying about, and every time the children own up honestly, thank them and reinforce that choice, and let them know what would’ve happened if they lied AND did the deed, rather than just did the deed. Consider it telling the truth if they lie first but tell the truth on their own quickly afterward.
If you catch your spouse in a lie, do not react. Say, "You lied." Simple. Say, "I want our relationship to be one that is defined by absolute trust. It’s amazing when there is at least one person you can truly, truly trust." Then, offer a period of "amnesty" where he or she can come clean with all lies still out there. Try and rebuild from there. If they keep lying, keep calmly saying the same thing and most important, be what you want him or her to be, 100% honest.
Most lying is based on shame and fear, reduce those and truth becomes easier to tell. And of course, forgive, and genuinely.
(USA) To get to the truth you must be confident in who you are in God’s eyes to be able to hear the truth. If there’s lying, there’s confusion and pain on the lying spouses part as well as your own.
Remember that they are being lied to also ~ by the enemy. Lies beget lies and it will be like peeling an onion to finally get to the truth. It will, and has to be, an act of you loving Christ enough to help the lying spouse.
(USA) The answer is to use wisdom from the Lord’s Word, then pray about it.
(USA) There’s a great answer to this question posted on the web site for Gary Smalley, which you can access by going to: http://www.smalleyonline.com/articles/question/trustspouse.html
(US) My husband and I have been married for 2 years and we were together 2 years before that. I have my own home and a good job and have always done what was right. He has been married before and has nothing. This is okay. I can deal with that as long he works with me as a team. He is currently unemployed and tries to pick up odd jobs but he won’t tell me where he is working and lies to me about money and his whereabouts and it seems like everything now.
After all these years I find out that he did not file any tax returns for several years before we married and while he was with his ex. He said that he thought he did, that the ex handled that. Well now it has caught up because the IRS is running years behind. He owes them a huge amount and I have been pushing him to get his finances in order and he is now set up on monthly installments with the IRS and the state. But now after all this time the IRS is finding more years that he owes back taxes. It has really put a strain on my marriage, not so much the taxes, but the lying about it. He lies about Christmas presents that he says he has on lay away (6 months ago) that I still have not seen. He lies about smoking, he lies about what little money he makes and does not worry about paying his bills. I pay everything and now people are contacting me about his unpaid balances on things that he told me he did not owe. I work in financial management and he is now getting letters on tax levys sent to my place of work although he has never had an account with us. Now his bad finances are embarassing me.
He does not have a personal relationship with the Lord Jesus. He is a sweet sweet guy whom everybody loves but he is a habitual liar and acts like a kid. He worries about nothing, and he is killing me. I have a bad heart and stay under stress. I love him but don’t think I should continue trying to help him if he doesn’t help himself and change himself. What do I do?? I pray and pray and I know the Lord will take care of me. How do I handle this situation? I am now getting numb to him; nothing surprises me. I take care of me, him, and 3 kids on a low income. It is only the Lord I know, that stretches my money. It is so bad that I don’t even want to see his face because he is sooo deceitful. Help me, please.
(USA) I have lied to my husband about little things that I know that I should have been honest about. And it would be the smallest things too, like where were you today? Or I would say something like my cycle came on. He would remember that and bring it up again in a conversation and I would tell him I was joking and in all realness I would be joking. He would would just get so mad, where he would call me a liar. I know I’m wrong and I seek forgiveness but he is just at a point where he doesn’t believe anything I say.
(PHILIPPINES) I have always caught my husband lying to me recently because of his so called “friends” who happened to be a group of girls he met in a short course class. His “friends”, one girl in particular, would always call him and text him and invite him to several dinner parties and get togethers she organizes.
We’ve already talked about how his “friend” make me uncomfortable because of the unusual attention she has been giving my husband and our children. I caught my husband several times lying to me everytime he goes out with his girl friends. He would come home late at night and would tell he has been with some guy friends or simply just ” some friends” or simply evades my questions.
Recently however, I had enough of his lying until we really have to seriously talk about it.
After the talk, we were not the same anymore. There seems to be awkward moments especially when we are alone. I’m afraid this could be start to a serious marriage problem which eventually lead to our separation. I do not know what to do. I do not know if we could still go back to the way we were before.
(S. AFRICA) How can you get your partner to stop lying to you? Answer – you can’t. As long there is something to hide, the lies will continue. I have tried not to react negatively when the truth finally comes out. This has not helped and I no longer know when the truth is being told. This has destroyed our marriage. Trust has been totally destroyed instead of built up. Sad but true. “Those that have nothing to hide, hide nothing.”